A/N: Rating: M

Side-ships: None

Warning: Explicit Language

In case some of you feel I am being sexist or sexuality-shaming, I implicitly state: I respect all forms of sexuality, this is just something my brain wouldn't kick out of my head.

"Why are you gay?"

The question was unexpectedly thrown at him without any warning over Monday breakfast, and Draco looked up from his eggs and toast after he was finished choking over it and across the table to glare at him. "I'm not gay!" he scowled.

Theo was looking at him, eyes widened mournfully, but Draco knew better. He would say mischievously.

Beside Theo, Blaise snickered. "It's not like you're being your usual flirty self," he said, poorly attempting to look off thoughtfully into the distance.

"Maybe because I'm not interested in any chasing any vapid airheads?" He glowered.

Theo sighed dramatically. "Don't you miss the taste of boobs?" he said beseechingly.

"I. Am. Straight." He said coldly. Getting up from the table, he-

-bumped into his Co-head, who fell backwards, pulling him down with her, his face ironically wedged into her boobs, which he had to admit were rather soft and supple.

He jumped up as if he was on fire, and immediately offered her his hand. She accepted his stammered apology and hand and ran off, after eyeing him.

Theo snorted. "Mate, I didn't mean right now. If you wanted to cop a feel of Granger's chest, you could've done it properly."

Draco gave him a glare, worthy of Snape's and his father's combined, shot a stinging hex and stormed off.

Her mounds were supple and soft-

Shut up.

Mcgonagall was explaining some sort of detailed law in transfiguration in Tuesday's class when Theo leaned over and whispered, "Cock is great too, but only when a hot girl has yours in her mouth."

Draco's quill ruptured the parchment and formed an inkblot. "What the fuck, Theo?! I'm fucking straight!" he hissed.

"At least tell me you got a hard-on from smashing your face in Granger's tits," he murmured.

Had they been erect?

"Shut the fuck up about Granger's tits!"

He didn't realize he'd bellowed his reply until the whole class was staring at him. Mcgonagall looked like she was gonna lose her shit, Potter and Weasley looked furious, and Granger- damn her- was smirking.

"Anything you would like to share with us, Mr Malfoy?" McGonagall asked curtly.

"No, professor," he grumbled, sinking low into his seat. He kept his head down for the rest of class. Literally. And wished he could curse Theo for the sniggers he kept hearing every few minutes.

Fuck Theo. Fuck Theo to infinity and beyond. Worst Wednesday ever.

He was lying on a bed in the Infirmary, shirtless, the skin on his chest an angry red, when the sodding bastard visited, whistling cheerfully.

"Theo, what the fuck?" He groused.

"I just want to check on my friend," he said blithely.

"You fucking burned my chest in the first fucking place," He snapped.

"Did I?" He used his horrible 'innocent face' card.

Granger rounded the corner, a jar of healing salve in her hand, and Theo had the fucking nerve to smirk and say, "Granger. Didn't know you were on healing duty,"

She sighed and said, "Nott, let me do my work."

He smirked again and said, "As you can see, my boy Draco has hurt himself. Very fortunate you were here."

She rolled her eyes and Draco's suspicions grew.

As her hands rubbed the salve along his chest, he couldn't help but think how soothing and arousing it was and how her hands would feel elsewhere and-

-and he had to think about Weasley to fade his growing erection Did she notice? (Fuck. She did. LOOK COOL.)

When she was done, he shuddered in relief. Definitely relief, and almost bolted from the hospital. He wanked off to her, and repressed the urge to hex Theo when the git smirked at his flushed face.

Theo struck again on Thursday's mixed Slytherin and Gryffindor class of Defense Against Dark Arts. The Professor was describing how aurors used to ride dragons to defeat dark wizards in the early ages of magic.

Some idiotic starry-eyed Hufflepuff called out that Potter, Weasley and Granger had already ridden one and wasn't that so cool?

Theo- fucking Theo- said, "If there's another dragon Granger wants to ride, he's right here!" then slapped Draco's back heartily.

He pulled Theo aside right after class ended. "What the fuck are you trying to do?" He hissed.

"I'm un-gaying you, you git." He smirked.

That smirk- that fucking smirk- the one he wanted to punch off Theo's face- pushed him over the edge.

"I. AM. NOT. GAY." He proclaimed.

Then to prove his point, he grabbed the first person that came out of the classroom and kissed him/her.

It was not Weasley, thank Merlin, nor Potter.

Granger. He was kissing Granger. Her lips were so soft and tasted like honey and-

-and he pulled away and glared at Theo. "See?!" He demanded, his voice, gruff. "Not. Gay."

"Granger looks like-" Whatever Theo was about to say had to wait because Granger pulled his tie towards her and murmured, "Get back here, Malfoy," before pressing herself back against him.

He ignored the wolf-whistles, cheers and Potter's and Weasley's groans, and followed orders.