Chapter 5
"This is amazing!" Hange yells out with deafening enthusiasm. "Think about what this will do for our understanding on these magnificent creatures?" Malik seems unenthused by Hange's excitement with the new developments as he stands behind Erwin with arms crossed over his chest, while Derrek remains quiet in his chair across from Erwin. "When can I start my preparations?" Hange asks hungrily.
"Sir," Malik speaks up. "Now that we have the Titan in custody, how do we plan on proceeding with this knowledge?"
"Chikatiloni!" Hange corrects him, "His name is Chikatiloni!"
Malik rolls his eyes and looks onto the Commander for an answer to his question. "We will use the knowledge that Willow has gained," Erwin begins, "and we will bring an end to the Titan threat."
"I am not sure I understand exactly how she did it," Malik says leaning his weight onto his right side. "She just digs her swords in the nape and makes it do a dance?"
"I have a theory!" Hange speaks up excitedly as she approaches Captain Derrek who learns back in his chair. "Derrek, if I may?" she asks, and he straightens up. She swats his knee with her hand and his leg involuntarily kicks forward without his command. "Willow is tapping into the Titan's reflexes!" she tells them excitedly. "When she strikes the nape, she is striking the sensory nerve to the spinal cord. Like my hand on Derrek's knee, Willow's swords are acting as the stimulator, sending a signal to the brain of the Titan to move the body accordingly. She is severing the Titan's ability to move, and is overriding the message with her own!" she says with wide excited eyes. "If you noticed, every move she made the Titan make, required a different strike and movement of her sword. Willow eventually learned what each move meant and was able to control the Titan to her liking from there! It's brilliant is what it is!" she calls out wildly. "The human anatomy requires that I hit Derrek in his knee to move his leg, or his elbow to move his arm, but with Willow controlling the Titan's entire sensory within their nape, it really opens the floodgates into the potential anatomy of a Titan!"
"Hange, I will have you work with Willow on understanding the exact commands to control a Titan in a fight. I want the Cadets trained on this." Commander Erwin tells her.
Everyone shifts to themselves in the room, with Levi being the first to speak the concerns everyone has. "Willow had difficulties on the field locating the exact receptors that led to her controlling the Titan," he speaks with his signature indifference. "It was only with the help of two Elite squads that she was not struck down by the giant before she could finally take control of it. We cannot expect the same coddling for every Scout wanting to climb on a Titan's back to play driver."
"I am inclined to agree," Malik states and Levi's eyes flash over to his. "It is an amazing power that she has discovered—I am no doubting that—but it has its setbacks. The initial hit does not render the Titan immobile. It can still attack and tear the person from its nape. So, until the driver pinpoints the location, they are at risk of being crushed."
"Not to mention it doesn't work on Abnormals," Levi adds.
"Hange and team can work on locating the exact placement to render the Titan immobile, and subsequent movements to puppeteer the Titan," Erwin counters. "Once we have the spots identified, it will be a one-hit solution," he says as his gaze meets Hange's. "Work with Willow and a team of Cadets to locate and perfect this technique."
"And if the location is not in the same area for every Titan?" Malik questions. "Every Titan is different, and though the nape is the same for every Titan's death, it's a large span that we can hit and be effective. Willow was hitting multiple areas within the same area without any result; she needed to hit a minute location in order to have full uninterrupted control of the Titan."
"It is a risk I am willing to take," Erwin says, and everyone stiffens at the idea, knowing the risk of which they speak to be Scout lives. Erwin reads the room and sees the shock in his subordinates' faces. "I understand this knowledge comes with many hazards, but think of what we will be capable of doing if we have an entire fleet of Scouts controlling Titans? We will be able to do more than fight the Titan threat. We will be able to explore beyond these walls." Erwin says and Levi looks up at him enticed by the idea. "Hange has the Titan under intensive lockdown. We will be able to practice the technique under a controlled environment. Any further experiments are welcomed," he says as Hange rubs her hands together with all the possibilities ahead.
Erwin dismisses his subordinates, and they all shuffle out of the room, not feeling any better about the idea presented before them. Levi thinks a moment about what he has just seen today. He thinks about Willow and how she must have managed to learn this technique. He thinks about the scared and frail girl during his training, suddenly transformed into this fierce soldier, charging into the battle without hesitation. He admires her for what she has been able to accomplish in the short time she has been here and ponders how she will progress as she gains more confidence in herself.
Levi's lidded eyes flash over when he notices Willow standing outside of Erwin's office, wringing her hands in a nervous disposition. He looks onto her, seeing a large bandage on her forehead from the gash she sustained when they crashed to the ground after he swiped her from the Titan. "Willow?" he asks taken aback by her presence here since the Commander told her to get some food with the others. "What are you doing here?"
"I was hoping to speak with Captain Derrek," she says in a soft tone. Levi looks back at the Captain who greets her with his signature smile that takes up almost the entirety of his face.
Derrek approaches her as the rest of them leave them a moment to speak, with Levi looking back one last moment, wondering what is on her mind.
Willow looks up at Derrek as the gangly boy towers over her, with the top of her head barely reaching his chest. Seeing him this close, she notices how lean and tall he really is. Unlike Malik or Hal, Derrek is not stacked with muscles that make his body appear bulky. Instead, his is smaller, with longer limbs that take up his mass, though he still a sustains suitable amount of muscles from his years of training within the Corps. She notices his large smile that captivates his face and questions how he could possibly smile after the events of the day.
She places her head down, unable to look at him as she speaks, feeling terrible from the day's events. She wrings her hands anxiously as she speaks in a quiet breaking voice. "I wanted to apologize…" she says lingering on the words, unable to finish her meaning.
"About what?" Derrek presses, unsure of the reason for her regret.
"Vanessa died trying to protect me," Willow breathes shakily with eyes fixated on the floor. "She was a member of your squad."
"Willow, you cannot let the deaths of our comrades affect you this much," Derrek says in a soft tone, seeing how upset she has become.
Willow looks up at him with tears falling down her cheeks. "She would have been alive if I was better with vertical maneuvering. I am so sorry, Derrek. It is all my fault," Willow says as the tears fall freely. "She didn't want to die, she was crying and screaming, begging me to get her out of there and I couldn't save her!"
Derrek takes her arms in his hands, holding her tightly and taking hold of her eyes with his soft brown ones. "Willow," he breathes in a soothing tone as the smile lessens on his lips. "I ordered Vanessa to protect you. I was the one who picked you up instead of her. It is my fault that she was there helping you. But it is neither of our faults that she is gone," he tells her as Willow swallows hard at his words.
"But you could have saved her," she says looking into his eyes and searching for any trace of his motives. "When you came flying in, you could have saved her—a member of your squad, but you saved me…"
Derrek sighs as his smile softly paints his face. "You have survivor's guilt," he tells her with a soft sigh. "It is something a lot of us deal with when we return with less than we ventured off with," he says keeping his dull brown eyes on her. "Vanessa meant a lot to me, and she was a talented soldier, but in that moment, I had to make a choice." He swallows hard knowing this information is something he does not want to divulge to her, but sees he has no choice. "It's not something we like to talk about, but when lives are at stake, not every Scout can be rescued. And though Vanessa meant so much to me, your life, and your talent over the Titans is more important to the Scouts. And that is why I made the decision that I did."
Willow steps away from Derrek, brows pressed together at how he can completely compartmentalize the events in a matter-of-fact way, knowing that someone he deeply cared about was devoured in front of him, and he had the power to stop it, but didn't. "It doesn't make sense," she tells him with a slight shake of the head. "Thirteen Scouts died so I could show off some stupid trick."
"You're looking at it the wrong way," he says. "Nineteen Titans were killed. Fourteen of which were killed using your control over the Titans, including an Abnormal. That is the biggest victory we have had in a single day, ever," he says with fierce eyes. "Considering the Abnormal's charge towards the caravan, the Scout lives that were lost could have been much worse if you didn't stop it in its tracks, and that would have never happened if I did not make the decision that I did." Willow looks down at her callous hands, unable to look at him as he tells her that her life means more than someone else's. "I have no regrets with the decision that I made. And I hope that you will in time come to the same mentality."
Willow feels herself getting nauseous at Derrek's words, not seeing the same sick reasoning that he has created to make himself feel better for choosing who lives and who dies. She does not see her life more valuable than anyone else here, and for him to expect her to come to terms with that idea makes her want to vomit.
"In the end," he begins, still seeing the hesitation in her eyes. "The Titans killed Vanessa, and the only thing we can do to avenge her death is to not let it be in vain," he says strongly. "Do you understand?" Willow nods slowly, no longer wanting to hear his sick reasonings. "Don't let their deaths haunt you. If you do… the Titans win."
"Yes, Sir," she says quietly looking down at the floor, still feeling the guilt building inside her but wanting to end the conversation so she doesn't have to hear his sickening reasonings.
Willow turns away from Derrek, making her way to the mess hall with the other Cadets as they feast with wide smiles and deafening laughter. She watches in awe as everyone celebrates the day, wondering how they can all easily forget the lives that have been lost. Regardless of how many Titans were killed, Scout lives were lost, and that is something Willow cannot celebrate.
Willow gets her food and approaches the table of Cadets that welcomed her the night before, but before she can reach the table, she is confronted by Hal who looms over her, entrapping her in a corner as he towers over her. Willow looks up at his blue eyes looking down at her through black strands of hair with no clear inflection in them. "Good job today," he says simply, and Willow is taken aback by his compliment. She swallows hard, unsure of how to even respond to something like that. "You impressed us. That is not something that's easily done."
"I hesitated," Willow says coldly, "And people died because of it."
Hal releases a humorless scoff at Willows melancholy tone. "People die every day, Cadet. Take the win and enjoy it while you have it. If you don't, the loses will destroy you," he says as he turns from her to join his team.
"Hal!" she calls out to him, holding her tray tightly in her hands. "You saved me today. Multiple times," she says, unable to ask him why he risked his life to protect hers, or even thank him for doing so.
"You're going to do great things here, Kid," he replies with a hard expression as Willow widens her eyes at his compliment. "Don't let it grind you down," he says turning away from her and joining the rest of his squad.
Willow turns and sits down with the rest of the Cadets. She places her tray down carefully and looks down at her food that does not seem appetizing in the slightest with today's deaths still on her mind. She looks around the table to see the joyful conversation and expressions between everyone. She watches as they all laugh and yell at one another with complete ignorant happiness. Her eyes scan the room to see everyone in the same joyful spirits as the Cadets. Her eyes move to Malik and Derrek Squads, figuring they would be a bit more solemn than the cadets since they were on the front lines today, but they spirits are high and she even notices Colin and Hal laughing as they gamble at the card game they play. She questions how any of them could smile and laugh, especially after losing one of their own in such a gruesome way.
Her gaze flashes to Levi and Hange sitting farther back with another group of Elite soldiers. Hange animatedly speaks while Levi's lidded eyes stare off with disinterest in her conversation. She notices he seems to be the only other person who doesn't smile at the day's events.
"Okay it is out," Luke says pulling her out of her thoughts. "Now that we know what you can do; tell us how you did it!" he asks Willow as everyone leans in eager to hear from her.
Willow swallows hard, feeling uncomfortable as all eyes are on her, having never had anyone look at her twice. "I just stabbed the nape," she says unsure of what else to say to them, since she herself isn't sure how it works.
"That was amazing!" Kira calls out. "You were so fearless out there!" she says completely mislabeling how Willow was feeling out there.
"When that Abnormal was coming towards us, I almost pissed myself," Dita comments.
"Almost?" Oruo teases, "well Petra can't say the same," he nudges her and she shrieks in complete dismay.
"No!" she calls out, "What are you talking about! I didn't!" Her face flushes as she looks at the faces of the Cadets frantically.
"Pissed and cried!" Oruo bursts as his stomach lifts with laughter.
"Ah!" Petra screeches, "That's not what happened," she frantically calls out looking at the amused eyes of everyone at the table. "There was something in my eyes!" she states firmly trying desperately to explain.
"And your pants?" Oruo asks and she punches him in the arm.
"Yeah, well you weren't charging into battle yourself! If I remember correctly, you were shaking in terror," she throws at him, practically steaming in emotions.
"No, I was shifting my weight on my horse," he says defensively.
"Don't worry, Petra," Eld says with a smile on his face. "Oruo pissed himself pretty bad, saw it myself," he says and the brunette shoots him a look that could kill.
Petra brings her fingers to her lips, hiding her laugh from Oruo. "So, we can all collectively agree to never speak of this again?" she asks looking at everyone that laughs, "I think we can all admit it was pretty terrifying seeing one of those things charging at us," she says lightheartedly. "An Abnormal no less!"
"Just can't imagine being on one's back," Gunther says, bringing their attention back on Willow. She frowns now that eyes are on her. "What was going on in your mind?" he asks her with wonder in his tone.
"I was trying not to fall," Willow says simply, not wanting to admit to the fear and horror crashing through her body.
"Did you guys see how quick Lieutenant Levi was?" Petra swoons, "He was so quick to save Willow from falling, and then when he took out that Titan," she says with wide eyes reliving the sight.
"And Malik Squad cutting the arms with such synergy," Eld mentions marveling at the memory. "Everyone was amazing today."
"I hear they are going to have us try to take over the Titans with the one we captured," Gunther says. "Looks like the Titans are going to be the ones pissing themselves when they see us charging at them."
"Got any tips on how to control them?" Kira asks looking at Willow who is lost in her thoughts.
"Umm," she releases when she notices all eyes are on her. She swallows hard and thinks for a moment. "Don't hesitate," she says thinking of Levi's words. "If you hesitate, you're dead."
They all look at her with wide eyes. Maybe they expect her to be more lighthearted as they all are, but after being on the back of the Titan with clear view of all the destruction and death around her, Willow cannot bring herself to laugh and cheer.
The topic turns from Willow to something else, knowing that they want to have a more carefree conversation. Soon, Willow completely tunes out the conversation altogether, sitting before the group of Cadets but feeling as though she is neither here nor there.
Later in the night, Willow cannot fall asleep. She is tossing and turning in her bed with the images of ear-to-ear smiles gaping open to devour her. She groans as these images repetitively crash into her skull, keeping her from a decent night's sleep. She figures that the more she forces slumber, the more images of people dying around her come to fruition. She decides to go for a walk and ease her mind, knowing that staring at the stars has always calmed her.
She sneaks from the barracks and heads to the courtyard where she notices the stillness of the night. She smiles in the moment, feeling at peace with the tranquility of the silence. She decides to look at the stars from a vantage point and climbs a ladder leaning up against the stables.
Once she is on the roof of the stables, she sits down and extends her arms back to prop her up as she looks up at the stars. She sits there for a moment in silence, relishing the rare moment where she is not bombarded with inquisitions into her control of the Titans. Willow watches the stars with wide astonished eyes, admiring the sheer magnitude of stars that shine back at her. She thinks about counting them all, something that she always tried to do as a child, but always lost her place.
She hears a shuffling to her left that tears her attention from the stars to the noise. She looks to see Levi climbing the ladder atop the stables. "Three nights in a row sneaking out of the barracks," he says as he lifts himself onto the roof. "You're making my night patrols particularly interesting," he grunts as he sits down at the edge of the roof.
"I'm sorry," she says looking away from him. "I couldn't sleep."
"Something on your mind?" Levi asks with a cock of the head.
Her eyes shift to the stars, looking up wishing she could fly up and touch one. "Do you ever just look up and realize just how small we truly are?"
Levi shifts his legs onto the roof and turns his body towards hers. He lifts his right leg up, resting his right elbow on his knee while his left arm stabilizes him. He looks up at the stars that she fixates on, thinking about Isabel and Furlan. He remembers their first night outside of the Underground and looking up at the magnificent sight for the first time. "I choose to see the beauty," he breathes.
"It seems hard to do, when there is so much ugliness in the world," she says, eyes still fixated on the sky.
"I grew up in the Underground," Levi tells her. "There is endless ugliness down there. But when I came here, and saw the stars…" he lingers for a moment, "I finally saw the beauty."
Willows eyes land on Levi as he looks up at the sky. "That explains a lot," she releases without thought and he presses his brows for an explanation. "Why you are so short," she states in a matter-of-fact tone. "Lack of proper nutrition and sunlight undoubtably resulted in your stunted growth."
Levi's eyes narrow at her frankness, "Yeah well I can still kick your ass, Brat," he says with playful spite.
"I wouldn't doubt it," she says with a small smile on her face.
"So then why are you so damn skinny?" he throws at her in a blunt tone.
Her smile slowly fades, and she looks back up at the sky. "My family was very poor," she tells him. "I didn't know my father, and my mother worked all day. Most of our food went to my sister's children. Her son died of an illness a few weeks before the attack on the wall," she tells him with eyes fixated on the brightly shining stars.
"I am sorry to hear that," he tells her with genuine empathy.
"Do you remember where you were, the day the Titans attacked?" she asks him, changing the subject from her family and looking away from the stars to take in his dark eyes.
He swallows a lump growing in his throat thinking about the expedition outside of the walls that rendered the town helpless while they were all gone. He remembers looking back at the walls, seeing them crumble as hordes of Titans approached the defenseless city. He answers her question with a simple nod, unable to bring words to his day.
"I was on the roof of my home," she tells him. "I enjoyed getting away from my sister to give myself a moment of quiet up there. We never truly got along," Willow says with a frown knowing she will never have the chance to change that. "She hated when I went up there," she sighs, looking back up at the sky as the memory of his sister invades her mind. "I remember hearing the screams coming from Shiganshina, and I cannot come to grip with the realization that I had no clue what was going on. It didn't even cross my mind that the Titans were attacking," she scoffs at the idea. "I was so conditioned to the idea that those walls protected us from everything, that it didn't even consider a breach until the Armored Titan came crashing through Wall Maria." Levi watches her carefully, hearing the story from someone on the inside, eager to hear how she controlled the Titan.
"When I saw the Armored, I knew we had to get out of there. I begged my sister to leave the home and begin fleeing to Wall Rose, but she was so damn stubborn, and told me we had to stay. We had to wait for our mother. She told me there was no way the Titans could hit every home. Probability wise, we were safe." Willow's head falls and her eyes land on her hands that shake at the memory. "She was a stupid fool," she exhales, closing her eyes as tears fall.
"I don't remember hearing the Titan's steps approaching our home, but I remember the sound of the beams breaking as the Titan ripped our roof of our home. It sounded like paper tearing," she sneers at the memory. "I moved away from my sister to the other side of the home, only to see the beams fell in front of them and trapped them in the corner of the house. The Titan was wildly grabbing for her and my niece. I can still remember her primal screams sending shivers down my spine. It sounded like an animal dying in the woods," she says harshly, and Levi watches her shake at the memory.
"I grabbed a knife. A fucking kitchen knife," she scoffs and shakes her head at how stupid she was in that moment. "It was all I had and instead of running, all I could think about was killing the damn bastard before he killed my sister." Willow swallows hard, looking back up at the stars, "I remember hearing men of the Garrison speaking of striking the nape of the neck and killing the Titans, so I headed for the neck. I can't remember how I climbed on the Titan; it was a 12-meter class, but I somehow managed to scale it while its attention was focused on devouring my family. I began slashing as hard as I could at the nape. Over and over, I swung at its nape," her eyes reach Levi's with an unreadable expression. "You were right. You can't really do much with the muscles that I have, because fuck, my arms were killing me," Levi swallows hard, suddenly feeling terrible for his comment. Her head shifts to her hands as she continues, "It didn't notice me there because it was so focused on getting to my sister and her daughter. I remember her screaming at me to get her out. She begged me to come down and get her daughter out," Willow swallows hearing her sister's words cursing her for not getting her daughter to safety. "But I wanted to kill it instead. More than anything, I wanted to kill that fucking Titan."
She stops speaking for a while, completely consumed by the wild shrieking of her sister. Levi thinks for a moment that she will not continue when she finally speaks up again, "The Titan broke through the beams and grabbed my niece first. It crushed her instantly in its hands." Levi's face does not outwardly react to the undoubtably grotesque scene, but internally, he is can picture the sight he has seen more than he would care to admit. "It pulled its hand up and licked the remanence of her off of his fingers as if it were savoring every bite of her. Six years of life snuffed out in an instant," she exhales, head shaking slightly. "He grabbed onto my sister, careful this time so not to kill her as quickly. I began slashing faster and frantically." Her brows press together as the image presses into her mind, "I remember looking down at the nape of the Titan's neck and saw…" she hesitates for a moment, trying to formulate what in fact she saw. She pulls her hand to the back of her neck, touching her own nape. "I saw a smaller nap." She releases and Levi's brows press together. "I don't know," she says shaking the idea out of her head and placing her hands back on her lap. "Whatever it was, I stabbed it, and that was when the Titan dropped its arms, and released my sister to fall more than sixteen meters to her death, splattering on the cobblestone." She places her hand on her face as a sob releases from her lips. Levi ponders for a moment, contemplating if he should comfort her physically, understanding that some people like to be hugged during tough moments.
She brushes the tears from her face, covering her face from Levi with her long curly hair so he won't see her cry and he takes this as an action of embarrassment, knowing that she doesn't want him to see her cry, so she surely doesn't want to be hugged. She lets out a heavy sigh as she regains her composure. She pulls her hair behind her ears and sniffs as she continues.
"The Titan was frozen and when I moved the knife, it moved with me," she shakes her head at the revelation. "I don't know what was going on in my mind, but all I knew was I wanted to kill every fucking Titan," she says with a strength in her tone. "It took me a while to figure out what movement of my knife made the Titan move the way I wanted it to, but eventually I moved it to two other Titans destroying the city and I made the Titan crush them into the ground." She shrugs, "I don't really remember much about it. I must have blacked out," she says woefully, knowing that the information would have been useful to them. "But I do remember digging in too deeply and the Titan I was on came falling down. And then the next thing I know, I am flying in the air, in the arms of Garrison Commander Pyxis of all people," she scoffs and Levi watches her carefully. She shrugs, "He was so excited and eccentric, as if he wasn't fully comprehending what was happening around him; completely overcome by what he has just seen me do. He soon introduced me to Commander Erwin, and with the promise of killing more Titans, I agreed to join the Survey Corps."
Levi thinks about the unconventional way Erwin recruited him into the Survey Corps, enlisting Levi and his friends for their unmatchable talent in vertical maneuvering, yet none of them had even seen a Titan, let alone take one out. He thinks about her lack of control using ODM gear, and how frustrated her was with her, but in the end, she did more for the Survey Corps than he had prior to his enlistment.
"You did more that day for the citizens of Wall Maria than any Scout did," Levi tells her with strength in his voice. "I understand you lost so much that day, and it may not have felt like a victory for you. But know it was a victory for the Scouts and all the citizens within Wall Maria," he says as she turns her head to his dark eyes. "The same goes for today," he tells her with fierce eyes. "It is never easy to see a victory when lives are lost. But today was the first time in a long time I returned from a scouting mission with a smile on my face and hope in my heart."
"Thank you, Lieutenant." Willow says with upturned brows conveying the importance of his encouraging words towards her.
"Just call me Levi," he tells her with a sideways smile.
She smiles softly towards him, moving her gaze back to the stars.