Chapter Text
He had heard Legosi calling him one last time, but he didn't look back as he sprinted through the corridors. The pale light on the white walls made everything around him blurry. It was only thanks to his memory that he reached his room and bursted in, slamming the door behind him.
His breath was failing him. Every inhale was short, as if there wasn't enough room in his lungs. Louis rested his back on the door and slid to the ground, his head between his legs.
That was it.
He had screwed up. Big time. He had been careful for years, avoiding every single mistake.
Concealing it had been the main focus of his existence. Since he discovered it, the objective had been to dominate it, and he had managed to mellow it down to a simple need rather than a part of him. But after a few encounters with the wolf it had come back. Roaring.
The position wasn't helping, so he sprang up and glanced around the room. He got to his desk and shoved his books on the floor, but the room was just too vacant to let him vent as he wanted to.
The only other idea he had was smoking a cigarette. He never did it in his room, the smell would linger for a long time, but he couldn't resist. After reaching for the packet and the lighter in the night stand, he noticed how hard it was to light it: his hand was shaking. It was a violent tremble, and even when he managed to burn the tip, the shivers made it difficult for him to take the first drag. It clogged his lungs even more, dirtying the small amount of oxygen he had been able to take in. It wasn't as pleasant as it used to be. It felt like burnt plastic and he tossed it out of the window.
The wet and cold air was invading the room, but it didn't matter to him. Having a clear mind was impossible at the moment. He paced through the room for a while before facing the wall and launching a fist to it. Pain exploded in his hand. It was a good thing. It grounded him, but only for a second.
What if Legosi talked? He could destroy him afterwards, but his life would be ruined anyway. He didn't actually know what he should do to the wolf. Banning him from the Drama Club wasn't enough. Expelling him out of school was difficult, and he could still spill the beans when he was out. Maybe he would blackmail him once he was the CEO of the Horns Conglomerate. Maybe he would just destroy his reputation for the fun of it. He had been awful to the carnivore, so why should he be silent? He had to act quickly. Legosi had the knife by the handle, and he needed to change that.
But still, between all that anxiety, fear, stress, and rage at the wolf and himself and constant doubt, hurting Legosi in that way was an idea that his mind refused.
He collapsed on the bed, his clothes still on. His mind kept on running between worst case scenarios and possible solutions that, in the end, he knew he wouldn't put in place. The wind was whistling through the room to the bathroom window, and the temperature was lowering.
At least he didn't know if he was shaking for the cold or for the fear.
Legosi had been wandering around campus all day, unfocused as the shock of the evening still pervaded him.
That was his first kiss.
It lasted a second and he shoved back the person who gave it to him. That was his senpai.
And it was a guy. And, even if it was short, he enjoyed it. It was a nice memory, he already treasured it. And that was confusing.
It was something that just never crossed his mind. At least, that's how it seemed. The pressure of those lips on his face, the rush of Louis's smell as they were so close.
And then the fear in the deer's eyes, his ears lowering and the brief impression that Louis the Red Deer had lost control of the situation, and was just another frightened teenager facing problems that seemed bigger than him.
It had been a bundle of actions and emotions that he had been trying to untangle for hours now, but he couldn't get to the bottom of it.
Of course he wouldn't tell anybody. Those were extremely personal matters. Did he let out any signal of liking Louis? Should he be supportive of him or just let it slide? Was he gay? He liked the kiss, but it was his first. And if he was, what did he have to do? Were there rules to follow?
He tried to reason with himself, mixing all the knowledge he had and ended up rationalizing everything more than finding an explanation. Maybe it was the absence of his father that made that kiss so pleasant. Or maybe the death of his mother. Maybe living with Gosha. Did being calm and reserved make him ignore some aspects of his own life?
The fog in his mind didn't dissipate a bit as the time to return to the dorm approached. The air was cold as autumn pervaded the whole campus and a strong wind shook the yellow and red leaves on the trees. Only some faint rays filtered through the clouds in the sky, too weak to raise the temperature.
He entered the school as the sun was setting, heading to his room. When he reached the door, he stopped for a moment; he wasn't ready to face his roommates' questions, and even less ready to tell them what happened. He made up a credible excuse and entered the room, groaning. As expected, all the faces moved to him, and by faking a stomach ache it was easy for him to slip into the bed, avoiding any talk.
Only Jack, as usual, worried a bit more and pushed his muzzle through his bed curtains.
"Hey, is everything alright? Do you need anything?"
"Don't worry, Jack. I'm fine. I'm sure after a nice sleep I'll be as good as new."
"Well, if you change your mind just let me know. We'll try to keep quiet so you can rest."
"Thanks."
With those last words the curtains were closed and he was alone with his thoughts again. The rambling in his mind that had previously subsided started again.
Maybe being gay was the reason for his calm and respectful behavior. He had always thought it wasn't a manly thing to do. As he was looking for clues, his roommates' laughs were still filling the room. A particular voice caught his interest:
Miguno.
Miguno had been out for years. He had probably dealt with the same problems and had already solved them. He would have all the answers. He would know what to do and why it was happening.
That revelation helped him relax a little and he tried to close his eyes. He couldn't share his doubts to all of his friends, but he had to confront them with the hyena nonetheless.
He tried to figure out a plan to be alone with him until the whole room was silent, and when he finally fell asleep he still hadn't thought of one.
He didn't sleep well that night, but the objective he had in mind helped. He didn't need Collot to drag him out of bed that morning, as he was up and already looking for the chance to talk to Miguno. However, the hyena wasn't in the room and he looked to Jack, puzzled.
"Where's Miguno?"
"Oh, he and Durham woke up early this morning and went for a run around the campus. They have been out for a while now."
It was a Monday, and he had lectures. His plan had to be shifted to the evening.
"How are you feeling? Better than yesterday?"
"Yeah, don't worry, Jack. I'm sure it was just a passing thing."
"Glad to hear that. C'mon, let's get breakfast! If we don't move they'll finish the eggs."
They waited for Legosi as he got cleaned and dressed before they left the room together. Miguno and Durham arrived only when they were already eating. Legosi was still trying to figure out a way to talk to him, and he was being awfully quiet.
He was shaken from his thoughts when Durham punched Collot's arm, laughing. A joke about them having a shower together had made the whole table laugh.
That too was something he needed to talk to the hyena about. He didn't know anything about being gay, but he was sure he couldn't stand the slurs and jokes as calmly as Miguno did.
The breakfast ended and they all headed in different directions, as their schedules were pretty different. He would only have a sea speak lecture with Jack after midday.
The whole day went on lazily. He wasn't able to focus at all, but the halls were big and crowded; no professors noticed how distracted he was. After the school day ended he decided to ditch the Drama Club.
He couldn't face Louis at the moment, and he was sure the deer felt the same. He returned to his dorm, saying he didn't want to push his luck with his stomachache and that he preferred to rest.
Durham, Collot and Jack were studying, Voss was sleeping in his bed and Miguno had just got up and was putting his shoes on. That could be his chance.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm out of pens, so I'm heading to the shop to get some new ones."
"D-do you mind if I join you? I would like to see if they have some pills for my nausea."
It had come out shakier than he expected: he was more scared of the situation then he anticipated.
"Are you sure you don't want me to get them for you? If you're sick it's better if you take it easy."
"No thanks...don't worry I ... prefer to look at what they have..."
Miguno shrugged and smiled at him
"That's fine by me, let's go then!"
They left the room and headed to the shop. His heart started thumping deeply in his chest, and he felt his throat closing. He had felt very sure about it, and now his body was acting as if it was the dumbest decision of his life.
"Legosi, are you ok? You look strange."
He jolted his head to Miguno and felt his pressure rising even more. He had never thought it would be so hard. He figured it would be easy, yet here he was, his hands shaking and his voice broken.
"I-I n-need to t-talk to you. C-can we g-go somewhere private?"
Miguno had a concerned look on his face.
"Sure."
They walked together through the campus. The sun had started to set, making the sky and the few clouds in it a gold and purple shade. The autumn trees reflected the light and spread a sense of peace. There wasn't anyone around, just some late runners that ignored everything around them.
They sat on a bench on the side of a pathway. Legosi's heart hadn't slowed down a bit, and he was still looking for words. Miguno was watching him carefully, not speaking a word. Legosi rubbed his hands together and took a deep breath.
"See, yesterday-"
The words died in his mouth as the lump in his throat got stronger. He avoided looking at the hyena, who was looking at him in silence.
"I-I'm sorry, I d-didn't know it would be so difficult-"
"It's ok, Legosi. Take your time. I'm listening."
He passed a hand through this head and took a breath for the umpteenth time. It seemed like it was the only thing he had been able to do. He waited a few eternal seconds to organize his speech the way he wanted.
"I... kissed someone yesterday."
Miguno didn't push, he just looked at him, showing he had his full attention.
"It wasn't a girl."
He looked for some flinch in the hyena's composure, but when he found none he went on.
"And I... liked it? I-I don't know what to do. I tried to think about it, but it's just so damn unexpected! It just... never crossed my mind. I still don't know if I'm homosexual, but I felt something..."
"Is the guy someone I know? Is he out?"
"He's not. And I can't tell you who he is. I think he was as shocked as I was. I shoved him and he ran away."
"Well, could also have been a fluke. We are teenagers, those things can happen."
"No, I don't think so. I really liked it and the person I kissed... I like him too. It's just so new and it's a lot to deal with! I never thought I could be gay and now I'm clueless."
Miguno was took a moment before speaking in a reassuring voice
"Well, the first thing I can tell you is that there isn't only gay or straight. You could also be bisexual or pansexual. It's much more faceted than you think."
That idea helped release some stress. He had been overwhelmed and knowing it wasn't as black and white as he thought helped.
"That's good to know, but I want to understand it myself before giving a name to it. I guess I'm scared..."
"About what?"
"It's just... is it something I should have already noticed? I've always been calm, I don't like fighting in any way... is it something that influences life that much?"
Miguno smiled at him. It seemed there was an inch of sadness in his expression.
"It may, but not in the way you are thinking. It doesn't change the person you are. Being gay is just a small aspect of life. It's not the reason for you being a nice person. You'll notice that people will give it much more importance than you ever will."
Legosi looked at the ground. Even if those words helped he still needed to vent.
"B-but what do I have to do now? How do I have to act? I don't know what gays do. I don't know how to behave with the guys."
That point was the one shaking him the most. The fear of the reaction and not knowing how to handle it. He felt a hand move to his shoulder and squeeze, calming him a bit.
" I'm sure that won't be a problem! Coming out it's already a strange enough concept. If being gay it's normal you shouldn't even do it, right? You may have to do it with your family, but I'm sure even if you just show up one day holding hand with this guy the boys would be totally cool with it."
The idea of walking around the school with Louis's hand in his own felt suddendly appealing, but he couldn't answer at the hyena. He let out a big breath and kept his eyes on the ground.
"Legosi, listen to me, this is the best advice I can give you: things have to change only in the measure you want them to. Your happiness and your judgment on the matter is the only thing you should worry about. There are no rules you have to comply with, and there are no behaviors that you should follow."
That message stuck a nerve with him. He straightened up a little and spoke again
"I... think... I wouldn't like to hear slurs addressed to me."
He almost whispered the last sentence, it was a part of Miguno's life that he didn't accept and that he couldn't understand.
"That's perfect. I'm sure you won't have any trouble with the guys."
A bit of rage added to his emotions.
"W-why do you stand it? Isn't it awful to hear those things everyday? All the names, the jokes..."
Miguno smiled one more time and leaned into the bench, his eyes still on Legosi
"If they had any means to hurt, they would. But I know the guys. I know Collot, Durham and Voss. They aren't homophobes. Those are just jokes."
"I get that, but if they use them with you they'll use it with the other gay people too!"
The hyena gave him a skeptical expression, snorting
"Do you really think our Collot would go around calling gay people fags? He's one of the kindest people I know. I'm pretty sure that when and if you come out to him he will apologize for weeks about it."
"It's not that, I mean... how can you be so sure they mean it as a joke? Maybe-"
"Legosi"
He turned his face to see Miguno looking him right in the eyes, a serious expression replacing his comprehensive one
"I told you what matters is your happiness and judgment. And that applies to me, too."
Legosi drooped his ears. He had crossed a boundary he didn't mean to.
"S-sorry, it's not my business."
The stern expression remained, but Miguno's tone got softer and softer as he spoke
"Don't worry, I get it. It's odd. But see, when I came out, the only thing I wanted was for things to remain the same. I didn't choose to be gay, and I didn't want it to change my relationship with my friends. It was important to me that this part of me wouldn't influence my life that much. I managed to avoid it, and I'm thankful for it. I appreciate that you and Jack avoid it, but even if you did, it wouldn't matter to me. I know you wouldn't mean it as an insult. As for Collot, I've known him for most of my life. He stood up for me on countless occasions and he was always by my side. Voss asked me if he could, too. He was very unsure about it. And..."
The hyena stopped as if he was thinking about something. Legosi raised an eyebrow and looked at him.
"I can't speak for Durham. He'll explain eventually. Just know that he's a really kind person, and that I'm really fond of him."
That last phrase made him curious, but he didn't want to press the matter.
"I'm still not sure I understand."
"That's fine. I'm not asking you to understand. I'm just asking for you to accept it."
He smiled at the answer and looked at the hyena.
"I can do that."
"Thank you. So, what will you do with this mystery guy now? Seems like he didn't have a nice day either."
Legosi froze: he had been so focused on himself that he had almost forgotten that Louis was surely scared and stressed out at the moment.
"I-I think- no, I have to see him again. He may be in the same situation I am but he doesn't have someone to talk to. God, he was so mad and scared"
"And you want to be that person."
He thought only a moment before answering.
"Yes, I do."
"Well, if you think you can help and you care about him, you have to be that person. If he's having such a bad moment company could do miracles. Spending time with him can also help you understand more about yourself, and I'm sure he would appreciate it."
Miguno pat Legosi on the shoulder and stood up.
"Let's go now. I still have to buy pens and I'm pretty hungry."
"Wait! Just... thank you. You are a good friend, Miguno. I'm glad I could discuss this with you. It helped a lot."
"Don't mention it. And with you we really even the fields in the room."
They laughed at that last joke and started walking back. The image of Louis working out the same shit he did alone was hurting.
He had the Drama Club tomorrow. He could talk to him after it. Even if he wouldn't want his help, he would still give it to him. They walked back to the dorm in a comfortable silence. Opening up to Miguno had been helpful.
He hoped to have a similar conversation with Louis soon.