I quickly exit Peeta's bathroom and make my way towards the living room. I finish braiding my wet hair as I walk and can smell the fire before I see it. For a second, panic washes over me. My skin heats up again, but I remind myself that I am safe here. Still, I should keep my guard up.

I enter the living room and see that Peeta has made us a pallet of blankets on the floor before the fireplace. He sits with his back two me with two teacups. I quietly sit beside him and pull one of the blankets over my legs. He hands me a cup of warm tea, and I take a small sip. It's sweet with honey.

He smiles at me, but I keep my eyes on the flames. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I look at him and get lost in his blue eyes. "About what?"

The spell breaks when he says, "The nightmare that made you run into the rain. Dr. Aurelius always tells me to that it helps to talk about it."

I chuckle at his explanation and remember all the times the doctor has told me that too. As much as I want to relate to Peeta, I know I can't. How can I possibly tell him that he was the one that killed me? I see the deaths I have caused every night, and I still fell guilty. Some of the worst nightmares end with him taking me out.

I sigh and tell him, "He's been saying that to me for months. I don't think you're going to get it on the first try."

Peeta laughs at my reply, and I feel the air between us shift. It no longer feels stuffy. It almost feels like it did on the Victory Tour... comfortable. "Is it always the same?"

"What?"

"Your nightmare?"

I couldn't imagine having the same nightmare night after night. If I had to see Prim die everyday, kill Finnick out of pity more than once, or die at the hands of Peeta day after day, I would go more mad than I already am. "No, it's not. Are yours?"

Peeta's face turns into a frown. "No. When I was held captive with Joanna, she told me how she has the same nightmare every night. I couldn't imagine that."

I nod. "Me either."

Silences fills the air between us, and I begin to miss the sound of his voice. The fire crackles, and the sound gives me goosebumps. I need to say something, to focus on anything besides the feeling of my skin burning. "Does it help?" I ask him.

He looks at me again, but I keep my eyes straight ahead. "Talking about them? I guess so. It helps me decide what is real or not, if the event actually happened and how it happened. I don't fear it so much, and it usually doesn't come back."

I nod again and wonder if most of his nightmares are the lies he was told while being hijacked. "That's good."

"Yeah," he sighs. "But there are some things that he doesn't know. I try to ask Haymitch, but he isn't exactly helpful."

This makes me look at him. "You can always ask me."

An amused smile graces his lips. "Can I?"

Can he? Will I have a nervous breakdown if he asks me about the feelings we used to share? I'm not sure, but it's too late to take it back. "Yes," I tell him.

"Because it seems like you've been avoiding me since I came back."

I blush at his observation and look away from him. It's easier to lie when you're not looking into their eyes. "So you've noticed?"

Peeta lets out a light laugh, a laugh that I could recognize anywhere. "How could I not?" His voice isn't angry or harsh, but I can imagine that he feels hurt. We've been through so much together that it almost seems trivial to avoid each other now.

I have to remind myself that I have my reasons. My wall was built as a defensive mechanism, and I can't let the boy with the bread break it. I can't let him get hurt again. "I didn't think you would want to see me..."

"How could I not?" He repeats in a fond tone. There's a hint of the old Peeta there, confessing his love for me once again.

I shake my head. The old Peeta is gone, and he only feels indifference towards me. He made that clear in 13. "I'm… just sorry. For everything."

"It's okay," he replies in a voice that's even softer than before. "It's not your fault. I know that now."

Once again, silence fills the air between us as I remember some of the things he said to me. "Look at you, for starters...You're not very big, are you? Or particularly pretty? And not even remotely nice."

I reach towards my tea cup and take another sip to clear my racing thoughts. The warmth I feel is immediate, and I wish I felt like that all the time.

I know that Peeta is giving me space and time. If not, he wouldn't stop talking. He always has something to say. Instead, he is watching me carefully tonight. I think finding me in the rain has had some kind of effect on him, and it changed his opinion of how well I am doing.

Unable to take the crackling of the fire or my own thoughts, I ask, "How did your opening night go?"

Peeta beams beside me so bright that I have to steal a glance at him. "It was great. You should've seen it."

The awe in his voice makes me feel guilty, a feeling that I am too familiar with. "I did," I reply.

He tilts his head to one side. "From the window? No, that's different. We've made a lot of improvements."

The guilt is becoming too much, and I have to tell him why I couldn't set a foot inside that bakery. "It brought back too many memories. I didn't want to lose it in front of the entire town. They already think I am crazy."

"You're not crazy," he says softly. "You're healing. We all are."

His optimism renders me silent. It never ceases to amaze me how he can find the good in anything, even after we have seen so much bad.

A few moments pass, and I find that I have run out of things to say and questions to ask. I also know that Peeta isn't going to press me for conversation. I have to do that on my own. Curiosity gets the better of me, and I ask, "Who was that girl?"

"What girl?" He asks nonchalantly.

"The girl in the bakery with you..."

He's quiet for a moment, and I know that he is searching me for a further explanation. When he asked me about Gale, I searched him for jealousy. Perhaps he was doing the same to me now.

If he's surprised by my question, he doesn't show it. "Oh, that's Rae. Her family just moved here from 13. She painted the inside of the bakery and asked for a job. I told her she can run the storefront. I never liked doing that. I'd rather just bake."

I nod in reply. I can relate to that. When Gale and I used to sell our game, I only wanted to do the hunting. Gale was so much better at selling and trading.

Peeta is still quiet, and I get the feeling that he's waiting for a reply. "I understand that feeling."

"You used to sell my dad squirrels out of our back door. Real or not real?"

I'm momentarily stunned that he remembers that. "Real. Well, Gale did the selling. I was just there."

"I remember always trying to beat my dad to the door," Peeta confesses, and I have to look at him. His cheeks are tinted with a blush, and a fond smile is on his lips. "I wanted to see you, even if it meant only seeing you from behind Gale."

I feel my own blush began to grow and have to look away. I hardly ever blush anymore, but Peeta is so good at making me.

When I don't reply, Peeta asks, "How is Gale?"

I swallow hard at the mention of my old friend. Was he asking because he was curious, or because I asked him about his new female friend? I look back at Peeta and can see the jealousy in his eyes. Was it that easy to see it in mine when I asked about the blonde woman? "I haven't seen or spoken to him since the day I killed Coin."

"Really?" Peeta asked surprised. "Why?"

I take a deep breath and remember that day. I also remember that Peeta has no idea what really went on behind the scenes. I haven't even spoken to Dr. Aurelius about this. He asks, but I can't find it within me to explain why it happened.

With a shaking voice, I tell him, "Coin released the parachutes that killed Prim. It was a trap to lure more people in and cause a greater number of casualties. It was Gale's idea, something we did to the miners in 2. His idea killed Prim, and we both knew that I would never forgive him for not protecting my family."

My confession stuns Peeta into silence. I can see the hurt expression on his face, and I know that the same look is on mine. It's a lot for him to take in, and his eyes race back and forth in their sockets trying to sort it all out. I shouldn't have been the one to tell him. I'm never good at explaining things.

"You love him. Real or not real?"

His question shocks me and causes my eyes to meet his gaze. Sadness and jealousy fight be the dominate expression in his eyes. I have thought a lot about this. In my isolation, I had no choice but to confront my feelings for my former best friend. I realized that he would never be and never was more than that.

"Not real," I tell him. Then, I feel the need to add, "I don't think I ever loved him as more than a friend or a brother."

Peeta nods and is the first one to look away. The fire catching his attention. "I gave you a pearl in the Quarter Quell. Real or not real?"

We're continuing the old game we used to play while we stormed the Capitol. These must be the questions he's been wanting to ask me. The questions that no one else can answer except for me.

"Real. I can't believe you remember that."

"I had a dream about it once," he explains with a shrug as if its not a big deal. "Do you still have it?"

"I do. It's in a box in my closet with my mockingjay pin and the pendant you had made for me."

"The pendant had pictures of your mom, Prim, and Gale. Real or not real?"

I give him a small smile as I remember the gesture. "Real. You wanted me to remember who I would be leaving behind."

Peeta's face darkens for a second, and I fear that he may be entering a flashback. It lightens, and he asks, "Then you kissed me like you had never kissed me before. Real or not real?"

My face instantly heats up , and I realize that he wasn't having a flashback. He was just as confused by the sudden hunger I felt and showed through a kiss. "Real."

"Why?"

That's a question I have asked myself many times. Ultimately, the answer is the same. "I realized that I loved you."

"Loved?" He asks with raised eyebrows.

In a sad voice, I tell him, "I'm not the same person I was then."

Peeta scoffs ironically. "Neither am I. The Capitol turned me into a mutt, and I tried to kill you multiple times. And now you hate me and are scared of me." Now, is voice is no longer soft. It's harsh and full of self-hatred, another emotion I know all too well.

"I don't hate you," I tell him in the softest voice I can manage, like Prim did when she comforted a wounded animal. "And I'm not afraid of you."

"I saw the way you looked at me when we took the Capitol and I had attacks, and I saw the way you looked at me when I took away your nightlock pill. You looked like I betrayed you, and I'll never forget it. That's why you've been avoiding me, isn't it?"

It's in that moment that I realize Peeta is not lying. He is genuinely not angry with me, but he is angry with himself.

I am not angry with him either. It's not his fault that the Capitol hijacked him. It's mine. They did it to hurt me, and they succeeded. The only people I am angry at is the Capitol and myself. I don't want to avoid him for the rest of my life. I know that much, but I don't want to feel the pain of losing him again. It would kill me.

I look into his blue eyes and pour my heart out to him like I never have before. "I have lost everything. Everyone I have ever loved is gone or has moved on. I finally decide to not kill myself, and I feel like I could live again when you showed up here and reminded me that I am still as broken as I ever was. I had just forgotten about it. I have lost you numerous times, and I can't lose you again. I can't lose you if I never open back up to you.

"You deserve someone that shares your optimism and happiness… Someone like Rae, who is vibrant and smiling. Not me. Not someone who is dark, twisted, and haunted. I'm sorry, Peeta." With that, I stand and run. I run out the door of his house and to mine. I lock the door behind me and run up the stairs to my bedroom.

The bed that I once ran from looks so inviting, like the covers will protect me and my vulnerable heart. But, the echoes of his protests still find me.