TW; Drowning
During the last month, I have developed and followed a new daily ritual. Getting to know Naruto and Sasuke on a bridge in town bright in the morning, we started our own group training as a warm-up until Kakashi appeared. Day in and day out we perform mundane village tasks and chores. At the end of the day, I go back to Sakura's house and read her journals for around 30 minutes after dinner. Sometimes an hour. Many nights her parents were on missions or would work the overnight patrols near the village outskirts. But I didn't mind spending the nights alone in the house.
I would continue training with chakra control until I was too exhausted from the usage to go on. At the training grounds, and occasionally Sakura's room. One of these nights I thought my sleep would contain me at the lake if I wasn't careful. I didn't have a sense of how much time I had left before the Land of Waves arc and the Chunin exams began.
It made me nervous.
I struggled to control my frustrations and irritability with all the 'missions' - a.k.a. chores - that we did for the village, as we were exhausted and did tedious tasks on a daily basis. Although they kept my hands busy, they did little to quiet my mind. My memory was often triggered every time I saw or did something that reminded me of my own world. No matter how hard I tried, it never failed to ruin my mood. In the midst of the unexpected downpour in my mind, I would close my eyes and keep the drenching off of my face.
As I pulled weeds, I was doing math in my head.
Recalling notes that Sakura had furiously scribbled in her journals as she grew up, while I walked dogs.
When we split up to look for missing pets and cover more ground, I sang songs from home in my head, occasionally humming them aloud if my teammate wasn't in earshot.
I would tinker with my necklace when feeling stressed in my former life.
Nevertheless, it stayed hidden beneath my layers, for fear of one of them noticing it. Answers to questions frightened me, so I chose not to give the opportunity to worry. In these times, I wasn't ready to accept that it might bring me more heartache than comfort. I recognized that I needed to take things slow. Allocating time for my brain to adapt to the new body, bed, home, and friends was important. I kept telling myself it would be okay.
One day, you will find your place in this world. Find a way to breathe again.
Then again, sometimes...
Why the hell am I here?
Day after day my heart was kept in an emotional chokehold, pounding harder than a boombox when night fell and I was forced to endure my thoughts and loneliness on my own.
If Kakashi saw the tears that snuck out during the loudest moments of our missions, courtesy of the boys, he didn't say anything. One part of me believed that the years I spent concealing my emotions, masking the pain, keeping my hardships below the surface had provided me with an advantage in hiding my depression.
Another part of me thought, 'You're so arrogant to think that you could conceal anything from a highly-trained, professional ninja like Kakashi'.
Although I definitely had the advantage that when I arrived in Sakura's body, Kakashi did not know her. I doubted that Sasuke or Naruto had ever paid enough attention to her that they would be able to recognize any change in behaviors and moods.
We all hold a little darkness in our hearts.
In the middle of the first week, I decided to go to the library to find books on water and earth chakras to read. It made sense, I remembered that those are Sakura's natural elemental affinities. It took the empty time away, the time that allowed those negative thoughts and feelings to creep in and threaten to send me into a downward spiral of anxiety and fear.
The list of Jutsus contained in the books was quite limited. Most of them contained meditation techniques that assisted in understanding nature itself. Some brief passages in the books also summarized how villages and towns benefited from the chakra nature use of ninjas in times past. Typically after making it 'home', I would draw a bath close to the top in Sakura's bathroom, leaving just enough room left for me to slip in without overfilling it. It gave me some time to practice, to conjure and merge my chakra with the water. Though my body ached from training and missions earlier today, I decided to proceed with my solo training at the lake that night.
It took a whole week of training before I was able to create wave patterns using my chakra. My water shaping skills have improved over the past four nights and I am now proficient in holding the shapes for short periods of time. The goal tonight was to use water chakra to make a shield around me or armor.
Sakura's parents were both deployed on missions for a week and Team 7 was off the next two days. I really loved taking bubble baths, but there wasn't enough room in the bathtub for the next steps in my training. I did not have the energy most evenings to drag myself out of the tub, mop up the large puddles on the floor, wash all of the towels, and crawl back into bed before my alarm went off and a new day began.
Something had already been mentioned, offhand and under her breath, by Sakura's mother in passing.
"Out of towels already? I thought I just washed some the other day..."
In Konoha, it wasn't exactly on my bucket list of things to do to make a mother who was unaware of her true daughter's disappearance have the impression that she was going senile.
Due to the memorial stone, few people appeared to train at the Third training grounds. If it constantly reminded me of the deaths of some of my loved ones, I would also want to stay away from it as well.
Or all, in Kakashi's case.
When I reached the lake, I slid my shoulder bag over the wooden post and rummaged through it. Once I found the towel I packed, I walked down to the shoreline of the lake and threw it into the grass. Then I undressed down to my underwear and folded them neatly beside the towel.
After wading out into the water until my shoulders were submerged, I leaned back and watched the stars glisten and twinkle. With time, my perspective of Konoha and the world around me grew to include greater appreciation for what it is like to live here with no light pollution. As I watched the constellations travel slowly across the sky, I recognized them as the same ones I saw back home. My home.
The coolness of the water and weightlessness in my body were some of the many sensations I could choose to focus on while breathing evenly. I could hear my heartbeat and the sound of waves echoing through my ears, as well as the inhale and exhale of air I took. A deep blue glow graced the water as I invoked chakra and willed it to embrace me. It grew large and stretched out further, flowing into the water.
My mind focused on the image of waves forming up around me, slowing the pulsations of my chakra. Waves swirled away from me. My heart beat swiftly, attempting to control the pulses so they returned to me. During the next 30 minutes of meditation, sweat flowed down my forehead into the water. The water had barely begun to spread out from the surface. It took another hour and a half for it to wrap around a quarter of my body. Hence, I had only 15% more chakra in my body to burn before it was time to call it a night.
As I tapped into this realization, I layered extra chakra all over my lower half, which in turn caused the water to roll up around it. The distance it needed to cover in order to completely encompass me was just under 2 feet.
Closing my eyes again, I concentrated hard on pooling more chakra over the rest of my body, begging internally that it would bridge across and meet the water on the other side. I felt as if it was starting to rain as faint sprinkles of cold water fell on my face. It was eerily silent as nature's echoes muffled out.
Caw!
My eyes snapped open when the high-pitched call jerked me out of my concentration. For a brief moment, I was elated to find that I had succeeded in enveloping my body with water using elemental chakra. Although I was very excited at the moment, my joy was short-lived. In a sphere of water, I floated, just above the lake.
"Fuck..." I cursed, throwing my hands against the sphere. As the effects of low chakra reserves bit me in the ass, I struggled to dispel the chakra from it. While searching my thoughts for any information on water prisons that might help me, I tried not to get distracted by the ominous rising water inside the sphere. One dark thought struck me that I read in a book many years ago. It is a 'fact' I didn't even know was true, but it still frightened me.
Within four to six minutes after drowning, an individual will start to experience brain damage followed by death.
"Somebody help me!" I cried in terror, flaring my chakra so strongly, desperately praying that someone nearby would sense my plight. I was left in a state of exhaustion from low chakra as well as hyperventilation from panic. Yellow spots speckled my vision as tears began to form in the corners of my eyes. The water reached my stomach in a matter of mere seconds. There were only a few inches of free space above my head.
No... I've been pulsating my chakra for hours. It didn't bring anyone here before. All I have is myself.
Caw-caw!
Turning my head slowly to the wooden post, I noticed the crow sitting on top of my bag, staring back at me with a glimmer. As the bird cocked its head to the side, I felt a strange sense of déjà vu.
Is this the same one? How much oxygen do I have left inside of this bubble?
"Please... Don't let me drown." I whispered, stretching my neck as high as my personal water prison allowed as I rose up on my tiptoes, keeping my mouth above water level. As the water continued to rise and splash my face, I was unable to make out the bird's figure. There would be no space left soon.
Caw! Caw-caw!
You are mocking me, aren't you?
As the murky water crept up and obscured my vision, the yellow specks dissipated into black. I looked over one last time and only saw a dark shadow in place of the bird during those painful moments. I closed my eyes and took one last deep breath before I became completely submerged in the water. No longer did I push up on my toes in an attempt to conserve energy, instead I curled inward.
Can I return home?
I'm a fool for wanting this.
I could feel my lungs burning and aching more and more with each passing thought.
How did I end up here?
I cannot lose hope now.
After all my work...
I lost control and gasped for air as I clung desperately to the hope of being able to return home.
I can't take any more.
I'm a goner...
Suddenly, my vision went pure white. My ears rang so loudly that it hurt.
How can it be so easy for you to lie to yourself?
I could hardly register the strong hand wrapping itself around my wrist, yanking me sharply from the water sphere. Like lightning, the rush of freezing air shook me. I could feel the solidity of the earth as I was layed down on the ground and hands were placed over my chest. As I opened my eyes, I scanned the blur in an effort to make out an image. Suddenly there was a burning, suffocating sensation that rose violently through my body from my lungs and stomach into my throat. Upon being triggered by the horrible feeling, I was turned over onto my side, coughing and vomiting, and the contents of both my stomach and lungs emptied out onto the ground beside me. If I woke up the next morning, I would not remember the face of the person who saved me.
Those eyes, however, would remain etched in my mind forever.
The dark orbs staring down at me.
With a pounding headache and the feeling of jagged rocks in my stomach and inflamed, sore lungs, I awoke. A fit of hysteria led me to cough violently, wheezing, desperately trying not to lose consciousness as my vision grew blurry. As the coughs and ragged breathing continued, I made every effort to regain control.
At least its not too wet...
After I recovered my composure, I studied my surroundings. A few feet from the wooden posts, I lay on my side in the damp grass, my body dry but my hair still soaked. For support, my damp towel had been wrapped tightly and placed under my head. The clothes I wore were on my body. I was only a few feet away from a pile of watery vomit, and the smell alone nearly caused another setback.
I pushed myself up slowly as I examined the situation further, my heart pounding in my chest from the movements due to my low oxygen level. I struggled to get on my knees as goosebumps rose along my skin from the cold. It was impossible to find any other indication that anyone was there. I saw them, though. I knew they'd been there.
Why is it so hard for me to remember their face?
Clumsily, I rose to my feet and staggered over to the wooden post, pulling my bag from it. Due to the weight of it, it slipped from my hand, dropping to the ground and spilling some of its contents. I turned and leaned back against the post, sliding down it slowly and resting next to the bag. A shuddered sigh escaped my lips as I pressed my knees against my chest and rested my chin on top of them. The chilling feeling in my core left me desolate and cold. Chapped lips told me that I was dehydrated, despite becoming one with water earlier that night. Involuntary tremors and a lack of energy caused me to stay rooted to the spot, unable to find the will to move and grab the blanket in my bag. I sat there with a blank expression, clutching my necklace tightly in my hand, whilst my gaze was drawn out into the water.
This life means nothing without you.
It wasn't until I was ripped back to the reality that I realized that I had lost track of how much time passed.
"Sakura?" A pair of legs blocked my view of the lake.
As I jerked backward, my heart thudded painfully. It triggered another coughing fit, thankfully shorter and dryer than the one I woke up to. I did not need to look up to figure out who it was. His familiar, dark, worried gaze slowly lowered to mine, and I squinted at his ninja sandals, unable to meet his gaze. Sasuke settled back into a crouch, scanning me over before focusing his gaze on my fist and the chain that ran up around my neck.
He turned his head to look at my wet, wrapped towel and overturned bag. Then he reached forward and placed the back of his hand on my forehead. I nearly flinched back from the contrast in temperature.
No, not you. Anyone but you.
"Cold as ice." He muttered, accidentally bringing strands of my long hair forward towards him as he brought his hand down. He rubbed the still-damp ends between his fingers before letting them fall back over my legs.
Trying to respond, I wheezed instead, releasing my necklace to place a hand over my mouth as I struggled to keep another round of coughs down. I motioned my pounding head over to the bag next to me. As he leaned closer to it, he opened it further and reached in to grab my blanket from within. He held a side of the blanket in each hand, looking at me expectantly, but I had too little energy to move forward from the post. I tried to communicate that through my expression as my teeth chattered together and I shook my head.
Although I expected him to be annoyed, Sasuke patiently draped the blanket over his left arm and pulled me forward so I could lean against him rather than the post for support. The warmth radiated like waves from him and I clasped his shirt in my hands as he wrapped the blanket snugly around me. His fingers pulled my cold, damp hair out from under the blanket carefully. Tears burned in my eyes at the thoughtfulness of the gesture and I fought to hold them back by swallowing hard instead of biting my cheek, afraid that my chattering may take a chunk.
Why is he being nice to me?
"What's happened to you?" Sasuke asked as he tried to pull back from me.
I shook my head. My heart swelled with hurt and shame from his questions, and more than likely, from his judgment of me. My anguish and ache to go home, my home, was still fresh and I bunched his shirt tighter in my hands.
I'll break down if he keeps looking at me like that.
I didn't understand why his opinion of me mattered so much, but it did. I felt ashamed of my own weakness. I hated how pitiful I knew I looked. What I hated, even more, was that he was here to see it. I wanted to be strong for the boy I had placed all of my determination into, the boy I hoped to support in the path of darkness and hate that laid ahead of him.
"It's past 3 in the morning. Won't your parents be worried?"
My voice trembled audibly as I muttered, pitch wavering with grief.
"N-nobody's... home."
Our conversation fell silent as Sasuke couldn't find a response to that.
"Where do you live?"
"I live..." I began, but the urge to cough came back with a vengeance that I couldn't fight this time. All I could do was bring my hand back to my mouth and push away from him with all my strength. I hunched my head down, my chest flaring with pain as another round of coughs consumed me. With spots filling my vision once again, my lungs burned as slow hyperventilation came between my coughs and I fought to breathe in.
For the second time that night, the darkness won and took over.