26th of December, 2006.
I'm not sure where I stand with this… I guess it doesn't matter now. This notebook just comes to my mind once in a while, and I don't have a clue as to why or when. I guess I shouldn't berate myself over not knowing the answer. Hardly anyone does. Still, having the faintest idea about something gives you an advantage over others who have nothing. It's like… I may be able to dismantle a phone and put it back together, but what I'm saying is… even if someone doesn't know the inner workings of a phone, those who still know how to use one are much better off than the ones who don't have it or don't understand one. So, yeah, my feelings are like machinations that are beyond my skill.
Sorry about that, really, it made it sound like I… well, I'd rather not jinx it. Days pass by and I do feel like I'm walking above an acid pit, but hey, I'm still steady and far from falling into one. It's still tough, but I manage. It's what he would have wanted. It's what everyone else wants. Me, I guess it doesn't matter now. It's up for future me to decide if it's worth it.
…
Well, I guess I should start with the big thing. It's not exactly in the order that things played out but… well it's more like at the end of it. You definitely all know, whoever you all are, what I'm talking about.
Christmas. A holiday that's so jolly and full of warmth when everything around you is cold. I remember building snowmen, throwing snowballs and watching their parabolic movement as I strike… him down. Gosh, there was so much laughter in the air back then. And now, half of it is just gone forever… and another 49% followed. Barely anything remains but undisturbed snow and the numbing cold.
Still, I gathered with my friends and we walked the streets. We all went, bought some stuff I guess… mostly the girls, I think most of just stood there bored as hell. Then we all went and had a nice meal…
…
If Sonic were here he would have ordered some chili dogs, as per usual. And… we did too, now, well… yesterday but yeah, we just went on and bought them. I… It was weird honestly, I kinda just expected him to appear around the corner and swallow the whole thing. Felt like giving the plate away to him for a second only to realize that I couldn't. Strange, but I laughed it off to myself. They tasted really good that day… maybe it's just the memories, but I feel as if I got to appreciate them a bit more now. I don't know if this counts as living in the past, but I think I needed to remember… I sure as hell won't be able to forget.
Anyways, after the meal we got around and finally opened up our presents. It was so… I can't begin to describe how beautiful it was. There were a lot of presents all around, and I've gotten so much stuff this year. I kinda feel bad that I couldn't find all the best presents for my friends, but they didn't seem to mind. Honestly, I feel warm thinking about it. They were all so nice and sweet, and y'know it's not like I was the one who was hogging all the fun as I tend to do. No, I feel like my presents actually made their days, like it was all worth it. I think that, in the end, it doesn't matter what others did to me, it's about what I did for them. I've always wanted to step forward, become the reason why someone's smile is wider than it used to be. I mean that's the point of life, isn't it? Your life is as meaningful as the difference you make in the world.
…
I made a present for him, aswell. I know, it's not like it would ever be open… but… I mean, it puts my mind at ease. I can't explain, I don't want to… it's just one of the things I have to do. Gosh, I think he would have loved the sneakers. I see his old ones in the hallway, they are kinda faded and the white stripes are more yellowish now. Not to mention they don't smell that good anymore. I don't think he knows… knew… how much he wore them down. These new ones would have looked really nice on him, plus they're extra comfortable and could make him even faster and more agile, mostly because they are brand new. I left them in his room for now.
Speaking of the room, I haven't talked about it much, but I feel like I can finally go in there without breaking down. It's been so nice having him around there, but rooms cannot stay unchanged for so long. One of these days, maybe pretty soon, I am going to call over my friends and we are going to clean up everything.
…
I don't know actually, I just… I can't imagine what I would use the room for. It's simply not something I can change. It's been there since the beginning of my life… well not my actual beginning, but I haven't started living 'till Sonic showed up. I don't need any more rooms though, I already have more than I need. I guess I'll have to think it over. Darn, I hope my friends won't make a fuss about leaving it as it is. They need to understand, I can't just… well…
…
Again it doesn't matter. The thing is, overall, I'd say I've been doing better since the last I wrote. I'm taking things slowly, one at a time. I already told myself to work on my hobbies a little bit more, and so far, it's been working. At first, I thought working with no goal in mind was impossible, but as I made some stuff, I feel more confident about doing some proper work. I also try to get outside as much as I can. It's pretty cold, can't deny that, but it suits me.
For now it feels like I am putting on a mask, but I think if I put some energy into it, my smile would soon become more genuine as time goes on.