Gunner

He wasn't even sure how it had started. They had been eating pizza, and then the rest of the group had slowly dispersed for the night. Tool went out with a woman. Barney went to Dino's bar. Caesar went home. Yang went to some martial art class. It left Gunner and Victoria alone, and Gunner was feeling very nervous.

"I haven't seen you at NA lately," she commented. She was sitting on the couch, her feet in his lap. He was absently massaging them. She wasn't telling him to stop, so he assumed she was enjoying it.

"I kinda stopped," he admitted.

"Why?"

"It's just easier to give in sometimes," he answered.

"It is, but at what cost?" she asked. Gunner didn't say anything. He knew she was right. He kept massaging her feet, not knowing what else to do or say. He felt like a failure most of the time. He wasn't sure why he existed. If it was just to kill people, then it was pretty bleak. He sighed heavily.

"What's on your mind?" Victoria asked, and he looked at her. She was looking at him as though she was really seeing him, and he felt taken aback. He wasn't used to someone actually seeing him. Well, Norah had too, but not quite like this.

"How did it get so strong?" he questioned. She didn't even have to ask to know what he was referring to. She sighed herself and shifted her hair back from her face absently.

"It starts as a distraction, and it gets bigger because we do it more and more," she answered. "It helps with pain. It helps with trying to forget, to numb things out. It feels good...most of the time. We have to do more and more because it doesn't work as well with minimal doses, so it grows. The next thing you know, it's a damn elephant sitting on your chest and squeezing the life out of you."

"How do you get rid of the pain?"

"I'm working on it," she answered, "in therapy. Confronting it. Working through it. Acknowledging that it exists but doesn't have to consume me. Knowing there is joy on the other side of the coin, and you can't have one without the other. So by that logic, knowing that pain and sadness can't exist without joy...it helps cope with those feelings. I don't know why it works...it just does. For me, anyway."

Gunner was enthralled with her wisdom. Clearly therapy was working for her. Maybe he should give it a try.

"I don't know how to confront my pain," Gunner admitted. He didn't like to think about it at all.

"Sometimes pretending it sits in a chair and you get to talk to it helps," Victoria offered. Gunner gave a snort at this, and she smiled. "I know. I looked at my therapist like she was crazy when she suggested it, but you know...it actually helped me. Giving something unseen a face or a shape makes it less intimidating, less frightening, especially if you picture a little black raven sitting on the chair." She gave him a nudge with her foot into his chest at this, and he chuckled.

"Fair enough," he said. She took her feet back and moved so that she was on her knees next to him on the couch. She put a hand on his shoulder and another on his face.

"You're worth something, Gunner," she said to him. "You're bigger than the demons haunting you. You're stronger. You can and will get through this. It's up to you, and just know that you'll have so much support when you do decide you're ready. I know I'll be there for you."

Gunner felt emotional as he looked into her eyes. She had a calm expression on her face, looking back at him. When he moved to kiss her, she didn't pull away. He wasn't sure what had possessed him to do it, but he wasn't regretting it. She climbed onto his lap and gripped his face, kissing him hard. Gunner felt confident suddenly that he could do this, he could crawl his way to sobriety and stay there. If he had her by his side.

"What the hell is going on here?" Toll's voice demanded, and all kissing stopped. Victoria looked over Gunner's head at her brother, and Gunner didn't even have to look to know what expression was on Toll's face. He cringed.

"Hey, bro," Victoria said casually, slipping off of Gunner's lap. "What's up?"

"You didn't answer me," Toll said angrily. "I left Norah because I thought..."

"You thought what?" Victoria cut him off. "That I was doing drugs again?"

"Vic..."

"Just say it, Nick," Victoria interrupted angrily. "Just say it. You don't trust me. You think I'm gonna relapse, and you think I'm stupid enough not to realize you think these things."

"Vic, I'm just trying to look out for you..." Toll tried. Gunner was trying to slink away unnoticed, but Toll pointed a finger at him furiously. "I'm not finished with you."

"Leave him alone," Victoria said sharply.

"He knows better than to..."

"To what?" she cut him off again. "To what, Nick?"

Gunner was still trying to get used to Toll being called Nick. It felt foreign to him. He backed away slowly, but Toll kept shooting looks at him, stopping him every few seconds.

"You're my sister," Toll said strongly. "And he...he's him."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Victoria commented. "Gunner is an amazing human being, Nick, and I'm a grown ass adult. I can do what I want. I don't need your blessing..."

"So, what? You use him and dump him like you do with everyone else?"

"That's not fair..."

"He's my friend, Vic," Toll said loudly. "I will not let you toy with him and break his heart because he's the next whim for you!" The words settled in the air, and Gunner swallowed. Victoria looked like a storm cloud. She glared at her brother.

"F*** you," she said, turning to leave.

"Wait," Toll called after her. "Vic!"

"Search the alleys, Nick!" she shouted back at him. "You might find my overdosed body there later!"

"VIC!" Toll bellowed, chasing after her. Gunner hung back. He hadn't anticipated this happening. He hadn't meant to upset Toll. He looked down at his feet.

You're nothing. You're nobody. You're pathetic. You asked for it.

He clenched and unclenched his fists slowly. The voice echoed in his head. He did his best to stop the image of the person it belonged to from popping into his brain. He couldn't. He saw it unfold in his mind from start to finish. Over and over again. His heart sped up. His breath became shaky. He was trembling.

Without another thought, he strode towards the fridge and yanked it open. He grabbed a beer and held it in his hand, staring at it.

Do it. You're a loser. You deserve to fail. You don't deserve to be happy. She wouldn't care about you anyway.

This was his voice now, not the other person's. He opened the beer and chugged. He felt tears burning in the corners of his eyes as he wiped his mouth after. He felt his heart rate start to slow down, and his breathing settled. He wasn't trembling anymore. The voice and image of the person was gone. The only voice left in his head was his own, and it was on a roll now.

I knew you'd do it. You're weak. You're pathetic. You'll never amount to anything. You'll never have anyone love you. You're just a gigantic freak who kills people for a living. You are not strong. You are not smart. No one wants you around. You're better off dead...

He drank and drank until he couldn't hear it anymore.

Norah & Lee

Norah was standing outside when Lee arrived on his bike. She felt the thrill in her stomach at the idea of riding it with him. She'd always wanted to ride a speed bike. She'd ridden a dirt bike before. How hard could it be? He stopped and got off, removing his helmet as he walked over to her.

"You smoke?" he asked, seeing her cigarette. She put it out, finished with it anyway, and nodded.

"Yea," she answered.

"How did I not know this?"

"Why? Would you not have rented your basement to me if you knew?"

"I don't like smoking."

"Well, I've got good news for you," she said, looking at him. "You're not the one smoking, so there's no problem."

He pressed his lips together, not commenting. He'd address it again later. He looked at his bike briefly before looking back at her.

"You good with this?" he asked.

"Hell yea!" she exclaimed. "Can I drive?"

"No."

"Pleeeaaase?!"

"No," he said again, more firmly. She bounced along beside him as they walked towards his bike.

"I know how," she insisted. "Driving a speed bike is on my bucket list."

"No."

"I'll be super careful."

"No."

"Just halfway home?"

"No."

"Come oooon," she wheedled.

"No."

"Don't make me shoot you with the nail gun again," she threatened. He stopped short, making her almost trip over her feet to stop as well. He gave her a level stare. Did she really think he'd give her access to the nail gun ever again?

"No," he said strongly. He handed her the spare helmet. "Get on."

"Is this because I smoke? Cos that's smoke-ism," she said. He raised a brow.

"What?" he dared to ask.

"Non-smoker judging a smoker," she answered, jutting her chin out. He snorted.

"Come on, weirdo," he said impatiently. "Put it on, and let's go."

"Can I just sit and hold the handlebars?"

"No."

She pouted, but she put the helmet on and waited for him to start it up before climbing onto the back. Lee felt her wrap her arms around him, and he felt a slight lurch. He hadn't had physical contact with a woman in quite some time. He cleared his throat and put the bike in gear. She held on tighter the faster he went, but she was whooping and hollering back there like a crazy person, and he couldn't help but smile.

Barney

He was on his second beer when Toll called. He frowned, wondering what was going on. Dino was busy chatting up a couple of women, so Barney had to turn away to be able to hear Toll. He'd missed everything he'd just said.

"What?" he asked, plugging his other ear with his finger.

"Victoria is missing," Toll repeated.

"Missing?"

"Yea."

"Shit. I'm coming," Barney said. "Text me where you are."

"Will do."

He pulled out some bills and left them on the bar top. Dino nodded at him in acknowledgement, knowing better than to refuse Barney's money. It would only get stuffed somewhere for him to find later. It wasn't worth the fight. Some guys didn't like free stuff, and Barney was one of them. He liked to pay for things, earn things.

Barney went out to his bike and got on, revving it up. He tore off to where Toll was waiting, and he found his friend leaning against his car and looking desolate.

"What happened?" he asked, getting off his bike and hanging his helmet on the handle. Toll sighed.

"We got into a fight," he replied. "I caught her with Gunner..."

"You what?" Barney asked, having not heard correctly.

"She was macking on Gunner," Toll repeated. "Hard. I got mad, and she ran off."

"Uh oh."

"I know. I'm trying to get a sense for where she is or where she would go, but I got nothin'," Toll said.

"That magic twin thing is broken, huh?"

Toll shot him a look and said nothing. They started walking together side by side. Barney felt a little worried. He knew Victoria could be irrational and impulsive at times, especially if she was upset. He gathered she was quite upset right now.

"What if she relapses because of this?" Toll asked after a while. "It'll be my fault."

"You didn't force her to take the drugs," Barney reminded him.

"No, but I triggered her."

"She's her own person, Toll. You can't make anyone do anything. If she relapses, it's because it was her choice. You can't blame yourself."

"I just freaked," Toll said, rubbing his face with one hand. "I didn't mean to. It was just unexpected. I mean, Gunner? Why would she target him?"

"Target?" Barney repeated.

"She does this with guys. She gets with one and makes all these promises. Then she leaves them and breaks their heart. I can't let her do that to him. He's got his own shit to deal with," Toll sighed.

"Again, they're adults," Barney said. "You can't make them do or not do anything."

"Uuuuuuggggghhhhhh," Toll said, long and loud. "This is stupid. If she doesn't want to be found, I'm not gonna find her."

"Why don't you just go home and try calling her a bit later? Let her cool off," Barney suggested.

"I guess that's all I can do," Toll agreed. "Thanks, man. Sorry to drag you out here for nothing."

"It wasn't for nothing. You needed support. You got me for that," Barney said, patting Toll's shoulder firmly. "Go home. Call her later. If by morning she is still missing, we'll go looking again."

"All right."

They were back to their car and bike by this point. They went their separate ways, and Barney hoped for Toll's sake that his sister would come home very soon.

Yang & Tool

"What the hell happened here, brother?" Tool asked Yang as he came towards him. Yang was sitting in the common room doing a Sudoku puzzle as usual. He looked up at Tool.

"What do you mean?"

"It feels like a grenade went off in here," Tool answered. "I've got bad vibes."

"I don't know. I got here and no one around."

Tool wondered where Gunner was. He eyed the beer bottles on the counter and guessed he had gone on a drinking spree. He sighed, deciding it wasn't worth figuring out what was going on. He didn't like drama anyway. He lit his pipe and set to work on designing another tattoo. After a while, he looked over at Yang, who was still silent. Tool sometimes wondered what was going on inside that man's head. He didn't say much usually, but there was a sadness in his eyes, if you paid attention to it. Tool always noticed what was in someone's eyes.

"Why you stare?" Yang asked, not looking at him. Tool chuckled. Of course Yang would notice him staring.

"Nothing, man. Just thinking," he replied. Yang gave a slight grunt in response and scribbled his pencil into the puzzle book, brow furrowed. Tool wondered if they'd find out Yang's story one day.

Rose

She worked hard, trying to forget about Mac's visit. She tried to forget that she was pregnant for five minutes, just for a reprieve, but that was proving difficult. Her father was scrubbing the walls in the bathroom while she was bagging things up. It was another homicide. Rose wondered what had made the husband so angry that he thought killing his wife would solve all his problems. She shivered.

"Ah, God," Joe said, coughing into his arm. Rose didn't engage. She didn't feel like talking. Her father had tried, but she just wasn't up to it. She was too afraid of blurting out the truth, and she didn't want to tell him yet. She didn't want to see the disappointment in his eyes.

Norah hadn't called her back. She wondered what was going on with her sister. What mess had she gotten herself into this time? It seemed inevitable, really.

"Are you gonna see that Winston fellow again?" Joe asked casually. Rose tensed. Winston. She didn't know what to tell him either. She really liked him, but would he be able to stick around while she had someone else's baby? It seemed unlikely. She was pretty sure she was gonna have to let him down gently and mourn the loss of something that hadn't quite taken off of the ground yet.

"I don't know," she answered her father. It was the safest answer. He just nodded and didn't say anything else. She felt bad, but right now, she felt like she was in survival mode.

And silence was her best weapon during this time.

Toll

He walked into his apartment to find Victoria sitting on the couch watching TV. He stalled, feeling angry suddenly.

"Have you been here the whole time?" he demanded. She turned to look at him.

"Yep," she answered, looking back to the TV. "Last place you'd think to look, right?"

"Are you shitting me?!" he shouted. "Vic, I was terrified!"

"Because of me possibly relapsing or because you think it was your fault?" she asked.

"I just can't win with you, can I?" he countered.

"This isn't a game, Nick."

"We used to be 'Vicnic' remember?" he asked, ignoring her. "Us against the world. We were close. We didn't fight. What the hell happened to us?"

"You've let your fear turn into anger," she answered simply. "And soon it will make you hate me because you can't control me and you can't trust me. You'll spend the rest of your life suffering because of it." Toll refrained from pointing out that he wasn't some Jedi Padawan who needed to learn the lesson of fear. He already knew it.

"I'm scared, yes," he admitted. "But I don't hate you, Vic. I never will."

"Maybe you should," she said, getting up and turning off the TV. "I'm going to bed."

"Vic..."

"Good night."

"Vic!"

She slammed her door hard, and he stood there feeling useless and helpless.

Lee

"That was sick!" Norah exclaimed, pulling her helmet off. Lee was doing his best to hide his smile. She definitely had a zest for life. He took the helmet from her without a word and walked towards the house. She was right behind him.

"Can we go again?" she asked.

"Not right now."

"But another time?"

"We'll see," Lee answered, walking up the steps with Norah practically on his heels. Sassy tried to make a run for it when the door opened, making Norah bend down to catch her quickly.

"Hey, you," she said, giving the kitten kisses. "I missed you."

Lee dodged Rupert's flying jump just in time. It seemed the dog had stopped hiding from him. Thankfully, there were no further damages in the house since he'd been gone.

"I missed you too," Norah said to Rupert, whose tail was thumping on the floor so loud by this point. Sassy jumped down and tore off. Lee sank down on the couch and turned the TV on. His fingers twitched, missing the knife he usually spun in his fingers when he was sitting idle. He heard Norah bang about in the kitchen getting something to drink before she went down to her room. He'd meant to ask her if she'd gotten the job.

He was surprised he cared.

"What?" he asked when Rupert whined. The dog rested his head on Lee's chest, looking at him. He reached to scratch the soft ears while keeping an eye on the TV. His phone vibrated, and he picked it up to look at the text message.

He's out.

Ice went through Lee's veins suddenly, and he felt like he couldn't breathe. He gripped the phone tight in his hand as he stared at the message. There was no name to the sender, but Lee knew who it was. They'd agreed to let Lee know when this day would come, and it seemed it had arrived. He forced himself to text back.

Copy that.

He lowered the phone, and Rupert was pressing into him harder now, having sensed Lee's anxiety. He sat up, forcing himself to breathe. There was no possible way he could be found here. It had been so long ago, maybe they'd forgotten their threat or decided it wasn't worth it anymore. Lee somehow doubted that, though. Memories came flooding into his mind, and he felt himself starting to breathe a bit harder from the now escalating anxiety.

"Lee?"

He jumped. Rupert was bucked off from the sudden movement and snorted in displeasure. Lee's heart was racing harder than before as he turned to see Norah standing there. She looked apologetic.

"I didn't mean to scare you..." she started.

"It's fine," he cut her off. "What do you want?" His voice was gruffer sounding than he intended, but that's what happened when he was scared. He tried to overcompensate with toughness.

"I was just wondering if you had a spare power bar I could borrow," she said. "I...I can just go buy one..."

"I've got one," he said, standing up. Something to do would help his thoughts stop racing like a damn freight train. He went to his utility drawer and opened it, rooting around noisily. Norah stood there waiting. Once he located it, he pulled it out and shut the drawer.

"Thanks," she said when he handed it to her. "Are you sure you're okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"I'm fine," he snapped. She raised a brow.

"Okay," she said slowly. "Touchy."

"Do you need anything else?" he asked roughly.

"Nope," she answered, walking away from him. He felt bad for taking it out on her. It was just poor timing. He went outside for some air, thinking maybe it would help clear his head.

It didn't.

Norah

Something was clearly bothering Lee. After he bit her head off, she'd stayed out of his way until the next morning. She had woken up before her alarm clock (a total first) and managed to fit a walk in before breakfast (another first...she was surprising herself). She was fixing herself oatmeal and coffee and planning on when she was going to call Rose back when Lee walked into the kitchen. It was Saturday, which meant no carpentry work. Norah was thankful for this. Her muscles were still screaming at her. Lifting a spoon was proving to be painful, but she kept her winces in check. She wasn't about to show she was a weakling.

"Morning," Lee said.

"Yes it is," she agreed. He said nothing else as he pulled out his frying pan and eggs, which she was fine with. He seemed to be less grumpy, so she wondered if whatever it was that was bothering him got resolved. Rupert came and flopped at her feet under the table. She rubbed one on his belly, and he groaned with appreciation. She wasn't sure where Sassy was.

"Your cat is in my bed," Lee told her, as if he read her mind.

"What?"

"You forgot to shut the door again," he went on, "so she came to my bed again. She's still there now."

"Oh. Crap, I'm sorry," Norah apologized. "Do you want me to get her?"

"I've learned a long time ago it's best to let the cat do what it wants," Lee answered. She saw him touch the spot behind his left upper arm absently, and she wondered if there was a scar there from a cat scratch.

"Are you nervous around cats?" she asked.

"No," he answered, scoffing. Norah saw her kitten come strutting into view at this point. She sat and yawned before beginning to wash her face with her paw.

"A big, tough guy like you is scared of a w'ittle kitty cat?" Norah asked, her tone mocking in a baby-like voice. "Look at her over there...wiping at her face. So scary...so intimidating..."

"Do you want to be homeless?" Lee shot at her, giving her a glowering look.

"No," she answered a bit meekly. Then she pressed her lips together, trying to stop herself from smirking.
"Feel free to leave the house and bugger off somewhere at any time," he said crustily. He was finished with his eggs at this point and stood at the counter to eat them.

"You can sit at the table with me," Norah said. "I'm not gonna attack you."

"I like to stand sometimes," he retorted.

"Ooookay," she said, getting up and taking her dishes to the sink. "Somebody woke up cranky today." Apparently she had misread him. What did he look like when he was happy? She wondered.

Lee didn't say anything as she left him alone. She went outside, deciding to wander the property. Rupert went with her, sniffing every bush and peeing on them too. Norah breathed in the fresh air and felt happy. It was turning out that New Orleans was good for her. She approached a fair sized, grassy hill, and she smiled to herself. A memory was coming to her, and she suddenly decided to relive it. She'd have to do it without Rose, but she could pretend her sister was there with her.

"All right," she said to Rupert. "Watch this." She lowered herself down onto her belly, and Rupert dropped to his as well, giving her a curious look. Norah giggled. "Ready? One, two, three, go!" She flipping to her right, rolling down the hill faster and faster. She tucked her arms in tight to her body, shrieking and laughing the whole way to the bottom. Rupert started barking and chasing after her. She stopped, sprawled at the bottom on her back, and she kept laughing as Rupert reached her and started sniffing and licking her face, looking worried.

"I'm okay," she promised him, reaching to pet his face affectionately. "Rose and I used to do that a lot as kids at one of the hills back home." She sat up and brushed off the blades of grass that had stuck to her. Then she looked at Rupert.

"Wanna go again?" she asked. He tilted his head from side to side before turning to race up to the top of the hill. "I'll take that as a yes!" She jumped to her feet and ran after him. She felt giddy, alive. When she got to the bottom this time, Rupert crashed down and rolled around on his back next to her, making sounds of joy himself. Norah wondered how hard it would be to teach him to roll down the hill. She made an attempt, but Rupert kept jumping up to bounce around from excitement, so she went down alone again. She was feeling a bit dizzy as she headed up the hill again. She halted when Lee was suddenly standing there. She couldn't read his expression.

"What?" she asked when she finally got to him.

"What are you doing?" he countered. "I heard Rupert barking like crazy...I thought something happened to you." The concern in his voice was surprising. Norah didn't think he cared that much about her.

"We," Norah said, "are having fun."

"Fun," he repeated.

"Yes! Fun. You know, that thing you do to make you laugh and smile?" she asked, putting her hands on her hips. She saw him examine the state of her with a raised brow.

"And just how are you doing that?" he asked.

"If I told you, then that would spoil it," she answered mischievously. She moved so that she was on the other side of him, and he gave her a wary look.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"So suspicious," she teased. "God, relax once in a while, huh?"

"I don't like the way you're looking at me," he pointed out.

"Like what?"

"Like you're about to do something to me," he answered, turning to face her.

"Why would I do that?" she asked, moving slowly toward him.

"I don't know, but I'm not gonna find out," he said, taking a step away. Norah was fast, though. He made it three steps before she launched herself onto him, knocking him down. It didn't help Rupert had knocked his legs out from under him too. Norah laughed as she held onto him, and they rolled down the hill together. They landed in a heap at the bottom, Rupert barking and dancing around them.

"Oh my God," Lee groaned underneath her. "What the hell was that?!"

"Fun," Norah answered, propping herself up a little. She was breathless and laughing still. She untangled her legs from his as he pushed himself up onto his elbows to look at her. She was half on him still, and she wondered what he was thinking since it seemed something had flickered in his eyes as he looked at her.

"Rolling on the ground is not fun for me," he said after a moment.

"Then what is fun for you?" she asked.

"I don't do fun," he retorted.

"So you're just a cranky guy who does nothing but work? That seems like a sad life," she said. He was looking at her, and she wondered if she had officially pissed him off.

"The last time I had fun, someone died," he told her carefully. She was taken aback, not expecting that answer. She moved off of him as he worked to get up. He said nothing else as he headed back up the hill. Norah sat on the grass, watching him go.

Rose

She'd made up her mind. She needed to see Norah. She made arrangements with her father to look after Oscar. She explained she was fulfilling Norah's wish of her coming to visit, which caused Oscar to whine a bit and say he wanted to come too. Rose promised he could come next time. Joe gave her a curious look, but she didn't elaborate on why she suddenly needed to see her sister, the person she was supposedly still angry at for burning down an entire house while doing a job. She just needed someone to talk to about this pregnancy who could reassure her everything was gonna be okay. She had been tempted to tell Winston, but she didn't want him to take off before they had a chance to even see if there was a relationship there. She had no idea what her father would say.

"Be good," Rose said to Oscar, giving the top of his head a firm kiss. He hugged her tightly, and she felt tears in her eyes. Damn hormones. She gave her father a hug goodbye after, and then she was out the door. It wouldn't be long and she'd be with her sister.

For some reason, it made her feel hopeful.

In case you're wondering about Caesar, his part of the story gets going in the next chapter ;)