Okay, okay. So, this story's been pretty heavy on the magical adventure side of things – or, you know, as much as you can squeeze in while also trying to get your worldbuilding and comedy gags done – but there's something missing, isn't there? Something that no good magical girl series should be without?

No, not tasteless fanservice. Shame on you.

What this story has really been lacking is heaps and heaps of unspoken sexual tension between its two leads. And, well, I'm sorry for that. You know it, I know it, the Kaleidosticks certainly know it: if you don't have a couple of hormonal teenagers making absolute fools out of themselves for the one they like, can you really call it a magical girl show? I would posit you cannot – and, more importantly, the Kaleidosticks are on-hand to make sure such a grave error doesn't slip by.

Pity their poor victims. Pity them.

But, also, melt into a puddle at the antics of these two adorable dorks. They really are so lovely, and work so well together. Look, I've waffled on long enough, you want to get to the fluff, and also possibly looking for those pesky Cards if we have time between commercials. Without any more ado, then:

THE THRILLING ADVENTURES OF KALEIDO GARNET

Chapter 5 – In which we are professionals doing a professional job

As usual, the Clock Tower was an oasis of calm among the morning rush of central London. It almost felt like stepping back in time, to a bygone era where the bustle of the city hadn't quite made it. Vines trailed up ancient brick, and coiled round rusted handles set into tiny windows. The air was still and sleepy, even this early in the morning, the trees stirred by the faintest of breezes. Even the sound of the traffic outside seemed muted and far away – and in fact it was, a Bounded Field both preventing outsiders from hearing what went on and suspending the place in a cocoon of silence.

In short, the Clock Tower was, by design, the perfect place if you wanted to pretend you were still living in the nineteenth century.

This, thought Ritsuka, explained quite a lot about magi.

There weren't a lot of magi, and not a lot of those were exactly early risers – right now, Ritsuka and Mash could have been the only people in the entire world. They made their way through silent halls to the Chaldea Command Centre, also known as Director Olga Marie Animusphere's office.

The Director was an early riser; or at least, she seemed to take great pride in always being awake and at work before any of her subordinates. As she put it, how could she be expected to lead her team if she wasn't there working right alongside them, putting in every bit of effort they did and more? It was some kind of aristocratic sensibility that Ritsuka didn't really get, but he did appreciate the thought. After all, this was serious work they were doing, and he was keen to make the most of his time!

And to show he really did appreciate it, he and Mash had been arriving ever so slightly earlier every day. The Director seemed to have picked up on it, and there was a silent competition between them. Nothing silly, of course. They didn't want it to get out of hand.

Ritsuka's watch beeped five-thirty just as he knocked on the door.

"Wha! -oh. Come… come in," came a startled yawn that might have been Olga Marie's voice. Ritsuka and Mash opened the door, and filed in to find the Director behind her desk, with the wide-eyed, frazzled look of someone who was definitely not sleeping just a moment ago.

Mash busied herself with making tea for her boss. Ritsuka would have helped, but Mash seemed to enjoy it, so he instead took a seat in front of the Director's desk and sat politely while waiting for her to realise he was there.

She looked very tired. Ritsuka hoped she wasn't working too hard.

After a cup of tea, and some unspecified baked thing – a scone? A welsh cake? A biscuit? The variety of vaguely-beige sweet goods in Britain was baffling to Ritsuka – Olga Marie Animusphere seemed to have vaguely worked out there was something she was meant to be doing.

There was a short pause, as she looked at Ritsuka and Mash with some confusion.

"Good morning, Director," Ritsuka prompted.

"Hm? Oh. Yes. Good morning, Ritsuka," said the Director of the Chaldea Security Organisation, apparently on autopilot. "Quite well, thank you. How are you? Mash, good morning. Just fine. Hm?"

"…yes," Mash said. She raised her voice a little. "Good morning, Director – Mash Kyrielight and Ritsuka Fujimaru, reporting for duty! If you have anything for us to do, we'll get on with that, or we can just continue practicing using the Kaleidosticks if you… oh, she's asleep."

Ritsuka and Mash exchanged a look, over the head of Olga Marie, face-down on her desk and snoring lightly.

"Senpai, I think we'd better try again in a couple of hours."

"Good plan," Ritsuka said. "Cafeteria? My treat."

They got up and crept out of the office.

At eight o' clock, Ritsuka and Mash knocked on the door to Director Olga Marie Animusphere's office once again.

"Come in," came the clear and commanding reply.

They entered, and found the Director behind her desk, looking a lot more awake. Her glare dared them to say anything as they sat down, and neither Ritsuka nor Mash had the heart to tell their boss she still had one lock of white hair stuck to her face.

"Now," she said. "Unfortunately, I don't have a whole lot of news for you. Work on locating the Cards continues, but is… slow going."

"Why's that?" asked Ritsuka. "Didn't we get that ley line map that shows us all the weird stuff going on in London?"

"We did."

"So what's the problem?"

A look of frustration passed Olga Marie's face. "Do you have the slightest idea how much 'weird stuff' there is going on in London? It's the home of the Clock Tower, for goodness' sake! There's so many magi pulling ley lines every which way that it's impossible to get a perfect read on how it's supposed to look, never mind what the Cards have done to it. We found the Archer card because it just so happened to be located in a neutral area that no magi had claimed, so the Mirror World pocket stood out from the background noise. But the rest is hidden in a swirl of activity – there are other pockets, but they could be Bounded Fields, or experiments, or random eddies in the flow of mana, anything." She leaned forward and kneaded her head with her hands. "I suppose we'll just have to check all of them out, but even so there's no guarantee any of them will be the Cards."

"That doesn't sound too bad," said Mash. "How many of these possible locations are there?"

"About four hundred," said Olga Marie flatly. "So far. Confining myself within the greater London area only. At surface level."

"Oh," said Mash. It kind of said it all.

Ritsuka sighed. "Well, I guess we're in for a lot of travelling around London. It's a shame we don't have a better way of locating the Cards, but I'm sure we'll stumble on one eventually. Mash, I'll be counting on you to show me round."

"Eh!? Um, ah, of course, Senpai… only…" Mash fidgeted with the hem of her hoodie. "I've… never really been around London…"

"Weren't you born here? Surely you must have some idea of how to get around?" Ritsuka asked, confused. He wasn't going to pry, but it really was a bit odd that Mash seemed so out of her depth in a city she'd supposedly been living in her whole life.

He looked at the Director for help, and was met with a hard stare and a 'don't ask questions' type of frown. "Um. Well. Okay, I guess. I'm sure it can't be that hard. It's only the largest and busiest city in the UK. We'll be fine, probably!"

"Sorry, Senpai…" Mash looked genuinely upset to not be of use, eyes downcast and expression distraught.

Ritsuka ruffled her hair. "It's not your fault, Mash. If you don't know, then you don't know. Director, I don't suppose you could spare some time?"

"I'm very sorry," Olga Marie said with a wince. "I would love to, but you have no idea how much time being a head of department takes up. Finance, curriculum, human resources, inhuman resources… it's a miracle I can spare enough effort to run Chaldea on the side as it is. Much as I would like to, the Lords would have my head if I went gallivanting off around London and neglected my other duties. I'm afraid you're on your own."

It was fair enough, he supposed. The fresh air would probably have done the Director a lot of good, but if she simply couldn't then there was no helping it. This did leave them kind of stuck, however… Ritsuka was as intrepid as the next teenager who'd moved his whole life to the other side of the world, but it would have been nice to have a guide.

And he really didn't look forward to investigating four hundred locations on foot.

"Ooh! Ooh!" came an entirely unwelcome voice from inside his bag. With a burst of pink light and what sounded suspiciously like a trumpet fanfare, Ruby burst out and spun on her axis with a flourish. Sapphire made a less flashy entrance, but still left Mash's bag to float next to her sister. "Leave it to us! We can totally show you all the best places to be."

Olga Marie regarded the stick cautiously, as one would a horrible spider that may or may not decide to drop onto your head. "You? What would you know about anything?"

"Hey, we were born here too, you know! We're just as much Londoners as you or Mash are. We're locals, practically part of the scenery, streetwise operators. Cut us and we'd bleed Thames water!"

"Also, we downloaded Google Maps," added Sapphire unhelpfully. "In addition, there is the consideration that we are especially sensitive to changes in the dimensional boundaries. If we encounter such an area, we are best suited to homing in on its location. In a search for Mirror World pockets, we can cut the time down drastically."

"Yeah, and that," said Ruby.

The Director narrowed her eyes. "You two are being suspiciously helpful. What happened to 'oh, you didn't ask whether or not we could access the Mirror World'?"

Ruby bobbed up and down in what was probably a shrug. "Eh, Rin's avoiding us, so that gag's run its course. We've got a new scheme going now-" She was cut off by Sapphire, who forcefully rammed into Ruby without warning and knocked her into the far wall.

"Which is to be extremely helpful at all times, having learned the error of our ways. Because we were naughty sticks and deserved our punishment. We are certainly not plotting anything involving our wonderful Masters. By the way, Master Ritsuka, you are looking especially dashing today, don't you think so, Miss Mash?"

From how Mash turned a fetching shade of pink, she seemed to agree. "S-Sapphire!"

Ritsuka inspected his outfit. He hadn't exactly brought a full wardrobe with him, which meant that this outfit was strikingly similar to the one he'd worn three days ago, and three days before that. "Oh, this old thing? It's okay, I suppose. I do need more clothes, to be honest. Now I'm actually earning, I guess I could splurge a little."

"Yes," said Sapphire. "That is precisely what you should do. Also, Mash should be with you while you are trying outfits on."

"Sapphire!"

"She is an excellent judge of fashion. As you see. As a woman, she will be best suited to ascertaining whether or not your outfits are acceptable."

Ritsuka side-eyed Sapphire, now dodging attempts from a frantic Mash to stuff her back inside the bag, but for how expressive a stick without a face could be when it wanted to, Sapphire was very difficult to get a read on. He decided to let it go. Nothing good could come of arguing with the Kaleidosticks, and he didn't think they'd get up to anything too malicious.

Across the room, Ruby seemed to have recovered, and floated unsteadily back to Ritsuka. "Well, anyway, there you have it. Leave these two to us, Director, we'll be sure to show them a good time."

"And locate the Cards, sister."

"Oh, right, that too. Give us a look at that ley line map – we can probably interpret it better than you can anyway, and we'll plot out a route that'll investigate the most likely sites in the shortest time! Go us! We're the best!"

Olga Marie kneaded her temples. "This is a terrible plan. I know it's a terrible plan, I know I'll regret it later, and I know I shouldn't be allowing this, but it looks like we're out of better options. The… the…" She stopped, looking sick. "I don't think I can physically say this."

"Are… are you okay?" said Mash, leaning forward with concern. "You don't have to push yourself…"

"No, I have this." Olga Marie took a deep breath, as if she were about to plunge into icy water. "The… Kaleidosticks can take the lead on this operation." She winced even as she said it.

There wasn't actually a crack of thunder, but it seemed like there should have been. Ruby and Sapphire darted forward and began orbiting the Director's head, cackling with glee.

Ritsuka exchanged a look with Mash. "They… they mean well?" It came out as a question.

"They've got our best interests at heart," agreed Mash, although she didn't look very sure either.

Ritsuka smiled reassuringly, but privately crossed his fingers. After all… Kaleidosticks didn't have hearts.

The Kaleidosticks had, surprisingly, not decided the best place for Ritsuka and Mash to search for Cards was the bottom of the Thames or inside Scotland Yard.

Instead, they'd directed them to go straight back home.

"Look, Master," said Ruby, as they walked through the door into their flat. "The Cards aren't real Heroic Spirits, but they do have a limited sapience of their own. Not much, but enough to be aware of their surroundings."

An image of the Archer Card's sad smile flashed through Ritsuka's mind. "Yeah, okay, I can see that. So what?"

"So, if they detect any overt mystical activity around them, they're going to know the gig is up! They might not be able to move around all that much, but they can certainly get ready and stack the deck in their favour. Sometimes they can even team up! You're going to have to blend in to the surroundings. Be subtle."

Ritsuka was pretty sure the gaudy pink flying stick had a different idea of what subtle meant than he did, but played along and let himself be chivvied into his room. "So… why are we here?" He looked around for support and, to his slight panic, found it totally missing. "And why has Sapphire taken Mash into her room?"

Ruby wagged one wing at him. "Ah ah, no peeking now! You two look okay for day-to-day, but for something like this you will need to put a little effort in. That outfit is fine, but I think we can do better. Strip!"

Ritsuka crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm not comfortable with this."

"Let me put it this way…" Ruby said, trailing ominous pink sparkles. "You can get changed, or I'll change for you."

Ritsuka's shirt hit the floor. "I'll be good."

"Good boy…" purred Ruby. "Now, which of your shirts is the tightest?"

After several highly embarrassing minutes, Ruby pushed Ritsuka out the door of his room into the flat, just as Sapphire did the same with Mash opposite.

Ritsuka's jaw dropped.

It sounded a little harsh to say it, but he'd sort of gotten used to Mash as this quirky but adorable girl that he lived and worked with. He wasn't one to turn into a blushing mess at the thought of girls anyway – he'd never have survived back home if he were – but even beyond that Mash was just… Mash.

A large part of that, he was now realising, was that – like him – she wore largely the same thing day-to-day, and so he'd never given much thought to her appearance. She looked cute, of course, but that was because in his mind Mash = cute. He didn't look at her and go, 'wow, Mash really looks great today'.

Now, Mash stood there blushing in a white and blue gingham dress, with a sunshine yellow cardigan over the top. Ritsuka blinked and looked away, then looked back. No, that really was Mash, for once out of her comfy grey hoodie. And, he realised as his eyes drifted downwards before he could stop them, out of her tights as well.

Wow, Mash really looks great today, thought Rituska. And then, Oh shit.

Apparently, she was thinking something similar. Her eyes roamed up and down his figure, and her face got redder and redder.

Ritsuka thought he'd better say something before one of them exploded. He could do this. Talk about how much cooler she must feel without tights on! No, wait, was that weird? Dammit, he'd better think of something, because his mouth was opening, and like it or not something was coming out…

"Ah-haha, nice weather today. Nice and warm."

Dammit!

Mash met his helplessly embarrassed gaze with one of her own. No more words presented themselves, which was probably for the best.

"Perfect!" said Ruby. "Sapphire, we totally smashed this. These two are going to be adorable together. This date will go wonderfully."

"This what?"

"This hunt for the Card," put in Sapphire. "That is what Ruby said. Because we are professionals doing a professional job."

"Yeah, that."

The two sticks hovered innocently.

Ritsuka decided not to ask. In their own way, the Kaleidosticks seemed to be in a helpful mood. "Alright," he said. "Where to first?"

In response, Ruby emitted a startling whirring noise, then printed out a sheet of paper from… somewhere. Ritsuka didn't really want to know, but couldn't stop himself from peeking at the title. He got as far as '20 Great Date Ideas to Really Get Your Partner-' before Ruby held flicked it over to read and hid it from his view.

"Let's see… too boring, too expensive, for over-18's only… ah! Okay, first stop: Gough Square, for a Love Poetry Walk!"

Mash twiddled her fingers together, nervously. "Um, Ruby, I don't really see what that has to do with Card hunting…"

"It is simple, Miss Mash," said Sapphire. "Many great poets and artists ascended to the Throne of Heroes, and are prime candidates for being made into Cards. This tour is a perfect way to hit all points resonant to those Heroic Spirits in an efficient manner. Please, do not read any more into it."

"I don't know if I believe you…"

A couple of hours later, Mash and Ritsuka waved off the tour guide, having been walked round a route highlighting the poetic history of London, complete with readings of classic poetry.

"Well, that was a bust," Ritsuka said.

Mash nodded, but she didn't seem displeased. "Yes, but it was still very interesting! I'd read a lot of those poems before, but seeing the places they were talking about and learning the context made me really see them in a new light."

"I suppose." Ritsuka hadn't seen Mash this enthusiastic before, but it was another new side to his roommate he didn't regret seeing. "I didn't know you were into poetry. I'm not surprised, somehow – it suits you, Mash."

Mash blushed. "Oh, well, you know… I spent a lot of time with not much to do, so I read a lot of books when I was younger."

Now that they were finished with the tour, they wandered over to an alley, and opened their bags. Ruby and Sapphire came out, seeming quite excited.

"Well?" demanded Ruby.

"What do you mean, 'well'? You were the ones keeping an eye out for the Mirror world, weren't you?"

"Oh yeah, no, nothing. But forget that, what did you guys think? Any developments we should know about?"

Ritsuka and Mash looked at each other, totally lost.

Ruby put a wing to what counted as her face. "Ugh, you're hopeless. Oh well – Sapphire, what's next?"

Sapphire floated up, that piece of paper Ruby had printed out held in her butterfly wings. "Next is a walk around one of London's most famous and beautiful landmarks, St Paul's Cathedral. Stop by The Crypt for an atmospheric lunch, or stop by Artigiano's Espresso and Wine Bar for an authentic pick me up."

Uh-huh. Ritsuka could see where this was going, and narrowed his eyes. "Let me guess – this could be where any number of Saints or other holy Heroic Spirits could have chosen to hide themselves, and definitely isn't a prime date location?"

"Or any of the figures buried here," said Sapphire, not even sounding embarrassed. "The building has a long history, and is connected to a lot of figures who may have ascended to the Throne of Heroes."

… the annoying part was, she wasn't actually wrong. "Alright," Ritsuka said. "Come on, Mash. At least I know you're paying attention to the job we're meant to be doing."

"Yes, senpai!"

"Oh, you're both hopeless," muttered Ruby.

Lunch at St Paul's was delicious, if terribly overpriced even for London. Ritsuka had had a lovely day out so far, but so far hadn't gotten any closer to doing his actual job – there hadn't been any Class Cards around the cathedral.

"How was that, Mash?" he asked.

He'd managed to catch Mash with a mouthful of scone, and politely waited while she finished. "That was interesting as well, senpai. I often used to look out at all the buildings I could see, and wonder what was inside them. I'm glad I finally got to find out, for at least one."

"Were you not allowed outside or something?" Ritsuka was realising he didn't know all that much about Mash. Maybe it was the different setting, maybe it was the clothes, maybe he just thought it had gone on long enough, but while he didn't want to pry, he found himself wondering just how a sweet girl like Mash had gotten involved with something like the Clock Tower. "I'm sorry, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"No, it's fine, senpai. I was… um, well, I wasn't expected to live very long when I was younger, so I had a lot of doctors keeping an eye on me. They didn't want me to go outside and get sick, so I could only explore the world outside my window, and through books. But, just before you arrived, I was finally allowed outside! The Director thought I should be given the same opportunities as anyone else. I owe a lot to her and her family, so helping with the Chaldea project was the least I could do."

That explained a lot… while being very vague on the details. It was still better than Ritsuka had had before, and he took the information as the sign of trust that it was. "Thank you for telling me," he said seriously. "I hope you already know this, but I'm glad to have met you, Mash. Anything you need to tell me, I'll be here to listen – and anything you don't, I won't go digging."

Mash smiled, and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Thank you, senpai. I promise, I'm just a normal girl. I'm not trying to keep secrets from you. And… I'm glad I met you too."

Ritsuka smiled back, and tried to ignore the frantic 'squeeee' noise coming from his bag. He leaned down. "Shush, Ruby. People are going to notice."

"But… so cute… must… get pictures…"

"Later. Where's next?"

There was a rustling noise from the bag. "Um… let's see… ah! That's right, we booked you two a trip to the theatre! Super romantic, and not easy to get on short notice, let me tell you…"

Okay, now the sticks weren't even trying to be subtle. How was a trip to the theatre meant to help find the Class Cards? At least for these other destinations they'd been moving around, or hitting major landmarks that might conceivably attract a Heroic Spirit. This? He didn't think even the sticks could justify it.

"Sapphire? Explain why we should go along with this?" he asked, just in case.

"I apologise, Master Ritsuka. This was all Ruby's idea, and I take no responsibility for it. I think you should punish her, she's been slacking off all day."

While Ruby squawked in outrage about the totally expected backstabbing from her sister, Ritsuka mulled it over. The fact was, they had actually been working hard all day – or covering a lot of ground, which was basically the same thing. The Kaleidosticks were a couple of little shits, but he didn't think even they would outright ignore a Mirror World pocket if they really did encounter one.

…well, not again at any rate. They had more imagination than that.

And, well, maybe he was just in a good mood, but Ritsuka thought he deserved a pleasant night off. The theatre, huh…

"Sure," he said. "Sounds fun. Mash?"

"Looking forward to it, senpai!"

London's West End was, as usual, a hive of activity. This was the real tourist trap, where the billboards of Leicester Square gave way to the grand old buildings of Pall Mall, each flying the posters for the plays and musicals they were showing. Ticket scalpers hawked their wares on the corner, the air was filled with the smell of roasting peanuts, and theatre-goers milled every which way in the evening light.

"Which is the venue we're after again?" Ritsuka asked.

"Her Majesty's Theatre," Mash said, looking at her phone. "This way!"

They made their way through the crowd, cast their eyes about for the musical they were here to see. As the streets got wider, the people filled it all the more, and Ritsuka and Mash were forced closer and closer together. Ritsuka found he didn't mind. He stole a glance down at Mash, who seemed to have decided to hold onto his arm to stop herself being swept away. Her face was wide-yed with excitement, looking around the hustle and bustle in wonder. Ritsuka smiled, and led on…

… when he felt his bag buzz.

"Are you kidding me?" screeched Ruby. "Really? Now? We'd just got the mood going! Goddammit, of all the times for a Class Card to show up…"

Ritsuka stared flatly at his bag. "Really?" he said.

"Yes, really! Urgh, this is so annoying. It's definitely a Class Card, no doubt about it. I suppose we'd better suit up, or call it in, or something. Gah!"

Mash detached herself from his arm, and rummaged in her own bag for Sapphire.

Ritsuka looked around for a suitable spot to get Ruby out, and call the Director. This was it – Card number two, successfully found! Soon, he would find out just how well all his training and practice had served him.

But all the same, even if he wouldn't admit it, he couldn't help feeling just a little disappointed.