Chapter 5: Boys and Girls
Joel wasn't one to waste much energy on yearning for things long gone... at least, not anymore. But damn did he wish he could get Ellie some ginger ale or Pepto or something for her stomach. Something besides the weird-ass shit they brewed here that passed for tea (they called it ginger, but it contained more cannabis than anything else). She said she was feeling much better that night, but since she wasn't really acting like it - and certainly didn't look like it - Joel wondered if she was just trying to be tough. Like she reckoned she'd caused him enough trouble for the day and was trying to be less of a burden, or something along those lines. He assumed it was motion sickness... although she hadn't suffered from that when they'd gone out on the big boat previously. Maybe the smaller boats affected her differently. And it CAN last for hours after being back on land... I think?
There was nothing else it could be.
...NOTHING else. She ain't... -it's not THAT. We're too careful for it to be... that.
Except maybe that one time...
-No. We cut it close but it was FINE. You can't be worrying about this shit every time she feels even the slightest bit under the weather, asshole. Or when she was late. Which she was, once in a while... she was young, her body was still regulating itself... etcetera, etcetera. And she wasn't late this time - not yet, at least.
Something else he sure missed the hell out of right now, that kind of went along with the first thing - drugstores. A quick trip to Walgreens would resolve this one way or the other. ...Even though he already knew the answer. She CAN'T be... it would just put my mind at ease, is all. "Here you go, Ellie - pee on this and don't ask me why." Or maybe she would already know why, thanks to Maria? They didn't have home pregnancy tests in Jackson, though, so maybe not.
He'd tried to talk to her, after they got back from their little sailing adventure. Several times. Made it clear he only wanted to talk - no lectures, no scolding. She put him off with a "later" before dinner (where she only picked at her food, which wasn't like her at all), and again after dinner, and now...
She'd never left mid-campfire before (even when there was no music, which wasn't the case tonight). She told him she just needed to lie down for a bit - even though she was practically lying down already, and he could have adjusted the blankets and such so that she could lie down all the way. It was obvious to him that she just didn't want to be there. The unwarranted dirty looks he'd caught her giving people when they weren't looking... the way she had just stared dully into the fire, not even attempting to sing along to anything... even when he requested "Island In The Sun," a recent favorite of hers. And she always enjoyed the last selection of the night - a Garth Brooks song (she knew his entire catalog by now) - she'd be missing out tonight.
Joel started to get up to leave with her, but she insisted that he stay - so vehemently that he wondered if she was trying to get away from him, for whatever reason. So, he let her go.
That lasted all of... oh, maybe one whole minute. It wasn't that he was worried about her leaving his sight: he was worried about her. Her mental state. He excused himself with a hasty good night to everyone, then hustled to catch up to her. The last remnants of sunlight had already faded from the sky, so he couldn't see her (the solar lights along the path were nice, but hardly the equivalent of street lamps... especially when she wasn't walking on the path). He didn't think she would've made it all the way to their room yet...
"You really didn't have to follow me, Joel," she called back to him.
He still couldn't see her, but now at least he could follow her voice. "I know. I just..."
"Wanted to make sure I'm okay," she finished for him. "I am. I just meant like... this isn't one of those times when I leave and tell you not to follow me but secretly expect that you'll follow me."
Yeah... "You know I get around that one now by just always followin' you, no matter what," he chuckled. He noted that her voice was getting closer; she must be waiting for him to catch up to her. "If you really wanna be alone, I'll leave you alone."
"I don't. I... want to be with you, actually."
That surprised him. "You do? Didn't you jus' say you didn't want me to follow you?"
"No, see, I didn't actually say that, either. I wanted you to keep enjoying the fire and stuff, and then come be with me after. I thought maybe by then-" She stopped herself from completing that thought.
There she is... He put his arm around her - around the thick blanket that was wrapped around her, rather. "By then, what?" he prompted, thinking maybe his sudden appearance at her side had distracted her.
"Nothing. -Hey, I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the ass today. Really."
"Just today?" he teased.
"Fine - I'm sorry for every single fucking day of my... pain-in-the-ass-ness."
"Apology accepted. I'll even forgive you."
"Awesome," she drawled.
They walked in silence until they reached their room. When the moon was full, the skylight over their bathroom sink/vanity area provided enough light to make their way around pretty well (and there was also a skylight in the shower/toilet area, or the 'real' bathroom), since the suite was basically one big room with a bedroom and bathroom branching off of it. Tonight, however, there was a new moon, or close enough to it, so they had barely any light filtering in. Joel switched on his flashlight and laid it on his nightstand while they got settled in for the night; they had found that with the beam angled out the door across to the bathroom, there was enough light to get by (provided they kept the bathroom door open, of course), and then he could conveniently switch it off after they'd climbed into bed.
It was a little early to be going to sleep - they were just basically hanging out in the bed together because there was nothing else to do inside a pitch-black room. Ellie used to like to read before bed sometimes, but she'd already read everything of interest to her in the whole resort. The book she had now was a re-read, and as such, Joel had noticed that she had very little motivation to read it; most of the time, it lay untouched on her nightstand. They were turning in even earlier than usual tonight, since they had skipped out on campfire time. Joel figured she'd be in no mood for fooling around if she wasn't feeling well, and he was fine with that, since the day had exhausted him more than most of late. He held her close, her head on his chest... and somehow, it felt normal and not-normal at the same time.
She sighed. "I guess we're s'posed to talk now, huh."
"It can wait 'til tomorrow." He began stroking her hair gently.
"Okay." She sighed again. "Except what if I don't want to wait 'til tomorrow?"
Joel chuckled. "Then... let's talk. The tomorrow thing was for your benefit."
"Mm, yeah, I think it's better to talk now while you're tired and don't have the energy to yell at me or lecture me."
"Wasn't plannin' on doin' either of those."
"Plus it's convenient that we're already in bed," she continued. "So if you do start getting mad... I can calm you down."
"Uh... I don't think 'calm' is the word for what you would do, in that case..."
"Neither is 'down,' really," she snickered.
"Ha. Except when he don't wanna cooperate."
"Yeah, well... he might be more willing to cooperate if you'd let-"
"No." He knew where that was going.
"I still don't see-"
"No," he repeated, kissing the top of her head. "Maybe when you're older."
"Older like... sixteen?"
"No. Maybe... twenty-five."
"Twenty-five?!"
"All right, then - thirty."
"Joel-"
"Thirty-five, final offer."
She swatted his chest. "You think you're so funny. You're so... not funny."
"I'm a real barrel of laughs." When she's thirty-five, I'll be seventy. ...That is just WRONG. Not that he really believed they'd still be together in twenty years. It was a nice fantasy, but the odds of that were... shitty at best. It was one of those things it was just best not to think about too hard.
"If I was a boy, would you let me?" she asked cheekily.
Joel was not unaccustomed to such musings from Ellie, yet she still managed to take him by surprise at times. "Hell no."
"Ohhh! I only get a 'no' as a girl, but it's 'hell no' for a boy... that's backwards from what- ...From what I thought."
"You think I'd have any interest in layin' here naked in bed with you if you were a boy?" he reasoned.
"Umm... I guess not. That sucks, though! I'd still be me. Just a boy version."
Ellie was tomboyish in some ways... he reckoned she'd make a decent boy... but she's very much a girl in OTHER ways. Ways that his body responded to. "Mm. You should've been a boy. That would've made things a whole lot easier."
"Fuck you! What things?"
"Everythin'. All of this. I could've just been your dad and you'd be my son an' that would be that."
"What, you mean like... you wouldn't have fallen in love with me? Just cuz I had a dick?"
"Exactly."
She snorted. "That's a pretty shallow reason not to love someone."
Ha! Joel wouldn't categorize it that way, and he was sure a lot of people would agree with him... but it was pure Ellie logic. Even if she was mostly teasing. "So if I was a woman, you'd feel the exact same way about me as you do now, huh?"
"Yes! Because you're you."
Joel was sure he heard a "duh" in there. "Good to know you don't just want me for my body."
"Yeah - so I guess that means you just want me for mine?" she teased.
"Yep. Pretty much."
She giggled. "You're such a fucking liar. You would've fucked me a year ago if that was the case."
"A year ago? A year ago, we were... on our way to Salt Lake City. We didn't even think about each other... like that."
"Speak for yourself."
Joel knew Ellie liked to say she "knew it all along," that she had romantic feelings for him way before he did for her and just didn't recognize them... he thought that was just the narrative she liked to tell herself, but it could possibly be true. "All right then - you're right. It ain't like it's just a... physical thing. But if you weren't... uh... packaged up the way you are..."
"Meaning, if I had a package," she smirked.
"Yes." He rubbed her head playfully before resuming the stroking she liked. She certainly seems to be in better spirits now! "Sorry to tell you this but no, I would not be attracted to you. Romantically-speakin'. I imagine we'd still be close in every other way."
"Right... you are a bit of a homophobe. But let's say-"
"Hang on. I'm a homophobe now? 'Cause I personally ain't attracted to men? I've got nothin' against gay people."
"Haha! Except this shirt I'm wearing - remember, it was yours, only you wouldn't wear it cuz it was too tight?"
"...So now I'm a homophobe 'cause I like to wear clothes that actually fit me?"
"No, but you said it made you look gay. Like that's a bad thing."
Joel was pretty sure she was just teasing him, but... "And remember what I told you after that? It was more like... not wantin' to do false advertisin'."
"Whatever. I'm glad you're not gay, anyway. Unless you were gay and still liked girls, too."
"...Bi, then, not gay. Bisexual."
"Yeah. I think that-" She cut that thought off. "Do we know anyone who is? Can you think of anyone?"
"What were you gonna say first?"
"Nothing. I rephrased. So can you?"
"Not off the top of my head, no." Joel doubted he could come up with anyone in Jackson who fit the bill even if he rooted around through the rest of his head, either; he generally didn't discuss people's sexuality with them.
"But it's a real thing, right? Liking both?"
"Sure. Why?"
"Just wondering. I thought maybe it's more like... you like one for a while, then maybe you switch to the other."
"What, you're straight an' then turn gay?"
"Or the other way around. Yeah."
"I doubt it. I really don' know for sure, though, kiddo... I think for some people it's more complicated, or... nuanced, than that... not so black'n'white. People just... like who they like. All I know is, I myself have never wanted a dude."
"Lucky for me, I guess." She squiggled up and kissed his cheek before settling back into the crook of his arm. "I think someone here might like both. But if you can't think of anyone..."
"Well, maybe you know somethin' I don't." She's more into gossip than I am, that's for sure...
"Pretty sure I do," she mumbled... so quietly that he thought maybe she hadn't meant for him to hear it. "It kind of sucks that you wish I was a boy, though. Like you'd rather not have me as a girlfriend."
Again, he was pretty sure she was teasing, but he thought he detected some peevishness there, too. "I never said that."
"You said I should've been a boy."
"I... s'pose I did. But you know what I mean. About it bein' easier."
"Cuz we're so ~complicated~," she sighed.
"Yes." I sure would miss holding her like this, though... at her age, it was definitely inappropriate to snuggle in bed with Daddy, and if she were a boy... would she even want to snuggle past age... ten? Eleven? But he'd never had a son, and his own parents hadn't been snugglers, so what did he know?
Funny how he could think about platonic snuggling in bed as inappropriate... yet have no qualms about engaging in a sexual relationship with a fifteen-year-old. Like not being biologically related to her was the only factor that mattered anymore...
"Since I'm not a boy, then... you should wish you were gay, instead," Ellie suggested. "That would make it easier, too."
"Mm. Or you could be. Or both of us. Same difference."
She buzzed right over that like she already knew what she wanted to say next. "Pretend you like dudes. Would you like kissing them?"
"...Come again?"
"If you liked guys, would you kiss them. Yes or no."
"Uh... " Where is she getting this shit? "If I was into 'em, then yeah, I reckon I would - but maybe only if they're nice'n'smooth. Like you."
"That's cheating!" she cried.
"Forgive me if I ain't into whiskers like you are. Why do you want me to kiss a dude now?"
"I don't want you to," she giggled. "I just wondered if like... it's different. If it's two guys. I don't really see Nate and Daniel kiss back home..."
"Maybe not so much in public." They were the only openly gay men in Jackson, and he'd gleaned from various interactions with them and other citizens that not everyone approved. Like it was any of their goddamn business. "People who are attracted to each other do tend to like kissin' each other. Regardless of gender. But I reckon there are also plenty who don't much care for it."
"Really?"
"Sure."
"Like... it doesn't mean they don't really love the other person or something?"
Joel wondered if she was trying to tell him something... except I don't think I've kissed her less than usual lately... have I? But he decided to take the question at face value. "It could just be... a preference thing. Remember I told you how not everyone likes sex?"
"...Yeah... but that was back when you were trying to make me less interested in sex."
"So you think I made it up?" he chuckled.
"Wellllllllll... maybe a little?"
"I think I was tryin' to tell you... it's all right if you don't like it." And to temper her expectations, which had been right up there with the moon.
"That would make things better for you, too, huh."
"Easier. Not better."
"Uh-huh. Cuz I wouldn't be bugging you for sex all the time."
"You don't bug me for sex all the time." This conversation was starting to make Joel weary; he loved Ellie with all his heart, but deciphering the emotions laced in her words could be a real chore sometimes.
"It's never you bugging me," she added.
He sighed. "We've talked about this. At my age-"
"It's not just your age, Joel. You still think there's something wrong with us having sex."
"I told you, I don't care about that anymore."
"But you still think it sometimes. I know you do. It still affects you."
He... probably couldn't argue with that. It's a hell of a lot easier to justify it if I'm simply keeping her happy and satisfied, versus it being my idea... MY satisfaction... On one level, that made sense, but on another... it basically amounted to not acknowledging her as an equal partner in the relationship. Not on the give and take scale, at least. But we do have sex now... ain't that enough for her?
Joel did truly feel like his age played a part in it. Him not pestering Ellie for sex was also about him not wanting the sex. Not as often as she did, anyway. He was extremely grateful that she understood and accepted this - and it was definitely one instance he was glad there were so many years between them, because even in his youth, he didn't think his libido could match Ellie's, and how understanding would she be then? Granted, he had spent a fair portion of his young adulthood in various stages of exhaustion. Stretched thin, stressed out. Maybe if that hadn't been the case, things would've been different. His wife, while not one to 'bug' him for sex often, didn't seem to understand... hadn't done the same amount of growing up that Joel had done in that first year together... and they'd fought a lot. More than he and Ellie did. But they'd both been young and stupid, prone to make mistakes that the young and stupid make.
Anyway, Joel was just glad that Ellie believed his reluctance to initiate things was either due to his age or what remained of his morals, rather than him not finding her attractive or desirable; the latter couldn't be further from the truth. And he'd had more sex in the past four months than the entire rest of his life - including when he was married (and the marriage certainly hadn't reached the stage where not having sex might be considered the norm).
"I thought you wanted to talk about today," he reminded her now.
"Way to change the subject," she scoffed. "But I am talking about today. Sort of. In a roundabout way."
"All right. Enlighten me. How is all this related to today?"
She fell silent... for a long enough chunk of time that Joel reckoned maybe he should help her out. "You told me you were out there by accident, but I still don't see how a person steps onto a boat by accident," he said. "You wanna start by explainin' that one?"
"The actual stepping part wasn't accidental," she admitted (and he heard an eyeroll in there). "What I meant was... I didn't plan it. I planned to talk to Parker. That's it."
"So he dragged you out there against your will," Joel replied dryly.
"Of course not. I went to see him and he was about to go fishing so I tagged along."
"You tagged along. 'Cause you were so desperate to talk to him that it couldn't wait 'til he got back?"
"Well... yeah, it could've, but it was perfect timing with you being gone and all."
Joel didn't see why his absence should matter: didn't he keep his distance whenever she talked to Parker on the beach? Whatever- "Only, not so perfect with him bein' gone, too."
"He said he'd bring me back in like an hour. It didn't seem like a big deal. How was I supposed to know we were gonna run out of gas?"
Joel groaned inwardly. The gas thing wasn't Ellie's fault. From chatting with Parker on the way in, he'd gotten the impression that the kid had known that the gas gauge wasn't reliable, and that there was no emergency fuel readily available. But Joel still felt that the last adult who had taken that boat out was the most responsible; neither Keith nor Parker could name the culprit with certainty (and Joel didn't get the sense that they were lying). And why hadn't the extra fuel tank gotten refilled and replaced? Someone should be in charge of checking on shit like that, maybe even with fueling the boats daily. But I ain't king here, am I. "No big deal," Joel parroted now. "As long as I never found out? Is that it?"
"No! I mean... yeah? I guess? Cuz you'd only freak out, and there was no reason-"
"Why would I freak out, hm? What reasons would I have to be upset." He knew she could name them.
"Because you don't like me going Outside without you. But it was barely-"
"That's one. There's one other big one."
"...Cuz... the water?"
"Because of the water," he agreed. "You ain't a good enough swimmer to-"
"I didn't go swimming!"
"-be able to risk things goin' wrong out there when-"
"And I wasn't alone! Parker is a good swimmer - he'd make up for me not being one. If he had to. Anyways, I thought you said you weren't gonna lecture me."
Joel gave her a squeeze. "Couldn't help it, I guess. I'll stop. I think you get the gist. But next time-"
"There won't be a next time, I swear!"
"...You don't even know what I was gonna say."
"I still swear. Whatever it is."
Joel chuckled. "So you never wanna talk to Parker again?"
"What?"
"I was gonna say... next time you wanna see him, if you don't want the old man around, just-"
"It's not like that!"
"No? You said it was a good time to see him, since I was gone."
"Well- ugh. I didn't mean it like that, okay? He, um... he sort of... ..."
Joel waited patiently for her to find the words.
"Just... trust me when I say it wasn't like that," is what she settled on. "And Parker likes you."
"Never said he didn't."
"Okay, yeah. But... I don't need to see him again. Like that. Alone, I mean. That's over. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you ahead of time that I was going to go see him."
Joel wondered what she meant by "that's over," as it seemed an odd choice of words, but he let it go. Maybe she's still pissed at him about the shark thing? "It's all right. You don't gotta run everythin' by me." Their don't-spend-time-alone-with-the-opposite-sex rule was relaxed in this case, since Parker was the only kid anywhere near Ellie's age. Besides, the main purpose of the rule had been to keep Ellie away from Max, back in Jackson - and Ellie had finally stopped giving Joel shit about allegedly breaking it with Sophie a million times (give or take).
"Well, I know how you feel about teenage boys."
Namely, that they had one-track minds and couldn't be trusted. And with Parker and Ellie being the only teenage boy and girl here, it would be natural for them to have some level of interest in one another... but Ellie had never given Joel reason to suspect she had eyes for anyone else. And from what he'd seen of Parker, Joel didn't get the feeling he was trying to get in her pants - plus, his gut didn't dislike the kid. Gut endorsement counted for a lot, in Joel's book. "I ain't worried about Parker. Besides, you've told me you're pretty sure he's gay."
...No reply to that.
Joel waited a few extra moments... still nothing. "So-"
"He is," she finally said. "Now I know he is."
"Oh." Good! Less competition. Joel knew he shouldn't feel that way. He goddamn knew he shouldn't feel that way! Yet there it was. Instead of wishing for Ellie to have a normal life with someone her own age - someone who was a better match for her, physically... someone whose opinions... views... outlook on life - all that shit - aligned more with hers... someone she could have kids with and grow old with... nope! To hell with all that - he just wanted her for himself. Selfish bastard. "Guess you had a long time out there to shoot the shit, yeah?"
"Yeah. A long time. Too long. You have no idea how happy I was to see you."
She hadn't looked happy. At all. Either from feeling sick or from the dread of facing him after what she'd done. ...Maybe both? "One thing you did real good on, kiddo - tellin' Janelle where you were goin' an' how long you'd be gone. She told me she wasn't even in the office when you left, an' I know Ray wasn't around, so it woulda been real easy to leave without botherin' to say a word to anyone. If you had done that-"
"I might still be sitting out there in the boat, sick and miserable and freezing my ass off. Yeah."
"She also told me Parker has a habit of doin' that. If you hadn't gone with him..."
"That's right! He wasn't going to go find her! I told him that's really stupid and he didn't argue with me or anything, but yeah, if he'd gone out by himself like he was going to... he might still be out there. He spends enough time by himself that no one might even miss him, you know? Like they wouldn't think it was weird if he wasn't around."
As far as Joel knew, the kid not having parents wasn't the fault of anyone here... but it would be nice if someone would take some kind of responsibility for him. He suspected Ellie was right: Parker's absence wouldn't set off any alarm bells. Maybe I should step up, on that count... except... well, Ellie and I won't be in Monterey forever. And hopefully he's learned his lesson. "That's good - you tellin' him it's stupid. Sometimes adults can try an' pound somethin' into a kid's head, an' he blows it off, thinkin' grown-ups don' know nothin' about nothin'. But - hearin' it from a peer, now, that's different. That's someone respectable."
Ellie chuckled. "That's so backwards."
"Just how it is sometimes."
"Joel, I don't think that. You know that, right? I might get pissy about things sometimes, but I do listen to you... and I totally respect you and everything."
Aww. "I know, baby girl. Thank you for that."
"I wonder... if I hadn't told Jan I wanted to come back early, and just let her assume I'd be out with Parker all day, how long would you have waited before going out to look for me? Or... would you not go and look for me?"
How cute. "That's right - I would never go lookin' for you. I'd just think, damn, Ellie's been gone for weeks now - oh well, hope she's okay-"
"Stoooooop," she whined, pounding his chest lightly with the underside of her fist. "You dick. I mean like... would you have waited 'til dark?"
"That... is a good question. I don' know." I may as well give it to her straight- "I did think about it. Even knowin' what you said to Jan. Thought maybe you'd decided to stay out there longer... show the old man that-"
"No no no - no way! I said-"
"You can change your mind, can'tcha? And I smother you enough as it is."
"No you don't!"
"I do. It ain't right."
"Joel - listen - that was actually what upset me most about the whole thing: the thought that you might think I did it on purpose. Like I wanted to ditch you or something. I fucking hated that. Being sick sucked... but not as bad as that. And I really wasn't worried that we'd be stuck out there forever, cuz I knew you would find me. Like you always do."
Damn straight. But... "Might come a time when I can't. Don't count on-"
"I knoooow - believe me, I wasn't thinking... hey, let's see what kind of trouble we can get into, cuz Joel always saves the day!"
"Good. There's a line between... lookin' out for you, or bailin' you out of trouble, and... ...You know I don't want to be chasin' after you for no good reason."
"You did have a good reason! I was already out there for hours - hours longer than I wanted to be!"
"Be that as it may, I had no way of knowin' if it was intentional or not." Another thing he missed, at least for today: cell phones. "Anyhow, I like to think that yes I would've waited to see if you came home by dark. But... I might not've had the patience for that."
"But you wouldn't have waited 'til morning."
"Hell no." Joel snorted. "You think I would've been able to sleep a wink without you here next to me? Not knowin' where you were?"
"Guess not. I'm glad you came when you did. You know what Parker was gonna do? Swim back."
"Swim all those miles?" Joel hadn't kept an eye on the mileage, but he estimated they had to be at least five or ten miles out. "You sure he wasn't just pullin' your leg?"
"He was serious. He was gonna swim back, get the rowboat, and come back to get me."
"How gallant of him. Glad it didn't come to that."
"He was all ready to do it before you showed up! I begged him not to. I didn't want to be all alone out there! Plus we were sooooo far out. Do you think he would've drowned?"
Joel pondered that a moment. "Possibly. You couldn't even see land, where you were at. You've seen how the ocean carries you where it will, without you even realizin' it... he might've gotten disoriented an' lost." And poor Ellie would've been sick with worry, all alone...
"Oh man... you mean like he'd just keep swimming and swimming in the wrong direction and end up swimming forever in the middle of the ocean? ...That is freaky."
"Not forever. Eventually he'd get dehydrated an' his muscles would give out." Regardless of his swimming proficiency, Joel figured the kid was too lanky to be anywhere near professional caliber... and when would he have had any practice with endurance swimming? "If he rested at times an' just floated, maybe he'd last longer... but he'd still either dehydrate or freeze to death, if we couldn't find him. Or a shark would get him," he added for good measure.
"Enough with the sharks!"
"It ain't like we know exactly where they are," he pointed out.
"But we also don't know that they even exist at all!" she countered. "No one here has ever seen one!"
True enough... although Joel couldn't think of any reason that every single species - the entire shark population of the Pacific Ocean - might have been wiped out in the past couple of decades. Especially with less human interference than before.
"Maybe he would hear our gunshots and swim toward that?" Ellie speculated. "He could yell and stuff..."
"Maybe. But it sounds to me like you saved his ass a couple times today."
Ellie seemed pleased with that assessment. "I guess I did, huh."
"Except you both ended up dehydrated. Might be why you still don't feel good."
"I'm fine now! Really. And I drank all your water on the way in, remember?"
"Still might not've been enough." She had told him she stopped drinking once she'd realized they were stranded because she "didn't want to have to pee when I couldn't pee." Rationing supplies because you're uncertain how long you need to make them last is one thing, but that... Joel hoped that next time, she'd just wet herself instead (and he'd told her as much). Naturally, Parker didn't have that problem, as she begrudgingly pointed out (...even Ellie wishes she was a boy from time to time - her reasons just differ from mine!). Anyway, he was glad she hadn't tried to pee over the side, which may have led to her falling in – and he was glad she hadn't gone in on purpose just to pee. Parker could have helped her back into the boat, but with her wet clothes plastered to her... she probably would've been completely blue when he found her, as opposed to just partially green. At least she wasn't bright red- "I can't believe you didn't get more sunburned, though," he mused out loud now. A decent portion of her body had been covered up, but not her face, neck, hands, and legs.
"Cuz I had nothing better to do than keep rubbing that shit in," she reminded him; they'd talked about it on the boat. "Didn't want a burn on top of my burn." Her fair skin was never entirely not-red.
"Mm. That's one thing Parker did right. Bringin' extra."
"Yeah, I used up practically his whole bottle. But he says he'll get more... soon."
"He can't. We got the last one, remember? He was prob'ly jus' sayin' that 'cause you felt bad about it. Maybe we should give him some of ours."
"Uh... right. Except... I think he can get some anyways."
"He can? How?"
"Er... someone will share with him, I think? -Yeah. Yeah, of course. That's... yeah. But you're right - I should give him some to make up for what I used."
She sounds unusually sheepish for such a trivial thing. "Don't worry about it then." As far as Joel was concerned, Ellie needed it more than anyone else in the place, and if the kid could get some from somewhere else, that was fine with him. Shit... how spoiled ARE we? This was a luxury item anyway, not air and water. "I'm sure he'll survive."
"Yeah, he'll be fine. Of course he will. He'll get more, and it doesn't matter where it comes from... he'll just have it. It's fine. Totally fine."
...Why is Ellie so uncomfortable with this? "I'm sure he won't give two shits about it, kiddo. Relax."
"I am relaxed!"
"You're... bein' a little weird."
"No I'm not! I just feel like... today's been a weird day, okay? Prob'ly the weirdest one I've had since we got here."
Joel gave her a squeeze. "It was weird for me, too."
"It was?"
" 'Course it was. First time we've been apart that long since... since that-"
"Since Jackson," Ellie cut in; they both knew that was a lie, but she clearly didn't want him to speak the truth.
Which was just fine with him. "Yes. And you just had to go an' make it... interestin'."
She giggled softly. "Wouldn't want your life to get boring."
"I like boring. Boring is good." So good, in fact, that Joel would rank this past winter up there with some of the happiest times of his life. Definitely the most peaceful.
"Not if you get bored with me," Ellie pouted.
"Never," Joel promised. Much more likely that you'll get bored with ME, baby girl... but he wasn't about to say it out loud. Ellie got annoyed - sometimes even upset - when he made comments like that. About her 'outgrowing' him.
"I won't," she mumbled.
Uh... I DIDN'T say that out loud, did I? "You won't what?"
"Get bored of you. -No, you didn't say it, but I heard you thinking it."
"...You can't hear a person-"
"I can! Only if it's you. Do you deny it? Tell me you weren't thinking something like that," she challenged.
He supposed it wasn't that far of a conclusion for her to jump to, considering the discussions they'd had in the past. But she's so damn cute when she's proud of herself! "You're right. You are a genius."
"I really am," she agreed. "Cuz you're such a... what's the word... enigma? Or enema. One of those. Ha!"
"I'll take enigma, thank you." He kissed her temple. "Even though I think it applies more to you than me."
"We can both be it, can't we?" She scooched up again, kissing him on the lips this time. "Except I think we actually understand each other pretty well."
We do... we always have. Although he thought of that as being more like... on a spiritual level. The day-to-day workings of her mind still eluded him at times. He caressed her cheek. "Hey. You might be a mind reader, but I sure ain't. If there's anything you wanna tell me..."
"No! Nope, I'm good. But I know. I can tell you anything," she recited.
She don't seem to be troubled or upset about anything right now... He couldn't help wondering where some of her bizarre questions had sprouted from, but... off-the-wall questions weren't exactly unusual for her, either. Maybe she feels insecure in some way... He leaned in to nuzzle her cheek... kiss her ear... "I'll tell you a secret," he whispered.
"Oooo tell me, tell me!" she squealed.
"I like kissin' you," he 'confessed' before covering her mouth with his - or trying to.
The not-secret made her giggle. "Thanks for clearing that up. I had no idea."
"Well, now you know."
"Mmm..." She kissed him back, slipping her tongue into his mouth at the first opportunity.
Maybe she IS feeling better...
Only she seemed to be content with just the kissing. Her hands weren't roving, and she wasn't climbing on top of him or pulling him on top of her. After she got her fill of kisses, she lay her head back down on his chest. "Why would anyone not like that," she marveled.
"Maybe you'n'me are just real good kissers," Joel speculated.
She giggled. "Yeah! Maybe that's it. I feel sorry for everyone who doesn't get to kiss us."
"I don't. To hell with 'em."
"That's mean!" she swatted him.
"Never claimed to be nice."
"Yeah - but you are. Thank you."
"...for what?"
"Being nice!"
He chuckled. "You know I can't stay mad at you longer than-"
"I don't mean it like not being mad at me. I mean... you're nice. You're a nice guy. Don't even argue with me about that," she added sternly.
"Yes ma'am." Although that was debatable at best.
"Like you don't... expect anything from me. If I just wanna lay here and go to sleep with you... without having sex first... you don't mind."
"...And that makes me nice?" More like OLD.
"Yep!" she chirped. "Totally. Nice... sweet... understanding..."
"No it don't. That's just... normal." It sure did feel good sometimes when she put him on a pedestal... but other times, it struck him that Ellie should be able to discern what was actually remarkable and what was just common human decency. That maybe he wasn't doing her any favors down the road by letting her put him up there for no good reason. She ain't usually the one who don't wanna have sex, though... "Tell me the truth: are you still feelin' sick? Even just a lil' bit."
"Well... it got better, after we got back on solid ground... but then it got worse again at campfire, when everyone was... around... I dunno, it just came back a little. Except not quite the same thing. And I only puked when I was on the boat. It might've just been in my head, at campfire - cuz now that I'm here with you? It's pretty much gone again. I mean like right after we came in here, I felt better."
It comes and goes? ...That don't necessarily mean anything... nope, of course it don't... "Maybe it was just... some kind of lingerin' effect from all that time you spent on the water today."
She snorted. "Yeah, something like that."
That was definitely a sarcastic tone, but Joel felt like it could be the real reason. "Glad you're feelin' better." He started playing with her hair again. So... if it ain't cuz she's feeling queasy, then why...
Joel had to chuckle at himself; sometimes he was convinced he was the girl and Ellie was the guy, in this relationship. There was no need to analyze her motives for not wanting to make love. Just because she wasn't sick... and didn't seem especially tired... ain't she allowed to just not be in the mood? No need to worry until she started routinely making excuses to go to bed before him or stay up after him. Ha - like that would happen in this place! Still... she could claim to be extremely interested in reading the book she'd already read, and stay up to read it by flashlight. Or go to bed right after dinner, insisting that Joel stay up for campfire rather than join her.
...Her body's probably just more worn out than her brain. Being out in the sun all day like that takes a toll. And their relationship was strong enough now that they could be honest with each other. If he wasn't in the mood and she was - the most likely scenario, when their moods weren't aligned - he would only give her a hard no (...no pun intended) if he was sure that she couldn't possibly get him in the mood. Because he felt that was better than giving the poor girl a complex. She generally took it in stride, so... Joel should do the same. Hell - she hadn't even rejected him, technically.
"I think my head is sunburned," Ellie remarked now. "It feels all hot, on top."
Joel patted the top of her head. "That's why God invented-"
"HATS - I know!" she groaned. "You don't like wearing them either! Parker wore one... but he just doesn't like the sun getting in his eyes. His hair is so thick on top I don't think the sun could find his scalp to burn it."
Joel chuckled. "Yours ain't exactly thin."
"Mine is a mess," she lamented.
"I'll wash it for you tomorrow," Joel offered.
"Only if it's in the sink!"
"Of course."
"Okay. Let's wait 'til I'm done with the ocean - like right before dinner. So it'll be nice and clean all night for once."
"You got it. ...Wait - you're goin' in the ocean tomorrow? Didn't you get your fill of ocean today?"
"I didn't go in it," she explained. "And I've never gone two days in a row without playing in the waves!"
"Yes you have. That time when it was so rainy an' stormy that no one wanted to be outside at all for three-"
"Okay, besides that. On a normal weather day. Never two in a row of no ocean whatsoever."
She was probably right about that. And how lucky are we that 'normal weather' means sunny as hell, even in winter? "Hopefully the waves don't make you seasick now, after today."
She gasped, clearly alarmed at such a dreadful prospect. "You think they will? That would suck so bad!"
"No idea. We'll find out tomorrow." He kissed the top of her sunburned head again (he supposed it did feel warmer than usual, now that he thought about it). "I won't go visit the tree. The boys can handle it themselves now."
"Aww, you can go if you want! You sounded all happy before, when you were talking about it... and since the first experiment sort of failed, maybe we should try again? And I swear I won't go anywhere this time. Not Outside, not in the water. -Unless you're gone like the whole day, cuz I already told you I have to go in."
"They won't go at it all day, but I don't plan on goin' - the fun part's over anyhow. I'm thinkin' we'll just have ourselves a lazy day tomorrow. Mark an' Parker said they're goin' huntin', so no need for us to go... and I think fishin' is out, for you..."
"Yes! Ugh. I don't even like it to begin with, but after today..."
Joel enjoyed fishing more than Ellie did, that was for sure. She thought it was too boring, just sitting around, quietly waiting for the fish to bite. Now, if they were to sit around and quietly make out while waiting for a bite, she was more amenable... but Joel didn't indulge her with that too often. The jetty was somewhat private, he supposed, but still in view of everyone on the beach - and the docks were Outside. "Just barely," she would argue - but still Outside, and that was just too senseless a risk to take. It wasn't like they didn't have plenty of other opportunities for such activities - on a daily basis, even.
"A lazy day it is, then," she concurred. "And hopefully the water doesn't make me sick now. I would hate it if that was ruined!"
"It'll prob'ly be fine. Don't worry." He tilted her chin up and kissed her softly. "Maybe we'll try the experiment again the day after tomorrow. If that don't go well, then..."
"Fuck - I guess that means we just can't ever be separated from each other!" she giggled.
"Either that, or third time's the charm?" he suggested.
"Nope, I like mine better."
Joel did, too. And right now, he didn't care that it made him a selfish prick. So what if we can't be apart? As long as the feeling is mutual...
That was short-term thinking, of course. Long-term, responsible thinking would have to come into play at some point. But not today... not tomorrow...
Maybe not until they left California, where the sunshine and waves and quasi-hippies seemed to have lulled him into more of a devil-may-care attitude than ever before in regards to the disturbing or sinful aspects of his relationship with Ellie.