Chapter Five:

"Please don't," she whispered, struggling to turn her head away from mine.

I stopped, my lips so close to hers I could taste her warm breath. "Why not?" I demanded.

"When I wake up..." Not this again! I began to protest, but she continued, "Okay, forget that one. When you leave again"—as though this thought was any better!—"it's going to be hard enough without this, too."

I pulled back and stared at her, contemplating.

"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so … hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be … quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" I spoke softly, trying not to let my desperation for her acceptance show in my voice.

"What kind of an idiotic question is that?" A funny question she posed after I spent all night convincing her of my love.

"Just answer it. Please." I needed to hear the confirmation. I needed to see the truth in her eyes.

She stared at me for a moment, almost glaring, seemingly irritated by my request, before she finally responded, "The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you—and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"That's all I needed to hear," I stated before promptly—finally—joining my mouth with hers. I kissed her with near reckless abandon. Although I couldn't kiss her with as much force as I wished, I attempted to pour all the love I could safely display into this one token of affection.

I never wanted this moment to end: my hands on her face and neck while hers traced mine. I could hear her heart pounding disjointedly the way it only did when we were so entwined. It was the most beautiful sound my ears had heard, and I cursed myself for ripping this pleasure so harshly away for so many months.

I whispered her name like a prayer, so thankful I was for this moment. If God did exist, perhaps he did not hate my kind as I thought; after all, if my prior convictions were true, how could I be so lucky as to be in Bella's arms once again with her welcoming me back in such a warm manner?

I pulled away only when her breathing became faint—I did not, after all, want her to collapse as she had once before, seemingly eons ago—and moved to rest my ear against her drumming heart, cherishing the sound as it throbbed wetly.

As I heard her breathing slowly return to normal, I stated in a hopefully casual manner, "By the way, I'm not leaving you." When she didn't respond for a moment, I decided to emphasize my words. Leaving my head resting on her chest, I turned my face upward to look into her eyes as I firmly said, "I'm not going anywhere. Not without you."

As she continued gazing at me skeptically, I explained, "I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you—keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted … what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay—thank heaven for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."

"Don't promise me anything," she whispered dejectedly. Was she being purposely obtuse?

"You think I'm lying to you now?" I questioned, certain my frustration was visible on my face and through my tone. What could I do to make her understand, to make her see that I was nothing without her?

"No—not lying. You could mean it now, but what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"

I flinched. Her words were harsh but well-deserved. I deserved this line of questioning, and she deserved answers. She thought me infallible, but I had to make her see that I made the gravest mistake leaving her before and I would never make that mistake again. Come hell or high water, I was here to stay until she ordered me away.

She continued, "It isn't as if you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it? You'll end up doing what you think is right."

"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for. Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me. I was coming back anyway," I explained, thinking back on my darkest days. I always considered my time of rebellion to be the roughest time in my past, but I knew now that any day spent without Bella was a day in my personal hell. "Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time—and not much of it—before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back." After a moment, I continued, "I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that." Perhaps my earlier thought of groveling at her feet would be a good idea to execute. Perhaps that would finally convince her I wasn't lying.

Of course, Bella always surprises me with her responses. Instead of making me beg as she should, she grimaced. "Be serious, please."

"Oh, I am," I insisted, glaring, and then more forcefully: "Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?"

I paused for a moment, studying her face to ensure she was listening and also to gather my thoughts to ensure I spoke in a manner best suited to help her understand. As intelligent as Bella was, she had an uncanny ability to be remarkably unobservant.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

"Your eyes will adjust," she mumbled. I sighed.

"That's just the problem—they can't."

"What about your distractions?" Her tone was accusatory. I laughed darkly.

"Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the … the agony. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone—like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you."

"That's funny," she muttered.

I raised an eyebrow. "Funny?" Surely not.

"I meant strange—I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long." She breathed in deeply to prove her point. "And my heart. That was definitely lost."

Ah, her heart. I closed my eyes and once again nestled into her chest to feel its throbbing heat against my cheek. She, meanwhile, pressed her cheek to my hair, and I knew I had never felt closer to heaven than I did in that moment.

I always loved this part in the book!

I would so appreciate your thoughts on my writing and on my interpretation of Edward's internal monologue.

Thanks for reading!