Author's Note: I already put this song but it fits Lily so goddamn perfectly I just had to use it again. And just a quick warning for Jily fans, James and Lily are not getting together for a while, okay? It's slow burn, so I'm going to make it slow burn. And Lily isn't the only woman that James is going to be with so you have been warned. Apologies in advance and don't worry, James will go through a lot of angst later to balance everything out.
GO CHECK THE PROGLOGUE AUTHOR'S NOTE BEFORE YOU CONTINUE TO READ.
Lily Evans: 'Jolene' by Dolly Parton
Trigger Warning: Rape.
And plz tell me if I got anything incorrect or inaccurate with the scene. I'm attempting to portray the thoughts that a rape victim would go thru and it would rly help if ppl would give feedback. I have never experienced rape, I just read some stuff online so I'm a little unsure about it.
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Chapter 5 - Fear
5th year, April
Hogwarts
Fear. One could easily call it the Jack of all trades. It could do it everything. A Swiss Army knife, if you will. Multipurpose.
Fear consumed. It ruled. It suppressed. It was a weapon, arguably the deadliest one mankind possessed. The mightiest legions have fallen to their knees by its destructively subtle nature. The most resolute of men have succumbed to its poisonous allure by the snap of a finger. Fear was dangerous.
But Mary MacDonald didn't just feel that fear, she fucking drowned in it. Being under him... under that heavy body and trapped against her will by the dark magic that chained her down and kept her from escaping. Pain wracked her every nerve. Her lungs felt like collapsing. They hurt.
Her chest was heavy as it heaved up and down, trying to take in oxygen but was ineffective in doing so.
Limbs, useless. Brain, shut down. Eyes... all they could do was mercifully stay closed.
Her hair was being pulled, up, down, sideways, it felt like it was being ripped off her head.
As she lay on the desk in the abandoned classroom in the dead of night, chained, she felt fear consume her. It was eating her alive.
She never believed in God. Not like her friend, Lily Evans did. She didn't believe in some divine entity watching over her but as fear devoured her, she prayed. She begged and pleaded to the heavens, to Olympus, to Asgard, to whatever the fuck could help her in her feeble state. For she was being ravaged by a demon, and divine intervention seemed to be her only hope. It never came.
All she could do as he sawed harshly in and out of her dry center was whimper and beg. All she could do was shake and plead. She felt weak.
Fear coursed through her veins, straight to her heart, constricting it. It beat faster, adrenaline was sent into every part of her body but it was fruitless. She was trapped.
But for a second, she was okay. He backed away.
That second of mercy didn't last very long.
He was back again. But this time, he was in her mouth. She tasted her own blood, it made tears shine in her helpless eyes. He was positioned above her face, diving in and out. Her throat hurt. Her nose was invaded by a nauseating scent, attacking her senses like jabs of a knife in her blocked airway. She was suffocating.
His invading hands were wrapped roughly around her umber hair, pulling and yanking. She screamed. But no one heard. She was alone.
His thrusts went faster. And faster. And sharper. Her throat hurt. More.
He didn't stop. She couldn't beg. She couldn't push him off. Her pleas were stifled by the invasive object in her helplessly open mouth. He went faster. She was despondent. No more. She couldn't fight. There was no point. He was stronger. He was faster. She was weak. Nothing. Useless. Worthless. Unworthy. Tainted.
These thoughts reverberated in her mind, encapsulating her in the dull feelings of self doubt and pity. She was resigned to not fight. To not be able to fight back.
Just like he said, mudbloods like her didn't deserve good things in life. They deserved to be slaughtered, raped, tortured. He said she was just getting her due. He said that she deserved this. For living. For being who she was. A mudblood.
Crazed mutterings of 'Potter' and 'lesson' and 'punishment' spilled from his cracked lips, entering through her ears and poisoning her helpless mind.
With a last push, a bitter liquid flooded her mouth, some spilling out. She twitched. And shook. She choked, trying to expel the sickening fluid from her mouth. He stopped her from doing so, grabbing her chin forcefully and tilting her head up, constraining her to swallow. She wanted to throw up. He laughed. It was a cruel sound. Cold. Cutting. It was frightening.
It felt like forever. But the cackles eventually stopped. Mercy was finally upon her. Better late than never, right?
He was gone. And she... was trapped. Stuck in the claustrophobic confines of an emotion she only ever felt as a child. Fear.
The door was thrown open. Light shown through the passageway. A tall figure rushed to her side and she pleaded. Begging. Pathetic.
She croaked, "No-ple-please. No more..."
That was fear.
It's all my fault. Those were the words in his head as he threw the door to the abandoned classroom open. He saw her there. Chained and twitching on a desk, completely nude and easily at anyone's mercy.
When Marlene asked him to go look for Mary so the girls could play trivia night, he thought she would be in the library, doing that project that Binns assigned on one of those stupid Goblin wars. What he did find when he used the map was her in an abandoned classroom. With Mulciber.
His blood froze over and his legs instinctively carried him out of the dorm to her location. He ran like the devil was on his heels, adrenaline pumping and eyes clouded over in tunnel vision. James could easily imagine the things Mulciber would do to his friends to get revenge and all of them were utterly revolting.
His wand was in his left hand as he neared the classroom, primed in front of him when he kicked open the door. Mulciber was gone but Mary was on a desk looking like a prisoner trapped in shackles.
He rushed to her side, unchaining her and what he saw, horrified him. Signs of dark magic tainted her usually pale skin. An inky blackness seemed to ooze out her arms and legs, creating an eerie effect on her body. But that wasn't even the worst part.
She didn't have any clothes on and he saw the red marks marring her normally flawless neck. Scratches could be seen on her breasts all the way down to her crotch. He saw her long brown hair, ripped on the ground. Blood was matted in her pubic hair and her legs were shaking. This is all my fault.
His eyes widened as he caught sight of the whitish fluid from the side of her mouth. No...
Making haste, he covered her in his invisibility cloak and transfigured a stretcher of sorts, placing her on top. Not caring about the mess he left behind in his hurry to get her situated on the stretcher, he levitated it and sprinted to the hospital wing.
As he ran, his mind was focused on one thing. Mulciber. He hated him with every fiber of his fucking body. The bastard really had to bring his friends into this?! James would've been fine with being attacked in the hallways at night when he was by himself, at least then he didn't have to worry about the chance of his friends getting hurt. But not only did Mulciber torture Mary, he raped her.
A fucking monster. He was a fucking monster.
Heart pounding, he floated the stretcher with Mary on it into the infirmary and called out for Madam Pomphrey. She rushed out, a panicked look on her face as James lowered Mary onto a bed.
"What happened?" Her voice was calm but her face spoke differently. Pulling out her wand, she started her inspection of Mary's wounds.
"I- I found her in an abandoned classroom like this. It was-" he paused, not wanting to get into exactly how he knew who the attacker was. "-maybe someone in Slytherin, they hate us."
Poppy hummed absentmindedly, anxiously looking down at Mary's arms that were ravaged by some sort of skin cutting curse. The worry was evident in Poppy's face as looked at her new patient.
The destructive magic clearly wasn't some normal everyday diffindo, there was an element of wrong about the wounds. It was dark and infected and there was a strange rot at the edges of the gashes.
"Do you know how to fix this?" James asked, running an nervous hand through his messy hair.
The matron looked a little unsure but determination shown in her eyes. "I think so, I would need to clean up everything and maybe let the magical residue drain out by itself. It'd be a long time before she can fully heal though." She bent back over Mary's head and looked into her mouth. James could clearly see the blood staining her teeth and the white liquid on her gums.
"Merlin." She breathed, aghast at what she saw. "I-is this...?"
James nodded, expression solemn.
"Fuck."
Another nod. It was all he could do at this point. His voice simply couldn't escape from his mouth.
"What has this school gone to? Safest place, my arse." She hissed. Poppy did her best to clean out everything she could on Mary but the wounds caused by dark magic still clung to her skin like a parasite.
"You should go get some sleep, James. Maybe tell your friends, they're probably worried." Her voice was calming but it still had that traitorous hint of shakiness borne from the shock of seeing a victim embedded in it. Fucked up, I know.
She went to her storage room to collect all of the supplements and medicines to help Mary with recovery. But that would only help her physically, her mental capabilities would no doubt be dealt a blow when she woke up and James... all he felt was guilt.
"...we'll kill him." Hatred seemed to drip off of Marlene's body as she gazed down at Marty's still-unconscious form. "Those bastards shouldn't even be at this school." She growled.
"Monsters..." Sirius's eyes held a savage glint in them, there was a certain iciness that that he only ever reserved for those like his family - namely, Mulciber's gang. Remus's knuckles were white as he tightly gripped the back of the armchair James was seated on.
"Wha-why... what the fuck is wrong with them?" Lily growled, disgust oozing out of out of her words and James couldn't agree with his rival's sentiment more. Those fuckers, they were messed up. More messed up than he thought previously and he had already believed that they were the scum of the fucking earth.
Dorcas just stood still, staring at the sight of her friend, beat up in front of her. Peter was fidgeting nervously as he very clearly noticed the negative mood in the room.
Sirius was the first to make a move and disrupt the silence centered around the loathing of Mulciber. "I'm not standing around and letting that bastard get away with this, James c'mon let's fuck him up."
He turned and his gait, instead of the relaxed walk everyone was accustomed to from, he sauntered out of the room like a predator, a hunter. Every step was filled with conviction and he didn't even wait for James to respond as his one track mind carried his lithe body outside of the hospital wing.
Sirius's words seemed to click something in James's mind, anger replaced the guilt that was holding it captive and allowing a fierce determination to rush through his veins, making adrenaline travel to every limb of his body. His now-one-track-mind was dead set on revenge.
The next month for Mulciber would be hell on earth. He fucking swore it.
5th year, May
Hogwarts
James Potter was always known to keep his promises. He kept secrets and would die before he divulged any of them without permission. He made promises to himself to get better and make his parents proud, and he accomplished it with a flair unlike any other.
And so, rest of April along with the start of May was the time period in which James Potter's reputation as a troublemaker soared to new heights. Those pranks were no longer just amusing, now they had a seemingly calculated cruelness infused with each of them. Pranks that used to tranfigure people's cloaks into wings that slapped whoever was close to them turned into reshaping limbs and making boils grow on crotches. Mulciber was constantly itching himself and he looked like he could barely walk. Severus Snape - who immediately went to Mulciber's defense knowing full well what he had done - was knocked into walls and had his fingers broken. Almost everyone who got in James and Sirius's way was shoved to the side as they terrorized their target.
Things had already been bad between them and the Slytherins for a long time but after Mary's incident with Mulciber, it got to the point where no mercy was shown to those on opposite side.
Snape had taken to stalking the Marauders on their monthly trips since a while ago and that was another reason added to the list. Regulus - Sirius's biological brother - had been growing darker and darker and Sirius couldn't stop it. Muggleborns were being jeered at constantly in hallways and Mulciber's sin was simply the straw that broke the camel's back.
Marlene was fully committed to their side as she was always cheering them on every time one of Mulciber's gang was disfigured. Dorcas and Remus just seemed to stay in the back and watched as havoc was wreaked upon the Slytherins - literally every single one seemed to be siding with the junior deatheaters. Peter seemed unsure most of the time but he still cheered James and Sirius on.
But there was one person that was a consistent nuisance regarding their little crusade. Lily Evans. She would berate and tell them off every time they fought and James... he wanted to mess her up, he wanted to hex her for being an obstacle, but he just... couldn't. His magic (and his conscience) simply refused to do so. But never in a million years would he admit - even to himself - that he would hate to see her hurt. It was better for his health if he just played it off as her being not worth his time.
"Potter! That's enough! He didn't even attack you." She stopped right in front of James who was currently making Avery erupt in boils all over.
"Evans, we've had this fucking discussion at least five times this week and it's getting tiring. Just take the points and shove off." He seethed, wand still trained on a pathetic-looking piece of shit on the ground.
"Avery!" She snapped. "Get your arse up and out of here! One of you prefects, take him to the hospital wing, I'll deal with Potter."
James watched as Regulus Black - what the hell is he doing?! - took Avery away and off to Madam Pomphrey
"Potter." James turned to Lily as she spoke. "Stop doing thi-"
James just rolled his eyes and walked off with an uncaring swagger to his long-legged gait.
"Detention!" Lily called over to him like it was routine. And in a way, it was.
"I'll be there!" He yelled irritably back over his shoulder, pissed that Evans interrupted him again. The bird just didn't know when to fucking quit!
James was already halfway up the staircase to the Gryffindor dorms when he was struck with the sudden urge to fly. It always cooled him down so taking his broom for a spin would probably help his head.
When he made it to the field, he could see Marlene already up in the air, doing some tricks that they had learned together as children.
"Marls!" He called up.
"J!" She dived down, stopping just above him. "What are you doing here? I thought you were messing up that Slytherin?"
"Evans." He grumbled as by way of explanation.
"Yeah... Lily is- she doesn't like violence and then you just go around doing that stuff." She waved a manicured hand around carelessly.
"Wait, I thought you were on my side...?" He narrowed his eyes accusingly.
"No! I am," she was quick to reassure. "I'm just saying that Lily doesn't like it."
"But why? And she's only ever on my case. She doesn't tell the Slytherins off for doing bad shit and she's never saying anything to Sirius either." His eyebrows furrowed.
"I think she just has high standards for you." Marlene said contemplatively. James was puzzled. High standards? Doesn't she hate me? Didn't she say I disgust her?
"... so when you do something she doesn't think fits with her image of you, she blows up. If you were anyone else, then I don't think she'd care except for maybe taking a few points away."
"Well that's dumb. Wait, why though...?"
"Ehh, you'll figure it out I guess. I barely know why and I'm her friend." Marlene shrugged. "Now, wanna go fly or talk about your crush more?"
"I don't have a-"
"Sure..." Marlene said sarcastically as she gave him an infuriatingly knowing look before she shot up in the air. She's lying , Potter. Stop being so defensive.
James shook the thoughts out of his head and ran off into the locker room to pick his broom out before he went back to the pitch. He set himself on it and kicked off, going straight up until he reached where Marlene was flying high.
"I'll race you!" He called out, pointing towards the ground and then the clouds. "Alright!" Marlene adjusted her grip on her broom handle and rocketed down to the grass with James right on her tail.
Once at the bottom, they both swerved and twisted upwards, darting to the sky. It was a stunning clash of orange and red and yellow and James didn't think anything could be as beautiful as this. Hues of light danced around and made his mind practically orgasm right there.
And all James felt as he cut through the air was the unmistakable feeling of freedom, liberating him and instilling a sense of invincibility in him. Wind rushed through his messy hair and blew it back away from his forehead. Adrenaline rushed through his veins and he flew- no, he soared.
And for the first time since winter break, he felt alright again.
"So how are things with you and Dorky?" James sat beside her with their backs to the wall of the quidditch stands. He was tilting his head up to allow the water from the bottle enter his awaiting mouth.
"It's okay... I still don't know if she likes girls but I have suspicions." She reached out for the water bottle in James's hands and took a drink as well.
"Does she say... anything about me? The only time I saw her was in the hospital wing and... ya know." He finished lamely. James propped one knee up and casually rested a tan arm on it.
"Not anymore," Marlene sighed, "but she used to, a lot. Sometimes I would hear her crying over you at night but that was a while ago. I think she's gotten over you so that's good."
"Oh, thank Merlin, I can get close to her now? I promise I won't steal her away." He teased, bumping her shoulder with his.
All Marlene had for a response was a playful glare and a middle finger being rudely shoved in his face. He enjoyed being able to poke fun at his friend like this, because things had became strained in all of their relationships as of late.
And all because of what happened to Mary.
Laughter wasn't as common among the friend group anymore and neither were smiles so a breath of fresh air and a light insult did wonders for their troubled minds.
"This is one of the few times that I will admit that I've ever been bested by a man." She grumbled irritably.
James just laughed and slung an arm around her shoulder to pull her into a side-hug. "Well keep trying, I believe in you Marls."
She pulled back and got up, holding out a hand to help him up too.
"Thanks J." She turned around and called behind her back. "Now c'mon, hurry up or Sirius will have eaten all the food!"
She ran off with James right on her heels. They sprinted through the hallways, playfully bumping into each other, and making each other crash into armor stands and walls. The child-like excitement only lasted a few minutes for them as a voice suddenly yelled out a jumbled word, causing a beam of light to make its way to James. His eyes widened has he attempted to pull his wand out and cast a shield, but Marlene beat him to it, deflecting the spell into a stone wall.
"Snivellus." James hissed, glaring at the greasy bastard's audacity. He knew that he attacked Snape more than once, but it was annoying when he started it. Call James hypocritical but when bigots think they have the right to attack you, it's really fucking irritating. But to be fair, he didn't have the right to attack him either so he couldn't exactly voice this complaint.
Snape just ignored James's insult as he poured spell after spelling out of his wand, throwing them at James and forcing him to throw up his own shield with Marlene.
A red pulse darted to Marlene's back and James stepped behind her to deflect it. It was Avery.
"Ahh, so I guess you still have your balls, huh?" James taunted. Marlene snickered, back still turned to James as she faced Snape.
"That mudblood deserved what she got Potter, you have no right, no right to get in our way." Avery snarled; wand fixed on James's face.
"Deserved? She deserved a small dick in her, right?" James snorted, faking nonchalance and not showing the bubbling anger that he felt inside. "And that was probably the only way you fuckers could ever get a woman, tie her down with some dark shit and force yourself onto her."
"As if, that bitch was below him. He was just doing what she wanted, the whore wanted it. She just couldn't handle it." Avery snarked back. All James saw was red as he lunged to the side, casting a barrage of spells at Avery, triggering all of them into combat.
He and Marlene worked like a well-oiled machine, blocking and attacking for each other. Their chemistry on the pitch was infamous for being able to tear down any defense and magical fights were no different.
Snape and Avery were practically helpless as they pathetically attempted to block every attack. There was just no athleticism in any bone of their body, forcing them to resort to draining their magical energy.
Snape started viciously casting lacerating curses and James was attempting to keep them away from him and Marlene. He was mostly successful but dark magic required more energy to send away and James was feeling the drag on his stamina.
Marlene kept up her attacks and managed to send Avery flying, leaving an opening for her to move into an attack on Snape. Avery wasn't as proficient at dark magic as Snape was, so it was a simple thing to keep him away. But she couldn't help James because as she turned, Marlene was hit by a beam of black light and she collapsed on the hard ground like a rag doll.
James's body language following the incapacitation of his friend shifted dramatically, switching from an almost flamboyant pattern of attacks into a predatorial assault. Wide slashes made to entertain converted into sharp jabs filled with venom at their target.
Snape's eyes widened as a jet of yellow struck him straight in the chest, blasting him backwards down the hall. James smirked with pride until he remembered Marlene, who was still down.
"C'mon, let's get out of here." He muttered as he picked her up bridal style and carried her away from hall. On the way out, he kicked Snape's head. Fuck, that felt good.
"Evans." He greeted with a smirk, strutting arrogantly into the classroom. Lily was sat atop a desk, about to keep watch of his detention.
"Potter." She nodded curtly, gesturing to the student's desk in front near the teacher's desk. Lily had originally planned to make him file tests for Professor McGonagall before anything else but then she heard about his and Marlene's run-in with the Slytherins. Apparently, it was Avery and Severus, Lily would need to talk to him about that.
It would've been a bad look if she made James do work as tedious as filing when he had recently helped her friend, so she decided to cut him some slack and just talk. She'd been meaning to do this for a while anyways and she wasn't going wait any longer.
"What do I do?" James slung his bag on to the ground and casually draped himself over the chair, exuding an aura of uncaring and insolence. Jesus, he's going to be difficult isn't he? Lily thought drily.
Of course James Potter would do anything in his power to annoy her, he was James Potter and she was Lily Evans. It was natural. But she was going to at least try to get through his thick skull.
"Potter, do you even understand why you have this detention?" She asked, folding her arms as she leaned on the teacher's desk.
"Because you're a stuck up swot who doesn't understand when someone needs punishment?" His face was positively cherubic as he asked the rhetorical question. Lily wasn't going lie, it hurt that he thought of her like that but she kept pressing. "Potter, I know they deserve it. But, just because it's deserved, doesn't mean it's not wrong." She said firmly, doing her best to capture the image of Professor McGonagall in her voice.
An incredulous look from him was fired at Lily, who internally sighed. This was going to be difficult. "You have no right to go around, dishing out punishments to those that you believe deserve it. Leave that to the people who's job it is to actually do that."
James snorted derisively. "Well they're fucking useless and their 'punishments' aren't going to be punishments at all." He leaned forward aggressively as if to accentuate his point. "Just look at this-" he gestured with a careless wave around the Transfiguration classroom. "-this isn't exactly a punishment, Evans. You're just blabbering on about how you think I should act. The most 'punished' I feel is that I'm just bored, that's it. But sure, this is a 'punishment'."
Lily moved closer to his desk and leaned over him. Not menacingly, because her eyes softened as she looked at him. "James..." she pleaded. Lily saw him shiver and was delighted in his reaction to her saying his name. "This isn't supposed to be a punishment, I just want to talk."
He snapped out of his Lily-Evans-calling-his-name induced trance. "About what? There's nothing to talk about. Just give me the work then let me get out." He said impatiently.
She ignored him. "What you're doing, is bullying. I know that they deserve it. But you can't be the one that does it." Her hands were inching closer to his hand that he left on the desk. He didn't notice.
"Then who will? Huh? Who's going to do it? Everyone else, is a fucking pussy and won't do shit against them." He spat venomously, clearly upset by Lily's accusation. He knew what she said to be true but honestly, he'd had enough bullshit going on recently that releasing stress on bigots seemed like a very attractive idea. "Do you even care about Mary? What would she think if we just let bastards like Mulciber run happy?!"
That's not the point, James. Lily shook her head at him. "No, of course not. We have to let her get her own revenge, because we can't just go attacking them like this when most of them didn't even participate. It was just Mulciber, and Mary should be the one to do it." She inched closer to his face.
"That's bullshit!" He growled. "We let her get her revenge when she heals but I am going to fuck them all up in her absence. They're all on the same team, they know what happened, AND THEY STILL FIGHT FOR HIM." His fist was clenched furiously, and his jaw tensed, radiating the anger that seemed to be increasingly more common with him these days. And the weird thing was, it didn't just start when Mary got raped, it had begun long before then and Lily had no clue as to what it was. She really missed the old James. She remembered the glimpse of the old James that day on the Astronomy tower. The one that played the guitar and sang with her so sweetly. Where did you go? What happened to you?
"James... please," she murmured softly, one hand gently massaging his on the desk and the other going up to cup his cheek. Once she made physical contact with his face, she rubbed her thumb around in small, calming circles. Lily studied his face as it was close enough and he was still enough for her to examine the boy she'd fallen for.
The silver wire framed glasses he wore sat atop his nose slightly skewed, creating a unkempt effect even on his face. His skin was tan and somehow utterly flawless. Perfect condition with no breakouts or anything. Must be that 27-in-1. Lily thought drily.
A light dusting of freckles adorned his high cheekbones, and she had the sudden urge to count and kiss every single one of them. His eyelashes were long and he- James Potter was fucking perfect.
He was still frozen, the wheels in his head clearly shut down and he appeared to be doing a perfect imitation of a deer caught in headlights.
The hand she had rested on his cheek trailed to the back of his head and gently pulled his hair, slowly pushing his head up towards hers. James...
Their lips didn't meet. His eyes had widened as he suddenly realized what was about to happen and he jumped back. A shocked expression was on his face as he leaned away from her.
"What the fuck?! Evans are you trying to mess with me right now?! Is this the punishment?! Imagine going as low as to give-"he stopped ranting, realizing what he was about to say.
"Give what, James...? Mess with you...? You know what I want..." her face had a softness to it that James's mind simply couldn't fathom, and he was fucking scared. He'd seen it only once before but that had gone and fucked with his mind entirely. He wasn't about to be getting trapped in it again.
"You don't know what you want. I don't know what you want. You-you're just trying fuck with my head aren't you? I'm not letting this happen aga-"he shot out of his seat, stopping the sentence midway. He quickly grabbed his bag and rushed towards the door with an urgency that was so unlike the normally relaxed Gryffindor. Lily lunged and held on to one of the straps of the bag to hold him back.
"James. Again? What do you mean?" She held even more tightly on to his bag. She didn't want him leaving without giving her some goddamn answers first.
"Nothing." He snarled, looking more feral animal than man, but Lily kept pressing the question.
"It's not nothing, if something's wrong, I just want to help. Please." She was close to begging now and she knew it. He was this close, and she couldn't let him slip away again.
"Evans, let me go." He tugged.
"No." She pulled harder.
"Why?!" Another pull.
"Just tell me what's wrong." She demanded.
"No." James jerked the strap of the bag and Lily fell forward with her open palms on to his solid chest. His hands instinctively dropped the bag and went to her waist, holding her up.
Taking advantage of his split-second lapse of attention, she pulled him down with her into a kiss. His lips moved against hers spontaneously and her eyes closed as they made out by the oak door.
Her hand went up to hold his cheek and he froze before sliding back into the safety and comfort of their heated snogging. He held her tight against him and she relished in it. They felt so natural, so perfect... so made for each other that Lily instantly swooned. She could feel the spark between them. Surely, he felt it too. There was absolutely no way he didn't. It was as obvious as fireworks in a pitch-black sky. He had to have felt their connection. The chemistry they had was unparalleled and Lily fucking knew it. James would have to be braindead to not sense it either.
Their bodies molded together perfectly. His taller, muscled form went flawlessly with her shorter, softer frame. They fit together like missing puzzle pieces, going together like sunsets and walks on the beach. Joining faultlessly like- she would've honestly waxed on and on about how poetically they belonged together, but she wasn't going to, this kiss was too distracting for her to have coherent thought.
They were perfect, natural, fated. She wanted to stay in that position forever and for just a blissful minute, it seemed like they would.
It was only when she made the fatal mistake of moaning after he swept the inside of her mouth with his tongue, did he push her away completely.
"Fuck!" His expression went from completely enamored to utterly horrified as he quickly snatched up his satchel and ran out the door, leaving her alone on the cold floor. Dammit...
3rd Year, November
Hogwarts
"Are you sure you want this?" The boy asked tentatively. He sat down on his bed, looking up at her with a questioning expression.
"Yes, I'm sure." She rolled her eyes, clearly irritated by his inquiry. The bed part wasn't that he asked, the bad part was that this was the fifth time he'd asked since they came up here.
"So how do you want to do this?" He patted the space beside him for her to sit. She obliged.
"I don't know- I've never done this before." She admitted. This would be her first kiss and it would be with - in her opinion and the rest of the third-year girls - a rather cute boy.
"Yeah... me neither." He gave a sheepish smile as he reluctantly admitted it. "You know, I could just ask Sirius for a forfeit if that's what you want."
The entire third year of Gryffindor was currently playing Truth or Dare during their break for the day in the common room while the other years were off in their classes. It was pouring outside, and it just seemed like perfect game night weather. Only, it wasn't nighttime, it was just really dark from the storm outside.
Mary had suggested the muggle game and the proposal was quickly seconded by Sirius right before he had brought the idea over to James.
Once everyone had been situated around in a circle, a bottle was spun and whoever it landed on, had choose truth or dare and the person who spun had to give the dare or ask a question. Simple stuff, really. The game started off rather tame, basic 'truths' about embarrassing moments and such. But after Marlene had loudly exclaimed how boring everyone else was, Sirius took it upon himself to dare James to make out with Lily.
So here they were, two barely pubescent kids trying to figure out how they could do this without it being awkward.
"Okay- count of three, just go." Lily said, suddenly nervous. "One, two- "
'Three' never left her mouth as James - being wracked with nerves and wanting to get it over with as soon as possible - pressed his lips against hers, trying to not slobber like people often claim their experiences involved.
He would come to find that he did not in fact, get it over with as soon as possible like he originally intended, as they kept going well past what was the necessary time for a make out session.
It was a substantial amount of time later, they broke apart, panting as Lily stared up at James beside her.
"Wow." He murmured reverently, hazel eyes wide and in a dreamy state that made him appear to be delirious. And all Lily had for a response to his breathless exclamation was her own mindless nod before she latched her hand on to his neck, pulling him down and igniting the spark between them once again. James would've been lying through his teeth if he said he didn't feel light-headed while his lips were attached to the redhead.
They fell backwards on the bed and his hand crept up to her cheek and caressed it softly, his body showing a level of expertise that he definitely did not remember ever possessing in his twelve years of age.
They were still showing no signs of stopping when a wooden rapping-like noise from the door, interrupting them. They jumped apart and quickly scrambled to opposite sides of the room.
Sirius barged into the tension-filled room with an obnoxiously bright smile. "So," he clapped his hands together for dramatic effect, "you've been in here for quite a while..." he said teasingly, waggling his eyebrows.
Lily shook out of her trance and rushed out of the room with an unnatural haste, causing Sirius's smile to somehow grow even more irritatingly stupid.
It had felt just like before. James knew that much.
He hated it.
She'd always been able to get the most reaction out of him. Every goddamn emotion, feeling- they were all magnified whenever he was near her. And he hated it.
He sat on the Astronomy tower, contemplating the redhead whom which he had a rather confusing relationship with. His knees were up, almost to his chest and his tanned arms were resting on it, his posture the personification of casual. His mind was anything but. Evans.
When he thought of Evans, there were goosebumps on his arms, wild and uncontrollable shivers overtake his body when he imagined those intense looks she gave him. A drug. And he was always either in withdrawal or in danger of overdosing worth her. When he felt as if he was okay again, he would see her walking around and he would feel the need to relapse.
Not even his first time had felt like the moments he had kissed Evans- or even when he was close proximity to her. She was dangerously addictive. She was a drug.
Like one of those muggle cigarettes Remus had introduced to the boys. Like the cannabis that they had went out and bought on a whim in muggle London.
She was a weakness.
A kink in his carefully crafted armor. A flaw in the plan. She brought to his life a humane fragility and James Potter... he couldn't have that. People regarded him as the least human, invincible. That facade wouldn't last for long with Evans in the picture.
He remembers the first day he met her but technically, he didn't meet her then. He barely spared her a glance as he and Snape shot insults back and forth at each other with Sirius joining in. The first class they had together - Potions - was a tentative space of time between the two of them, but they didn't fight. He remembered how she when she was just the redhead that was somehow friends with Snivellus. He thought her to be a strange girl. And in more ways than one, he was right. She was strange. But nobody else thought this, maybe it was because no one else felt there way he did about her.
Maybe because she was a puzzle to him. A mystery to figure out. How could a girl who defended Snivellus be such an honorable person? How could she protect a bigot against others' words and insults when she herself, was a muggleborn whom his friends targeted? How was she so calm yet so quick to explode? How was she so smart but at the same time so dense?
She was a walking contradiction. He'd pondered on these questions for the past few years and yet he never found an answer.
It was only recently, that those weren't the only questions he had, involving her. He asks himself how she made him feel such absolutes? How did she bring out the best and the worst in him?
For every time he looked at her, he felt a warmth bubbling in his stomach, filling it with something akin to butterflies. Whenever he talked to her, his heart beat a little bit faster. That moment that he and she had shared in this very tower was testament to his raging emotions for her. That was a moment of respite for him. A moment in which he was able to feel as if he was worth something again and that he had nothing to prove. She was a high.
Every time they yelled at each other; his hands would get clammy. Any time he saw her walking in the hallways, he wanted to do the most outrageous things just for her to yell at him, he wanted to see those lips move and those green eyes to spark and those cheeks to flush. He wanted to impress her, like a strutting peacock would try to so that they could find a mate, only, he told himself that he would never want her as a mate.
With every insult and berating for his impulsive actions, her face turned red, and her eyes flashed and he wanted nothing more than to shove her into a closet and take her until she passed out.
But luckily, when it came to sexual things, James Potter had self-control. Mostly. Lily Evans was a weakness for him and James Potter was supposed to be infallible.
And as for Lily Evans? She probably had no idea about his addiction to her. But regardless of her knowledge of how he reacts to her, she was still a weakness that he couldn't risk having, not right after suffering from another one that proved to be almost detrimental just earlier that year.