Chapter 6: Hands

"Lord… Lord?"

The voice sounded far off and hazy, like the source was talking into a jug on the other side of a closed door. It couldn't penetrate his mind, the man couldn't penetrate the fog in him. He laid, unmoving, in the field, mostly hidden in the long grass and wildflowers. His eyes glazed over and he didn't even look to be breathing. He was still half asleep, his mind teetering on the edge of consciousness. He wasn't sure how long it had been since he had snuck off. It was just too much. For too long, he'd gotten used to being surrounded by strangers, by slaves that fell dead around him and men that beat him into submission. Finan had been his only warmth for so long but even him, Uhtred couldn't take. They were free and Finan had been staring at him and Uhtred just couldn't take it. A few moments alone was what he wanted. But sleep had taken him and he wasn't sure how long he'd been there.

"Lord?" The voice persisted, moving closer and dropping a few octaves, barely a whisper. "You've been sleeping for over a day." The man said, as if reading his own curious mind. "Hild sent me to wake you."

He could see the man now, kneeling beside him and hovering above him. There was a memory there, recognition. But his mind was still hazy, he still couldn't react. He just lay there, staring. He wasn't entirely sure he even had the energy to move.

"Uhtred." The man reached out and touched his shoulder gently. "Please come back to us." He choked out, his voice quivering as much as his touch. He moved closer, leaned closer, and touched his forehead to his. "Come back to me." He whispered, his eyes closed.

Come back to me. It took a few minutes longer after that but finally, the boy's words broke into his mind. His voice penetrated the fog and Uhtred remembered. "Sssih… Sih… tric…" He stuttered over the name.

The younger man pulled away, his eyes wide. "Lord?"

Uhtred closed his eyes and breathed out, feeling as if he were sinking into the grass beneath him. But the sensation grounded him and helped bring him back just as much as the voice did. "You used my name… say it again…" He demanded quietly. His mind tried to remember if there was a time when the boy had ever called him by his actual name. Even in their first meeting, Sihtric had begged to speak to Lord Uhtred. Then after swearing loyalty, Lord had been all he used for the day they had been together.

Sihtric swallowed and leaned back. "Uhtred." He sounded equal parts nervous and excited. He looked like he was straining to keep calm and still when all he wanted to do was explode at the seams with happiness. Like a dog who saw his master again after being away for months for battle.

Uhtred opened his eyes and lifted them to look at Sihtric. The younger man was always like a lost puppy, since that first time Uhtred laid eyes on him, when he begged for his life and pledged his loyalty to Uhtred. He had looked into the boy's strangely colored eyes and trusted him instantly. He knew Sihtric wouldn't harm Halig. He felt the boy's pull, in that instant. They may have only been together for a day before fate forced them apart, but for that day, he had been Uhtred's shadow, always standing just behind him, loyal to a fault and ready to serve. Uhtred never realized how much the younger man meant to him, how much he'd come to rely on him, to trust him in such a short time. Not until they were separated. And now... he couldn't imagine a day without him again.

Sihtric fidgeted a bit under Uhtred's gaze. He dropped his gaze to his hands in his lap and started picking at his fingernails. He looked too nervous to say anything more. And that was a problem. Because the Lord longed to hear his voice after being so long without. Uhtred craved it. But he lacked the words or the breath to voice thus. Uhtred lifted his arm and he shook with the effort. He was a pitiful creature, a shell of his former self. They should all leave him behind. He was of no use to them. He couldn't even lift his arm to comfort his loyal puppy. It could be weeks or months, years even before he could wield his sword like he used to. If he ever would. He sighed and looked away. He couldn't face looking into those eyes and seeing the disappointment he was certain was there.

Sihtric grabbed Uhtred's hand before he could pull it away. He cradled it for a moment and Uhtred wouldn't have been able to stop him even he wanted. Sihtric leaned forward and touched his forehead to Uhtred's hand. The boy closed his eyes and breathed out, long and deep. It was just a simple gesture but it was comforting. It felt like home. They sat there like that for several passing, silent moments. Uhtred couldn't see them but he could feel the tears on his hand and again he marveled at the boy's devotion. He was blown away by it, by the mere idea of it. He head swam for a moment and he closed his eyes and breathed out.

A shadow fell across them and the intruder cleared her throat.

Sihtric dropped Uhtred's hand and pulled away quickly, like he'd been bitten by a snake. He kept his gaze lowered, not looking up at the nun, and quickly wiped at his face and sniffed.

Hild regarded him for a moment longer before stepping closer. "I sent you to wake him up." She chastised.

Sihtric collected himself quickly and looked up at her. "I tried, Lady, but he refused." He said softly.

Uhtred wanted to curse the woman for spoiling his moment. He was enjoying the quiet moment alone with his boy. He would never do such a thing, of course. He would never curse Hild. But still he reveled in the thought of it for a moment as he tilted his head back enough to stare up at Sihtric. "Traitor."

Sihtric's gaze dropped to his Lord's and for a moment, he worried he had actually upset the man he spent so long searching for and lusting after. But then Uhtred just smiled at him and the boy breathed out.

Hild smiled as she walked closer. She set a bowl of steaming water and a folded piece of cloth down beside them. "Make him, Sihtric." She commanded. "Up, Uhtred."

Uhtred narrowed his eyes into a glare that he pointedly directed at her. That didn't sit well with him. She smiled, laughed lightly, shook her head at him and that didn't help any. He didn't like her ordering around his Sihtric. The boy was Uhtred's to command and he was Sihtric's to obey. Sihtric leaned down towards him again and slid his hands under him. It wasn't an entirely unpleasant feeling. He was finding he rather enjoyed the boy's hands on him. But still, Uhtred tried to roll over and wave him off. "I can do it!" He snapped.

Hild laughed again as she knelt down. "No, Lord. You cannot."

Sihtric smiled as he continued to hook his arms under Uhtred. He pulled the protesting Lord up into a sitting position. He kept his hands firmly on Uhtred's sides, fearing he might fall just as much as he desired to keep his hands on the man for other reasons. "Watch out, Hild." He said, laughter in his voice. "He may bite."

"He will bite." Uhtred snapped, attempting to once again push Sihtric away but the pup just wouldn't leave him alone. Uhtred let out a sigh, relenting. It wasn't as if he wanted Sihtric to actually leave him alone. But he did feel the need to attempt some sort of normalcy, even if he didn't feel it. "Fine. I'm up!" He snapped, throwing up his arms. "I'm sitting up!"

Hild laughed and reached for the still steaming water. She stuck her finger in, testing it. "You need to be washed." She said, pulling her finger out. "Take off your clothes."

Uhtred turned to look at her, frowning. He was doing no such thing. He promptly shook his head. "I do not need your help. I can do it myself."

She shook her head again. "No you cannot."

"I can do it." Sihtric offered softly, his voice barely a whisper. He was staring down at the bowl and his face had darkened a shade.

Uhtred turned to glare at him. "I don't need your help either!"

Hild smiled again and stood up. "I do not care how it happens. Just that it does." She straightened her armor and turned to Sihtric. She reached over and patted him on the shoulder. "Good luck, my friend. You're going to need it. Here." She pulled a small pair of shears out of her pocket and handed them over. "Unbraid his hair and see that he gets a trim, too. Make him look presentable again."

Sihtric looked up at her and smiled again as he set the scissors down beside the bowl. "Was he ever actually presentable?"

"I can hear you!" Uhtred snapped. "Why must I keep reminding you that I am here?" He said, his voice sounding annoyed.

"Because you behave as if you are not." Hild said sternly, turning back to him. "If we must, we shall keep reminding you until you remember who you are."

Uhtred swallowed as he looked up at her. "I am ashamed of what I have become." He admitted softly, his voice barely a whisper. He dropped his gaze down to his lap, refusing to look at either of them. He turned his hands over and he stared at his palms, at the dirt and grime that felt like it was ingrained into his skin. He felt as if he'd never wash away everything that had been done to him since he'd been taken away. He would always be soiled, too dirty to touch anything again.

Hild reached down and grabbed his chin. She forced him to look up at her. "This was but a moment in your life." She said with a gentleness and sternness that shouldn't have been possible together. "It was an unspeakable moment. But you must forget it and move on. You must not dwell on it. Do not let it define you."

Uhtred breathed out slowly as she released him. He reached up and grabbed her retreating hand. "You are too good a woman for God alone."

She smiled as he released her. She touched his shoulder and turned. "Don't take too long." She said as she started walking away. "Supper will be in the pot soon and there will be no more meal skipping."

Uhtred watched her retreating form for a moment until she was gone. Then he sighed, long and loud as if in defeat, and turned back to Sihtric. The puppy was watching him intently, looking equal parts waiting for attention and command. "You can get on with it." Uhtred said a tad sourly. "I do not wish to anger Hild further nor do I wish to keep her waiting."

Sihtric didn't move and once again looked at Uhtred with hesitation. "Lord, if you do not want my help or my presence, I will leave at once."

"No." Uhtred said quickly and reached out to touch the younger man's arm, fearing he might flee. "I wish for you to stay."

Sihtric paused and tilted his head. "You do?"

"I will deny it…" Uhtred breathed out. "But you are both right. I cannot do it by myself. I require help."

Sihtric nodded slowly and glanced at where Hild had left. "I can get Hild if…"

"No!" Uhtred interrupted quickly and shook his head. "I want…" He fumbled over the words for a moment because he didn't exactly know what he wanted. He just knew he wanted Sihtric close. He shook himself and sighed. "Just get on with it! I want to be done."

Sihtric nodded and scooted closer. He made quick work of cutting off what was left of Uhtred's shirt from the front, keeping his gaze on the scissors as he cut. Then he leaned closer and eased the offending fabric off the man's shoulders and let it fall behind him. Sihtric leaned away and picked up the bowl of water and rag.

Uhtred watched the boy, keeping his gaze on Sihtric's face. The concentration on the boy's face stole his breath away and Uhtred willed him to lift his head. He wanted to stare into those eyes for just a moment. But Sihtric didn't raise his head and see how the Lord bit his lip.

Sihtric shifted around to Uhtred's back and settled down again. Sihtric sucked in a breath when he saw the deep lashes on the man's back. Some were months old and some looked just barely healed but they all looked like they had been painful. His eyes lingered the most on the S, crudely cut into Uhtred's shoulder and he felt anger flare for a moment. He regretted not having been captured along with his Lord and Halig. He might not have been much help but he would have readily taken each lash and cut for Uhtred if he could have. He dipped the cloth into the water and lifted it to Uhtred's back. He moved as gently and delicately as he could, washing away every speck of dirt and more.

Uhtred gritted his teeth and let out a hiss. It had been countless months since he'd properly washed and none of the marks on his back had been touched by clean water. He couldn't deny how good it felt and it wasn't just the water that made him feel like melting. He closed his eyes and gave in, leaning back against the touch and breathed out deeply. He wasn't completely in control of himself and he thought maybe a soft moan or two escaped him as well.

Sihtric breathed out steadily, trying to keep the sounds the man was making from affecting him. He dipped the rag into the water again and touched it to Uhtred's shoulder. He let his fingers graze the scarred skin as well, softly and delicately and he bit his lip. Then he finished with Uhtred's back and moved to his arms. He felt Uhterd's head turn towards him and the boy was sure his face was a few shades redder than he had been. He kept his eyes down as he washed each thoroughly, from shoulder to fingers. Then he moved around to the front and made Uhtred tip his head back. Sihtric dragged the cooling rag down Uhtred's neck slowly.

"How long?" Uhtred asked softly, breaking the silence. His head was still tilted back and his eyes were on the sky and he hated not being able to watch the boy.

"Over a year, Lord." Sihtric answered without lifting his eyes from the Lord's neck. "Hild… she never gave up. She didn't let any of us give up." He said softly. "She went to Alfred for help. We would have tried ourselves but having Alfred's name following us helped us. It was so long… it felt like forever…" Sihtric breathed out and pulled away, letting his hands drop into his lap. "I never gave up!" He swore. "I knew we'd find you. I knew you'd still be alive. I knew you'd survive."

Uhtred felt the loss of the boy's touch on his skin and lowered his head. He looked into Sihtric's eyes, so full of loyalty and pain and happiness and maybe something more. And not for the first time, he wondered if he ever noticed their beauty before. The left one, as brown as the earth beneath them and the other a stormy blue gray like those countless nights on the ocean. His eyes drifted lower, to the sharp angles of his cheekbones and to the strong line of his jaw and Uhtred wondered if he ever noticed the beauty there before. He smiled and lifted his arm. He touched Sihtric's shoulder and slid to the base of his neck. He took note of the way the boy's pupils enlarged for a moment at the touch. His gaze flitted back to where his thumb brushed against where the pale skin of Sihtric's neck met his tattoo. "You have a pretty skinny neck." He said, his thumb tracing the ink lightly.

Sihtric blinked for a moment, seeming startled or taken aback by the absurdity of the comment. Because it was a rather odd comment, coming from seemingly nowhere. But Sihtric wouldn't speak that aloud. He didn't want to offend his Lord. Or to distract him from the way he was still touching Sihtric. The boy swallowed and opened his mouth slowly. "But… it is a good strong neck, Lord." He said, his voice thicker.

Uhtred smiled again and left out a laugh, a loud and hearty sound that sounded more like himself. It left him breathless and for a moment, his chest ached. He leaned forward a bit, placing his weight against Sihtric as he still held onto the boy's neck. But it felt good. He felt good. Better than he had in… he wasn't even sure. He breathed in deep and slow until the tightness in his chest eased. He settled back down and looked at Sihtric again. He smiled still and rubbed his thumb along the boy's pulse. He could feel the rapid beat of Sihtric's heart and it only made him smile more. "Yes, yes." He nodded. "You are correct. It is a very good neck, Sihtric."

Sihtric didn't dare move. He hardly dared to breathe. Again, he didn't want to distract or offend. He wanted to allow his Lord whatever he wanted. Sihtric just had no idea what it was exactly that he wanted. He wasn't by any means a blushing virgin but he'd never looked upon someone so above him in every way as his Lord was. And Sihtric had fantasized about the man for nearly a year, practically since the first moment they met. He had built that very moment up in his head so many times, them being reunited. He swallowed and felt the fingers on his throat shift a bit, catching the movement as his Adam's apple bobbed. And then he bit his lip and that had been a mistake. Uhtred's eyes shifted, watching the movement. And Sihtric couldn't stand it anymore. In a swift and graceful motion, he leaned forward and captured his Lord's lips in a bit too forceful of a kiss. He was quick to bring his hands to Uhtred's neck and pull him closer, flush against him as much as he could.

Uhtred didn't react right away. He was honestly a little too surprised to react. He might have been having similar thoughts but he was too far gone to act on them. He never expected his Sihtric to move first. Sihtric brushed his tongue against Uhtred's chapped lips and it was too much. His head was spinning and he knew he would have toppled over if the boy hadn't been clinging so tightly to him. He managed to get his arm between them and he pressed it to Sihtric's chest. He didn't have the energy or the strength to push the boy away.

Sihtric got the hint. All too quickly, he detached and yanked himself away from his Lord. His eyes were wide and he looked like he wanted to run. Or hide. Or beg forgiveness. And at that moment, all three options seemed viable. But before he could move, Uhtred slumped forward, struggling to catch his breath. Sihtric's eyes widened more and his mouth fell open. "Lord!" He jumped up and shifted, moving to kneel beside Uhtred. He placed a steadying hand on his shoulder and another on his lower back.

Uhtred let the frightened boy hold him up for a moment while his head continued to spin and his chest constricted. It took longer than he would have liked to admit, but finally, his head settled and he breathed in easily. He nodded his head and looked at Sihtric. "I... am... fine." He breathed out.

Sihtric swallowed again and averted his eyes, looking ashamed. "I am sorry, Lord. I… don't know what came over me. I… I…" He stuttered over the words and shook himself. He pulled his hands away and made to stand up. "Sorry." He mumbled.

Uhtred reached up and grabbed his hand, stopping him before he even turned. "Sihtric." He said the name with a sigh. "Sit back down." When Sihtric didn't move, Uhtred repeated it, louder. "Sit down, Sihtric." He commanded and the boy dropped down in front of him again, though he was still staring at the ground. "Look at me." He waited until Sihtric once again obeyed before continuing. "I am not opposed."

Sihtric's eyes lit up and his mouth dropped open. "You are not?"

Uhtred smiled and shook his head. "I am not. But I am also not myself. I am far from it."

Sihtric's brow furrowed and shook his head. He leaned forward and grabbed one of Uhtred's hands in his own. He held it tightly in his grip and raised it to his mouth. He pressed a kiss to the Lord's knuckles shyly. "You are yourself. What Hild said is true! What King Guthred did to you does not define you. You will find yourself again."

Uhtred's eyes widened a bit as he watched the boy's movements and he smiled. "I am coming back to myself every moment I am with you. But that is not what I meant." Sihtric looked confused for a moment and Uhtred continued before he could ask. "My body, Sihtric." He said with a soft chuckle. "I am weak. I am not as I once was."

Sihtric's eyes widened and a blush crept across his pale skin, stretching down his neck. He dropped his eyes to the grass and let go of Uhtred's hand. "It is a fine body, from what I remember." He flicked his eyes back to Uhtred's and once again, his pupils were blown.

Uhtred had to force himself to look away and breathed out. "No, you cannot do that!"

"Do what… Lord?" Sihtric asked slowly, his voice an octave lower and thick. He knew exactly what he was doing and he was proud of himself for eliciting such a response from his Lord.

"You will be the death of me." Uhtred hissed out and shook his head.

"I can be gentle." Sihtric said softly, leaning closer. He looked up at Uhtred and tilted his head, batting his eyelashes a little.

Uhtred looked back at him, his eyes narrowing into a glare, and he pushed him away. "I will send you to fetch Hild."

Sihtric smiled widely as he leaned back. He shrugged and breathed out. "If that is what you wish, Lord, I will do whatever you ask of me."

"You are not to move." Uhtred commanded sternly. "But…" He lifted a finger. "No more. Another time." Because yeah, he needed to taste every inch of this boy. It had been far too long since he had felt any real stirrings in himself. But he also knew the state of himself. He was not very keen on dying. Though to die in such a way… He breathed out again and shook his head. "You're going to have to stop looking at me like that."

Sihtric smiled again and while he would love nothing more than to continue teasing his Lord, he would not. He would wait. Now that he had Uhtred's words in his ears, he could wait forever if needed. He smiled again, a softer, more relaxed vision. "I'm glad you survived." He said softly.

Uhtred eyed him a moment longer, making sure the boy had indeed stopped. "I almost didn't." He admitted softly. "It was too much for me. I don't know how much longer I would have lasted if you guys hadn't found me."

Sihtric nodded slowly. "But we did, Lord. I swear to you. I will always follow you. No matter where it may lead me. And if you ever get taken again, I won't stop until I've found you."

Uhtred smiled, a genuine, real, wide smile that stretched across his whole face. His lips were still chapped, the skin still broken and maybe a little bruised. It hurt a bit and he stopped. But for a moment, he smiled and Sihtric smiled back, his whole face lighting up. And maybe, that was better. And then he leaned forward, moving before he even realized it. He reached up and his fingers grazed Sihtric's cheek. He shouldn't have been initiating touching in any context, but he found he had trouble keeping his hands away.

"I'm sorry you were alone." Sihtric said softly, leaning into the touch.

Uhtred frowned for a moment and withdrew. He shook his head. "I wasn't alone." He said tensely. "Halig was with me…" He closed his eyes and shook his head. He didn't want to think about Halig at that moment.

Sihtric's eyes widened. "I'm sorry, Lord… I didn't mean…"

Uhtred shook his head and continued. "Finan was with us."

"Finan." Sihtric repeated the name sharply. He hadn't meant for it to come out that way but it had. He couldn't hide the distraught in his voice. "You trust him."

Uhtred nodded his head. "I do." He said simply. "With my life."

Sihtric looked away and breathed out. He had glimpsed it last night as well. There was something there, between the two men. He felt it was more than just a comradery between two who survived together. Something deeper lurked. And Sihtric had felt a red hot jealousy burning in the pit on his stomach, even if it took until that moment to realize exactly what it was.

Uhtred leaned closer to him again and reached out to touch his face again. He just couldn't stop. "I trust you, as well."

Sihtric turned back to look at him again and stopped. He leaned back a bit, straightening up. "Finan?"

"Yes!" Uhtred breathed out and pulled away again, sounding a bit irritated. "I shouldn't have to repeat myself. I trust Finan, Sihtric. He's a good man. My word should be enough for you."

Sihtric shook his head. "No, Finan." He inclined his head.