trigger warning

Chapter Six: Love, Now and Always, Remus

James, Peter, and Sirius were waiting outside of Dumbledore's office. Sirius leaned back against the wall. He was exhausted, far too tired to even bother trying to make out the words of the quiet conversation taking place in the office.

The door opened, revealing Professor Dumbledore. He looked old and tired, beaten down by life. There was no twinkle in his eye, no hint of a smile on his face. "Please, come in," he said, gesturing into the office.

Sirius stepped in, James and Peter on his heels. He glanced at the other man, standing in the center of Dumbledore's office. The man looked up, a sad expression on his face, defeat in his eyes. It was Lyall Lupin, Remus's father.

Before he realized what he was doing, Sirius had crossed the room to where Lyall was standing. "Mr. Lupin," he said softly, holding his hand out.

Lyall looked at him, and all Sirius could see was Remus staring back at him. He blinked back tears. "Sirius," breathed Lyall. He ignored Sirius's outstretched hand, and pulled him into a hug.

"I'm so sorry," whispered Sirius.

"Thank you," Lyall said. "I am too."

He stepped back and pulled a sealed envelope out of his pocket. He handed it to Sirius. "I found this in Remus's room. I assume it's from the summer."

Sirius glanced at the envelope. It had his name scrawled across it, in Remus's handwriting. He bit his lip and slid it into his pocket to read when he was alone. If they ever let him be alone again, that is.

At some point, Sirius didn't know when, Professor McGonagall had entered the room. They all gathered around Professor Dumbledore's desk. "As some of you know," he said, "we're here to discuss what is happening for Remus's funeral. Lyall?"

Sirius sucked in a harsh breath. He felt James rest his hand on Sirius's knee, and smiled gratefully.

"It's going to be this Saturday," Lyall said quietly. "On the castle grounds, just outside the wards." He looked at Sirius. "I was hoping you could say something?"

Sirius nodded quickly. "Of course."

"Thank you," said Lyall sincerely, to all of them.

"I'll keep you informed," said Dumbledore, "and let you know if there's anything else."

When they were back in the dorm, Sirius pulled out the letter. "It's from Remus," he said. "From the summer."

James looked at him sadly. "You want a minute?"

"Yeah." Sirius nodded gratefully. "Thanks."

"Of course. Let's go on a walk, Pete."

Sirius sat down on the edge of Remus's bed and opened the envelope. He slid out of the letter, written on a piece of lined Muggle paper in pencil, rather than parchment and a quill.

July 30, 1975

Siri,

If you're reading this, then I guess I'm dead. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough. I'm sorry I didn't try harder. I'm sorry for everything.

I don't think a letter is the best place to do it, but I've got nothing else, so here we go. I love you. I've loved you for so fucking long, and I'm pretty sure I'll love you forever. Surprise, I'm gay. Never thought I'd be able to say that out loud. Well, I guess it's writing, but still. You know.

If you're reading this, you're probably in shock. I'm sorry I never said anything. I just got so used to bottling everything up, even when it hurt so badly. I never thought I'd go to Hogwarts. I never thought I'd have any friends. I never thought anyone would care.

I've got so many secrets. I'm sorry. It would take too long to tell them all to you. If you find anything out after I'm dead, then I guess it's what's important. If you don't, it's probably better left unsaid.

Long story short, I'm so fucking depressed. And it's gotten so much worse. Pile on a shit ton of other issues, and I can't see a way out. Even cutting only helps so much. I can't keep doing this, Siri. I can't. It just hurts so badly.

Tell James and Peter that I'm sorry. I really am. Don't think it's selfish. Don't fucking pity me. I don't want it. I don't deserve it. It all hurts too much. I can't keep doing this. I'm sorry. But I don't regret it.

Love, now and always,

Remus

Sirius was sobbing uncontrollably. The writing was shaky, and there were a few dried tear drops on the sheet. Remus had clearly been crying when he wrote it. He dropped it on the bed and stood up, his face in his hands.

He turned, suddenly, and punched the wall next to the bed, screaming loudly. "Why? Why, Remus?" He sank to the floor. "I miss you, Remy," he whimpered. "I miss you so much."

He sat there, crying, for a few minutes. He heard the door open cautiously, and quickly wiped his eyes. "Siri?" asked Peter. "You ok?"

He and James hurried over to where Sirius was sitting on the floor. They quickly joined him, one on either side, comforting him. There wasn't much they could do, but they could be there for him. And Merlin knew he needed it.

Sirius looked up at James tearfully. "It was a note. From last summer. He- it- it was a suicide note."

"Oh, Remy," breathed James, pulling Sirius into a tight hug.

"He- he said to- to tell you a-and Peter that he was sorry," Sirius sobbed, leaning weakly against James. "He- he said h- he loved him, and he always would." Sirius looked up at James. "But he said he hated me." He was crying harder. "That was the last thing he said. He said 'I fucking hate you,' and that was the last thing he said."

They were all crying now. Sirius was sobbing loudly and shouting. James was crying quietly, trying to act like there weren't tears streaming down his face. Peter pulled his knees up to his chest and sobbed into them, wrapping his arms around himself and leaning against Sirius a little bit.

It hurt so fucking badly. There hadn't been anything before that hurt like this. And Sirius didn't know how he would be able to get through it.

A/N:

did i cry at the end of writing this? don't worry about it

ugh i feel like ✨ shit ✨ but that's not important so we're going to ignore it. i fucking hate my school so much. i hate it. i just want to be relatively ok for once in my fucking life. is that too much to ask? i literally haven't been actually happy since before 8th grade, because ~ ~ i fucking hate it i fucking hate it i fucking hate it

might fuck around tonight, who knows. i honestly don't know what i'm doing with myself anymore. i fucking hate myself. why am i such a shit person honestly

i'm sorry ignore me

drink some water, take ur meds, smile, tell urself one thing u like about urself. ur doing amazing and i'm so proud of u. i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn