Hi I'm Lemmy!

Right now I'm stuck at home and bored because of the Corona virus! I thought at first we would only be at home for a week or a month or so but then I saw on TV that it said that we were going to be stuck at home like this for a YEAR at least!

A YEAR! I could run out of fun stuff to do at home! And that means that I won't get to visit the Yoshi's Wooly World theme park!

I cried when I found out. I haven't cried this hard since... since Toys R Us went out of business last year! Or was it the year before?

Anyway I've only been out of school for a couple of days and I thought I could have fun time at home with Iggy but instead he's been acting really weird and locking us inside our room while talking to his pals on the internet and sometimes leaving his room to play that fighting kings game with Ludwig.

I thought, why don't I learn to play Fighting Kings with them? All I have to do is pretend to be an elf or a dwarf or a troll or something... oh right! I've got a Christmas elf costume! I get dressed in it and I leave my room to go play with Iggy and Ludwig in the dungeon.

Ludwig was dressed like a Magikoopa, and Iggy was dressed like a damsel in distress. They were playing with those fun die that come in fun shapes like pyramids and octahedrons and icosahedrons and dodecahedrons... I mean hedra? And also with cool dragon and wizard dollies made of metal on a game board.

"Ooooh, can I play? Can I play Iggy huh?"

"Can he play Ludwigsama?" Iggy asks. "We could use more than two players..."

"Very well... what is your race and occupation?" Ludwig asks as he picks up and stares at my elf hat.

"Oh I'm an elf! I'm Hermey, the elf who wants to be a dentist!"

Ludwig puts my hat down and clutches his face in shock. "A dentist you say? Sorry but you will have to pick up another trade. The dark art of dentistry has been banished from our realm!"

"Oh... ok then. What say you, Iggy?"

"D-d-did you sssay..." Iggy gulps nervously, "E-ELF?!"

"Uh huh. That's my race I guess-"

Iggy screamed and hid behind Ludwig. "G-get BACK in your black helicopter and go back to planet Mercury! There's plenty of craters there to satisfy your sick fetish of stuffing holes with hydrargyrum alloy!"

I sigh. Iggy is in that special state of mind again. Maybe that Mercury Attacks! movie we rented from Redbox was too scary for him and he got traumatized. Guess I'll have to go play by myself.

Since Iggy is not around I think I will have the kind of play time that I only want to do when no one else is around. The kind that I sometimes hear Iggy doing in the bottom bunk with his big pillow with the anime girl on it when we're in bed and should be trying to sleep but he keeps me up all night. Except that I don't do it with a pillow or when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

When I have grown-up all-alone happy time I like to do it while playing make-believe. I like to pretend that I am a little kid and I got kidnapped... when I was little King Daddy would yell at me and get mad whenever I wandered away from him when we were at the mall and tell me scary stories about how I could get kidnapped and when I was little I thought the stuff that he told me about what happens when they kidnap you was just made up stories that grown-ups tell little kids to scare them into behaving, but when I grew older I discovered that what really happens when you get kidnapped is even worse!

I also wondered about Kids R Us which I guess is cancelled now just like Toys R Us. Anyway Toys R Us sells toys so doesn't that mean Kids R Us sells kids? And Babies R Us sells babies? Actually Kids R Us mostly just sells clothes for kids and Babies R Us sells clothes and other accessories for babies but what if Kids R Us DID sell kids?! What if it is secretly the place where kids go when they are kidnapped to be sold? I wonder about this as I dig through my toys to find all the dollies I want to play with.

The guy who manages the Kids R Us is going to be my ventriloquist dummy, Puppy. I named him Puppy because when I was little and just learning to read I got the word "puppy" confused with the word "puppet" so I checked out a book about puppets from the school library thinking it was a book about puppies. I was disappointed and I threw a fit when I finally found out it was actually about puppets. But later on I learned to love puppets and now I have all kinds of puppets like hand puppets and finger puppets and marionettes and dummies like Puppy here. Puppy is not actually a puppy or a dog unless I make him wear a puppy suit and pretend that he is Hush Puppy from Lamb Chop but today he is going to wear a fake mustache and a name tag and his name will be "Voyadt" spelled in Russian letters.

Meanwhile I am going to put on my backwards R hat and be Mister Я. That's pronounced "Ya". Like the backwards letter R in Toys R Us. Mr. Я is a frequent shopper of the R Us franchise and right now he wants to buy a kid from Kids R Us. He is also a creepy, "stranger danger" kind of man and if he tries to give you candy you should NOT take the candy. You should run and tell your parents or somebody.

I also smear my face with green makeup. I know that greenface is racist to Martians and other peoples that have green skin, but that's appropriate for Mr. Я because he is racist against green people too.

I am also going to record my playtime with a phone and make it into a movie. Don't worry I won't record the really icky parts. I'm going to use movie magic to cheat with making the dummy and the other dollies talk because you see I'm not an expert ventriloquist... I believe you have to have a Ph. D to do that. Maybe that's what I'll major in when I get into clown college.

So as Mr. Я I begin by visiting Kids R Us. Mr. Я goes to the counter where Voyadt greets him saying "Hello valued customer, and welcome to Kiddies R Us! My name is Voyadt as you can see from this here name tag. How may we be helping you today?"

"My name is Mister Я and I came here to Kiddies R Us for to be purchasing some kiddies. You sell kiddies here at Kiddies R Us no? It is right there in the title."

"You... you think we sell actual kiddies here at Kiddies R Us? HA HA HA sir, you are kidder! We do not sell kiddies here, you want kiddies you go to goat farm."

Mr. Я says, "Oh no no no you are mistaken sir, you see I come not for kiddies as in little goats, I meant kiddies as in little boys and little girls."

Voyadt laughs even louder. "HA HA HA sir, you are even more of kidder than I have thought! Kiddies R Us is not in business of selling little boys and little girls. We only sell little boys' and little girls' CLOTHING. Like these. See?" Voyadt shows off my collection of doll clothing on little doll hangers and also on dolls that had lost all their arms and legs and heads so that they look like those poor dismembered mannequins you see displaying clothes at the department store. "Here in boys' section we have nice Peter Pan outfit and nice Pinocchio outfit. Your little boy will look so very handsome. And here in girls' section we have Alice in Wonderland dress and Pippi Longstocking dress complete with long stockings and whole collection of Disney Princess and Tinkerbell dress. You want little boys and little girls sir, you go to orphanage."

I get out a toy phone for Voyadt and I make Voyadt dial a number on it. "Say I am quite hungry. It is almost noon after all, time for lunch. There is pizza restaurant down the street. Can I do you favor and order you something?"

Mr. Я says "No thank you I'm not hungry."

Voyadt says "Oh but I insist. Pizza place has got really good sausage pizza, but they also make real good calzone if you know what I mean." Voyadt winks at Mr. Я (Puppy is one of those dummies where you can move their eyes as well as their mouth to make them wink or blink) and then Mr. Я understands what he's REALLY talking about and he's not talking about pizza at all.

"So are you more of calzone person or do you like both like I do or can I only interest you in slice of sausage pizza?"

"I would prefer slice of sausage pizza, thank you. I am not really much of calzone person."

Voyadt leads Mr. Я into the back room - the secret place where little boys and little girls are kept. I bring out the little boy dolls to show Mr. Я so he can pick one out. The boy dolls include a naked Peter Pan doll and a naked Pinocchio marionette.

"So which slice of sausage pizza" Voyadt says with a wink, "interests you most sir?"

"Hmm I like this one." Mr. Я points to a hamster doll, one that looks like Rick, Kirby's hamster friend - you know, from Kirby's Dream Land? "What's your name?"

"L-Lemmiwinks," I make the hamster dolly say, "B-but you can call me Lemmy for short."

"Good choice!" Voyadt says. "That will be ten thousand Monopoly dollars."

I get the Monopoly money out of Mr. Я's wallet and stuff it into Voyadt's pockets. Voyadt pesters Mr. Я as he leaves saying "Wait! Before you go would you like for to buy some kiddies' clothes?"

"Oh yes I almost forgot! I would like to take entire collection." Mr. Я throws more Monopoly bills at Voyadt.

"Thank you! Come again!"

I drive Lemmy the hamster home in a doll-sized Barbie convertible. It's like driving a tiny clown car so good practice for clown college I guess.

"So tell me little more about yourself Lemmy," says Mr. Я, trying to act all fatherly.

"Um, well, I'm eleven years old, and in sixth grade... I'm in room six, the special ed classroom because I have learning disabilities... I'm ADHD... and I've got other problems... My birthday is May... some time near the end of May, I forget which number, numbers have colors to me and sometimes when the colors look the same I get the numbers mixed up... they never taught me about the backwards alphabet in Russia so don't get mad at me if I have trouble reading it but I would like you to teach me please, I love alphabet letters especially when they're weird or special in some way..." See I'm basing Lemmy the hamster on me but he's younger and even more ditzy and confused but also smarter about some things and a bit more mean and mouthy.

"I see, so are you into sports like other boys? Or are you more into dolls and playing dressup?"

"Oh I love dolls and puppets, the other boys think it's weird but I don't care. My dream is to one day go to clown college and complete a Ph. D in Ventrilo...quillo...ology."

"A Ph. D in what?!" Mr. Я spits out his plastic fake bottle of alcohol drink as he says this. He thinks this is really funny. He laughs like I imagine King Dad or my brothers might laugh if I told them about this.

"Well it sounds really hard... the professionals make it look really easy but I know just from the kind of name it has that it's got to be a lot of hard work with knowing tough technical knowledge. I mean at first I thought it sounded like what you call someone who fixes VCRs or something."

"Right you are, not anyone can be a ventriloquist. Some people just aren't smart enough or are slow and need extra help. But you lucky little boy, you won the adopted dad lottery because guess what? I happen to be Ph. D ventriloquist myself! And I can help give you head start, how you say, give you internship."

"Really?" Lemmy is so happy and bright eyed to hear this, but too naive to tell that he's lying like Honest John from Pinocchio.

"Yes, but first off I must let you know, in the business, nobody gets to put their hand up inside dummy without first being dummy themselves. That is to say, you cannot be puppeteer without first being puppetee... eh, puppet."

"Oh but how can I be a puppet?"

"I am going to put you in movie. Being actor is a lot like being puppet. Is good practice. You ever wanted to be movie star?"

"I dunno... kind of I guess... I always thought it would be nice... but can you really make ME a movie star?"

"Your sugar papochka Daddy Я happens to be billionaire. He has his own private plane and movie company, is called Mondo Studios in Mondo district of Special Zone. He can buy his little boy anything he wants. In fact he already bought you playplace from what you call... ehhh, Chucky the Cheese Rat? Was fun place where kiddies go for to eat pizza and play casino using fake money, I think now they are soon to be cancelled like R Us franchise before Papa Я invested big stonk in R Us. And then your sugar Papa invested in Game-o-Rama - big mistake! Papa got scammed by gang of nerds from green supremacist hate site Digibutter dot nerr.

But Lemmy wasn't listening, he was too busy going wow over the fun Habitrail cage that Mr. Я got him. That's right, I bought a hamster cage just to use as a doll house for my hamster dolly.

"It's a whole Chuck E. Cheese play place! It even has a ball pit!" The balls are just rubbery marbles I mostly got from those machines that are like gumball machines but instead of gumballs they dispense capsules filled with toys or stickers or tattoos or keychains for a dollar. "But where's the arcade games? Where's the Hungry Hungry Hippos? Where's the singing animatronic Chucky and the gang?"

Mr. Я sighs like he's fed up with me being a whiny brat already. He gets out a pocket version of Hungry Hungry Hippos. "Here! That's your Hungry Hippo game." He gets out some handheld electronic game from the 90s - it's kind of like a Game Boy except that you can't put a game cartridge in it so you can only play the one game that's built into it, which is some kind of football game. Lemmy the hamster tries to play it but it doesn't turn on and he looks outraged when he sees that it runs on double A's.

"What the heck was WRONG with electronic toy manufacturers in the 90s?! Everything runs on double A, are you kidding me? I know the 90s were the Dark Ages, but they weren't the Stone Ages! Double As are behind the times even for the 90s - I watched the Brave Little Toaster so I KNOW that they had appliances for adults that could charge on an outlet! Why didn't they make any of the kids' toys chargeable on a wall outlet?!"

Mr. Я groans and rolls his eyes; he's gathering the stuffed animals for the animatronic show that Lemmy asked for. "Because back during 90s adults were more strict on kiddies and making their toys dependent on batteries gave adults control over means of production - er, playduction...? This was how you say it, stick and carrot... discipline. The double A is like carrot. If little boys and girls do not behave themselves then no battery for them. But parents of current year are more lazy, more permissive, do not want to deal with brats screaming to buy more batteries every time they run out of double A, so now they make everything with batteries you just plug into wall for charge.

"Here you go, there's Chucky Rat, and his friends Birdie the bird and Grimace the purple Cookie Monster and Hamburglar the... Italian pizza chef? Is that right?"

"These aren't Chuck E.'s friends! They are McDonald's characters!"

"Sheesh, sorry. Was it real Cookie Monster and diddle me Elmo you wanted?"

"Never mind. Do you have Guitar Hero?"

"That reminds me... you will be needing to learn how to play air guitar for movie role. I got air guitar right here." I bought this one from Larry. He seems to think that he ripped me off because he doesn't know air guitars are real. "But you cannot see or feel or hear air guitar until much later in your training as ventriloquist. Got that?"

"How can I play it if I can't see or feel or hear it?"

"Is real simple. Is air bass guitar. You know nothing about bass guitar? All you have to do is pluck same string over and over. You only need worry about rhythm. Yes like that. The string at bottom. Is too low pitch for you to hear right now but when you go to ventriloquist school you will have ear training. Got that?"

"Why does this remind me of a book I read called The Emperor's New Clothes?"

"Because you don't understand quantum physics behind... how virtual particles create... like Schrodinger's cat that is there and not there at same time..."

"Virtual particles? If they're virtual that means they're not real!"

"No it doesn't, it means... they are like how you say... imaginary numbers. They might not be real, but they still work for to do real math with them which means they are not really fake... which means they are kind of real... or not but that it does not matter that they are not real because..." Mr. Я yawns. "...ugh I cannot do metaphysics this late in evening. You want to understand, you go read Kant or something. We got movie to shoot tomorrow. Good night!"

In the morning Mr. Я makes Lemmy dress up in an outfit that I stripped off from some kind of Sailor Moon doll. Lemmy asks, "Mr. Я - I mean, Papa, why are you making me wear an anime schoolgirl outfit?"

"Is not anime schoolgirl outfit! Is HMS Pinafore outfit!"

"But why do Japanese anime girls wear it for their school uniforms?"

"Eh, my guess is Japan did that to get back at Gilbert and Sullivan for ripping off Japanese kimono outfit for Mikado. Reason why you wear sailor outfit is for to sing Good Ship Lollipop. If you sing good you will get lollipop."

"But I don't know how to sing good..."

"No worry. You will be dummy in my hands. I will make you sing just like I can make dummy sing. All you have to do is move your mouth without talking and tap dance. Got that?"

"Uh huh."

The audience is a bunch of creepy looking old teddy bears and clown dolls. I play a tape of the song in my Hello Kitty cassette player and make Lemmy tap dance while lip synching while being cheered by the teddy bears.

Mr. Я is jerking his wiener while Lemmy does this. I record the creepy Joker faces he makes while doing this.

"Bravo Lemmy! They love you! Look here is my friend Ivanushka the bear with lollipop for you! And lollipop for me too!"

They are the kind of lollipop that is pointy and twisted like a unicorn's horn. I make Lemmy open and eat his right away.

Later on when they are at home Mr. Я decides to eat his but he eats it in a strange way and it gets caught inside one of his pipes. He goes "Um, Lemmy?"

"What is it Mr. Papa Я?"

"Your sugar Papa was eating lollipop when it broke off stick and got caught inside... Sugar Papa need tiny paws. Could you do sugar Papa favor by reaching inside and pulling broken lollipop out?"

"Out of where?"

"Out of here." Mr. Я pulls down his undies and shows Lemmy his butthole.

"You want me to pull it out of your BUTT?! EWWWW..."

"Please would you do it for sugar Papa? You are gerbil, you surely have crawled up many butts before?"

"I am not a gerbil! I am a hamster!"

"Whatever, same difference. This is emergency! Sugar Papa's butt is choking! This is not emergency for 911 because 911 doesn't have your tiny hamster paws for to pull it out!"

So I stick Lemmy's hamster paws inside Mr. Я's rectum to pull the lollipop head out. Mr. Я does not let him see that he is jerking his wiener while Lemmy is pulling it out.

"M-Mr. Papa Я, sir, how did you get your lollipop up inside your butthole?"

Mr. Я comes up with a lie: "Oh, um, when you go through puberty and become adult, you grow teeth inside butthole and butthole becomes second mouth for to eat things."

"Oh... I didn't know that! But if you were eating it why was the lollipop wrapper still on?"

"Time for bed! You have new song for to play at movie shoot tomorrow!"

So in the morning Mr. Я dresses Lemmy in an Alice in Wonderland dress and a Pippi Longstocking wig and gives him the air guitar to play a song that he wrote called "Big Boys".

"I... love big boys, tra la la... I love big boys..." Lemmy stops for a moment because he forgot what the lyrics were, so Mr. Я, hiding behind stage, sticks his hand up Lemmy's butt to help him remember.

"Big boys don't... yank my pigtails... Big boys don't... think that I've got cooties... Big boys like to give me lots of candy... Big boys tell me I'm a cutie! I love big boys!"

Lemmy gets cheers and applause from all the creepy teddies and clowns in the audience. Some of them say things like "I'd like to go down her rabbit hole!" and "Hey Pippi! I'm gonna need one of them LOOONG stockings!" Lemmy doesn't understand what they mean but he likes the attention and the candy that all these big boys give to her.

"So, Lemmiwinks, do you like being girl?"

"I... I guess... I like wearing girls' clothes anyway..."

"How would you like to become real girl?"

"Um... I don't think that can happen... boys have a penis, girls have a vagina, and you can't change that..."

"What if I told you that yes you can?"

"R-really? What do you mean?"

"You know, like how Blue Fairy can make Pinocchio into real boy? She can also make you into real girl."

"Really? Wow, I would love to know what having a vagina feels like! So all I have to do is wish upon a star and she can make me a real girl just like that?"

"Only if you are good boy."

"OK! Dear wishing star, I wish that I were a real girl... uhh... amen."

Lemmy goes to sleep and Mr. Я then decides to do surgery on his private parts. You see, I had given him a wax penis and balls, so all I have to do is replace it with a wax vagina.

When Lemmy wakes up he says "Wow I feel funny... wait!" Lemmy pulls down his jammy bottoms and sees that his peepee parts look different.

"It worked! The Blue Fairy granted my wish! Mr. Papa Я! I have a vagina now!"

Mr. Я doesn't show Lemmy but he's feeling himself inside his own jammy bottoms. "I told you. Now that you are girl we cannot call you Lemmy anymore. Lemmy is boys' name. How about we change name to... Lemma?"

y

"So now that you are girl, that means for next movie shoot you can be Peter Pan!"

"But Peter Pan's a boy! How come I have to dress up as a girl when I'm a boy and a boy when I'm a girl?"

"Eh what you talking about? Peter Pan has always been played by girl."

Lemma gets dressed up in a Peter Pan costume and has strings tied to her to make her into a marionette so that she can fly like Peter Pan. The teddies and clowns cheer for her and some of them touch her more and Mr. Я even sticks a finger inside her wax vagina.

"Mr. Papa Я, sir, why are you putting your finger inside my new vagina?"

"Oh... I am just making sure Blue Fairy did good job at making you new vagina."

"Could you please not do that?"

"Only if you can promise not to screw up your lines in tomorrow movie shoot."

For the next shoot Mr. Я dresses Lemma up as Pinocchio and strings her up like a marionette again to sing a new version of the Pinocchio song. He also dresses her up in a Pinocchio outfit that is so tight on her crotch that it gives her a camel toe so everyone can see her new vagina on stage.

"I've got no balls, to make me male, la da di da... uuummm..." Lemma got booed for forgetting the lyrics.

Mr. Я snatched Lemma from behind and dragged her backstage to yell at her. "That was HUMILIATING! You PROMISED Sugar Papa that you would remember lines! You DO want to become expert PhD ventriloquist do you not?"

"Y-yes, but I-"

"No but's! Because you cannot remember lines that means training will take longer than I thought. For a much longer period of time you will not get to be puppeteer, but rather will have to be puppet. Because you are DUMMY, I TREAT you like DUMMY!"

Mr. Я sticks his hand back inside Lemma's vagina to make her talk. "Gee whiz, Sugar Papa Я, sir, what will happen to me if I no like being dummy puppet muppet?"

"Glad you asked, dear Lemma. If you do not like having hand inside for to be used as my dummy muppet, Sugar Papa will have to take dummy back to Kiddies R Us for to exchange for new one. And you know what happens to defective dummy muppet little boys and girls that nobody wants to buy at the Kiddies R Us?"

"What oh what Sugar Papa dearest?"

"Like how Pinocchio gets turned into firewood, you dearie will get turned into mannequin. You see poor dolls and dummies at the Kiddies R Us with arms and legs and head cut off? They were all little boys and little girls once JUST LIKE YOU."

Mr. Я makes Lemma make an expression of shock. "Golly... well guess that means I will have to be good little girl for Sugar Papa! Say Sugar Papa, guess what?"

"What is it my sweet sugar baby?"

"Now that I am little girl I am growing little girl titties!"

Mr. Я feels Lemma's chest. "You are right! You know what that means? We will have to take you to Kiddies R Us to try on and pick out training bra!"

Mr. Я takes Lemma back to the Kids R Us and says to Voyadt "Hello we are here to pick out training bra. Lemmy got sex change so now he is she and her name is Lemma."

Voyadt shows them over to some headless Barbie and Ken mannequins. The Barbies are mostly displaying Ken clothes while the Kens have been squeezed into Barbie clothes. Lemma picks out a Hello Kitty sports bra worn by one of the Ken torsos when Mr. Я spies a new addition to the Kids R Us store: a Russian matryoshka doll. Ludwig gave it to me as a present when I was little.

"What is THAT gorgeous thing you got there?"

"Oh this?" I turn Voyadt's eyes toward the matryoshka doll - he's got a hole in the back of his head and holes up near his eye sockets so that you can move his eyeballs around. "Why, that is one-of-a-kind antique Chinese box sarcophagus containing dear old babushka of mine, fresh dug up from home town in Taklamakastan. You dig?"

Voyadt takes the top off to show that there is a smaller one inside, and then takes that one off to show that there is an even smaller one inside, and so on. Mr. Я says to Lemma, "This will be great for to train you in escapology - see, ventriloquist degree requires you to take elective class in magic trickery and or sleight of hand of some sort. This gives you good practice to escape from casket inside casket inside casket, wrapped with chains and locked, and thrown inside shark tank. You can practice for to escape from it like Houdini!"

Mr. Я takes out his wallet full of Monopoly money and asks, "How much for set of ornate nested coffins?"

"Oh I am sorry sir but this antique is not for sale. Did you not hear me at the part when I said this contains grandmummy inside?"

Voyadt opens up the last doll. I covered it in honey and wrapped it with toilet paper.

"Excellent! I will take mummy too! Name your price."

"I'm NOT selling my grandmummy! Not for any price! We had her MELLIFIED for crying out loud! She is like time capsule full of sweet sweet sweetmeats for to be opened in one hundred years and I plan on opening for to eat up and have yummy mummy in my tummy just a couple decades early..."

"OK... how about you take grandmummy out and put her in freezer for a bit and just let me borrow antique Chinese box style sarcophagi? Pretty please with sugar and spice and everything nice on top wink wink?"

"Well I do have favor to ask if you please..." Voyadt's eyes darted from side to side a couple of times like the eyes of one of those Felix the Cat clocks. "You see, I have been wanting to do how you say, eh, a dog and pony show... and by that I mean dog and pony PEEP show." Voyadt gets into his Hush Puppy costume as he says this. "But you see my pony partner... and by that I mean pardner with a "d"... if you know what I mean... bailed out on me and I need new one."

Voyadt hands Mr. Я a horse puppet to put over his head and some pantyhose with horseshoe magnets pinned to the ends to put over his hands as a Charley Horse costume. Mr Я. says, "You drive hard bargain, comrade Voyadt... but antique set of Chinese box sarcophagi is too elegant a supervillain trap for elegant supervillain such as myself to pass up!"

"Chinese boxes is even more elegant than Chinese finger trap, no?"

"Speaking of finger throw in one or two mellified lady fingers and it's a deal!"

Mr. Я in his Charley Horse costume puts a saddle on Hush Puppy Voyadt's back and giddies up onto him. "I'm gonna ride you like a cowboy."

Mr. Я sticks his fingers inside Voyadt's head and he howls like a puppy. "HOWLHOWLHowlhowlowowowl... skullfuck me harder than that, my little pony!"

"There ain't nothing little about my little horsecock!" Mr. Я sticks his wiener inside Voyadt's head and uses it to make his eyes blink uncontrollably and his mouth to chomp up and down.

Voyadt then tosses Mr. Я on his back and jumps on his belly and puts his mouth near Mr. Я's wiener. "Now I'm gonna go 96 on you!"

"Is 69 not 96! How ever did you learn Russian alphabet with that kind of dyslexia-OWH!"

Voyadt starts chomping on the wiener. "Gonna gnaw this boner like a bone... ruff ruff! Like a rawhide bone! AWOOOH!"

Mr. Я whinnies and starts clopping his magnet hooves on Voyadt's doggie butt.

"You know, Comrade Я, when I said I wanted dog and pony peep show by peep I meant Little Bo Peep... where is her sheep?"

This means that Lemma will have to dress up in the white wooly sock costume to be Lamb Chop.

Voyadt says, "Hurry up and get that sheep costume on! My butt is hungry for tranny gerbil!"

"I am NOT gerbil!" Mr. Я makes Lemma talk like a ventriloquist dummy in saying this.

"Oh no you are not Lemma, right now in fact you are mutton!" Mr. Я shoves her inside Voyadt's butt and uses his hard wiener to get it in harder because it's a tight fit. But then his wiener finally squirts the milky goo out and becomes soft which means that Mr. Я will have to use his hand until he can get hard again.

All of a sudden Iggy opens the door without even knocking. I snap out of my playtime dark fantasy world like a deer caught in the headlights. "Uh! ...h-hi Iggy... how was your fighting kings game?"

"Oh it was great! How was your, uh... OOH are you playing with your dollies again? Can I play? Can we finish up where we left off last time we played Kangaroo Court?"

"Uh, NO... you can't join... I'm not playing, I'm, um, studying..."

"Oh, I see, you're studying the anatomy of ventriloquist dummies?"

"Yeah I gotta learn how to do CPR on them and all that if I want to study ventriloquism in clown college..."

"Wow, I had no idea ventriloquy was that involved of a major!"

"Yeah and it's hard work, I gotta know a lot of stuff, it's almost like taking pre-med or something, I'm worried that I might not be cut out for it..."

"Don't sweat it Lem, you're not in clown college yet... take it easy, and take your time and maybe explore some of their other majors, like uh, balloon sculpting, or lion taming, or contortionism, or coulro-cosmetology... please don't pick that one..."

"Actually I'm thinking of instead of getting a PhD I'm just gonna get a Ring Master's Degree..."

"Ring Master's? Isn't that like conducting, where you have to wave a little stick around? Not sure about that one, Ludwig says being a conductor is a LOT harder than it looks..."

"Can't be harder than playing air guitar," I mutter.

"It's called a theremin, Lemmy... Oh wait never mind I confused Ring master with Ring CYCLE... that's the name of that long boring opera that Ludwig loves so much where the fat lady sings at the end. Now where's my lappie, Francis is beginning a livestream right about now..."

"So if you love Francis so much why don't you two get married?"

"Oh, are you kidding Lem, Francie would never commit to something like that... even friendship is hard for him to commit to, in fact I think he's on the verge of dumping me as a friend... and he's not into dudes anyway, the only way he's marrying me is if I become a tranny sex cyborg."

"Wait... you and Francis are having friend troubles?"

Iggy sighs. "His silence on my last couple of social media posts has been DEAFENING. Maybe I'm just paranoid, maybe he's busy and even has other friends now who are more than just parasocial, b-but... maybe we're drifting apart, maybe we just don't like the same things anymore, I mean he's into sex dolls while I think they're creepy, we're simply not on the same page but I'm afraid if I say too much about it he'll dump me for sure... oh hey! Maybe you can break the ice with Francis? I'll bet the two of you will be good friends, you're into a lot of the same things, why, you're both into fucking dolls..."

My eyes widen in shock that he knows that. "S-say what?!"

"If you wouldn't mind doing me a favor and... even if you have to make a sockpuppet account so he doesn't know it's you, just talk to Francis online? Maybe bond over your common interest in sex dollies and ask him in an indirect way? Maybe even catfish him and pretend you're a hot babe?"

"N-not right now... first I've got to, uh, go study a bit more of, uh, internet sockpuppetry in Larry's room... his room has the phone reception... later!"

I get out my ball and hop on it and head on over to Larry's room. Mainly because I want to see if he still has some of his special brownies stashed away under his bed; the ones that make me see swirly colors and fall asleep.