Story: Haze, Chapter 6

Sorry everybody, my grandma passed away due to a stroke last week, so I've not been feeling very well lately. Updates will probably not be as frequent for a while.

...

Sakura had always been one to watch her diet, scolding herself when she ate unhealthy foods, but currently her vengeance against food was worse than ever, as she couldn't even stand to look at the plate that was brought into her room later that day after Ino had left.

"You know, you really should try to eat, Sakura. I know you probably don't want to, but you need something on your stomach." Tsunade said, urging her to eat something. She could easily tell that Sakura hadn't been eating much at all, and she could even go as far as to say that the girl had been starving herself. Whether it was out of lack of self-care or an intentional avoidance of food, however, she still had yet to know.

"I'm not hungry." Sakura said simply, not turning to face her.

Tsunade let out a small sigh, knowing that there was only so much she could do. After all, she wasn't going to force it down her throat if she didn't want to eat. Still, she wished there was something she could do.

"Can you at least talk to me? Is it the food you don't like? If there's something else you'd want instead, I can work it out with the staff." She offered.

"No, it's not that… I… I just can't… Everything I put in my mouth always just makes me sick… It…" Tears welled up in Sakura's eyes as she hesitated to continue. She pulled in on herself, hiding her face. "It always tastes like him… I feel so disgusting every time I… I can handle water, but that's about it, and even that's… I'm sorry..."

She couldn't finish her sentences and left things vague, but with enough context for Tsunade to be able to draw the connection.

The blonde's eyes softened, as she reached a hand up to comfort her student. "Don't apologize… I understand… I just wish I could do more to help you… If only I had noticed something before that happened, maybe I could have stopped it from-"

Hearing Tsunade be so open and honest with her quite frankly caught Sakura off guard. She turned to her master, a pain-filled expression on her face.

"No, no, Shisshou, please… Don't say that… None of this your fault… You've already done more for me than I could ever make up for. You always continued believing in me even when I had doubts in myself and you taught me so much about how to be strong, yet all I've done is gone and make you look bad by letting that happen and ending up in this place..."

"Sakura, you have done nothing wrong." Tsunade quickly insisted. "You're a survivor. I know it probably won't make much difference hearing me say this, but there's no reason to feel shame for that."

At hearing that, Sakura briefly looked into her eyes, as if contemplating her words, and, for the first time, almost felt inclined to consider them. After all, Tsunade wasn't the type who said such things unless she meant it wholeheartedly.

If only she could see in herself what everybody else saw in her.

She looked away again, and didn't say anything for a long period of time. Finally, after what surely felt like hours, she spoke back up again, in a low voice, her nervousness all too obvious. "...Shisshou… I wanted to get tested, just in case I'm…"

...In case I'm pregnant.

She couldn't even finish the sentence, but Tsunade knew what she meant.

Tsunade gently placed a comforting hand on the top of her head, sending a surge of warmth through Sakura's face and chest. Sakura had always secretly considered Tsunade to be like a mother to her, but right now, it was hitting like a ton of bricks. Her teacher was always so nice and compassionate when it came down to it. She had an extremely soft side which she only showed on occasion beneath her tough exterior and that more than made it enjoyable being around her.

Tsunade gave a broken-hearted smile. "...If it's what you want, Sakura, then I'll be right here with you… okay?"

She was more than grateful when Sakura, with apprehension, finally uttered out a small, "...okay."

…

Kakashi wasn't by any means a stranger to nightmares. Even now, he still had the occasional vivid dreams of his hand sticking through Rin's chest, blood covering his arm and the expression on her face, her voice coughing out his name in her last moments, all before she collapsed in his arms. But one he hadn't had dreamed of in a while was of his father.

And yet, now that his own student had tried to kill herself, it somehow caused the memory of finding his father dead on the floor in a pile of his own blood to once again come back full force in the moment he accidentally found himself drifting off due to exhaustion. Needless to say it was not a good reminder.

The helplessness he had felt back then was indescribable, and it felt like he was right back at square one, having failed to stop somebody important to him from trying to take her own life. Although it was true that Sakura was alive, it didn't make the feeling any easier whatsoever.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. He leaned back in his chair, as he tried to calm his screwed up nerves.

"Hm?" He looked up when he saw a messenger hawk flying towards his window.

It seems Sasuke must have responded.

He didn't even hesitate for a moment to take away the paper from the bird. The message was short, but somewhat reassuring at the very least, and yet, judging by the scratchy handwriting, it appeared to have been written in a rush, making it clear that Sasuke was just as concerned about his teammate as the others were:

I'll try be back in a couple of days. Just look after her in the meantime.

…

Sakura was no doubt relieved when the results came back as negative, but the temporary happiness was almost immediately replaced by the familiar feeling of dirtiness she had become all too used to by now. Whether she was pregnant or not didn't change the fact that she had still been...

It could never take away the memory of him pushing himself inside of her.

She had had her virginity stolen from her for absolutely nothing! She was nothing more than some damaged goods now. Disgusting. Worthless. Ruined.

Tsunade quickly recognized the expression on her face all too well, whispering a soft "come here" as she gently offered yet another embrace that day. Sakura surprisingly found herself relaxing at the comforting gesture.

For just a little while, part of the girl tried to tell herself maybe it would be alright, but immensely found herself annoyed when the overwhelming urge, to not only rip her skin to pieces, but also scrub herself raw in a shower until she cleaned all of the filth out of her body, began to consume her like a burning flame that continued to grow stronger as it ate away at her chest.

Once again, that same old voice in the back of her head started screaming out "I want to die" over and over again. The most she could do to barely avoid scratching her own arm was grip at the fabric of Tsunade's shirt, she felt so helpless against the thoughts inside her head.

She hated it. She hated being this weak, but the self-loathing and memories were unbearable.

"You're so beautiful…"

She just wanted it to stop.

"Relax, we're just having a little fun..."

She wanted to stop everything. His hands wouldn't stop touching her, they continued groping and exploring her body. The smell of alcohol filled her senses.

"Oh, don't give me that look... I can tell you want this just as much as I do. See, you're just like me when it comes down to it."

She wanted to stop thinking, to escape everything inside of her head.

She need to stop breathing.

…

A/N: It will get better, I promise, but it's gonna be a while. Recovery doesn't happen over night, after all. I am enjoying writing mama!Tsunade way too much, I'm sorry… I can't help it.