Dearest Teddy.
I don't know how to start this letter; it's been eight years and I still don't know how or what to write. I don't know if writing to you is silly or not but I have to hope that you know what I'm doing because if you don't, I don't think I could take it. I'm not a religious man Teddy, you know that. I am not one to sit down and write letters either, I am much more hands-on.
I am writing this though for two reasons. The first reason is to say sorry. I am so, so sorry Teddy. In life you showed compassion and reason and love but, in your death, I showed none of that. I lost myself and quite possibly the family. I am sorry because I have failed you. A father is supposed to protect their daughters, keep them safe from harm regardless of their age. I failed though, you died and I couldn't do a god damn thing. To this day I ask myself why you stood up to the robbers, I ask why it had to be you that sacrificed their life, you were just a kid. My kid. You were twenty-five years old! You had so much life to live. No father should outlive their child. You know when you were first born, I was terrified, a boy I could handle but a girl? I was surprised that I could get your mother to love me in the first place. Now I had this tiny little girl who wanted to play dollies and dance parties and at one point I wished you would grow up but now I would kill to have those days back. To have you running to the door screaming my name because you missed me. I think I'm starting to forget the sound of your voice.
The day you turned thirty we celebrate the life you could have had but I did it the wrong way. I started to drink, all in all, I thought I could keep it together. I thought that I was handling it but that one drink turned into two, into three, and so on. I didn't think it was an issue at first, one drink a night wasn't an issue, right. Yet I started to oversleep, I was driving with alcohol in my system. I had lost, I guess. It wasn't until Pj found me passed out on the floor that I realized. I have never seen Pj mad, not really but that night he lost it. I think he punched a hole in the wall, he kept screaming that I was being selfish, I tried to tell him it was just one drink but he wouldn't let me weasel my way out of it. He called your mother and before I knew it, I was on my way to a treatment facility. It was torture Teddy but I didn't want to lose the family. So, I stayed and I got sober. I am currently a year sober and whilst it's hard everyone is there to help, especially your mother. I don't know how she does it, how a woman can lose a child and still be as strong as she is. So yes, Teddy that's the second reason I am sorry because I let myself fall in your name.
I'm going to wrap this up now because I have an AA meeting to get to.
So, Teddy, I hope you are okay and at peace, I hope that one day we will meet again.
Love you so much and I'm so proud of you,
Dad