Adam was sitting at his desk, staring at Kim's empty one. The last month she'd left early on a Wednesday, and usually didn't come back until Thursday morning. The only reason she had the previous week was they had a raid and needed her there for it. Voight shut them up as soon as anyone asked questions, and it wasn't his place anymore to ask her why. She seemed fine at the weekend when he picked up Makayla for their days out, but that Wednesday at the raid her eyes were red and her voice was hoarse.
They finished up what they were working on before heading home, the trail for gangland killers going cooler by the hour. They were waiting for either a break in the case or another body, and Adam was antsy sitting and waiting. This was the part of the police work he wasn't good at, reading files and working out the links. It didn't come naturally to him, much as he tried to learn it.
When he got in the next morning Kim was there already, her hair pulled back off her face. He'd watched her reactions for so many years he could tell she was rattled, and got her a mug of coffee on his way back from the break room. Her appreciative look made him smile, and he sat at his desk for another day of staring at screens and data. Maybe he needed reading glasses to put up with all of this.
He didn't notice people coming and going, staring intently as he was. It wasn't till his stomach growled that he realised it was nearly two, and he'd pretty much missed lunch.
"Anyone want food?" There was refusals from Jay and Kevin, and he didn't see the other two members of his unit. Adam grabbed his coat and went down the back stairs before realising he'd yet again begun to overhear a discussion between Kim and Hailey. Every bone in his body was screaming for him to leave, but he stood still to hear if Kim was ok.
"I mean it's hard, you know? I feel stupid, like my life isn't that bad and I shouldn't have this." Kim's voice was low, and Adam knew the slight wobble well enough to know she was trying to hold everything in.
"It's an illness, Kim. I think that makes half this unit diagnosed with it. Jay once pulled a gun on me when he was in the middle of a bout of it, and I don't hold it against him. He has it from Afghanistan, I have C-PTSD from my childhood. We've both done the therapy thing, and it really does help."
"It's been a big help. It's been a month and I already feel better. I didn't realise just how much guilt I was carrying around about everything?"
"You've nothing to be guilty for, Kim Burgess. God I think you're the most by the rules cop in this unit." He heard Kim laugh, immediately knowing it was fake sounding but she probably meant it.
"It's not even work related really. I still blame myself for the miscarriage." Adam inhaled sharply, shock on his features as he listened. "For almost three years I've told myself it's my fault. That I caused it. But I didn't know he'd attack my stomach. I did what I had to do to save a teenager. But I still do a bit. Deb is definitely helping with it. And with all my Adam feelings."
Adam felt a rush of guilt at listening in. Kim didn't want him to hear this, didn't want him to know about it. He immediately started humming a song he'd heard on the radio that morning, alerting the women to his presence.
"Kim, Hailey." He nodded as he came close to them. "I forgot lunch was a thing. Either of you want food?" He was expecting a no, but Kim stood.
"Yeah, I could do with something. The deli down the street work?" Adam smiled, nodding.
"Perfect, I just want something to help mop up the amount of coffee I've drunk today. You sure you don't want anything, Hailey?" The senior detective shook her head, going back upstairs.
Their walk to the deli was quiet for the first while, but the silence wasn't awkward. It felt like back when they were just friends again. When they made it in the front door he held it open for her, and Kim leaned into him in a semi hug. They ordered and paid, and it wasn't till they were on the way back to the precinct that she spoke.
"I started going to therapy." The words hung in the air for a moment, Adam not sure she'd said that to him.
"That's great. It can help, you know? I did it after the Disco Bob stuff and cutting him out." Once he realised he couldn't be his father's enabler anymore he knew he needed to talk to someone without alcohol being involved. Therapy had helped him, not just with his dad but with his feelings around Kim and their baby and everything.
"Yeah? I didn't know. I've had…I've had a lot of stuff floating around in my head. Stuff I blame myself for even though I should know not to. It's been really nice to get rid of that for a while." They'd reached the back entrance to the precinct, and they scanned in before sitting at the table beside the cage to eat.
"That's what it's for. The shit we see? We need to talk it out or we'll break. I saw my therapist after the close call last month as well. Nothing like nearly dying to make you know you need your head straight." Adam huffed a laugh, but stopped at Kim's crestfallen expression.
"Kim, I'm fine. I'm fine thanks to you. You saved my life that day, you know that, right?" She nodded slowly, not looking fully convinced.
"I know. I just…you know that Avengers film you made us watch? How Black Widow said she had red in her ledger? That's how I've been feeling. I've killed on the job. They've all been good shots, they were all objectively the right call, but I've killed. I still blamed myself for Blair's death when he worked with Kelton. I'm learning to not blame myself for the miscarriage, but I've held onto that guilt for years. I want to get better, you know?"
They sat and ate in silence, Kim's words playing over in his head. Get better? He'd worked it out from the snippet of conversation he'd heard between her and Hailey - a conversation he'd never admit he'd heard under pain of death - and it hurt him that his Kim could be in so much pain. He thought they belonged to each other, flannel shirts and jeans and lazy weekends, but he hadn't seen how she was hurting.
"Wanna talk about what you need to get better from? Cause my mind's racing that you're really sick, and I know we've got our crap, but I do care about you Kim." He put the last bite of his sandwich into his mouth, nearly missing her low words.
"I have PTSD." She looked at him, her eyes almost daring him to run, to hide from the crazy woman. But he sat right there and waited for her to speak.
"My therapist is a psychologist too, and she thinks that I had acute anxiety disorder before the miscarriage. So many traumatic things happening, never really getting a chance to breathe. But then once I lost the baby it developed into PTSD because I never really learned how to deal with it. So I'm learning how to. But it's hard." He put his hand over hers, squeezing gently before letting go so she knew he was there but was trying to give her the space she needed.
"I don't know, I've never had to go through something like that. But what I do know is you need time. And if you want to talk about it, I'm at the end of the phone. We lost something together, y'know? Maybe I can help you through it."
Kim wiped her eyes, unwilling to let the tears fall while she was at work. "Yeah, maybe? I've learned I'm pretty bad at communication, though. I want to be better at it." They sat in a comfortable silence until Kim's phone buzzed, and she stood to go back upstairs. They arrived back up, not noticing the looks each member of their team was giving them.
Adam kept an eye on Kim every Thursday, now that he knew what was happening. He'd pick up her favourite fancy Starbucks drink before coming into work, leaving it on her desk, or offering to pick her up lunch when he was heading out. She'd started working through lunch on Wednesday and he wanted to make sure she was eating.
It was the week before Christmas, and they were settling down for the time off. Officially they had ten days, but they were warned to stay in Chicago or close by in case there was a case for them. Voight was the exception to the rule, preparing to fly out to spend the holidays with his grandson, Olive, and Olive's new husband.
"Ruzek, what's your Christmas plans?" He popped his head up to see Hailey asking him.
"Eh…beer and football? I might pick up a steak to cook. Why?" He watched as his friend spun around the room pointing at everyone.
"Kevin's spending it with his brother and sister, he's off the hook. Halstead and I are on our own for Christmas because Will is working, you're on your own, Kim what's your plans for you and my favourite niece?"
"Christmas movies and chicken. We did it last year."
"And Kim's spending her first proper Christmas with Makayla eating chicken instead of turkey. You're coming over to our apartment. I'll cook the turkey and do stuffing and gravy. The two of you bring sides. We can have Christmas movies on and after dinner the guys can watch football. Best of both worlds?" Adam looked over at Kim, waiting for her to give the go ahead.
"Sure. I guess we can do that. What time do you want us there for?" Kim asked, so Adam nodded.
"Yeah, sounds good. I can make mashed potatoes and green bean casserole. That work?"
"Turn up for two? What'll you bring, Kim?"
"Mac and cheese and roast potatoes and carrots. Want me to pick up a pie as well?" She put a note into her phone for what she had to do, but Adam cut in.
"I'll get one. Apple work?"
The four days to Christmas dragged for him, but it finally was Christmas morning. He'd bought some craft kits for Makayla and he'd even wrapped them, just about. It wasn't neat, but there was a label with her name on it. He'd prepped all the food he was bringing, and got it ready to bring to Hailey and Jay's apartment - and that was a weird thing to think.
He got a hug from Hailey when he arrived, and nodded to Jay, handing over the bag of food. They'd done a Secret Santa among the unit, but he didn't want to turn up empty handed. He gave Jay a six pack of beer he knew they liked, and slipped Hailey a Starbucks gift card. He'd a matching gift card for Kim, too.
One of the best parts of when Kim and Makayla arrived was the huge hug he was given. He hadn't seen Makayla the previous Saturday because he was Christmas shopping, and he'd missed their weekly trips out. Getting to see Chicago from a kid's perspective was completely different, and he loved it.
"Happy Christmas! This is for you." She held out a neatly wrapped box, and Adam could tell Kim had wrapped it. He ripped open the package, and when he opened the box there was two tickets to the next Blackhawks game, near the ice. He grinned and gave his pseudo goddaughter a hug, mouthing "thank you" to Kim who was looking on fondly in her t-shirt and sneakers, reindeer antlers on her head holding back her curls.
"Well, it looks like there's two tickets here, and I know a little Miss who's a Blackhawks fan? Wanna check with your Mama if it's ok for you to come with me?" Makayla immediately turned to Kim, pouting.
"Please Mama? Can I go with Uncle Adam? Please?" As soon as Kim smiled she was excited.
"Of course. You'll have so much fun, sweetie." Adam watched Kim press a kiss into Makayla's hair. When she turned around, he handed over his presents to her.
"Happy Christmas Makayla. Enjoy." He watched as she opened them, pulling out the three craft sets he'd picked. He spent longer than he'd planned in the toy aisle, before a mother of three had taken pity on him and pointed out some her kids liked. He'd gotten an archaeology one, a knitting one and a paper weaving one for her to try.
"This is SO COOL. Mama when we get home can I play with them? Thanks Uncle Adam." He got another hug, and Makayla settled in on the couch where Jay had put Miracle on 34th Street on. Instead the adults congregated in the kitchen part of Hailey's lounge, getting all the food ready. Adam palmed the gift card to Kim, who smiled and handed him one to his favourite pizza place.
They all sat around the table and ate, poking fun at each other as they did. It was casual and light, and just what Adam needed after the last year. Once everyone was full and Makayla was starting a sugar rush, he did the dishes for Hailey and left, a smile still on his face from the day. He and Kim might not have belonged with each other, but they could still spend time together and that had to be enough for him.