Summary: Angela tries to make sense of Tony's behavior over the past few months.
I can't keep up with him.
One minute he's ignoring my problems in favor of every other woman on my volleyball team, then he tells me I'm one of the strongest women he knows and calls me a sexy babe.
A week later we're shamelessly flirting on a beach in Florida, and a few hours after that he gets uncomfortable when I try to get the moment back.
I really don't know how much longer I can handle this. I can say with a healthy degree of certainty that we've never been closer than we are now, but it seems Tony is stubbornly refusing to allow things to move even a fraction of an inch forward. I know I agreed in Jamaica to put things on hold, but I didn't count on my feelings or the intensity that sometimes erupts between us to grow so fast. The last few months have been so idyllic, I just don't know how we can keep ignoring what's becoming so obvious even Sam saw it.
But Tony takes one step forward and then two back. He blatantly flirts with me in front of Ernie, and then doesn't even hug me when I leave on a business trip. He acts appalled that I'd let the girls at the gym believe we're a couple, goes on a date with a Barbie doll, and then has the audacity to get jealous when an obnoxious neighbor in tennis shorts hits on me. He strolls with me along the boardwalk in Atlantic City, with everything about his behavior signaling much more than friendship, yet denies there's anything unorthodox about our relationship when I'm concerned about the kids' "sibling" rivalry.
What am I supped to make of all this? I want to respond when his actions are encouraging, and sometimes I do. But I'm also afraid of pushing too far, especially after his reaction to my "come on" while we were in Florida with Sam for spring break. And I was really only fooling around in order to get his mind off worrying about Sam and the other kids. But in Atlantic City, there were a dozen moments when we were standing so close, sharing our own private world, and all I would have had to do was lean in a fraction more to kiss him. I wanted to so badly, but didn't, and neither did he. Why not? What are we so afraid of?
But to be fair, there's also a lot more going on that really is more important to me. I think sometimes, when I find myself becoming too analytical, I forget the happiness and contentment I feel on a daily basis. The closeness between us isn't just teasing me with the vague promise of more – it's also the reason so much feels right in my life now. No matter what is going on, Tony is right there, front and center, taking on one of the many roles he plays in my life.
It was "Tony my counselor" who helped patch things up between Mother and me after the debacle with Braden. I felt pride for "Tony my best friend" when he discovered his calling in education. And I cried when my son payed tribute with the accordion to the only father who's been there for him. I can't even put a name to the role he takes on when issues such as family counseling need to be addressed. What do you call someone who shares every aspect of your life – well, except one – and who is there for the exciting times and the mundane, and who knows you almost better than you know yourself – but who is not a spouse?
Tony is so many things to me, and means so much. I truly don't know what I'd do without him. And that's what makes it all worth it. All the anxiety and uncertainty, all the side-stepping and tap dancing. It's all balanced by the fun and laughter, the support and encouragement. And as long as the slightest risk remains that we'd lose some, or heaven forbid all of that, I will enjoy every moment as it comes and trust my advice to Sam: Sooner or later we'll talk about things again.