Here's the last chapter for this… I hope you like this and I hope you liked the story over-all. Here we go.
The night after my nan had been buried I just couldn't fall asleep. I laid turning from side to side, to my back and to my stomach and then my side again but I just couldn't get comfortable enough to drift away and I watched the clock go on and on.
Then, as soon as I thought I might be something reminded me about what had happened and I was wide awake again.
My eyes had gotten used to the dark and I could see the room as clearly as if it had been light. Also the boxes I hadn't yet opened.
I knew they had in them what I had chosen myself I needed from my and nan's old flat but I yet hadn't even thought about opening them and sorting the things out.
Yet I still knew I'd have to return to the flat very soon. Before the next rent would have to be paid and empty it all along.
I really wouldn't mind to just burn it down.
But the only thing that had kept me going, and would keep me going there was the memories of how happy I had been with mum there. And knowing how she'd grown up and loved every little corner.
With the thoughts about my mother and seeing on the insides of my eyelids how mum had been there for me one night like when I laid awake and watched the time go by…
All of a sudden, I saw in front of me clearly what laid wrapped in a dress in the carton nearest the bed. And as silently as I possibly could have, and almost without deciding what to do I stood up and opened the carton, then picked up the dress and unfolded it to find my old teddy bear that I held towards my chest with one hand while I closed the carton again with the other hand and then went to lay back down.
Just as I reached the bed I realized I didn't feel like lying down, instead I sat up and pushed myself from the side of the bed and leaned against the wall until I sat with my knees pulled up and with both hands holding my old, soft bear half towards my chest and half towards my chin.
I couldn't even remember I had packed Barley as anything I needed to save. I just knew he had been put far towards the back of the wardrobe not to have to look at him and act like I hadn't needed an old stuffed animal for years.
The last couple of weeks, as well as tonight really had been and would be the time to just accept the facts. Also the fact that Barley's soft fabric-fur towards my chin and in my hand felt good…
Also kind of accept finally that everything I had said the last time I saw nan alive. I didn't regret one word and knew more for every second that I had meant each and every one of them.
How I wished I had said those things sooner. When I could have made her feel like I had felt, or at least one single bit of it.
So somehow, in the middle of everything I accepted I needed to change, forgive her if one wanted to use those words. After all, now the only way to make sure she didn't keep hurting me…
…not forgiving is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Suddenly one of all wise things mum had told me passed by and without even thinking about it I felt just a slight smile forming on my lips while I could hardly even keep my eyes open anymore…
"They're now buried right next to each other…" I pretended that Barley could have understood what I was saying. Maybe I was telling mostly myself. "…Do you think my mum would have liked it if I went there and planted some flowers. I know their favorite kinds…"
Just as I laid down again I felt in all of me that there was nothing that would have ever made my mum happier and to peace than knowing I was as well as could possibly be.
And just right away I knew this would be where I'd have to start.
I hugged Barley closer and my tears came rolling down my cheeks and onto his head when, for the first time I could remember didn't try and force them away.
Random fact
I struggled some with the ending, and figured that would be the best ending. I hope you liked it.
I love that expression- not forgiving is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die… It's actually true. Isn't it?