Reading the messages from Vasily that lit up her cell phone, Red was grateful that they weren't talking directly. That he couldn't hear her right now, and that she didn't have to immediately respond. She leaned back against the wall in her hallway and clutched the phone tightly against her heart. Disbelief and profound sadness coursed through her veins, as she wished more than anything that she had the ability to change what was happening. She'd been able to accept all the unfair and painful things she herself had endured, but somehow she had naively expected her innocent and beautiful grandchildren to be spared anything less than what she'd want for them.
Discovering Koyla was sick with a chronic disease that would affect him for the rest of his life was completely shocking, when his mother had only thought she was taking him in for an unfortunate stomach virus. Lida had brought her son to the hospital after work, and then had messaged Vasily to join her when the Doctor told her how serious this was. Just a few days ago they'd been celebrating Koyla's birthday with lots of cake and ice-cream, and now they would have to learn how to count carbs, prick his fingers, and give injections of insulin.
"Don't worry about the other two. Let me know what else I can do."
Her reply sounded about as uncomforting as she felt, but it was all she could bring herself to type out before tears brimmed in her eyes and she had to stiffen every muscle in her face to keep from crying. In her experience, she knew that life was just a lesson in realizing how much you could endure, but it wasn't something that a little boy should have to learn. It wasn't something that Red had wanted any member of her family to have to know, it was why she had always tried to spare them from the hardest things. She gladly would have sacrificed herself once again if it could have worked that way.
"Come Vera, let's go to bed," Red struggled to keep her voice even as she slipped her phone into the pocket of her sweater and walked into the living room.
Cartoons were on the television and both granddaughters were half watching it, half rolling around on the floor together. Emilia was doing tummy time on her play mat, but she didn't like it much, so Vera crawled around to do it with her. This made the baby laugh and, despite her sadness, this made Red smile as well as she picked her granddaughter up.
"Baba, I get to go to bed here?" Vera asked eagerly.
"Yes, you get to have a sleepover," Red replied.
In ordinary circumstances, she would have loved the opportunity to care for her grandchildren all night long. Though the prospect of keeping them because her son and daughter-in-law were at the hospital with Koyla, put a bittersweet taste in her mouth. It wasn't fair, though it was what they had to work with.
"Can I sleep in your bed?" Vera asked, as she trailed after Red into the kitchen.
Emilia was going to need some milk before she went to bed, but she was usually nursed. The frozen pumped milk in the freezer was only for emergencies, which of course this counted as, but try to explain that to a baby. Her rosy little lips began to quiver immediately as she sensed what was happening. Watching as her Grandmother set about to defrost the milk under the warm tap and sterilized a bottle.
"Emmy doesn't like those," Vera pointed out.
"I know, but your mama has to take care of your brother tonight so she's just going to have to be brave," Red replied.
If the baby adamantly refused to take a bottle, then she could use the syringe trick to shoot the milk into her mouth. Thinking far back, she could remember that Vasily's aunt had needed to do that with him, when they'd thought Yuri had the measles. It was a hard place to be, in between two children who needed you, and Red already knew that she'd never tell Lida if Emilia had a rough night. There was no sense in it.
"Let's get you changed for bed," Red suggested, poking at the bagged milk a little more to speed along the de-thawing.
She had Emilia on her hip and Vera tucked her little hand into hers. She ushered them down the hall to the bathroom where she brushed Vera's teeth and took the elastics out to let the red hair she'd inherited from her flow loosely down her back. Emilia, she changed on the counter and then slipped into a footed sleeper with lambs printed all over it. Vera didn't have any pajamas, they hadn't been prepared for her to spend the night. They'd make a trip over to her house tomorrow for all the things she'd need for at least a few days at Baba's, but for now they settled for a t-shirt of her brother's that hung to her knees like a nightshirt.
"I look like Koyla!" Vera exclaimed happily.
"You look adorable," Red agreed, kissing the top of her granddaughter's head.
"Let's go find a story," she suggested.
Vera picked out an old battered Robert Munch from the bottom shelf of the family's wall of books. They got into bed and Red gave the baby a giraffe teether to chew on as she began to read. She focused on the story, trying to temporarily push down her worries about Koyla, as she concentrated on how wonderful it was to be snuggled between her two granddaughters. It was all she had ever wanted, and in the couple months that she had been home, she had centered her whole self around them.
They made everything make sense, gave her a whole new clarity on life. Whenever she felt anxious and overwhelmed by what she was going through, all the changes she was still adjusting to, she could love on them and get lost in their innocence. Her grandchildren knew nothing about where she'd been and what she'd been through. They just knew that she loved them and had become a central figure in their lives. It was a role she cherished most of all.
"Shhhh," Red soothed the baby, who began to grow fussy by the end of the story.
Vera had fallen asleep before she even finished. Her eyelashes still fluttered in her dreams, and Red gently disentangled herself from the little girl's grasp. She covered her with the blankets and then took Emilia out of the room with her. Down the hall, past the photographs of old, and some she'd put up recently. Yuri's bedroom door was closed like he always left it on the nights he was working.
"Alright, Miss. Emmy, let's see what you do," Red murmured as she went back to the kitchen to check on the milk that had defrosted.
She poured it into the bottle and warmed it up to the right temperature. Emilia screamed when the bottle was put in her mouth and tried to use her little hand to push it away. She was stubborn and particular to what she was accustomed to. Each failed attempt at getting her to take it, required her Grandmother to rock and soothe for several minutes just to calm her down again. She was too young to be away from her mama all night, which was a true testament to just how serious Koyla's condition was.
Though eventually Emilia began to tire and her refusal was giving way to hunger and urge to suck. Red sat down on the sofa and laid the baby down on her side, finally offering the bottle from the same position that Emilia would ordinarily lie in to nurse. This time it worked, and by the time Dmitri walked in the door late that night, the baby had finished the bottle, been burped, and was sleeping contentedly in her Grandmother's arms.
"Did you hear?" Red asked him.
"Yes," Dmitri replied, shaking his head sadly. "Poor boy."
Red sighed as she slowly got up and carried the baby back to her own room. She had a little portable crib they used for naps during the day. She settled Emilia down to sleep and then she checked on Vera who was sprawled out in the center of her bed. Quietly, Red gathered up her own pajamas and carried them down the hall to take her shower, just to discover that Dmitri had beaten her there. She sighed again and sat down resignedly on the little bench the kids used to reach the sink to wait.
"My thoughts are so scrambled now," Red said. "What do we say to him? What do we say to Vasily and Lida? How much is this all going to cost?"
"Did you say something, Galina?" Dmitri poked his head out behind the shower curtain.
"Nevermind," she bit down on her bottom lip.
She continued to let her thoughts run wild though. Wondering about what was going on in the hospital. Thinking about baking treats and the fun of Halloween, all the things that she didn't think her grandson would be able to experience anymore. Even if they could find a way to accommodate his disease, it wouldn't be the same. He'd never get to enjoy another carefree ice-cream cone on a hot summer day or indulge in a craving without having to plan way in advance. It broke her heart and it worried her, even more as her financial worries compounded. Their family did okay and Vasily and Lida both worked hard, but this was something entirely unprecedented. She wanted to help in every way she could.
"Who's going to watch the store tomorrow?" Red asked, taking her turn under the hot spray of water a few minutes later
"We can put a sign on the door," Dmitri replied. "I'm not up for it tomorrow, and I know you aren't either anymore."
She hadn't been down to the store or really had much of anything to do with it since she came home. She couldn't quite explain to herself why. She supposed she simply was afraid, as much as it hurt to admit that. Fearful that she would fall right on her face if she tried too hard to assimilate back into actual society. Worried that she could no longer belong and feel like a normal person anymore.
Splashing some water on her face, Red knew that that wasn't a good excuse, especially now but really always. If she continued to shirk her responsibilities, then she wouldn't be any better than Dmitri leaving everything on her shoulders nearly all of their married life. She was able to work and contribute, there was no reason that she should not. Lida had been juggling the children and the store long before Red had come home, and Red had managed to do the same with three rambunctious boys just as well.
"Don't put any sign on the door," she announced, coming back into the living room after her shower. She settled down in an armchair, and rested her chin on the silky fabric of her blue pajama pants.
"I'll take care of everything tomorrow," she elaborated.
"And the day after that?" Dmitri asked hopefully, peering over the top of his newspaper.
"You're just afraid I was going to make you work," Red scoffed.
"No, I'm just glad to see my Galina coming back," Dmitri smiled. "Maybe sometimes things fall apart so they can be put back together again better.
"I could see why someone in your shoes might feel that way," Red said a bit stiffly, hugging her leg to herself a bit more tightly.
Dmitri's life had never fallen apart the way hers had, unless you counted losing his cook and maid. He'd moved on with his life, she knew he'd found comfort with other women. Dmitri had never had to know the pain of being separated from family. Watching relationships begin and end, babies born, and all the other milestone growths that their sons had experienced in their twenties and thirties.
Perhaps Dmitri could find comfort in thinking that everything happened for a reason, including their grandson's illness. In her own experience however, Red understood suffering to just break you down more and more. It might make you appreciate your blessings and cherish your loved ones on a deeper level, but she also didn't think that she needed to have been through what she went through, in order to feel that way. The only meaning that had existed in her life in all the time that had been taken from her, was the meaning she had created herself. Though she knew there were many parts of herself that remained broken and probably always would.
"Why were you out so late tonight?" she asked softly.
"It's not very late," Dmitri replied, glancing at the clock approaching ten o'clock.
He then disappeared back behind his paper. It rustled in his hands and she continued to watch him, and the weight of her eyes finally made him relent. He sent the whole paper down on the coffee table and reassured her that he'd been at his sister's house, and next time he'd bring her with him. They could all drink and play cards like the old days, it would be fun. Red just nodded her head. She had no energy to delve deeper into this conversation.
"I guess I'm going to turn in," Dmitri said a few minutes later, getting up off of the couch.
"Don't squish the little starfish," Red warned him, with a smirk.
"Oh, Vera," Dmitri nodded. "I'll just go sleep in Yuri's bed tonight then, alright? No sense in being crowded."
He kissed her goodnight and she let him, but she wasn't ready to go to bed herself. She thought about turning on the television but she didn't have the energy. She just sat in her spot and hugged herself tightly, with just the lamp on the side table turned on to give light.
Tomorrow was going to be a big day, in every single way she could fathom. Children and back to work, maybe it would be good for her. Maybe it would give her the confidence and strength to help Koyla and the rest of the family through this next heartbreak. The reason for her coming home had always been so she could be there for all the moments, good and bad. She wanted them to know they could count on her again. Now was her chance to prove it.