All that matters is the time we had, doesn't matter how it all went bad. Never wonder what it might be like, shut the door, say goodbye. When faced with tragedy, we come alive or come undone. ~RISE AGAINST

Another Yaz centric Chapter. Basically 1000 words of Angst and Yaz rambling about her feelings for the Doctor. Might have cried again while writing this. Probably should stop wrtiting things that make me cry, but its weirdly soothing...

Hope you enjoy :)

Yaz sank wearily onto the sofa next to her sleeping friend. Eyes bleary and red rimmed, dark streaks of smudged mascara ran down her cheeks. A reminder of all the hurt, fear and pain she'd felt. A small part of her brain still couldn't comprehend what had happened, in the quiet of the office it whispered, this can't be real, just a bad dream, a nightmare. But Yaz knew in her heart that it wasn't, the pain felt too real, and she wasn't sure even a nightmare could be this cruel. She would have to confront the reality she could not wake from.

For a while, Yaz just watched as the woman's chest rose and fell gently with every breath, a clear sign that she was still alive. Her heart still beating, lungs still breathing.

In that moment, it was all she could focus on, captured by the serenity of the sleeping figure, her gentle rhythmic breathing and faint snores filled the room. A stark contrast to the wails of agony that had passed her lips. A welcome relief, for the first time in hours, Yaz felt like she could breathe again. Though she wasn't sure if the Doctor's tortured cries would ever leave her.

In every way, the woman in front of her still looked like the Doctor, but Yaz had to prepare herself that she wasn't anymore. Not really. Whoever she was, she looked so peaceful now, her face calm and expressionless, all traces of the agony that had recently swept across it disappeared into her pasty skin.

She stirred slightly, curling up into the cushions of the sofa, before falling back into a deep slumber.

"I..." Yaz began, unsure whether she could find the right words. Her mind raced, the events of the past few hours replying over and over. A hurricane of emotions still raged within her. She felt beyond the worry and the fear to feelings she didn't even know she had, feelings that words couldn't possibly explain. Everything she could have done and could have said, the endless cycle of possibilities.

Now she may never get the chance to tell the Doctor how she really felt about her. No, she thought, clenching her hands into fists, trying to channel some of River's steely determination. No, you can't think like that. You must not think like that, she tried to force her mind, to focus on hope, concentrate on the fact that despite everything, she was still alive.

Yaz faltered for a moment; a lump caught in her throat, then the words came.

"I don't really know what to say, you were always the one who was so good with words, even if I only understood half of what you said. I hope, whoever you are now, you'll still be like that. Your words held such power, so much hope. A hope that I'm still clinging to.

Everything that has happened, I'm still trying to process it all and trying to understand, but I'm not sure if I ever really will. So much of this is still so new for me, I'm learning and changing constantly. It all happened so fast and now I don't know what to think or what to feel. I thought you were going to die, and I don't think I could have coped with losing you. How am I supposed to go on without you?

But I'm still worried I may have lost you. I'm really trying, but that fear won't go away. You're not going to be the Doctor anymore, not the Doctor I know. And it scares me so much, that you're going to wake up somebody different, more than I ever could say. But you won't be hurting, so I think that's okay. It has to be okay. To see you hurt like that, in so much pain and I couldn't do anything. I've never felt like that before, so powerless, helpless. Maybe it is selfish of me to say this, but it was the most terrifying thing I've had to face. Of all the monsters and dangers we've encountered, this here, seeing you in so much pain was the most frightening. You made me so strong, and I couldn't be strong for you and I'm so sorry about that.

Even after everything I've learnt from you, the fear still had me paralysed. I was so scared you were going to die and I let my fear control me, I'm sorry. You made me so brave, so confident and I still didn't know how to help.

I never be able to make up for that, but perhaps I can be strong now. I'm going to be here, okay. Whoever you wake up to be, I'm gonna be here with you, to help. I am not going to leave you until this is all fixed, no matter how long it takes. You are not going to be alone, please, just know that. I won't ever leave you alone, I promise. This must all be so new and scary, and I know there's so much you haven't told me and that's okay. I can wait till you're ready, ready to share your secrets and if you're never ready that'll be okay too. Just know, please know, that you don't have to face any of this alone.

I'm not going to leave you, okay. No matter what happens or how hard it gets. I won't leave you alone, because you're my friend and you're so much more than that. I just need you to know that meeting you, travelling with you was the best thing that could ever have happened to me. You changed my life, and so much for the better. I'm a better person for having met you. You're the most amazing person I've ever met, and I know things were hard and that I was angry. Some terrible things happened and maybe I didn't deal with it well and, with all my heart I'm sorry. But please know, I couldn't really be angry with you because I love you. I love you and I think I always will. Nothing could ever change that, even if you're not the Doctor anymore, I'll still love you. You told me once that love is hope and hope always prevails. I've held onto that ever since, because I could never stop loving you and I hope and believe that despite everything we can get through this. I will never give up hope and I'll never give up on you."

Silent tears spilled down her face, her words hung heavy in the air, feelings laid bare.