On pins and needles we are waiting for the fall, we count the days scratching lines on a wall. Wait in the wings for someones beck and call, no longer recognise the place that I call home, no longer recognise this face as my own. Somewhere, this fate, I lost control. RISE AGAINST
Locking in a holding cell, alone with her thoughts, Jo has time for the thing she's always tried to avoid. Thinking. Refecting. Reliving.
TW - intense description of a Panic attack and hearing voices. Implied references to past abuse.
Jo found herself sitting in a holding cell and couldn't quite recall how she got there. Her eyes stung, bloodshot and raw from tears. Her head felt groggy, and she had the kind of headache that only comes from excessive crying. DCI Davidson doesn't cry, she tried to tell herself. She's strong, level headed, formidable at times. Only she wasn't DCI Davidson anymore. Now she was just Jo, the same scared and shy child who had found her mum's body all those years earlier. Locked away, with only her ever darkening thoughts for company, and the voice in her head, his voice. A voice she thought she had silenced, but he returned. He always came back. To hurt her. You can't get rid of me, Joanne. I will always be with you. I always win. Haven't you learnt that by now. Silly little Joanne.
Still abandoned and unloved, Jo cries alone. You'll always be alone Joanne. How could anyone possibly love you. There was no one there to wipe away her tears. You're pathetic Joanne. Pathetic.
A baggy grey jumper swamped her fragile form, stiff and itchy, she longed for the comfort of her favourite turtleneck. They had taken her clothes for forensic recovery, she remembered. They were stained with blood. Kate's blood. Kate. The Lorry Park, how she had lured Kate there. Lured her there to be murdered. The Standoff, gunshots, bodies on the ground. Ryan dead and Kate barely breathing. Kate. Oh god, Kate. There was so much blood. She looked down at her trembling hands, though scrubbed clean, she could still see Kate's blood on them. It's all your fault Joanne. You couldn't save her. She hadn't wanted this, Kate didn't deserve this.
Memories flooded back, crashing into her like waves in a storm. Battering her already frail mind. Tearing her away from the shore, she fell back into the icy grips of panic. It clutched at her chest, crushing her lungs until she had no air left to breathe. How could you do this Joanne? Her heart pounded hard and fast, and her breath came in short ragged gasps. You couldn't save her. Her head was spinning, thoughts and emotions whirled round her mind in an uncontrolled frenzy. You failed Joanne. You didn't listen, Joanne. You know what happens when you don't listen. Battered and beaten by the ever crashing waves of panic, Jo couldn't breathe, she was all alone and she couldn't breathe. She felt sick, weak and dizzy, sure she was going to die. You're going to die, Joanne. The cell faded out of focus and she felt herself being dragged under the surface, she couldn't stop it, couldn't fight. The waves continued to crash down, pulling her under. She was trapped and alone, drowning in her panic, falling further into the depths. You're going to die, Joanne.
Jo pulled her knees close to her chest and hugged them tight. She bowed her head, her hair fell in matted tangles in front of her face. She tried to make herself as small as possible, tried to hide from the fear and the pain. You can't hide forever Joanne. Silent sobs shook through her body as she rocked gently back and forth, desperately trying to calm her racing mind. She shrunk into the floor, the cold tiles chilling her bones, though she scarcely felt it. Ice had already penetrated her heart.
Slowly, the waves subsided, her thoughts slowed and panic gradually released its grip on her chest. She could breathe again. Jo took a few shaking breaths, filling her lungs with air and focused on slowing her heart rate.
The cell came back into focus, Jo dragged herself into a sitting position, resting against the bank. She shivered, pulling the sleeves of her jumper down over her hands. She hugged her knees, seeking warmth but finding none.
That was when the exhaustion took hold, the panic attack had drained her remaining energy reserves beyond empty. She closed her eyes and gave in to sleep.
But even as she slept there was no escape. We're always here Joanne. They haunted her dreams, the things she had done. What they'd done to her, how they'd controlled her. There's no escape, haven't you figured that out but now? Silly little Joanne.
It didn't matter anymore, nothing mattered anymore. She didn't matter anymore. You never mattered Joanne. You're unimportant, worthless.
Her life had never been her own, no matter how hard she tried she couldn't escape. She'd always been controlled by others, a puppet of corruption. We own you Joanne, you're ours to control. Sinister forces pulling her strings, directing her every move. Nowhere was safe, she couldn't escape OCG control. Her life was pitiful, filled only with pain and anguish. Your life belongs to us Joanne.
Ryan, sent to keep her in line. Remember what happens to a rat. Someone was always watching her, a voice on a burner phone, the messages from an unknown user that appeared on her computer screen. No matter how many locks she had on her door, she never felt safe. Nowhere was safe. I can always get to you, Joanne.
She was nothing more than a puppet, a plaything to be used and discarded. She still bore the scars, from the times she'd tried to rebel. Your punishment for not listening, it hurts doesn't it Joanne. This is what happens when you don't do as we say.
The reminders that she would never be in control. She was still haunted by the nightmares, the beatings, the abuse. Of what would happen if she didn't do as she was told. We control you Joanne, there is no escape for us, Joanne. Do as we say and there won't be a need to hurt you.
She'd stopped feeling them at some point, numb and empty, save for her icy soul. That was how she was destined to remain, cold and distant. Alone. It's all you deserve.
Almost 30 years of control, she didn't know who she was anymore. Who the real 'Jo' was or if anything in her life had ever been real.
All she could think was, Kate had been real. The way she felt about Kate had been real, more real than anything she'd felt before or could ever feel again. It was Kate, who had given her reason to live rather than just survive.
Kate, incredible, confident and headstrong. Kate, a shining light in the darkness, beautiful and brilliant. And because of her actions, the light had faded, and was in danger of going out for good.
But she didn't know whether Kate's feelings had been real, she was just pretending his voice in her head sniggered. You don't deserve love.
Now there was just an emptiness.
Emptier than the dingy cell she found herself in.
The only person who could fill that void, she had lured to her death. She didn't even know if she was still alive.
Please, Jo prayed. With whom she wasn't exactly sure. She'd never been religious or believed in God, but she didn't have anything else left. Fate, the universe, karma? Please she begged, as she clasped her hands together in silent prayer, not really sure what she was doing. Please, just let Kate be okay. If it's my life or hers take mine, I'd give it willingly if it meant saving her. Please, save Kate Flemming.