Chapter 6: Even if the world stops

The worship of lies.

Note: A bit of break from plotting and information dump. This chapter will be EM centric and the most difficult chapter I'd written so far *cri* Warning: dark, mentions of suicidal thoughts, toxic relationship at its finest.

Mikasa and Eren had been playing the longest hide and seek game ever known that she wondered why they even bothered anymore.

She was so used to playing the role of the seeker that she forgot how to play the other. Hiding. The concept was so foreign to her. To Eren, she was always there. A few steps behind, with shadow so wide that it followed him instead of herself. Her loyalty was unquestionable, devotion brimming on her eyes, and it was almost satisfying that she found herself able to find a good hiding place for once.

Her mind was a good and secluded cave, so Mikasa chose to retreat there. Because even if everyone left her, she'd at least still have herself.

But there was a small gap that Eren managed to dig, and he took advantage of that ruthlessly. He humiliated her locking her in her room and confined her heart on the cage of his fingers, gently caressing it and roughly pumping it to stay beating at the same time. Her heart didn't belong to her anymore, and maybe, it never was.

"That maid who's playing your dummy is imprisoned right now."

Mikasa's eyes widened. "Are they planning to execute her?"

Eren scoffed from his seat next to her bed. "Why the sudden interest in her wellbeing? Surely you'd thought of this possibility happening when you plotted your fucking stupid plan."

"Estelle was just following orders—"

"But she wasn't following your order because you're her mistress, was she? She did what she does to defy the empire. A refugee seeking the tiniest chance to have her revenge," Eren chuckled. "They want to interrogate her. But I know she doesn't know anything so I told them to just let her go after a few days. I did that for you, Miki, aren't you happy?"

Miki. She gulped at the childhood nickname he and Armin got her.

"But we won't stop chasing that Braun brat. We'll turn this island upside down if necessary. Anyone who hide her will be charged with treason. Anyone who openly protect her will be killed at sight. Look at what your reckless action cost for the people. They will die for a fruitless cause."

"It wasn't fruitless. Historia was already a few steps ahead of you and your corrupted government when she got that book. You don't know what's coming."

"That book," Eren spat. "Everyone is always talking about that damn book. That ancient and dirty-ass book."

"Be careful now. That dirty-ass book may be your eventual downfall."

Eren grabbed the flimsy material of her dress and pulled her body toward him. Mikasa collided against a hard chest and felt an arm sneaked around her shoulder. She suppressed a shudder.

"But I know one thing for sure," Eren whispered to her ear. "They won't mindlessly attack the palace when you're still here with me. They won't do anything risky when I have full control over your safety. So let them come. Let them fight among themselves on deciding which one is more important, you or their ambition."

"Who said anything about attacking?" she flared up.

"You mean Armin? Him and his devious words?"

"Are you still going to have him next to you? To keep your enemies close, is that it?"

"He's never my enemy. You and Armin, go kill me over and over again and I will still have you both close to me. He's the one who willingly walk into trap when he agreed to come here."

"And yet I didn't come here willingly. Why… why is that different?"

A lapse in the air. "Because you're Mikasa."

Mikasa wanted to move, to scream at him, to lunge at him, because he was a liar and he couldn't be trusted and he had torn her to pieces. Not just her, but the rest of the world. She saw his face, his goddamn face was like a stone, and his eyes were killing her because she couldn't read anything in them and there was not a trace of arrogance or anger that she wanted so badly to see, nothing that she could handle. There was only void in his eyes reflecting her own. But that moment flickered and Mikasa felt the reality jolted and when she raised her head Eren was gone.

Her days after that daring escape plan were monotonous at best. It wasn't like she had anything to do except sleeping and anyone to chat with since Eren banned everyone from seeing her. Even the doctor wasn't allowed alone with her during check-ups. Eren was always there next to her, watching everything with eagle eye.

Mikasa would wake up at exactly six in the morning, never later than that, courtesy of her harsh militaristic training. Then she'd spent an hour getting ready and changing her bandages. If there was one good thing that came out from her solitary imprisonment, it was that her wound was healing well and quickly. Tomorrow they would change the thick bandages into a thinner one.

The next hour was filled with trivial tasks: watering her orchids, restacking her clothes, reading a book, and her favorite activity at the moment, trying different Hizuran braid styles. Not that she was proficient at it, her fingers were far too rigid, but Mikasa liked it all the same.

Then at eight, a maid would escort her down to the winter garden to have breakfast. Mostly she was left alone, but sometimes Eren would join her, and with him came several high-ranking officers who competed with each other just to spend a moment with their Lord.

It was the latter that happened this morning. Sitting next and in front of Eren were Floch, Yezeko, and three other officers wearing their respective uniforms. They stood and bowed slightly upon her presence, albeit Floch did it reluctantly, Mikasa noted. A butler ushered to her designated seat next to Eren.

Today's breakfast included mangoes. Sasha would've loved it.

Mikasa picked on her food quietly while the men around her conversed on political nonsenses. The Senate wanted to increase the housing taxes, agreed. A human right organization wanted permission to build an orphanage for refugee children, denied and laughed at. An additional funding for the new established Navy corps, agreed. An execution for an outspoken religious leader, agreed but turned it into a public spectacle.

"The preparation for the festival is going wonderfully, milord. The culture department has outdone themselves," the Director of Special Affairs said.

"The security measures have also been settled. The 5th Battalion of the Southern Regiment, the Palace Cavalry, the Mitras Military State Police, and milord's own Royal Guards."

Eren nodded. "Anything else?"

Colonel Yezeko perked up, "The Royal Regalia emblem has finally been approved by the Senate, milord. We are going to reveal it to the public during the festival. As of for now, we have prepared the official rings with milord's standard seal on it."

The Royal Regalia. Mikasa had heard of it from Gabi. While the Reiss banners and symbols were burned down everywhere throughout the island, a discussion was made to replace it with the new Yeager Regalia. Mikasa knew of its design and how much she loathed it. It was a single gold feather in an emerald field surrounded by the insignias of the three government branches.

One feather of freedom to symbolize that Paradis was the only one left standing after the Rumbling.

A fitting emblem for the world's devil, the current ruler of humanity.

"… and of course, we have the Crossenthe necklace out from the vault ready for the Lady Mikasa as well."

"Huh?"

An old man smiled at her. He was the Minister of State, Mikasa faintly remembered. "It is customary for royal consorts to wear the necklace bearing the new emblem to their first public event. A tradition of good luck."

Mikasa turned to Eren. His face was impassive as ever. "But I'm not a… consort or anything like that."

The officers shifted nervously on their seats.

It was Floch who responded. "As of for now, to the eyes of the people, you are. Please perform your duties to the empire accordingly, milady."

Huh. A fancy title for a prisoner.

"Do I… need to do anything?"

"Milady will only have to stand beside Lord Yeager during the opening ceremony," the Minister told her kindly. "We will make sure milady will always be accompanied with Master Advisor Arlert, if that pleases her. He is a good friend, is he not?"

Mikasa nodded and beamed slightly. "Yes. Please do."

There was a peculiar flash in Eren's eyes as he sipped his tea. Mikasa avoided looking at him and drained her own cup.

A butler approached their table to refill the tea pot.

"There was another thing, milord," Floch said. "We found a lead on Gabi Braun's whereabout. She was seen going into Jean Kirsten's office in the city and together they drove away to southwest. The regiments in Hyne, Orvud, and near those proximities have been notified. We estimated they will be captured before dusk today."

An abrupt interruption in time and space.

At that exact moment, her mind envisioned scenes of Gabi and Jean's capture and torture and execution. Two, three times, Mikasa would try to jerk awake from that horror, heart jackknifing in her chest. The sound of her cup falling and rattling on the table didn't rouse her still. Eren's grip on her hand did.

But there was nothing to feel. Nothing to see. Nothing to hear. Nothing to say. Not anymore. The plan failed. Her friends would be killed.

Because they risked themselves in your stead.

"Mikasa," Eren's voice snapped her back to present time. "I still have mercy to spare. If they are cooperative and return the book and papers quietly, I will grant them mercy."

"No, no you won't."

Yes, Eren had a merciful side. He once had, long time ago. But when monsters had mercy, everyone was bound to a debt bigger than their lives.

Mikasa woke up alone, the left side of the bed undisturbed and cold and the creases her hand unconsciously made in the sheets reminded her of a forgotten feeling of warmth a long time ago when Armin or Sasha or Eren would comfort her after a nightmare. She extended her arms weakly, grasping at the empty air as familiar shivers stirred her up awake.

That night was plagued by nightmares. The lifeless bodies of her friends were the star of the show. Nobody had told her what happened with Gabi and Jean. Perhaps to torture her with dread. Her bangs fell messily on her eyes, and when her fingers tugged at the strands on her neck, they intertwined with the necklace they had forced her to wear. The rays of light slipped through the blinds and refracted the jewel into a pinkish prism.

Mikasa thought she had never felt more tired.

Tales of old said that everyone deserved a second chance of happiness. But that wasn't true. They failed once, and now twice. Armin wouldn't get his answers, Historia wouldn't discover the secrets her family had been hiding, the Alliance wouldn't rise up again, and Mikasa wouldn't be able to go home.

Mourning didn't come all at once like a giant wave of tsunami, Mikasa realized. Instead, it was more like the weak trickle of the bath water when you lifted the drain, or the last rain drop in the window challenging gravity. Softly, gently, like it had every time in the world. It didn't rush. Mikasa didn't too.

Three months after the end, what did actually begin again?

Maybe they were not supposed to start again. Maybe they already did their best.

Mikasa had too much pride to die, and to die meant she could still feel something. Feel the desperation, and the relief after leaving everything. But what she felt now, it wasn't living nor dying. It wasn't numb either.

It was like exhaling a big puff of air, and before inhaling again, there was a pause. And right now, she was living in that pause.

Her bones grew weaker, her echo quieter, her reflection smaller.

Eren was there, watching, all the time.

On the second day she refused to drink and eat anything, he came barging furiously. Mrs. Celia followed behind him holding a tray of food.

Eren sat in front of her in the bed, propped her up, and start forcing spoonfuls of porridge down her throat. Swallow. Scoop. Swallow. A disgusting display of a master feeding their dog.

Mrs. Celia turned her head away from the scene. Maybe she'd finally understood what being by Eren's side truly meant.

And when the bowl was empty, he did the same with the tea, and left.

No words were exchanged.

Mikasa limped to the bathroom and vomit it all.

They told her Estelle was fired, two officers in Jean's office who refused to disclose his location were convicted, four villagers were currently interrogated, and the former queen hiding place was in sight and they were waiting to storm at the right time.

Connie Springer and Falco Grice were in a close pursuit. Annie Leonhart and Pieck Finger were under surveillance. Levi Ackerman was still missing. Mikasa Ackerman, and soon Armin Arlert, were trapped in the palace.

That night they dressed her in a long black satin dress, the moonlight casting a ripple on the surface. The Crossenthe necklace dangled around her neck like a noose. Her hair down like a shroud.

Another formal dinner, another stage. A liturgy for beasts, and she was the sacrificial lamb.

Mikasa raised her knife, the weight rousing a familiar sensation, and she felt she wasn't there anymore. The current dead girl in the dining hall was replaced with the dead girl in the cabin on the mountains.

She wondered her chance on slashing the throats of everyone present. The floor would be slippery with their blood, but she'd always been a graceful dancer, slithering around them with ease. Would killing them all help them achieve victory faster, or hinder it? Would that matter at all? Would that satisfy her thirst for revenge?

Then she wondered if she'd be more successful in slashing her own throat.

Eren wrapped an arm on her waist and burrowed his face on the top of her head. She thought he might know. They were always so good at reading each other. Even after all this time.

"Don't leave me. Not you," he said.

Mikasa closed her eyes, the knife becoming clammy on her palms. There was the sound of a door opening, then a murmur, and a hand that pried her fingers open. The knife fell in a soft thud on the table.

Another arm enclosed her, this time it was warm.

"Miki, you're okay. You're going to be okay. I'm here now. Your Armin."

Then Mikasa's eyes opened to the sky inside her brother's eyes, and she finally had herself again.