Bree POV

My new room could not be any cooler if it tried. I had an amazing bay window seat that overlooked the back garden and surrounding countryside. I could happily spend upwards of 18 hours a day sat there, curled up with a book and watching the world go by outside. The only problem was, any book I read somehow reminded me of Diego. Either the storyline included romance, or there was a character who resembled him in looks or personality, or something reminded me of the time I spent with him and the things I used to do in my first few months of immortal life. Everything seemed to eat away at the hole in my chest.

And it wasn't only the books. I loved my new family, I really did, but often I couldn't help the feelings of pain when I saw them all with their mates. Seeing Alice and Jasper, or Rosalie and Emmett, or Esme and Carlisle (and imagining Edward and Bella) made me realise everything I'd lost with a gut-wrenching agony that could not be tamed. I'd never look into Diego's eyes with adoration as Carlisle looked at Esme. Diego would never sweep me off my feet as Emmett did to Rosalie on a more-than-daily basis. I'd never experience the fierce protection Jasper felt towards Alice, or their perfect harmony together. Not from Diego, and not from anybody else either. But how could I feel pain at being with my family, who'd shown me love and belonging beyond what I could have ever hoped for?!

I felt alone, in a way I had never dreamed possible. How could I possibly feel alone now I finally had the loving family I'd dreamed of since I was 4? But, I did. The pain sometimes made me wish I'd never met Diego, that I'd not joined him on that first hunting trip when the others had made that scene of total carnage. If I'd never got to know him, I wouldn't know what I was missing, and I'd be able to enjoy this picture-perfect life I now lived.

Following those thoughts always came an overwhelming sense of crushing guilt. How could I possibly wish I'd never known Diego?! He was the greatest person I'd ever met, and I'd loved every minute I spent with him. How could I wish that away? How could I insult his memory like that?!

This spiral had a predictable pattern that always led to hours of soul-wrenching sobs while curled in a ball on the floor. Sometimes I'd pick myself up from this pit of despair before anybody noticed. Other times, Jasper would come home from school and would be at my side in an instant, waves of peace and calm pouring off him, though it barely made an impact. Still other times, Carlisle or Esme would be home and pop their head in my room to see how I was doing, and I'd see pain and pity in their eyes as they despaired on how to help me.

On this particular occasion, I heard Edward's car pull into the drive, signalling my siblings' return from school, but I was too far into my dark, despairing thoughts to pull myself out before they noticed me. I heard the footsteps walk up the drive and through the front door, then, as expected, a rush of hurried calm as Jasper sensed my emotions and dashed to my aid. I felt kinda bad, this was a fairly regular occurrence now, that Jasper would get home from school and instantly spend hours attempting to comfort me. I was dragging him away from the love of his life to deal with me. How pathetic.

I saw Jasper look at me, disapproving, as self-hatred coloured my emotions, and suddenly all that hatred was replaced with a sense of belonging and love, and I smirked. Clearly, I was alone in thinking I was wasting his time, and the knowledge of that actually made me feel a little better.

Having Jasper at my side did help, but hardly. Nothing could totally take away the pain of the gaping hole in my chest. The Diego-sized hole in my heart would be here forever, I decided. But Jasper's waves of peace, love, acceptance and family did take the edge off the pain just enough to get me back on my feet. A few more minutes of sitting like this on the floor, and I'd be ready to face the rest of my family and maybe even enjoy myself.

As we sat there in silence, my ears picked up the sounds of voices downstairs.

" -she's completely subsumed by the loss." I heard Edward say. "She feels like there's a hole in her heart that will never go away. Sometimes being around all of us actually makes it worse." He observed sadly.

"We make it worse?!" Esme exclaimed, clearly distraught.

"She sees us all together and can't help but see what she's lost. She hates that she feels that way though. Sometimes she wishes she'd never met Diego so that she could actually enjoy the love she's found here, no strings attached. But that only makes her feel worse."

"Of course." Muttered Carlisle. "I just wish there was an easy way to help her. I hate seeing her like this. You know this happens almost every day now?" I tensed; they'd noticed that? I instantly felt bad again, like I was throwing their companionship and welcome in their faces by sitting and sulking in my room. Another disapproving look from Jasper removed that thought from my mind and replaced it with a sense of true happiness at belonging.

"Edward is there anything we can do?" Esme begged. "Anything that will make her feel better? However big or small. Is there anything she desires that we can give her?" She sounded desperate, and a strange feeling of sadness mixed with hope and joy filled my heart. I was sad that my being sad was making Esme sad. But at the same time, I felt so loved and cared for, realising the extent of my new mother's love for me, that I couldn't help but feel a small glimmer of hope for the future. Maybe I didn't need to have Diego when I had the unconditional love of an incredible family.

Jasper looked at me approvingly, slightly surprised at the change in my emotions, and suddenly I'd had enough of sitting and listening to this conversation. I wanted to join in. I leapt up so fast I nearly knocked Jasper over, and flew down the stairs to the source of the voices; Carlisle's study.

The door was open, and I slowed my pace and sidled in, feeling somewhat apologetic. It was probably obvious I'd heard their conversation. And now I'd thought that, it definitely was. I cursed Edward's mind-reading ability silently, and he chuckled. I walked further into the room to perch on the corner of Carlisle's desk, and smiled apologetically. Carlisle smiled back at me, and pulled me towards him until I was sat on his lap, my head nestled into his shoulder, and his arms wrapped securely around me. He gently wiped away what was left of the tears on my cheeks. I felt like I was about 3 years old, but found I liked this. I could deal with being the baby of the family if it meant I felt this level of love and care. I sighed contentedly and leaned in further.

"Sorry for interrupting" I muttered, my voice slightly muffled. I thought about where their conversation had left off before I so rudely interrupted. Was there anything I wanted? Anything that was physically attainable anyway? I wanted to feel totally happy. I wanted my father to be punished for what he did to me. I wanted to have friends. Fred! I thought suddenly. I wanted to see Fred. I wasn't sure any of those would be possible though.

"Who is Fred?" Edward asked, confused. "You've thought about him before, but I can't get a read on who he is."

I shifted slightly so I could see Edward's face. "He was one of the newborns in Seattle. One of the only nice ones. He kept me safe. I was a lot smaller than all the others, and that made me an easy target for the fights that happened on an almost daily basis. Fred has a special skill; he can repel people. If you try to come near him, and he doesn't want you to, you get a feeling of complete revulsion. It's so strong that you can't even see him if he doesn't want you to. I used to spend my days hiding behind Fred. I felt physically sick a lot of the time, though he got better at controlling it and as time went on, it was more like I was sat inside a little bubble with him, rather than fighting against him to stay hidden."

"I don't recall meeting anyone like that at the fight." Carlisle mused, and exchanged a concerned look with Esme. I realised at once what they were thinking.

"Oh, no, he's not dead. You didn't kill him. He didn't come. He realised Riley was full of lies and took off as we were running from Seattle to the clearing. He asked me to go with him, but I needed to come to find ... Diego." I choked on the last word, but forced myself to keep going. I wanted to explain about Fred, now was not a good time to start bawling about Diego again.

"He said he would run to Vancouver and wait for 24 hours there. Obviously, I didn't make it there in that window, and I have no idea where he went from there. And because of his talent, finding him again is probably near enough impossible." I finished wistfully. "So, I'm not sure that actually answers your question." I added, looking apologetically towards Esme.

Esme walked across the room to stand behind Carlisle's chair and put her hand on my shoulder. "That's ok sweetheart. We just hate to see you so unhappy, and if there's anything in the world that might help take the pain away, please believe me when I say there is nothing I wouldn't do." The warmth in her voice was evident and I felt her words sink deep into my core. Somehow, the pain in my chest lessened. The hole was still there, but for just a moment, it felt a tiny bit smaller. Maybe this too would heal over time. I didn't want to forget Diego, but maybe the pain that accompanied his memory would someday not cripple me. I allowed myself to be hopeful, while embraced in the arms of my new loving father, surrounded by my caring family. Despite the pain and loss, I felt safe. I felt home.

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I have changed some minor vampire physiology because I found it too difficult to write without them being able to cry and I cba to work around that, so I copied what a lot of other writers do and made them able to cry venom