(A/N: I had two things to say before we began this review. First of all, I like to apologize for how...bland the review for Disney Villain Spawn was[that is, if you thought it was bland. I don't know if any of you thought it was], to put it nicely for myself. Like I said, I was doing a compare and contrast review for the first time and the first portion of it was done with the help of my older brother(the very same who had some good ideas and is the co-author for Across The Multiverse.) and the second portion I had done myself. I do plan to do a better version of that review when I do season 2 of The Critical Mew to fix that problem.
Now onto the other thing I want to say. I know I'll probably get hate/negative comments for this, but I'm not a fan of Steven Universe, nor do I like it that much. At best, I'm mildly indifferent to it. It's not due to the long hiatus, but due to A.) the fandom, B.) how every problem seems to be resolved thanks to Steven and C.) how everyone both in the show and in the fandom seems to hate Pink Diamond for her mistakes, despite the other Diamonds doing so much worse[And I'll get to that in my second part of this review].
I mean, with the fandom, if someone says one bad thing about the show, the majority of the fandom will bash that person for their opinions. I'm sure there are some good fans out there who are okay with others' opinions about the show, both good and bad, but they're overshadowed by the rest who don't want to hear one thing negative about the show. And as for everything being resolved by Steven, it gets repetitive, it makes the other characters seem incompetent or stupid and it is one of the reasons for Steven's problems in Steven Universe Futures, which I'll be covering sometime soon.
Anyways, whatever you do, please don't leave negative or hate comments just because I don't enjoy the show. If you're going to leave negative comments, do it for the quality of the review and not because you don't like my opinions. After all, everyone has their own opinions and shouldn't have to be forced to agree with everyone else's opinions just because they say so. With all of that out of the way, please enjoy the review and let me know if there's something I need to do to improve these reviews. Oh, and I hope that there's no angry mob outside my house after this.
P.S. Sorry if I don't use much dialogue from the show for part 1 and 2 of this review. There's too many episodes for me to watch, which would leave me with less time to do the review. Once again, if you're gonna hate the review, do it for the quality of it, not because of my opinions.)
A trio of glowing dots looked at the readers.
Critical Mew, looking for you
The glowing dots split into the Regi Trio.
Critical Mew, where are you?
The Critical Mew flies in, wearing a trench coat and a hat, giving the readers a wink.
Come on, Mew, where you been?
The Critical Mew took off the trench coat and used Transform, becoming a king, a dame with blonde hair, a waiter and an Elvis impersonator.
Trouble's on the loose again
A mysterious figure showed up, trying to crush Mew with a sandbag, only to narrowly miss. He looked behind him to the embodiment of stress, who proceeded to chase him to a door of things to review, which began to do the Thriller hip movements.
(Mew)
They're not gonna get you
(Critical Mew)
The Regi Trio went in a protective circle in front of Mew, protecting him.
Uh uh, the Regi Trio's gonna help you
(Mew)
Mew was in a barrel full of toys, deciding to peek out only for the floor to break under him, causing him to grab a loose floorboard with his tail.
Ooh, the comment's gonna be there
Registeel jumped on the floorboard, launching Mew into the air. Regice and Regirock caught Mew in their arms.
And the readers too
The Critical Mew floated past Lavender Town, only for the ghost of Marowak to appear, scaring him away.
Critical Mew, looking for you
Mew was surrounded by loads of Ghost and Dark-Type Pokemon, all about to ambush him.
Critical Mew, where are you?
Only for the Regi Trio to attack them all, saving Mew as they head back to the Tree of Beginning.
Mew, Critical Mew
Mew
The stuff to be reviewed danced once again, doing the Thriller hip moves.
Critical Mew
Mew
A pair of eyes zoom out, showing Mew and the Regi Trio with the Tree of Beginning in the background.
Critical Mew!
The Critical Mew-Season One
Episode 6: Steven Universe Part 1(Season 1-3)
Tree of Beginning, Kanto Region
Mew looked frustrated as he glanced down at the DVD cover for the Steven Universe The Complete Collection. AKA, the complete Steven Universe series. A cup full of Berry Juice was on the table next to said DVD cover.
"I can't believe I'm doing this. Especially since the Regi Trio are with Celebi, getting patched up from their wounds," Mew groaned out.
Meanwhile, at the Ilex Forest, Johto Region
"Let me guess, angry fans?" Celebi asked, checking the damages on the Regi Trio.
Regice was missing an arm, an leg and looked like he was about to melt, Regirock had half of his chest blasted off by a tank, and Registeel had half of his head, on top of being rusted.
"Yep. And it's all thanks to this guy not realizing what he's getting us all into," Regice said, pointing his remaining arm at Regirock.
"I...said...I...was...sorry. What...more...do...you...want?" Regirock asked with some difficulty, due to only half of his chest remaining.
"Know the stuff you're suggesting next time, dude. We almost got killed if it weren't for Mew teleporting the weapons and people away," Regice said.
Registeel would've put his two cents in, but all that came out of his mouth was inaudible gurgles.
"Good thing I know how to heal you three. Not the first time we had to deal with an angry fanbase," Celebi said, grabbing medical stuff.
Meanwhile, back at the Tree of Beginning
"Anyways, let's begin the review. This is Steven Universe. And let's just say I'm not a big fan of this show." Mew said.
"There he is! Get him!" An angry fan shouted as a mob of ten angry fans ran towards Mew, all of their weapons pointed at him.
Sighing, he waved his paw. Suddenly, all the weapons(and their owners) were teleported away.
"That's the 15th mob today," Mew groaned. Suddenly, a trio of angry fans with Steven Universe merchandise jumped out of nowhere and surrounded him with a spear, a whip and a pair of gauntlets.
Not even blinking, Mew waved his paw once again and the trio of angry fans were teleported as well. "Make that the 16th mob today," Mew said, irritated before sighing.
"This is Steven Universe, a show on Cartoon Network that lasted 8 years! Yeah, you read that right. 8 years. Despite the original show ending in 2019, there was the movie, the sequel show and the Light trilogy games." Mew explained, before taking in a deep breath.
"Steven Universe premiered on Cartoon Network back in May of 2013 with their pilot episode, but the entire series officially began in November of 2013. The show, at first, was about a young kid named Steven, who is learning to control his powers and his three adult guardians, Pearl, Amethyst and Garnet, using weapons and magical rocks attached to parts of their bodies to save the world from monsters of the day. You noticed I said at first, right?" Mew asked.
"As the series progress, the whole 'magic rocks' thing I was thinking was thrown out of the window, and in its place were things being explained: Rose Quartz gave up her physical form to give birth to Steven, hence the reason he has a Gem on the spot where his belly button is, the Crystal Gems are not only holographic aliens with mass, but also rebels, and that all of the monsters we see are actually Gems who got corrupted because the other Diamonds were pissed at Pink's 'shattering'.
"So instead of boring you all with the details, because you all had seen the show at this point, I'm just going to give you all the basic summary of each season." Mew said.
"Starting with Season 1, easily the longest season, both in terms of the amount of episodes and how long it took to finish it." Mew said as another angry mob booed at him.
Groaning, he teleported said angry mob away.
"Anyways, let's begin. The first half of season 1 is all about Steven trying to figure out how to control his powers, mainly summoning his shield from his Gem, while going with the Crystal Gems on several, dangerous missions, hanging out with a girl named Connie, who he magically cured of near-sightedness with magical healing saliva near the end of the first half, his father, Greg, who for some reason doesn't try hard to stop Steven from doing all of this dangerous stuff, two teens known as Lars and Sadie who works at a Dunkin' Donuts rip-off, and basically has a pet lion after one particular mission involving a Gem monster on a pillow." Mew said, before pausing for a moment.
"...Yes, really. And people complain about parents letting their children go off on a Pokémon journey at the age of ten. What about a pet lion? That has teleporting roars that opens wormholes to random and unknown places? I think that's more dangerous than any starter Pokémon!" Mew shouted before slapping himself.
"No, no. If I get off-track, then this review will last longer than necessary." Mew said to himself before continuing with the summary.
"Anyways, as the first half progresses, we find out that Gems can fuse, as Pearl explained to Steven in the episode, 'Giant Woman', which debuts Opal, the fusion between Amethyst and Pearl. Not only that, but also Gem-hybrid, as shown when Steven and Connie fused into Stevonnie. However, the two Gems, or Gem-hybrid and Human, have to be in sync with one another. If they aren't, the fusion will unfuse. So, keep that in mind, folks.
"Gems can also be poofed and reformed, meaning they change their appearance, as proven when Pearl was poofed by her Holo-Pearl, probably trademarked by Pearl herself, and reformed at the end of the episode. Oh, and Steven becomes best buddies with a Centipeedle from the first episode, only for it to get poofed again protecting him." Mew explained.
"However, the first half ends with a two-parter that introduces a new character: Lapis Lazuli. Long story short, she was put in a mirror by some random Gem when she was sent by Homeworld to terraform Earth during the Homeworld War and was left behind when the Diamonds did their whole 'destroying everything' plan, which ended up corrupting every single Gem that wasn't A.) behind Rose/Pink Diamond's shield, B.) bubbled and put inside Lion like Bismuth for example or C.) put in a mirror like Lapis. During that whole thing, Lapis's Gem got stepped on and got cracked, which was the reason she couldn't use her water wings, yet she was able to use her other powers that relate to water. I don't know the logic of this show.
"Anyways, she believes that the Crystal Gem knew the whole time she was in the mirror not only due to Pearl being the one to grab the mirror and not thinking much about it, but due to the Crystal Gems trying to take the mirror away from Steven when they noticed it could communicate.
"Long story short, Steven took Lapis out of the mirror, she almost drowned the Crystal Gems before leaving, and the day after, she took all of the Earth's ocean just to try and reach Homeworld, but failed to do so. So, Steven heals her cracked Gem with his healing saliva and she leaves with her water wings, returning the oceans back to Earth as she does so." Mew explained before taking a deep breath.
"Fun fact, the show was supposed to end at this point. But the fans wanted more so Rebecca Sugar and the Crewniverse continued with the show. I wonder, though, what would've happened if the show had ended after Ocean Gem?" Mew questioned. "Oh well, we'll never get the answer," Mew said.
"Anyways, the second half acts similar to the first half, though we find out that Amethyst was made on Earth while Garnet and Pearl were from Homeworld. The only differences in this half? The first difference is Steven doesn't have his healing saliva due to Greg pretending that it didn't heal his broken leg just so he can spend some time with his son, causing Steven to lose confidence in his healing powers, which could cause it to not work as well. How does that work?
"And yes, while that is a jerk move on Greg's part, you can relate to him wanting to spend some time with Steven." Mew said thoughtfully. "Anyways, the other difference is another Gem is introduced. Her name is Peridot. For the first season, she's not important, but she's a main character from season 2 and onwards.
"Along with that, we find out Rose left Steven a video tape, which he and Sadie watch together." Mew said.
*The iconic star iris then zooms in on Greg and the screen flashes, showing Greg playing his guitar on the beach, while Rose narrates over the shot.*
Rose: Isn't it remarkable, Steven? This world is full of so many possibilities. Each living thing has an entirely unique experience. The sights they see, the sounds they hear. The lives they live are so complicated... a-and so simple. *Steven watches the tape in sheer happiness.* I can't wait for you to join them. *turns the camera towards her, revealing herself* Steven, we can't both exist. I'm going to become half of you. And I need you to know that every moment you love being yourself, that's me, loving you and loving being you. Because you're going to be something extraordinary. You're going to be a human being.
Greg: Hey, Rose!
Rose: Take care of them, Steven.
*The screen flashes again, showing a pregnant Rose setting the camera down and running up to Greg. Greg caresses Rose's belly and they lean in for a kiss, when the screen flashes for one last time, crackling in static as the tape ends.*
"If that's not a sign of love a mother has for her child, I don't know what is," Mew said, tears in his eyes before wiping them away.
"Plus, despite the crossover being non-canon, Uncle Grandpa did manage to help Steven summon his shield, the very thing the Crystal Gems tried and couldn't do throughout the entire season, and as confirmed in later seasons, Steven's whole life! And yes, I know it's a Season 2 episode, but it takes place during Season 1, so it's a Season 1 episode in my books. And, I considered it canon. I mean, it's Cartoon Network. They always had their cartoons break the fourth wall and have all their shows exist within the same continuity or multiverse." Mew said.
"You mean like our convoluted timelines, Mew?" Lunala asked a bit smugly, appearing out of nowhere.
"Lunala, that only happens in the games. Not with this universe." Mew said.
"Mew, Mew. You're only an expert on all Pokémon genetics. I'm the expert on different universes, and unless you're a universal traveler, I don't think you know what you're talking about," Lunala said with a smug smirk.
"Really? Then explain how you were the first one to be fused with Necrozma before Nebby the Solgaleo?" Mew asked.
"I-I-I'll get back at you for this embarrassment, Mew!" Lunala shouted, going through an Ultra Wormhole.
"Nah, I'll take Eric Andre. All he does is cause destruction and mayhem one joke at a time," Mew said.
"Anyways, the first season officially ends with another two-parter. To put it simply, part 1 reveals that the Crystal Gems are rebels, that the monsters that Steven and the Crystal Gems had been fighting are actually corrupted Gems, and as soon as Steven shielded the Crystal Gems from Peridot and Jasper, a Gem who wants to shatter Rose for shattering Pink, our heroes get captured.
"Part 2 begins with Steven waking up, breaking out because the Gem's equivalent of a taser doesn't do much on his human parts, and he frees Ruby and Sapphire, who becomes Garnet. Something that takes fans by surprise, though someone made a video showing signs that pointed out that Garnet was a fusion the whole time.
"Anyways, Garnet fights Jasper at the same time Steven, Pearl and Amethyst tie up Peridot and takes over the ship, which crashes due to Garnet sending Jasper flying into the ship's core, which allows Peridot to escape via an escape pod and the season ends with Malachite, the fusion between Jasper and Lapis, being dragged under the ocean because Lapis, who is in control, wanted to make sure Jasper doesn't cause any more destruction," Mew explained before glancing sideways.
Garnet: Yikes. They are really bad for each other.
"Yeah, why don't we make jokes about the situation while we're at it? I wonder what other jokes you got about how bad that fusion is, despite you telling Jasper that you were stronger than her because you are a fusion!" Mew shouted.
" And in case if you're wondering whether or not I skipped over more important stuff for Season 1, nope. I explained all the important stuff for Season 1 in the summary. Otherwise, Season 1 was simple, full of filler and in general, was more focused on being a stereotypical Saturday morning cartoon." Mew said.
"And that's the problem with the first season for me. It's the fact that despite all these bombshells they drop about the history of the characters, their history, even the lore of the show itself, the show still treats itself like it's a Saturday morning cartoon. And that's just the first season!" Mew shouted.
"That's not to say the season doesn't have its fair share of humor, though. There were sometimes where I laughed, including the Uncle Grandpa crossover. Like the moment when he does this," Mew said with a smile.
Uncle Grandpa: Don't worry, bro, none of this is canon. But this is!
*Pulls out a cannon from Belly Bag, puts his head in it, and fires said cannon. His head left behind a smoke trail that says 'April Fools' as he sunk the ship Lars and Sadie were on*
Lars: Oh no! Our ship!
"Or even this moment from 'Laser Light Cannon'," Mew said, smirking.
*Greg's Van get swept up into the ocean by the tide after a unpiloted Gem ship got destroyed by Rose's Laser Light Cannon*
Greg: My van!
Steven: Don't worry, Dad. If every pork chop were perfect–
Greg: I LIVE IN THERE!
"Or this one from 'Monster Buddies'," Mew said, trying to keep a straight face and failing.
Amethyst: NOOOOOOOOO! MI TORTAAAAAAAA!
"Anyways, we'll cover Season 2 and 3 after my laughing break-I mean, after the commercial break," Mew said through snorts of laughter as he went off-screen to laugh at some of the funny moments.
"In the absence of Registeel, I, a humble Altaria, will put on the commercials. Enjoy," the Altaria said as she put on the commercial.
(Cue instrumental version of theme song)
This review is brought to you by Pewter City Museum.
The camera pans out to show the Pewter City Museum.
"Ah, welcome, Trainers, historians and fellow researchers, to the Pewter City Museum." A scientist said.
"Here at the Pewter City Museum, you can see our research for Fossils on the first floor and our space program, a collaboration with Mossdeep City Space Center in Hoenn, on the second floor.
"We enjoy seeing the look of enjoyment of visitor's faces when they come in and do research. It's the best feeling in the wo-"
"Hi there," a random Trainer said, appearing from behind the scientist.
"Oh Mew Christ!" The scientist exclaimed, jumping out of surprise, before turning towards the Trainer. "How did you get in here?" asked the scientist.
"Oh, I had my Scyther use Cut on a tree next to a ledge." The Trainer answered.
"Note to self: ask Brock for a better security measure. A tree is easily cuttable," the scientist said, before picking up an Old Amber.
"Here. Take this and mention this to no one," the scientist said.
"Wow. Thanks. Good thing I get rewarded for breaking and entering." The Trainer said, putting the Old Amber said before leaving.
"...I get the feeling this will bite me in the rear end, will it?" asked the scientist.
The screen fades to black.
(Cue the instrumental version of the theme song)
"Well, we're back. And now it's time for the next season: Season 2, which begins right where Season 1 ended. Now, where did it left off?" Mew questioned.
"Oh yeah. Lapis and Jasper fused, dragged themselves under the ocean and the Crystal Gems stood there, dumbfounded. I wonder how Greg is going to handle the fact that his son was almost kidnapped by aliens who think he's Rose Quartz/Pink Diamond?" Mew asked.
*Greg then arrives around the corner in his van.*
Steven: Huh?
Greg: STEVEN!
Steven: Dad! *turns to Connie on the phone* Connie I-I have to go. I promise I'll call you back. *hangs up his phone* Dad's back! Dad's back! *runs towards Greg*
Greg: *running to Steven* Oh! Thank goodness you're okay! *hugs Steven tightly* Mmmmm! I saw the spaceship start to leave and then it crashed so I came back and... *sees Steven's black eye* Ohhh... Your eye... But you're okay! I guess those jerks were no match for the Crystal Gems!
Steven: No way, they were super strong!
Greg: *Starts to get worried* But you were able to beat them back?
Steven: No. They totally stomped us! This warrior, Jasper, was super beefy and knocked me unconscious. Then they abducted me onto the ship because they wanted to take me away forever. And then we crashed the ship and I almost died!
Greg: *increasingly worried and panicked* What did they want with you?!
Steven: They think I'm Mom.
Greg: *stammering* A-are more Homeworld Gems gonna come after you?
Steven: I... uh... I don't know. Maybe?
Greg: *clearly distraught* Steven. I-I'm supportive and very proud of you. And I'll be right back. *runs back into his van* Got to calm down. Where's my... *picks up lots of CDs from the back of the van* Where's my relaxing music CD? This one? *puts a CD in the radio, and death metal music starts to play* Wrong one! Stop! Eject! *punches the radio and tries to calm down*
*Steven watches the commotion as Greg tries to calm himself down, when his phone starts to ring again, realizing it is Connie. He looks back at his clearly-panicking dad as his van breaks down.*
"Huh, exactly how I expected," Mew said.
"Anyways, Steven starts to realize that Gem stuff isn't all fun and games and tries to cease all contact with his friends and Greg, just to keep them safe. Key word was tried, since all it takes is Connie going to his house to talk to him to get him to give up that plan.
"So for much of this season, Steven and the Crystal Gems try to find both Peridot and Malachite. Along with that, Steven talks to the Cool Kids about how he thinks the Crystal Gems hates him for Rose's 'death', soon find and mess around with Peridot's escape pod, and nearly get killed by the Crystal Gems if it wasn't for the Cool Kids.
"We also get Amethyst getting poofed and reformed, therefore she's the last of the Crystal Gems to get a new appearance, which they'll have until Season 5 and onwards. Connie also gets sword training, Peridot tries to restart the Kindergarten for some reason, Steven and Garnet stumble upon shattered Gem shards that had been forcefully fused into Gem zombies, and Steven gets a dream message from Lapis to stop searching for her and Jasper since she's doing all she can do to keep Jasper from gaining control of Malachite.
"Plus, at least we get to see Rose and Greg's romance blossom, like this moment when Rose was the only one who showed up for Greg's concert," Mew explained.
*As Greg finishes his song, he finds only a single Rose attending his concert, clapping for him.*
Greg: Thanks for coming everybody, I'm Mr. Universe. If you like what you just heard go check out our merch table! My manager Marty can hook you up with CDs, and t-shirts - Oh, wait, he's not there... I guess I'm going over there now...
*Greg walks and sits at his merchandise table. Rose approaches and picks up a CD.*
Rose: *reads the disc cover* "Space Train to the Cosmos"...
Greg: Yeah! One way ticket and I'm ready to ri~ide!
Rose: *chuckles* How will you get back?
Greg: Back?
Rose: Back to Earth?
Greg: *leans on his chair* I'm NEVER coming back.
Rose: Oh! That's awful! This is your home.
Greg: Uhh... you want that? You can have it...
Rose: Hm?
Greg: Oh, and it comes with a free T-shirt! *pulls out a small "Mr. Universe" T-shirt* You'll probably need a bigger one... I've got an extra extra large in my van! Stay right there!
"Or even this moment where Rose wants Greg to not give up everything he wants," Mew said.
*A bright pink light shines upon Greg as the temple gate opens, and Rose steps out, wearing the T-shirt Greg gave her.*
Greg: Ah! You're wearing the... shirt.
Rose: *visibly worried* ... Please, go away.
Greg: *blushes* I'm sorry. Did I-?
Rose: *sighs* You're awfully cute... and I really wanna play with you, but your life is short and you have dreams. I won't let you give up on everything you want.
Greg: That's gonna be a problem. *bows his head*
Rose: Huh?
Greg: *looks up and smiles* You're everything I want!
*Rose turns starry-eyed and starts giggling in joy. The flashback then ends, returning to present-day Greg and Steven.*
"Heck, I even enjoyed the moment when they both start to realize that not only are they different, but that they don't know much about each other after Greg tries, and fails, to fuse with Rose." Mew said.
Greg: We... We didn't fuse.
Rose: WHAT!? *laughing hysterically* You can't fuse! You are a human!
Greg: I know! That's the problem! I'm just a human.
Rose: That's not a problem! I love humans! You're all so funny!
*Greg grimaced at Rose's comment, seemingly heartbroken.*
Greg: Look... these last few months have been great-
Rose: *seductively* Oh, yes.
Greg: ...but I'm getting a little worried about the future.
Rose: Oh! Just ask Garnet.
Greg: I'm starting to wonder if you... respect me?
Rose: *starts laughing again* Oh, you're hilarious, Mr. Universe.
Greg: Rose, please! *Rose continued laughing.* Can you just- *Rose kept laughing more.* -TALK TO ME FOR ONE SECOND!? LIKE A REAL PERSON!?
*Rose abruptly stopped laughing, startled and shocked. The track on the record then changed into a more somber tune.*
Rose: ... I'm... not... a real person... I thought... Haven't we... Is this not how it works?
Greg: *dazed* Oh... oh boy... this is so weird, you really are an alien... *starts laughing hysterically, tears in his eyes*
Rose: Why are you laughing?
*Greg then broke down into tears, still laughing.*
Rose: Why are you crying?
Greg: How are we gonna make this work?
Rose: Fusion?
Greg: No, us. We're really, really different.
Rose: What do we do now?
Greg: ... Let's just... talk.
*Greg and Rose then hugged each other.*
Greg: I barely know you.
Rose: That's a good thing.
Greg: We really rushed into this.
Rose: Everything on Earth seems fast to me.
Greg: Do you... miss your home planet?
Rose: No, never.
Greg: How'd you end up with, uh, Harpo, Groucho, and Chico?
*Rose quickly realized Greg is referring to Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst, who had been watching the two this whole time.*
Rose: Huh? Oh, them? Those are three long stories.
"Aw, one of the rare times where we can enjoy a Pink Diamond/Rose Quartz moment that has no repercussion whatsoever before the fandom deems her the worst character to ever exist. I miss these moments," Mew said, smiling at the moments.
"However, all the plot came crashing to a halt when we got StevenBomb 3, otherwise known as the Week of Sardonyx. The reason why? Easy: in the episode 'Cry For Help', Peridot fixes the Hub that Sugilite, a fusion between Garnet and Amethyst, destroyed back in Season 1. So this time, to make sure they don't have another incident like Sugilite, Garnet decides to fuse with Pearl to form Sardonyx once again, as the episode states.
"However, after that first time, Pearl had been rebuilding the Hub more than once just to get a taste of fusing with Garnet again and again. The only reason she got caught was because Steven and Amethyst decided to do a stake-out to find Peridot just so Amethyst wouldn't feel like Garnet doesn't want to fuse with her due to Amethyst and Ruby's negative traits.
"And of course, Garnet takes it well," Mew said.
*Garnet drops Pearl in shock.*
Garnet: That's why I couldn't see us finding Peridot.
Pearl: Wait! Let me explain!
Garnet: You've been fixing the Hub! *walks towards Pearl intimidatingly, who backs away in fear*
Pearl: It really was Peridot! T-The first time...
Garnet: You tricked me!
Pearl: No! No, no, no, no! We just needed a reason to fuse! I just wanted to share a few more victories with you!
Garnet: Those weren't victories!
Amethyst: Wait, Garnet! *rushes in* You know, we're so much weaker than you! Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... stronger!
Garnet: Don't defend her! Peridot is out there somewhere and Pearl's been distracting us with... NOTHING!
*Steven can just only watch the commotion, not knowing what to do.*
Pearl: Garnet...
Garnet: THAT'S ENOUGH! Amethyst, fuse with me!
Amethyst: But-!
Garnet: *clenches her fist* Let's just get this over with.
*Garnet and Amethyst proceed to fuse Sugilite bitterly. Sugilite winds up her fists and punches the bottom pillars at great force. The Hub then comes crashing down, enveloping the place in dust clouds. The dust clouds roll in on Steven and Pearl, as Pearl continues staring at the destruction, mortified.*
"And the rest of StevenBomb 3 is all about dealing with that drama. Heck, the next episode had Garnet tagging along with Steven and Greg to Keystone for a road trip, only for her to unfuse into Ruby and Sapphire for the rest of the episode, only to refuse because they realized they made Steven stressed out.
"Then the next episode is about Steven hanging out with Onion, the weird kid in Beach City, while Amethyst vents to Vidalia, Onion's mother, about how tense the situation between Pearl and Garnet are.
"The episode after that is pure filler. Just a mailman known as Jamie putting on a play about the discovery of Beach City, which Pearl helps rewrite after seeing the version Mayor Dewey wrote." Mew said, looking bored.
"However, the final episode finally resolves the Garnet and Pearl problem by having them talk it out, while about to get crushed into shattered pieces by Peridot." Mew said.
*Garnet and Pearl start pushing against the walls.*
Pearl: *panting* Please! Tell me! How can I make you forgive me!?
Garnet: You can't! You lied to me! You need to learn that there are consequences to your actions!
Pearl: I'm sorry! I... I couldn't help myself!
*Garnet kicks the wall on Pearl's side, in an attempt to slow the walls down.*
Garnet: I don't want to hear your excuses!
Pearl: But it's true! No matter how hard I try to be strong like you... I'm just a Pearl. I'm useless on my own. *starts to cry* I need someone to tell me what to do.
*The walls suddenly stop moving. Outside the chamber, Amethyst is using her whip to bind two of the Gem gears together, preventing them from turning. Steven is pulling on Amethyst to provide support.*
Pearl: *holding her arms* ... When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you. Confident and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship, you're always together, I just... I wanted to be a part of that.
Garnet: You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think! I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me. I came undone...
Amethyst: Woah, that really happened?
Steven: Hmm. *nods affirmatively*
Garnet: It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too. But I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl. You have an impact too. There are times when I look up to you for strength. You are your own gem. You control your destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven. But you must choose to be strong, so we can move forward. So I can trust you again.
Pearl: ... I understand. I can't give up anymore!
Garnet: Good!
*Just then, Amethyst's whip snaps, and Steven and Amethyst fall backwards. The whip disappears and the Gem gears begin to move again, causing the walls to close in on Garnet and Pearl once again.*
Garnet: Pearl, there's only one way out of this!
Pearl: Only if you're okay with it.
*Garnet nods affirmatively.*
Steven & Amethyst: *panicking, running back and forth* AAAH! What do we do, what do we do, what do we do!?
*The floor suddenly breaks open, as Sardonyx jumps out of the hole, using her war hammer as a drill. She immediately then unfuses back into Garnet and Pearl, and the two look at each other for a moment.*
"Long story short, they still didn't catch Peridot. Instead, we have to watch as Steven and Connie recover Rose's Sword from Connie's mom in a hospital that for some reason had Gem Mutants and then watch as Steven and Sadie's mom peer pressure Sadie into entering a Beach-a-Palooza, only for Steven to take her place at the last moment, before Peridot finally get caught.
"And after she got caught, we soon found out why she was sent to Earth back in Season 1's finale: it was to check on the Cluster, a giant fusion of shattered Gem shards that when formed will destroy the planet. Also, it replaced the planet's core. And it all thanks to White, Yellow and Blue Diamond. So, they spent the next couple of episodes building a drill, as well as helping Peridot learn about Earth and the truth of how Garnet came to be.
"Long story short, Sapphire was sent to Earth to tell Blue Diamond a future of how to defeat the rebellion and Ruby, who was sent there to protect her, only found out at the last moment that Sapphire knew and rushed to protect her, accidentally fusing with her. So Blue Diamond decided to shatter them, which caused them to run away and eventually become part of the Crystal Gems as Garnet.
"Of course, there's no way this show can surprise me," Mew said, drinking some Berry Juice from a cup.
Greg: Sorry, I just can't believe my little boy is growing up so quickly. Seems like just yesterday you were a baby, and now you're turning fourteen years old.
Connie: *does a spit-take* Steven! You're fourteen!?
Steven: Yeah?
Connie: But I'm only twelve and three quarters! You're older than me? I-I don't believe it!
Mew nearly choked on his Berry Juice, only to force himself to spit it out. "How? He looks like a 10 year old at best! And I know they establish his physical age is linked to his mental age, so he only looks as old as he thinks he is, but given how in this episode he knows he's 14, then why does he still look like a 10 year old?" Mew asked, seemingly about to suffer a self-induced confusion before slapping himself.
"No, no time to try and figure that out." Mew muttered to himself.
"Anyways, they realize they still need the location of the Cluster, so they head to the Moon Base via Lion, where they not only get the location, but the plans for Earth if the rebellion hadn't stopped them. And Peridot utter the very words that every Pink Diamond/Rose Quartz haters had always said after the events of 'A Single Pale Rose'." Mew said.
Pearl: Rose Quartz believed all life was precious, and worth protecting.
Peridot : Well if she wanted to protect it, she did a lousy job! There'd be no Cluster if the Earth had stayed a colony. Now there's no colony, and there's gonna be no Earth, so thank you, Rose Quartz! You doomed the planet!
*Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl each look at Peridot furiously.*
"Gee, thanks Peridot." Mew said, sarcastically.
"And the next episode had her grand plan of contacting Yellow Diamond to not destroy Earth with the Cluster just so they can use Earth's resources. Wanna take a guess on the outcome?" Mew asked as the Yellow Diamond angry face meme appeared next to him.
"And the last episode is about Garnet and Peridot having a friendship. That's all," Mew said, before realizing something. "Holy Miltanks, this review is longer than I expected! I think I'm gonna need a second ad break to prepare for Season 3." Mew said, heading to another part of the Tree of Beginning to take a break.
"Well, here's the ad," the same Altaria from before said as she put on the commercial.
(Cue the instrumental version of the theme song)
This review is brought to you by the Cinnabar Island Lab, as well.
The camera pans out to show the recently rebuilt Cinnabar Island Lab.
"Hi, and welcome to the Cinnabar Island Lab. Here, we study the move Metronome," the head scientist said, indicating a room where a couple of scientists were writing down notes as a Togepi waved its stubby hands, using Metronome.
"And in this room, some of our scientists are trying to figure out the patterns of Articuno, Moltres and Zapdos, so we can figure out their lifestyles and even where they live," the head scientist said, pointing at another room, where more scientists are using notes they took from field studies to pinpoint the patterns of the Legendary Birds.
"And of course, we're famous for our Fossil Restoration Lab, which can bring back any Fos-"
"Hey, can you bring back this Old Amber? I got it from a scientist in Pewter City." A Trainer, the same from the previous commercial, said.
"Of course. What's the worst that can happen?" asked the head scientist.
Ten minutes later
"I regret everything," said the head scientist, covered in cuts and bruises.
"Thanks for the Aerodactyl. Gonna take on the Gym now," the Trainer said, leaving.
"...I get the feeling this is gonna bite me in the butt somehow." The head scientist said.
The screen fades to black.
(Cue the instrumental version of the theme song)
"I'm back from my break. And I got one thing to say," Mew said, putting on protective SWAT gear. "BRING IT ON! Also, this isn't for my protection. This is for yours," Mew said simply.
"So, after spending an entire season building her up as a threat, how do they deal with Malachite?" Mew asked.
*Malachite prepares to stomp on Steven(Currently inside a Watermelon Steven via astral projection), when Sugilite's flail wraps around her and smacks her in the face.*
Alexandrite: HEY! Don't forget about me!
*Alexandrite pulls Malachite in and delivers a powerful punch to her stomach. Alexandrite then smacks Malachite with Sardonyx's hammer, launching her into the air. Malachite steadies herself high in the air with her water wings and grunts. She then gasps in shock as she sees Alexandrite aiming at her with Opal's bow and arrow.*
Alexandrite: You two should spend some time apart.
*Alexandrite fires the arrow, which turns into a shape of Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl holding hands, and it pierces right through Malachite. Malachite begins to inflate and explodes. Steven and the other Watermelon Stevens cheer in victory, while Jasper and Lapis, now defused, fall from the sky. Alexandrite catches both Jasper and Lapis, walks onto the beach and collapses to her knees in exhaustion. She groans as she begins to unfuse, separating back in Garnet, Pearl, and Amethyst. Pearl starts laughing in relief when a concerned Garnet checks on Amethyst.*
"...Okay, that was anticlimactic and disappointing. Well, since they build the entire season building up its threat level, how do they handle the Cluster?" Mew asked.
*The Cluster's voices raise in commotion as they begin to speak to each other. Bubbles of light surround Steven as he smiles.*
The Cluster: Hi! Oh, hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Oh, hi!
*The Cluster is soon engulfed in a warm bright light.*
Steven: This is great! You don't even need to form. You can just stay here!
The Cluster: Want to stay.
*Links form between bubbles of light. The light then suddenly subsides momentarily, then bursts back again, with the Cluster crying out in anguish.*
The Cluster: Can't stop! Going to form! Can't stop! Going to form! Help! Help! Help!
Steven: It's okay. If I just bubble you, you won't have to come out. It'll keep you safe. Here, look, like this!
*Steven begins bubbling the shards near him.*
Steven: I can bubble you! I can bubble you! I can bubble you! *becomes exhausted* Ah. Well, that's five. Out of... *looks at the billions of shards scattered all around* Oh jeez... I'm sorry! I can't do it alone!
*The bubbles of light pulsate around Steven, pushing him to and fro. Steven starts to float away from the Cluster and he tries to reach back out to the light with no success. As he wakes up, a worried Peridot is in front of him.*
Peridot: Steven! Wake up!
*Once Steven regains consciousness, he sits upright and gasps.*
Steven: It doesn't wanna form!
Peridot: What?
Steven: We gotta put it in a bubble!
Peridot: Bubble that?! Hah, there's no way!
*Small bubbles then begin to form on the Cluster's surface.*
Steven: *gasps* They're bubbling each other!
*Steven bends down on one knee and places his hands on the cockpit floor.*
Steven: I've got you. You've got this. We've all got each other!
*With the help of the Gem shards, Steven manages to encase the Cluster in a huge pink bubble.*
"..." Mew sat there, not saying anything for a moment.
Critic: Sorry, I'm going for two! [death, destruction and doom ensue]
"WHAT?!" Mew shouted in anger.
"Why would you build them up throughout the entire second season as major threats if they're both going to be beaten within one episode each? That's like saying Buu got beaten easily in Dragon Ball Z, and it took Mystic Form, at least two Fusions, a SSJ3 and a Spirit Bomb to defeat Buu after 3 seasons! Or even Giovanni, the head of Team Rocket, can be defeated easily!" Mew ranted.
Suddenly, a bunch of comments appear next to him, using evidence from the Pokémon games to confirm that Giovanni can be defeated easily.
"Okay, I'll give you that one, for now. However, don't blame me when you read the manga. Heck, remember what happened in this universe," Mew said, before continuing on with the review.
"Anyways, with both major threats dealt with, easily, the entire season is just filler. Sure, there are important things, like Peridot and Lapis becoming roommates, a squadron of Rubies trying to find Jasper, Steven being able to float and how it's controlled by by his emotions, Greg and Pearl finally deciding to have a normal friendship after talking things out in Empire City, Peridot having powers over anything metallic and Centipeetle reuniting with her crewmates. Oh, and Greg is rich now." Mew said.
"However, one of the episodes is about Steven and Greg taking Lapis out on a boat ride. Surely, there's nothing shocking about that," Mew said, drinking Berry Juice out of his cup again.
*Lapis sighs in response.*
Steven: I'm so sorry! This whole thing is my fault. I just wanted you to have fun, but everything's a mess. I shouldn't have made you come on this trip.
Lapis: It's my fault. I'm the one to blame.
Steven: That's not true.
Lapis: I'm really trying to enjoy it out here, but... I can't stop thinking about being fused as Malachite, how I used all my strength to hold her down in the ocean, and how I was always battling against Jasper to keep her bound to me.
Steven: But it's not like that anymore. You don't have to be with Jasper.
Lapis: That's not it. I... I miss her.
Steven: What?!
Lapis: *sighs* We were fused for so long.
Steven: But... she's terrible.
Lapis: I'm terrible! I did horrible things! I-I broke your dad's leg. I stole Earth's ocean! Go on! Tell me I'm wrong!
*The yacht begins to rumble again as it starts to rain. An arm emerges from the water, climbing up the anchor chain. The yacht continues to rumble as the entity climbs up the chain and then climbs on deck. Steven and Lapis gasp in shock as the entity reveals to be Jasper.*
Jasper Finally!
"What is it with this show and ruining my time to drink Berry Juice?" Mew complained, coughing due to almost choking on said beverage.
"Anyways, Lapis punched Jasper off the boat, so of course, she'll be hyped up as the main threat for the season. But who cares about that for now, we have more of Rose and Greg's romance, including this wonderful speech Rose made about humans' capabilities to change." Mew said.
Rose: *chuckles* When a Gem is made, it's for a reason. They burst out of the ground already knowing what they're supposed to be, and then... that's what they are. Forever. But you, you're supposed to change. You're never the same even moment to moment; you're allowed and expected to invent who you are. What an incredible power, the ability to "grow up."
"Ladies and gentlemen, Rose Quartz, protector of humankind," Mew said as the denizens of the Tree of Beginning clapped and cheered.
"The next episodes involve Jasper collecting Corrupted Gems, giving Amethyst self-esteem issues on top of her poofing and reforming again, Amethyst and Steven having a competition over who's the worst Gem, and an old member of the Crystal Gems known as Bismuth.
"And the reason why she hadn't appeared until her debut episode? She made a weapon that would shatter Gems and Rose didn't like that, so she poofed Bismuth, bubbled her in Lion, and lied to Garnet and Pearl about what happened, which this episode begins the whole hating Rose thing. Also, Steven accidentally stabbed Bismuth with Rose's Sword in self-defense after she tried to kill him, and then told the Crystal Gems the truth." Mew explained.
"And okay, lying to Pearl and Garnet isn't the right thing to do, and neither is hiding Bismuth, but then again, the episode shows that Bismuth wouldn't listen to reason. And plus, as earlier episodes points out, Rose hiding things from the Crystal Gems is sometimes better than them finding out the truth. Mainly the episode 'Rose's Scabbard'." Mew said.
"Also, I think Amethyst summed up the entire plot of the episode, along with my reaction," Mew said.
Garnet: [Stunned Silence]
Pearl: [Stunned Silence]
Amethyst: Wow. A total stranger.
"Amethyst, smartest Gem ever. Though Pink Diamond/Rose Quartz is still the best character ever." Mew said.
"And so Steven, Amethyst and Peridot finally track down Jasper to another Kindergarten: the Prime Kindergarten, where Jasper was made, and attempt to take her down. More accurately, Amethyst attempts to, by herself, but can't do it, so Steven gives her a speech about how she doesn't need to do things on her own because they have each other, and cue them fusing." Mew said.
*Amethyst chuckles and takes Steven's hand. She then gets up and pulls Steven in for a hug, unintentionally causing an explosion of smoke and light. As the smoke clears away, Peridot and Jasper watch in horror and shock as a fusion Gem emerges from the smokes.*
Smoky Quartz: What a beautiful day! *stretches*
Jasper: Huh? Who are you supposed to be?!
Smoky Quartz: Oh yeah, who am I now? I feel like Amethyst knows this.
Peridot: Forget your name, you've got a fight to win!
Smoky Quartz: I think a Rose Quartz, and an Amethyst... make a...
*Smoky Quartz summons Steven's shield and throws it up in the air. They then summon Amethyst's whip, jump into the air and grab the shield with their whip, combining the two weapons into a yo-yo.*
Smoky Quartz: ...Smoky Quartz.
"Because fusions are the only things that can beat Jasper, get it? Sure hope this won't come back to bite anyone in the Gems in the near future." Mew said sarcastically.
"Anyways, Jasper fused with a Corrupted Gem, still gets beaten by Smoky Quartz, and then gets corrupted due to fusing with said Corrupted Gem. And while getting corrupted, she basically rants about how Steven, who she thinks is Rose, had ruined her life by 'shattering' her diamond: Pink Diamond. And then she gets poofed by the metal rod Peridot had been trying to move throughout the entire episode." Mew explained, before letting out a relieved sigh.
"And it seems like they had learned from their mistake with how they handle the whole Malachite thing and the Cluster, because at least Jasper went out with a fight, and she got corrupted by her own decisions to fuse with a Corrupted Gem, all because she wanted to get the satisfaction of fusing again." Mew said.
"However, the penultimate episode of this season did Rose dirty, and thus, began the path for the hatred towards her." Mew said grimly.
"In the episode, the Rubies returned back to Earth from Neptune and all the other planets because they hadn't found Jasper. So the best they could come up with: Amethyst shape-shifting into Jasper and pretending to be her. What surprises me is that it works, especially since it was confirmed that one of the Rubies, Eyeball, knew Jasper back when they worked for Pink Diamond.
"Anyways, once they get to the Moon Base, Eyeball drops the bombshell that causes most of the fanbase to hate Rose for being a 'hypocrite' for bubbling up Bismuth for wanting to shatter Gems when she had 'shattered' Pink." Mew said.
*The group begin to climb the staircase to the top control room, as "Eyeball" tells the tale about Pink Diamond's demise.*
"Eyeball": Earth was Pink Diamond's colony. Everything was going smoothly at first. Kindergartens were incubating their first soldiers. Big, warm pieces of Quartz, like this mountain over here- *looks at Amethyst* -were being created from its rich minerals with great success. Then BAM! One of Pink Diamond's very own Quartz soldiers started a rebellion and took it too far. *turns towards Amethyst* Where were you when it happened?
Amethyst (Jasper): Oh, you know, around?
"Eyeball": I was there. I saw it with my own eye. I watched the leader of the Crystal Gems, Rose Quartz, shatter Pink Diamond!
*Everyone freezes as "Eyeball" reveals the stunning fact. Steven glares in disbelief at Garnet and Pearl, who is shivering violently and covering her mouth.*
Steven: No! Rose Quartz would never do that! *tears up* A-And, sure, she had to fight but- but she would never shatter someone!
*Amethyst and the Homeworld Rubies turn to look at Steven.*
"Congratulations, Rebecca Sugar and the Crewniverse. You had ruined Rose's character and legacy. What more can you do to her at this point?" Mew asked.
"Anyways, the Rubies eventually figure out the ruse, knocked out to space by Sardonyx and they drag Steven out with them, which brings us to the season 3 finale, 'Bubbled'. During said episode, Steven, for some odd reason, is trying to convince Eyeball that he's Rose, which is one of the biggest mistakes he can make. Why? Because he actually succeeded by healing her, which leads us to this mess," Mew said.
"Eyeball": The mighty Rose Quartz...
*"Eyeball" snickers as her gem shimmers, and she pulls a chisel knife out of her gem.*
Steven: *chuckles nervously* Huh?
"Eyeball": I never thought I'd get a chance like this. I can't believe you're all mine!
*"Eyeball" dashes towards Steven and begins to attack him. Steven dodges her attacks and expands his bubble, creating some distance between him and "Eyeball".*
Steven: Why are you attacking me?!
"Eyeball": Don't act surprised, Rose Quartz! You shattered a Diamond!
Steven: Whoa!
*"Eyeball" starts chasing Steven in circles inside the bubble. "Eyeball" laughs manically while Steven screams for his life.*
"Eyeball": Ooh, I'm gonna get ya! I'm gonna take your gem and bring it back!
Steven: What?! No! Please don't take my gem! Wait, what would even happen to me?
*Steven stops running to think, and "Eyeball" bumps into him. "Eyeball" has Steven pinned down, with her chisel knife floating right above them.*
"Eyeball": Ha!
*"Eyeball" grabs the chisel knife and aims it at Steven's gem, preparing to cut it out.*
Steven: W-Wait! You don't have to do this!
"Eyeball": *laughs* Oh, give it up already! You can't take this away from me! I'm gonna be a legend! I'll go down in history! What will the Diamonds say when they hear that a Ruby defeated Rose Quartz!? They're gonna give me my own Pearl! *bites the pommel of the knife and laughs in delight*
Steven: Wah?! Wait! Please listen! I'm really not my mom! I don't want to hurt you! Just- Just think for a second. We're lost out in space. How are you going to get back to Homeworld alone?
"Eyeball": I've already made up my mind!
*"Eyeball" jabs her chisel knife towards Steven, when he quickly grabs her arm, holding his breath, dispels his bubble and flings her away into space.*
"I think this joke speaks for itself," Mew said.
"Stupid! You're so stupid!"
"Exactly. Thanks, host for Wheel of Fish," Mew said.
"Anyways, the Crystal Gems find Steven, bring him onto the ship and they all head home. All while destroying Rose's character more and more," Mew said.
Steven: ... How come nobody told me about Pink Diamond?
Garnet: We all did what we had to during the war. Everything's different now.
Steven: But did Mom really do it? Did she really... shatter her?
Garnet: She had to. The Earth belonged to Pink Diamond. Destroying her was the only way to save the planet. For Amethyst to be herself, for Pearl to be free, for me to be together. For you to exist.
Steven: But I thought... A-At least she'd never...
Garnet: She didn't always do what was best for her. But she always did what was best for Earth.
Steven: Even if it meant shattering someone...
Garnet: Yes.
Steven: *sighs deeply* ... Thanks for telling me.
"And that was the first three seasons of this show! It has a lot of problems, but the more obvious one was how Rose Quartz/Pink Diamond went from being this kind and compassionate Gem who may had kept secrets to protect everyone to being a hypocrite who will kill any Diamonds to protect the planet, yet poof her own allies for wanting to do the same. And that's not who Rose is at all.
"In fact, it's kind of obvious that no one knew what they were doing with Rose at all. Somehow, some fans who like her kept her in character, which proves that at times, the fans can make better content than the people who make the official product." Mew ranted before sighing.
"And of course, due to the length of this show, I have to do a part 2 of this review just to finish the original show. But first," Mew said, pulling out a Pokégear and dialing a random number.
"Hey Regigigas. What's up? Yeah, listen. A bunch of angry mobs made of angry fans made your kids look like the undead Regi Trio. Uh huh. You're already on your way here? Great. See you soon," Mew said before hanging up.
"If I'm gonna finish this review, I'm making sure that these fans know who they're messing with." Mew said with a smirk.
"There's the flying kitten who doesn't like Steven Universe! Get him!" Another angry fan mob shouted as they ran towards him, swords in hand.
Mew rolled his eyes as he teleported them away.
"Well, there's the 17th mob. Wonder why they didn't show up at any point of this review. Anyways, they're the last mob, because when Regigigas shows up, no one is getting past him." Mew said.
To be continued…
Next time: Steven Universe Part 2 (Season 4-5)
(Cue instrumental version of theme song)
Credits:
The New Scooby and Scrappy-Doo Show
Steven Universe
Nostalgia Critic Quest For Camelot
Bulbapedia
UHF
Dragon Ball Z
ToucanLDM's EVERY Animated Segment from Animation Lookback: WDAS +(See the portion about Frozen to get the angry mob reference)