Opening Montage
Music: "High School Never Ends" by Bowling For Soup
Open with a shot of Quinn in the kitchen making a S'mores 'n' Pores video. From there cut to a shot of Jim in the garage making a Jim The Car Guy video. From there we cut to a shot of Tommy, Timmy and Teddy at school. They look bored in class. Cut to a shot of them at recess. Tommy is visibly lording over the other kids while Timmy is among Tommy's obvious admirers. Teddy sits alone reading. He looks up from his book to shake his head disdainfully at his brothers. After this cut to a shot of Quinn, Jim, the boys and Daria in church as a bride walks down the aisle. While the rest of the family is visibly moved Daria pulls up a newspaper and starts reading while Teddy does the exact same thing. From there cut to a shot of Jim at a bar drinking beer with Jamie, Tom and Trent. We then cut to a shot of Quinn, Nicole and Sandi gossiping at a cafe table. Pan over to reveal Daria and Jane standing nearby giving them disdainful looks. Next, a shot of Timmy doing magic tricks. While the other adults are amused Jim is visibly embarrassed. Next shot is Tommy impressing kids with graffiti. Jim sees this and chases Tommy down in a manner similar to Homer chasing down Bart. Cut to Teddy with a Daria like smirk on his face. Finally, a shot of Quinn and Jim standing in their suburban front yard with the triplets standing in front of them. Daria joins the family in the portrait like shot and they're all smiles. A circle forms around the family portrait (which includes Daria) with the following caption at the bottom...
The Carbones
in
"Lie Fishing"
written by
WildDogJJ
Act I
Cape Cod, Massachusetts...
Two identical steel bridges cross the canal at opposite ends. They are the Bourne Bridge and the Sagamore Bridge. Just west of the Bourne Bridge is a railroad bridge across the canal that looks like London's Tower Bridge.*
*(These are real landmarks, BTW.)
After the railroad bridge cut to the southwestern corner of the cape and we see a large yet quaint oceanfront town. On the road leading into town is a sign that reads "Welcome to Historic Falmouth, Massachusetts". The town square that looks like something from a Norman Rockwell painting. From there cut to a row of beach houses on the Nantucket Sound. In the background we can see the island known as Martha's Vineyard in the distance. We zoom in on one of the beach houses, a white New England two-story. The porch is in the rear, facing Nantucket Sound. Standing in the carport facing the street is a woman in her mid-to-late sixties who still has some jet black locks among the rapidly graying hair. This woman is dressed in a manner similar to Clare DeFoe, the old art teacher at Lawndale High. The woman's name is Virginia Carbone, but everyone calls her Ginny. She's Tony Carbone's sister as well as Jim's godmother. Ginny suddenly smiles and waves as a blue 2016 Chevy Camaro ZL1 comes up the street. It's Jim's car.
Jim's Camaro pulls into Ginny's driveway and comes to a stop. Once the engine shuts off both doors open. Jim emerges from the driver's side while Tommy emerges from the passenger side. This is followed by both of them leaning the seats forward to allow Timmy and Teddy to emerge from the back.
Elated to see them, Ginny said "Jim! Boys! How are you?"
Jim hugged his aunt.
"We're good, Anut Ginny."
Added Teddy "If you don't count the five excruciating hours Tommy and I just spent in the back of a Camaro, that is."
Jim shot Teddy a nasty look while Ginny smiled. "I like the way you think, Teddy" she said.
The old hippie chick was suddenly ambushed by Tommy and Timmy in a hug.
Tommy and Timmy: "Aunt Ginny!"
Ginny returned the hug. "Oh, you sweet little boys!"
The triplets loved Aunt Ginny because she spoiled them rotten. With no children of her own she'd often been a second mother to Jim when he was growing up and was now like a third grandmother to the triplets. After the hug, Ginny turned her attention to Jim.
"It's a shame Quinn and Daria couldn't make it."
"Quinn wanted to come" Jim explained, "but she's sick. Thank God it's just a regular cold and not covid!"
Ginny nodded in agreement. "True. I gather Daria stayed behind to take care of her sister."
Teddy deadpanned "That's her story and she's sticking with it."
Jim shot Teddy another look.
To ease the tension, Ginny said "I admire your honesty, Teddy. Never lose it, because it often disappears with age...or entering politics."
Teddy flashed a Daria-like grin.
Casa Carbone, day...
The weather outside was overcast and it's raining heavily. Inside, in the living room, a robe clad Quinn was sitting on the couch watching Fashionvision. She looked like she was suffering from a hangover, but that was actually a sinus headache. There was a wastebasket at her feet already overflowing with used tissues. Quinn's eyes suddenly watered up, then...
"AHHHHHHHHH-CHOO, AH-CHOO, AH-CHOO!"
After the sneezing fit she took a fresh tissue from the box, blew her nose and added it to the already over-filled waste basket.
It was at that point that Daria entered the living room. "I still don't understand why you were okay with Jim and the boys going ahead with this long weekend on the Cape."
Quinn proceeded to explain. "Be...AH-CHOO...Because he needs to spend more time bonding with them. It would...AH-CHOO...would've been nice to see Aunt Ginny, bu...sniffle...bu...sniffle...b...AH-CHOO...but I don't mind."
Quinn took another tissue, blew her nose again, and added it to the waste basket. This time, however, because the basket's so full the tissue rolls off and lands on the floor.
Daria uses a pencil to pick the tissue up. She scrunches her nose in disgust as she does this. "Not to steal your line, but ew." Daria then placed the spent tissue on top of the others and took out the waste basket. A second later, she returned with the waste basket now empty and placed it next to Quinn.
Feeling bad for her sister, Quinn said "You know, Daria, you don't have to spend your time babysitting me. Why don't you head into the city and hang out with Jane?"
Daria pointed out the window. "Quinn, it's a monsoon out there and, according to the forecast, the weather's only gonna get worse. Besides, the way your nose is dripping someone has to make sure Jim and the boys don't come home to a biohazard."
Quinn suddenly had a sly grin on her face. "You really care about us, don't you?"
Daria replied "Well, you and Jim are letting me live here rent free."
Quinn knew better, and did not hesitate to say so. "You may be able to fool everyone else into thinking you're an emotionless robot, but not me, sis."
In her usual dead pan, Daria said "I guess I need a better disguise. Living tissue over a robot endo-skeleton isn't cutting it anymore."
Quinn raised an eyebrow.
"Bad joke" Daria explained, "I binge watched all six Terminator movies on Netflix last night. I recommend stopping at Terminator 2."
Quinn started to laugh, but that just lead to another sneezing fit.
Aunt Ginny's house, evening...
The dinning room had all manner of maritime decor befitting a beach house on Cape Cod. Ginny, Jim and the boys were eating Scampi e Linguine for dinner. Timmy was especially enjoying his with gusto.
"This is even better than when Dad makes it!"
Jim took slight offense. "Hey!"
Smiling, Ginny said "Thanks, Timmy. I'm actually the one who taught your father how, but he does tend to overdo the shrimp."
"Traitor" replied Jim in a playful tone.
Ginny stifled a laugh. "By the way, how's my uptight big brother?"
Knowing that she's referring to Tony, Jim said "Dad, he's good."
Ginny raised an eyebrow.
"Except when talking politics" Jim continued, "He refuses to accept that Trump lost the election fair and square."
Added Teddy "And I continue to be amazed that he's a die hard Republican from a family of Kennedy worshippers."
"My brother just likes to fight with family" Ginny explained, "I think that's his way of expressing love...and so's his frequent bragging about the one-hundred communists he killed in Vietnam."
They all laughed.
After the laughter, Ginny asked "So, where do you wanna fish tomorrow?"
"Where do you think is best?" asked Jim in turn.
Thinking out loud, Ginny said "Well, there are some nice ones on Cape Cod Bay, but my boat's at the marina here so fishing in the Sound would be more convenient." She appears thoughtful for a second. "Let's do the Sound. You can see all the way to Nantucket on a clear day there."
Jim nodded in agreement. "Alright, Nantucket Sound it is!"
Falmouth Harbor Marina, day...
At one of the piers Ginny had just lowered her small speed boat, The Sea Belle, into the water. She immediately took the wheel.
"All aboard!"
Jim and the triplets eagerly boarded Ginny's boat. Once on board she started the engine and slowly moved out to the harbor.
Later...
The boat has now exited the marina and is at the point where the narrow harbor lets out into Nantucket Sound. Once clear of the jetty's...
"All right" said Ginny, "everyone hold tight!"
Ginny takes her boat to full throttle and races for open water. Jim, Tommy and Timmy enjoy the ride. Teddy, on the other hand, is starting to look a little green.
"THIS IS AWESOME!" yelled an excited Timmy.
Added Tommy "AUNT GINNY'S A BADASS!"
Teddy says nothing, but looks very sickly. Jim notices this.
"HEY, TEDDY, YOU ALRIGHT!?"
He pats Teddy on the back and immediately learns that was the last thing he should've done as Teddy responds by puking all over the place.
Nantucket Sound, later...
The boat is now stopped and Jim was cleaning up the last of Teddy's vomit.
"Sorry I puked on your boat, Aunt Ginny" said Teddy.
Ginny shrugged it off. "That's okay, Teddy. It's not the first time my deck's been puked on and it probably won't be the last either."
Added Jim "Next time try and do it over the side." With that, he dumps the bucket of puke over the side.
Meanwhile, Tommy and Timmy were attaching live crickets to their fishing lines.
"Can you really catch salt water fish with crickets?" asked Tommy.
Ginny said "You can catch anything with crickets."
"Cool!"
Timmy was playing with his live cricket. "What should I name you, little buddy?"
Seeing this, Jim said "Dammit, Timmy, those aren't pets! No put it on the line so we can catch some fish."
Timmy put the cricket on, but isn't paying attention as he does. Suddenly...
"OW!"
Timmy managed to accidentally cut his hand on the hook. He immediately panicked.
"AHHH! I'M BLEEDING!"
He held his hand over the edge, letting his blood drip into the water.
"Aunt Ginny" said Jim, "where's the first aid kit?"
Ginny reached under the console, pulled out a small first aid kit and handed it to Jim. Jim proceeded to bandage Timmy's hand.
Meanwhile, in the water Timmy's blood mixed with Teddy's puke. The puke/blood mix flowed through the water until it touched the snout of...something.
Music: "Jaws Theme" by John Williams
That something was a great white shark. The mixture of blood and upchuck affected the shark in a manner similar to chum. The shark followed the scent towards Ginny's boat.
Casa Carbone, at that moment...
The rain has now escalated into a full blown thunderstorm. In the living room Daria and Quinn were watching TV. Quinn's no longer having sneezing spells but still feels under the weather. On the TV screen was a little boy tied to a shark lure on open ocean.
TV Announcer: "He wanted to catch a Great White Shark...SO HE USED HIS SON AS BAIT! The Child Abusing Shark Hunter, next on Sick, Sad World!"
As the TV cut to a commercial Daria remarked "It makes you wonder what Jim's doing, doesn't it?"
Quinn said "Only if he wants me to feed HIM to a man eating shark!"
Suddenly, there was a loud clap of thunder. This caused the whole house to go dark.
"Just great!" said Daria.
Quinn was surprisingly unfazed. "Three...two...one.."
Suddenly, there's the sound of an engine roaring to life in the backyard, followed by everything coming back on.
Turning to Quinn, Daria asked "Jim installed one of those automatic generators, didn't he?"
Quinn nodded. "And since we make our living on the internet he was able to write it off at tax time."
At this point the phone rang. Since Quinn was right next to it she answered.
"Hello?"
Jim's psychiatrist, Dr. Barone, was on the other end. Dr. Barone looked like she was hung over with a runny nose and is surrounded by used tissues. "Hello, is Jim Carbone there?"
Quinn said "May I ask who's calling?"
"Doctor Lisa Barone, his psychiatrist."
Quinn's jaw dropped. He told me Dr. Barone was a man! "LISA Barone!?"
Dr. Barone was too sick to note the change in Quinn's demeanor. "Yes, am I speaking to Mrs. Carbone?"
Quinn was visibly struggling not to explode. In an icy tone, she said "Yes! Jim's not here right now!"
Dr. Barone asked "Could you tell him I have a really bad cold and need to reschedule Tuesday's appointment? I've got that cold that's been going around."
"Yes!" said Quinn in a tone far more menacing than intended.
"Do you need to write it down?"
Quinn growled "I lost my pen...IN MY HUSBAND'S LYING ASS!"
As Quinn angrily hung up as Daria noted the change in her sister's behavior. "Something wrong, Quinn?"
Quinn suddenly frowned and her shoulders sagged. "Jim's banging his therapist."
Daria gasped in shock.
Act II
Aunt Ginny's boat, Nantucket Sound...
Jim, the triplets and Aunt Ginny were peacefully fishing. They are so far out as to not have sight of land, but know where they are.
Meanwhile, under the water...
Music: "Jaws Theme" by John Williams
A Great White Shark that is thrity feet (ten meters) in length circles under the boat sizing up it's prey.
The boat...
Unaware that they are now being hunted Jim and company continue to fish. Suddenly, there was a tug on Jim's line.
"Yes!"
Jim reels in as the Jaws suspense music gets louder and more intense. Finally, up comes...A Red Snapper!
"Will ya look at that!?"
"Way to go, Dad!" said an excited Tommy.
As Jim put his catch in the cooler there was a tug on Teddy's line. He strains to reel it in. "Damn, this fish is strong!"
Jim cheered his son on. "You can do it, Teddy!"
Teddy put some serious umph into it and reeled in a cod. "It'll do."
As he takes his catch to the cooler something tugs on Timmy's line, causing the boy to become visibly excited.
"I GOT ONE!"
Timmy struggled to reel his in. Whatever's on Timmy's line suddenly swims away from the boat at greater speed than one would think a regular fish capable of.
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Timmy was pulled over the side into the water. He immediately panicked.
"GAH! HELP ME!"
Jim immediately dove in and grabbed the boy before he goes under.
"Relax, Timmy, I got you!"
Timmy calms down.
"Climb on my back!" said Jim.
Timmy climbed on his father's back and holds on tight as Jim swims toward the boat.
"Dad, I'm sorry!"
"Relax, Timmy, it happens."
In the boat Ginny, Tommy and Teddy's faces were frozen in an expression of pure terror. Seeing this made Jim wonder what the hell was going on.
"Um, guys!?"
All were too terrified to speak. Ginny nervously pointed behind Jim and Timmy. Jim turned around and saw the dorsal fin rapidly approaching from behind. "You've gotta be shitting me!?" He turns around. "SHARK!"
As the Jaws music intensifies the shark comes in fast and straight like a torpedo, hell bent on having Jim and Timmy for lunch. Regaining her composure, Ginny takes a life tube attached to a rope and tosses it at Jim and Timmy.
"GRAB ON!"
Both Jim and Timmy do so. As Ginny pulls them in with help from Tommy and Teddy, Jim and Timmy provide further aid by paddling as hard as they can. Soon they've reached the edge of the boat. Jim immediately hoists Timmy up onto the boat. The shark rapidly closes in on Jim as he grabs the side of the boat and hoists himself over. No sooner is Jim on the boat than the shark surfaces with it's rows of massive teeth bared. It jumps onto the boat and Jim narrowly avoids having a chunk bitten out of him. The shark is so large and heavy that it pulls that whole side of the boat under. In response Jim, Ginny and the boys clung to the other side of the boat for dear life. The shark slid off the side back into the water, flinging that side of the boat up so hard that the side the people are clinging to submerges for a second while the resurfacing of the other side triggers a massive splash that covers everything in sea water. The side the people are holding onto is only in the water for a second before it resurfaces, creating a second splash that water logs everything. Finally, the boat stablizes. Except for being all wet and terrified, Jim, Ginny and the boys are fine.
Shocked, Jim said "Since when are there great whites in these waters!?"
"Since climate change" Teddy deadpanned. A second later, he added "Based on what happened just now I'd say that shark's a 30-footer."
"That's why it attacked" said Ginny, "Probably decided we're a better meal than cod, flounder and sea bass."
Suddenly, the shark leapt out of the water behind them. All thrity feet of it come down on the boat right next to them. As Jim, Ginny and the boys clung to the front of the boat the shark slid down the back and into the water, taking the boat's outboard off in the process.
"Shit!" exclaimed Ginny, "We needed that to outrun the damn thing!"
A second later the outboard resurfaced...in pieces.
Frightened, Tommy and Timmy looked at Teddy.
"Teddy, you're smart" said Tommy, "Are we screwed!?"
Teddy emitted a forlorn sigh. "Yeah, we're screwed." He sighed again. "Why didn't I just stay home, where nothing interesting ever happens?"
Casa Carbone, at that moment...
The sky is dark, there's torrential rain, holwing wind, thunder and lightening. While a violent thunderstorm rages outside another storm is brewing inside as a visibly pissed off Quinn paces around and explains to Daria what's going on.
"I can't believe Jim lied and told me Dr. Barone was a man! HOW DARE HE!"
Daria rolled her eyes. "Are you sure? Maybe he said Dr. Barone was a woman and we all just forgot."
Quinn shot a nasty look at Daria, causing the latter to both sigh and backpedal. "Actually, I do distinctly recall Jim saying Dr. Barone's a man."
Fuming, Quinn said "I don't know what's worse, Jim cheating on me or the fact that he's doing it with HIS THERAPIST! ARRRGGGGHHHHH!"
Quinn angrily knocked over a table lamp, causing it to shatter on the floor. Daria tried to be the voice of reason.
"You know, Quinn, just because Jim lied about his therapist's gender doesn't mean anything inappropriate's going on."
Quinn was not having it.
"Get real, Daria! Why else would Jim not tell me his psychiatrist's a woman!? HE'S FUCKING HER!"
"It's interesting that that's your first assumption" Daria noted.
"Come on, Daria! What better way to deflect suspicion than by claiming she's a he?"
Daria said "Either you've watched too many daytime soap opreas or Jim's cheated on you before."
Quinn hesitated before speaking. "Jim's always been faithful...until now!"
Ignoring Quinn's hesitation, Daria said "Then you need to lay off the soaps."
"But, Daria, why else would he lie about his therapist's gender?"
"I'm no expert" said Daria, "but I'm inclined to think it's because he knew you'd get crazy suspicious if you knew the doctor treating him's a woman."
Quinn's face turned white as a sheet as she realized that fear of her overreaction would be an incentive to lie.
Suddenly, Daria got an idea. "Quinn, let's head to the office. I just figured out a way to determine the liklihood of Jim sleeping with his therapist."
Ginny's boat, Nantucket Sound...
The sky's starting to get cloudy as the eastern edge of the storm currently raging over Long Island has reached Cape Cod. Jim and the boys are keeping an eye out for the shark while Ginny attempts to radio the Coast Guard for help.
"Mayday! Mayday! This is The Sea Belle! Our outbaord was damaged in a shark attack and we're adrift in Nantucket Sound! Do you copy!"
Nothing but static comes over the radio.
Meanwhile, Jim said to the boys "You guys see anything?"
All three of the triplets shake their heads. Giving up on the radio, Ginny walked over to Jim.
"Any luck?" Jim asked.
Ginny shook her head. "The radio must've gotten water logged from all the water we took on when that shark tried to capsize us. All I'm getting is static. I doubt anyone's even recieved my SOS."
Teddy shook his head. "Great! So, we're adrift, we can't call for help and, judging by those clouds, there's a storm coming."
Nervous, Timmy asked "Are we gonna die!?"
Tommy asked "Where are we, anyway?"
Jim said "Timmy, we're gonna be fine." He turned to Ginny. "Aunt Ginny, where exactly are we anyway?"
Ginny sighed. "I don't know. That shark attack took out our GPS."
Panicked, Timmy said "WE ARE GONNA DIE!"
As Timmy started crying Teddy turned to Ginny. "Aunt Ginny, is there a way to get this boat back to land without an outbaord?"
Ginny shook her head. "That would require either oars or a sail, and we don't have either of those things. All we can do is give the radio time to dry off and then try calling the coast guard again."
Teddy sighed. "I can't believe this! Of all the things that could go wrong, why'd it have to be a shark that's bigger than this boat?"
Added Ginny "A shark that couldn't be found in these waters until ten years ago."
"Damn climate change" said Teddy in a Daria like deadpan. He let out another sigh before continuing. "At least it's gone now."
What none of them knew was that the shark under water swimming circles around the adrift boat, as if sizing them up for another go.
Casa Carbone...
The violent storm continues to rage outside. Inside, in the home office, Daria was on one of the computers while Quinn sat next to her. They've just done a full internet search on Lisa Barone.
Turning to her sister, Daria said "Quinn, I think your concerns are way overblown. I've looked up Dr. Barone on Yelp, LinkedIn, PsychCentral and dozens of other professional websites and they all say the same thing. Dr. Barone is caring toward her patients yet also very professional. By all accounts she stringently follows the ethical guidelines of her profession and takes her Hippocartic Oath very seriously."
Quinn didn't enitrely understand. "Meaning?"
Daria proceeded to explain. "Quinn, it's both illegal and a breach of professional ethics for a doctor to have a sexual relationship with a patient. If such a thing were to happen then said doctor risks both criminal charges and losing their license. Everything I've read about Dr. Barone strongly indicates that she takes the ethics of her profession very seriously. She would never risk her career by becoming sexually or romantically involved with a patient. I seriously doubt Jim's having an affair with this woman. Even if he wanted to, she'd almost certainly rebuff his advances."
"So, I overreacted?"
Daria nodded. "Yes, but don't put on the party hat just yet. While Jim is almost certainly not cheating on you it was still pretty shitty of him to lie and claim his therapist was a man when in fact she's a woman."
Quinn sighed.
Daria immediately grew suspicious. "There's more to this, isn't there?"
Shaking, Quinn nodded.
"Jim actually did cheat on me once."
Daria gasped. Quinn proceeded to explain.
"It was right after the boys were born. We were invited to a vid con on the west coast. Since one of us had to stay and take care of the babies we decided I'd stay and he'd go. While he was there he had a one night stand with another famous YouTuber." Pause. "I'd rather not say who, but she does Cosplay and Gaming on her channel and models lingerie on her Instagram."
Daria said "I never took you as the type to forgive infidelity."
"It's complicated" said Quinn, "To his credit, Jim confessed right away when he came home. I was beyond pissed. He actually had to live in a cheap motel for a week while I decided what to do."
Daria looked at her sister with a mix of morbid curiosity and harsh judgment.
Quinn said "Daria, I know what you're thinking and I wish life really were that simple, but it isn't. Divorcing Jim would've meant dividing up our business, our parental responsibilities, everything. I didn't want to lose half my livlihood and I didn't want the boys growing up without a father. Also, I still love Jim and I could tell that he still loved me. He confessed what he did right away without any prodding on my part and he was genuinely sorry. Also, a one night stand in another state is not as great a transgression as a full blown affair. Because of all that I decided to give him another chance. I kept Jim on a short leash for some time after that and gradually allowed him more freedom as I came to trust him again. Jim accepted the loss of freedom as he understood that he had brought it on himself."
"But you're afraid it could happen again?"
Quinn nodded. "Rationally, I know it's highly unlikely. Jim has always demonstrated that he learns from his mistakes. He learned that he's not as strong as he thought and now makes extra sure to avoid tempting situations. Still, he betrayed me and let himself down in the process. If it happened once, what's to stop it happening again?"
Daria said nothing but looked slightly unnerved. This was actually because Quinn's story reminded her just a little too much of the Tom Thing.
Ginny's boat, Nantucket Sound...
The sky is now completely overcast as Jim, Ginny and the boys remain adrift.
"Think we should try the radio again?" asked Jim.
Ginny nodded. "It's worth a shot. Besides, our chances are better if we get rescued before passing Monomoy Island."
"Why?" asked Tommy.
Timmy asked "What's past Monomoy Island?"
Teddy sighed. "About three-thousand miles of ocean. The next piece of land after Monomoy is Ireland."
Timmy struggled not to cry in terror.
Meanwhile, Ginny was speaking into the radio. "Mayday! Mayday! This is The Sea Belle, home port Falmouth, Massachusetts! We are disabled and adrift in Nantucket Sound, more than ten knots south/southeast of Falmouth! Request assistance, over!"
Nothing but static comes out of the radio. Ginny sighs.
"Still waterlogged. I don't know if our distress call's even being received."
Teddy said "At least this can't get any worse."
Suddenly, the boat was bumped from underneath...hard.
"GAAAHHHH!"
The shark resurfaced on the boat's left side. It makes a huge chomp into the air with it's jaws before diving under. Seeing this caused Timmy to pee his pants.
(Author's note: I don't know nautical terms and, since I have a life outside of this, don't have time for research.)
Music: "Jaws Theme"
As the music intensifies the shark rams the boat again from the right side. This ram was so hard it caused the left side to briefly dip under and take on water. Once the boat stablizes Jim turns to Ginny.
"Do you have a harpoon, or a flare gun?"
Ginny shook her head. "We can't kill it anyway! Great white's are on the endangered species list!"
"Funny" said Teddy, "it feels like we're the endangered ones in this case."
Ginny tried to be optimistic. "It'll have to give up at some point!"
Just then, the shark hit the boat from behind. This caused it to tip forward, dipping the bow underwater.
"IT'S TRYING TO CAPSIZE US!" Jim shouted.
Suddenly, there was the sound of wood and fiberglass breaking. After this, the rear of the boat came back down with a hard splash as the bow resurfaced. Everyone held on for dear life. Finally, things calm down and they all breathe a collective sigh of relief.
"Why's it keep attacking us?" asked Tommy.
Teddy said "Because people lost at sea are more filling than cod and flounder."
Seized by morbid curiosity, Timmy looked over the side. Jim saw this.
"TIMMY, GET AWAY FROM THERE!"
Timmy pulled back.
"S...Sorry! I...um, the water looks higher than normal!"
Jim gasped in horror. He immediately looks over the side and sees that the water level appears to be rapidly rising. Jim then runs to the rear, the last part of the boat the shark hit. There he discovered, to his horror, that a huge chunk of the hull was missing.
"That shark took a massive chunk out of the boat's hull! WE'RE SINKING!"
They then saw the massive dorsal fin going in ever narrowing circles around the boat.
"It's official" said Teddy, "this can't get any worse."
Suddenly, there's a loud clap of thunder and it starts raining.
"I was wrong."
Act III
Ginny's boat (which is sinking), Nantucket sound...
As it rains Jim, Ginny and the triplets are moving toward the front of the boat as the rear is almost underwater. The shark was circling ever closer. Ginny grabbed the radio and frantically tried to call for help.
"Mayday! Mayday! This is the Sea Belle, sinking and under attack by a great white shark! Send help, over!"
Through the crackling a voice can be heard.
"bzzt...Read...bzzzzt...co-or...bzzzt...ov...crackle..."
Ginny speaks again.
"Co-Ordinates unknown! GPS is damaged! We're in the Nantucket sound! Based on the current and where we were when we lost GPS we're most likely 10 knots southeast of Hyannis, over!"
The only response from the radio is static.
"FUCK!" Ginny angrily exclaimed.
At this point, the shark surfaced as if to make it's presence known before diving again.
Frightened, Timmy cried out "WAAAAHHHHHH! WE'RE GONNA DIE!"
Jim said nothing. He's right! There's no way out of this!
Meanwhile, at Casa Carbone...
The thunderstorm continued to rage outside. In the living room Daria was trying to understand the dirty little secret from Quinn's past that was shared earlier.
"You let Jim off the hook after he cheated! Do you have any self-respect!?"
Quinn was hurt by this.
"Daria!"
"If he loved you, he wouldn't have cheated on you."
"Daria" said Quinn, "it was seven years ago and Jim's done everything humanly possible to make it up to me in that time."
Daria said "Or, he's gaslighting you! Quinn, he cheated!"
"Daria, it was a one time thing that we've both worked damn hard to get past!"
Daria said "If you're so over it, then why do you get suspicious whenever he has any unsupervised interaction with another woman?"
Quinn explained "Because you never get one-hundred percent over this. I forgave him and he has since proven time and again that he's sorry for what he did and will never do it again."
Skeptical, Daria said "Until he does, you mean. Quinn, cheating is the one thing that should never be forgiven in a relationship."
"If everyone thought like that, Daria, then EVERY marriage would end in divorce" Quinn retorted.
"We're human beings. We have rational thought and self-control."
Quinn played her trump card.
"Daria, you of all people should know that we aren't as in control of our impulses as we think we are."
(Author's note: I couldn't convert the rest to prose because the site's security check apparently defines a bicycle differently from the rest of us. If anyone wants to get mad because the rest of the chapter is script, direct your wrath at and not me!)
Daria: "What do you mean by that, Quinn?"
Quinn: "Tom."
Daria: "That's different!"
Quinn: "No it isn't! You stole him off of Jane. It took a while, but she eventually forgave you and even gave you and Tom her blessing once she was over the initial shock. I forgave Jim because I felt he deserved another chance. I wouldn't have forgiven a full on affair, but it was a one night stand that he copped to right away and has made clear over the years how much he regrets it. Given all the good in our relationship I made the call that it wasn't worth ending over one mistake, big as that mistake was."
Daria: "You should NEVER forgive something like that, Quinn."
Quinn: "So, does that mean if Jane stole a boyfriend off of you in high school you'd still be on poor terms with her?"
That shut Daria up.
Quinn: "That's what I thought."
Daria stands there with a look of intense self-doubt on her face.
Scene 3
Ext. Shot: Nantucket Sound
It's raining and the choppy water's accelerating the rate at which the boat's sinking. Jim, Ginny and the boys are frantically clinging to the bow as the rear of the boat is now submerged. Timmy is so scared that he can only stare wide eyed and shake uncontrollably. Cut to Tommy.
Tommy: "Hali Mary, mother of grace, the Lord is with you! Blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb, our Lord Jesus Christ! Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death!"
At this moment the shark leaps up out of the water and comes down on the rear of the boat. This causes the bow to point almost straight upward.
Everyone: "AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The shark chomps tenaciously in anticipation of the meal to come as Jim, Ginny and the boys cling just as tenaciously to the tip of the boat.
Timmy: "OH, GOD, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
Jim reached into his pocket and threw his wallet at the shark in a desperate bid for survival. The shark, of course, swallowed the wallet whole.
Jim: "FUCK!"
The boat is now rapidly going down. If they can't make the shark go away in the next few seconds they're all done for. Cut to Teddy's POV and we see a sheathed Bowie knife in Jim's belt. Cut to third person as Teddy has an idea.
Teddy: (thought VO) Of course! Dad brought his hunting knife to get a head start on cleaning the fish we caught, and it's sharp enough to break shark skin! (out loud) "DAD, YOUR KNIFE!"
Jim said nothing as he unsheathed the knife.
Jim: "HOLD ON TIGHT, EVERYONE!"
Ginny: "JIM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Jim: "GIVING JAWS A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE!"
Jim leapt at the shark with his knife out, intending to attack Wolverine berserker style.
Jim: "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
He lands on the sharks back, plunging the knife in as he does. Using his free hand to punch it in the gills Jim repeatedly twists and cuts the knife into the shark.
Jim: "RAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
The shark gets of the boat and dives, taking Jim with it as it thrashes around in an attempt to get the vicious human off it's back. They both disappear under the water. Cut to Ginny and the triplets staring down in horror. Cut to the water as it fills with massive amounts of blood. Cut to Ginny and the boys looking in horror.
Ginny: "Jim...no!"
All three triplets: "DAD!"
Suddenly, Jim surfaces. He's covered in blood, but none of it is his own. Cut to Ginny and the boys visibly elated that Jim's alive.
The boys: "DAD!"
As Jim climbs onto the boat the shark emerges belly up, and hideously mangled.
Ginny: "Oh...my...GOD!"
Tommy: "Dad...did..."
Jim nods.
Jim: "Yep, I killed the prehistoric bastard!"
Timmy is especially in awe.
Timmy: "Our Dad's a total badass!"
Just then, there's the sound of a helicoptor hovering above. They look up to see a Coast Guard helicoptor hovering above. Cut to later as the chopper is giving them a ride safely back to shore.
Scene 4
Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone
The storm is starting to die down, but it's still raining.
Int. Shot: Daria's room
Daria appears to be deep in thought. After a sigh, she exits her room.
Int. Shot: The living room, a few seconds later
Quinn is watching TV when Daria enters.
Daria: "Quinn, I owe you an apology. I'm sorry I gave you hell for your decision to give Jim another chance after he cheated on you years ago."
Quinn says nothing, but listens intently as Daria explains herself.
Daria: "It occurs to me that sometimes people do find themselves in situations where the temptation to do wrong is stronger than the will to resist. It happened to me when I foolishly got into a car with Tom back in high school and it happened to Jim when he was on the other side of the country. Just as I responded to my mistake by immediately confessing to Jane and trying to make amends, though I stumbled on that initially, Jim did the right thing by confessing his indescretion to you and taking the consequences."
Quinn: "That's what I was saying. No one enters a marriage expecting to cheat, but it happens. What I learned from the incident is that the true test of a marriage isn't both partners keeping to the exact letter of the vows. The true test is how they handle it when one falls short. Also, a one night stand is more forgiveable than a full blown affair."
Daria: "True, I just needed to think about it before realizing that myself. Jane gave me another chance after the Tom thing, and I've always gone the extra mile to be a better friend to her after that."
Quinn: "The same thing happened when Jim did what he did way back when. Frankly, Jim's been a much better husband since then."
Daria remembers what brought all this on.
Daria: "He still lied to you about his therapist being a woman."
Quinn: "Daria, there's no such thing as a perfect marriage. The ones that last are the ones where both spouses recognize that it's a constant work in progress. Yes, Jim lied, but all evidence indicates that's all he did, and we're DEFINITELY having a talk about that when he gets back!"
Scene 5
Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, Sunday afternoon
Int. Shot: The kitchen
Jim and the boys are telling Daria and Quinn about their harrowing adventure.
Quinn: "You're serious!?"
Tommy: "Dad was awesome!"
Timmy: "He saved us from that mean shark!"
Teddy: "You know, Dad attacking it with a knife was my idea."
Daria: "Remind me never to go salt water fishing."
They all laugh. After this, the kids run off to do something else. Once it's just adults Quinn nods at Daria.
Daria: "I'll leave you two love birds to catch up."
Daria gets up from the table and leaves.
Jim: "I see you're over your cold."
Quinn: "True, among other things."
Jim raises and eyebrow.
Jim: "What do you mean?"
Quinn: "I told Daria about the incident...vid con 2014."
Jim sighed.
Jim: "I know it's been years, but I'm still sorry about that. I learned my lesson."
Quinn: "I know. One of the reasons we're past that is we made a renewed comittment to be totally honest with each other from then on."
Jim: "I'm holding my end. After all, I still have that tracker on my cell so you'll know where I am at all times. It's a fair price to pay, and not losing you and the boys is worth it."
Quinn moves in for the kill.
Quinn: "Despite that, you recently slipped up."
Jim misunderstands what she's referring to.
Jim: "Quinn, I'm sorry about Christmas and trying to hide the fact our accounts were frozen."
Quinn: "Jim, you've had another slip since then."
Jim says nothing but looks puzzled.
Quinn: "Your therapist called to reschedule Tuesday's appointment. Lisa, I think she said her name was."
All color drained from Jim's face.
Jim: "Um...Quinn..."
Quinn gets up and walks away. Jim tries to talk to her.
Jim: "Quinn, I just thought you'd think it's weird if I saw a lady shrink, that's all!"
Quinn ignores him and continues on her way.
Jim: "QUINN, IT'S THERAPY! WE JUST TALK!"
She continues to walk away and give her husband the silent treatment.
Jim: "QUINN, COME ON!"
By now, Quinn's in another part of the house. Cut to Jim as he resigns himself to sleeping on the couch tonight.
End Credits.
Next Time
Jim starts having erotic dreams about Dr. Barone. Quinn doesn't take it well.