bleed until I can't breathe, falling onto my knees (i had so much more to say to you, so don't go)

By: MadHare

AU: Inhuman Academy

Donovan Rocker [Code Name: Starburst]: illusions {favors ones that blind you} (Mentality), Alpha

Erika Rogers [Code Name: Push-Pull]: gravity manipulation (Molecular), Omega

Denial:

Erika Rogers was a wonderful colleague, a good roommate, and a friend. Someone anyone could depend on. She was a strong woman who loved her work and her friends. We will never forget her.

Rocker threw the newspaper down in irritation, anger and grief warring in his mind. He'd spoken those words at her funeral, and they no longer felt like enough. He'd lost her, he thought angrily, hitting the wall and sliding down it. His fingers twisted into his hair, pain coming off of him at every angle. Erika was his charge, his to protect and care for while she was on his team. He'd given her and Chris the 'shovel' talk because he'd known and loved them both. They'd never made it to their first date.

He cried over Erika like she was the daughter he'd never had, not just the first night but the first week after her death. He knew her, he'd loved her, and now she was gone.

Rocker keeps thinking, playing over the day in his mind. He remembered the second his blood had frozen in his veins, the moment he'd heard she was gone. Even after a week, he keeps expecting her to come rushing through the door, ready for the challenges the day brings. He keeps wanting to call her, ask her why she isn't there on time. After a long day, he wants to call her and see if she wants to go out for drinks. Sometimes he slips on calls and asks for her opinion on a breach or a containment. His team understands. She was the first he truly trained. The others he worked with for years before his promotion to the team leader after Mumford's retirement to become a full-time teacher.

Rocker was 26 when he lost her. He was turning 27 when it finally hit her that she was gone.

For now, his pain remains muted and simmering under the surface. He doesn't feel it, but at the same time, it's like poking a bruise. He can't decide if he likes this way better than the all-consuming pain Jim Street had displayed after losing his brother on an undercover assignment.

He goes through his days in a haze, unwilling to actually do anything and lacking any motivation at all. Mumford often ended up sending him back to his dorm room, knowing he wouldn't be of any use to the classes that day. Rocker felt like a fog was covering his mind. He wanted so badly for it all to be a terrible joke. He wanted it to be a sick prank; he wanted Erika to come gliding into the room laughing so he could chew her out and wring her neck before hugging her.

He wishes he could've protected her like he protected others.

Anger:

It is uncommon for Rocker to feel so angry. In the days after the funeral, he's cried for hours at a time.

Now, though, all he can feel is burning hot, agonizing anger with the world for moving on around him. He sees people smiling around him, and all he can feel is disgust and contempt, even when he knows that it isn't their fault.

He wants to burn the world down for taking Erika from him, shred it to pieces and throw away the remains. He hardly lets anyone get close, unwilling to let others come around and hurt him. He's angry with the world for moving on, with himself for letting it happen, with Hondo for taking Erika at all, and with Erika for dying.

He lashes out constantly, breaking his body to cause pain, so he doesn't have to focus on the anger. He can't remember what he does some nights when the anger in his chest overwhelms him. He doesn't remember many things these days, but he can't control when the anger comes out. He goes to see Wendy, but she's not sure yet how to help him. One of the times he blacks out from the anger is when Wendy tells him that she can't clear him for field duty when she doesn't know what's wrong.

When he gets this angry, he goes to the school's built-in gym and takes it all out on a punching bag or an unlucky student. Most of the time, he gets Hondo coming into the ring to spar with him until Rocker drops and starts crying out of frustration. Then Hondo will wait for him to collect himself and offer to walk with Rocker to the showers. When Rocker denied it, Hondo would let Rocker be, and Rocker would break down crying again.

He stays in his room a lot, which results in many of his personal things broken, but that's fine. It distracts him from the pain of losing the girl he'd trained.

Bargaining:

He doesn't spend long saying he'd do anything to get Erika back. He knows he would; he'd run himself to the ground, lie and cheat and kill if that was what it took. He sits in his room, begging a god he doesn't believe in to bring Erica back, to take him in Erica's place. He doesn't care how it makes others feel. They'd be so happy Erica's back; they wouldn't notice he'd gone away.

He begs and pleads, hoping against hope that Erica would suddenly reappear. When she doesn't, he cries and tears at his hair.

Words don't feel like enough. Rocker knows they never will be. Not here and not now.

Depression:

He misses Erica so much. When the anger recedes and the bargaining doesn't work, pain floods his body and leaves behind a gaping wound that he doesn't know how to close. He's tired, stops answering calls, and doesn't come to the door when people call for him. He's tired, doesn't want to move, and is unable to eat anything. He can't keep anything down anyway.

It's Jim Street who comes to his door the most. Jim knows something about loss, having lost a few people himself. Rocker doesn't want to talk to him. He knows Jim only wants to help, but he can't face the pity or the shared pain. He lays in bed, pained and feeling terrible. The black hole that his heart has become had taken over his life, making it hard for him to do anything.

He isn't sure when he starts noticing the little things. He doesn't remember the last time he properly showered and he's stopped taking care of himself. He's found that he doesn't care.

Jim comes to his door again, "Don?"

"Go away," Donovon mumbles, switching sides. He hasn't cried in a while, he's not sure if it's healthy, but he doesn't really care.

"Donovan, please," Jim pleads. "I know you're upset. I just want to talk."

Donovan didn't respond, but he heard Street sit against the door. "I know you don't want to talk to anyone. I get that, I've felt that. I'm sorry you lost her. I know it hurts. It's hard to go through all that training, make the connections you did, and have Erica die after six months. It's hard not to blame someone and I know you blame us, but you also blame yourself."

Donovan sighs, then drags himself out of bed. He unlocks the door and turns away, collapsing back on his bed with a thump. With a muffled grunt, he calls, "Come in."

Jim comes in and closes the door behind him, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I'm sorry. We all miss her too."

Donovan doesn't know when he started crying, but with Street there, he felt less alone.

"I miss her," he chokes out. "I miss her."

Jim gently pulls Donovan so his head is laying in Jim's lap. "I know," he whispers, gently running his fingers through Donvan's hair. "I know."

Acceptance:

Donovan squeezes Jim's hand, then he lets go and steps up to the grave. He hasn't been here in six months, not since they laid Erica to rest in the Heroes' Cemetary. Well, her hero persona, Push-Pull. The only thing that had been in that coffin was her hero suit and accessories. Her body was buried with the rest of her family at the cemetery of her choosing, dictated by her will.

"Hey, Erica," he mumbles as he sits down at her graveside. "Sorry I didn't visit sooner, I was being sad."

He chuckles when the breeze ruffles his hair, "I know, you don't want me to be sad. I couldn't help it. You were the first person I trained when Mumford left the team to me. It's hard not to have you here. I miss you a lot, every single day."

He hears Jim shuffle behind him, maybe hearing the earth's cry below, but Jim says nothing so Donovan continues on.

"Don't worry about Chris, Luca has her covered. Don't worry about me either, I've got Jim. You remember Jim Street, right? He and I are exploring some things together. Wouldn't it make you happy to know you were right?" Donovan's eyes are wet as he laughs. The nights she'd teased him for his crush, though rare, were the ones he missed the most.

He stays there, talking with the grave for hours. He talks about his anger and how he'd wanted to die with Erica for a time. He tells her how Jim saved him, "I think you'd approve. I know you guys talked about accessories while you were still developing your costume." When he starts getting dark he stands and smiles.

"Goodbye, Erica," he says softly. With a bit of hesitance, he moves away and back to Jim's side.

Jim leans against him, "You alright, Don?"

Donovan nods, "I'm good." And while he knew that he'd had so much more to say to Erica Rogers, he also knows what's said was true.