Chapter 6 – Hard
Edward
If I wasn't in such a bad mood, I may have even thought the hair washing felt good. I'd never admit it, but the way that chick rubbed my head, mixed with the warm spray of the water, was quite relaxing. Even the blow drying wasn't as bad as I was expecting. Chicks had it way too easy, especially rich ones.
I should have known they were just buttering me up for the horror to come…
"You want me to do what now?" I asked when the chick asked me to remove my pants and underwear.
We were in a small room with no windows, and there was a single bed in the center. I had never been in a brothel before, but that was what I'd imagine they were like. The girl was hot, but surprisingly, I had zero sexual thoughts about her – usually I would have been on my tenth by now. I chalked up my lack of desires to my nerves and reluctantly did as I was told.
"Is this… like, normal?" I asked as I began to strip.
Her back was turned to me, but she giggled. "Usually. It would be hard to wax if your pants were on. Bella, you crack me up."
"That's me - Bella, the comedian," I said, suddenly feeling anxious. "Wait, did you say wax?"
"That is why we are in here," the chick confirmed.
"Oh, I thought they said something about a massage?"
She checked her clipboard, and then put it back down on the little table. "Nope, you're due for your Brazilian. We can postpone if you're not up to it," she offered.
I had no idea what a Brazilian was, except for a sexy hot foreigner, but I decided it was best to just go with it. I absolutely needed Bella to behave herself at my jobs, so if getting something waxed was how I needed to do it, then I didn't have a choice. Though, I still wasn't sure why I needed to be naked to get my legs waxed.
I had seen the YouTube videos of dudes getting waxed before, and it looked like it hurt like hell, but those guys also had grotesquely long hairy legs; at least Bella's body hair was finer and hopefully less pain inducing. Either way, it didn't make a difference. I needed to do it to keep Bella in check, and no amount of pain would stop me.
"Okay, lie back and feet in the stirrups," I was instructed.
The whole thing was odd and made zero sense, but I didn't question it. If it was something Bella did regularly, then it had to be fine. I couldn't imagine Princess Bella enduring too much discomfort.
"Spread your legs," she told me.
I reluctantly did so, and a cool breeze hit me in the nether regions. It kind of felt like cold hair hitting my dick, but it was somehow stranger. Like the coolness could go straight through me. I shivered as a response.
When something warm and wet touched that area, the unexpected feeling of it made me jolt.
"Whoa, you're jumpy today," the lady said to me.
"I just wasn't expecting that," I squeaked, unsure if I even said it loud enough for her to hear.
"I'm just giving you a good cleaning before we start waxing," she explained.
"Why would you need to clean that if you're waxing my legs. Wait…"
Now that I was in that position, a vague memory of a certain YouTube video hit me. Brazilian. That was…
"Hold on!" I shouted just as I felt the first wax strip being placed in an area that no one should ever place anything ever.
"What's wrong?" she questioned.
"You're waxing down there? Fuck that shit!" I shouted.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I've already started. It says here you were getting a Brazilian," she said confused.
"I was, but fuck that. Who in their right mind would want shit like that? Get it the fuck off of me!"
"The only way to get it off is to pull it. You might as well lie back and let me finish."
"Fuck that! Fuck all of this! You people are crazy!"
I may have been yelling out my fears, but I didn't move. In my mind, that was the price for Bella's compliance in my life, so I gritted my teeth to bear it as they ripped off whatever hair she had down there.
The pain was excruciating.
I'm not saying I screamed like a girl… but, I may have screamed like a girl.
The worst part was that she did it to me over and over again. Just when I thought she was finished, she'd rip another one off. It honestly felt like she was peeling my skin from my bones, and I wondered how I wasn't bleeding to death right then and there.
When it was finally over, everything from the waist down throbbed into a burning numbness. I don't think I was ever that physically uncomfortable in my entire life. How or why chicks put up with that was beyond all logical comprehension. It just didn't make sense. I had hair on my balls and never once did I have a thought to rip them out from the root with burning hot wax. Why? Just… why?!
The lady put some kind of cooling cream down there that only helped fractionally, but I was relieved it was over. If Bella complained for one second about bagging groceries after I just suffered through that, I wouldn't hesitate to retaliate and fuck with her life. That shit was traumatic, and she fucking owed me.
After shimmying back into Bella's pants, I hobbled out to where my body was, and made sure my anger was clear on her face.
"Was it really that bad?" she squealed sheepishly. "I'm sorry for not telling you, but it needed to get done."
I shook my head with incredulity. "Just remember I did this for you," I grumbled.
"And I appreciate it, but…" She let her words morph into a whine as she glanced towards the bathrooms.
"What?"
"I need to pee," she whispered.
"So, go," I said, not understanding the issue.
"Last time I tried to pee in your body with your thingy, it went all over the place, including on me," she explained in a panicked rush.
If my crotch wasn't currently on fire, I probably would have given her a little more sympathy. "I just got a vagina waxing for you, and you can't even use my dick to take a piss?"
"I just don't know how to do it," she admitted. "I mean, I know guys usually pee all over, which is why the boy's bathrooms are always so gross, but how do I stop it from going on me?"
I huffed. "You just aim for the toilet; it's not that hard."
"How do you aim for the toilet when you're sitting? Like, it just points up," she said clueless.
That was it.
All of my bitterness from the situation, and pain from the waxing, evaporated into thin air, and I was left doubled over in laughter.
"You peed sitting… it went in the air…" I was laughing too hard to get any coherent words out.
"It's not funny, and I really have to go again. What do I do?" she hissed.
"Bella, you're making it more difficult than it is. You just stand there, pull it out, aim, and piss," I said through my laughter.
"Shhh!" she hushed me while looking towards the bitchy receptionist.
"You asked!" I replied carelessly.
"You actually expect me to pee while standing?" she whispered horrified.
I shrugged. "Do whatever you want, I'm just telling you what works best. I mean, I guess some guys pee while sitting. You just have to push my dick down first."
"But then I'd have to… touch it," she said, squishing my face like something stunk.
"Eventually, you're going to have to touch it. I mean, I don't care if you never shower, but I will start to stink."
She whined again, but then took a deep breath and wiggled her way towards the bathroom. When she went for the Women's, I was going to stop her, but the shouts from the ladies inside was enough to send her barreling out of there. She gave me a look of horror as she took the few extra steps towards the Men's room.
I laughed again. Of course. Because, how could I not?
Pissing for guys never took long, but when she came right back out after only a few seconds, I knew it should have taken longer than that.
"What happened?" I asked her, unable to keep the humor off my face.
"Stop laughing at me!" she demanded.
"I'm sorry. Ok, what happened?" I asked while still fighting my chuckles.
The toilets look weird, and there are no doors!" she told me in a panic.
"They're urinals," I told her, surprised she never saw one, not even in movies or a TV show. "You stand in front of one and just pee."
Tears began flowing down her face. "I did try. I couldn't let it come out. I got all tense and nervous."
"There has to be at least one stall in there. I mean, dudes shit too. Just go use the stall."
"It said out of order," she cried.
I huffed as I considered her predicament. It was funny as hell, but I knew she had to be in pain so I decided to have mercy on her.
"Alright, come on," I said, dragging her out of the salon.
"I don't think I can make it back to your place," she said with desperation thick in her voice.
"That's okay, you're going to pee right here," I told her while bringing her around to the back of the building.
"What? Ew, no!"
"Bella, we live in a forest. Trees are everywhere; they were made for peeing on."
"They weren't made, they grow naturally. Their purpose is to make air and house animals," she grumbled.
"And to be peed on," I added. "Now come on, whip it out."
"What. Ew."
"Do you have to go or not?"
"But you're standing there."
"It's my dick!" I reminded her. "Trust me, I've spent a lot more time with it than you have."
She whined yet again, but unbuttoned her pants. When they dropped to her ankles, I rolled my eyes. "You don't need to let them go that far."
Without even giving it a second thought, I squatted down and grabbed the pants, and pulled them back up her body and over her ass – well, my ass. For a second, I wondered if that was how parents felt helping their little kids with their bathroom trips.
"Just leave them unfastened, push down your boxers, pull it out, and go," I instructed.
"Pull it out," she repeated with a whimper.
Without looking down, she tried to free my dick by using the very tips of her fingers to attempt to push down the boxers, but she still couldn't manage.
"Oh, for crying out loud!" I said, frustrated. It really was pathetic, and if I let it continue, she was going to piss all over my pants and I didn't have the change to go to the laundry mat at the moment. By the way she was wiggling all around, I knew we only had moments left, so I took the bull by the horns and freed my dick myself.
"Ew, don't touch…" she was mid-protest when my champ was out and a cool breeze clearly made it impossible for her to keep from pissing. "Oh my God!" she cried with relief as she let it all out. "Why is it… what is it doing?" she freaked as the pee kept coming and my dick began moving in different directions. It brought back memories of my early childhood days of peeing in the grass and pretending to water the flowers. Such good times.
"You need to hold it steady!" I told her, but she still refused to touch it. At least we were outside and it was mostly going all over the vegetation.
"Is it done yet?" she asked without looking down.
"Give it a little shake," I told her.
"I am not shaking your dick!" she growled at me.
"Fine. Suit yourself. Have an uncomfortable wet spot in your boxers for all I care."
She huffed and then did a little wiggle that looked more like a dance move, and then pulled up her pants by only touching the very edge of the waistband. She did suck it up enough to raise the zipper and button the fly, so at least there was that.
"There is nothing about being you that could possibly be worse than that," she grumbled, but then she sort of stared off into space and began wiggling around as if she had another issue.
"What now?" I sighed.
"It feels weird. Like… tight or crooked or… I don't know. Why is it suddenly super uncomfortable?"
"You probably just need to adjust it," I figured.
Before she could complain again, I decided to just help her out. I grabbed her pants by the waist, and just gave them a good shake, hoping my champ would settle into a more comfortable position.
"Okay, stop!" she shouted at me. She then did the unthinkable – she grabbed the bulge and began moving it around. It was outside of the pants, but still more than I would have ever expected from her. "I think that's better," she said awkwardly.
"Great. Let's go," I insisted. Without waiting for her for another second, I turned and headed for the truck. I'd never admit it to her, but I did happen to get a whiff of her hair as the wind blew it into my face, and it actually smelled good. The salon, minus the waxing, wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting.
"Edward?" she asked as she got into the passenger side of the truck.
"What?"
"Peeing was… hard," she said slowly. "How have you been handling it? Like, have you been… looking at me down there? Wiping?"
"Nah, I've just been going when I need to. These pants are surprisingly absorbent," I deadpanned.
Her mouth fell open in disgusted shock.
I laughed. "You know, you keep moving my face around in weird ways. You should probably stop doing that before I develop new facial muscles that I was never intended to have."
She ignored me. "Have you really been peeing in my pants?"
I laughed again. "No. Come on, I know you think I'm disgusting, but I'm not that bad. No, I went once this morning and haven't had to go again yet."
"So, what did you do?" she asked accusingly.
"Nothing. I sat on the toilet and peed. I really didn't think it was this big of a deal," I said, pointing at my crotch that was currently residing on her. "Compared to the unbelievable fact that I was actually in your body at all, the peeing seemed inconsequential. Besides, sitting on toilets is nothing new for guys. We sit to shit, so…" I shrugged.
"But did you wipe?"
"I… I don't know," I said honestly, because I really didn't remember. Everything after waking up in her bed and in her body was so surreal, it was starting to blur in my mind. "Next time I have to pee, I'll give you a play by play," I joked.
She glared at me, but didn't respond verbally.
…
After the trauma that was the salon, we headed back to my house to prepare for my job that evening. Pizza delivery. At least we were starting out easy for our first important task while living as each other.
"It's simple. You just go in through the back door, find my time card, punch it in the slot, then wait for an order to come in. They may have you wipe down some tables until then, but you can handle that, right?"
"Define wiping tables?" she asked with her face all scrunched.
"You get the washcloth and spray, spray the tables, then wipe them down. Come on, Bella, this is simple, brainless stuff."
She rolled her eyes. "Just because it's simple to you, doesn't mean it is for me. I've never had to wipe anything down before in my life."
"Please, just try; I need your help on this," I asked desperately. I absolutely hated asking for help from anyone for anything, but in this case, I had no other choice.
She huffed. "Don't get your panties in a bunch, I said I was going to do it. I'm just… nervous. I don't want to look like an idiot."
My mind suddenly jumped to my best friend, Jasper. He worked at the pizza parlor as well; he wasn't a delivery boy like I was, but he worked inside bussing tables and restocking the buffet items. Our situation was unbelievable, but if anyone could possibly believe it, it was him. Jasper could help us. I didn't have a ton of faith in him, but the amount I did have was at least a little better than nothing.
"Are you crazy?" Bella hissed when I explained to her my idea. "We can't tell anyone about this. You said so yourself, they'll throw us in a mental hospital."
"You admitted that you wanted to tell your friend Jessica," I retorted.
"That was when I first woke up like this. I've had time to think about it now, and you were right. We have to keep this between us."
"Look, I just can't lose my jobs," I reiterated. Jasper might think we were crazy, but I still thought it was worth the risk.
"You won't," she said with a serious lack of confidence that only added to my concern. "I can do this. How hard can it be?"
"It's not hard," I confirmed honestly. The hardest part was going to be keeping her believing it wasn't hard.
"Great. Then let's do this," she said anxiously.
She whined through changing into my uniform, which was nothing more than a pizzeria t-shirt and black jeans, and even complained as she put on my tennis shoes.
"Oh, God, why are these so dirty? There are holes in them. They smell so freaking bad…." Her complaints were never-ending, and that's when I realized that living with her was going to be so much harder than living as her. She was seriously the most irritating person I had ever been forced to spend time with.
After teetering on the edge of having another nervous breakdown, we somehow managed to sneak past Mom and Jimmy to head to the pizza parlor.
"Remember to punch in my time card, then the manager will tell you what to do," I reiterated for the umpteenth time.
"I said I got it!" she snapped at me before exiting out of the truck's passenger side.
I was a nervous wreck as she disappeared inside. I could do nothing but wait there and mull over how I was going to have to inevitably explain my odd behavior to my boss in a desperate attempt to keep my job. It was absolutely maddening that I was trusting Princess Bella the Mega Bitch with something so important, but I really couldn't see any way around it.
I was just about to crack and go inside to check on how she was doing, when suddenly she exited the building holding an insulated pizza carrier.
"Oh, thank God," I said in relief. "I'm assuming you didn't get me fired yet since you have pizzas," I added when she slid into the truck beside me.
"No, I didn't get you fired, but those men in there are jerks. That big fat dude that walks around like he owns the place. What the hell crawled up his butt?"
"You must be referring to Tito. Yeah, he walks around like he owns the place because he does! Please tell me you weren't disrespectful?"
"Relax, I didn't say anything, but I should have."
"No, you shouldn't have. Whatever, it doesn't matter right now. What is the address for the delivery?"
"Address?" she asked confused.
"The address – just give me the ticket," I said impatiently. I grabbed it from her, read the address, and inputted it in my phone so I'd know where to go. When we got there, I delivered it myself, and then we were on our way to the next delivery.
For the most part, things went surprisingly smooth for the first couple hours. I did the driving and the actual delivering to the customers' doors, and she would run in to the pizza parlor to pick up more pizzas. She even stopped complaining after the first three times she did it.
But then we ran into a repeated issue.
"What do I do?" she said, looking at me like she was about to be sent to war or some serious shit like that.
"You know what, peeing on a tree worked better last time. Just go out there and do it," I said after I pulled over the truck.
"It's dark. There could be a bear, or a wolf, or a mountain lion."
I rolled my eyes. "Just get out and I'll go with you."
Once again, she refused to touch my dick, so I undid her pants and pulled it out for her. As fucked up as it sounded, it was surprisingly not all that awkward; it was still my dick, so helping her pee with it was easier than me using the toilet in her body.
When that little traumatic event was over, we were back in action doing more deliveries. We had one more to go for the night, and unsurprisingly, it was a big one, because that was the kind of luck I seemed to have.
"Who would order this many pizzas?" Bella grumbled as she struggled to push the heavy thermal carrier across the truck bench seat.
I didn't even bother looking at the name, but after inputting the address in my phone, and driving across town, I wished I called in sick that day. "Oh, fuck."
"This is Mike's house!" she squealed excitedly. "Wait, is he having a party? He didn't text me to come. What is going on?"
She got out of the truck like she was going to go question him, but I jumped out and ran around the truck to stop her.
"Okay, we need to think about this," I told her. "I can't deliver these because I'm you, and Mike would definitely have an issue with that. Which means, you need to bring these up, but you can't make a scene, no matter what you see in there. Got it?"
"No, I don't got it," she snapped back full of attitude. "If he is throwing a party without even sending me a text, we are so off again. What kind if boyfriend would do that?"
"The kind that doesn't want his girlfriend around," I stated the obvious.
Her mouth dropped open like I just slapped her across the face.
"Bella, come on. We both know you can't react in there; he will either think you're crazy, or punch you in the face. Trust me, that motherfucker has power behind that punch, and you don't want to be on the receiving end of it."
"What am I supposed to do? Let that shit go?"
"Exactly! You can break up with him again later. Just, for now, be mad, but keep it to yourself. Don't forget you are me. If I went in there screaming about not being invited, he won't hesitate to knock you out."
"Oh, come on, he is not that mean," she disagreed.
I threw my hands up in surrender. I wasn't going to keep arguing with her. If she wanted to test her jackass boyfriend's jackassness, then I couldn't stop her.
She glared at me as she grabbed the pizzas, and then got out of the truck to walk them up to the house.
A part of me wondered if I should go with her for added support, but if he saw me as Bella, things would undoubtedly get dicey.
Thankfully, it didn't take long for Bella to return, looking far too happy.
"What happened?" I grilled her the moment she opened the door.
"He is just the sweetest," she cooed.
"What? Why?" I asked disturbed.
"It's his parents having a get together tonight, and he is helping them out."
"What derogatory name did he call me?" I asked, wondering how she could be so happy after being verbally attacked by the guy she liked.
"He was a perfect gentleman," she disputed. "Goes to show what I already knew."
"And what's that?" I asked mockingly.
"That you, Mr. Masen, are the problem between you two."
"No way! He is always messing with me for no reason. Tell me exactly what happened," I demanded.
"Nothing happened, which is exactly my point. I just smiled at him, asked him why he ordered so many pizzas, and he was so sweet with his answer. He said he was helping his parents with a get together. And he smiled back at me, and even winked. He then said maybe we could hang out sometime outside of school. See? The animosity between you two is completely one-sided."
I didn't realize my face had frozen into disturbed shock until she scolded me. "Oh, stop with that face! He is sweet, and it's about time you stopped antagonizing him. We are seniors, for crying out loud. Like, grow up."
I considered it for a minute, but it just didn't sit well with me. "No, he had to have some kind of ulterior motive for saying that shit. He is probably hoping to get me outside of school so he could jump me without the repercussions. I'm telling you, the sweet guy you think he is, is just an act. He is a douchebag. Plain and simple."
"You're wrong, and sooner or later you will see it and regret ever being mean to him."
"I'm not the one that's mean!" I shouted, but then I realized how stupid I sounded. Mike certainly wasn't worth the argument, so I decided to let it go.
After our shift was over, we headed back to my house for the night. Jimmy and my mom were already passed out, so we had easy access to my bedroom. Bella unsurprisingly whined and complained as I handed her sweats to change into, and she was even more upset when she noticed I had changed while I was in the bathroom as well.
"Did you see me naked? Did you pee? Did you wipe?" Blah, blah, blah. Her complaints were never-ending. I honestly didn't understand her disdain for the bathroom, but I guess chicks had it easier in that regard. Nothing to aim at, no holding on and hoping it goes where you want it to. You just pull your pants down and go. A little body shaking when you're done, then you stand and pull your pants up. Simple. None of it warranted her constant paranoid freak outs.
"Can you stop complaining for five freaking minutes!" I finally shouted at her when I had enough. If it wasn't the bathroom or the smell, it was questioning the cleanliness of my bed. I was exhausted and I couldn't take any more of it. "Sleep on the floor if you think my sheets are dirty!"
"Your floor makes a subway station look clean," she grumbled.
"Listen, we don't have a washing machine, so I have to take all our shit to the laundry mat. I don't have the money for that until payday next week. So, you are just going to have to deal with the smell of my sheets!" I explained bitterly. "You're me, anyway. It was the body you are currently in that made the sheets smell. Deal with it… Or don't deal with it and figure something else out. I don't give a shit."
She was quiet for a minute, and then she sighed. "Are you going to sleep on the bed too?"
I had just lied back on my pillow without thinking, so I huffed and scooted over. "There's plenty of room for both of us," I said of my full-sized bed.
"I'm not going to sleep with you," she said stubbornly.
She was right. It was very weird to even think about sleeping next to her. What was I even thinking? To fix the issue, I grabbed my second pillow and dropped it on the floor, then kicked one of the blankets off, before turning over on the bed and making myself comfortable.
She gasped. "You are a jerk and a half! The polite thing would be for you to sleep on the floor."
"I am," I said without moving. "Sucks for you that you're currently in my body. You have the dick, so you sleeping on the floor is the chivalrous thing to do."
She huffed and puffed for a bit, but I ignored her. There was plenty of room on the bed for the both of us, so it was dumb to sleep on the floor and I refused to do it. I wasn't sure what her issue was anyway. She griped something about having a boyfriend and I gross her out, or whatever the hell, but really, what was she thinking was going to happen? She was me. A dude. Even if I was gay, I certainly wouldn't be into myself. In this case, her concerns were stupid.
Eventually she seemed to settle somewhere, though, with my back to her and my eyes closed, I had no idea where. And I didn't care. She could sleep in my desk chair if she wanted to and I wouldn't feel guilty one bit.
It had been a long ass traumatizing day, and I had a glimmer of hope that I would wake up the next morning and everything would be back to normal. When I did open my eyes to the bright sun, however, nothing was back to normal at all. In fact, it was the most far from normal I had experienced yet.
I rolled over in bed and found my body lying next to me. Now, waking up next to your own body is a freaking trip all on its own, but waking up next to your own body when it was tenting some serious morning wood was an experience I'd never forget.
It took Bella a few minutes of moaning and unconsciously scratching herself before she came to, but when she did, her reaction to my dick's morning surprise was the funniest thing I had ever seen in my life.
She screamed, ran around the room like it was a spider or something, and then fainted.
I never laughed so hard in my life.