Chapter 6: Something New
As they reach the ledge of the balcony, Tim finally turns to face her, his face open and vulnerable in that way that she is absolutely addicted to, the undeniable sadness in his expression tugging at her heart, "I don't want it to be like this between us anymore."
Lucy can feel her own walls disintegrating - the walls that he himself had helped her construct. He gets under her skin in ways that no one else ever has. He terrifies her. She knows how deeply he is capable of caring, how much love he has to give. But she also knows how [seemingly] easy it is for him to shut it all off and take it all away. He could ruin her. She knows this, and yet she cannot bear to see him in pain.
"I miss you… so much," she manages to get out in response, unsure of where any of this is going.
They stand in silence for a few moments, Tim's expression becoming unreadable as he struggles with whether he is making the right choice.
Finally, Lucy breaks the silence, unable to stand there in a painful limbo any longer, "I hate this, Tim. I hate not having you in my life. I hate that it seems like we're always mad at each other and never on the same page. I hate that I don't know how to be around you anymore now that there's not a rule book explaining our relationship. I hate that even when I freaking hate you for being a stubborn, unsupportive, emotionally unavailable asshole, I still can't stop thinking about you-" she cuts herself off immediately, panic rising in her throat as she realizes she's said too much.
"Lucy. I-," he stops himself short, running a hand through his hair in frustration, "I don't know what to do. I've been struggling with this for awhile now. I thought I'd figured out what I wanted to say to you tonight, but I just... " His expression is pained, "I just want to do the right thing. I don't want to hurt you." He looks away, the conflict clearly visible on his face, before he turns back to her, "I miss you too, and I'm tired of fighting."
Lucy hesitates, his words are lighting something up in her core, small tendrils of hope, but still too cryptic for her to know for sure where he's going, and she's unwilling to step any further out on the ledge than she already has. "So how do we fix this?"
"I think … we have to be honest with each other."
Lucy sucks in a breath, a combination of panic, excitement, hope, and fear rising in her chest, "Honest..." she repeats, "about...?"
Tim raises his eyes to the sky as if searching for an airship that might suddenly appear to rescue him, "You're really going to make me say it, aren't you..."
She nods, unable to keep the amusement out of her expression at his clear discomfort.
He rolls his eyes, "You really are the biggest pain in my ass, you know that?"
Lucy ignores his deflection, "I'm waiting..."
He sighs heavily, "Honest about our... feelings," spitting the last word out like it might come back and attack him
"Tim Bradford wants to talk about feelings.. well I never…" Lucy teases, fanning herself dramatically.
Tim groans, shaking his head at her antics, before he steels himself, knowing he needs to tell her what he's been preparing to tell her for the last six weeks. This is his shot. He reaches for her, wanting to feel physically connected to her before explaining himself further. He's momentarily startled by the unexpected skin to skin contact when his hand finds her waist, his eyes traveling downward to settle on the skin exposed by the cut-outs of her dress.
He freezes, and Lucy follows the direction of his gaze, realizing that he's staring at the tiny edge of the tattoo peeking out from under the fabric of her dress.
He seems almost entranced, completely unaware of the impact his warm fingers exploring her bare skin is having on her, as he trails his thumb over the exposed ink, gently pushing aside the silly fabric of the dress that's obscuring the rest of the tattoo as his thumb travels over each of the numbers and letters.
The sensation of him touching a part of her body that she had so heavily guarded and masked for so long, causes her breath to catch in her throat. She feels vulnerable and exposed and empowered and beautiful all at the same time, all triggered by his touch.
When she had been with Emmett, they had been intimate, yes, but she had still been struggling to process everything she had gone through and was deeply ashamed of how Caleb had marked her. She had consistently gone out of her way to keep the tattoo covered, whether that meant keeping her shirt on during sex or pancaking on foundation before she would see him. She'd even rushed to his bathroom for a band-aid the first time his hands had started to find their way under her shirt during a heated make-out session early on in their relationship.
He had sensed her discomfort, and, gentleman that he was, he had never pried or pushed her to talk about it. Looking back, she realizes it's likely one of the many things he'd realized she was holding back from him that had ultimately led to his ending their relationship in a less than gentlemanly manner.
And she's realizing now that the fact that she'd been willing to wear this dress tonight without covering the tattoo is truly a testament to how far she's come.
"Tim…" she breaths as his eyes finally come back up to meet hers.
"You kept it." The softness in his voice and expression as he finds her eyes, warmth and concern radiating off of him, is enough to bring her to her knees.
She wobbles slightly under the weight of the emotion and the very limited stability offered by her teetering stiletto heels, grabbing his arm for balance as he tightens the hold he has on her waist, steadying her.
Her eyes fill, and she exhales deeply before slowly nodding at him. "Yeah. I did. Somebody convinced me to see it as a symbol of my strength, and I guess it kind of stuck."
The way he's continuing to look at her threatens to steal Lucy's breath yet again, like he is just so completely and totally amazed by her, enamored with her. And Lucy suspects that if not for his support, she might literally melt into a pile on the floor if he doesn't stop looking at her like that.
"If I haven't told you lately… You are absolutely incredible, Lucy Chen." She's tempted to point out to him that he's never actually told her that, but all her faculties are fully focused on keeping her upright and breathing, the anticipation of where this could possibly be going threatening to launch her to the moon. A small smirk breaks through his wistful expression, "And it sounds like someone gave you some pretty sage advice. Sounds like someone worth keeping around," he teases.
Lucy rolls her eyes, grateful for the brief reprieve from the intensity of whatever is happening between them, before smiling back at him, "Yeah. He has his moments."
Tim's face turns serious again, "Lucy, what I wanted to say to you is… I know I haven't been the easiest person to be around this past well… ever, and I don't know if I've really ever even properly thanked you." He swallows, "I know you think that I saved you, but you saved me."
Lucy laughs, "Tim - I know this is your favorite excuse for showing any type of kindness, but I really was just doing my job..."
"I'm not talking about when I got shot, though yes, you did save me then too, so thank you," he gives her a quick half smile.
Lucy looks at him questioningly.
"I was already in a bad place when Isabel disappeared. I was struggling, and then that day - your first day - when she showed back up… it was like a freight train rammed into my life." He takes a deep breath, "Listen, I don't know what I would have done, what choices I would have made if it wasn't for my tiny, fierce, badass little Rookie taking it upon herself to get in my face and remind me who I was supposed to be. I just, I need you to know, as completely pissed off as I was at your meddling and blatant insubordination, I have never respected anyone more than I respected you in those moments. And I don't know where I would've ended up if not for you."
"And it was more than just you calling me out and keeping me on the straight and narrow," he pauses to grin at her, taking a breath before continuing, "It was you being there with all of your sunshine and compassion and irritating positivity and Goddamn sassiness when everything in my world felt like it had gone dark." His eyes are wet with emotion and he swallows as Lucy laughs, her voice choked with her own emotion. "You were everything that I needed, that I absolutely could not admit that I needed. You saved me," he repeats.
Lucy is full on crying now, unable to stop the tears flowing down her cheeks. Tim had had an immeasurable impact on her life in the short time she had known him; he was literally the reason she was alive and standing here today, and yet, she'd never really stopped to consider the impact she'd had on his life in the same terms. If anything, she'd felt at times like the annoying little sister he was fond of, but mostly just tolerated while he worked through his adult problems. But now, his words shining a light on the way he actually sees her, the way he actually feels toward her… it's simultaneously too much and just perfectly enough all at once.
"Tim - I -," and then she's flinging her arms around his neck, needing him to know just how much every single one of his words means to her. And he's wrapping his arms around her in response, and she feels again in his hold that, given the choice, he might never let her go.
They stand there for a while wrapped up in each other, gradually relaxing until they are just barely swaying to the music escaping the reception hall, Lucy finally getting her long awaited dance with Tim Bradford.
As the final song of the evening comes to an end, Lucy pulls her head back from where it's resting on his chest to look up at him, "So what now?" she asks, daring to hope, but still unwilling to believe, "...friends?"
He shakes his head at her, gently pushing a strand of hair back behind her ear before cupping her cheek with his hand, his eyes darkening as they travel to her lips, "Lucy, I know this is all sorts of fucked up, but I don't want to be your friend."
Lucy's eyes twinkle slightly, as his thumb caresses her cheek, "No? … Well, I don't want to be your friend either."
And then, finally, he's kissing her, his lips finding hers, moving gently as first as they test these new waters, gradually increasing pressure as they both give into the need to explore each other further. His arm around her waist pulling her back into him, both exceedingly aware of each and every point of contact between their bodies.
And it is everything. He is everything. Warmth and softness and a fire in her core. She is still clinging to him when he eventually pulls back from her, the headiness of being this close to him, surrounded by him leaving her unsure which way is up and which way is down.
He tips his forehead to meet hers as they both struggle to catch their breath and come to terms with their new reality.
"So,uh - I guess we both agree… if not friends, then… something more…?"
Lucy nods, tilting back so she can see him, hand coming up to find his face, fully aware that she must be grinning like a clown but far too happy to care, "Yeah. I think… something new."
And he's giving her that damn look again. The one that makes her feel like her stomach might float right out of her body with giddiness. Looking at her like she is the only thing he ever wants to look at again, like she is finally the center of his world, and Lucy knows she will never get tired of that look, will never stop craving it. Not for the rest of her life.