4 days later
The previous 4 days had been hell for Alex. He could hardly speak from the vast amounts of pain, he couldn't keep a sip of water down and he was absolutely exhausted. Meredith and Cristina had practically been glued to his side trying to help him but he refused everything. He looked deathly, his skin was as white as clouds, he had huge bags under his bloodshot eyes and sweat covered his face. His hair was so greasy and stuck down to his forehead. Alex barely spoke, moved or was even conscious.
Groans occasionally left his lips and it broke Meredith and Cristina's hearts to see him in this devastating way. The rare amount of time he was conscious for consisted of him crying, throwing up or staring in silence at the wall stuck deep within his thought. Alex was completely ignoring everything anyone would say to him, his grief and depression had taken over him.
On the fifth day Alex seemed quite a bit better. His colour was less pale and he was able to stay awake for longer. He still didn't speak much though and he was still throwing up but no where near as much as before.
"Alex?" Meredith asked.
He looked at her without saying anything, you could see the pain in his eyes. It broke Meredith's heart to see him hurting like that.
"Hunt, Bailey and Teddy are coming up soon because I think you are getting discharged today or tomorrow." She continued.
Instead of answering her he closed his eyes and fell back to sleep. Meredith turned around and sat down on the couch next to Derek and Cristina. They both came running down the stairs
"Is he any better?" Derek asked
"Physically but mentally not at all, a lot worse."
"What about the anti-depressants he's on?"
"He won't take them."
"Oh."
Teddy, Bailey and Hunt walked into the room and stood next to the bed. Meredith walked over to the bed to try wake him up.
"Alex, you need to wake up now."
Alex's eyes fluttered open and he stared at the wall instantly.
"How are you feeling Alex?"
Silence.
He was lost in his thoughts, oblivious to everything that was happening in the room.
"Alex?"
"This is all he does." Meredith sighed.
"He looks a bit better, his colour has returned and he doesn't need any oxygen anymore which is good." Bailey said.
"We are going to discharge him now because he needs to be at home, he will recover better there." Teddy said.
"He had a month off and you and Cristina do too. Under any other circumstances you two would still work but in the state he is in I don't want him to ever be left on his own. You will still be paid though." Hunt said.
"Okay thank you chief."
"I'm going to go start the paper work." Hunt said leaving the room.
"Alex, we're going home now."
"Okay." He whispered.
Meredith was shocked that he actually spoke. Alex sat up weakly and looked down at him lap waiting for the extreme dizziness to subside. Bailey went over and quickly removed his IVs and 2 cannulas.
"Alex, I have known you for years, you were my intern. I know when you are in pain or anything like that, you are hurting the most you have ever hurt but I want to help you. We all do. Let us please Alex."
Alex looked up at her with tears in his eyes. She hugged him tightly and he even hugged her back which shocked Bailey.
"You can get through this Alex and I will do anything you need to help you. You tell me what I can do."
"You can't. I...I'm just done."
Alex stood up and walked towards the window and opened it slightly. He could feel his breathing become shallower so he was taking deep breaths, Meredith walked over to him and rubbed his back. Alex closed his eyes tightly when the dizziness came on again and leant into Meredith's hand. When she felt that Meredith placed one arm around his waist just to make sure he didn't fall over.
"Are you okay Alex?"
"Yes."
"No your not."
"I am fine." He insisted.
"Your only siblings passed away 8 days ago, it is fine not to be okay."
"I am fine."
Alex moved her arm and started to pack up his stuff into the small backpack but he gave into the dizziness and sat on the bed. After a minute or two he room stopped spinning and he finished of packing up his stuff. Once he had finished he made his bed and walked into the bathroom locking it behind him. Just the sight of himself in the mirror made his skin crawl, he looked absolutely dreadful. He threw up in the sink and sighed loudly.
"Alex are you okay?" Meredith said from outside the door.
He quickly washed his mouth out and brushed his teeth before unlocking the door and walking out.
"Derek has gone to get the car, are you ready?"
"Hmmm..." He sighed.
Meredith grabbed his arm but he was too tired to protest. Cristina stood behind them with his backpack and both her and Meredith's purses. Alex was still unsteady on his feet and struggled to walk on his own so Meredith had to help him. They got to the elevator and Mark was stood in there with Jackson discussing a case.
"Have you been discharged Alex?"
Alex once again was in a far distant place and had no idea what was going on around him.
"Erm...yes he has." Said Meredith
"Good." Mark smiled.
The elevator doors opened and they all parted ways. Meredith, Cristina and Alex walked out of the main entrance towards Derek's black Porsche. Derek had parked right in front of the hospital so that they didn't have to walk too far. When they reached the car Meredith helped Alex into the front seat of the car and her and Cristina sat in the back.
The entire car ride was silent except for the low hum of the radio. Cristina and Meredith's eyes were planted on the sleeping Alex slumped on the car seat. Derek was trying to concentrate on the road but was getting slightly distracted by the ill-looking man. As soon as the car pulled into the gravel driveway Alex woke up with a startle.
"Are you okay?"
"Hmmm...tired."
"We're here now."
Alex opened the door and stood up to walk towards the house. His legs were really weak and he could barely stand up without falling or collapsing. Cristina grabbed hold of his arm and looked at sympathetically. They walked into the house and Alex let go of Cristina's arm and walked over to the couch.
"Do you need anything?"
"No." He said coldly.
"Okay, let me get you a blanket and a glass of water at least."
Alex ignored Meredith and laid down on the comfortable couch. Derek and Cristina were stood in the doorway watching him carefully as Meredith walked back in the room. She placed the blanket over him, the trash can next to him and the glass of water on the coffee table.
"Thank you." He sighed before turning over and going to sleep.
Meredith snook out of the room and ushered the other two upstairs so she could talk to them.
"So what are we going to do?" She asked.
"It should be easy the next 2 or 3 days because he is exhausted and will need to catch up on sleep. All he is going to do is probably sleep, throw up and cry. It's after that when he is awake we need to worry about. Meredith you seem to know the most about him what do you think?" Derek said.
"I agree Derek. We have to keep an eye on him because I am really worried he is going to hurt himself or try to commit. You can actually see the pain in his eyes and how flat his voice is. It's better that we are both going to be at home though so we can both look after him. You have to be nice to him Cristina." Meredith said.
"I will, promise." Cristina said.
"Did he ever get a diagnosis?" Cristina continued.
"No, all the test results came back negative so they put it to depression, stress, anxiety and grief." Meredith said.
"Oh."
"I'm gonna go watch him and you two can change or do whatever you guys do." Cristina said walking out of their bedroom.
Meredith and Derek got changed into their sleeping wear as Cristina walked down the creaky stairs. She first went into the kitchen and made herself a drink and found a packet of chips from the cupboard. She then walked into the lounge where Alex was sleeping. He looked peaceful but she knew that she wasn't. She sat down at the end of the couch and picked up a magazine next to her and started to read it. Alex suddenly woke up and leant straight over and threw up in the trash can beside him. Cristina jumped up and rubbed his sweaty back for him.
"Your okay, your okay." Cristina reassured awkwardly.
Once Alex finished he sat up and reached across to get the glass of water situated on the coffee table. He took a few sips and placed it back down on the table.
"You need to eat something how about a cup of jello?"
"I'm not hungry."
"I know your not but you need to eat because you are currently dry heaving which is very painful. Do you want some jello?"
"Fine." He sighed.
Cristina disappeared into the kitchen and came back with an orange pot of jello and a spoon. She gave it him and he had a small bite of it before putting it back on the table.
"Is that it?" Cristina asked sitting back down next to him.
"Yes. Too nauseous."
"Just have a little bit more."
Alex sighed and picked the jello back up. He had 6 more small bites of it and placed it back down on the table. He had half of the jelly which was okay but not the best.
"I'm going to sleep." Alex said coldly.
"Okay." Cristina said quietly.
Before Alex managed to lay down he shot forward and threw up in the trash can whilst gripping his obviously aching stomach. Cristina bolted up and rubbed his back gently while shouting for Meredith and Derek. Both of them ran down the stairs straight into the lounge, Derek stayed by the door but Meredith went straight over to him and rubbed his back. After he had finished he leant back onto Meredith's arm so she helped him down onto the couch again.
"What hurts?"
"Stomach...head...everything." He groaned quietly.
"You can't have any meds for another hour what can I do for you now?"
"Tired." He sighed.
"Let me get him a heat pack and another drink." Derek said.
"Thank you." Meredith said.
Alex sat up slowly and threw up again.
"It's okay, your okay." Meredith reassured.
Derek walked back in and passed him the glass of juice once he had finished. He looked absolutely exhausted and so ill. His hair was everywhere, he hadn't shaved for days, his cheeks were bright red and sweat poured off his face and entire body.
Once he had finished half-heartedly sipping on his juice Derek passed him the heat pack. He laid back down on the the couch in the foetal position and placed the heat pack on his pained stomach. Meredith sat on the floor with her back against the couch stroking the ends of his hair as he lay facing away from them all.
"I've got it from here, what time is it?"
"1pm."
"I can stay this afternoon and then we could get him into bed if he is feeling any better. Derek are you cooking tonight?"
"Yes, what do you want?"
"Can we just order Chinese?"
"Of course."
Alex had fallen back to sleep and Cristina and Derek snuck out of the lounge. Meredith picked up a magazine off the coffee table and begun to read it trying her hardest to turn each page as quiet as she could.
Alex wokein a panicked state. He stood up and ran straight into the bathroom upstairs and looked at his worrying complexion.
Everything suddenly crashed into him like a hurricane, like a freaking truck is driving full speed into his ribs, knocking the breath straight out of his lungs. God, it hurts. He hurts. He can't breath, he can't breath, he can't breath, can't breath can't breath can't breath…
He struggled against his closing throat, clawing desperately for some oxygen to enter, anything, so he could just flaming breath, for God's sake. Alex was faintly aware that he backed up against the bathtub, his legs slammed into the sides, and he tripped , landing ungracefully onto his butt. He might have been crying, he might have been suffocating to death, he might have been disintegrating for all he knew. Which is nothing. He knew nothing, except that he couldn't do this anymore.
"I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!" He shouted.
Oh God. Oh God, I can't do this, I can't do this, can't do this can't do this, that's all he could think.
Suddenly, there was more noises, a high pitched scream.
"Oh my God! Help!" Cristina shouted after hearing him come upstairs.
Then all he could hear were words, his name, over and over:
"Alex, Alex, open your eyes, Alex, can you open your eyes for me? You're okay, it's gonna be okay. Alex, can you hear me? You're having a panic attack. Breath with me. Can you do that? Come on, Alex, that's right, that's perfect. Slow, deep breaths, you got it…"
He is doing just as Derek says as he can't fight against it anymore.
Derek was crouched in front of him, his strong arms pressed against his shoulders, grounding him to the floor. Meredith and Cristina were kneeling behind him, their own eyes mirroring the man's piercing blues, which were dripping with sympathy. Alex closed his own.
He sucked in a deep, a wavering breath, trying to quell the overwhelming emotions bubbling up inside of him. Trying not to die from embarrassment.
"Can you please go," he whispered, meaning to sound commanding, but he instead he sounded timid and scared.
No one moved and Alex jerks away from the arms pressed against his shoulder, covering his face with his hands.
"Get out!"
"Derek, Cristina, I've got it. You can go.", It was Meredith's voice, quiet yet meaningful.
Shepherd hesitated for a half a second, then left, taking Cristina with him. Alex felt Meredith sliding against him, squeezing into the narrow space between the sink and his body. It was silent, except for his labored breathing and pounding heart and Cristina and Shepherd's quiet murmurings outside the door and the ferocious rain, pounding against the roof.
Silence is irrelevant.
"It's okay," she said soothingly, her fingers grazing against his head, sending shivers down his back.
"Let it all out." She says holding onto his hand.
"I can't do this anymore Mer, everything hurts too much. I am done, done with life. I don't know what to do anymore. I have felt like this for months now but now everything hurts 1000 times more than before. I feel sick all the time and I can't even have half a jello without throwing it all back up. I am absolutely exhausted." He sobbed.
"Oh Alex." Meredith said hugging him.
He was empty, though. He had let everything out. There was nothing more to give. He had nothing left.
"Let's get you into bed Alex or would you rather be on the couch?"
"Bed." He sighed.
Alex stood up and took an unsteady step forward, away from Meredith, and almost gasped at the weird, sinking feeling in his limbs. Without warning, his legs gave out from underneath him, and he was headed straight for the ground. Meredith's arms suddenly shot out and caught him by his armpits, but it was too late.
She lowered him to the ground, and he would open his eyes to see what's going on, but they were dry cement, refusing to open to more than half-slits.
"I think I'm just gonna rest here…" he mumbled, sagging against the ground.
"Okay, Alex. Okay."