Chapter 6: The vision quest.
Elizabeth woke to a strange sound beside her bed, she had no idea what time it was or why someone or something was making that horrible noise. Looking at the clock on her bedside table she realised that it was 0600 hours, and she didn't have to get up for another hour so perhaps she would go back to sleep for a while. She was about to close her eyes when the strange noise interrupted her thoughts. Scrabbling around for a bit longer she found her earpiece.
"Weir, here."
She was surprised when Chuck was on the other end, surely, he should be in bed?
"Minister Mithon has just contacted me to let us know that Colonel Sheppard begun the test Five hours ago and he has headed back to his dwelling. He also states that he will contact us in two days to let us know when to pick Colonel Sheppard up."
That comment had her feeling alarmed, "did he say what he meant by the comment, pick Colonel Sheppard up?"
"He said that The Colonel may not be able to stand up by the time he's finished, but Minister Mithon assured me that Sheppard would be alright eventually."
"Okay thanks, Chuck, Weir out."
Things were really beginning to get out of hand, and she blamed herself. When she'd first met the Minister, she didn't really like him much, but over time he had sold her on the benefits of trade with his people. Just like a sleazy businessman, she thought. John had also expressed his concerns, but in the end, they had both decided that it was the best thing for Atlantis. Although she had to wonder what John was thinking when he'd agreed to it as he'd just spent two days in the infirmary totally unresponsive. But Kate had cleared him for active duty and permitted him to go on this mission so basically, everyone was okay with it. It didn't stop her from blaming herself for the mess that the Colonel was possibly in though.
She knew that it was probably time to send Major Lorne and a team in to extract Colonel Sheppard from the situation, so she tapped her earpiece and contacted Major Lorne, "Weir to Lorne, come in please?"
Major Lorne was quick to reply, and she suspected that he'd been up for hours, "go ahead, Dr Weir?"
"I want you in my office in one hour to discuss the situation on the Hyspergan home-world and can you contact Ronon, Teyla and Rodney as well?"
"I'm right on it, Dr Weir, Lorne out."
She tapped her earpiece to break the connection and then thought about getting up and facing the day. Another day where John Sheppard was in trouble, this time it was entirely her fault and if anything happened to him, she knew that she would never forgive herself.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
When John awoke again, he was still lying on the floor of the cave and he could still see swirling colours around his head, and he had to wonder for what purpose. He lifted his left hand to try and swat them away and a stabbing pain shot up his arm, and for a split second, he thought that it was on fire. What the hell has happened to me? Why am I here? The only thing he did know was that he was in a small dark, damp cave.
His thoughts were answered when a tall dark-haired figure who was meticulously dressed, came out of the swirling darkness and it was a face that he never wanted to see again, "You are here to answer to your family little brother."
He had to wonder if he was hallucinating, because that looked a hell of a lot like his brother Dave, "why are you here, or maybe you're not here and I'm hallucinating?"
"I assure you that I am here John and it's time we had it out. You broke our fathers' heart when you were court-martialled. You haven't spoken to us for over three years either, and he still misses you every day."
John was surprised at the revelation from his brother, "really, I seem to remember him throwing me out of the house and disowning me."
Dave's image seemed to be swirling around him causing his head to spin and he just wanted it to stop, so he closed his eyes and hoped that Dave would just go away and leave him alone. He had no idea how long he'd been lying in this cave, but right now he wanted out.
"Don't close your eyes on me John; you need to look at me while I'm talking to you."
"I'm sorry Dave, I'm just feeling a bit dizzy right now, and you twirling around me like some dam ballerina isn't helping."
"You will show me some respect little brother, so open your eyes and look at me?!" Dave stated forcefully.
He opened his eyes and did his best to focus on the hallucination of his brother, but nothing he did made the swirling lights go away. They were incredibly bright and made up of all different colours, reds and blues, and greens and yellows, with some purple and orange mixed in for good measure. The thing that disturbed him the most though was the slight whirring sound that they were making.
Trying not to focus on the lights he looked at his ridiculous brother, "why the hell should I respect you when you and dad have never respected me!?"
Before Dave answered a tall, round figure with a balding head stepped out of the swirling lights, "you will respect me because I am your father, and you will respect your brother because he is a reputable, well respected Businessman."
He sat himself up immediately there was no way he was going to face this man lying down, "Father, don't forget you threw me out of the house and disowned me, then you told me never to return, so if I don't respect you, live with it!" He spat out, beginning to wonder if this ridiculous scenario was just another dream.
"I threw you out because you were a loser, your marriage failed and not long after that you were court-martialled, but just because I threw you out and disowned you it doesn't mean that I don't love and care for you."
That had to be the most ridiculous thing that he'd ever heard, "first of all Nancy left me, I was willing to stay and fight for our marriage. Secondly, I disobeyed a direct order from my superiors because I was trying to save lives and thirdly you disowned me, you don't love someone if you disown them," his tone was serious as he spoke.
His Father's voice was cool and calm as he replied, but he could see the anger in his eyes, "I don't care what you say, John, if you were a real man, you would have been able to keep Nancy and when I was contacted about your court-martial, no-one bothered to tell me that you were trying to save lives."
John sighed; whatever he did or said in the next few minutes would make no difference to his father, "would it have made any difference if they had?"
It didn't surprise him that his father ignored that question and changed the subject, "what happened to you after that anyway and where have you been for the last three years?"
The swirling lights were beginning to make him nauseous and the last thing he wanted to do was puke on his imaginary father's shoes, so he closed his eyes hoping that they'd go away, the swirling lights and his brother and father.
"Why are you closing your eyes again John? You will look at me and give me an answer, if I like what I hear I will go away and leave you alone."
"I spent a year in Antarctica and where I've been the last two years is highly classified, but perhaps you'd be happy to know that I have my own command and have reached the rank of Lt Colonel."
For a moment he thought he saw pride in his father's eyes, but then a stern look crossed his father's face again and he realised that no matter what he did, he would never please Patrick Sheppard and for now, he was okay with that. Just as his Father started to fade away, John looked straight at him and whispered, "I love you Dad and I forgive you."
The twirling dancing lights continued to invade his senses and the sound coming from them reached a crescendo, just when he thought he was going to go mad, the lights and sounds faded, and Dave stepped out in front of him again.
"John, I respect you for the choices you've made, and I regret what has happened between us."
John snorted, "Thanks Dave, it's a pity that Dad doesn't feel the same way."
"He'll come around, "Dave whispered as he began to fade away, "oh and when you're back in the states again, don't forget to stop by and visit? I don't live with dad any longer so look me up?"
John sat and watched as Dave faded away and for the first time in a long time he felt at peace with his family. He really had no idea what his brother or father thought of him, but at least he could put the matter to rest for now. The lights became more intense, a screeching sound filled the air and a shooting pain shot through his arm again. Just when he thought that he couldn't stand the pain any longer he slumped to the floor and darkness claimed him.
When he awoke again the lights and screeching had gone, but his left arm was beginning to feel numb, and he suspected that it had to do with the snake bite. He wondered whether this happened to everyone who went through the vision quest or was he just the unlucky one. Knowing his luck, he was having an allergic reaction to the bite. Since when did I become so pessimistic, I'm beginning to sound like McKay, he chastised himself. Chances are that this happens to everyone and there seem to be plenty of Hyspergan men, so I don't think I'm about to die.
Seeing as he felt much better, he tried to sit up again but immediately regretted it when dizziness returned with a vengeance. He lay on his back staring at the ceiling wondering what was going to happen next, he sure hoped that the quest was over and that someone would be coming to get him out of this cave soon. He hadn't noticed on the way in but the cave had a stout wooden door on it and if he hadn't been so exhausted he would have tried to open it.
Looking around at his surroundings he realised that someone had left him some water and food nearby, food was definitely out of the question, but it was probably a good idea to have a drink of water since he was feeling parched. Rather than risking sitting up again, he managed to drag himself across the floor to where the water jug was. No glasses were sitting next to it, so he took a sip out of the jug and although it tasted a little odd, it was cool and refreshing. He had no idea how long he'd be in this cave so he drank slowly to make sure that there was some left for later.
It didn't take him long to realise that the water had something in it as very soon he was seeing the swirling dancing lights again, he wondered who would be visiting him next, he very quickly got an answer to that question when Lt Ford walked out of the haze.
He studied Ford Closer and very quickly realised that it was the Ford who was all shot up with the wraith enzyme and it showed no resemblance to the man he'd met when he'd arrived at Stargate command to come on this mission.
"Why are you laying down on the job John?" Ford asked sarcastically.
"Aiden," he whispered not quite believing his eyes.
"Of course that's what you always do isn't it?"
What was this guy's problem, he'd always thought that he'd looked out for the young man, but obviously Ford thought differently, "and what is it that I always do?"
"You bark orders at everyone and then you sit back and watch us all screw up. Then you undermine us anytime we do something right."
He didn't really want to get into an argument with imaginary Ford, so he spoke softly to him, "I'm sorry if you feel that way, but that was never my intention."
Ford laughed maniacally, "of course it wasn't. That's why you undermined me when I asked you to infiltrate the hive ship with me a couple of weeks ago. Then to top it all of you sat back and allowed my men to be killed."
"You kidnapped us, shot my team up with the wraith enzyme and then forced me to fly a wraith dart into a hive ship, believe me, I tried to do the right thing and make sure everyone was safe, but you undermined my authority!"
A shooting pain shot through his temple and he felt as if a thousand tiny needles were drilling into his brain, the swirling lights were dancing around him faster and the sound was becoming higher pitched. Right now all he wanted to do was pass out, so he closed his eyes and hoped that it would happen, but no such luck because Ford started to speak to him again.
"I don't know what to say to you, John. I used to look up to you, but I soon realised what a big loser the great John Sheppard was. Colonel Sumner told me all about your record and in the beginning, I didn't believe him, but as time went on I began to see that he was right about you. So, in the end, I concluded that you never really cared about me and you certainly don't respect me now. I'm stronger and faster than I've ever been and all you can do is tell me is that I'm sick."
The pain behind his eyes was intense and all he could see was a haze, but he did his best to look at the young man in front of him a man who he saw great potential in and a man who was one of his closest friends.
"You could have come back to Atlantis with us and then Carson could have found a way to help you. All I've ever wanted to do was help you Aiden and I'm sorry that you couldn't see that."
Slowly Aiden disappeared and he wondered if he would ever see him again, but for now, he let the guilt he was feeling disappear. He knew that he had done all that he could for Ford for now; if he ever saw him again he would have to deal with it then. He felt the darkness encroaching on him once again and he was more than happy to give into its comforting embrace.
When he awoke again the pain in his head had faded a little, but his arm was completely numb up to his shoulder and he really hoped that Carson could put it right when he got back to Atlantis.
The brightly coloured lights were still swirling around his head but for now, they had faded. He thought about having a drink of water as he was desperately thirsty, but then he remembered that the water had been drugged with something.
Rolling onto his side, he wondered who was going to visit him this time. If this was a ritual to try and help him alleviate his guilt, he knew that he was going to be here for a lot longer.
He blinked as three figures walked out of the haze and he instantly recognised them as his team. He sure felt a lot of guilt for the way he'd failed to protect them recently and he knew that he wouldn't get over it in a hurry.
"Hey, guys, what are you doing here?" He asked them weakly.
It was Teyla who spoke first, and her voice was soft and soothing as always, "John, we do not blame you for what Ford did to us."
"I know you don't, but I failed to protect you and as your team leader that is my job."
"You're not Mr Invincible you know," Rodney told him in his usual acerbic tone.
"Sheppard, we don't need you to protect us, well Teyla and I don't, but maybe McKay does, we are all here to protect one another and that includes you," Ronon said in his usual gruff tone.
"Hey!" Rodney exclaimed…" I don't need protecting, well umm…I don't know maybe I do, but the point we're all trying to say is, what happened to us is not your fault. It's entirely Fords."
John actually thought about defending Ford but considering the conversation he'd just had with imaginary Ford, perhaps he'd leave it alone.
Before he had a chance to reply, Teyla spoke up, "and what happened to Aiden is not your fault either. Initially, it was a terrible accident, but in the end, he made his own decisions. You offered him a chance to come back to Atlantis many times, but he did not think he needed our help."
"Thanks, Teyla. I already spoke to an imaginary version of him and came to the same conclusion and right now I'm speaking to an imaginary version of my team so I'm fairly sure I'm going mad."
Rodney, Ronon and Teyla all had a strange look on their faces as they began to fade away and finally, he realised that they'd absolved him of all guilt over what had happened to them at the hands of Ford.
A huge sense of relief came over him and with that, the lights started to intensify again. His arm was completely numb by this time and he could feel the fiery tendrils of pain beginning to envelop his shoulder, his head was beginning to pound and the little trip down memory lane wasn't really helping. All he wanted to do was pass out until the whole ordeal was over and his friends from Atlantis came for him.
Just as the darkness was beginning to descend upon him, Teyla walked out of the shadows, "John just remember that we did not want to leave you in the sanctuary for all that time, but we want you to know that we are all truly sorry that happened to you."
When Rodney and Ronon came to stand up alongside Teyla he knew that she was right and it was about time he forgave them, for what had happened.
"I understand Teyla, and I forgive you, all of you."
He watched as his team faded away and the darkness began to descend on him once more and this time he was more than happy to let it take him.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Elizabeth sat and looked at the faces of the people in her office and she could tell that they were incredibly worried about John. She knew that she had to act fast as anything could have happened to John by now and given what had happened to him recently, she knew that he must feel incredibly abandoned and alone right now. They hadn't heard from Minister Mithon in hours, and she was blaming herself for what was going on. But she knew that John wouldn't see it that way and he would do all that he could to reassure her that it wasn't her fault.
Taking a deep breath, she knew that she had to bring the meeting to order, "right now that everyone is here, let's get started."
"Yes, yes, please do because although Colonel Catastrophe is in trouble again, I still have a lot of work to do in my lab," Rodney said and Elizabeth didn't miss the anxiousness in his voice.
"Rodney!" Teyla chastised, "we all have other things we need to be doing, but right now our major concern should be for John. Although we do not know what is going on we all suspect that he is in trouble and I want to be there for him." She turned and looked at Elizabeth before continuing, "what are we going to do next Elizabeth?"
Elizabeth turned to look at Lorne, "Major have you put together a plan for finding Colonel Sheppard?"
"Yes, I have. I think that we should go and visit the minister before we make any rash decisions. I don't want to go to war with these people if Colonel Sheppard is alright and I know that the Colonel has been gone for over twenty-four hours, but the minister did say that the ritual could take up to three days. And although I don't like him much, he hasn't given us cause to distrust him. I recommend that we leave as soon as we've had a chance to get our gear together, perhaps in one hour."
Before she spoke again, she looked at each person in the room and she could see the tired look in their eyes. That alone made her more determined that when they found John that he was going to be unharmed, but that would be too simple wouldn't it?
"I'll see you all in the gate room in an hour and you're all dismissed."
She watched as each one of them left, and when she was sure they had all gone, she sat down and put her head in her hands. She really hoped that she was overreacting, and the test of endurance was nothing that John couldn't handle.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
When John awoke again, the lights and sounds had faded, and his head was left feeling fuzzy and sore. His arm was completely numb as was his shoulder, but now, his back felt as if it was on fire and he knew that the venom from the snake was beginning to spread. He wondered whether it would work its way out of his system on its own or if there was an antivenom, but one thing he did know for sure was he was well and truly ready for this Vision quest to be over?
All of a sudden, he felt bile rising to the back of his throat, so he did his best to roll on his side hoping that it would quell, the nausea. The minute he was on his side he started to retch, and it wasn't long before he lost his meagre stomach contents all over the ground. When he had finished retching, he rolled onto his back again and moaned wondering if this day could get any worse.
He got his answer to that question when Colonel Sumner stepped out of the shadows and spoke to him, "Major Sheppard, laying down on the job are we?"
Upon closer inspection, he realised that Colonel Sumner looked whole, just as he did before the wraith had started to feed on him and he'd had to shoot him dead.
"It's Lt Colonel to you and please tell me why you're here?"
"I'm here to torment you, isn't that what you think?"
"Well go right ahead Colonel Sumner because I've been tortured by all sorts of hallucinations recently so you might as well join in."
"I haven't come here to torment you, John; I've come here to tell you to give yourself a break and to thank you for what you did for me?"
"I seem to remember shooting you Sir," John said feeling totally confused. Perhaps it had something to do with his fuzzy head.
"Yes, you did, but I was so far gone that I would have died anyway and you shooting me was less painful. Besides, I would have told her anything by that point, including the location of earth."
"But then I awakened the wraith early and condemned millions of people to a certain death." That fact had haunted his dreams ever since he'd rescued Teyla and the Athosians from the wraith.
"The wraith would have awoken eventually anyway and at least the peoples of the galaxy have hope in their fight against the Wraith now."
"I don't know what you mean sir."
"Atlantis and the people who live there have become a shining beacon of hope to many people in the galaxy. So, what you need to do now is quit worrying about the past, let your guilt go and look to the future, and believe me when I say you have much potential to achieve great things."
"How do you know what I can do in the future sir, you barely had a chance to get to know me and when we met you made it clear that you didn't think much of me?"
"I may not have liked you, but I saw much potential in you, John."
As Colonel Sumner faded away, he looked at him and thanked him for his encouragement. Maybe it was time to let go of many things, one of them being the huge amount of guilt he'd carried with him since he'd stepped foot on Atlantis. Perhaps Sumner was right, it was time to move forward and give himself a break. For the first time in his life, he felt as if he knew what his purpose was and moving forward, he would give himself over to protecting the people of Atlantis and the Pegasus galaxy whatever the cost.
He felt the weight of the world, or in this case, the galaxy being lifted from his shoulders and he knew that he could sleep knowing that he would be okay, emotionally anyway, he wasn't quite sure about his physical injuries.
Just as his eyelids were beginning to droop and sleep was threatening to overtake him, he heard a strange whining sound from beyond the cave and his last thought before he went to sleep was Wraith.
TBC…
Things are definitely not looking good for John.