Step

It was raining the day I realised it.

I loved the sun with all its warmth and life but I also adored the rain. I used to spend hours, entranced by the falling drops, pressed against my window. If the sun made me want to socialise, to get up and go outside, the rain made me want to think, to observe, to go inside.

I had known of course that I could not go on like this, guilty and unbalanced and burdened but once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator. But perhaps procrastinator wasn't the right word. Perhaps... I couldn't really think of another word. I didn't know how to describe my tendency to put off big problems. Reluctant? Intimidated?

But I needed to do something about it.

It hadn't really hit me before I left my home and my father but I could say with utmost certainty that right now, I wasn't coping. Right now, in the place I couldn't escape, where I had to be, I knew I wasn't coping. And that wasn't good enough. Not for me, not for my father, not for Harry and not for Ginny.

Speaking of Harry, I hadn't seen him around much - No. I needed this time. I had to focus on myself, to try and sort this out so I wouldn't be so... unstable. I couldn't keep this up, didn't want to keep it up. I had already struggled with this kind of thing in my previous life and I did not want to repeat any of the breakdowns or worst moments.

I couldn't wish myself into healthiness but I had to try something at least. I couldn't spend all my days in a haze or as a sulking mess. I'd let myself go too deep into my emotions and I was starting to drown. I couldn't keep this up. It wasn't going to help anyone - especially myself. I knew I wasn't going to transform into the most well-adjusted person anyone had had the pleasure of meeting anytime soon but I was going to have to make a start.

The first step is always the hardest.

And then the next.

And the next.

And so on.

But I needed to do this.

For myself.

Expanding

"How are you getting on with Tom?" Ginny asked curiously.

"Just as well as you are getting on with Lillith." I commented lightly. I knew Lillith had not written anything back and I had not given Tom any ink to write back with. I wasn't going to risk it - I knew I could be too easily influenced and it would be foolish to write to Tom. Instead, I had been examining the spells on the diary.

I had found a strong detection spell - that I used quite generously - to use but the matrix (an actual mathematical matrix - the likes of which I'd learned about at A-Level in my past life) it formed was extremely complex (or rather quite big and I didn't have a computer to help me with it) and I was not taking Arithmancy yet so I had no idea what to do with it. From what I had gathered, Arithmancy was based on Numerology although the Purebloods were too proud to admit it had Muggle roots [1].

I couldn't very well ask Professor Vector (and wasn't that such a fitting name?) about it, could I?

Actually, loathe as I was to use my mother as a way, it might work. It would make sense to have some trauma towards Arithmancy and Runes because that was exactly why she had died and as a person who was trying to become adjusted, it would make sense for me to be trying to overcome it. I wouldn't even be lying - Arithmancy was bit of a problem for me as I had absolutely adored Maths in my previous life and it would no doubt dredge up memories. Runes were simply put, fascinating. It was worth a try.

"Tom's just a bit stubborn." Ginny commented, drawing me from my thoughts.

I smiled at her, still slightly startled - I had been quite lost in my head. It would have been that if I hadn't caught the strange expression on her face. She looked almost hurt - was it because she thought I hadn't been listening? Or was she hurt that Lillith wasn't responding to her? What exactly could I do about that without taking Lillith back? And if I did, I would have to give Tom back, something I was not doing anytime soon.

I still needed to decide what to do with Tom.

Maybe I needed someone else on board. But how would I explain my knowledge? I was known to be slightly strange - I could claim to be a Seer. But I only knew of one possible future and I didn't know how much people knew about Seers. I couldn't take that risk. And if people thought I was Seer, they might try to kidnap or use Legilimency on me, which I didn't want to risk. I could downplay my knowledge but I was going to do that, I would have to be careful about who I went to.

I needed someone more experienced, preferably an adult and not a student. So a Professor then. Dumbeldore and Snape were entirely out of the question (I needed to visit him!) because they would both break into my mind without a second thought. Hagrid was not exactly my idea of a responsible adult and neither was Flich so they were both out. Binns was a ghost.

That left Professor Babbling, Professor Vector, Professor Hooch, Professor Flitwick, Professor Sprout and Professor McGonagall. Oh and Professor Trewlawney but I was not planning on going to her. I didn't have a reasonable excuse to approach Professors Sprout of Hooch so not those two either. I could approach Professor Babbling about Runes but this was more Arithmancy so Professor Vector was better.

Vector, Flitwick or McGonagall.

McGonagall was Deputy Headmistress but that might mean she would be too busy to talk to me and I had no reason for believing the diary was evil. In addition, Ginny was in her house and I didn't want to disrupt out friendship if I could help it. Apart from Harry and the twins occasionally, Ginny was the only one I talked to. Speaking of which, should I try to rope Ginny along or would it be better to keep it from her?

I remembered how Harry and Ron had shunned Hermione in their third year and shivered.

I needed Ginny to come with me to either Professor Vector or Professor Flitwick. Both would do but Flitwick was the Head of Ravenclaw and if I wanted advice or to talk about classes (Arithmancy), it would be better to go to him. But I had to convince Ginny to come with me. How on earth was I going to do that? I couldn't let her see my dislike of Tom so I had to present it to her in an interesting way.

"Ginny..." I began softly, "Do you think Tom would like a body? He must get so lonely, it would be nice for him to explore..."

As expected, Ginny was more than happy to contemplate whether we could give Tom a body or not. She even suggested her own. I glared at her reprimandingly. Ginny made a quite sound arguement about learning how to throw off the Imperius curse if we could throw out Tom and how she trusted him. I barely restrained myself from shouting 'I don't!'. Instead, I said Tom was a boy and probably would appreciate a male body or one made for him. Ginny eventually conceded.

"Maybe we should ask a Professor? Professor Flitwick would know..."

That one didn't go down so well and Ginny worked furiously for three days, absolutely ignoring me. Eventually, she snapped and came up to me, clearly ready for a fight. I said nothing, simply smiled and went back to my book.

"Fine! Let's ask Flitwick! Tomorrow after lessons!" she demanded.

Normally, I would get offended by her shouting - I hadn't done anything wrong - but instead, I beat it down, concealed my smug smile and uttered my agreement. It should work - it had to. But I couldn't be sure - I didn't know Flitwick too well and it was a bit conspicuous.

Flitwick

"Luna..." Giny said in the tone of someone who knows they're doing something 'wrong' but is going to do it anyway, "When we show Flitwick Tom, could we not mention his body please?"

I knew which 'he' she was referring to but purposefully left it vague, "Of course."

Ginny nodded and my words seemed to calm her nerves a little.

"Professor Flitwick?"

I knew the man was rather jovial but was still surprised when he greeted me energetically and invited me in.

"I'm glad you've finally come to see me, Miss Lovegood. And oh, is that Miss Weasley too? Come in, come in."

Still absolutely blindsided and now utterly bewildered, I waited for the Professor to continue. Seeming to get the silent question - or perhaps having just paused to breathe, he continued, "I heard about the charm on you! Nasty business indeed! Cursing someone so that their belongings would end up in other parts of the tower - how terrible! I did send you a note but perhaps you were too busy studying?"

Before I could anything, Ginny growled: "What?" and rounded on me aggressively. I hadn't told her about the ruined essays and quill-pen yet. Oops... I sent her my best sheepish look. I had actually forgotten! And I wasn't really in the habit of airing my dirty laundry and I wasn't even sure we were 'true' friends so... Now it sounded like I had purposefully held it back because I didn't trust Ginny. I didn't trust Ginny but I hadn't purposefully held it back!

Ginny turned back to Flitwick, emulating her mother as she all but roared, "Those... those disgusting little-"

"Miss Weasley!" Flitwick rebuked sharply.

Not wanting to witness a fight, especially over me with a girl arguing on my behalf who I couldn't even bring myself to trust, I cut in, "It's not that bad. It was only a few essays and shoes - it's not like it was my underwear."

I only realised what a big mistake that was after I had said it. In my defence, it wasn't one of my wisest moments. Ginny turned even redder and angrier and I tried not to wilt away like a wallflower (because I was absolutely one) and she turned to Flitwick again who liked like he'd just been slapped. Again, not one of my most insightful moments.

"Miss Lovegood, do you have something to say?"

Many things really but I didn't know what he was searching for. I sent Ginny a confused look and she sighed in exasperation.

"It wasn't a big deal..." I began tentatively. I had considered going to Flitwick but he was usually busy after class so I couldn't talk to him then and I was quite shy - I wasn't going to come to his office. Flitwick let out a sign of his own as I babbled about not wanting to bother him. He seemed to decide it was a matter for another time though for which I was grateful. I did not like being put on the spot.

"Very well, to what do I owe the pleasure?" he asked. I didn't detect any sarcasm in his statement. I was really starting to warm up to my Head of House. (I was still a bit annoyed about being put the spotlight though. I did not appreciate it.)

"Theory!" I exclaimed cheerfully and pulled out Tom. "Do you think we can give him a body?" I asked.

"Luna!" Ginny exclaimed.

"Yes?" I said neutrally, "You said you wouldn't!"

"I said I wouldn't talk about his body..." I said innocently.

"Yes!"

"Oh!" I widened my eyes as if I had just reached this conclusion, "You meant Tom!"

Ginny rolled her eyes at me before pulling a familiar book out of her bag, "Now that cat's out of the bag-" (Here she glared at me.) "-this is-"

"Lillith!" I whisper-shouted.

How was I going to get myself out of this one?

[1] Pythagoras was one the philosophers of the time who believed in Numerology (which Arithmancy seems to be based on). He invented what is referred to as 'Pythagorean Numerology'. One of the things I dislike about Harry Potter is people like Pythagoras being portrayed as Magical because it seems to validate the belief that wixen are above others so my personal head-cannon is that the wixen pretended Pythagoras was Magical because 'if you can't destroy them, join them'.