Between Light and Dark – A Choice

Chapter 6

(Here's chapter 6 :) Enjoy!)

"I still don't get it Kanan! How could he wound you like that, if all of what happened took place in Ezras mind?" Hera asked, looking at Kanan with confusion. They had been talking for a couple of hours and he had just finished re-telling the events of the days that he was 'out', taking his time with it so Hera could ask questions in between, and as he'd known would happen, he seemed to only have confused her more than before.

He sighed, but patiently replied "I already explained it twice Hera. But as I said, you probably wouldn't understand much of it. You don't know the Force like Ezra and I do, so of course you can't imagine anything like that as a possibility. It's no wonder really. I couldn't either to begin with. And if I explained the same thing to Zeb or Sabine, neither of them would understand it either. All you can do is accept that it happened".

"But don't you see Kanan? If I accept that it happened, that means accepting that it could happen again and I already nearly lost y" Hera responded, but cut her words short. "Lost what?" Kanan asked but shyly, Hera looked away. "You know what I mean, you big oaf" she replied and Kanan smiled, moved over to her, and placed a hand on her cheek.

"I'm not planning on going anywhere, Hera. I'm perfectly good right where I am" he then said and their eyes met for a moment, before Hera pulled away and his hand dropped loosely down along his side again.

Hera cleared her throat. "Well anyways" she then said "I'm only glad to have both of you safely back with us again. You are great assets for the rebellion, and we'd be sorry to lose you".

She had carefully hidden her emotions again and Kanan understood why. They needed to remain strictly professional, despite the unspoken feelings between them. It was the only way to do what needed to be done.

"So" he thus began after a bit "do we have new orders yet?". Hera nodded. "We're going to be heading out tomorrow, so I hope both of you are ready by then" she said but Kanan shook his head. "No way Ezra is going to be up for anything so soon. I don't want him out in the field as he is right now" he commented.

Hera frowned. "Well, we need him to be. Why are you so cautious with him? He's not suffering any physical injuries, and surely he can go off the IV soon" she asked. "Ezra is vulnerable at the moment. If he goes out there, and something goes south, I can't guarantee his safety" Kanan said. "We never can anyways, he knows that" Hera retorted, frustrated.

"I'm not letting him back in to the action yet and that's final Hera. I won't risk it. He'll only be a liability to the team!". Hera looked at him with wide eyes. "What's with you?" she asked, surprised at his apparent anger.

Kanan sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry" he replied "I didn't mean to sound so harsh, it's just that… Ezra is my Padawan. I'm responsible for him and I know that he isn't stable. I'm worried he might be tipped over the edge, if pressured". "The edge of what?" Hera asked and Kanan looked at her with tired eyes. "Remember how I've told you about the two sides of the Force, Light and Dark?". Hera nodded. "Well, the edge I'm talking about is the edge of darkness. He's already been drawn towards it. If he gets pressured right now, that pull might grow too powerful to resist".

"Okay fine. I'll give him a couple of days off, but we really do need him back, Kanan" Hera replied with a sigh. "I understand". "What about you then? Are you ready for action?" she then asked and Kanan nodded. "Yeah, I should be good". "No more pains?". "Well, none that I can't handle at least" he responded, and Hera acknowledged. "Alright, then I'll expect you to be up for the mission tomorrow. We might as well leave as soon as possible, if Ezra isn't going to be ready anyways".

"What exactly is the mission?" Kanan asked. "We're escorting an asset from Jelucan, who holds information valuable to the rebellion. We're picking the asset up near a moon. Someone else will get it off the planet first" Hera replied. "I see" Kanan commented "you keep calling it 'asset'. Do we have more information on which type of 'asset' it is? Droid, humano…".

Suddenly, Kanan stopped talking and he hurriedly turned his head to the side, glancing over his shoulder. "Kanan, something wrong?" Hera asked. Kanans unseeing eyes widened slightly. "Ezra!" he then said and turned around, heading for the door. "Why are you mentioning Ezra? Kanan, what's happening?". Kanan cast a glance at her over his shoulder, though he didn't stop moving. "I'm sorry Hera" he said "we'll need to pick this up later. He needs me" and with that, he hurried out of the cockpit without looking back…

What made Kanan leave the cockpit was an intense feeling of fear, coupled with the cold that had become so familiar to him whilst he was in Ezras mind. But as he approached his own quarters, the fear was slowly changing to anger. Taking a deep breath to try and stay focused, he opened the door to his cabin and hurried inside, only to be violently thrown against it the moment it had closed behind him again, by a force push from his student.

"I already told you, stay OUT of my mind! Stay AWAY from me!" he heard Ezra exclaim loudly, as he stood next to the bed, panting and with a hand raised towards Kanan, with eyes that flashed yellow in place of their usual blue.

Kanan moaned as he hit the door, having his wounded back slammed hard against it, making his heart hammer in his chest with the pain. "Ezra" he groaned "what… are you doing? Snap out of it. Come back to me. Remember what I've taught you!". For a long while, Ezras eyes just kept shining, until eventually his hand dropped, and he collapsed next to the bed.

Kanan felt it coming and fought through his own pain in time to catch Ezra before he could hit the ground. "Ezra" he said "come on kid, snap out of it. Maul is not here. You're safe".

His back ached and he could feel the cold still coiled around them, as they sat on the floor, Kanan on his knees and Ezra in his arms. There was a familiar sense of darkness from his student and he instantly worried if this time, the other had truly crossed beyond his reach. The sadness of that thought weighed heavy on him, but he still felt Ezras presence in the Force and it still felt like a spectrum of light, though dimmed and flickering.

"Ezra" Kanan said, voice low and strained "I'm not doubting that you will return to me, but I can't sit like this forever, so if you would hurry up a bit, I would really appreciate it". He was trying to keep his worries in check by being gruff, which had helped with his Padawans training in the past, in the hope that it might work now as well. And much to his surprise, Ezra suddenly groaned and moved a hand to his forehead, frowning.

"What… happened?" he asked no one in particular, apparently not fully having realized yet, that he wasn't alone. The whole situation reminded Kanan a little too much about an event not long after he'd taken Ezra under his wing in the first place, and he didn't like it one bit. "Ezra" he said "how are you feeling? Are you alright?". "Kanan?" Ezra groaned, confused as he pushed himself up and out of Kanans arms, though he did not yet rise.

Shaking his head, he opened his eyes and glanced around, spotting the man on his knees beside him. "Kanan!" he exclaimed, looking shocked as he noticed the pained look on his Masters' face. "Did I do this?! I did, didn't I?! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! I thought you were Maul!". "I know Ezra, I know you didn't. Relax" Kanan replied, but then moaned quietly. "Mind giving me a hand up?" he then asked, and Ezra swallowed, getting to his feet. "No, of course not" he said, offering the other his hand.

Taking it, Kanan managed to get up, though only long enough for him to move closer to the bed and sit down on it with a pained grimace and a hand on his shoulder. "Kanan, what is it? Did I break something? Should I get some help?" Ezra asked, worry and fear in his voice. It was obvious that his own actions had scared him quite a bit.

"Easy, easy!" Kanan replied, moving his shoulder back and forth a bit to make sure it was just bruising and nothing deeper. In front of him, IV still inserted in his hand, Ezra had knelt down, his eyes shining with the anxiety bubbling inside him, and placed a hand cautiously on Kanans leg, whilst he observed his Master.

"Ezra, rein in your emotions please. They're a little overpowering and I can't spare the focus" Kanan said, looking at Ezra with serious eyes. "Ah!" Ezra exclaimed "sorry, sorry! I'm trying Master, I really am".

"I know" Kanan said "but don't be afraid for me, Ezra. I won't say it doesn't hurt, because it does, and I do not wish to lie to you. But it's just bruises, nothing more. Sure, they complicate things a bit when I have to go on tomorrows mission with the others, but it is my responsibility to deal with that, not yours".

Ezra lowered his head in shame at his own weakness, but did little more. Kanan frowned, then let his hand fall from the shoulder again and straightened as much as he could on the bed. "Ezra?" he said questioningly, sensing Ezra had something he wanted to ask. The young man did not look at him, but after a little, he spoke again, his voice remorseful and dark.

"What did I do to you Kanan? When? How long had you been on that floor? And why can't I remember?!". "Ah" Kanan said "I knew you wanted to ask about something. You used Force push to throw me against the door, just as I came in here, only a few minutes and because you used the Dark side again, like you did back when you summoned that fyrnock".

"I… did? But I didn't feel cold" Ezra said curiously and Kanan swallowed, his eyes darkening. "That part is far more worrisome than any bruises I might have sustained. Ezra, that you're not feeling the cold anymore, means that you are embracing the Dark more and more. You have got to learn to take control of your feelings and you need to stop using the Dark side! It's beginning to be your instinctual go-to and that is extremely dangerous. Do you understand?!". Ezra nodded. "I understand. Can you help me?" he replied, voice pleading. It was obvious that he really did not want to join the dark side of the Force, and that he still feared it, when aware of his own actions.

Kanan sighed. "Yes. I can" he replied "but it's going to take a lot from you, amongst these things a willingness to let go. You need to be less attached to your surroundings, to me and the crew, and find balance within yourself. You need to learn that emotions are a thing we will always have. That they are understandable and accepted, as long as they do not control our actions. It will take a lot of meditation and a lot of patience. But we can do it, in time".

"I'm scared Kanan… You keep telling me how strong I am in the Force and that that is why Maul wants me as his apprentice. I can sense that you're afraid of not being powerful enough to teach me properly and that you worry about the day when I become stronger than you. So if that's true, then how much time do we actually have? What if it runs out and I…" Ezra asked, then cut himself off before he could finish his sentence.

Kanans eyebrows rose in surprise. "You're quite perceptive, Padawan" he said, in a tone that made Ezras eyes widen. "All of these things are true" Kanan then continued "but we shouldn't be afraid of your power. If we are, then we have already lost. No, we shouldn't fear it. Instead, we need to embrace it and help you utilize it as well as possible. This includes daily meditation to calm the storm of emotions in you, as well as training sessions where you can spend this excess energy you have before it overpowers you.

You lose consciousness when you have these lapses in control of dark energy, and not only is that not healthy, it's also extremely dangerous if you ever return to duty". Ezra nodded. "When do we start?" he then asked, making Kanan grin. "Easy there kid. You're still on an IV" he said, but Ezra didn't let that stop him.

"Oh, this thing?" he said, touching the bandage on his hand "it might not be very convenient in a fight, but it won't get in the way of some meditation, will it?".

"No, that is true" Kanan replied "but are you sure you're up for it? And if you say yes, then I would still be wary of you doing it unsupervised and unguided. When you open your mind to your surroundings doing meditation, you also open it to Maul".

The Master looked at his Padawan with cautious eyes and Ezra didn't blame him. He didn't much feel like facing Maul alone again, like he had to begin with before.

"Then when, Master?" he asked and Kanan clearly sensed his eagerness to learn and take charge of himself again. "As soon as possible" he therefor replied "I would say right after the next mission, if we can find the time". "It's not a question of 'if'" Ezra said "we have to, we just have to!" and Kanan nodded. "Agreed. If time is not offered to us naturally, we'll take the time. We must act now, before the darkness within you get any more out of hand" he said, looking determined.

This was a great responsibility on his shoulders, but he would see it through, if at all possible…