Loud's Bizarre Reactions

by Starpion

Upon discovering an unusual Blu-ray, Lincoln and his sisters begin to watch a story full of action, drama, and fabulous poses! Rated T for JoJo.

6. The Dark Knights

"Alright, it's about to start!" said Lincoln as the last few bars of Roundabout played. After the grand finale of the previous episode, the four Louds on the couch were chomping at the bit. As the final note of the ending played, the fifth episode began.

~PB~

The episode opened at sunset over a small town. The village and its adjacent fields were surrounded by mountains, save for a side on the coast which had a dock and the most buildings. "Behold the village of Windknight's Lot," said the narrator, "nestled in a valley and ringed by daunting cliffs."

~LBR~

"And we've gone from an action show to a documentary," said Lynn, moving her finger in a circle in fake excitement. "Yippee."

~PB~

The scene cut from an aerial view to a castle that it panned down, seemingly the same one that Dio resided in. "A castle dominates the landscape," continued the narrator. "Built in the Middle Ages as a proving ground for knights, it housed prisoners who toil underground, mining coal as penance for their crimes."

~LBR~

"'The harshest punishments are given to the worst criminals of them all: litterbugs,'" joked Lincoln in his best narrator voice.

~PB~

The scene changed yet again, this time to the docks. "Fishing and farming provide sustenance and commerce alike. Five hundred and seventeen souls call the sleepy burg their home…" The scene made one last cut to farms on the outskirts of the village as the music cut out. "...but how few shall remain when the carnage is done." There was a loud sting as it cut to the opening.

~LBR~

"That sounds pretty ominous," said Luna. "Think something bad's gonna happen?"

"As long as the good guys all make it out, I'm happy!" said Lana. But as the opening played, their excitement was accompanied by a tiny feeling of dread.

~PB~

A soft sting played right after the opening ended, the scene cutting to a mountain. The camera panned over as the episode title was revealed: "Chapter 5: The Dark Knights."

~LBR~

"What, are they fighting Batman?" wondered Lincoln as he saw the title.

"I doubt it, dude," said Luna.

~PB~

The camera panned to farmland on the outskirts of Windknight's Lot. There was a brief cut to Zeppeli turning around with an inquisitive look. It cut back to the farmland before it cut to Speedwagon with his teeth clenched, a few beads of sweat rolling down his face.

~LBR~

"What's going on here? Are they afraid they're being followed?" wondered Lynn.

"From the looks of it, it's more like Zeppeli is thinking that Speedwagon was the one who ate the last cookie, and now Speedwagon is afraid he'll be found out," said Lana, rubbing her chin with her thumb and finger. She soon found that she had three pairs of eyes staring at her in bewilderment as she looked to her right. "Or not, just spitballing…"

~PB~

The scene cut to the fields, farm workers reaping and loading wheat. "Farmers seeing to the harvest," said Jonathan. "Thus far, all is well." The camera cut from the farmers to his face as Jonathan kept a wary eye out. "However, Dio lurks in the shadows waiting to strike."

"Ow," muttered Speedwagon before there was a loud thud, followed by the sound of joints cracking and popping.

~LBR~

"Speaking of strikes," winced Luna.

"Guess my theory doesn't look so dumb now, huh?" said Lana.

"Sure, keep telling yourself that," said Lynn.

~PB~

Jonathan's eyes widened as he heard the sound. He quickly turned around towards Zeppeli and Speedwagon. "What— what happened?" he asked.

"Uh…well…" stuttered Zeppeli as Speedwagon groaned in pain and twitched while on his hands and knees. "Speedwagon has been begging me to share in your power." Zeppeli turned to Jonathan and clenched his fist, save his pinky. "I meant to help him create just a little bit of Hamon, as I did that first day with you. It seems I was too rough. Did my finger slip?"

~PB~

"Okay, guess I was wrong, but still, poor Speedwagon," said Lana.

"Yeah, guess not everyone can use Hamon," said Lincoln with a sigh.

"He can't use Hamon, he doesn't have any weapons, and fighting hand to hand with vampires and zombies without powers is suicide," said Lynn. "What can he even do?"

"Moral support?" suggested Luna. Lynn opened her mouth to object, but thought it over.

"That's not a bad idea, actually."

~PB~

"Un migliaio di scuse, my dear Speedwagon," apologized Zeppeli, none of them aware of the shadowy figure watching them from afar, knife in hand.

"In English, please," muttered Speedwagon.

~LBR~

"'Very well then. Don't be a baby,'" said Lynn.

"Pretty sure that's not what he said," retorted Lincoln, although the knived figure watching the heroes was fresh in his mind.

~PB~

Suddenly, a curved knife, presumably used by their stalker, sliced through a rope tied to a stake in the ground. A change in scenery revealed a thin tree that was stretched back, a rope connecting its tip and the suspenders of the figure. With the rope pulling it back severed, the tree straightened itself while whipping the figure tied to it into the air like a crude trebuchet, all in a second. The end of rope on the tree unhooked itself from the suspenders, sending the person flying through the air and towards the trio of heroes.

Jonathan's eyes shot to the side as he heard the noise, the three looking up at the flying figure. It was a young boy, no older than twelve. He had a brown sun hat like the farmers, as well as a white shirt and black pants with orange suspenders. He also had curly brown hair and didn't wear shoes. As he rocketed past them, he grabbed the bag that was next to Speedwagon, much to the man's shock. The young thief held onto his hat as he landed in the far end of a nearby lake. Small bubbles burst at the surface before he stuck his head out and swam to the shore.

~LBR~

"Whoa," said Lincoln, the others silent. "That was pretty cool!"

"What do you mean? That punk just robbed the three of them!" argued Lynn.

"Well, yeah, and that's a bad thing, but I've got to give credit where it's due. That was a pretty well-thought plan! I mean, he had to make sure the tree was sturdy enough while still able to bend, he had to get the right angle, and then there's the timing! Take it from me, that plan was awesome!"

"I thought it was kinda cool," said Lana, raising her hand. Lynn gave up arguing as Lincoln hit the play button.

~PB~

"Our culprit is a lad l, it would seem," said Jonathan with a faint smile.

"His crime was well planned," approved Zeppeli with his arms folded. "I salute the boy's ingenuity."

"How come you two are heaping praise on that little imp?" complained Speedwagon after climbing to his feet. "He's making my off with every pound we have to our names!" As he said this, the scene cut to the thief in question, who had untied the rope around their waist and was climbing the rocky wall of a cliff with his bounty in hand.

~LBR~

"Whoa, deja vu," said Luna as she turned to her left.

~PB~

"Oi!" yelled Speedwagon with a clenched fist. "Bring it back!"

"Yes, he took our money, but think how he might be able to help," said Jonathan.

"Agreed," said Zeppeli as he ran to the edge of the lake, kneeling in front of the water. "A guide who knows the lay of the land would not be unwelcome." A green background briefly appeared as he held his hands flat like usually, moving them around and channeling Hamon through his body. With a light grunt, he lightly pushed against the water with the back of his hands. Hamon surged through the lake and sent a beautiful display of ripples along its surface.

Slowly, Zeppeli lightly put the toes of his foot on the water, Hamon coursing through his boot. Miraculously, the water rippled, but his foot didn't sink. There was a brief cut to the climbing thief, revealing he had blue eyes and freckles, before it cut back to Zeppeli on the water. He continued to tiptoe across the lake, making high-pitched grunts and holding his hands out in his usual stance as he skipped across the surface.

~LBR~

The four were slack-jawed, astounded by the actions of Zeppeli. Admittedly, Lynn and Lincoln couldn't help but chuckle after the awe wore off due to the odd way Zeppeli was moving.

~PB~

"What the—" gasped Speedwagon in a split screen before it cut to him and Jonathan on the shore. "He's walking on it!"

~LBR~

"For a loose definition of walking," chuckled Lynn as Lana found her voice.

"Cool, he's like a basilisk lizard!"

"A what?" asked Lincoln.

"They're these lizards that can run crazy fast on their hind legs, and their feet are specially shaped to catch air bubbles. With their feet and speed, they can even sprint across water!"

"Huh, cool," said Luna, still in disbelief and not really paying attention.

~PB~

Jonathan suddenly jumped into the air and stepped onto the water, Hamon coursing through his feet as he replicated the technique. He ran across the surface, taking longer and heavier steps than Zeppeli. This had the side effect of causing his boots to sink an inch or two, but he was still able to cross the lake.

"JoJo, your shoes are getting wet," said Zeppeli as the two crossed the surface of the lake, leaving poor Speedwagon behind. "Try to bolster your Hamon for the sake of your wardrobe."

~LBR~

"You're both walking on water! Who cares about the stupid shoes, dude?!" snapped Luna as she returned to normal.

"Hey, you're back," said Lynn.

~PB~

The thief kept climbing as Jonathan and Zeppeli reached the other side of the lake, standing on the rocky shore. Looking up at the young burglar and raising his right hand, Jonathan took a deep breath as Hamon coursed through his arm. With a grunt, he pulled back his arm and quickly struck the cliff with it, sending a wave of Hamon through it. The cliff side shook as rippling shockwaves traveled up it, a soft ring accompanying the sound of shaking rock.

"Ahh, that was a nice diminuendo," said Zeppeli, holding a hand to his ear. "Your Overdrive passed through the rocks as smooth as silk."

"Do you think I struck the right place, Baron?" asked Jonathan.

"No," said Zeppeli, "but a couple of paces to the left should do it." He closed his eyes and lifted two fingers. "Two pounds says I'm right."

The scene cut to the result of that second strike, the rocks shaking as the pickpocket was almost at the top of the cliff. He gasped as a golden burst of Hamon shot out of a crack in the rocks. The mild shock and burst of bright light knocked him backwards with a yell, knocking off his hat and causing him to let go of the bag.

"Why'd it shock me?!" screamed the kid as he fell towards the rocky beach below, only to land safely in the arms of Jonathan with a light grunt.

"Molto bene," congratulated Zeppeli as the camera panned over to reveal Speedwagon standing in the shallow end of the lake, having finally caught up to the two Hamon users.

~LBR~

"Wait, how did Speedwagon get there?" asked Lincoln.

"There was a path," said Lana.

"But his shoes are in the water," said Lincoln. "Did he cut through the shallow end or something?"

"Maybe the path was muddy," shrugged Luna.

~PB~

"Huh?" wondered the boy as he looked around. "What happened?" He then turned to Jonathan. "Who are you? Why are you holding me?"

~LBR~

"Nice one, JoJo," said Lynn, "you gave him amnesia."

~PB~

"Lad, are you alright?" asked Jonathan. "The fall shouldn't have hurt you that badly. Did I use too much Hamon?"

Zeppeli grabbed the brim of his hat. "I'd guess we were meant to give chase when he took our bag." The scene cut to the sun setting behind the cliffs, night falling upon the heroes. "Look around."

As the sky became dark and Jonathan and Speedwagon got a glimpse of their surroundings, Jonathan gasped as he saw a field of tombstones right in front of him.

"This is…" said Jonathan.

"...a graveyard," finished Speedwagon.

~LBR~

"Ooh, this can't be good," said Luna. "They had enough trouble with one zombie, how are they gonna fight off a small army of them?"

"They'll find a way," said Lincoln with a confident smirk. "The heroes always manage to overcome the odds, no matter how bad they are."

~PB~

A pale, clawed hand burst out of the ground and grabbed the ankle of Jonathan, much to his surprise. Another arm popped out and grabbed Zeppeli. "It's no accident that we now find ourselves held by these restless cadavers, my friends," said Zeppeli as he looked down at the hand grasping his leg, holding up his index and middle fingers before he lowered his hands and turned to Jonathan and the boy. "Our young thief, he was hypnotized and made to lure us here."

"There, JoJo!" shouted Speedwagon as he pointed at something above them in the distance. "It's him!"

Jonathan gasped at his friend's words and looked where he was pointing, his eyes widening at the sight.

"Huh?" wondered Zeppeli as he looked to see what was going on.

~LBR~

"So far, the thing that's fazed this guy more than anything is JoJo getting his shoes wet," said Lynn.

"Like I said, he must've seen some WEIRD stuff before he met JoJo," said Lana.

~PB~

The camera panned up the canyon that stood before them, huge rock formations towering over the humans. And in the distance, atop the highest of these landmarks, was none other than Dio Brando in partial silhouette, standing in front of a full moon.

"The sun is gone," he said as the camera quickly jumped up to his face. It bore a fanged smirk as a sound effect jumped into view. "You will not live to see it rise once more."

~LBR~

"Didn't expect him to show up again so soon," said Lana. "Bad guys like him usually sit in their castle and let their minions do the dirty work, don't they?"

"Don't forget, this is Dio," said Luna. "He loves a chance to show off."

"Good point," said Lana.

~PB~

"Dio," said Jonathan, glaring at the monster that was once his brother. As Jonathan stared down his nemesis, more zombies began to burst from their graves. They were all pale as ghosts and disfigured due to decomposition, and many of the revenants wore soldier's battle armor.

The young boy gasped as the zombie that had grabbed Jonathan rose from its grave and reached for him. "Why are they crawling out?" he asked in fear. Jonathan gave no answer, merely kicking the zombie without even looking at it. The zombie released Jonathan as it was sent flying a short distance away.

~LBR~

"Okay, that was pretty cool," said Lynn. "He kicked it back with the leg it was holding onto, WHILE LOOKING AWAY FROM IT!"

~PB~

Speedwagon balled his hand into a trembling fist as he stared at Dio, a cold sweat running down his face. "I— I've been trying to steel my spine leading up to this little tête-à-tête," he muttered, "but it's like the Grim Reaper's breathing down my neck. I'm all a sweat." He slowly lifted his shaking fist, trying and failing to calm his nerves. "How am I supposed to find my courage when that monster's staring right at us, huh?"

A red spiral filter covered the screen, causing the full moon to appear purple and Dio scarlet. An overlay of Jonathan holding the dead body of George appeared. "Sir Joestar loved him, and all he got for his troubles was death," said Speedwagon, the overlay vanishing and a split screen showing his face on the left. "Listen, you— you're gonna pay for it!"

~LBR~

"This guy is just impossible to hate," said Lincoln with genuine praise. "He knows he doesn't have a snowball's chance in the desert against Dio, and he's scared out of his mind, but he's still going to stand his ground and support his friends. Now THAT is courage."

"Well said, little bro!" said Lynn as she gave him a playful slap on the back, albeit a little rougher than intended.

"Ow…" said an annoyed Lincoln.

~PB~

The original color palette was restored as Zeppeli punched the zombie that was holding onto him, his Hamon overloading it and turning it to dust. The whole time, Zeppeli was looking at Dio with a furious stare. "This is Dio Brando," he muttered. "He and his minions have no power to attack us while we stand in the daylight." He clenched a fist as the camera changed, Jonathan and the boy he was holding in view alongside Zeppeli. "But here in a field of darkness and carrion, he thinks us easy prey, ripe for the taking at any moment."

The scene changed to a smirking Dio, returning the glares he was receiving with one of his own, smirking all the while. "A creature of such guile must not have the mask. Somehow, we will purge the world of this evil."

~LBR~

"Have you tried garlic yet? 'Cause now might be the time for that secret weapon," said Lana.

~PB~

Jonathan's glare intensified as Dio raised two fingers, clenching them as he beckoned them to attack. Suddenly, a horde of grotesque zombies rushed towards Jonathan and Zeppeli. "Even moldering knights obey him!" shouted Zeppeli as a color shift appeared, turning his suit orange with purple trim and Jonathan's outfit red-brown and lavender, their hair turning red.

"What do they call you, lad?" asked Jonathan, the lad in question sporting a pink shirt, orange hair, and purple eyes thanks to the shift.

"Uh, Poco," he said.

~LBR~

"And that's another one," said Luna with a fist pump.

"Poco is another band, I take it?" asked Lynn.

"Yep! I haven't listened to them too much, but Pops has a couple albums lying around."

~PB~

"Well, Poco, hang on tight," said Jonathan as he put Poco on his back, giving him a better range of motion for fighting. "It's time for us to go."

"JoJo, this way!" shouted Zeppeli as he ran past the two.

"Lead on," said Jonathan.

~LBR~

"Ah yes, our hero, bringing a defenseless child into battle," said Lincoln.

"Hey, it's either that or let him run away unguarded, no doubt getting killed," said Luna. "I doubt even Speedwagon would be much help."

"He could be bait," said Lynn, earning looks from her siblings. "Too much?"

~PB~

With a loud cry, Zeppeli jumped into the air and chopped the side of a zombie's head. The Hamon coursing through his hand made short work of the monster as it fell back, knocking a line of zombies over and wiping them out.

~LBR~

"Like a bunch of living dead dominoes!" said Lana.

~PB~

Jonathan used a rock as a platform, jumping into the air as Poco screamed. He pulled back his fist, glowing with Hamon. "Zoom Punch!" he shouted as he threw a powerful punch, his shoulder dislocating with painful sounds as his arm extended. The extended arm struck the head of a zombie, caving it in as it growled feebly.

"Wow," said Poco in awe as Jonathan retracted his arm.

~LBR~

"Okay, that was cool and all, but I'll never get used to that noise," said Luna with a hand on her shoulder.

"Zeppeli didn't even teach him how to do that!" said Lincoln in awe. "He figured it out on his own after watching it once! So awesome!"

~PB~

As Jonathan landed with grace, Zeppeli sprinted past him in the opposite direction. He jumped onto a small cliff above the others and stared up at Dio as the shift disappeared, the color scheme returning to normal.

With Dio out of the shadows and in view, his new outfit was visible, having abandoned the one from a week ago. He had a blue scarf wrapped around his neck and a red and white striped shirt with matching pants. He had long brown boots, black vambraces on his wrists, a brown vest, and brown suspenders with gold rivets.

"Dio Brando," muttered Zeppeli as he pointed at Dio. Dio did nothing but smirk as he looked down at the Hamon expert. "JoJo and Speedwagon have told me much."

~LBR~

"'Including your hatred for walls,'" joked Lana.

~PB~

"To the mask that allows you to act out your evil heart," said Zeppeli, "I say only this: this time, I break you." There was a brief close-up of Zeppeli that showed the anger and determination in his eyes. The scene cut to Dio, who snarled as he opened his mouth and revealed his fangs.

"Hey, bambino," said Zeppeli as he snapped his fingers, "it's easy to be cocky when you're up there out of harm's way." He then bent his fingers and beckoned the vampire forward. "Come and fight."

"You dare to address me thus, insect," said Dio. "I, the pinnacle of creation. To mere humans, I am like unto a god." Dio raised his fist as his body gained a smoky purple glow. "So why would I cavort down in the filth with you?" He then opened his hand and shot his palm forward, releasing some sort of shockwave. Zeppeli held onto his hat and grunted as he held his ground, his coat flailing in the wind. Jonathan had his arms crossed in front of him as Poco hid behind his back.

~LBR~

"Was that a Ki blast or something?" wondered Lincoln. "What else did Dio learn in such little time?"

"Something tells me we're gonna find out," said Lynn.

~PB~

As the wind settled down, Zeppeli looked to his pupil behind him to make sure he was alright. "He almost knocked me off my feet with a blast of pure hate. Already, this Dio has the soul of a tyrant."

Dio lifted his vest and shirt, revealing a large scar on his lower right stomach, likely from the statue he landed on. "All of the scars from my battle with JoJo have healed," said Dio. "All, save this one. Come, charlatan." He lifted his other arm into the air as a fist. "Relinquish your blood, that I may erase this imperfection."

Zeppeli pulled down his hat, the brim covering his eyes. "Tell me. To undo your injuries, how many innocent lives did you consume?"

"I don't know," said Dio in a coy manner as he put a finger to his mouth. "How many loaves of bread have you eaten in your lifetime?" Split screens showed a snarling Zeppeli and a screaming Jonathan, both angered by his "answer."

"Dio!" shouted Jonathan.

~LBR~

"He just thinks of people as food. What a total butthead," said Lana as she glared at the screen.

"I don't know," said Lynn as she scratched the back of her neck. "That would probably have more impact if it wasn't for the fact that none of these guys look like they've eaten bread in their lives."

~PB~

Before Jonathan could act, Zeppeli held out his arm to discourage him, confusing the Joestar and his passenger. "What are you doing?"

"I will take him," Zeppeli told Jonathan. He got into his typical open-palmed pose as Hamon flared through his body. "Hoo-um!" he exhaled loudly before jumped high into the air. Using the gravestones and rocks as stepping stones, he soon jumped up the tower of rocks that Dio stood upon.

"Your doom is nigh, Dio," said Zeppeli, jumping so that he was now higher than Dio and rearing back his arm for a decisive blow.

~LBR~

"Think the dude has a chance against Dio?" Luna asked her younger siblings.

"One can only hope," said Lincoln.

"Come on, Zeppeli, punch him in his stupid grin!" cheered Lynn.

~PB~

"Hi-yoo!" screamed Zeppeli as he drove his palm forward, fingertips first. Dio's eyes widened as he lifted his own palm and caught the blow. As his fingers curled to grab the hand, Zeppeli closed his own hand into a fist as sparks of Hamon crackled around it. Jonathan and Speedwagon gasped as they looked up, staring at the sight of Dio holding back Zeppeli's fist and bending his head back as if to look at the sky.

~LBR~

"His hit was so strong, he broke his spine!" joked Lana, the others laughing at the odd pose.

"Well, Zeppeli is above him, so how else can he look down on him?" joked Luna.

~PB~

"Solar Hamon, pierce the night!" shouted Zeppeli. "Sunlight Yellow Overdrive!" The Hamon in his arm shot into Dio's arm with incredible speed and power. The rippling energy shredded Dio's sleeve and caused his flesh to spin like a drill as it coursed through his body.

"He did it!" cheered Jonathan. "His Hamon is moving its way up Dio's arm."

But as his arm continued to ripple, Dio could only smirk as he clenched his hand into a fist around Zeppeli's. His arm was suddenly covered in a very thin layer of light blue ice as it stopped rippling, much to the surprise of Zeppeli. Dio's eyes narrowed. "Consider this an eclipse."

~LBR~

The Louds were completely floored. "Wh-Whaaaaa?" said Lana, the closest thing to words any of them could make.

~PB~

"Your hand…" muttered Zeppeli as ice traveled up his arm, "...it's freezing me." Half of his arm was frozen before the ice shattered, taking Zeppeli's sleeve with it. Zeppeli screamed in agony as the veins in his arm ripped open, tiny fragments of frozen blood spewing from his wounds.

~LBR~

Lincoln paused the show as Lynn rubbed her eyes, making sure she didn't just imagine what they saw. "Did Dio just flash freeze Baron Zeppeli?"

"Uh-huh," nodded Lana. "So Dio can freeze people now. Is that a vampire thing?"

"Last time I checked, no," said Luna. "Maybe Luce knows more about this."

"About what?"

"Gah!" shouted the four as they turned to see Lucy standing beside the couch.

"When did you get here?!" asked Lincoln as he checked to see if his heart was still beating.

"Just a moment ago," said Lucy as Lynn muttered something about tying a bell around her neck. "Lori's ordering the pizza and was trying to get you to text your orders, but none of you answered your phones. She sent me so she could fill in the orders for everyone else." The four pulled out their phones, seeing a short string of texts from Lori in their group text, getting increasingly annoyed.

"Where from?" asked Lynn.

"Mama Janes," said Lucy, causing Lynn and Lincoln to fist pump as they all filled in their orders. "So what did you want to ask me about?"

"Oh yeah," said Lincoln as he sent his request. "Can vampires freeze things?"

"Not in anything that I've read or seen," said Lucy. "Why?" As Lana put in her own order (anchovies), she pointed to the screen. Lucy turned to see the frozen hand of Dio clutching Zeppeli. "Hmm, interesting. Like the 'icy touch of death' made tangible. Mind if I join you for a moment? I feel like this could cause further inspiration."

"Sure," said Lincoln as he and Lana scooted over, letting Lucy sit on the couch. Lincoln rewinded to the moment where Zeppeli used the Sunlight Yellow Overdrive (the four having to give the goth a brief explanation of Hamon), and the quintet watched through the scene until they reached the point they left off at.

~PB~

Jonathan stared in shock as Zeppeli stared at his arm and groaned. It was covered in a spider web of cuts that were still dripping shards of frozen blood, and had grown pale from a mixture of hypothermia and lack of blood flow.

"It's simple, really," said Dio with a smirk. "For Hamon to work, blood must flow through this arm with which you hit me." Zeppeli began to whimper in pain and fear as Dio continued. "I froze the very blood in your veins, rendering your attack powerless."

The scene cut to Dio's face, a sinister glare in his eyes. "I have mastery of my body in ways that you can't even begin to dream. You see, I just vaporized the moisture in my left arm. The force of it pulled in all heat in the immediate area, freezing your arm in the process."

~LBR~

"So that's how he did it," said Lincoln as he scratched his chin. "Makes sense, I think. They never covered that in class when we were talking about heat energy."

"I think we learned about that, but it's kinda fuzzy," said Lynn. "Still pretty cool though."

"Indeed, this certainly gives me ideas for another poem. Thank you, you four. I'll be on my way now," said Lucy as she hopped off the couch.

"You sure you don't wanna keep watching with us?" asked Luna as she stood up. "The more, the merrier!"

"Sorry, I want to put this into writing before I forget," said Lucy as she thought for a moment. "Though I do know one of our sisters who isn't occupied. If you want a fifth, I can get her on the way to my room."

"Sounds good!" said Lincoln with a thumbs up as Luna nodded before hopping back onto the couch. Lucy nodded as she made her way upstairs. Once she was out of sight, Lincoln turned to his siblings. "So who do you think Lucy's getting to join us?"

"Can't be Lori, Leni, or Luan," said Luna as she drummed her fingers on the arm of the couch. "They're all busy, you said so yourself."

"Lisa's probably doing some weird experiment, and there's no way we're letting Lily watch this," said Lynn.

"That leaves…" trailed Lana before her eyes became pinpricks. "Uh-oh."

"What's wrong?" asked Lincoln before the faint sound of a door opening could be heard.

"What do you want, Lucy?" came the loud voice of a certain pageant princess as Lana jumped off the couch and clutched her head, frantically looking around. Hops leaped out of her overalls and onto her shoulder as a lookout.

"Nonononono! Gotta hide, gotta hide!" she muttered as she ran back and forth in front of them.

"What's to be afraid of? You've gotten into scraps with her before and you were totally fine," said Lynn.

"And you've never acted like this before," added Lincoln.

"You didn't see her! She looked outright demonic!" Lana suddenly stopped and looked at the couch. "Aha!" She clambered under the couch, her hat falling off in the process. The long and sticky tongue of Hops shot out and grabbed the hat before pulling it under the couch, Indiana Jones style, just before footsteps could be heard coming down the stairs.

"Don't let her know I'm here!" whispered Lana from under the couch. As Lola walked into view, her older siblings flashed her smiles, strained to various degrees.

"Okay, Lucy told me you guys were watching some show, JoJo's Busy something or other," said Lola as she glanced at Dio's sinister smile on the TV.

"JoJo's Bizarre Adventure," corrected Luna.

"Yeah, that. So, being the generous soul that I am," said Lola with a curtsy, "I'm willing to take a bit of time out of my busy schedule and watch it with you."

"Sweet! Glad to have you on board!" said Lynn with a thumbs-up as Lola looked around.

"Funny, she said there were four of you."

"Uh, of course! Lucy's joining us, duh!" said Lincoln, a drop of sweat rolling down his temple.

"But she said she wouldn't be joining," said Lola, raising an eyebrow and crossing her arms.

"Without Edwin, of course! I mean, the show has vampires, why wouldn't she bring him?!" said Lincoln with his arms held out, his voice slightly higher as Lola narrowed her eyes and Luna and Lynn nodded nervously. This was going to be tricky. Lincoln had plenty of charisma, being known as the Master of Convincing, but he was just behind Lisa as the worst liar in the house. And Lola might be a first grader and a slow reader, but she was neither stupid nor gullible, and she had little patience for excuses. He had to be very careful if he wanted to-

"AH-CHOOOOO!"

Lincoln's face fell as his arms went slack, Lola looking down at the sneezing couch. "Dang it," muttered Lana as she crawled out, the dusty underside of the sofa being her undoing. How dare her beloved filth betray her! As she got halfway out, Hops on her shoulder still, they both turned to their left. They wished they hadn't as they saw Lola glaring down at them, tapping a finger on her crossed arm. Hops let out a terrified croak as he hopped under her hat, and Lana gave a strained smile. "Heyyyyy, Lols."

"Hello, Lana," said Lola with an even tone, which her siblings found just as scary as her worst tantrums.

"Look, I don't care how many times I have to say it!" cried Lana as she pulled herself out and stood up, brushing off the traitorous dust. "I'm really sorry about your tiara! I had this piece of popcorn stuck in my teeth ever since lunch, and it was really bugging me, and I was desperate, and-"

Lola put a gloved finger to her twin's mouth, shutting her up. She let out a deep sigh. "Look, Lans, I accept your apology. Yes, what you did to my precious tiara was a heinous thing that WILL NOT happen again," she said with a clenched fist, causing even Lynn to swallow in fear. "But I may have gone a TEENSY bit overboard. Trust me, after Lori was done grilling me, I released all my anger in a calm, dignified manner."

~LBR~

(An hour and a half ago)

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMPH!" shrieked Lola, her glass-shattering screams muffled by the pillow she had over her face. She was rolling back and forth on her bed, screaming bloody murder into her precious pillow.

~LBR~

"So, provided that this is not repeated," said Lola with a brief glare, "I'm willing to forgive you."

"Aw, thanks Lola!" said Lana as she hugged her sister, to her chagrin.

"You're clean, right?" asked Lola.

"Relatively," said Lana. This was good enough for Lola as she returned the hug, although she made a mental note to wash her dress extra well. As the twins broke up their hug, they both hopped onto the couch, Lola taking the other end of the couch.

"Before we start, you sure you can handle this?" asked Luna as Lincoln picked up the controller. "I dunno if Lucy told you, but this show ain't exactly kid-friendly."

"Psh, I watch Prison Pageants!" said Lola with a wave of her hand. "I can handle it!"

"If you say so," said Lincoln as they finally resumed the episode.

~PB~

"And now..." shouted Dio as he reared back his fist. Zeppeli grunted as he held out his other hand, attempting to block the punch. A negative color filter covered the screen as Dio's fist slowly made its way towards his target. "...time for the coup de grâce. This punch is going to shatter your arm and your skull like a windowpane!"

~LBR~

"Well, that didn't take long," said Lola. "And is the TV on the fritz? What was with the colors?"

"It's just a style thing," explained Lincoln. "We'll give you a recap after the episode is over."

"Okay, Linky," said Lola as she propped her arm on the armrest.

~PB~

Before Dio's fist could touch Zeppeli's palm as the color scheme returned to normal, the palm of Jonathan came between them, cushioning the blow. His theme swelled as the camera changed to show Jonathan, having jumped onto the ledge to provide support. Poco was dumbfounded as he stared at the stand-off. "Think again," said Jonathan. "I'm ending your reign of terror here and now!

"Damn!" hissed Dio under his breath.

~LBR~

"Let me guess, that one is JoJo?" asked Lola.

"Yep, he's the coolest," said Lana.

"He seems like an okay hero, and he knows how to make an entrance," said Lola. 'Maybe this won't be as boring as I thought.'

~PB~

"Your blood," said Jonathan, "I can feel the evil coursing through it."

"Stop it," said Dio with a chuckle, voice dripping with sarcasm. "You're going to set me all a tremble. Masterful block, by the by. For the moment, your mentor lives. I didn't think you had it in you."

"JoJo!" shouted Zeppeli as Jonathan turned to face his mentor. He suddenly nodded, understanding the plan.

"That said," added Dio, "if you keep cutting in like this…" The screen split diagonally, showing a glimpse of Dio's piercing gaze. "I'm liable to lose my temper."

~LBR~

"That doesn't sound good," said Luna. "Last time this dude lost his temper, he slammed a bottle of booze into a guy's face."

"Yeesh," flinched Lola. "And you say I have tantrums."

~PB~

"Baron, now!" shouted JoJo.

"JoJo, now!" shouted Zeppeli at the same time.

"It's useless!" roared Dio. As the two Hamon users channeled as much Hamon as they could through their arms, Dio simply froze his arm again, negating their combined move just as easily as Zeppeli's first attack. Some of the ice crept onto Jonathan's hand before shattering, taking a glove with it.

The camera suddenly began to spin around, constantly changing between Zeppeli, Jonathan, and Dio. As this was happening, the cloudy background slowly changed colors. "As you can see," said Dio, "by freezing my arm, your puny attack had nowhere to go. If you think Hamon will save you, you are sorely mistaken."

'His strength is like nothing I've ever witnessed,' thought Zeppeli as the spinning became faster. 'This fiend is our equal many times over. Wait, he's about to freeze JoJo's arm just like mine. Come what may, I can't let harm befall the lad!'

~LBR~

"Ugh, I'm getting dizzy watching this," said Lincoln.

"Weak," teased Lynn.

~PB~

Cuts began to form on Jonathan's hand just as Zeppeli went to kick Dio's arm away. Dio noticed the attack coming and scoffed before he jabbed the incoming leg with two fingers. The jab was strong enough to break Zeppeli's leg, blood spurting out as it bent the wrong way.

~LBR~

"Yeesh," shuddered Lynn as she clutched her own leg, the others flinching at the violent display. "Take it from somebody who's had a broken leg, it REALLY hurts."

~PB~

"Baron Zeppeli!" shouted Jonathan. Dio then pulled away his frozen fist from Jonathan's palm. Since the ice had stuck to the skin, this pulled some skin off and caused Jonathan's hand to bleed even more, although he was certainly better off than Zeppeli. Dio then threw Zeppeli and Jonathan off the rock and towards Speedwagon, causing Poco to slip off of Jonathan's back.

"Cor, this ain't happening!" shouted Speedwagon as he ran forward and held out his arms, catching Poco before he could hit the rocks.

~LBR~

"Okay, now Zeppeli needs to catch him, it's his turn next," said Lana.

~PB~

Speedwagon knelt down to set down Poco as Jonathan landed on his feet, hand having gone pale from the cold like Zeppeli. Suddenly Zeppeli fell into Speedwagon, causing him and Poco to brace themselves before they looked over the dapper mentor.

Jonathan suddenly flinched as he grabbed his wrist, staring at his frigid hand. "My hand's cold as ice. Every nerve is crying out in pain. The skin on my fingers is peeling. He removed the moisture."

"The baron's arm is in a pretty bad way," said Speedwagon as he lifted the arm in question, much to Zeppeli's severe discomfort. "Gangrene will take it if we don't get the blood flowin'."

~LBR~

"What with his veins bursting, if you do that, it'll flow," said Luna. "Just not in it."

"Yeah, Prison Pageants never had this," said Lola.

~PB~

"What do we do?" asked Jonathan as he clenched his injured hand into a fist. "Hamon's the only weapon in our arsenal. How do we stand against him?"

~LBR~

"So Hamon is that sparks they did?" asked Lola.

"Yeah," said Lana. "Basically, it's magic sunlight ripples."

"Ooooookay," said Lola, starting to have second thoughts.

~PB~

"So anemic, this parlor trick of yours," said Dio as he lifted his arms into the air, fingers bent as if he were controlling an invisible marionette. "You should save you breath." The rocks began to shake, small pieces of Dio's perch breaking off.

"Huh? Is it an earthquake?" wondered Speedwagon.

"You're going to need that air for all the screaming I have in store for you," said Dio as he lifted his left arm above his head. "Tarkus, Bruford, arise, and fight at my command!"

~LBR~

"And I think that's another two!" said Luna.

"What's she yelling about?" asked Lola.

"A bunch of the characters in this are named after music," said Lynn with a shrug. "Don't know why, but Luna sure is happy about it."

"Okay, so what are 'Tarkus' and 'Bruford' supposed to be?" asked Lola.

"Tarkus is an album by Emerson, Lake & Palmer," explained Luna, "and Bill Bruford is a famous drummer. He used to drum for Yes!"

"There's a band called Yes?" asked Lincoln. "Kind of a weird name. Sounds familiar, though…"

"It should, bro," said Luna with a smirk. "Let me give you a little hint." She then loudly cleared her throat. "I'll be the roundabout~."

"Ohhhhhhhhh," said her younger siblings in unison, save for the youngest of the five.

"Yeah, I don't follow," said Lola with a half-lidded stare.

"That's the song that plays at the end of every episode," said Lana.

"He also drummed for King Crimson, and I think a couple other bands," said Luna. Her explanation complete, Lincoln resumed the episode.

~PB~

"Let their cries of anguish resound so that all may know my glory!"

Sound effects flashed across the screen as the ground that Jonathan was kneeling on began to rise, kicking up a huge cloud of dust. Jonathan gasped as he looked down, his companions looking up at the rising Joestar. It was soon clear that something, or someone, had broken the ground that he was on and was lifting it into the air. As the dust cleared, two pale figures were visible under the platform. One had long hair and a gold diadem, and the other had a horned helmet and was about twice the size of his companion. He was also shown to be holding the massive stone platform with only his index finger. A red filter covered a still of Dio's latest minions.

~LBR~

"Whoa, these guys look tough!" said Lynn. "Especially that big guy! Oh, this is gonna be sweet!"

"Is he lifting that with one finger?!" said Luna in awe.

"Maybe he's gonna spin it like a basketball!" said Lynn.

"Wait, which one is he, Tarkus or Bruford?" wondered Lola.

"Dunno," said Lincoln. "They'll probably say which is which soon."

"I'm probably just gonna call them Big Guy and Hair Guy until then," said Lana.

~PB~

The color scheme returned to normal as Jonathan's allies stared at the new unfriendly faces. "Where'd he dig up these bruisers?" wondered Speedwagon. The two snarled with visible breath, revealing fangs.

"Poco, get to safety," ordered Jonathan. Poco nodded and ran away from the vampires.

A red image of a portrait of Queen Elizabeth appeared, Tarkus and Bruford in profile with blue filters over their bodies. "These are knights," explained Dio, "casualties of Queen Elizabeth's fatal machinations in the mid-1500s against Mary, Queen of Scotland."

~LBR~

"Ooh, royal drama!" said Lola as she leaned in. "Sounds juicy! I've gotta hear more about this!"

~PB~

"Heed me well," said Dio. "I find these humans vexing. I order you to destroy them. I care not how." The two vampiric knights narrowed their bright orange eyes as "Big Guy" pushed his finger up. The force of this simple action cracked the stone he was holding and shattered it, causing Jonathan to fall towards the two.

"Tell me I'm dreamin'," said Speedwagon in disbelief. "That big one broke the boulder with a single finger."

"Huh?" said Zeppeli as he leaned in. The dust from the broken boulder settled to the point that both knights were more visible. The tall one, in addition to his gray helmet with red horns, had gray and brown plate armor consisting of a chest plate and shoulder pads, bracers, leg plates, and a loincloth. The shorter one had long, curly black hair that reached his waist, along with his golden tiara and a scar over the bridge of his nose. He also had gray and brown armor with a loincloth, but his was more ornate, having a chest plate and shoulder pads decorated with straps with golden accessories. The chest plate had an ornate golden disk connected to one of the straps, and he wore bracers and ankle pads. Unlike his companion, he wore clothes under his armor, tattered blue pants and a shirt with sandals on his feet.

"They are waiting for JoJo," said Zeppeli in grim realization. "He's their main target." Jonathan managed to land on his feet, both knights turning to face him. The change in angle revealed that "Hair Guy" had a sword sheathed on his back. "He's a warrior, but he can't handle both of them."

~LBR~

"Not with that attitude!" said Lincoln.

"Yeah, he took down two guys at once before!" said Lana.

~PB~

"If only my blood would start moving a little bit," said Zeppeli as he stared at his numb arm.

"Then what, Baron?" asked Speedwagon.

"Then I could heal my arm a little with Hamon," explained Zeppeli. "How am I supposed to thaw this damnable thing in time?"

Speedwagon gasped as he turned to Jonathan staring down the undead knights.

~LBR~

"Man, I really feel for the guy," said Luna. "He really wants to help out his friend, but he knows that he can't fight opponents like that without Hamon."

"Nah, he's probably more like, 'You know, JoJo's got this,'" joked Lynn.

~PB~

Speedwagon turned back to Zeppeli. "If it's heat you need, Speedwagon's feeling right charitable this evening." He grabbed Zeppeli's frozen arm and lifted it to neck-level.

"What? So you have a plan, then?" asked Zeppeli.

Speedwagon just grunted as he lifted his shirt, exposing his muscular torso. He held the numb and bloody arm against his abs as bright blue kanji flashed across the screen. A loud sizzling sound could be heard as Speedwagon and Zeppeli glowed red, steam seeming to rise from the thawing arm.

~LBR~

The Louds stared slack-jawed at this scene, though they soon started chuckling. "Okay, it's probably just for show," said Lincoln. "But just imagine if his abs were actually red-hot! That's hilarious!"

"I've heard of abs you can grind meat on, but now you can cook meat on them too!" laughed Lynn.

"Yuck, who would eat a burger off somebody's sweaty stomach?" asked Lola, only for Lynn and Lana to raise their hands. The pageant princess's eyes narrowed. "I regret asking that."

~PB~

"In a pinch, I figure this'll do ya!" shouted Speedwagon dramatically.

"You selfless idiot," chastised Zeppeli, his arm slowly regaining blood flow courtesy of Speedwagon's shared body heat.

"I heard they treat frostbite in the arctic by cuttin' open a seal, and sticking the frozen hand or foot into the poor blighter," said Speedwagon.

~LBR~

"Well that's depressing," said Lana.

"At least he didn't have to cut himself open," said Luna. "Then again, the dude's rock hard abs would've broken a knife."

"Still cool that Speedwagon knew how to treat frostbite," said Lincoln. "Guess he's not so useless, huh?"

~PB~

As Speedwagon treated Zeppeli, the two vampire knights made their way towards Jonathan. "Big Guy" charged forward while "Hair Guy" leapt into the air, arcing towards the former nobleman.

"Zoom Punch!" shouted Jonathan as he extended a Hamon-filled arm towards the long-haired assailant.

"Aye, peasant, give me your blood!" shouted the undead knight. His long hair suddenly shot forward and entangled Jonathan's outstretched arms like tentacles. Jonathan gasped at his ensnared arm as the hairs dug into it. As soon as "Hair Guy" touched down on the ground, the hair started to pulse as it drained Jonathan's blood.

"His hair, he's using it to feed on me!" exclaimed a shocked Jonathan.

~LBR~

"What the heck? Is he using his hair to drink his blood? Is that normal for this?" asked Lola.

"No, the vampires in here usually use their fingers," said Lynn, causing Lola to double-take. "The hair is new."

"Guess I was right to call him Hair Guy," said Lana with a smile as she crossed her arms.

"Sure, Lans," said Lola.

"Wonder if he can taste stuff with his hair," thought Lynn aloud.

"That would make washing hair suck, dude," said Luna. "I've had shampoo get in my mouth before, and it does NOT taste as good as it smells."

"How did you get shampoo in your mouth?" asked Lincoln.

"Uh, just a freak accident," said Luna, though the others didn't buy it, the cause likely being one of her shower singing sessions.

~PB~

The scene cut back to Speedwagon and Zeppeli, the former grunting from the sheer cold of the latter's arm. "Speedwagon, you don't have to do this," said Zeppeli.

"With all due respect," said Speedwagon, "I'd be buggered before I let harm come to you or JoJo while I can lend a hand."

~LBR~

"Speedwagon for MVP," joked Lynn.

~PB~

Jonathan lifted his ensnared arm as the follicles continued leeching his blood. "They can drink my blood through this," said Jonathan, "then perhaps it will serve as a conduit for my Hamon as well!" Jonathan unclenched his fist and thrusted his arm forward. "Sunlight Yellow Overdrive!" A few weak sparks of Hamon surrounded his arm, but they fizzled out to Jonathan's surprise.

Jonathan's arm fell as he stared at it in a cold sweat, a dark filter covering the screen. "Nothing happened," he said as faint Hamon continued to dance along his hand. "Have I already lost too much vitality to make my Hamon effective?"

~LBR~

"Uh, Speedwagon, I think somebody else needs your abs," said Lincoln. "And fast."

~PB~

"I may have sold you short, amico," said Zeppeli as Speedwagon kept heating his frostbitten arm, the latter starting to twitch in discomfort. "I thought you would run when things got truly dire. Mi dispiace."

"Baron, if we live through this, you and me are right as rain," said Speedwagon.

The scene suddenly cut to "Big Guy" taking a step, the weight and force causing the ground beneath him to crumble like paper beneath his might. He slowly drew a large sword from a sheath, one as tall as his colleague, its silhouette dwarfing a trembling Jonathan. A blue filter covered Jonathan and a red filter covered the giant, who had raised his sword, one that became wider from the hilt before very slowly narrowing into a wide point.

~LBR~

"Holy cow, that thing's huge!" shouted Luna.

"Of course it is, look at the size of that brute!" said Lola. "A normal sword would be a butter knife to him!"

"And he can lift it with one hand," said Lincoln, his eyes like dinner plates.

~PB~

A red-filtered panel cut onto the screen, displaying a gasping Zeppeli. "I need to get my arm working! There's no way he can take them alone!"

The red cut frame was replaced by one with a purple filter and a petrified Speedwagon. "Eyeballin' that sword freezes me up worse than you just did! JoJo's well over six feet tall, but next to that thing, he might as well be Tom Thumb! Look at the face on that one," he said as a blue-filtered panel of the long haired knight flashed across the screen, only to be replaced by a panel displaying the fierce face of the tall one. "And that one! He's the bleedin' Minotaur!"

The scene changed to the panicked eyes of Speedwagon as he stared at the vampiric knights. "I can read people like a book, and these two are full of stories Speedwagon don't wanna hear, thank you kindly!"

~LBR~

All the Louds laughed at this line, despite the tense atmosphere. "Wouldn't be the worst vampire story," said Lincoln.

~PB~

"You should be honored to perish at the hands of these men, Tarkus and Bruford," said Dio. "Bow to my will, O warriors of yore."

The scene suddenly changed, displaying a pair of crossed swords with a coat of arms on either side; Queen Mary's on the left of the blades, and Queen Elizabeth's on the right. "In the mid-16th century," said the narrator, "two women waged war for the crown of England: the cunning Queen Elizabeth I, a Tudor, and the beautiful Mary Stuart, queen of Scots." A scroll opened up, briefly showing images of the queens as their names were said.

The image then changed to Tarkus and Bruford with different armor, revealing the larger one had red hair. They were standing back-to-back in front of a palace. "The most steadfast of her vassals were the great knights Tarkus and Bruford." The image in the scroll changed again to the knights bowing before Queen Mary. "They had lost their families. Without a purpose to center them, a Raison d'être, they were adrift."

~LBR~

"Guess they were both owners of a lonely heart," said Luna.

~PB~

"The dutiful man seeks respite, not in the vagaries of romance, but in something larger and ineffable. In Mary, they found just that. They swore to serve and honor the young queen, even at the cost of their own lives."

~LBR~

"Ah yes, every queen needs powerful knights to serve and protect her!" swooned Lola.

"So they used to be good guys before Dio brought them back," said Lana somberly. "That stinks."

~PB~

The music suddenly became sinister at this final sentence, despite being tranquil before. "But one day," continued the narrator as the image in the scroll changed to a destroyed building with a stone skull-shaped grotesque in the foreground, "Mary's husband, Lord Darnley, was found murdered. Seeing a chance to strike, Elizabeth blamed Mary for Darnley's death." The image changed to a castle tower during sunset. "The people turned against Mary. She was caught and imprisoned in a series of castles."

~LBR~

Lola gasped dramatically. "She did NOT!" she exclaimed as if she was watching a soap opera. "I had no idea that history could be so juicy! This just might be better than gossip on the playground! Well, maybe not."

"How do you keep one person in a series of castles?" wondered Lana as she scratched her head. "Are they inside each other like those weird egg dolls?"

"Maybe she's just in one of them, and the others have people to tell her would-be rescuers that she's in another castle," said Lincoln with a smirk.

~PB~

The image changed to a burning battlefield, dead soldiers strewn across the ground with a bull-shaped figurehead in the background among the flames. "Tarkus and Bruford fought like lions to free their queen. So fearsome were they, Elizabeth approached them with a bargain."

The scene changed once more, ditching the scroll for the regular animation, albeit with muted colors and a shaky resolution to mimic old-timey films. Queen Elizabeth I stood in her palace, looking down with a smug grin. "Surrender and bring an end to this bloodshed. Grant us but this one thing, and we will spare Mary's life," said the queen.

The scene cut to Tarkus and Bruford, overlays of the two appearing as they spoke. "If our lives can buy the Queen her freedom, I accept," said "Big Guy."

"I've no regrets," agreed "Hair Guy."

"They went to Elizabeth," said the narrator as the scene changed to sunset over a castle courtyard, "and sealed their fate." The two knights were shown kneeling and bound by chains, four hooded executioners wielding massive axes around them. The two grunted as they put their necks on indented stone slabs.

~LBR~

"How much longer is this flashback?" asked Lynn. "If I wanted to learn history, I'd be in school!"

~PB~

"You think you're so selfless, don't you?" mocked an executioner as he raised his ax over his head. "Well, you're losing your heads for nothing!" This caught the attention of the knights as their eyes widened. "Your precious Mary's already worm food."

~LBR~

The Louds were taken aback by this. "Whoa whoa whoa, what now?" asked Lynn, her interest regained in full.

~PB~

"Go ahead," continued the headsman. "Take a look over by that wall if you're having your doubts." Both Tarkus and Bruford turned to see a chain leading to a horrific sight. "Not so royal now, is she?" There, in a pool of blood, was the decapitated head of Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots. Her strongest and most loyal subjects gasped and trembled in shock before they let out blood curdling cries of anguish, the camera going up towards the skies as the very screen seemed to shake from the force of their shrieks.

~LBR~

"Why, that two-faced, no-good, stupid-haired excuse for a queen!" snarled Lola.

"Well, it's not like you haven't lied yourself," said Lincoln.

"Not over something like THIS!" shouted the pageant princess. "If I could, I'd give that witch a new meaning for 'royal pain!'" For extra measure, she pounded a fist into her palm.

"Yeah, think you're a couple…hundred years late on that," said Luna. She then turned to see Lynn sporting a somber look on her face. "Hey Lynn, you okay?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, fine," said Lynn.

"Yeah, this is pretty sad," said Lana.

"Not just that," said Lynn. "It feels kinda…weird. It's like, after seeing Dio and Jack the Ripper, I didn't think I'd ever feel bad for any of Dio's lackeys. And yet here we are."

"Hey, nothing wrong with showing a little empathy for the baddies," said Luna.

~PB~

"Elizabeth, you serpent!" shouted the taller knight, tears of sorrow and rage streaming down his bloodshot eyes as blood seeped from his mouth. "You played us false and murdered Mary anyway!"

"I die this day," muttered the long-haired knight, also crying with a scornful glare. "But my hatred for you and your wretched family will live forever!"

"CURSES ON YOU, QUEEN!" shouted the two in tandem just as the headsmen brought down their axes, the screen cutting to black. It then showed an empty courtyard, the stone mounts empty and bloody with bloody and broken axes littering the area.

~LBR~

"Well, that was sad," said Lana.

"At least we didn't see their deaths," said Lincoln. "I'll be having enough trouble sleeping tonight as is."

~PB~

"And thus they went to their end," said the narrator. "Legend has it that Tarkus's neck was stiff with fury, and the headsman broke many an ax before the task was finally done. For his part, Bruford's hair coiled around the executioner's feet, the peerless locks slicing the man's flesh."

~LBR~

"Ohhhhhh," said the five in realization, now able to identify "Big Guy" as Tarkus and "Hair Guy" as Bruford.

~PB~

The scene then cut back to the present, Dio smirking from his rocky perch. "The story of these brave knights' betrayal seems to have struck a chord with me," said Dio. "From the earth, I called them to wreak their vengeance all these centuries later. Such is the power at my command. In life, they were fearsome. In death, they are invincible!"

Red filtered images of Tarkus and Bruford appeared over the screen, the larger vampire growling. "We have sworn fealty to Lord Dio," said Tarkus.

"We have come to lay waste to this world," said Bruford. "It is a place without redemption."

~LBR~

"Well, it's not that bad," said Lincoln. "It's just that comic books haven't been invented yet."

"Yes, the true answer to world peace is buff guys in stupid costumes fighting each other," said Lynn as she rolled her eyes.

"Well, you watch professional wrestling, so you'd know all about that," said Lola with a smirk.

~PB~

"That hate they felt when they died," said Speedwagon as he looked at the undead soldiers, "it had three hundred years to ferment." Bruford and Tarkus snarled, opening their mouths wide and displaying their dagger-like fangs. "Dio has turned the flower of knighthood into vengeful monsters. Keep your wits about you, JoJo!"

~LBR~

"'Flower of knighthood?' Not the first word I'd use," said Luna. "Or the second… or in the top hundred…"

~PB~

Despite the ancient warriors staring him down, Jonathan didn't show any fear. He calmly exhaled, his breath visible in the chilling night. He raised his unbound fist into the air. "Hamon within me, come to my aid!" His hand crackled with Hamon as a flame-like red energy swirled into his fist, coating it like a raging blaze. He struck his entangled hand with the burning fist, filling both his arm and the hairs wrapped around it with a combo of intense heat and Hamon energy. "SCARLET OVERDRIVE!" he shouted as the flame-like Hamon expanded, crackling energy overflowing as the hairs, unable to withstand the ripple energy coursing through their undead cells, promptly exploded. Thanks to his Scarlet Overdrive, Jonathan's hand was free and thawed.

~LBR~

"So cool!" said Lincoln. "It's like he made Hamon fire or something! I bet Dio can't freeze that!"

"Yeah, be afraid of his ultimate technique of punching his hand," said Lola, although she was a little impressed.

"Hey, if a gentle touch can't cut it, sometimes you need a little percussive maintenance," said Lana.

~PB~

"Huh?" gasped Bruford, surprised that Jonathan was able to escape his snare, let alone destroy it.

"Look at that power!" shouted Zeppeli, who no longer had Speedwagon giving him body heat and was now flexing his thawed arm.

Speedwagon gasped as the screen cut to Jonathan in a fighting stance, Hamon covering his entire body. "He looks so calm, but I know they ain't far from his thoughts, all that he's lost and what he's rediscovered." Brief overlays of George and Erina appeared as Speedwagon spoke.

~LBR~

"Ooh, looks like JoJo's got someone special waiting for him," said Lola. "And pretty rich too, looking at that beautiful brooch."

"Well, her dad is a doctor," said Lincoln. "And JoJo's rich too. He even lived in a mansion."

"He's so lucky! That's just one step away from a palace!" Lola suddenly raised an eyebrow. "Wait, lived?"

"Yeah, it burned down," said Luna.

"What?! It must've been that Dio guy, the jerk! Can't let him have anything nice!"

"No, JoJo burned it down," said Lynn, causing Lola's eye to twitch.

"WHY?!"

"It was the only way he could think of to stop Dio!" said Lana. "The guy's a vampire, he can heal himself!"

"Well, he could've at least moved the fight to some dirty old shack or something!" huffed Lola as she crossed her arms. "What a doofus…"

~PB~

"Godspeed, you brave bastard," said Speedwagon as the camera moved to Tarkus and Bruford, the former turned so his back was facing Jonathan while he looked over his shoulder.

"Methinks this boy is a champion of his day," said Bruford, his long hair billowing in the wind. "He shall make the perfect target upon which to practice the art of war."

Jonathan moved into a fighting stance, only to be distracted by the sound of crumbling rock. He turned to see a red-eyed zombie with huge claws lunging towards him, screaming like a madman.

~LBR~

"AHHHHHHHH!" screamed Lola as she latched onto her equally freaked out twin, both trembling in fear as the older siblings leaned back in surprise from the jump scare.

~PB~

"This one's flesh belongs to me!" shrieked the zombie, drooling as it stared at a potential feast. "Oh yes, I can smell his delicious cartilage already."

"Another zombie?" said Jonathan in surprise. Before he could act, Bruford appeared behind the revenant in the blink of an eye. The zombie turned around to see who was approaching, neck bones cracking as Bruford lifted his finger to point at the interruption.

"He is our foe," spoke the undead knight. "Get thee gone from here, you glutton." He then swung at the zombie, tearing off its still-moving nose as a warning with only one finger.

~LBR~

"Yeesh, talk about taking 'got your nose' to the next level," said Luna as the twins separated, Lola brushing off her dress and fluffing her hair to try and spare her remaining dignity.

~PB~

The sheer force of Bruford tearing off its nose as if removing a bandage caused the zombie to recoil in pain, the vampire tossing the nose to the side with a carefree flick of the wrist.

'He moves with infernal speed,' thought Jonathan, trembling in shock.

Bruford turned and looked up at his master. "Milord Dio, in this young man, I do sense a great reservoir of spirit. I humbly petition you for the right to face him in sole combat and strike him down."

"As you will, then," said Dio.

~LBR~

"Well, guess now JoJo's got a better chance of coming out alive," said Lynn. "Still wish he could've taken them both on."

~PB~

Bruford turned to his companion. "Tarkus, this one here's mine." Tarkus, who was standing behind Jonathan with his sword raised, lowered his blade to the surprise of Jonathan. Jonathan didn't spend much time thinking this over, instead choosing to focus on his opponent.

"That's Bruford, the black knight," said Zeppeli as he pointed at the man in question. "He was known to be a flawless fighter, and he was utterly devoid of mercy."

The scene cut from Zeppeli and Speedwagon to Bruford, walking towards Jonathan as he was covered with a purple aura. "Just watching him put one foot in front of the other," said Speedwagon, "I can tell he's no one to tangle with."

"Back in my school days," said Jonathan, "we learned about this man, he and Tarkus. And now he returns from the dead to kill me?"

~LBR~

"That's kinda scary," said Lincoln. "Imagine if you were attacked by somebody you learned about in school!"

"Depends on the person," said Lynn. "I don't think being attacked by a vampire Ben Franklin could be scary."

~PB~

"Relax your muscles, JoJo," said Jonathan as the top of a nearby rock formation suddenly slid off and cracked in two on the ground. "Breathe steadily, no matter what!"

~LBR~

"Guess the cameraman got distracted for a second," joked Luna.

~PB~

Bruford's eyes, having turned blue due to a color shift, narrowed as the stone split. With a war cry, he leapt into the air towards his opponent, hair billowing in the wind as he held his hands behind his back. A sound effect flashed across the screen as Jonathan gasped, his hair and outfit having turned blue.

~LBR~

Lola opened her mouth, about to question the pose, when Lincoln spoke up. "Trust me, Lols, we're on episode five now and we still have no idea what the posing is about."

"At least they have flair," said Lola.

~PB~

'What's this?' thought Jonathan. 'He's got both hands behind his back. Bruford is giving nothing away. Which one is his sword arm?'

Unbeknownst to Jonathan, Bruford's hair was wrapping around the golden hilt of his sword. He unsheathed his blade and pointed its blade at a shocked Jonathan. "Neither," said the narrator. "His hair wields the blade."

~LBR~

"Huh, that's actually kinda cool!" said Lynn. "Imagine what I could do with my hair as a third arm! I'd be the best dribbler in the world!"

~PB~

"No," said Jonathan in disbelief, the sword approaching in slow motion. "But how—" He grunted as he leaned back to avoid the blade, falling backwards as Bruford's sword cut cleanly through a nearby rock formation. Jonathan bounced across the rocky terrain with painful thuds until he reached the edge of a cliff, slipping off it and falling out of sight.

~LBR~

"What a klutz," said Lana.

~PB~

"You've a keen eye, my boy," complimented Bruford as the boulder he cut slid in two and fell to the ground with a loud thud, no doubt crumbling into pieces. The sword held by his raven locks, however, was no worse for wear, not so much as a scratch on the blade. "My hair's Danse Macabre has claimed many. Have at thee!" He jumped into the air, intent on pursuing Jonathan. The Hamon user screamed as he fell down the cliff towards the lake below, the colt shift having turned the water a deep magenta.

"JoJo!" screamed Speedwagon as he fell towards the water. Bruford was falling behind him, holding his sword in his hand while seemingly having his feet on one of its edges.

~LBR~

"Yeah, gonna have to give JoJo a low score for form, and Bruford looks like he's gonna surf on his sword," said Lola, while the others leaned in, too engrossed in the fight to acknowledge Lola's comments or Bruford's… unique pose.

"Come on, JoJo, you can beat this creep!" said Lincoln.

~PB~

The two splashed into the lake, disappearing below the water's surface. A healed-up and periwinkle-coated Zeppeli ran to the shore with a purple-haired Speedwagon. "Oh no!" said a panicked Zeppeli. "He's at a serious disadvantage. No air to breathe means no Hamon."

"We have to help him," said Speedwagon as they both started to run closer, but they didn't get very far as Tarkus suddenly landed right behind them. The two stopped and gasped as they heard the heavy thud behind them, a small cloud of dust kicked up from the impact.

~LBR~

"'It's adult swim! Nobody under two hundred gets in the pool!'" joked Luna.

~PB~

"What? Now this brute?" asked Zeppeli as he and Speedwagon turned to face the gargantuan knight.

"Damn," muttered Speedwagon. "He needs us, and we can't lift a finger to save him."

From his perch, a crimson-haired Dio scoffed as he held a hand to his chin. 'JoJo's as good as dead,' he thought with an amused smirk. 'He can't touch Bruford underwater.'

~LBR~

The Louds gave varying looks of worry and confidence, with Lola wringing her hands. 'I can't believe it, but even though he's a cartoon, I'm worried about JoJo. Guess this show is a lot better than I thought it would be.'

~PB~

The camera suddenly zoomed closer to Dio. "I will go. Here, there is nothing left to see. And now, I will transform this sleepy village into a necropolis." The camera panned back as he lowered his arm and jumped off his perch, only to float away from it rather than fall. "The zombies I create will devour England like a plague, with the world soon to follow," he declared before vanishing into smoke.

~LBR~

"What the heck was that?!" shouted Lana. "He can fly now?"

"And teleport," said Lynn. "First the hypnosis, then the freezing, now this? What can't he do at this point?"

"Be a decent person?" suggested Lincoln.

~PB~

The scene changed to underwater, the color palette having returned to normal save for Jonathan's hair, appearing dark green underwater. Bruford smirked as he sheathed his sword, Jonathan staring back at him. The latter's eyes widened as he looked at his clenched teeth, small bubbles of precious air leaking out. 'I— I need to breathe,' he thought. 'I need to generate Hamon! Just a single breath.' His thoughts sounded more and more panicked as his face became tighter, every breath becoming more and more strained as his limited oxygen was slowly being depleted.

"Go, boy, and make for the surface if you can," spoke Bruford. "I suffer not for want of air, but my armor leaves me sorely encumbered under the water."

~LBR~

"Okay, I get that he doesn't have to breathe since he's a vampire, but there's no way that JoJo can hear what he's saying," said Luna.

"Maybe it's another vampire power," shrugged Lynn. "I'd buy it."

~PB~

"A duel between heroes," continued Bruford. "If you're lucky, you can beat me to the top."

Jonathan started to gag as he closed one eye and reached for his neck. "Come. You'll drown if you tarry," said Bruford. "Act, and quickly!"

~LBR~

"C'mon, JoJo," whispered Lana as she stared at the screen with wide eyes, Hops lifting her hat so he could get a better look.

~PB~

'Can I make it?' thought Jonathan. 'Or will I just get dragged down to my doom?' The two of them weren't too far from the surface, and Bruford was right about him drowning if he didn't act. But between the water dulling his fighting ability and his Hamon reserves almost empty from that last Overdrive, his doom was almost certain if Bruford managed to catch him.

'I get one chance,' he thought as he let go of his neck and closed his eyes tightly, more bubbles escaping from his mouth against his will. His eyes then shot open as a bolt of lightning appeared in the background, inspiration striking in a similar manner.

"As death readied himself for another victim," said the narrator, "JoJo felt a wellspring of resolve burst forth." The scene cut to the water's surface, moonlight shining through it. "His lungs screaming for breath, an ordinary man would mindlessly claw his way towards the surface, but JoJo knew better than that."

~LBR~

"That line suggests he's gonna do something really smart or really stupid, doesn't it?" asked Lola.

"Probably both," said Lana.

~PB~

Jonathan turned away from Bruford and stared at the bottom of the lake, eyes full of resolve as he started swimming down. "Instead he turned and swam down, deeper into the abyss!" finished the narrator.

~LBR~

"If he's going down, he probably shouldn't have his mouth open like that," said Lynn, pointing to Jonathan's open mouth.

~PB~

"He's mad," said Bruford in disbelief. "He's going deeper down!"

As Jonathan kept swimming towards the bottom, overlays of George's head and a younger Jonathan trying to pull a toy pistol from Danny's mouth appeared in front of him.

~LBR~

"Ooh, JoJo has a dog! And he's kinda cute!" said Lola as she put her hands on her cheeks.

"Had," said Lincoln solemnly, causing Lola's arms to limply fall to her sides and for her to turn to her brother, bottom lip quivering.

"Had? What…what happened?"

"Dio happened," said Lana bitterly, causing Lola to look down in sorrow. Lincoln gave Lana a soft pat on the back to cheer her up, then stretched his arm a bit to do the same to Lola. The girl in pink turned to her brother and gave him a soft smile, a sharp contrast to her usual award-winning grin.

"Thanks, Linky."

"Don't mention it."

~PB~

"What's this?" asked the image of George, both images being an old memory of Jonathan's. "Danny's grabbed hold of your toy pistol and won't give it back? You're trying to take it away from him. That's the reason. Change your strategy. Try giving it to him instead." Sure enough, when the flashback Jonathan let go of the toy pistol, Danny moved back and opened his mouth, letting it go.

~LBR~

"Oh yeah, I know that trick! It's super helpful for training animals when they get ahold of something they shouldn't!" said Lana.

"And it works for twins too," said Lola with a smirk, with Lana blowing a raspberry at her.

~PB~

The toy pistol spun towards the screen before it disappeared, transitioning to Jonathan nearing the bottom of the lake. 'Windknight's Lot, it's a coal-mining town,' thought Jonathan. 'That means collapsed tunnels and sunken earth.' Soon, he found exactly what he was looking for as a small stream of bubbles came out from the bottom of a large rock, a panel of Jonathan gasping showing up on the side of the screen. 'There!'

Jonathan swam towards the boulder, and once he reached it, he reached behind it and mustered his remaining strength, struggling to pull the heavy stone. In the corner of a screen, a sketch of air pocketed inside a series of rocks could be seen. 'If I'm right, there should be air trapped underneath these rocks.'

~LBR~

"The dude's pretty sharp!" said Luna. "I'd never have thought of that!"

"It's kinda like some of my games, where if you're underwater and you can't get to the surface to regain your air, you can get more by swimming into air bubbles!" said Lincoln, impressed by Jonathan's quick thinking.

~PB~

With one mighty tug, Jonathan pulled the boulder forward a small amount, enough for a large burst of air to rise from underground and start floating towards the surface. 'I found it!' thought Jonathan triumphantly. He stuck his head into the large bubble and took a much-needed breath. 'With just one breath, my blood is generating Hamon again.' As Bruford swam down to confront Jonathan, the former was covered in a bright blue glow as Hamon rippled through his body and the water around him.

~LBR~

"Oh, this is gonna be so cool!" said Lynn. "You guys saw what happened with Hamon in water! An Overdrive underwater is gonna be way stronger than all the other ones!"

"JoJo's about to send Bruford flying!" cheered Lincoln. "Go for it!"

~PB~

Bruford's eyes widened as he saw Jonathan able to create Hamon underwater. "That's impossible," he muttered as the scene cut to Jonathan, sound effects bursting around him as he channeled a powerful attack into his body with a mighty exhale.

'Prepare yourself, servant of evil,' he thought. 'The tables have turned.' He waved a glowing hand as he got into a stance. 'Down here, my Hamon will hit you all the harder!' He pulled back a fist, his Hamon swirling around it. 'Underwater… TURQUOISE BLUE OVERDRIVE!' Thrusting his fist forward for a powerful punch, the Hamon surged through his arm and into the water. The ripples sent a crackling shockwave speeding through the water like a torpedo, aimed directly at Bruford's face. Bruford could do nothing but open his mouth to cry out as the scene froze and turned monochrome. With the Turquoise Blue Overdrive mere inches from connecting, the "To Be Continued" arrow flashed across the screen.

~LBR~

"OH COME ON!" shouted Lynn, throwing her hands into the air and leaping out of her seat. "You're gonna end the episode there of all places?! At least let the hit connect instead of keeping the action from us!" She flopped back onto the couch lower than usual, crossing her arms in a huff. "I'm so peeved right now!"

"Hey, I'm just digging the music!" said Luna, head bobbing to Roundabout.

"So, what did you think of the episode, Lola?" asked Lincoln. "Pretty sweet, huh?"

"Mmm… yeah, I liked it," said Lola after a second of pondering. "The main hero is something of a gentleman, and I like the music. Besides, this little group of yours could use a little class. I'll stick around, Linky!"

"Glad to have you!" said Lana with a toothy grin.

"Though you do owe me an explanation. Like how they did that Hamon thing, and what the heck is with Dio?"

"Don't worry," said Lincoln as he paused the show before the ending finished. "This shouldn't take too long."

---

I'm back, baby! Sorry this chapter took so long! Thanks to college, I didn't have the time or the mindset to write until recently (The Stone Ocean reveal definitely helped the latter!), but I managed to get out episode 5. Also, Lola's here! While she's not one of my favorites, she's still a great character who I had a lot of fun writing scenes for, and I hope you all enjoy the fruits of my labor! Now onto the lone guest review!

Doobie: Thanks a lot! Yeah, I feel like I dipped a bit too much into the snark last time. Those lines can lead to some really funny moments, but due to how applicable they are, being able to fit any character saying them, I kinda used them as a crutch. I'll still be using those types of gags, but I'll be using them more sparingly compared to the other jokes, plus I'm trying to keep the balance between jokes and more serious reactions from the Louds.

See you next chapter, everybody! Starpion out!