A/N: Anyone feeling absolutely frustrated? I know I am. Maybe this will help, or... maybe not.
Highasakite – Uranium Heart
Lissie – Story Of My Life
Emilie Nicolas – Oh Love
"Did something sad happen?" Noah asked before putting the spoon full of ice cream in his mouth.
"What? Why?" She noticed the heightened pitch in her voice and cleared her throat as she placed the rest of the ice cream back in the freezer.
"Because you never let me have ice cream before dinner and on TV people always eat ice cream when they're sad."
"Oh, honey, no. It's not like that. I just..."
Wanted to give you a distraction before I turn your world upside down.
"Want to talk with you about something. Something very important."
"Did I do something wrong?"
"No, sweet boy." Olivia walked around the counter and put her hands on his cheeks. "You haven't done anything wrong." She smiled before she placed a kiss on the top of his head.
"Then what?"
The captain sat down on the chair next to his and took a deep breath.
She had broken her own promise to tell him when she had passed the twelve-week mark. Mostly because she had googled too much about pregnancy at her age and convinced herself that she could miscarry any moment.
But now she was more than four months along, seventeen weeks and two days to be exact. It was becoming more and more of a challenge to hide the bump that felt like it was growing by the minute. And not just at home. But for now, Amanda was still the only one who knew.
She had spent the last two months dreading this conversation more than anything because she had no idea how to tell him, what to leave out or how he would react.
"So… you know how Felix got a baby brother last year?"
"Mhm."
"Remember how exciting that was?"
Manipulating my own kid. I hope it works.
"Yeah, he was really happy about it."
"Mhm, he was. He talked about how he couldn't wait to show him all of his toys and teach him how to play with the iPad when he got older, right?"
"Yeah."
"So... Uhm, how would you feel if you got a baby brother or a baby sister?"
"But mom, you don't have a boyfriend."
Shit. That early and unplanned birds and bees conversation last year definitely backfired.
"That's true. But sometimes, people have babies without a girlfriend or a boyfriend."
"So you have a baby?"
"In my tummy, yes." Olivia said as she looked down and pointed to her stomach. She lifted her sweater a little and revealed the tank top she had under that stretched over the small bump.
"So I'm gonna be a big brother?" Noah asked with a smile, his eyes big with wonder as he looked at where her hand was now resting.
"Yeah." She grinned, mirroring his expression. "You are."
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
"Actually, it's so tiny right now that we don't know yet. But in a few weeks, the doctor can find out if you're getting a sister or a brother."
"I want a sister."
"Really?"
"Mhm, because girls like to dance so I can teach her."
Olivia felt herself getting choked up. She could definitely picture Noah teaching his little sister all of his dance moves.
"I'm sure she, or he, would love that." She placed her hand on his back and let it rest there for a moment.
Suddenly Noah's smile was gone and he kept moving his spoon around without lifting it up.
"What is it, honey?"
"I wasn't in your belly."
"No, sweet boy. But you know what? You were this magic gift that somehow I was lucky enough to get. How amazing is that? That I got to meet you. And I got to take you home. And I loved you from the moment I saw you."
"So you won't love the baby more than me?"
"Oh, honey, no. I won't. I will love you both just the same."
Noah nodded, looking slightly less worried but still with a confused look on his face. "But... who's the daddy?"
I guess this was unavoidable.
"Do you remember Ed? You know, from the pictures in Paris?"
"Yeah, he died, I remember because you cried in the bathroom."
Well, shit. You weren't supposed to hear that.
"I did. I was very sad when he died because he was a really good friend."
"So how can he be the dad when he died?"
Olivia felt a sudden need to laugh. Not because there was anything funny about this, but because his innocence was such a contrast to the not so innocent truth.
"Well... because... we made the baby before he died."
Please don't ask what happened, please don't ask wh-
"Maybe the baby is an angel?"
"Huh?" The immediate confusion made her furrow her eyebrows.
"When people die they go to heaven, right? But maybe you made an angel instead that lives in your belly?"
All the crazy hormones and now this? There's only so much your mom can take, Noah.
"Yeah, maybe it's a baby angel."
"I hope it doesn't have wings." He giggled before going back to finishing his ice cream.
"Me neither." Olivia said with her nose slightly scrunched and tears in her eyes.
When she walked into the squad room the next morning, she felt a little less on edge than she had in a long time. Still as nauseous as ever, but now it was solely because of the morning sickness that still came like clockwork and more or less stayed with her throughout the day.
Her lips curled into a smirk when she entered her office and saw the big plastic cup standing on her desk. A few weeks ago, she had mentioned to Amanda how she craved blueberries more than anything, and ever since the blonde had been bringing her blueberry muffins, blueberry scones, regular blueberries and this morning; a blueberry smoothie.
"You're gonna empty the girls' college fund if you keep spoiling me like this." She said when the detective came into her office holding a case file.
"Eh, Jesse announced last night that she plans to become a 'youtuber', so we're all set."
Olivia chuckled before taking another sip.
"I specifically said no bananas, I know they make you sick."
It was moments like this that made Olivia question everything about her decision not to talk to Amanda about how she felt. Those moments where the blonde made her feel like that. Cared for.
There had been many moments like that lately.
And every time, Olivia ended up trying to create some distance between them but always failing miserably.
"Thank you." The captain smiled before she cleared her throat, put on her glasses and grabbed the case file.
Back to business.
"What's up?" She asked as she opened the file.
"Khaldun called. Said they got a possible suspect in the Flushing Line case. Wondered if we wanted to take the lead in interrogation."
"Great, tell him to bring him in. You and Khaldun can do the interrogation."
"What about Kat?"
"She can watch, at least at first, you know, learn from the best."
She flashed Amanda a smile and immediately kicked herself for flirting like that. The constant push and pull was getting exhausting and she was already running on less energy than usual.
"Copy that captain." The detective said while returning the smile, making Olivia wonder if she was simply flattered by the compliment, picked up on the flirting, or, if she was excited about the prospect of getting to work with a certain sergeant again.
"They work really well together." Kat commented, standing next to the captain outside the interrogation room.
"Mhm." Olivia responded with her lips slightly pursed.
"Ever think about asking him to join the squad?"
She actually had, but knew that the process of getting the money needed to hire a new detective required a level of determination that she just couldn't muster up right now.
"Maybe in a couple of years."
Forty-five minutes later, she watched as the perp was guided out of the squad room, headed for the tombs where he belonged.
"Nice work." She nodded towards the duo that exited the interrogation room, looking rather pleased with themselves.
"Team effort." Khaldun grinned while looking at the blonde.
And as hard as she tried, Olivia failed to ignore how Amanda grinned as she looked back at him.
She likes him. He likes her.
Discretely, she eyed them both as he followed Amanda back to her desk, where he rested his hands while she sat down. He said something to her that made her laugh, and Olivia hated the rush of jealousy that made the never-ending nausea just a little worse.
But this is what I wanted, right? I wanted this kind of space. I wanted to get over her.
"You and Khaldun make a good team, Rollins." She said a couple of hours later when she walked over to the coffee machine where Amanda was busy filling a cup.
"Yeah, I like working with him."
"Just working?"
"I haven't slept with him if that's what you're asking."
"That's not-"
Before Olivia could start her apology speech about how it was really none of her business, the detective interrupted her. "He did ask me out, though. Today."
"He did? What... what did you say?"
"Told him I couldn't. I was gonna come over with all my books to keep you from googling yourself into madness, remember?"
"No, Amanda, seriously. Go on the date."
"But-"
"No, I'm not gonna have you put your life on hold just because I'm-", she looked around to check that the coast was clear, "pregnant."
"But the girls... I already told Sienna she didn't have to work because I was bringing them with me to your place."
"Bring the girls over and they can stay with me and Noah."
"Liv, three kids by yourself? I can't ask you to do that. I know how tired you are."
"Hey, I've been captain for a while now. I know how to handle a small kindergarten. And I'm pregnant, not sick."
Amanda opened her mouth to protest again but was quickly interrupted. "Call him and say yes."
After a back and forth discussion via text messages, they finally ended up on a compromise. Amanda would help get the kids to bed before going out on her date.
"When were you gonna meet him again?" Olivia asked after carefully closing the door to Noah's bedroom where all three kids were finally asleep.
"In an hour."
"Do you mind if I just take a quick shower while you're still here to watch them? It'll only take like ten minutes, max."
"Go ahead."
When eighteen minutes had passed and Olivia still hadn't returned to the living room, Amanda tiptoed towards the door and knocked carefully.
"Liv? Are you ok?"
When there was no answer, she bit down on her lip and grabbed the handle, hoping it wasn't locked. "I'm coming in."
The brunette was standing with her back turned, hands gripping the edge of the sink. Wearing only a silk robe that looked soaking wet, just like the rest of her.
"Liv?"
"Something's wrong."
"What? What's wrong? Are you in pain?" The detective's eyes instinctively moved down to the floor, praying she wouldn't find any blood there.
"No... But... Something feels weird. Like... I can't explain it. It's like a flutter but… weirder."
"Hey..." Amanda said with a gentle voice as she stepped a little closer.
She didn't know what made her do it, but she wrapped her arms around her, and placed her hands on the small bump, covered only by damp and thin fabric. She moved her hands around a little until… there.
"The baby is kicking, Liv. That's what you're feeling." She looked at the captain in the mirror and smiled softly. "Here." She grabbed Olivia's hand and placed it on the left side of her stomach.
"Oh." Olivia whispered.
"Yeah. Pretty wild, huh?"
"Is it supposed to feel so… weird, though?"
"You get used to it. Soon you'll be completely hooked, until it starts kicking your ribs or your bladder."
"But... I'm just seventeen weeks. Isn't that early?"
"I swear I could feel Billie at fifteen weeks. Everyone's different. And remember, this is a Tucker and Benson baby, he or she will probably be reading Miranda rights at three months."
Olivia snickered and felt herself calm down a little.
It felt oddly right to have Amanda standing just like that, touching her in such an intimate way, sharing such an intimate moment. She found herself hating the idea of the other woman going out on a date with someone that wasn't her. And she knew that if she didn't shut this down quickly she was bound to do something stupid.
"Amanda..."
"Hm?"
"I'm getting you wet. I mean, your clothes." Olivia cleared her throat. "Your clothes are getting wet."
"Oh, yeah, right, ok."
The detective moved her hand away and took a few steps back.
"Sorry for freaking out like that." The captain said as she turned around, clinging to the robe that suddenly felt all too revealing. "I don't know what's-"
"Hey, I was like that myself, especially with Jesse. People don't really talk that much about how terrifying it can be."
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you the way you're here for me now."
All though it helped a little that she was fully dressed and feeling a little less vulnerable, she still had a sickening feeling in her stomach when she watched Amanda leave. And this time she couldn't blame it on the morning sickness.
Olivia usually appreciated the quiet evenings after getting Noah to bed. It was like a small pocket of air, where no one needed her or expected anything from her. Tonight however, she didn't want to be alone at all, and slumping down on the couch to relax and unwind felt impossible.
She had folded a week's worth of laundry, cleaned her already clean bathroom and was currently keeping herself busy with cleaning the kitchen when the sound of keys being turned around made her flinch and turn around.
"Wh- What are you doing here? Did something happen?"
The detective didn't answer at first. Instead she walked right over to where Olivia was standing and placed a paper bag on the counter next to her.
"Do you know what that is?"
"If you're telling me it's a pregnancy test that date with Khaldun must've gone really well really fast." It was a poor attempt at a joke, only because Amanda was making her nervous with the way her blue eyes seemed to bore into hers.
"It's blueberry pie."
"Ok?"
"When we got to the restaurant, all I kept thinking was 'Liv would've loved this place'. And they were playing this old Norah Jones song that made me think of you. And when I opened the menu the first thing I noticed was the blueberry pie under desserts, so I thought 'I should get that and take it home with me so I can leave it on Liv's desk tomorrow."
"Amanda..."
"No, let me finish. Hasim is great. Probably close to perfect. He listens, he makes me laugh, he's charming, he's not freaked out about me having two girls. He's great. But I didn't want to go out with him."
"Then why-"
"Because you told me to. You basically pushed me into his arms. And all I kept thinking was how I just wanted to go home to you. And I... I can't do this anymore."
"Can't do what?"
"I can't... feel like this anymore!" The detective threw her arms out in frustration. "It's exhausting and terrifying, but you make it impossible not to lo-"
"Stop. Please, stop."
"Why? Because you don't feel the same way?"
"I..."
"Tell me. I can handle it. I've had nine years to prepare. But we… I can't keep doing this. Whatever this is. It's too confusing."
The admission felt like a slap in the face. Or being hit with a bucket of ice water.
She had felt this way for nine years.
"I'm your boss… And you're… my best friend." Olivia whispered the words before she broke down crying.
"You're my best friend and, yeah, I do feel the same way. But... we can't. I can't lose you. I couldn't... I don't know..."
This was not how she had pictured the night going at all, and now that she was forced to face the truth that had existed and lingered between them for such a long time, she had no idea how to deal with it.
"Ok, ok... come here." Amanda said before pulling her into her arms. "You're not gonna lose me."
The detective had one hand on her back and one hand in her hair, and she wondered how something could feel so right and so painful at the same time.
She knew what Olivia was trying to say because she shared the same fears and worries, and just the thought of losing Olivia as a friend was enough to rip her heart into a million pieces.
Still, she couldn't stop herself from leaning her cheek against the brunette's. And she couldn't stop herself from tilting her head, enough to make her lips brush against the tear soaked skin underneath. "I don't want to lose you either." She whispered as she moved her lips a little, closer and closer to where she desperately wanted them to be.
"Amanda... We can't."
"I know." But neither of them made any attempts to move away from each other. Her lips stayed just an inch from the corner of Olivia's mouth.
"It's... too complicated."
"I know."
"You're… too important." Olivia's voice was trembling, thick with emotion.
It would've been so easy to move, just a little. Align their lips and finally give in to what she really wanted, what she had secretly wanted for years.
"Just... for ten seconds, forget about everything. Ten seconds, that's all I'm asking for."
Olivia felt all of her defenses crumble by the sound of Amanda's pleading voice and from the feeling of having her mouth so close to her own.
Forget about everything for ten seconds. That sounds reasonable. We can do that. It doesn't have to mean any-
Her thoughts didn't get any further because Amanda's lips met hers, and a few seconds later her tongue was in her mouth. And then her arms were wrapped around her neck. And it absolutely wrecked her.
While breathing heavily through her nose and clenching her hands around Amanda's shirt, she realized that after years of longing and wondering, this felt exactly like she thought it would.
Her backside collided with the countertop and she heard herself groan against the other woman. There was just something about the way Amanda's lips seemed to fit perfectly against hers, how the blonde moved her tongue against hers. And as she grabbed Amanda by her hips and pressed them closer together, she couldn't help but think how ten seconds could so easily turn into minutes, hours, skin against skin. The thought alone was enough to make her knees buckle.
"Stop."
The simple word from Amanda felt like another slap in the face.
"I… I have to go." She said as she rested her forehead against Olivia's, tangled their hands together and let them hang down by their sides.
The captain kept her eyes closed while she nodded slowly. "This can't happen again."
"I know."
"This never happened."
"I know."
She leaned back slightly without untangling their hands.
"Listen... I'll come pick up the girls tomorrow morning and we can take the kids to the park? I don't want this... What happened to-"
"I get it. I agree."
It was a silent agreement to not avoid each other, let things get awkward and let this change anything between them.
But as Olivia watched Amanda leave and when her eyes landed on the paper bag still sitting on her kitchen counter, the only thought in her head was how the silent agreement was completely and utterly idiotic and pointless because in one moment of weakness they had allowed themselves to change absolutely everything.
A/N: Come on, ladies. Get your shit together.