When she stepped in the living empty room, Amanda realized she'd come back before Rick and the others returned from their venturing. Suppressing a sigh, she dropped the backpack in the corner where they'd left their bed rolls and the quilt between the couch and the new mini rocking crib with wheelers Rick had found for Judith in the daycare.
The mission—well, it'd gone better than she expected, she guessed. Aiden and his team: Nicholas, a man around their age everyone called by his surname - Richards, and Jeffrey. Nicholas and Aiden had an easy-going friendship that Aiden explained was because they'd been together almost since the beginning of the outbreak. Richards and Jeffrey, Aiden only mentioned they were their newest team members. His brows were clenched while the dark-haired man said the words, so Amanda didn't ask, but understood. The men were the newest additions because they'd lost people.
Things were a bit awkward at first, like Aiden had claimed, a bit too much testosterone, but in the end, they hadn't met any hostiles, put down a few rotters, and pulled down those ridiculously enormous signs at the roadside. Not bad for a single day. Perhaps it was just her and the tension she'd had before she left, but the men just seemed…too jovial for the job. They even tried to make a bet if Nicholas would make a headshot before Aiden put down the rotter that was coming at him.
"This is not a game," Amanda had told Aiden, and for a moment or so, the air between them stretched out as the former ROTC cadet's expression shifted, then a smirk curved his lips upward. He tipped his head at her, semi flirtatiously, and murmured a "yes, ma'am."
Amanda let it go. She didn't know how to describe it, but Aiden Monroe's boyish charm in a way was…she didn't know...relaxing? She wasn't looking attention or anything from the man, or from anyone else, but everything with Rick was overwhelming, was too much. In times like this, Amanda really missed things being simple.
Even when she only planned to sleep a few hours, they had just drifted off and slept a whole day, knocked out! They didn't look like they were able to do anything in the middle ground.
The tension in the air of the living room though was still palpable. Amanda wondered if something else had happened too after she left. Joan was glaring at the wall in front of her, sitting on the couch with her legs crisscrossed. In the room, there was only Carol, Sasha, and Joan now. Mika and Judith were on a blanket on the rugs, playing with the toys Rick had also brought from the daycare.
Amanda had never been that happy seeing baby toys and a mini crib. Amanda wondered if Judith had slept in the crib last night, but something was telling her the baby girl did not. Peeking inside the crib, after getting closer, she saw the blankets and quilts were unwrinkled. No. Judith had possibly slept with Carl last night.
She moved towards the kids, brushing her hand over Mika's head briefly before she sat beside them on the rugs. Holding a stuffed orange giraffe in her tiny fist, Judith started wobbling towards her on her hands and knees over a few open books and little toys from a play kitchen on the blanket. The stuffed animal seemed like had piqued her interest, and the books, too, as her other free hand patted them lightly as she crawled further, but she totally ignored the kitchen set. Amanda wasn't surprised. The poor thing had never seen toys like that before.
Amanda caught Judith as she curled up over her lap, her eyes flickering towards Mika, too. She wondered how the little girl was holding up. Mika definitely looked better now, especially after Carol had joined them, but she was still a ten-year-old who had witnessed a terrible, traumatic event. Mika had never really acknowledged the fact that her sister had shot herself in front of her.
Amanda let out a sigh, making a mental note to talk to Carol about it before she returned her attention to the women. "What happened?" she questioned, moving her eyes to Joan. "Why didn't you leave with Daryl and Rick?"
She'd thought Joan would still want to learn. But her dark curly haired friend just shook her head bitterly. "Couldn't—" she hissed.
Amanda shared a brief glance with Carol. "Deanna doesn't want her to leave the town," the older woman explained.
"What?" she cried out, but at same time recalled Rick's words. She doesn't let them out. She's got a priority list.
Amanda almost started laughing, almost. Of course, Joan had made onto her priority list, just like Beatrice. Beatrice was the owner of this place, so she had precedence, and Joan's medical background made her top priority.
Her bitter thoughts almost started again, but Amanda stopped them, seeing Joan's expression. Joan was pissed. All in honesty, despite the echoing bitterness inside her, if she was in her place, Amanda would've been, too.
Just like she'd been pissed at Rick this morning because she was his…priority.
Her hand stopped while she was taking the stuffed animal from her lap after Judith threw it at her face. It still sounded as weird as when Rick had told her covertly, but it was also true. She was Rick's priority. Because she was his family, too. Amanda, you don't have to do this if you don't want to.
She swallowed, giving the stuffed giraffe back to Judith. The truth was that she really didn't need to go out to make herself useful to keep around, much like Carl or Beth would need to prove themselves. If she just told Rick, she didn't want to...then Rick would it make possible, Amanda knew he would.
Was it possible to not like something but also find it…endearing, flattering at the same time? Because right now instead of getting annoyed like in the morning, Amanda felt a warmness spreading over her.
Emotions swelled in her chest further, and she barely held herself back from making a gagging sound. Her eyes scanned down on the blanket's pattern, toys, and children books, but not seeing anything. Amanda stayed like that for a few seconds before she heard Joan's angry mutter.
"I'm not going to stay in—" Amanda lifted her head. "I will not."
The way Joan uttered the last word made Amanda grow…testier. "Rick and I will talk to her—" she said, giving her friend a look. "You wait for us."
Joan nodded curtly, then left the room. She heard the door opening and knew the nurse went to the back deck. The back deck had become Joan and Daryl's…den since the time they'd settled in the house.
The speculations were turning in her mind, too, but it still wasn't Amanda's business.
Rick's group returned a half of an hour later, and Amanda felt another weight lifted off her chest. Being outside was dangerous, all the time. Though Carl and Beth seemed more settled after being allowed to go outside.
The thought gave her a little breath of relief, too, because she couldn't take any further drama right now. She only wished they would call it a night after dinner. It was getting late, the dusk of the upcoming evening creating a gloomy interior of the house. The shadows were lengthening, but no one tried to turn on the lights. Even with their newfound luxuries, the thought of spending an ample amount of supplies on such trivialities made them uncomfortable.
Carol with the younglings' help fixed a quick dinner from the supplies, and they ate silently, scattered in the living room and in the kitchen. They'd only turned on a few lights, so they had a gentle, flickering light, the blinds over the windows closed. It reminded Amanda a bit of the church, candlelight flickering, happy, easy chirps of chattering buzzing inside her ear…
She turned off the memory. There was no happy chirping rattling in her ears now—only a soft, whimpering silence, only disturbed by faint murmurs and Judith's baby noises. Rick was typically outside on the porch, leaving after dinner. Amanda suspected he wouldn't come back inside tonight after sleeping out the full night yesterday. Maybe shifting a turn for a couple of hours with Glenn—
The outdoor opened and a few seconds later, Rick came in. He was wearing his boots still. He stood in the living room and wandered his eyes around. They lingered on the devices they'd forgotten how to feel about having since the turn: the TV set in the room, the home theater set up around it, the speakers…
"We should settle in the houses—" Rick announced finally, his eyes turning to them. "Both houses. It's time."
Amanda let out a subsided sigh. It was time. They couldn't keep going on like this. "We got six separate bedrooms. We're nineteen." Rick continued. "We have to share."
Then the discussion started. They sent for Joan and Daryl, as they were still outside on the back deck. Three people per room. And one person left out. Daryl was the one who came with the solution.
"There's the garage—" he reminded them, shrugging. "I can get that. Don't wanna sleep inside a house, anyways."
Carol shook her head. "You don't need to—" she said in return. "There are dens."
"Nah, prefer outside—" Daryl countered, and they let it go, realizing the roughish man still wanted to have some kind of privacy from house sharing. Amanda almost claimed the second garage, almost.
"I take the den—" Glenn claimed the small room, slanted a look at Sasha and Bob and towards them—Rick and her. "If anyone would want to share the room together." Tactfully, he didn't name any couple.
"We stay together—" Abraham took it on his own. "Not going to leave Eugene with anyone else."
That sounded like a…triad, but Amanda couldn't really understand how their relationship worked. Eugene seemed to be…involved in some ways, but Amanda didn't know. Not that she had to. It wasn't her business either.
"We'd like to—" Sasha slowly declared, giving a hesitant look at them to see if anyone wanted to take the small room.
The priest spoke up. "I can. I saw the rooms, better than my office in the church."
The mention of the place made her stomach coil, her memories returning, but Amanda tried to control her feelings. There were still covert glances at them, but no one made a sound. Amanda caught Carl's look, too, but ignored it.
"I take Mika—" Carol was the next one. "We can have another one—" With a little bit of surprise, Amanda saw her turning to Joan. "Wanna be roommates with us?" she asked, smiling at the younger woman, holding Mika in front of her, her arms coiled around Mika's shoulders.
That was the kind, gentle smile Amanda had seen on the woman's face, the one that was as equally a poker face like Deanna's. Amanda knew why Carol wanted Joan close.
Daryl.
"We'll take one of the rooms at the other house—" Noah said, pointing to himself and the other young men they'd found at Terminus. Separating men and women, was what they were doing, Amanda understood covertly, giving each other much needed personal space.
Personal space. She glanced at Rick—who just chose the moment to glance back at her. The brief look exchange was caught by Carl then— "I'm with Beth—" Amanda announced the next second, keeping her voice clear.
She had to be with Beth.
Even the thought of sharing a room together with Rick didn't make her insides twist like hot coils, she still wouldn't have left Beth alone, to be with someone else. No. She had to be there for Beth. She'd promised. She had to take care for her, it was her job now.
That left Rick with Carl and Judith. Although no one said it out loud. The next they started moving out. They quickly spread to the houses after the sharing was settled, moving their personal belongings upstairs.
Riccardo, John, Noah, Gabriel all went to the other house. Abraham took the head of that house, tagging Rosita and Eugene, and taking the master bedroom, and Sasha and Bob went with them. Because the division had become quite apparent, too. Rick took the master bedroom with kids, as he was having Judith. He offered it to Carol and Joan first, but they'd refused, saying Judith needed her own bathroom more.
Amanda liked that and almost thanked Carol for her kindness. Beth and Amanda took the next room, and it was no surprise that it was beside the master bedroom. Again, no one said a word about it. Carol, Joan, and Mika took the other one, as Glenn left his stuff in the den on the first floor.
No more getaways for them anymore.
They cleared out the living room quickly after that. Carl and Beth gathered Judith's new stuff from daycare scattered around and tossed it in the mini crib as Amanda sorted out their mixed stuff inside the packs. Everything was mixed together, but they had so few things left out, they started moving a half an hour later. Rick brought the crib upstairs with Daryl, putting it inside the master bedroom. Rick placed it beside the bed.
Amanda gave half of a smile and passed her fingers over the padded edges. "She's gonna sleep in her own bed, huh?" she asked, looking at the small thing, her smile inching further.
The idea made her happy. A room to sleep in, a bathroom, a bed. She had toys now, books, paints, play dough, diapers, spare clothes, even talc powder. The things babies—children needed. Even Mika had toys, meant for older children. It wasn't enough, it never would be enough, but it was something, at least.
She raised her head and smiled at Rick. Carl was still downstairs with Beth, so she leaned a bit further towards him and touched at his right temple with her finger. "Thank you—" she murmured as her fingers brushed the end of his hair.
He didn't say anything, only leaned forward, dipping his head. His kiss was slow and gentle, his lips like a caress over hers as they traced to the edge of her mouth tenderly. Before Rick became more involved with the kiss, his hand finding his way over the back of her neck, pulling her closer, Amanda drew away an inch and looked at him.
"Deanna—" she announced lowly, clearing her throat. "We need to talk about her." Rick nodded. "What she did. Joan doesn't like it."
Another nod followed after that as Rick's expression turned stern, deadly serious. "I don't like it, either." he replied and stated after a pause, "I took the gun from outside today."
She knew what that meant. They needed to protect themselves. They should hope for the best, but plan for the worst. It was the way of their lives now.
"Come out to the porch in an hour—" Rick told her before he left the room.
Rick knew that, too.
When she came out to the porch after a quick shower, it was already nighttime, and the town had fallen into that eerie, peaceful silence once more. Rick and Daryl were staring outside from the porch's railings as Carol stood at the corner of the beams, watching them.
There was no one else. "This ain't good, man—" Daryl muttered, his tone still bearing anger boiling underneath. "When shit like first priority starts—other shit follows, too—" he bristled.
Who was disposable, and who was not. Which could be expendable for the greater good, what they could turn a blind eye to, how far.
Amanda had seen that story before. It didn't have a happy ending, and it was clear where people like her or Daryl stood on Deanna's totem pole.
"I buried a gun before we came—" Rick informed them quietly. "Took it today when we were out—" He glanced at Daryl, who shot a look at him. "But we need more. It's almost out of bullets, too. We need ammo." He paused. "We need to get into that armory. We gotta be prepared."
"For what?" Amanda asked, turning to him, even though she already knew.
The look Rick gave her back told the same story. "We're not losing this place," Rick replied firmly, returning his gaze outside. "Either we find a common ground, or else we take it," he stated straightforwardly, without mincing the words.
There was little to add after that, or little to discuss, so they all went inside again, apart from Daryl, who opted to move to the back deck once more.
Carol slipped up the staircase like a ghost even before they reached the bottom of the staircase. By the time they made it to the little hall on the second floor, Carol had disappeared into her own room on the other side. They slowly padded to the opposite direction. There was that apprehensive tension between them now straining in the silence. The short path to their rooms in the hallway felt like it was taking ages even though it was only about a dozen feet long.
Amanda stood in front of her door, next to the master bedroom, and glanced at Rick. The anxious feeling flooded her even worse as they looked at each other in silence.
"Uh—" She made a noise…and her glance turned to the door for a split second… "I haven't slept in an actual bed for years—" she muttered.
Rick gave her a little, tired smile. "Me neither."
She flicked her eyes at him again. "Feels weird, huh?"
Rick bobbed his head lowly. "Yeah…"
Amanda sighed. "Have a good night, Rick—" she opened the door and slipped inside before he could utter another word.
Inside, she closed the door and rested her back against it, her blood drumming inside her ears—her head buzzing—
Amanda stared at the bed—the empty bed…her eyes darted down, and she saw Beth curled up on the hardwood floor over the bedrolls.
# # #
At the foot of the bed, there was a pajama bottom. Carl was in the king size bed, nestled against his baby sister, his arm loosely over her small torso and holding her close as they slept together.
A smile broke over Rick's lips. He closed in on the bed and looked at his children—in each other's arms. He stayed there for a while, just watching them, listening to their breathing, a calm serenity filling him. No—he wouldn't lose this place. He could not. His family couldn't lose this. His mind twirled to Amanda on its own, and the craving in him was so strong, was so…powerful, he almost went outside and asked her to pass the night with them, with him again. He—he wanted her here.
He heaved out a deep breath and took the pajama bottoms Carl had left for him. Maybe one night—
I need time—
Taking a quick shower in the bathroom inside the room, Rick changed into the dark grey pajama bottoms and donned a clean basic white tee before walking to the bed in bare feet. It felt so weird, doing it after so many years of hardship, preparing for sleep in this fashion - taking a shower, brushing his teeth, wearing his pajamas, and walking to a bed, but Rick forced the thought away from him. Gently, so he wouldn't wake the kids, he took Judith and laid her in the mini crib.
Carl moved on the bed, his arm free, and rolled over to the opposite edge. Rick sat down and leaned back, crawling under the covers, but before he could rest his head on the pillow, Judith woke up.
Rick heaved a sigh. He sat up in the bed, turning on the lamp on the bed stand as Carl rolled on his side. As a soft gentle light filled in the room, Rick swung his legs over the edge, his feet touching the hardwood. He reached out and started rocking the crib, but seeing him in the dimly lit room, Judith just made more wheezing sounds. A second later, she raised her tiny arms for him to pick her up.
Rick didn't.
He knew they were going to have a hard time until Judith became habituated to sleep alone in her crib again, but this… No. He couldn't even put his head on the pillow.
As soon as Rick rocked the crib instead of picking her up, her arms stayed up in the air, and the soft, sobbing wheezes turned to loud whimpering then to full cries. Carl stirred and turned to him, his chest half drawn up from the bed, resting on his elbow. "Dad-?" he asked sleepily, looking at them. "Why are you making her cry?"
Rick shot a look at his son over his shoulder. "She needs to sleep in her bed."
"Well, she's crying, dad—" Carl pointed out.
Without answering his obvious deduction, Rick turned to the baby girl. "Judy—baby girl—you have to sleep there—" he told the crying baby, heaving out another sigh.
"Noo—" the baby girl wheezed out her first and seeming favorite word between her cries, "Nooo—"
"Dad, she's gonna wake up everyone!" Carl's tone hitched. "Pick her up!"
"No!" Rick answered in the same tone. "Go back to sleep."
"I can't sleep when she keeps wailing!"
Rick tossed another glance over his shoulder, his hand rocking the crib, Carl holding it as Judith cried more with her baby noos…the tension rising more and more together with the sounds…
The door cracked open in the heated moment. Their heads whipped towards it as Amanda, clad in a dark emerald silk dressing gown, slipped inside barefooted. Her eyes fell on them at the same time they started at her—Judith still crying in the background…
Her hair was loose, brushing over her shoulders, and she looked so good, so beautiful, Rick could still only stare at her before Amanda scooted to the crib.
# # #
Seeing Beth sleeping in that fashion on the hard floor felt like a polished sharp blade slipped in her chest. Her eyes hurt as she swallowed through her tight throat. She moved away from the door and started walking to the teenage girl slowly.
She knelt beside her on the floor and put her hand over Beth's shoulder gently. She wasn't sleeping, Amanda knew she wasn't, but Beth still didn't react.
"Beth—" Amanda called out. "Honey, please."
Beth didn't react. Amanda laid down behind her on the hardwood parquet and held her from behind, facing the bed. If she wasn't going to sleep on the bed, Amanda wasn't, either. "Go to bed—" Beth said as soon as she settled herself, her hand gently laying across the teenager's belly. "I know you still have muscle pain—" she continued. "Go sleep in the bed. I even found a chemise and dressing gown for you."
Her neck craned up and Amanda caught a glimpse of the dark emerald. "Hmm mm—" she said, dipping back. "If you come to bed, too."
"I'm fine here—"
"Then I'm fine here, too—" Amanda cut her off, nestling her head against the skinny shoulder.
"You're trying to play with my conscience—" Beth grumbled.
Amanda laughed softly. "Is it working?" she asked with a tone she hoped was innocent enough, still laughing.
In answer, Beth rewarded her with a small laugh. She raised up. "Okay, fine—" She stood up as Amanda raised on her elbow, too. "You won." The teenager looked down at her. "I guess I've still got a soft heart."
Amanda grinned, getting to her feet. "Of pure gold." She eyed the bed and the silken chemise and dressing gown and turned to Beth. "Are there more of them?" she asked.
Beth gave her a look. "The closet had a few, too. A few clothes and these. I guess she just left them." Amanda nodded, walking to the wardrobe. "Thought the emerald hue would go well with your eyes."
Sitting on the bed's edge, next to the lingerie, Amanda ran her fingers over the silk cloth, tracing the trimmed lace bust area. It was a delicate thing, elegant and sexy, something that didn't look like you should wear in the apocalypse. Her face settling, her mind made up, she lifted her head up.
"Come on—" she urged Beth forward with her hand. "Go find the one you like. We'll put them on, do our hair, and then sleep like this in the bed." She patted beside her hip, grinning.
The first time in their room, they were going to be pretty. Then sleep.
Beth tossed her a lopsided grin back. "I saw some makeup stuff in the drawers, too."
Amanda wondered to whom this room belonged to really, because it wasn't the master bedroom, but she wasn't going to question her luck. "Excellent."
She stood up, scooping up her treasures and went behind the dressing screen in the room as Beth started looking for herself. As she peeled off her clothes and underwear, she tried to recall the last time she had ever worn something that sexy. The silk chemise slipped over her body like a feather, and Amanda checked the tag and saw that it was one of those luxury high-end lingerie brands. Not that she was surprised. The quality and delicateness of the silk had already made her figure out.
She twisted her head and looked at the mirror at the other side, catching a glimpse of herself. The dark rich emerald was making a different hue with her fair complexion and her brown hair, the green of her eyes reflecting the soft light in the room as they turned a shade darker.
Amanda raised her hands and loosened her hair, too, pulling off her hair tie. She passed her hands through her hair, combing her locks with her fingers, flipping it for volume. She even tossed her head down and tousled the roots of her still wet hair.
Straightening up, she checked herself again—and for a moment wished…Rick could see her like this—see her…pretty like this.
She really looked pretty and really wished Rick could see it. Reaching out for the silken robe, Amanda put it on. Maybe later.
When…when things became…less than what they were. This was for Beth and her, girls having a good time together, like a sleepover. Dolling up, getting pretty just for the fun of it, something Amanda had never done before.
Tying the silk belt of the gown around her waist loosely, Amanda walked out from behind the screen. With each move, the dressing gown shifted against her legs smoothly as Amanda felt—felt…very womanly.
It was an odd feeling, something she didn't usually feel. Most of the time, Amanda didn't feel…feminine. There were times she used to party while dressing accordingly, but even then, she was always so curt, so blunt, so uptight, but perhaps she just should've worn more dressing gowns. The thought almost made her laugh. She'd never had any dressing gowns before, nor any lingerie of this kind. Her underwear was mostly practical stuff, sports bras and bikini briefs, even the lace bra she'd found on the run had felt different.
Catching up with her, Beth eyed her, her look measuring, then a kind smile broke out. "You look very beautiful, Amanda."
Amanda felt a blush warm her cheek at the compliment. "Thank you—" she said lowly. "It—it feels different—" she confessed. "But I like it."
Beth gave her another look. "Maggie used to have lingerie like this—" There was an expression in her face now, nostalgic and sorrowful, but not in anger, not of pain, or vacant emptiness. "She was hiding 'em in her room," Beth went on. "But I found 'em."
She padded towards the teenage girl and hugged her tightly. Wordlessly, they stayed in each other's embrace for a while, just hugging each other. Then Beth stepped out of her arms. "How about this?" Raising her arm, she showed Amanda another chemise of dark navy. There was some lacework around the deep neckline again, but other than it was as simple and delicate as hers.
"Very pretty—" Amanda told her, too, with a smile.
She turned and walked to the small vanity table in the room facing the bed. "Come here—" the girl called her, waving a hand.
Still smiling, Amanda went to her. She sat on the cushioned short stool in front of the vanity and looked up at Beth. The teenager opened the drawer, and Amanda caught a glimpse of a photo frame inside beside the makeup products. Both pretended the frame wasn't there. Perhaps—perhaps they should just return them to Deanna, clearing out the house, and Deanna could store them as keepsakes.
It felt wrong living in a house with those photo frames still here. Amanda decided to bring it up to someone tomorrow as Beth took a brush and started applying some shade of a soft warm brown in earth tones over the crease of Amanda's eyes.
The teenager blended the shade with a practiced ease that made Amanda a bit surprised. Beth set the brush down and took the eyeliner. "Close your eyes." The instruction came before she started drawing a line with the black liner.
"Do you know how to do this, right?" Amanda mouthed, careful not to mess up her work, her eyes tightly closed as she was ordered. Beth seemed to have practice, but it never hurt to ask.
"Hmm mm—" Beth answered. "Maggie and I used to paint each other a lot in summer breaks," she said with that tone again. "Open your eyes. Look—" She waved her hand in the mirror.
Amanda twisted aside and checked it. "It looks very nice, Beth," she said, turning to the girl again with a small smile.
Beth nodded.
She wasn't kidding. The warm light shade had made the green of her eyes more pronounced as the thin black line over the dip of her lashes popped them out. Beth took the mascara next, and started doing her lashes, turning her eyelashes sharper, blacker, and Amanda thought she really looked pretty now.
Beth whistled lowly. "Very nice, huh?"
Amanda nodded, this truly grinning. "Yeah." Beth lightly dabbed blush on her cheekbones with a puff brush. "Don't look so bad, huh?" she asked, turning to the mirror again. The makeup was barely there, but Amanda really felt like another woman.
"Hmm mm—" Beth hummed.
Amanda looked up at the girl once more, craning her head up. "Come on, let's do you too—"
She stood up. Sitting on the stool Amanda had evacuated, Beth gazed at her critically. "Do you know how?"
Amanda laughed softly. "Beth Greene, there was a time I used to be a party girl."
Beth gave her a skeptical look as Amanda picked up the blending brush. "You? Partying?" she asked with disbelief.
She let out another small laughter. "Yeah, I know. I got bored eventually. Too loud. Too crowded." Amanda tossed the teenager another grin. "Wanna a rave makeup—?"
Beth nodded eagerly.
Amanda rummaged through the products. "Well—" she said with a sigh. "I guess she was going for classics," she commented looking at high-end classic palettes. "No glitter or metallics. Gonna have to do it old school, I guess."
She found the darkest blue and purple and mixed it with a bit black until she reached the intense smoky dark tones she was looking for. She applied the shade over Beth's eyelids, not timidly. It was for fun, so she got…crazy, appropriately for a rave, and blended the dark shadow over up to her temples.
Putting the eyeshadow aside, Amanda took the eyeliner and made a full cat eyeliner with a long flicking end and put on a lot of mascara. She chose soft peaches for her cheekbones and, putting a dark red lipstick on the curve of her hand, she dabbed the red with a generous amount of dark navy and purple eyeshadow she'd used for the eyes until she had that glinting red-blue hue she aimed for.
Amanda took a step back, eyeing her handiwork, then leaning back down again, she dabbed the red-blue hue on her tear ducts before she took the eyeliner again. She started making a delicate hook under one of her eyes, drawing it up to her temple for the dramatic effect. Satisfied, Amanda stepped back once more and nodded.
"How is it?" she asked.
Beth twisted aside towards the mirror. "It's—different." The reply came together with a laugh.
"It's supposed to—" Amanda shot back. "Go change your clothes."
While Beth changed to her own lingerie, Amanda took off the long robe and pulled back the bed's covers. She slipped inside in her chemise and lay on her back on the clean sheets.
Amanda could feel the soft mattress under her, shifting together with her as she stirred. There were no roots poking at her, no uneven ground, no crunching foliage, and no hard floor biting. The pillow under her head was as soft as the mattress. She wondered if she could manage a wink of sleep tonight. It felt so different, so out of place for a moment, that she almost crawled down and lay on the hard floor like Beth had done.
She stared at the ceiling, feeling it coming down on her. Her breath started getting short. The bed, the softness, the silken touch of her lingerie as she moved over the sheet, they were all wrong—wrong—
She made a move, half jerked up out of the covers, but Beth just came out from behind the screen, looking at her with that look, all of that nostalgic easiness gone off her face. Amanda felt like she could cry.
Her eyes hurt, pricking. She drew back and rested herself against the headboard. Wordlessly, Beth walked to the bed and climbed on it. The teenager sat beside her in the bed in the same fashion, resting her back against the headboard, and looking all pretty in her dark blue lingerie with her rave makeup.
"We're not going to sleep tonight, are we?" Beth asked in a small voice.
Amanda shrugged. "I guess not. We—we need time," she repeated what she'd told Rick.
They stayed silent for a while before Beth stated in that same small voice. "You're gonna start teaching us again?"
"Hmm mm."
"I want to learn how to fight. Properly. Not only self-defense, but how to attack—" she stated, her tone heated. "Can we do it?"
Amanda turned and looked at the girl. She didn't know, but she was too tired to talk, right now. "I was thinking of a course," she replied. "We'll talk later."
Taking her cue, Beth slowly lowered herself in the bed as Amanda did also.
Beth twisted her head again on the pillow. "You really look pretty, Amanda—" the teenager told her, this time her voice almost sounding innocent. "Are you sure you don't want to go to the next room? I bet Carl is already asleep like a log." Amanda scoffed. "You can say you confused the rooms, returning from the bathroom. Oops."
This time she couldn't help it, she let out a soft giggle. "Guess I'm gonna pass tonight."
"It's Rick's loss."
Amanda laughed softly again before they fell into another silence. She slipped under the covers, staring at the ceiling, with Beth doing the same next to her. Getting hot, she yanked the quilt halfway down her breasts and draped her arm across her chest. She tried to remember how it felt sleeping with Rick on the couch, the weight of his hands on her, one hand gently rubbing her breast, the other just holding her, tucked inside her pants.
She stirred, remembering the feeling, a tug inside her pulling—the silken lingerie rose up over her hips as she wriggled. Amanda felt fresh soft sheets under her bare skin, the feel of wrongness finding her again. She shifted her legs. Grady's hospital beds were never like this. Their sheets were always starched and sturdy. She wondered if the others were sleeping or having it feel foreign like them—
In the silence, she heard something. Amanda perked up halfway from the pillow just like Beth, listening intently, then recognized what she'd heard: soft baby wheezes.
Judith was crying.
As she lay motionless, her stomach twisted.
Beth was silent beside her as they listened to the baby girl's soft cries until they started picking up. Judith was getting angry. Even from this room, Amanda could tell. Judith had a temper as worse as Rick, and when she got angry, she made sure everyone knew it.
"Amanda—" Beth called out.
She didn't answer.
"Amanda—" Beth tried again. "Won't you go?"
Staring at the ceiling, she shook her head. "No. Rick has it under control."
Beth scoffed. "It doesn't sound like it to me…" she muttered.
Amanda shook her head again. "I can't, Beth—"
"Why not?"
Amanda turned to look at the teenager, recognizing her own words. "It's—it's—"
"—is appropriate now," Beth sustained, making another reference to the prison.
But no. It still didn't work like that. "Carl—" she started, but her words hushed as Judith let out a wail, and Amanda heard faint voices from the other side of the wall closer to them—Rick and Carl. Heaving out a deep sign, she threw back the covers and took the dressing gown she'd dropped over the foot of the bed. She slipped inside it quickly and tied the belt over her waist before she left the room.
She tried not to think how she looked, wearing only a chemise under a dressing gown, her feet bare, her face still having makeup applied. With a shaking breath, silencing all of her raving thoughts, Amanda tried to steady herself and cracked the door open.
Despite all of her reservations, despite hearing Judith's cries and Rick and Carl's heating voices, it took a few seconds before she could gather enough courage to step inside.
When she did, she pushed the door closed behind her and stared at them—stared at the scene. Carl was half sat up in the bed, supporting his half-twisted torso on one elbow. Rick was rocking the crib on the opposite side of the bed, only clad in a pajama bottoms and a white basic tee, trying to soothe the baby girl—
They were both staring at her now as Amanda stood frozen in the doorway, looking at them wildly. She'd never seen Rick like this. She'd seen him in many different ways: bloodied, beaten, worn out, but never like this.
A second later, she noticed his feet were also bare. Their eyes moved and found each other, and they shared a brief look… Judith's cries were in her ears as Rick's glinting eyes honed in on her, so intimate, so intense, a tug in her chest, and a fluttering inside her core with each breath—
She felt light, a strong urge to run away rising up in her, but she was here now. She had come. Straightening her back, Amanda moved away from the door and scurried to Judith.