Wade Wilson knocked on the door. He was wearing his full getup, complete with red spandex and arsenal of weapons. He whistled to himself as he waited for the door to be answered. He looked over the rolling hills of County Mayo, Ireland as he did. A passerby paused to look at the strange sight.
"Nothing to see here," assured Wade, "Move along."
"Okay," said the passerby, continuing on his way.
"Well if you must know," sighed Wade in exasperation, "I'm putting together a team. We'll be like the Avengers, but instead of saving people, we'll kill people for money. I haven't come up with a name yet, but I'm thinking… Mercs for Money?"
Wade looked over. The passerby was gone.
"...bitch," whispered Wade.
Wade was telling the truth. He had started to run low on funds and one-man missions just weren't paying the bills anymore. Granted, by "bills" Wade was thinking of booze, weed, and porn, but he still wanted the extra funding.
That's why he had come all the way out to Ireland, to recruit one of the greatest mutant mercenaries of all time: Sean Cassidy. Sean Cassidy, known by many as Banshee, possessed an incredibly powerful voice that granted him immense power and flight. He was famous in the mercenary world.
This was his house, but he still hadn't answered. Wade decided he would count to 20. If he didn't answer by then, he'd leave.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5-
A red headed woman in a green turtleneck sweater, faded jeans, and brown boots answered the door. Wade hadn't been expecting this and found himself suddenly very turned on and flustered. He'd have to play this cool.
"Hi I'm Wade Wilson and I want to pay Sean Cassidy to kill people with me."
Nailed it.
"Wade Wilson?" asked the woman in her Irish accent, "As in Deadpool? The mercenary?"
"I see you've heard of me."
"I have, yeah."
"So is Sean Cassidy around or…"
"My dad is working with interpol these days," said the woman, "He won't be back for a while."
"Your dad!?" realized Wade, "You're Sean's daughter."
"Theresa Cassidy, in the flesh," she smiled, "You mentioned wanting to hire someone?"
"Well yes," said Wade, "but I was kind of hoping for a mutant or some-"
Theresa looked straight up into the sky and let out a wail. Wade had to cover his ears to protect them from the assault, but the sound still pounded the inside of his head with a high pitch screeching. Wade found himself getting dizzy. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to get hit by that directly.
"Holy hell," whispered Wade, "Yeah, you're hired!"
Theresa smiled.
Wade and Theresa got back into Wade's rental car. It was a small, frail looking European automobile that Wade didn't care for. The two drove their way down the road until they finally reached Galway, where Wade planned to take a plane from there back to the states. He had just had an idea for new recruits.
Knock-knock!
"Who's your friend?" asked Theresa, thumbing out the window.
Wade looked out her window.
"Oh poop," he muttered.
The car was currently stopped at a red light. Directly alongside their car was a woman on a motorcycle. Her helmet obscured her face, but she was wearing some sort of black tactical suit with a pink sash around the waist. Wade didn't know who this was, but he was certain that she'd be trouble. He was proven right when she raised her hand and formed a katana out of a solid pink light.
"Duck!" warned Wade.
Theresa ducked down, but Wade failed to follow his own advice. The assailant swung the katana horizontally. The weapon was sharp, strong, and long enough to cleave clean through the metal of the car. She sliced the entire top section off, taking Wade's torso with it. Wade's lower half was now all that was left in the driver's seat.
Theresa turned and saw Wade severed in half and, not knowing his powers, let out a horrified scream. The sonic blast created by the scream sent both the car and the motorcycle rolling away. The assailant and Theresa leapt away from the vehicles before they both crashed. Civilians had started fleeing by this point.
Wade's upper half crawled over to the wreckage. The biker rose to her feet, dissipating the pink hard light shield she had used to survive the jump off the motorcycle. She removed her helmet and tossed it aside, revealing an angry, dark-haired woman.
"Wilson!" she called out, "We have a score to settle!"
"Us!?" cried Wade's upper half, "I've never met you, lady!"
"You've met my brother."
"Who?"
"Captain Britain!"
"...who?"
"You humiliated him!" she yelled, "Ruined his reputation!"
"...I did?"
Wade couldn't quite remember that fight. It seemed so long ago.
"You debagged him on national television!" cried Betsy.
"That can't be true!" said Wade, "I don't even know what 'debagging' is!"
"You pulled his trousers down!"
"Oh!" recalled Wade, "The pantsing, I remember that! Yeah, I guess I did do that."
It was hilarious. Captain Britain was wearing union jack boxers and everything
"My name is Betsy Braddock," said the woman, "Some know me as Psylocke, but you will never have to call me anything again."
Psylocke manifested another katana out of pink light.
"Wait, wait, wait!" cried Wade, "You seem like a reasonable lady. What would you say to an offer? You're a mercenary, right? You want to get in on this score?"
"Why would I ever team up with a fool like you?" asked Psylocke.
"I will pay you."
"Lots of mercenaries pay their employees."
"I will pay you more than I pay myself."
"Keep talking," said Psylocke.
Wade knew his negotiation skills could use some work, but he couldn't afford to lose a mercenary this deadly. Having her around would mean more high-stakes missions, which made more money. Paying her so much would pay off in the long run.
"You'll get the largest cut of each payment," explained Wade, "and in return you kick ass with us! Sound good?"
"I want a 40% cut."
"Deal."
"And I want to stab you in the face."
"...fine," said Wade after a moment, "but just this once."
Wade heard the quiet echoing screech for a moment before it became a violent explosion of sound. Both Wade and Psylocke covered their ears. Psylocke threw up a barrier of pink light, easing up on the force. Theresa approached them moments later.
"Relax, you banshee!" yelled Wade angrily, "She's on our side now."
"My father is Banshee," said the Irishwoman, "Call me Siryn!"
"...sure," said Wade after a moment, "Hey, did you happen to see my legs?"
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" asked Theresa cautiously.
"The X-Men aren't notorious for working with mercenaries," added Betsy.
"Relax," dismissed Wade, "What's the worst that could happen?"
The clouds turned dark as a powerful wind whipped up. All three mercs prepared for a fight, but instead a bolt of lightning shot down from the sky and struck Wade directly. Wade screamed as his entire body convulsed for several seconds straight before he collapsed, smoldering in the mud.
"Intruders!" addressed Storm as she flew down from the clouds, "Why are you here!?"
Storm was quickly joined by her fellow X-Man Angel, both of whom were in their uniforms and staring down the trio from the sky.
"We just wanted to talk with the students!" said Theresa, "We're recruiting."
"This is a school!" roared Storm, punctuating it with a thunderclap, "Not a recruitment center for mercenaries."
"Oh come on," said Wade, "Everyone in that building is a grown-ass adult. Otherwise they wouldn't be in these kinds of fanfics, would they? AAAAAAHHHHHH!"
Another bolt of lightning had hit Wade, burning away chunks of his spandex and skin. Theresa cringed. It was a difficult sight to look at.
"Leave," ordered Storm, "at once!"
Theresa picked up Wade's body and carried him off with Betsy. Once they were a safe distance away, Storm and Angel returned to the mansion. Wade, now mostly recovered, addressed his team.
"They won't beat us that easily!" he declared, "They forgot about my teleportation harness!"
"Is that what you're wearing?" asked Besy, gesturing at the garish mechanical harness on Wade's chest.
"Yup!" he nodded, "Just you wait! I'll be right back with a whole batch of X-buns!"
"Don't phrase it like that."
"See you soon!" waved Wade, disappearing in a flash of red.
Wade reappeared in the branches of a tree. Confused, Wade flailed as he fell down, hitting just about every branch until the last one snagged his utility belt, catching him by the spandex pants. Once Wade got over the pain and indignancee of that, he looked around. The tree was on the X-Mansion property, but not anywhere near where he had tried to teleport.
Storm must have damaged the harness with her lightning, realized Wade, The precision is off. Let's try that again.
Wade blipped out of the tree in a bright red flash. He appeared again in a large, metal room. He was standing before almost a dozen young mutants in X-Student uniforms. This was perfect.
"Greetings, Junior X-Men," began Wade, "My name is Wade Wilson and I'm here to recruit you to my mercenary team."
The students didn't respond. They just looked around uncomfortable.
"We're called the Mercs for Money (trademark)," he continued, "and you may be asking: Mr. Wilson, why would I leave the swell X-Men to join a team of mercenaries?"
Still no response.
"Well I'll tell you!" declared Wade, "Come with me and you will see adventures beyond your wildest dreams! Action! Drama! Probably some sex! Stay here and have fun putzing around with the loser X-Men with their loser powers and their loser morals and their loser hair!"
The students continued to stare.
"...Wolverine is standing right behind me, isn't he?" asked Wade.
The students nodded.
Snikt!
Wade looked down at the three adamantium blades protruding through his chest.
"Well, fuck."
"Your turn," said Betsy, "Let's do Hungry Like the Wolfe: Hedy Wolfe, Patsy Walker, and Buzz Baxter."
"Hm…" considered Theresa, "I'd marry Hedy for sure. She has the most money. I guess I'd kill Buzz Baxter?"
"Delivery for the Mercs for Money!" called a woman.
Theresa and Betsy, who were relaxing on a park bench. A blonde woman with combat boots and studded belt was standing beside the bench with a large cardboard box in her arms. She heaveed it onto the ground in front of them. Betsy created a small knife from pink light and cut it open. Inside were Wade's many body parts, his head neatly placed on top.
"Come on," sighed Wade, "Not one of you screamed 'What's in the box!?' What a missed opportunity."
"He had a run-in with Wolverine," explained the woman.
"Ouch," said Theresa.
"What a waste of time," sighed Betsy.
"Maybe not," smiled the woman, "Before he got disassembled, you buddy here did have a chance to pitch your little operation. I'm in."
"Awesome!" cheered Wade's head from the box, "What's your name?"
"Tabitha Smith," she grinned confidently, forming a small ball of erratic energy in her hand, "but you can call me… Boom-Boom!"
"No."
"Absolutely not."
"You've just lost codename privileges, kid."
"Alright," announced Wade, banging a mallet down onto the card table, "Let the first meeting of the Mercs for Money begin!"
"Do we have to do it here?" asked Betsy in disgust.
The four of them had gathered in Wade's studio apartment, where Wade had set up a card table and had made four seats out of an ottoman, a folding chair, an end table, and stool that was higher than the table itself.
The apartment was a mess. Dirty socks and underwear were scattered everywhere along with used paper plates and solo cups among them. The place smelled of day-old Chinese food and the unmistakable odor of hastily applied air freshener.
"Hey!" said Wade, "Don't knock the Merc Cave! This is our headquarters now."
"Oh God."
"Anyway," continued Wade, "Let's commence! Behold! Our first job!"
Wade dramatically slammed a manilla folder down on the table. He paused for a moment. When no one took the folder, he opened it himself and started laying out the sheets inside on the table. They included photos of some sort of woman in all black with strange face paint.
"This is Mary Walker," he explained, "She's a high-end mercenary responsible for assassinations across North America. Goes by the codename Typhoid Mary."
"Typhoid Mary?" scoffed Betsy, "Seriously?"
"It's almost as bad as Boom-Boom," smirked Theresa.
"Shut up!"
"AS I WAS SAYING," continued Wade irritably, "She goes by the name Typhoid Mary. She has two specializations: murder and espionage. When she's not wearing the facepaint, she pretends to have a whole nother persona. She uses it to confuse and psych out her enemies."
"Wait," clarified Betsy, "You're saying she pretends to have dissociative identity disorder just to scare people?"
"Yup."
"What a bitch."
"Can't wait to kill her."
"Nope!" corrected Wade, "Client has requested that we capture her alive."
"Who's the client?" asked Theresa.
"The Roxxon Energy Corporation."
"Come on, Wade!"
"Seriously!?"
"They're, like, super evil, dude!"
"Okay, okay," said Wade, "Let's not blow this out of proportion. We're mercenaries. We're in this for money, right?"
"Right," sighed Tabitha.
"Plus," considered Betsy, "She is a threat to innocent people."
"Exactly!" exclaimed Wade, "So we're all in agreement. Let's catch Typhoid Mary!"
"Don't phrase it like that," sighed Betsy.
"So you're the ones who got the job..." mused a voice from the corner of the room.
They all looked over. She was a muscular woman dressed in all black with an afro. She had a tattoo of a diamond over her left eye. She had a confident smile on her face.
"Three questions," said Wade, "Who are you? How did you get here? And how drunk were you when you got that tattoo?"
"Call me Domino," said the woman, "The door was unlocked and none of you seemed to be paying attention, so I wandered in."
"That's not like me," said Betsy worriedly, "I'm getting sloppy."
"No you're not," said Domino, "It's my power. Things always seem to go my way. I'm coming along whether you want me to or not."
"I've heard enough out of you," said Tabitha, forming an energy ball as she stood angrily to face Domino, "You and your smug-"
BOOM!
The energy ball went off in Tabitha's hand, knocking her onto her back and completely flipping the card table. Everyone turned to look in concern to Tabitha, who was groaning in the corner of the room in singed clothes.
"That power I mentioned?" added Domino , "It's real. I'm a mutant. My mutant power is luck."
"...you're hired," said Wade, unwilling to test the powers any further.
"Good," smiled Domino, "Because this was supposed to be my hit."
"Well, you snooze you lose," shrugged Wade, "Guess you're just going to have to split the pay now."
"I have a feeling there'll be a rounding error in my favor."
"Look at us!" declared Wade, "An entire mercenary team composed entirely of mutants! We're so progressive!"
"...but you're not a mutant," commented Betsy, "You were artificially granted powers, right?"
"Eh," dismissed Wade.
"Wait a minute," said Theresa, "Have you been going around telling people you're a mutant?"
"Kinda."
"Wade!"
"Seriously!?"
"Not cool!"
"Okay, okay," said Wade, "An entire mercenary team composed entirely of mutants except for one mutate created through mutant experimentation. Better?"
"Much."
"Shut up," said Wade, "This is a great idea."
"None of us said otherwise," said Psylocke.
"Yeah, but you were thinking it!"
Wade, Domino, Psylocke, Tabitha, and Theresa were all standing in a window cleaning carriage halfway up the side of One Roxxon Plaza, the headquarters of the Roxxon Energy Corporation. They all were wearing navy blue jumpsuits and yellow hard hats, disguised as window cleaners. Wade kept his mask on, making his disguise quite unconvincing.
Mary was allegedly being paid by a rival company to assassinate a particular Roxxon executive. The assassination was to take place today, which is why the Mercs for Money had arrived to intercept Mary during her attempt.
"Weasel," said Wade into his walkie talkie, "Status report."
"No sign of anyone yet…" whispered Weasel back.
Wade had stationed his largely unwilling ally Weasel in the lobby of the building, where he was watching for anybody resembling Mary. Her typical assassination method was to enter the building under the guise of a cheerful, innocent young woman. Once she got close enough for the kill, she took them out. Wade was betting on her using that strategy today.
"What are we even supposed to do when she shows?" asked Tabitha.
"Didn't you read the email!?" yelled Wade.
Tabitha shrugged. Wade sighed.
"See that section of the building with no windows right there?" said Wade, pointing to the up at the location in question, "That's the building's elevator. When Mary arrives, Weasel will watch her get on the elevator and tell us as soon as she gets to the 42nd floor. That's where we are. Then I'll teleport right in and force her out onto the main floor. The rest of you will bust in through this window and we'll overwhelm her with sheer numbers!"
"Huh," said Theresa, "That's actually an impressive plan."
"Or at least an unnecessarily complex one," added Psylocke.
"Alright, Wade," said Weasel excitedly over the walkie talkie, "That's her. I'm sure of it. She's getting on the elevator now. I'll give you the signal when it reaches 42."
"Perfect," said Wade, preparing himself.
Then Wade froze.
"Oh no," he whispered.
"What!?" demanded Psylocke angrily.
"I… forgot my teleportation harness," admitted Wade quietly.
"WADE!" all four of the others screamed.
"Don't worry, I've got a backup plan!" assured Wade, grabbing his walkie talkie, "Weasel, keep watching the elevator. Let us know when it stops. We'll cut her off in the building."
"That should have been our plan to start with," said Domino.
"Yeah, well hindsight is 20/20," grumbled Wade.
"The floors stopped going up at 44 and now it's coming back down," reported Weasel, "I think that's where she got off."
"That's two stories up!" realized Theresa.
"Don't worry," said Wade, confidently approaching the pulley system, "We're in a window cleaning carriage, remember? I'll just… Get… Us… Up… ARGH!"
"Problem?" asked Domino.
"Pretty sure I knotted this thing earlier," admitted Wade, "I was so paranoid about falling that I-"
"We're running out of time, Wade!" shouted Psylocke.
"Right!" said Wade, "Plan C! Tabby-"
"It's Boom-Boom."
"Absolutely no the fuck it's not," insisted Wade, "How far can you throw those little bomb thingies of yours?"
"Pretty far," said Tabitha.
"Can you detonate them remotely?"
"Yup," smiled Tabitha, "Or by hitting them hard enough."
"Perfect," said Wade, "Blow open that window on the 44th floor. Then throw as many of those babies in there as you can muster!"
"Wade, I don't know-" began Theresa.
"I'm calling the shots!" insisted Wade, "We've got this! Ready, Tabby?"
"Sure am," grinned Tabitha, a handful of her bombs at the ready. She tossed the first one up and successfully detonated it, blowing open the window as planned.
"Bloody hell," muttered Psylocke to herself, "This might actually work."
"Now throw a ton of them in there," ordered Wade, "but don't detonate them yet."
Tabitha began throwing the small bombs one by one at the open window. Unfortunately this was a much harder throw to make. Most of the bombs failed to make it, falling back into the carriage with them and resting on the ground.
"Um…" muttered Theresa, "Should we be getting those out of here?"
"Wade!" yelled Psylocke, "This isn't working!"
"Alright, Plan D!" declared Wade, "Psylocke, cut this cord right here. The counterbalance system will cause the cable to get pulled up as the carriage falls down. We can ride that up to the 44th floor! This will definitely work; Cable has never let me down before!"
"Alright," ordered Psylocke, "everyone grab the cable!"
Everyone put one hand on the cable Wade had specified. Psylocke produced a small knife out of pink light and sliced the cable. Everyone tensed up in anticipation. Nothing happened. Everyone but Psylocke let go of the cable.
"Huh," said Wade, "I really thought that would-"
SNAP!
The carriage dipped down and to the side as a carabiner broke in half, shooting upward as the counterbalance of the carriage pulley pulled down on it. On the way up, it managed to hook the back of Theresa's jumpsuit. She was hoisted all the way up to the top of the building, shrieking the whole way. Window after window shattered from the sound, raining broken glass down below. It narrowly missed the Mercs and only thanks to Domino's powers.
Theresa reached the top of the building, where her suit got jammed up in the pulley as the cable itself was pulled completely through. Half of the carriage came detached completely. The cable in Psylocke's hand shot into the air, pulling her up along with it. Domino was able to grab the cable at the last second, Wade hugging onto her legs. Tabitha was less lucky.
The carriage spilled Tabitha and all of her bombs into the carriage two stories directly below them. Tabitha cried out in pain from the fall, then noticed all of her bombs reaching critical energy levels.
"No, no, no, no-" she prayed just before the bombs went off.
The explosion neither killed Tabitha nor sent her plummeting to the ground. It had, however, knocked her completely out cold as she lay there in the carriage.
Psylocke, Domino, and Wade all rode the cable up to the top of the building, where Theresa was still stuck butt-first in the pulley system. They all looked over as a large transport helicopter neared the top of the building. It looked like it was going to land there. Then the door to the interior of the building burst open.
"It's Mary!"
The woman who came through was tall and muscular, wearing a loose brown dress. Upon seeing the three mercenaries she immediately pulled a silenced pistol from under her dress and fired. Psylocke threw up a kinetic barrier that blocked the bullets.
Mary kicked off her shoes and made a beeline for the helicopter landing pad. The Mercs followed. Psylocke quickly gained the most ground, nearly catching up to the woman. Surprisingly, the woman ran directly onto the helipad, preventing the helicopter's landing. Psylocke caught up and struck Mary in the face with a kinetically enhanced punch, knocking her to the ground. The helicopter flew over and began to circle back around.
"Hell yeah!" cheered Wade.
When Mary looked back up from the ground, furious. The right side of her face that Psylocke had bunched looked different now. The foundation makeup that covered her face had smudged, revealing a white and black tattoo underneath. It covered half of her face.
"Quite contrary," noted Psylocke.
"Shut up!" hissed Mary.
Mary rolled away and leapt back from the helipad to the roof. Then she bolted for the side of the building. Psylocke pursued her as the helicopter returned and swooped down to the side of the building. Mary and the helicopter reached the edge of the building at about the same time, giving her the chance to leap into the helicopter. Psylocke arrived just as the helicopter began to turn away.
"Make the jump, Psylocke!" encouraged Wade, "You've got this!"
Psylocke made the leap. Then she wished she hadn't. The helicopter had moved just far enough away that she couldn't quite reach the door. Instead she fell and was saved only by the seat of her jumpsuit snagging onto the landing gear, leaving her dangling almost upside down from the helicopter as it flew away.
"Oh no," muttered Wade, "That's not good…"
Rip!
Psylocke looked up and found, to her horror, that the seam of her jumpsuit was starting to tear.
RRRIIIIPPP!
The butt of the jumpsuit tore open completely, detaching Psylocke from the helicopter and sending her plummeting to the streets below. She engulfed herself in a kinetic shield at the last second, cushioning her landing appropriately.
The shield dissipated as several onlookers snickered. Psylocke looked over her shoulder and turned bright red. There was a huge hole in the back of her jumpsuit, making her union jack boyshorts clearly visible to everyone around her. She frantically covered it with her hands and ran away, powering through the shame.
"Wow," noted Wade, "Like brother like sister. Do you think Steve Rogers wears boxers with stars and stripes on them?"
Domino stared blankly back at Wade.
"You're right," chuckled Wade, "Steve's a tighty whitey wearer if there ever was one."
Domino sighed.
"Hey guys?" asked Theresa, still jammed into the pulley system, "What happened to that executive Mary was after?"
"...shit."
"Okay," said Wade, "So technically speaking, that mission was a failure."
"Technically speaking?" asked Theresa.
"Mary killed the executive," said Domino plainly.
The room broke out into groans and frustrated yells. They were back in Wade's cramped studio apartment, gathered around the card table again. Weasel had joined them this time, nervously twirling his thumbs in the corner.
"Hey, hey, hey," assured Wade, "We still have the contract. Roxxon still wants her captured."
"Also the executive in question was responsible for countless instances of brutal labor abuse," added Domino for good measure.
"See?" said Wade, "If anything, our failure was a good thing."
"What are we supposed to do now?" asked Tabitha.
"I got a tip from an old contact," said Domino, "We know exactly when Mary will be catching her flight out of JFK tomorrow."
"That's lucky."
"But we can't have a repeat of last time," said Wade, "So we have to debrief that last mission."
"Good," said Betsy irritably.
"Betsy, Tabitha, Theresa," addresses Wade, "explain your failures. How did you all screw this up?"
"Excuse me?!" cried Betsy.
"What?" scoffed Wade, "Domino and I managed to avoid embarrassing ourselves."
"Every one of our 'failures' was a result of your orders!" yelled Betsy.
"A good craftsman never blames their tools," lectured Wade.
"YOU'RE THE CRAFTSMAN!" screamed Betsy, "YOU'RE THE ONE BLAMING HIS TOOLS!"
"I don't know," grumbled Tabitha, "I certainly think he's a tool."
"I don't want to hear any excuses," said Wade, "Domino managed to pull her weight just fine."
"I'm also the only one who never took a direct order from you," pointed out Domino.
"Yes, well," stammered Wade, "when you put it that way it does sound bad."
"Goodbye, Wade," said Betsy, pushing past him and out the door.
Theresa and Tabitha followed suit, leaving only Wade, Weasel, and Domino.
"Sour grapes, huh?" scoffed Wade.
"Wade," said Domino, "You're a terrible leader."
Domino walked out as well. Wade turned to Weasel.
"You going to abandon me too?"
"You said if I ever did you'd send my search history to my mom."
"Heh," recalled Wade fondly, "Yeah, I did."
"So what's the plan now?"
"I capture Mary when she arrives for her flight in JFK!"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Wade," sighed Weasel, "Even with a team of trained mercenaries, she kicked your ass."
"Those losers were just slowing me down," dismissed Wade.
"...you need a better plan."
Mary walked swiftly to her gate. She had made it past security successfully under the identity of Lyla Elizabeth. The job was done and the payment sent through. Now all she had to do was catch this flight to Milan and she'd be in the clear. This job had paid enough for her to live off for some time.
"Stop, sir!" called a security agent, "You can't-"
Mary spun around just as a red flash of light went off in front of the agent as Wade materialized in another red flash of light in front of Mary. So he had returned.
"Did you know your name is stupid and also your schtick is downright offensive!?" he cried.
Mary acted quickly. When Wade materialized, he had yet to draw any of his weapons. He seemed to be going in for a punch instead. Mary deftly grabbed one of Wade's pistols from its holster and fired into Wade's chest multiple times.
Wade fell onto his back as the civilians around them screamed and ran in all directions. Wade moaned in pain as his body regenerated the many bullet wounds. Mary smikred and fired another bullet into the center of the teleportation harness, deactivating it.
"Thanks to you, I have to fight my way out of here!" growled Mary, relieving Wade of his submachine guns as well.
She leapt over Wade's body and ran for the exit, but felt something grab her ankle. She turned around and realized that Wade was still moving, having grabbed onto her with all of his strength.
Mary let out a roar of irritation as she opened fire one of the machine guns into Wade's wrist, eventually blowing the entire hand off the arm and freeing her leg. Then he grabbed her leg with the other hand.
"Okay," snarled Mary, "Now you're starting to annoy me!"
Mary wound back and kicked him in the face with her boot, freeing her leg and sending Wade careening backwards. Mary knelt beside him, drew one of his knives, and stabbed him in the face with it. Wade let out a loud scream.
"Jesus, lady!?" he cried, "Overkill, much!?"
"Overkill isn't possible for you. Is it, Deadpool?"
"So you've heard of- GAKGARGLEBLAK"
She had stabbed him in the throat. This continued for some time, with Mary repeatedly cutting and shooting Wade painfully apart as his body slowly regenerated it. When Mary was satisfied, she stood straight up. She smirked at the sight of Wade writhing in pain as he recovered. She looked over to her left when she heard a sniffle. A pale boy was squatted against one of the pillars, filming them with his phone.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Mary, "And what was it you were just doing?"
"...live-streaming?" shrugged Weasel.
Mary pointed her gun at Weasel to kill him, but suddenly a small ball of energy struck the side of her hand. The next thing Mary knew, she was engulfed in a painful explosion that sent her flying backward. She groaned as she looked up to see four women staring her down.
"Nice shot, Tabby," said Domino.
"It's Boom-Boom."
"No, it isn't," said Theresa.
"Surprised to see us, Wade?" asked Psylocke, "Good thing your geeky buddy livestreamed your ass-kicking, or else we wouldn't have known to come."
"You're here…" muttered Wade weakly, his broken face slowly reforming, "...to save me?"
"Only if you agree to our terms," said Domino.
"Terms!?" cried Wade.
"We get the Mercs for Money back together," explained Theresa, "but with Domino as the leader."
"Are you kidding!?" yelled Wade, "Do you have any idea how emasculating that is!?"
"That's like half the point," said Domino.
"Alright, fine!" conceded Wade, "Just capture that lady before she stabs me in the face again!"
Mary had just gotten to her feet. She made a beeline for the easiest target: Weasel. The scrawny boy screamed as Mary charged at him with her knives out, the guns having been blown apart in the explosion.
"Siryn!" called Domino.
Siryn let out a concentrated blast of sonic energy from her mouth, blasting Mary away before she reached Weasel. The blow sent her flying across the terminal.
"Psylocke, take her out!" ordered Domino.
Psylocke sprinted after Mary, who had been knocked far away from any other people. She caught up quickly and formed a large mailed gauntlet around her fist before punching Mary in the side of the head, knocking her out cold. Then Psylocke paused for a moment. She grabbed Mary's jeans and pulled them down, exposing her black bikini briefs.
"Aw," frowned Psylocke at the underpants, "I was hoping for something funnier."
"How'd you net this place?" asked Wade as they walked into the office.
"I rented it," said Domino, "one of those black market evil lair dealers."
"Gotta love those," muttered Weasel.
"How much did it cost?" asked Betsy.
"Only a small percentage of the take."
"Ooh, the take!" squealed Wade, "What's our haul? What's my cut?"
"Your cut?" asked Domino glibly, "Oh, for your contribution? The part where you got half the team incapacitated?"
"Well…" grunted Wade, "I was the one who got us the job."
"Only because you got to them first," said Domino, "We're the ones who turned Mary over, so we didn't need you for that."
"Um…"
"Come on, Wade," said Weasel, "You'll get a cut next time!"
"I'll get a cut next time?" repeated Wade angrily, "You're telling me WEASEL got a cut and I didn't!? Argh! It's like Jessica Jones & Spider-Man: Just Let Him Have This, Damnit! all over again!"