AN: Two chapters in one week! This chapter just flew out. I would love some more reviews, if anyone is feeling generous!
Also, random chapter notes. I know everyone really hates on Jessica, but what Bella did to her in New Moon was beyond okay. Also, Anna Kendrick was literally the best part of the Twilight movies, so I have a soft spot for her.
It was a phone call that really changed my perspective - if not my entire life - in hindsight. If I had any foresight, I would have done so many things differently. As it stands, I didn't, so there's really no use dwelling.
The call currently in question was from Alice.
"I can't see everything, the dogs are mucking everything up." She whined.
"Alice." I chided. "I don't let them call you names."
"Fine. The research with your dad is going well. We know several of the newborns: Riley Byers, Bree Tanner, Dean Forester, Sara Hansen, and Heather Levi. We have a few other suspects that haven't been confirmed."
"How does this help us?" I asked.
"It gives us the upper hand. The more we understand about the newborns, the more leverage we have on them. Plus, without Edward, it helps us predict their moves."
"Okay." I knew I sounded bitter.
"Do you want to know?" She asked.
"Know?" I was buying time.
"Edward is somewhere in Spain. I can't tell where exactly. He's purposely changing his mind every few minutes so I never know what he'll do next or where he'll go. It gives me a headache to watch, so I only do it when necessary."
I remained perfectly still, not uttering a word.
"He doesn't know, of course, that your life is in danger. Otherwise he would be here, helping us."
"Alice," I said slowly. "You don't have to lie to me. Edward can do whatever he wants. He has no obligation to me."
"Obligation?" Alice repeated, dumbfounded. "It's more than an obligation! We are the reason your life is in danger. He's honor bound to your safety, the same as us."
"What if I think it's better he stays away?" I asked, my voice quiet through the phone.
"Is that what you want?"
"Yes. No." I groaned. "I don't know. I feel like I'm finally standing on my own two feet. Seeing Edward, I have a feeling it will set me back a few months."
"You're sure?" Alice demanded.
Was I? No. I should have been though. I thought of Jacob, my sweet Jacob. I thought of my father and friends who had to deal with zombie Bella. I thought of the wolf pack, defending me with their lives.
My resolve strengthened.
"Alice I can't go back to what I was when he left. I can't bear to have it happen again."
"Okay." Pause. "I'll tell Rose and Esme to stop looking."
I made a second phone call two minutes later. I knew I might be waking him, and I knew he needed sleep, but I had to hear his voice.
"Bells?" He asked. I smiled into the phone.
"I hope I didn't wake you." This was offered in the way of an apology.
"It's fine, honey." I could hear his smile. "I'm glad you called. I miss you."
"I miss you, too." I replied.
"Did you call just to hear my voice or did you have something you wanted to tell me?" He teased.
"Both."
He waited for me to speak, giving me time to find the words. "Jake. Can you just be my best friend for a minute?"
I could hear the sharp intake of his breath. "I'm always your best friend, Bella."
"I told Alice to ask Esme and Rosalie to stop looking for Edward. I told her that it was for the best if he didn't come back." My voice was clear and dry.
"That's great, Bella!" Jacob said.
I remained silent as I tried desperately to control my breathing. I tried to control the sob that threatened to leave my throat, but I knew I'd fail.
"I know it was the right decision. I know it was. But it was so hard."
A sob racked through me.
"Oh, Bells..." He sighed.
"And it's so fucking unfair of me to call you and cry to you. I don't want to keep hurting you. I don't want to be this person anymore, but I just need you to tell me that it's going to be okay."
"Oh, honey. You're not hurting me. You sent him away. Two months ago, you wouldn't have considered that. I'm so proud of you." Jake said.
"You are?" My voice was hoarse. I was still hiccupping.
"Yes, honey." He said softly.
He let me cry for a few more minutes, whispering assurances. I realized something in this moment. It was going to be okay. It hurt, sure, and it was hard to do, but it would be okay. I'd be okay.
And that was a first for me.
"Not that I need to tell you, baby," Jacob's husky voice came through the phone. He'd never called me baby before. I found that I rather liked it. "But it's going to be okay."
"I know it is, Jacob. I know it is."
"Hey," I said quietly, looking at the pretty brunette in front of me.
Jessica turned to peer at me with a cool look. "Hey yourself."
Calculus was going to start in a few minutes, so I knew I didn't have a lot of time. Even if Jessica didn't forgive me, I knew I owed her an apology. What had happened in Port Angeles was NOT okay. I put both of our lives at risk. I was allowed to gamble my life away, but her life was an entirely different matter.
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry." My voice was quiet.
"For?" Jessica demanded, her face an angry mask.
"For what happened in Port Angeles. It wasn't okay. I wasn't doing well, and I was being reckless. I put you in danger, and it wasn't fair. I just wanted to let you know that I'm getting help, and that I'm really sorry."
She stared at me, stunned. "And what about the other thing?" She demanded.
"The other thing?" I asked, completely taken off guard.
"Don't pretend you don't know." Her eyes were slits and she glared at me.
"I'm sorry. I'm really don't know..."
"Dating my ex!" She shouted. Several people in the row in front of us had turned to watch our fight.
"Dating your... Wait! You mean Mike? I'm not dating Mike!"
"That's not what he said." She snapped.
"I'm not dating him! I promise." Pause. "Jess, did he really tell you that we were dating?"
"He said that you were going to the movies with him. He said that Ben and Ang could go, but he didn't want any single people attending."
"That worm." I said, taking her by surprise. "Jess, I promise you, I am not, nor will I ever date Mike. I invited a different guy, Jake, to that movie, so I'm not really certain how he got the impression it was a date, especially because I specifically told him it wasn't."
"Oh." She said, nonplused.
"Look, I know I haven't been a very good friend, and I'm really sorry about that. I wish I'm sorry covered it, but I know that it doesn't. I know it can't go back the way it was before. But I wouldn't do that you. I hope you know that. Mike is 100% off limits."
I was laying it on thick, but Jess had a flare for the dramatics, and I had majorly messed up. I also had no intention of ever dating Mike, so it wasn't like I was saying something I had no intention of following through on.
She looked at me for a long moment. "You really scared me. Ang and I called, over and over again. We tried to get you to come out, to heal, to do anything. You just... acted like you didn't even see us."
"I don't think I did." I admitted. "I didn't handle the break up well, not that it's an excuse. I'm sorry that I... disappeared. I'm trying to come back, though."
The bell rang. Jess and I held eye contact for another few moments.
"You could have talked to us; we could have helped."
Mr. Alberts started speaking. Jess and I hadn't broken eye contact yet.
"I don't think you could have." She glared. "I just mean that you couldn't help me until I started helping myself."
She blinked, nodded, and turned her attention to the lecture in front of us.
I wasn't sure what to think.
Angela was unfailingly kind. Of all of my friends in Forks, it really was clear that she was the best of them. She didn't blink or make accusations when I asked her. She just smiled prettily and agreed without hesitating.
Which is how I found myself, sitting in my bedroom, studying with Angela on Friday night. We'd gone through several of our classes already quite easily.
"Okay, I officially don't want to study anymore." Angela announced. "It's Friday night! We shouldn't have to study on Fridays!"
I stiffened. I knew that I couldn't really leave. The pack was patrolling my house. It really wasn't fair to expect them to follow me all over town.
"What did you want to do? I'm not sure I can go out or anything..."
"Can we just watch movies?" She asked. "We can make popcorn and eat junk food."
Honestly, that sounded perfect. I quickly agreed and we brought blankets and pillows from my room to the family room.
It wasn't the kind of Friday night that most girls would call an ideal Friday night. But it was one of the best Friday nights I've had in a long time.
We talked and laughed. Angela asked about Jake and shared how scared she was to go to a different college then Ben. We watched the first two Pirates of the Caribbean movies.
Angela told me that Jessica was secretly impressed by my apology and my declaration that I wouldn't ever date Mike. She wasn't ready to forgive me, she'd certainly make me work for it, but a reconciliation was definitely in the future.
My dad got home halfway through the first movie. He stopped for a second, taking in the three empty bags of popcorn and two half eaten cartons of ice cream on the coffee table paired with the three blankets and eight pillows we had brought down, and smiled. He retreated upstairs with the words, "you girls have fun," as his parting gift.
Angela spent the night, promising to help me get ready for my date with Jake tomorrow. Unlike when Alice or Jess promised to help me get ready, I didn't dread Angela's help. I knew it wouldn't be her playing dress up Bella, but rather a friend helping me in an area where I normally failed miserably: looking good. She wouldn't push me to wear makeup or make me wear anything too revealing. She'd just be my friend.
It wasn't an exciting Friday night. It wasn't anything special or fancy. But it was fun. We talked. I felt like a real person, without needing to have Jake by my side.
It was only one night. It certainly didn't mean I was healed or fixed. Victoria was still hunting me. I still had loads of issues to sort out.
But it had been a perfect night, and I was in no place to be turn down a good thing.
Jake arrived at exactly 11:48 am. We agreed upon noon, but he was eager, a nervous smile gracing his lips.
Angela and I were upstairs when he knocked on the door. Charlie answered the door, and called up the stairs to signal his arrival. Angela and I were almost ready.
When I came downstairs, I didn't feel overdressed, uncomfortable, or not myself. I was wearing a light blue blouse with buttons on the front and jeans. My hair was down in its natural curls, which I knew Jacob liked. I had a little makeup on, but not much. I still looked and felt like myself.
"It's just a date, son." My father was saying to Jake. "You know I like you, but you should remember it's just a date."
The first thing I noticed was that Jake was wearing a shirt. A white button down. He was also wearing pants, khaki pants to be exact. He looked gorgeous.
"I know." He replied in an even tone, but his face softened when he saw me. He grinned nervously at me.
"Ready?" He asked, not taking his eyes off me to notice Angela.
"In just a moment. Let me just walk Ang out." He blinked as if noticing her for the first time. I made introductions and then walked her out.
I hugged Angela, telling her how grateful I was for her help and for last night. She smiled, saying we should make it a Friday night ritual. It felt right.
Jake still hadn't told me where we were going, but he confirmed that I needed a jacket. That wasn't necessarily super helpful in narrowing down what we were doing, but I'd find out soon enough, I suppose.
He drove the rabbit to pick me up and opened the car door for me. He was nervous, but if I was being honest, so was I. He smiled at me and the world faded away. I was still nervous, but it was, after all, just us, just Jake and Bella.
He drove to First Beach. He parked and came around to open the door for me. I didn't wait for him to open the door, but I took the arm he offered me with a smile. Jacob lead me down the Beach to a small pop up tent, which had been decorated with tea candles and sting lights. There was a picnic basket waiting for us.
It was both cheesy and romantic, which reflected Jake perfectly. He had laid out a checkered blanket - I recognized it as the one that normally hung from the couch in his living room. He took time and care in putting this picnic together, that much was evident.
"My mom made that blanket." Jacob said, surprising me.
"It's beautiful." I complimented, truly meaning it. It was checkered, but with intricate patterns embroidered on it.
"She made it for my sisters. The symbols are meant to bring luck. I never really believed in the symbols, but that was before I started howling at the moon."
I sat down on the blanket, stretching my legs and looked up at him. "You think you need luck tonight?" I asked with a grin.
I had been teasing, but he answered seriously. "I count myself lucky to just be here with you."
My heart skipped several beats. I remembered what Dr. Chiraz said earlier this week, "You'll never be seventeen and naïve again. You won't be the new girl in Forks or the girl who falls for the first boy who says pretty things to her." But Jacob's eyes were sincere and he was peering up at me like he wanted to give me the world.
I returned his gaze and I beat away the doubt. I had made the conscious decision to trust Jacob with my life, why couldn't I trust him with my heart? It was the last guarded piece of me. My self preservation didn't extend to my life, just my heart.
"It wasn't luck that got us here, Jake. It was you." I said the words softly. "And your unwavering faith."
Our eyes were still locked. I felt his pull, the one I'd always felt and ignored, grow impossibly stronger. It wouldn't be ignored anymore. It had grown to be a part of me, a part of us.
He grinned and kissed me softly. He pulled away, looking sheepish. "Emily helped me make our dinner. It's not much..."
He pulled out homemade deli sandwiches. They were on paper plates covered in foil.
"I know roast beef is your favorite." He said, handing me a warm soda and a sandwich.
"It's perfect, Jake." I sighed.
"I thought a lot about what we should do. At first I thought I wanted to take you to a fancy dinner, but you'd hate that - all the fuss. I had other ideas, which I'll save for future dates, but I wanted you to feel comfortable."
"I do, honey." I smiled.
He pointed to a piece of driftwood in front of us. "This is where I fell in love with you. Telling you scary stories. Right there. This is where we'd come to escape when our lives got too supernatural. This is where we belong together, where no one else can touch us."
I kissed him. It was slow and deep. I moved the sandwich from his lap, and I was replaced it with myself, straddling him. His hands came up to my hips and pulled me against him. My lips went to his neck, as I began unbuttoning his shirt.
"Bella." He said, grabbing my hands. I looked up at him, hurt cursing through my veins. "Embry and Quil are patrolling just outside of view. I couldn't risk Victoria sneaking up from the ocean to get to you. Especially when I knew that there was a chance I'd be distracted."
"Oh."
"And while I would gladly do this with you anywhere - including on a beach, in broad daylight, while my best friends are forced to be within hearing distance - I don't imagine you feel the same."
"I'm sorry." I whispered, embarrassed.
"Don't be." He said, picking up his sandwich and taking a bite. "I absolutely love it. We'll be alone soon, and then you can have your way with me." He waggled his eyebrows at me, causing me to laugh. I took a bite of my sandwich. It was unbelievably good, way better than a sandwich should be.
"You can't do that, then." I said, looking over my delicious sandwich, to stare at him.
"Do what?" He asked.
"Say things like that. You have to have noticed that your declarations of your feelings usually coincide with me 'jumping' you."
He grinned, completely smug. "So you've discovered my evil little plan?"
"Oh, so it's a plan, is it?" I asked.
"Of course." He smiled. "It's always in my plan to have you climb into my lap, kiss me, and attempt to undress me."
"Jake!" I blushed. If Quil and Embry were confused about what had happened before, they certainly weren't now. He grinned at me, completely unabashed.
"So that's your plan, is it?" I teased. "To get me into bed?"
"I can't say that I'm opposed to the idea. It sounds like a dream come true. Several, actually."
"Jake!"
"You're beautiful when you blush." Beat. His tone turned more serious. "But I meant every word. You know that, right?"
"About wanting to see my naked. Yes, I gathered." I grinned at him. "Of course I do, Jake."
He smiled at me, holding my gaze. He took my hand and rubbed his thumb against mine.
"This was perfect, you know that, Jake?"
"I do now."
Mood Diary
Wednesday: I met with you for the first time. I expected to hate it. I expected to never want to go back. I was pleasantly surprised. I expected to be told I was crazy, that Edward leaving me had turned me nutty. Instead, you listened, understood, and encouraged. I felt surprised and disbelieving. Perhaps I felt a little hope, but I'm not sure. I haven't hoped in so long.
Thursday: I told Alice to tell Edward not to come home. And I meant it. But I also didn't. And still, I meant it. I sobbed on the phone to Jacob, as guilt racked my soul for sobbing about him to Jake. He assured me and loved me, exactly as he's always done. I felt broken. The hole festered, but, perhaps for the first time, I realized it would heal. I sobbed, and it felt good to get it out of my system. Everything will be okay. I'll be okay. Somehow. Someday.
Friday: I spent the day with Angela. We watched movies and had a sleepover. I felt like a person for the first time. I felt alive. It was the first time I felt good, that I laughed, smiled, and joked without Jake.
Saturday: Jacob took me on our date. I thought a lot about what you said, about not falling for the first boy who says pretty words to me. I'm not sure if you meant Jake or not, but Jake isn't just pretty words. His actions, his sincerity, and his general sunny demeanor are the things I trust. It's not perfect, we don't always say the right thing. We argue. But he makes me feel more than I've ever felt before in my life. I think I'd like to be with Jacob. It scares me, but he's steady and warm.
I think I might be falling in love with him, though it completely took me by surprise. It didn't just hit me, like it did with Edward. I began falling for Jacob the day I brought the bikes to him. It was a slow, slow burn. It was the gentleness of his movements, the sound of his voice. The steady beat of his heart, as he held me when I cried. The way he called me, "Bells." It crept up on me without my knowing. It thawed the broken pieces of my frozen heart. His warmth melted me, brought me together. He helped me stand on my own, and allowed me the entirety of the credit. He clapped and sung his praises, proud of my progress, proud of me.
Yet still I wonder if it's enough. Still I am unsure if I'll ever love anyone as much as Edward. Still I'm still consumed with the one who left me, even as I am consumed by another.
I thought it was a cliché, the phrase, "You can love more than one person at a time." There's different variations of the phrase in literature, some insisting one love is greater than the other, some saying each love is different. The truth is grittier, dirtier. You can love two people, but the truth is those loves are constantly at war. You're constantly at war with yourself, juggling two different burning desires. There's always a choice that makes more sense, yet your heart clings to the other choice simply to defy all reason and logic.
I, of course, being the most ironic person in the world, have literally fallen for two polar opposites: fire and ice. If I chose to live, I give up the beautiful death I'd always imagined. If I cease to live, I give up everyone I love - far more people then I'd ever imaged it to be. If I give up Edward, I could live quite happily with Jake, though I'm still convinced I'll always feel the ache of his absence. If I gave up Jake and lived out my fantasy with Edward - if that were even possible - I'd never be warm again.
Which would be worse: the ache or the cold?
I probably wrote too much, but you asked me to say what I felt. It's not as simple as happy and sad. It's much more complex, much more confused, much more jumbled.