Hazy morning light poured in through your window. You blinked, and slowly began to open your eyes, but immediately snapped them back shut. Sharp pain ran through your head. Fuck. Your head was throbbing, and there was an empty nausea in your stomach. You could hurl. You groaned, and pulled your blanket back up over your head, enveloping yourself in the warm darkness, and curling into a fetal position. You'd gotten wasted again. Unbeknownst to anyone else, this was something that happened at about once a month. You'd never cared for alcohol as a Scout, but after your accident, it was just something that had happened. And you'd let it. You weren't proud of it, but it felt like the only way you could simply sit in your emotions, the self restraint you had when sober was difficult to overcome. Hange had caught you once, drunkenly stumbling back into the castle, bruised up from some bar fight you'd gotten yourself into...they'd been pretty pissed, understandably so. It was one of the few times you'd seen them truly angry with you. If they found out that this was something of a routine for you, they'd have your head on a stake.

You rubbed your eyes, and furrowed yourself deeper into your cozy sheets. What happened yesterday? You knit your brow, desperately trying to call upon the events of the previous night.

Okay first, I snuck out to the bar, some old pub near the canal, got that...next, I had a couple drinks... It wasn't enough to get me very drunk though...sat around...then someone started talking to me, that new barmaid they'd hired. She was pretty... blonde hair, pale green eyes. She was being really flirty too. I kept talking with her as I drank, and that's when I started feeling tipsy. Then she went on break… and then...

Your eyes flicked open. You'd definitely gotten intimate with her after that. Had you slept with her? You smacked your head in disbelief. No, no, you would've remembered, no matter how drunk you were. You'd come pretty close though. You rubbed your temples worriedly. You remembered how she'd softly sucked on the skin of your neck, as you fiddled with the laces of her corset, your free hand trailing up her leg, her soft breath in your ear… What's wrong with me ? You felt heat pouring into your face as the memories returned to you. But something had stopped you from going any further with her.

She wasn't Marla.

You rolled onto your back, and stared up at the ceiling. You let out a dark chuckle, as you brought your hands up to cover your eyes. You really were a scumbag. Was that your feeble attempt at some sort of replacement for what you could've had with her? You didn't want to think so, but plenty of other people had flirted with you while you were out, why did you never pursue any of them? Why is it the one time you gave into desire, it happened to be someone who resembled your dead best friend? You'd been able to stop yourself, but that was the bare minimum. At the very most, you weren't a total piece of shit. You squeezed your eyes shut. You didn't want to delve into the topic too deeply at that moment, so you continued with your recollection of the night. What happened after that?

Well. that was about as far as I got with her. After I had my moment of self realization, I started coming up with excuses to leave. She was pretty mad... I can't blame her. After that I went back into the tavern and had a few more shots… that's when I got really wasted. I decided it was time to get back to the castle. I walked back, it started to rain a bit...then I'd made it back...then I saw Levi.

…

Levi?

Your eyes snapped open and you shot up from your position on the bed, You were now sitting upright, eyes wild. You quietly swallowed. Instantaneously, the rest of the night came flooding back to you. Everything, from the way you'd spoken to him, to the way he'd practically had to drag you back to your room… you froze. And your eyes darted to the filthy chaos that you called your room. He'd seen your room.

"You smell really good. "

Your heart dropped to your stomach. You said that to him. That was something you said. To him. With your mouth. To his face. You plopped back onto your bed. Slowly, you reached a trembling hand over to your pillow, and shoved your face deeply into it, letting out a shriek of embarrassment and frustration. Your face felt like it was going to melt off. How could you have said that? He probably thought you were a total creep now, and could you blame him? If someone you hardly knew said that to you you'd submit for a restraining order. After you were done screaming, you gingerly placed your pillow back on the bed, and stood up.

You were supposed to see him later today for lessons, but you absolutely couldn't. You began pacing back and forth at the foot of your bed. You would apologize to him profusely tomorrow, but you needed at least a day of mental recuperation before you could even consider facing him. Immediately, your mind began racing through the varying excuses you could use to weasel your way out of it. Pretend to be sick? Say you had a meeting with Erwin? Say you were just too tired? Alternatively, you could just not show up at all, did you really owe him an explanation? Yes. You gnawed at your bottom lip pensively. Well, you would need to think about that later. Right now, you really needed to puke.

?Frantically, you hopped around your obstacle course of a floor and to the bathroom. You slammed the door open, dropped to your knees, hunched over the toilet bowl, and retched. After you were done, you took a deep breath. Another decision you immediately regretted, you gagged at the rancid scent of your own vomit. It was enough to make you puke again, which you easily did. Once it was really all out, you collapsed back down onto the cool tile floor. You closed your eyes, leaning your head back. Your head was still pulsing. Why do I do this to myself...? You thought, dejectedly. When you couldn't come up with a real answer, you decided you might as well take some time to get ready. You needed to do something to distract yourself. You pulled yourself up from the floor, and leaned down to flush the toilet. You mindlessly watched as what you had spewed spiraled down into the pipes. ? You sighed, relieved to be rid of the mess, and turned back to the mirror to get a good look at yourself. It was certainly a sight to behold. Sullen eyes, with harrowing eye bags underneath to compliment them. Your cheeks were puffy, it was something that happened when you drank. You reached up to gently massage the centers of your cheeks, a feeble attempt to relieve the inflammation. Your hair stuck up in every other direction, and you still had some drool dripping down your chin. How lovely, you thought, wiping it away with the back of your hand.

You decided a shower would serve you well. You began stripping away your clothes, the same black corset and cream white dress you'd been wearing at the bar the night before. Once you were undressed, you turned the shower faucet on. You crossed your arms over your chest, lightly hopping back and forth from your two feet as you waited for the water to heat up. You cautiously poked a finger in, for a feel of the temperature. Satisfied, you stepped in, letting out a blissful sigh as the warm water trickled down your body. So what's my day plan? You mused, grabbing the soap bar, and beginning to hastily scrub at every inch of your body. You wanted to avoid Levi at all costs, so what did that mean for you? You could probably stay holed up in the library. Unless he actively sought you out, which you highly doubted he would, you wouldn't face any issue. You began rinsing off your body, and moved on to your hair. You poured hair wash into your palm, and began massaging it into your scalp and roots. That sounds good, and even if I see him there, I'll just pretend I didn't notice him walking in and sneak out through the back room. You began rinsing yourself off, and gave yourself a hard nod, a weak attempt to give yourself some self assurance in your shotty plan. After you finished rinsing yourself off, you shut the water off, and reached a hand out of the shower, groping around for the towel you'd placed on the toilet. You wrung out your hair, wrapped yourself in your towel, and stepped out.

You pushed open the door, releasing the built up steam that had collected in the small room, and headed to your drawer for your undergarments. After you got them on, you headed over to your closet, and picked a nicer outfit than you normally might. When you felt shitty mentally, you tried to present yourself in the best way possible physically. You picked out a frilly, intricately stitched, cream colored top. It was a bit itchy, but you could bear with it for the day. Your eyes glazed over the various skirts you had hung up, and you settled on a ruffled red skirt with gold accents. After you were dressed, you moved back to the bathroom. You brushed your teeth, hair, and put on some makeup. Just a bit of powder for the eye bags, mascara, and blush. You observed yourself in your mirror. You actually looked good. You revelled in your beauty for longer than you usually might, doing a couple spins for the mirror. You gave your reflection an awkward smile. You were starting to feel a little better, the feeling of hopelessness was beginning to dwindle. I can do this. You took a deep breath, snatched your glasses from your desk, and left the room.

Sometimes, you liked to go to the kitchen and sneak some tea out, just as a small way to treat yourself. So that was exactly what you were gonna do. Did you deserve tea? Debatable, but maybe it would help your head. You walked through the halls of the castle, until you eventually found yourself at the kitchen door. You slowly opened it, and cautiously poked your head in, looking around the small room. It was empty, which was to be expected, meal preparation for the Scouts happened the night before, and the chefs usually didn't return until later in the afternoon.

You stepped in, and began preparing your tea. You opened the cupboard, faced with the same question that plagued you every time you did. Green or Black...today is a Green day. You hummed in agreement with yourself and pulled out the can, and placed the bag in your cup. You took a few laps around the room as you waited for the water in the kettle to come to a boil, then carefully poured it into the mug. Hot steam bellowed from it, fogging your glasses. You wiped your glasses off and left it to steep, You leaned against the counter while you waited, thinking about your next move. You'd realized that there was a minor risk of going to the library, although it was unlikely, if Furlan and Isabel visited you in there, there was a small chance Levi would accompany them. A small, but very real chance that you didn't want to take. So you decided you'd go to the castle garden and enjoy your tea there. You glanced over to your cup. It'd been less than a minute since it had begun to steep. Green tea should sit for three minutes...if you sprinted to the library to grab a book, and sprinted back, you should make it back just in time to pull the bag from the cup before it became bitter. With that, you bolted out of the room and began your mad dash to the library.

Thankfully, the halls were empty, so you didn't have to deal with the embarrassment of someone seeing you huffing and puffing as you made your way through the castle. When you arrived at the library's large wooden doors, you pushed them open, with a small grunt, and ran over to your desk. Your eyes frantically flicked back and forth over its messy contents, until they landed on what you were looking for. Ah, here it is. 'The Gentleman's Nursery'. You'd been wanting to reread the story for a while. The last time you'd tried, you'd quickly gotten interrupted. You snatched it off the desk and began heading back to leave. You opened the doors and did a check of both ends of the hall. When you turned your head to the left, you saw something that opened a pit in your stomach. Seriously? It was Levi. He stood at the entrance to the hall, hand still on the door, with that same indifferent look he usually wore. You stared at him with a dumb expression on your face, chest heaving up and down. Your mind was racing. What were the chances of this happening? Unless the Scout's schedule had drastically changed since you were discharged, he should've still been doing his morning warm-ups. You'd thought this through over and over again, the last thing you'd expected of him was to show up by himself. He took one step towards you. Without thinking, you immediately dashed over to the opposite door, leaving him behind you. I'm not running from him, I just need to get back to my tea before it gets bitter, you assured yourself, which wasn't entirely untrue. You shot him a quick look over your shoulder as you arrived at the door. Fuck. He hadn't moved, but now he looked annoyed. Actually, that was cutting it short, he looked pissed. Straight up pissed. You swallowed, still panting. Maybe a small explanation would alleviate the situation. Unfortunately, with how tired you were, and the fact that your brain was working at a mile a minute, the explanation you got out was less than ideal.

"Green tea gets bitter fast!" You blurted back, as you began shutting the doors behind you. As you did, you snuck one last look at his face. Still angry, but now with a hint of confusion in his expression.

You grimaced, but continued your sprint through the long hall, mentally kicking yourself for the shotty 'explanation' you'd provided. Soon enough, you'd made it back to the kitchen. You entered, and slumped back against the door, finally catching your breath. After you were done, you hurried over to the table, and carefully pulled the dripping tea bag from your cup, and tossed it in the trash. You took a sip. Still good. But the relief you got from that fact was short lived. You sighed. You set the tea down and held your head in your hands. You sat yourself on the stone floor. The consequences of your actions were beginning to take form in your mind. If you were speaking in terms of a scale from one to ten, the situation before was a seven. It was absolutely humiliating what happened the night before… but it happened. At the most, he thought less of you. You didn't like the idea of it, but it's not like you two were amazingly close to begin with, so you could handle it in the long run, and you still had your pride. But now, it was a ten. Not only he had to drag you home, drunk, in the dead of the night, and power through your drunken rambling, but now, the following morning, instead of thanking him, you'd run away from him, like a child. You groaned. My tea could've waited, you thought glumly, as you furrowed your head into your arms. How was it that every time, without fail, you managed to dig yourself into an even deeper hole than before? You had to fix this somehow, the original plan of just avoiding him all day wouldn't do anymore. You had to reach out and properly apologize, and preferably soon, before it became an irreparable mistake. You reached into your pocket, and pulled out your stopwatch. It was nine nineteen.

The Scouts training would end around six, then they'd head back to their barracks for the night. You'd go out and find him then. You reached up to massage your temples. I can fix this. You found reassurance in the fact that you'd formulated a plan again. And even if he was still upset with you after, it would be out of your hands, and that would be okay. Although, the nagging feeling in your chest when you thought of it as an outcome made you queasy. Perhaps you were fonder of him than you'd thought. You took a deep breath, and hoisted yourself up from the floor. You had nine hours until you were to apologize to Levi, so you might as well continue with your initial plan. You picked up your tea from the table, and began the walk to the garden.

After the hectic morning, this was exactly what you needed. It had warmed up substantially from the morning, and the once dreary sky was replaced by a piercing blue one. Your eyes lazily followed the slow movement of the clouds. They looked like the innards of a freshly baked loaf of bread, spilling out of it's cracking crust. Fluffy...Those are...Cumulus clouds, you concluded. There was a light breeze, carrying the scent of moist dirt from the downpour the night previous. You pulled out your blue ribbon bookmark, placed it on your page, and closed the book gently.

You'd been here for several hours now. You pulled out your stopwatch again, it read twelve o three. You plopped into the soft grass, closing your eyes, to bask in the warm afternoon sun. You began to lift your knee up, but as you began to move it, a sharp pain ran up your inner thigh, and you let out a small yelp of pain. You grimaced. Had you pulled a muscle? All the running from earlier had made you more sore than you'd expected. It was time to face a fact that you'd been ignoring, you were getting weak. It made sense, the shift from vigorous training everyday, to the stagnant life of a librarian, it would have been outrageous to expect otherwise, but you hadn't wanted to admit it. You chewed your lip. Should I start training again? You pondered, as you adjusted your dress underneath you. It couldn't hurt to start running in the mornings, and you could pick up weight training again. You frowned. You'd probably have to fix your appalling sleep schedule as well… actually, that would probably have to be the first step if you wanted to achieve anything. It would be a lot of work, but yesterday was a wake-up call for you. You'd nearly done something that you would've regretted for a long time. Guilt, loneliness, uselessness... whenever you fell into any of those slumps, you turned to the bottle for the night. The instances where this was happening were only becoming more and more common in these past months. You were destroying yourself, and eventually you'd make a mistake you couldn't take back. It was the fate of a drunkard. You pushed your hands against the grass and sat yourself upright, taking a deep breath. Well, now what? You'd now established that you wanted a change, but how were you supposed to initiate the change? It was more than just a drinking problem, it was a coping mechanism that you'd slowly ingrained into yourself for the past year. You sighed. You needed to talk to someone, someone that could hold you accountable, someone who you could reach out to before you fell into the cycle again. Seeing as you only had a total of two close friends, one of which had a bit of a drinking problem himself, that left you with one option, Hange. You groaned. This was a conclusion you'd reached a long time ago, but you'd really wanted to avoid it. They're going to give me hell. You slumped back down into the grass, shutting your eyes. You could talk to them later tonight, they had been planning on visiting you in the library anyway. You frowned. Apologize to Levi, confide in Hange… what a loaded day you had ahead of you. As someone who was more introverted, it sounded like your own personal hell. Just thinking about it made you tired. Maybe I should take a small nap, you thought, letting out an obnoxiously loud yawn, as you brought your hands up to your eyes to block the sun's light. Your eyelids started to feel heavy, so you began to indulge yourself in some rest. Of course, as soon as you did, you felt someone nudge on your shoulder. God damn it. You groaned and pulled yourself back up, with an irked expression on your face. You snapped your head back to face who had interrupted you.

"What." You asked, with more bite than intended.

There stood Furlan, towering awkwardly over you. He looked a little taken aback by your sharp tone. A twinge of guilt popped in your chest.

"Sorry, If this is a bad time-" He began.

"No, no! Please, it's fine, I was just tired...didn't sleep much last night." You explained, "Please, you don't have to leave." You insisted. He gave you a grateful smile.

"Don't mind if I do then!" he said cheekily, plopping himself next to you on the ground, still keeping a respectful distance.

"So what are you doing out here, shouldn't you be in the dining hall now?"

"Ah, yeah I should be..." he chuckled, rubbing his neck, "But my stomach wasn't feeling the best so I just grabbed a loaf of bread and decided to take a walk."

"Maybe you should go back and eat. You say that now but you might need the energy later, you have a long day ahead of you." You warned, but he just shook his head.

"Naw, besides Levi's in a touchy mood right now, don't really want to be near him." He said with a small laugh. You froze. Furlan noticed the disgruntled look on your face.

"Is something wrong?" He asked, cocking his head.

"Ah, it's nothing," You said, pursing your lips, "But what were you saying about Levi? Do you know why he seems upset?" You asked, as nonchalantly as possible.

"I dunno, Commander Shadis sent him to Erwin's office for some formation practice papers, and when he came back he was in a sour mood, wouldn't tell me or Isabel why."

"I see." You said, quietly. I really need to talk to him. An uncomfortable silence fell between the two of you, neither of you knew what to say to the other, so the two of you just sat there, looking up to the clouds. Eventually, he tapped your shoulder again, and you turned your focus back to his lips.

"What are you reading?" He asked, pointing a finger to the book next to you. You perked back up.

"Ah, this is called the 'Gentleman's Nursery'" You replied, picking it up and placing it on your lap, "It's a romance novel I read as a teenager...I really love it, it's one of my favorites, so I decided to read it again."

Furlan observed you intently as you spoke. A small heat trickled onto your face as your eyes met back up to meet his gaze. He has nice eyes. For the first time since meeting him, you actually observed them closely. They were very defined, slightly downturned at the ends. It gave them a tired look. The color was a popping hazel, with dark brown specks here and there. Your eyes quickly returned down to his lips as you realized he was preparing to speak.

"Do you like romance?"

You blinked, unsure of what he meant with his question.

"...Huh?"

"A-ah, I meant the romance genre." He explained quietly, averting his gaze. He looked a little red. Of course he did. You scolded yourself mentally for interpretating it any other way

"Oh, well it's not my favorite genre, but this one's just so well written, I can't help but reread it over and over again..." You said, as you fiddled with the blades of grass under your hand, "What about you?"

"Hm?"

"Have you ever enjoyed a romance novel?"

"Oh, not really, I've always liked mystery, horror, that type of thing."

You hummed in response. Another silence fell between the two of you.

"Can I borrow that book?" He blurted out, pointing at the book on your lap. You looked at him questioningly.

"Really? Do you think you'd be interested in this sort of thing?"

"Well, if you say it's good, that's gotta mean something, right? I admit it's not my style but..." He turned his head the opposite way as he got out the rest of his sentence. You couldn't see what he said.

"...But? I couldn't see what you said." You told him, arching a brow.

"Ah, sorry." He murmured, quickly turning back to face you, "...Well, it'll give us something to talk about, so I'll read it." he responded, bluntly. His face was now a stunning vermilion, and you couldn't help but reciprocate a flushed feeling in your cheeks as he looked at you. Such earnest eyes. You turned your gaze down to your feet, which had suddenly become the most interesting thing in the world to you in that moment. You didn't say anything for a bit, but you were brimming with excitement at the idea of having a reading buddy.

"O-oh, well of course you can borrow it, if you want...It'll be nice to finally have someone to talk to about it." You said with a small chuckle, as you handed the book to him, which he accepted with a small bow. You pulled out your watch, and you blinked in surprise. Twelve thirty-three.

"Furlan you need to get going! Lunch ended three minutes ago!" you exclaimed, voice jumping up an octave. His eyes widened, and he instantly shot up from the grass and began a dash back to the training fields. He didn't get very far, before he turned back to face you. He shouted something, but the distance between the two of you was too wide. You motioned towards your ears in oblivion, and gave him an exaggerated shrug. You snickered as you saw him smack himself in the forehead at his mistake, before jogging back up to you.

"We'll talk more after the expedition tomorrow!" He beamed, before turning back and continuing his sprint to the field.

You stared at him with a blank look as he ran off into the distance. That dreaded sense of familiarity overcame you. The similarity between what he just said and Marla's last promise was too glaring to ignore, no matter how hard you tried. A part of you wanted to chase after him, and pull him back to sit next to you again,so the two of you could keep talking about books. But you didn't. You decided to put your faith in him, despite every bone in your body screaming at you to do otherwise. You remembered the day you'd told them about your last expedition.

We won't die out there.

He'd stated this as a fact, and you found yourself replaying his words in your head over and over again for comfort, until eventually, you found yourself genuinely believing in it. Levi, Isabel and Furlan were all very skilled soldiers, that's what Hange always told you, and they had no reason to lie to you. That, in combination with the new Scouting formation, made the likelihood of something happening pretty low. You sighed, releasing the tension that had unwittingly built up in your chest. Look at you, thinking about him as if he were already dead, you thought, rubbing your eyes. You smiled to yourself, gazing up at the fluffy clouds. You looked forward to finally having someone to talk to about books.