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Chapter 6 - Settling in

BPOV

It was easy to forget I was a newborn vampire. I settled into this new routine with my new family amazingly quick. After Rosalie and Emmett had joined us we settled quickly into a familiar pattern. We would spend time together as a family, they would each take turns to teach me things about vampire life, and we would do our own things. A month quickly passed like this. I went on hunting trips with everyone. they tried to rotate their hunting schedules so one of them could join me on my hunting trip every three days. Carlisle and Jasper were opposed to me trying to hold out any longer than that for now. They were still marveling at my control and I knew a part of Jasper was still waiting for my control to snap. I didn't blame them for it, and acutally agreed with them. Better to be safe than sorry, and I knew I couldn't live with killing someone.

Emmett especially got a kick out of our hunting trips. He liked that his little sister was no longer a weak and breakable human. During our trips he challenged me to wrestling matches which he would always lose. That didn't stop him from trying however, and everytime I managed to pin him to the ground, I marvelled at my newfound strength. Emmett always egged me on to keep fighting, to keep going. He took me way further than my human self's boundaries, but i was glad he was pushing me. It was cathartic in a sense to be able to really let go. I didn't care what any one thought, I didn't care if i destroyed some trees or rocks. And I knew Emmett could tkae whatever I threw at him, so I knew it was safe. I was finally able to release everything inside.

No one brought him up anymore either. That had helped settle me as well. I knew they were worried about him, but when they talked about him, they waited until I was gone from the room. I knew they also occasionally talked to him, but they made sure to leave the house to do so. Alice had done so a few nights ago. Esme had done it just this morning. I tried not to care about it. He didn't care about me. Why should I care about him?

They helped me grow confident in my new skin and these past few weeks I hardly recognized myself anymore. I was glad of the change. I had been so insecure of myself when I had been human. I had constantly second guessed myself on everything. It was nice to finally know what I wanted and not be afraid to get it. Esme and I finished my room and Alice helped me decorate it. Rosalie true to her word struck up a friendship with me as well. We usually spend a few hours every night talking through everything. She had shared the harrowing tale of her own transformation and the fear she carried into this new life, the pain and the regrets. I shared my own tale and my fears. Although one fear I left neatly tucked away.

We continued like this for a while until one day everyone was tense when I came out of my room to join them in the living room.

'Are you sure Alice?' Jasper asked. She nodded biting her lip nervously. I was on edge immediately. '

What's wrong?' I asked. They all looked at me and then each other, clearly uncomfortable. My mind jumped to the worst conclusion possible. 'oh…' I mumbled, looking away. 'You have to leave again… It's alright. I won't want to overstay my welcome.'

I heard a collective groan travel through the group. 'Honestly Bella.' Jasper snapped. 'I thought you were surer of yourself now.'

'What?'

'Why do you always assume the worst?' Alice sniped.

'What's wrong then?' I asked. 'Why else are you looking at me like I'm going to break?'

'Well… because I did see you break.' Alice said softly.

I frowned at that. 'Why?'

'Something is going on that we haven't told you about. We just wanted to give you space to deal with things. But well… it seems the timetable has sped up.'

'What are you talking about Alice?' I asked, my patience wearing thin.

'I called Edward a few nights ago. He called Esme and told her he'd be home in a few days. That was yesterday. But it seems he got lucky and will be here in just a few hours.'

I froze. I locked my muscles down and froze to the spot as feelings overwhelmed me. He was coming. I didn't know how to feel about that. Jasper filled my body with calm, but it didn't work. I couldn't help it. I was overwhelmed with regret, anger, hurt, pain, but above all else; hope. I hoped he would like this new me and get over whatever had distracted him. I hoped he would love me again… and I knew that that was absolutely a stupid thing to hope for. He had hurt me deeply. I shouldn't want to love him anymore. Yet I did.

'Are you alright?' Rosalie asked softly.

I shook my head, then nodded. Then shrugged. 'It's difficult to make sense of.' I finally mustered.

Carlisle nodded sympathetically. Take your time.' Esme said softly.

'Does he know?' I asked.

Alice shook her head. 'I haven't told him.'

'Do you know how he will react?' I asked. Her vision grew distant as she searched the future for me.

'There's a lot of possibilities out there.' She said. 'Some happy… some not so much…' She looked at me funnily.

'What do I do?' I asked no one in particular.

'if you're not ready to face him, we'll tell him to leave.' Rosalie said fiercely. 'You don't have to deal with this now. We'll keep him away.'

'I can't ask that of you.' I whispered. I knew that Rosalie would gladly kick him out, but this was his family. I was the one imposing.

'It's alright. We'd be happy to do it. It's time he got a good ass kicking for what he did.' Jasper said, looked upset.

I smiled at them but shook my head. 'No it's fine. I'll just stay in my room when he gets here. I'm not sure if I'm ready yet. But if I am I'll come down and see him…. If not I'll just stay in my room.'

'Do you want us to tell him?' Esme asked.

'He's going to see it in your minds anyway… so sure.' I shrugged. I wasn't sure if it would make a difference anyway. 'When will he be here?' I asked, feigning nonchalance. Only jasper knew how tightly wound I was.

'Two o clock.' Alice answered. I glanced at the clock it was ten in the morning now.

I nodded. 'Alright. I'll go to my room now.'

'Bella.' Rosalie called. 'Are you okay?'

'I'll let you know.' I said and traipsed up the stairs again to my room.

I paced my room relentlessly, but thankfully the others didn't impose or pressure me. How did I feel about this? I had hoped I'd have more time before I had to face him. I needed more time to figure out my feelings. I wasn't sure what to feel. I was hurt. I was angry. I was furious even. How could he leave me? But I was also scared. Scared he didn't love me anymore. Even though his family seemed to think that was unlikely. They'd said he was miserable. If he didn't still love me why would he be miserable? He'd be living it up wouldn't he? Free of his human dead weight. But I wasn't sure and that possibility tormented me the entire time.

Jasper finally ventured up the stairs after two hours. I guess he finally couldn't take my feelings anymore.'Bella.' He knocked. 'Can I come in?

I paused my pacing and looked at the door. Was I ready for whatever he had to tell me? Then I sighed. 'Come in.' I confirmed.

He opened the door and stepped into the room. 'This is a lot. I know. I know you aren't ready for anything like this. If I'd known Alice had called him, I'd have told her to hold off at least another month to give you time. But it didn't go that way.'

I sighed and nodded. 'I don't know how to feel.' I said miserably, as I sank down onto my bed.

'It's okay. There is no right or wrong here. You're allowed to feel however you want to feel.' He said smiling at me kindly. Then he came over and sat down next to me. 'I thought I could help you sort through some things. Mostly you seem to oscillate between hate, fear and hope. I think I can clear up two of those for you.'

I raised an eyebrow at him. 'Which ones?'

'The fear and hope.'

'Okay.' I was hesitant. What was he going to do?

'I want you to close your eyes.' I obeyed. 'Now, I'm going to show you how Edward felt before he met you.'

A strong feeling washed over me then. Foreign and unfamiliar. It was cold, distant, some happiness here and there but everything felt muted somehow. Like there was no actual happiness just make-belief. 'This is how he felt everyday since I've known him before he met you. He was content enough, but there was something missing. Then he met you.'

The feelings changed. Everything became amplified. Happiness became elation, fear became terror, and the jealousy... it was overpowering. But the love… it was adoration, it was bliss, it was everything.

'You made him feel alive, Bella. You changed him completely. He loves you with every fibre in his being. It's all consuming for him.'

I sucked in a shaky breath. The feelings ebbed away again, leaving me feeling bereft in their absence.

Now I know he hurt you. I know you're scared he's going to hurt you again. Or that he isn't going to love you. but I can promise you: after a vampire has been changed so thoroughly as you changed Edward… There is no going back. He will forever love you. There is no doubt about that.'

'He still loves me?' I squeaked.

Jasper nodded. 'I promise you, he does.'

'Can you…' I looked away. He nodded for me to go on. 'Can you… when he arrives… can you sent me his feelings when he learns what happened?'

He smiled and nodded. He gave me a brief hug and patted my head assuring me everything was going to work out. Then he left me to myself, and my new found knowledge. I kept remembering those two different feelings trying to analyse them. Trying to compare them to my own. I kept going over them until I heard the gravel crunch as a car turned into our driveway. I held my breath. He was here.