CHAPTER SIX
STONE
It was difficult to say who suffered more during the car ride home: Beast Boy or Raven.
Perhaps the former rightly deserved this title, for unlike Raven, who could wear her irritation unhindered, Beast Boy was forced to keep his wedged deep inside of him for all of twenty minutes.
It had been decided a little while ago that Raven should be moved to the middle seat, as despite being the same height as the shifter, his broadness now meant he took up more space. So he sat with his temple pressed to the window whilst the T-Car tore down Oldham Street, hoping that in keeping his arms folded tight to his chest, he might better suppress the afflictions swarming wildly inside it.
On his left was Raven, lodged between himself and Starfire. She too had her arms crossed, staring on at the road ahead and simply waiting for the inevitable moment wherein the taunting would commence.
Thus far, the boys had kept suspiciously quiet, having hopped into the vehicle and flicked on the radio as though nothing were amiss. This didn't assuage her, though; they were merely five minutes into their trip back, leaving plenty of time for them to get in their kicks before they reached the tower, where they knew she would spare no time in retreating to her room to meditate.
Raven made an earnest attempt at distracting herself, letting her gaze shift to Starfire's window where buildings and pedestrians flitted past them in a blur. Just when she was beginning to think she might be safe, she heard her name called out over the buzz of the radio.
"Hey, Raven?" Cyborg said from the driver's seat, meeting her eyes in the mirror.
So it begins.
When she wordlessly challenged his stare, glaring back in caution, he bravely continued.
"Think you can score me some tickets to Def Leppard next month?"
The sold-out concert taking place in the very arena they'd just salvaged?
Though Robin's face remained out of view on the passenger side, Raven didn't miss the way his shoulders hunched and head tipped down at this. Her brows descended on her head.
"And how would I do that?" she rasped with a warning edge, already knowing the answer. She saw his fingers tap leisurely at the wheel as he let out a hum.
"Well ya' know, usually when your boyfriend works backstage you get some nice perks!" It was only towards the end that Cyborg's nonchalance collapsed, sullied by the makings of a chuckle he could no longer curb.
Like domino, this only served to set Robin off as well, his shoulders shaking in rhythm with his friend's. There was a beat where Cyborg noted the absence of Beast Boy's laughter, so he spared a moment to turn and grin at his partner-in-crime, assuring no one was left out of the fun.
"Right, B?" he said through a tittering smile, his human eye alight with mischief.
Beast Boy swallowed down the bitterness on his tongue. So as not to raise any question, he lifted his head from the window and managed a convincing laugh of his own.
"Haha, right," he returned with a curl of his lip. It seemed a lifetime of feigning cheer paid off every now and then, for the mecha returned to his driving, completely appeased.
His smile was gone the instant his temple fell back to the glass.
Beside him, Raven let out a sigh, her scowl already waning as she came to terms with the fact she'd become a sitting duck.
"Really, guys?" the girl droned. Starfire, who had shown mercy till now, perked up on her left.
"Oh, but Raven, he was most handsome!" she urged in a voice that Garfield felt was much too encouraging. Raven groaned as she shrank back in her seat.
"Not you too."
Robin swivelled just enough to grant her a knowing glance.
"Sooo, does he have a name?" he sang, ignoring the flash of betrayal he received in return. She supposed it served her right for doing nothing to stop his and Starfire's torment this past month.
Accepting she had no escape whilst trapped in the car, Raven muttered out an answer after a pregnant pause.
"... Adam."
That had been a mistake.
"Ooooooh, Adam!" Cyborg warbled without refrain. To Raven's mortification, her leader didn't hesitate in hopping right on board.
"Adam who works at the arenaaaa!"
Forget lifelong bonds, these two were going to die today. But it seemed they'd chosen to spend their last moments having a blast at her expense, whilst she could only press her hand to her head and do her best to summon some tolerance.
It was safe to say no one truly believed much would come of the exchange. After all, it seemed absurd to imagine someone as unique as Raven, who fawned over Atlantian heartthrobs and ancient wizards, settling for some average, run-of-the-mill guy.
Still, they'd all seen her accept his number, and whether she decided to act on this or not, it was more than enough reason to rile her up with some affectionate torture. With every new taunt, the pair's unruliness swelled, clashing with the whir of the radio.
"Adam, you're so tall and handsome! "
"Let's make out behind the bleachers..."
"Mwah mwah mw-"
"Guys! Can you give it a rest?!"
All sound perished but for the lone tune stirring from the speakers. As a result of his outburst, Beast Boy quickly found four sets of eyes pinned to him in a cluster of question and shock.
Robin was the first to save him from the silence, though it was admittedly not much of a rescue.
"Uhhh, what?" he spouted through a confused smile.
Beast Boy inhaled before speaking again, mainly to the occupants of the two front seats.
"My ears are sensitive, okay?" the shifter began. Though his voice had calmed, he maintained that edge of annoyance to better sell his lie. "They're still ringing from the fight and you two are loud."
Everyone shared in a look, guiltily remembering that their friend's heightened senses often meant discomfort after brawls with Punk Rocket. The fact he'd been on stage, closest to the amps when that final blast hit, certainly wouldn't have helped…
"Sorry, B," said Cyborg sincerely, making a point to lower the radio's volume with a turn of the dial. Robin briefly looked to the enchantress.
"And Raven, we're just messing with you."
"Couldn't tell," she returned, but in her tone it was apparent that she forgave them. Over the years, they'd all had their turn in being the mark, and she knew hers was well overdue.
As Robin faced forward again, a steady quiet began to suffocate the once rowdy space.
Knowing he'd been the cause, the awkwardness clung to Beast Boy like tar. It slid down his spine and stuck in his throat, and he desperately glued his gaze back to the world outside his window, a part of him tempted to throw himself out of it.
Raven's eyes had drifted to her lap, where she absentmindedly played at the seam of her cloak.
She couldn't be sure if Beast Boy's claim was genuine, or if he had used it as a means to spare her from the onslaught. For a short time she reflected on this notion, oblivious to the fact she was wrong on both fronts.
After some minutes, Starfire brought up the subject of dinner and the tension dispersed. They rode out the rest of the journey and Beast Boy felt a wave of relief at the sight of the tower coming into view. Not much later, they were parking up in the hanger and filtering out of the T-Car.
Cyborg went straight to the changeling, placing his hand on his shoulder and saying how he'd grab him some painkillers and water once they got upstairs. Though Gar relayed his thanks, he also couldn't help but catch the end of another conversation - the one taking place several feet ahead of him, where Starfire had nabbed Raven by the arm and leaned in close to whisper in her ear.
"We can partake in the girl talk later to discuss this boy!" she smiled excitably. Though he only saw the backs of their heads, he could envision the long-suffering look on Raven's face when he heard her concede with a reluctant 'fine'.
She didn't seem eager about the topic, at least.
If she liked this guy, she would be eager, right?
But then, if she didn't, she probably wouldn't have taken his number…
He let his feet carry him out of the hanger and felt his brows furrow, unable to shake the idea that this stranger had totally stolen his thunder.
Emboldened by the adrenaline of thwarting their foe, Gar had been so ready to waltz into the round and help her up from the floor.
He would've done it smoothly, with eyes full of care and a charming yet tender smile that he hoped would cause her heart to stutter. She would've met his gaze as she looked up to him, and he would've never let it break as he slowly pulled her to her feet with his hand wrapped snug around hers.
It didn't matter now. The opportunity was gone. Snatched from right under his feet.
The reality was that Beast Boy couldn't just walk up to Raven, tell her she was amazing, then ask her out to a gig Friday night like it was no big deal.
Because unlike 'appears-out-of-nowhere' Adam, who had spoken to her for all of two minutes, he was one of her closest friends. Someone who wouldn't even ask her to a gig, because he knew her well enough to know that she didn't even like gigs. Someone who had fought endlessly for her and would gladly go on doing so until his dying breath. Someone who had seen her darkest insecurities, all of the things that riddled her with doubt, and knew without hesitation that he wouldn't change a thing.
Asking her out, even if he ever found the courage to follow through, was not something he could just go ahead and do.
Because he wasn't just a stranger. Because he was Beast Boy, and she was Raven, and doing something like that would change everything between them.
The team split off with the shifter joining Cyborg in Main Ops. He hung about long enough for his friend to dig out something from the medicine cupboard, then he swiftly chased it down with a generous glass of water.
"Thanks, Cy," he said, placing the glass in the sink. "Think I'd better take a shower then just chill out for a bit."
"No worries, man. Just don't wear any headphones till tomorrow, 'kay?"
"You got it, Doc." With a thumbs-up, he headed out the exit and let his legs take him through the hallways leading to his bedroom.
Just a quick shower, then straight back to Ops, he told himself, knowing that he'd need a distraction now more than ever, but refusing to fall back into the void of his video games. Experience had taught him that when he got like this, being locked away in his room with just his thoughts for company would only make things worse.
Maybe he could ask Starfire if she'd want to catch up on that Attenborough series they'd started last week…
That is if she isn't already back in her room talking with Raven about-
"Do they feel any better?"
Garfield snapped to attention, raising his head from the carpet to see Raven exiting her room. It seemed in his haze he'd successfully reached the door marked 'BEAST BOY'.
"What do you mean?" he said dumbly, straightening when she paced closer towards him.
"Your ears."
Instinctively, one of his hands rose as if to touch his ear, but stopped midway as realisation took hold.
"Oh!" Beast Boy felt his chest lurch, reminded of his earlier fib. Skillfully, he shook it off with a light chuckle, though nothing funny had been said. "Yeah, Cyborg hooked me up with some of the good stuff," he joked, giving what he hoped to be a casual shrug as his hands found his uniform pockets.
And not for the first time, he asked himself why he insisted on being the comic instead of just answering a question like a normal person.
Her arms bent across her torso and she let her hands rest beneath her elbows.
"At least he's nice to one of us." Despite her vacant expression, she knew all her friends could detect when she meant something in good humour, and perhaps Garfield more than anyone. Proving this to be true, he levelled her with a head tilt and a raise of his brow.
"You expected him to keep quiet after that whole scene?" he ribbed, surprised at how well he could veil his distaste for the topic.
"It wasn't exactly my fault."
Where another quip should have followed, a strange silence crept out of the distance between them, for Beast Boy was now thrown by his need to know exactly what she meant by that.
On the one hand, it sounded almost like she resented the whole affair. Like maybe she had accepted Adam's number and attention as an act of sympathy alone. Maybe she hadn't found him to be charming and gentlemanly at all, and instead saw him as a bit of a jerk for putting her on the spot in such a way.
On the other, it could just as easily be the case that that was his wishful thinking. He knew Raven, and she wasn't the type to humour anyone for the sake of it.
Ultimately, there was only one way he could know for sure.
In his best attempt at appearing unfazed, Garfield licked his lips and buried his hands deeper into his pockets. To his disdain, he wasn't able to meet her eyes when he spoke, for fear that his own might give him away.
"So... you gonna call him?" he said quietly into the corridor.
His words hung in the air, and after several seconds of silence, he finally peeked up at her from beneath his lashes.
Her gaze had wandered off to the side, and he thought he could sense a cloud of reluctance slip over her, slow and unsure.
"I don't know yet," was the only answer she gave. An answer that answered precisely nothing. An answer that only raised more questions.
And in the beat after she'd said it, she looked back up to him as if to assess his reaction. As if she were waiting to be given a reason not to…
Another notion entirely made up in his head, he knew.
So he batted it away and nodded with a smile.
"Well, if it goes South, at least I know whose butt to kick," Gar smiled. The empty threat earned him an amused huff from her nose, a fond but subtle roll of her eyes as she leaned her weight to one hip.
"You can't fight a civilian, Beast Boy."
"Wouldn't be much of a fight, Raven," he swiftly shot back.
He shouldn't pride himself in knowing this to be true, but it was, and he was in a pretty foul mood, so he allowed himself that minor win, at least.
She just stared on at him a moment, trying to process why that flash of confidence had stirred something inside of her. It seemed he was second-guessing his cockiness, though, for he was moving on before she could reach a conclusion or give a response.
"You not gonna meditate?" he asked, gesturing to the closed door of her room. A rather tactful way of finding out if she was, in fact, on her way to see Starfire without outright asking.
"After I've made tea," she answered honestly.
So, for the next two hours, she would not be calling any random handsome guys, and she would not be with Starfire getting encouraged to call any random handsome guys.
At least with that knowledge he might actually be able to relax some, and maybe even watch that documentary with the alien after all.
"Cool," he said as he finally pressed his palm to the scanner and saw his door slide open for him. "I'll see ya' at dinner, then."
She regarded the blithe wave he gave her before they were separated by a slab of metal. Then it was all she could do to continue on towards the kitchen, hoping that in meditation she might finally find some peace of mind.
- T -
Raven's 'meditation' could not be called meditation so much as a vain attempt to shove down all her prying thoughts as she hovered cross-legged above her bed.
The surrounding space was aglow in amber light, a swarm of candles blinking amidst the darkness. There was a small parting in her curtains where her window was left ajar, allowing for a mild breeze to drift in and cool the air. On her bedside, a tendril of smoke rose from a stick of incense, streaming the scent of Lotus Flower deep into her lungs.
Though she sat with her spine straight, her palms facing up on her knees and her eyes gently closed, the witch's centre eluded her - that crucial place where she could abandon all things and let her spirit sink into the vast, empty nothingness.
Why did you take his number?
She frowned, beginning to lose patience with herself. If any quandary was to impede her meditative state, she refused to let it be that.
Though such a thing was hardly necessary, Raven stubbornly provided the voice an answer, reasoning that in the moment she had felt compelled to do so, so she did. This was further disputed by another invasive thought, one that now demanded to know why she had felt so compelled in the first place.
He seemed genuine, she reflected - a pathetic response, for it was not only a shameless diversion but also a fragment of what she knew to be the true reason.
When it seemed the voice had finally fallen away, Raven inhaled, inclining her chin as she did and allowing all of her muscles to go lax.
"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos… Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos… Azara-"
You don't even like gigs.
Her eyes snapped open and fingers curled into fists. She stared ahead at the adjacent wall, a blank stretch of purple that somehow seemed to stare back, then despondently succumbed to the call of her bed.
The magus descended and fell to her mattress in a heap, ignoring the way her hair spilled out in a violet mess across the pillow. She glared up at the ceiling, at the shadows cast out from the dancing flames, and mused on what an idiot she could be on the rare occasions she allowed her emotions to win out.
Raven was far from ignorant. She knew better than anyone that the last place she should seek companionship was in a civilian.
The idea alone was laughable.
No matter the scenario she might conjure in her head, the truth remained that, though the other wouldn't know it, such an endeavour would be doomed from the start. There was a small shred of people out there who were wise to what she was - what she really was - and fewer still who could handle that in a platonic sense, let alone a romantic one.
These citizens, living out their normal lives, with their greatest concern being an essay deadline… They were drawn to the heroes of this world. All of the Titans knew it. They longed for that fast pace, that thrill, anything to pull them away from the laborious slog of their day-to-day. They would tie themselves to it however they could. They would idolise their saviours from afar. They would see her, a walking fantasy, and foolishly believe that they could begin to understand, not realising that they didn't even know the first thing about her.
Not realising that some nights in her sleep, she still saw the skies bleeding down on her home. She still felt her father's threat, burning and writhing in red along her flesh. She still stood amid the carnage she had wrought, on the brink of a building she once knew, looking down on the world ablaze in suffering and screams.
That beneath her skin, in her very blood, there was a monster clawing and wailing for release.
That the monster was her.
Raven knew that in pulling a stunt like the one she had today, she'd succeeded only in granting herself a brief buzz and some poor boy false hope.
But it hadn't been without cause, and denying this would achieve nothing.
She couldn't deny it.
The familiar pang. The one that made her chest feel hollow, like someone had taken a shovel and dug all feeling out of it. A quiet apprehension. A mourning for something she had never truly experienced, beyond the fictitious charm of a paper heart.
It was craving and envy and hunger all at once.
It had been easy enough to push down before, but now she saw it most days, in hidden moments from across the common room. When Robin thought no one was watching, he would take Starfire's face gently in his hands and bring it to his, and when they kissed, a tangible warmth would suffuse every press of their lips, leaving Raven cold.
She wanted it.
She wanted their tenderness. Their trust. Their indulgent touches and secret smiles.
She would yearn for it as it called out from the space between her ribs. She would ache, knowing that for somebody like her, cursed and stained as she was, it could never be so simple.
That was why she'd done it. He had looked hopeful, and in a rare slip of control, she had imagined for a second that she too could be someone normal, that she could have all the sweet things everyone else was allowed to have.
But now, thinking back on the exchange in the seclusion of her room, she didn't feel any of the warmth or the butterflies.
She just felt bad.
Raven's eyes steeled as she collected all the chaos inside of her, drew it to a single point, then let it die. A routine procedure. Effective. One that always left her empty and flat, but most importantly, composed.
She sat up on her bed, stared again at the wall ahead, and saw just a wall.
There was only one thing left, she told herself, reaching into her cloak and pulling out a small piece of paper from within. Then she let her arm stretch to her side, the note held firmly between her fingers, and watched with dark eyes as it turned black in the candle's flame.
Author's Note:
(PLEASE READ THESE POINTS, THEY'RE CONTEXT I FORGOT TO ADD IN THE PREFACE!)
1) this story is set in the time the show aired, so around 2006. that means social media/the internet is not as prevalent in the world as it is today. the titans read newspapers instead of logging onto twitter. they watch their films on dvds instead of netflix. and people give out their numbers instead of sliding into dms. :')
2) in this story (and all of my stories, really) raven is not an empath. there are two reasons for this, the first being that there is no evidence in the show whatsoever to suggest that she is able to sense the emotions of others any better than the average human. in fact, i would argue that there is far more evidence implying she is LESS attuned to the emotions of others than most people.
the second reason is that i simply do not like this aspect of her comic-canon character, so it kind of really works for me that the show never alludes to her possessing this power. it's just a personal thing, but i think it's a really intrusive power that doesn't suit her character, and every time i've seen it used in fics it's always as a cop-out in place of her actually having to communicate with others to form an understanding and help her grow. i just really don't like it.
having said this, in my universe, raven DOES have the power to sense the PRESENCE of others. unlike with empathy, we've seen several examples of this being true in the 2003 show's canon. she says starfire 'is near' and she can 'sense things' in the episode 'go!' more than once, she has tried to sense where a villain is to track them down on a mission. i headcanon this power is also why she knew exactly where to find robin with her soul-self in 'haunted'. this power just makes so much more sense than the whole empathy thing.
3) as shown in season 5, everyone now knows bb's real name, but as they all assume he's embarrassed by it, it hasn't yet become something they call him. just wanted to clear that up as i know i use 'gar' in the narrative but not in dialogue!
4) the titans all have en-suite bathrooms in their rooms. with the size of the tower, it's ridiculous for them not to, imo.