[Chapter 5: Florida Man]
"I know you're out there, show yourself and face me like a warrior!" Rokurou yelled out into the thickets. It didn't take long for the agile swordsman to catch up to Florida Man, but he had darted into a dense forest and disappeared from his line of sight. Rokurou's superhuman hearing didn't pick up the rustling of branches or the crunching of leaves, so he knew Florida Man didn't run far, he was hiding, waiting to ambush him. Rokurou kept his guard up, he had no idea who this man was or what he was capable of, but if it was enough to make the usually carefree Magilou nervous, he knew underestimating him would be his last mistake. Rokurou cautiously made his way to a small clearing and saw Florida Man standing idle in the middle of it, as if waiting for him. The man was skinny, emaciated even, with long gray hair and a long scraggly beard, his skin was an unhealthy pale and his clothes were tattered and dirty, he didn't look like much, but Rokurou wasn't going to let his guard down. "So, you've decided to stop running, huh?" Rokurou asked inquisitively. Florida Man didn't seem to even hear him, he continued to stare blankly into the sky. "Hey, buddy, you know you'll go blind if you stare into the sun like that, right?" Rokurou continued to try to engage him. Finally, the man spoke. "It is so sad that Steve Jobs died of Ligma..." The man spoke somberly. "Who the hell is Steve Jobs?" Rokurou asked perplexedly. "Ligma-Oh son of a bitch..." Florida Man grumbled out with resigned frustration, and took a puff from his Meth pipe.
"I know who sent you, Anti-Christ, and I'm going to tell you right now...I WILL NOT DRINK THE CORN SYRUP!" Florida Man shouted as pulled a pair of Nunchucks from seemingly out of thin air, and assumed a stance unlike anything Rokurou had ever seen before. Rokurou was at a total loss as to what this guy was going on about, but if it was a fight he wanted, it was a fight he was going to get. "Alright! Bring it on!" Rokurou shouted with glee as his drew Kurogane from its sheath. Florida Man charged at Rokurou flailing his nunchucks at near superhuman speeds, his attacks were random with absolutely no rhythm to them, which made it extremely difficult for Rokurou to gauge his style and find an opening. "THE U.N. WILL BURN! ALL THE LIZARDMEN WILL PERISH!" Florida Man screamed out as he speedily dodged Rokurou's retaliatory slashes, and summersaulted a distance away before whipping out a deck of expired Waffle House gift cards and threw them at Rokurou like Ninja stars. The cards sliced the air as Rokurou narrowly dodged them and they embedded themselves in the tree trunks behind him. "THE NEW WORLD ORDER WON'T CLAIM ME! I AM THE LORAX AND I SPEAK TO THE TREES, AND I HEAR THE TREES SPEAKING VIETNAMESE!" Florida Man screamed out as he pulled out a bottle of Absinthe and began chugging it, Rokurou saw his opening and began to charge at him, but before he could reach him, Florida Man pulled out a cigarette lighter and blew his alcoholic breath into it. Rokurou dove out of the way as a jet of flames spewed towards him, igniting the foliage behind him. Another stream of flames ignited the ground in front of him, cutting Rokurou off from Florida Man. "BILL GATES WILL NEVER MICROCHIP ME! I AM THE CAPTAIN NOW-" Suddenly, Florida man grasped his head involuntarily and fell to his knees, screaming at the top of his lungs. "NO! THE 5G SIGNAL! I CAN FEEL IT INSIDE MY HEAD! GET IT OUUUUTTTT! I FEEL PRETTY, AND WITTY, AND GAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!" Florida Man cried out as he picked himself up and bolted into the forest, disappearing into the brush. "What. The. Hell." Rokurou uttered out in complete bewilderment. He resolved that he'd better get back to Magilou's cabin to deliver the bad news and to find out more about who this Florida Man was and what he was capable of.
"You let him go?! Damn it, Rokurou! You had one job!" Magilou angrily scolded Rokurou. "Hey, you didn't tell me what this guy was capable of! I nearly got sauté'd when I tried to take him on!" Rokurou retorted defensively. "What did happen back there, Rokurou?" Eleanor interjected. "I don't know, he pulled out a pair of nunchucks, started screaming about corn syrup, something about a 'UN', Lizard People, the New World Order, and then he claimed the trees were speaking 'Vietnamese' and nearly burned down the forest. Then, when I was trying to get my bearings, he screamed something about 5G making him feel gay and then he took off towards Loegres. I barely understand it all myself." Rokurou recounted. "And you let him?!" Magilou replied angrily. "You just saw what that man is capable of! If he gets to Loegres who knows what kind of damage is going to be caused! That's the only town close to here, where am I going to get supplies if he burns it down?!" Magilou continued to scold Rokurou. "Magilou! You need to come clean with us, who is 'Florida Man', how do you know him, and what kind of damage is he capable of?" Eleanor interjected once again. In an instant, Magilou shifted from her uncharacteristically panicked, desperate demeanor to her trademark dramatic mystique. "A being of a distant world that has wreaked terror and havoc on his realm! I learned of him while studying the Empyreans. He is the embodiment of pure chaos, insanity given form! All that is known of him are the stories of his exploits, leveling towns, wrestling the wildest of beasts, putting on the most unsightly displays of indecency, even evading taxes! If he is unleashed upon this world, the damage caused would be most catastrophic! Our world simply cannot handle such a being of pure chaos! Velvet's rampage would look like nothing more than a drunken brawl at the tavern compared to the chaos this man could unleash! There is nothing he can't do, no line he won't cross!" Magilou dramatically explained. "Then it's settled! We need to get to Loegres as soon as we can!" Eleanor declared. "Alright! Time for the rematch! He won't slip away this time." Rokurou excitedly stated as he unsheathed Kurogane halfway. "You're coming too, Magilou." Eleanor authoritatively declared to the witch, who was trying to shrink into the background. "B-But...He has a crocodile..." Magilou sheepishly responded. "First, that was an alligator, not a crocodile! And second, you got us into this mess, you're going to help us fix it! Now get out there!" Eleanor retorted angrily.
"Captain Alex! We've got a situation!" One of the guards yelled as he burst into the post at Port Zekson, panting in exhaustion. "What's the situation, corporal?" The guard captain quickly stood up. "There's somebody causing a scene at the market! My squad's taking a beating, this guy's something else!" The guard explained between exhausted breaths. "Alright, get the men together, let's go teach this guy a lesson." Captain Alex declared as he grabbed his sword off the table and marched to the door.
"Sir, please...I have a family." a civilian trembled in fear as a large watermelon was placed on the table in front of him. "Remember, switching to your pistol is faster than reloading, but switching to your knife is even faster." Florida Man authoritatively stated to the civilian. "W-what are you even talking about?! Please just let me go!" The civilian stuttered out. Florida man placed a large bowie knife into the man's hands and motioned to the watermelon "Knife the watermelon." "D-Do I have to?..." The civilian hesitantly replied. Florida Man leaned in closer. "Knife. The. Watermelon." The civilian hesitated for a second before he stabbed the watermelon with all of his might, juices spurted from the large fruit as the knife sank into it all the way to the handle. "Nice! Your fruit killing skills are remarkable!" Florida man proudly congratulated the man before he suddenly delivered a powerful haymaker directly to the watermelon, causing it to explode and showering the area in fruit juice and chunks of watermelon, and deftly caught the knife in his teeth as it fell from the sky. The civilian screamed in terror and ran from the scene as fast as he could. "Halt, fiend!" an authoritative voice called from behind Florida Man. "Just who told you that it was okay to put on this freakshow in my town?" Captain Alex called out as Florida Man turned to face him. "A person named Joe." Florida Man calmly replied. "CAPTAIN DON'T!" One of his men cried out, but it was too late. "And who is this Joe?" Captain Alex replied inquisitively as a menacing grin formed on Florida Man's face. "Joe Mama!" With Florida Man's words, a devastating shockwave rocked the market. Stalls were thrown into the air, the fresh fruits and vegetables on display exploded and showered the area in juices, tables and posts splintered and spalled, windows and glass shattered into dust, Captain Alex and his men were thrown from their feet as Florida Man erupted into psychotic laughter. "HA! GOT EEEEEEEMMMMMM!" He cried out in glee as he sprinted to the southern gate and leaped over it with superhuman strength and speed. Captain Alex slowly worked his way to his feet, seething in rage. "Captain! Are you alright?!" One of his men cried out as he ran up to him.
"I want every single unit after that guy..."
"Everyone, sir?"
"EVERYONE!"