(Intro)
(We cut to the Griffin Household at night where Peter is watching TV on the couch in the living room.)
Announcer: We now return to Wreck-It Ralph.
(In the TV, we see Ralph in the penthouse with Felix.)
Felix: Nice to know that time in Sugar Rush made you a true hero, Ralph.
Ralph: Yep and it was nice of the Nicelanders to show some penance for all of the year they've been jerks to me.
(Cut to the brick dump where all of the Nicelanders are at, with Gene on Ralph's stump and all of the Nicelanders look at him with contempt.)
Deanna: I hope you're happy, Gene.
Gene: Wha? How am I at fault here?
Don: Oh I don't know, harassed Ralph at the party, got him angry, basically forced him onto that medal quest.
Mary: Which nearly caused our game to be destroyed.
(Gene gives a look of revelation before looking morose.)
Gene: Oh, yeah.
(Cut back to the living room as Stewie enters it. He goes to the couch, sits on it at the left end, takes the remote and changes the channel. Peter gives a look of shock before angrily turning to Stewie.)
Peter: Hey, I was watching that!
Stewie: Well, I'm now watching something fat-man.
Announcer: We now return to Bill Nye the Science Guy.
(Peter recoils in disgust before leaving the room. Brian comes up to Stewie.)
Brian: What was that about?
Stewie: Eh, he's probably allergic to science.
Brian: Stewie, I find that more unbelievable then that time when you pooped out gold bricks.
(Flashback to the family living like rich people and giving some gold bricks to a charity collector. Peter comes in, also dressed fancy, and holding an exhausted Stewie in his left arm and a gold brick in the right.)
Peter: Here's another golden brick.
(He gives it to the collector, who takes off as Lois shuts the door.)
(Cut back to the present.)
Stewie: That joke was kind of in bad taste, wouldn't you say?
Brian: Maybe
(Brian turns to the television.)
Brian: Are you watching Bill Nye the Science Guy?
Stewie: Yeah.
Brian: Do you watch this show because you're into science?
Stewie: (sarcastically) Gee Brian, I don't know. I guess my time machine, my shrink ray, and all of those inventions I made to one day murder Lois are just toys to me, huh?
Brian: I can do without the sarcasm Stewie.
Stewie: Well would mind letting me watch my show then?
Brian: Fine.
(Brian leaves the living room as Stewie faces the TV. Brian soon enters the garage where he sees Peter looking at an old-timey portable TV while sitting on an old chair and is laughing.)
Peter: Boy does Vanellope know what to do with that car of hers or what?
Brian: Peter?
(Peter turns around to face Brian.)
Peter: Oh hey, Brian.
Brian: Couldn't help but notice you seemed anxious to get away from that science show Stewie's watching.
(Peter looks nervous.)
Peter: Well...um, I just don't feel inclined to be anywhere near science, alright?
(Brian looks suspicious. Peter then sighs as he turns off the mobile tv.)
Peter: Okay Brian, if you really want to know, I may as well tell you. I hate science with every fiber of my being.
Brian: Really now?
Peter: Yes. All of that stemmed from the science classes I took in my school years.
(Flashback to Peter in the 5th Grade as he and his classmates is handed back a test in science class.)
Peter: (voiceover) It started at Middle School where I took a class in science and got my first test back.
(When Peter is handed his test, he immediately looks at it and is revealed to have a 'C-'.)
Peter: I got a 'C-' on my test. At first I thought it was no big deal. Until the rest of the class revealed they got higher scores.
(Peter at first shrugs but then turns to the other students whe they speak.)
Student #1: Hey, I got an 'A'.
Student #2: So did I.
Student #3: I did as well.
(The other students said they all got A's too. This makes Peter feel insecure. And after which, there is a montage of the same thing happening throught middle school, high school, and college.)
Peter: The same thing happened throughout all of the other science classes I took in all of the schools I attended.
(We cut back to the present and Peter is looking forlorn.)
Peter: And to think, I just barely passed those classes by getting average 'C' scores.
Brian: Well Peter, if it will make you feel better, you can always brush up on science to understand it better.
Peter: I appreciate the thought Brian, but I just feel like science isn't my forte.
(Suddenly, "Beethoven's 5th Symphony" is heard and Peter and Brian look back at the doorway to the basement.)
Peter: I didn't mean that kind of 'forte' Lois!
Lois: (offscreen) Well I have to remind the audience somehow that I used to teach piano!
(Cut to Meg walking down a street of Quahog and looks a little mad.)
Meg: Of all the pet peeves in the world that I face, my family, the idiots of Quahog, plot holes in movies and tv shows, Executives making ridiculous decisions to any form of media, dogs barking for the most stupid of reasons, none can compare to our show not being on Disney+.
(Meg soon as she smells some smoke that flies by her and soon follows the scent behind an alleyway where she sees a tough-looking guy smoking a cigarette. The man soon notices Meg, who backs off rather frightenedly.)
Meg: Oh uh, sorry, I'll just be...
(The man comes over to Meg and blows smoke in her face, prompting Meg to cough roughly as the man runs off.)
Meg: (between coughs) Oh my God, it's in my mouth!
(She continues coughing until she immediately stops as her eye pupils suddenly shrink and in her POV, she sees everything move rather slowly. She then looks like she's drunk.)
Meg: (slurring) What...the...hell?
(The entirety of Quahog suddenly turns into one big flower field. Upon looking at it, Meg looks pleased and proceeds to skip around the field with some of the flowers gaining life and skipping with her as some soulful music plays in the background. After a few seconds of skipping, we cut back to the real world where Meg is laying on the pavement with a blissful smile and her eyes are now colored in red. She is being looked at by Herbert, who is walking Jesse. He then turns to the audience.)
Herbert: I'm utterly tempted to keep an open-mind.
(Cut back to the Griffin house where Peter is reading a novel in the living room.)
Peter: You know Mr. Toad, you should've stayed an over-the-top, flamboyant braggart. You'd be surprised how many braggarts today are treated as equals. I think your friends are just being snooty and meddlesome.
(Suddenly, Chris comes into the house. Peter notices, closes his novel and sets it aside.)
Peter: Oh hey Chris, how was school?
Chris: Let me answer that in the form of a question. Who has two thumbs and aced his science test? (Points his thumbs at him.) This guy.
(Peter looked surprise.)
Peter: Wha...? Science?
Chris: Yeah, science.
(Chris takes out a test paper and it had an 'A+' on it. Peter looks surprised.)
Chris: It's amazing really. I didn't even study for the test. I just guessed it and it came out like this.
Peter: (forcing a smile on him) That's great, Chris. I'm proud of you.
Chris: Thank you.
(Chris takes his paper and leaves the living room and Peter looks as if he saw the scariest thing alive.)
Peter: It's no big deal, Peter. So Chris aced a test in science, what's the big deal? He even said he just guessed the answers. It's not like you have anything to be insecure about.
(Suddenly, a vat of green chemical poofs before Peter on the couch, causing Peter to yelp in surprise.)
Green Chemical: (male voice) Who are you kidding, pal? You know you suck at science and your son acing his test on a fluke won't change that.
Peter: (trying to look brave) What do you know? You're just a vat of acid.
(Suddenly, a vat of blue chemical appears nest to the green one on it's right, causing Peter to yelp again.)
Blue Chemical: (male voice) Oh wake up, will you? You're as jealous as a Plain-Sneetch is to a Star-Sneetch.
Peter: (still trying to sound brave) Leave Dr. Suess out of this!
(Suddenly, a vat of orange chemical appeared next to the blue one, making Peter yelp once again.)
Orange Chemical: (female voice) Come on, man! Don't act like you're okay with this.
Peter: (desperately) I-I-I am okay with this.
All Chemicals: Are you?
(Peter gets really stressed out and holds his head in anxiety before we get an x-ray of Peter's brain as it looks like it's having a heart attack.)
Peter's Brain: (male voice) Damn all this tension about science.
(The brain falls on the ground and as we cut back to Peter, he follows suit. Outside, we see Cleveland looking through the window.)
Cleveland: (to the audience) And this is why we tolerate Peter's idiocy.
(We cut to Quahog at night where behind a dark alley, a man dressed in a black suit is loitering behind some trashcans.)
Man in Black Suit: (inner thoughts) So I go out and buy myself a nice vanity mirror for the living room because I feel like it will go nice with it. Then my neighbor from across the street comes for a visit, sees the thing, and calls it an eye-sore. He demanded that I get rid of it, so I get rid of him for telling me how to live my life. He comes back with a lawsuit, I question how removing someone from my premises counts as a lawsuit when I was called to the witness stand ad as a result, all of my neighbors assets were transferred to me. Oh, how I love to give myself inner anecdotes.
Meg: (offscreen) Excuse me.
(The man turns and sees Meg emerge from the shadows.)
Meg: Are you "The Suit"?
"The Suit": Who's asking?
Meg: You're new client.
(Meg holds up a briefcase. "The Suit" looks impressed and gives Meg a doggy-bag as she gives him the briefcase simultaneously.)
Meg: Pleasure doing business.
"The Suit": Likewise.
("The Suit" opens the briefcase and sees a bunch of stock bonds in it. Oddly enough, he still looks happy.)
"The Suit": How'd you even get all of these stocks?
Meg: I dabble in economics.
(Meg walks away and later at the Griffin home, her room is full of smoke as she is see laying on her bed, completely buzzed out as Green Days "Wake Me Up When September Ends" plays.)
Meg: (voiceover) A person in West Virginia despises this song with all her heart and soul.
(Cut to the Quahog Library where inside, Peter is reading some a Science book on a table while sitting in a chair.)
Peter: (inner thoughts) A neutron is a subatomic particle of about the equal mass as a proton oly with no electric charge, present in all atomic nuclei apart from nuclei of ordinary hydrogen. An electron is a stable subatomic particle possessing a charge of negative electricity, which is located in every atom and acting as the sole carrier of electricity in solids. A proton is a stable subatomic particle happening in every atomic nuclei, with a positive electric charge the same in magnitude to that of an electron, but of an opposing sign. Geez, even basic science feels too difficult. Come on Peter, snap out of it; if you want to learn about science, you can't just expect it to be automatically learned.
(A librarian comes to him.)
Librarian: No inner talking in the library.
(The people at the library shush him. He shushes them back. They then have a 'shushing' off. Peter looks really angered by this. In the next shot, all of the people at the library is thrown out, even the librarian, by Peter, who goes back in when he's through pushing the people out. He goes back to reading the book. After a few shots of him getting in several positions in the chair he was sitting in before he comes to the last page of the book ad closes it before setting it on the table.)
Peter: Wow, who knew science was so interesting? Like the librarian who I threw out calling the police on me.
(Cut to Peter being dragged out of the library by two cops while the librarian is outside the door, looking annoyed. Peter doesn't loo too upset though.)
Peter: (to the audience) Stuff happening in the story can be cutaways too.
(Commercial Break)
(Cut to the Quahog Community College where inside, Peter enters a room entitled 'Science Class'. The male teacher, who was drawing on the board, immediately sees him enter as does the rest of the class.
Science Teacher: (with the voice of Frank Oz) Ah, you must be Peter Griffin. Please, have a sear somewhere.
Peter: Okay.
(Peter goes to sit down at a desk in the back as the teacher resumed drawing on the board. Peter looks over to the desk on his left and sees Mort sitting there.)
Peter: Mort?
(Mort turns to Peter)
Mort: Hey, Peter.
Peter: You're learning science too?
Mort: Essentially. You?
Peter: Eh, my son aced a science test, on a fluke no less, and I'm pretty insecure about my own knowledge about the subject.
Mort: Really? My son took that same test and aced it on a fluke because he had little to no science knowledge.
Peter: Wow, that's a bigger coincidence then Jerry Stiller dying on the day of production start for 'The King of Queens' reboot.
(Cut to a dressing room with Kevin James in it, sitting in a chair and a stagehand comes in.)
Stagehand: Mr. James?
Kevin James: Hey, how do you feel about this opening line? "Hey Arthur, how was Hawaii?"
Stagehand: Good, but can you change Arthur to someone else?
Kevin James: Why? (He suddenly gives a look of realization.) Oh.
(Cut back to the class as the teacher begins teaching the people in said class.)
Science Teacher: Okay class, please pay attention to me. Now, I understand that a lot of you want to understand complex science. I know it would probably be in everyone's best interest if I explain it in full detail, but instead, we're going to have a little montage because the writer of this fanfic is too lay to due research.
(We then get a montage like the teacher said, with students reading Science books with the song "Mr. Roboto" plays in the background. Peter is reading his and comes across a page that describes DNA. He reads through it and suddenly imagines himself mixing his DNA with Brians to which he becomes a dog-human hybrid and smiles coyly. Next we see the students mixing chemicals together in a vat while wearing suits and protective goggles and glovess while also looking at a guidesheet. When we get to Peter, he's looking at the guide sheet for a second before putting some chemicals in his vat before mixing them with a spoon. The vat turns into a brownish color and Peter promptly drinks it al and when he stops he looks a little drunk before falling on the floor. The student are now seen trying to piece together some deconstructed computers while wearing protective gloves and goggles. Peter is see working on his computer to near completion. Once he finishes and turns it on, the computer's screen then spells out "THANK YOU, PETER," much to his enjoyment.)
(We the cut to the Griffin home where Brian is seen walking down the hall and as he pasts Meg's room, he smells something from and does a double take to her door.)
Brain: What the hell?
(Brian then enters Meg's room and gives a shocked look as he sees Meg on her bed holding a lit joint while her eyes look bloodshot red.)
Meg: (lazily) Oh yeah, life is good.
(Brian comes over to her.)
Brian: Meg, what the hell are you doing?
(Meg slowly turned her head to Brian.)
Meg: You tell me what the hell I'm doing, Brian.
Brian: Well it looks like your smoking. (He sniffs the joint.) Marijuana? Where did you get this?
Meg: From a man known as "The Suit", paid him in stock bonds.
Brian: Stock bonds?
Meg: I told him I have a way of economics.
Brian: Wait, how do you know so much about economics?
Meg: I sort of developed an unseen interest in it after seeing that Simpsons episode where Homer got a crayon removed from his head and became a genius.
Brian: Huh, I remember seeing that. I take that economics were involved based on the first part of that episode?
Meg: Yeah.
Brian: Well, getting back to the pot, I can't let you smoke this.
Meg: Oh, really?
(Meg abruptly puts the joint in Brian's mouth, prompting him to pull her arm out and cough out smoke like heck.)
Brian: Meg, what the hell-
(He stops as he gives a doped-out grin.)
Brian: (slurring) Was I trying to do?
(He climbs onto Meg's bed and lays next to her.)
Meg: What do you say Brian, pot buddies?
Brian: Yeah, pot buddies. We'll be a vice-driven duo like The Fox and the Cat from Pinocchio.
(Cut to the Fox hiding in some bushes in a forest with the Cat behind him trying to put on a black cloak.)
The Fox: Okay, here comes he puppet. Get ready.
The Cat: I'm trying, but the cloak's too tight.
(The Cat falls over on the ground. The Fox shakes his head in exasperation.)
The Fox: Why couldn't you be a weasel?
(Cut back to Quahog Community College as inside, the teacher is giving all of the students their diplomas.)
Science Teacher: Okay everyone, all of you have proven yourselves to be very good at science. And in honor of that, I am giving you guys some diplomas.
Mort: What? Seems kind of early. We've only been taking this class for three weeks.
Science Teacher: Well, education runs very differently in Family Guy.
Peter: Can't argue with that.
(We cut to Peter, with his diploma in hand, getting into his car and soon drives away from the Community College. He sighs in contentment while in his car.)
Peter: Boy, do I feel relieved. I suppose I can be taught science. So much so that I know what to do with it.
(We cut to Peter knocking on Quagmire's door while holding a drink in his right hand. Quagmire opens the door.)
Quagmire: Hey Peter.
Peter: Hey Quagmire, quick question for you, when is your next sexual conquest?
Quagmire: Tonight, 8:00 PM with some chick from another cartoon. Why do you ask?
Peter: Well, I just wanted to give you this drink (he show's Quagmire the drink by extending his right arm) because it is said to help you with any erection trouble.
Quagmire: Really? Well, my thing does tend to stop every once in a while. I mean, just two days ago, I lost the spark during a night with Beyoncé.
(Honking is heard and Peter and Quagmire look to see Beyoncé in a car on the road looking at the two men.)
Beyoncé (with the voice of Yvette-Nicole Brown) You still owe me $100 for the sex, Quagmire!
(Quagmire takes out his wallet in frustration.)
Quagmire: For God's sake. (to Peter) Let's circle back to this in a second, okay Peter?
Peter: Sure.
(Cut to the Griffin home here inside, Meg and Brian were sitting in the living room chair, looking buzzed while watching the television.)
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to, Malcolm on the Top.
(On the television we see Malcolm from Malcolm in the Middle whipping his mother Lois with a whip while she is pulling a one-person carriage that he is riding.)
Lois: Do you have to use that thing really hard?
Malcolm: Well considering how your title as my Mom no longer applies due to me no longer caring about it, I'd say yes.
(Lois just gives a sigh as she continues pulling the carriage. Cut back to the drugged out Meg and Brian.)
Meg: H-h-hey B-Brian? (Brian turns to her.) R-r-remember that episode of Malcolm in the Middle where he dukes it out with his principle?
Brian: Uhhhh, dukes it out about what?
Meg: Th-th-the school paper.
Brian: Huuuh, I think I saw that episode. Wh-why do you ask?
Meg: W-w-well, I kn-know a person on YouTube who thinks it's the worst episode of the show.
Brian: Really? W-w-well, I think the worst episode is the finale.
Meg: I-I-I didn't care for the finale myself, b-b-but I think the worst episode is that episode where Lois was smoking but told off others for doing so.
Brian: Yeah, I-I-I didn't care about that episode too.
(Stewie comes into the scene.)
Stewie: What's going on Brian?
(Brian turns to Stewie.)
Brian: H-h-hey Stewie, just-just hanging out with Meg.
(Stewie gets a good look at the two before realizing.)
Stewie: Oh my God! You're both drugged!
Brian: Hey now, cool off.
(Stewie leaves the scene.)
Stewie: Mom! Mom!
(A buzzed Brian then looks at the audience.)
Brian: Well, looks like we need an out. Ladies and gentlemen, Conway Twitty.
(A live-action scene shows Conway Twitty singing the entirety of 'The Rose' for 3-and-a-half minutes before the scene cuts back to the Griffin living room to show Lois and Stewie at an empty couch.)
Stewie: Damn it! Why are we in a TV show where anything can lead to getting out of consequences?!
Lois: Stewie, I don't know why you brought me out to the living room, but I have to go upstairs and crunch on some Fritos while watching Better Call Saul on my TV.
(Lois goes upstairs ad soon some crunch is heard.)
Lois: (offscreen) Oh yeah Jimmy, stick it to your jackass of a brother!
Stewie: I have no idea why the spin-off was more successful than Breaking Bad. But no time for that now, I have to track them down and stop their drug fuel. Good thing I put a tracking device on Brian's collar that enables his whole body to become quadriplegic if activated.
(As he said this, he pulled out a tracking device and activated it and suddenly, his whole body fell down to the floor, causing him to yelp. As he saw his entire body on the floor, he noticed a small grey rectangular object on the side of his right shoe.)
Stewie: How the hell did I miss that?!
(Commercial Break)
(Cut to Quagmire's home at night where inside, he is currently, uh, 'sweating the sheets' with someone in his bed. He gets out from under the covers and looks exhausted but happy.)
Quagmire: Wow, you were terrific.
(Out from his sheet comes Jane Jetson.)
Jane: Wasn't I? I mean, I'm not the one who had a nice piece of hotdog between us.
Quagmire: Yeah. In fact, my ding-a-ling's been as strong as ever.
(Jane looks below and sees something that makes her curious.)
Jane: Still seems that way though.
Quagmire: What do you mean?
(Jane points and Quagmire looks to see that the part of his 'private' is still hard as noticed by the cylinder lump on his blanket. Quagmire looks surprised.)
Quagmire: That's strange, it usually goes down by now. (shrugs) Eh, I'm sure it'll do so in a second. Hey, I have to use the toilet.
Jane: Okay.
(Quagmire gets up from his bed and goes to his bathroom on the side of the room. The noises we hear come from off screen are footsteps and he soon lifts up the toilet seat. A few seconds of silence emerge.)
Quagmire: (offscreen) Uh, come on buddy, impotate. That is if it's a word.
(A few more seconds and he grunts a few times.)
Quagmire: (offscreen) What's wrong with this thing? I lose attraction to every woman I meet after I have sex with them.
(Jane looks a little surprised when she hears this.)
Quagmire: (offscreen) And after seeing how much of a pencil Jane's body is, I'm not going in for seconds.
(Jane looks utterly offended as she leaves his bed with her privates pixelated and she walks out the door, slamming it behind her when she's out.)
Quagmire: (offscreen) Wait Jane, did you just leave? Damn it, I need to close the door when I'm in here.
(A thump is heard.)
Quagmire: (offscreen) Ahh! I just hit my ding-a-ling on the sink counter!
(Cut to the Griffin house at night where Stewie is putting together one of those conspiracy string maps while trying to figure out where Brian and Meg are.)
Stewie: Come on Stewie, think damn it! They have to be somewhere in Quahog.
(Stewie looks along the strings on the map and soon sees a pin point on a section of the map called MacFar Lane.)
Stewie: Of course, MacFar Lane is well-known for a criminal underbelly breeding ground. If Brian and Meg are there, who knows what could happen? They might end up on an episode of Sister, Sister.
(Cut to Meg and Brian opening the door while inside the house of the Campbell house and she sees Roger from American Dad looking smug.)
Roger: TBS paid me 3 grand for this little cameo.
Meg and Brian: (in unison with unimpressed expressions) Go home, Roger.
(They shut the door on him.)
Roger: (offscreen) Okay, this joke was too easy.
(Cut to Quagmire's house at night where Quagmire is walking out of it and as the camera closes up to him we see that he is walking with his 'thing' being shown from inside his pants and he has an angry look on his face.)
Quagmire: Damn that Peter Griffin! When I get to his house, I'm sticking this right up his nose!
(He makes it to Peter's house but stops and looks shocked at what he sees ahead.)
Quagmire: What the hell?
(He sees that a bunch of Peter's acquaintances are in a single-file coming near his house and they each look like they went through a strange transformation. Quagmire walks up to the leader of the line Joe, who is in an exoskeleton-like device.)
Quagmire: Joe, what's going on?
Joe: Well Quagmire, ever since Peter became a whiz in science, he started inventing things that at first seem like a dream-come-true, but ended up having negative repercussions. Like this exoskeleton he made for me gave me the ability to walk again but he didn't account for the A.I. having a mind of its own.
(Suddenly, Joe sticks his left index finger up his left nose as a red light heard seen in the exoskeleton's back beeps for a few seconds.)
Joe: That's how it laughs.
(Mort comes up having a full head of red hair.)
Mort: You think that's bad? Peter gave he hair lotion that gave me this (points to the hair) and guess what downside it has?
Quagmire: Uh...is it chronically itchy?
Mort: That would have been preferable but no! It makes me not engage in any Jewish stereotype!
(Suddenly, a cook comes up carrying some beef in a plastic container.)
Cook: Hey you guys, I'm a door-to-door beef salesman, would any of you care to try a free sample of beef?
Mort: I would but it wouldn't feel right eating it for free, so I'm giving you a tip.
(He gives the cook a dollar bill as he takes a sample of beef from the container.)
Cook: $100? Very generous sir. Well, see you.
(The cook leaves while Mort chews on the beef but looks utterly miserable while doing so.)
Quagmire: Somehow I think this is actually the better of Peter's failed inventions.
(Consuela comes up.)
Joe: Consuela? Why are you here? You don't look effected in any way.
Consuela: Yes, yes I am. Stubborn-Away Tequila.
(The guys look surprised.)
Quagmire: Woah, never thought I hear you say that.
(Consuela starts sobbing.)
Consuela: I know! Not being stubborn bad! Must stop! Must stop!
(Quagmire looks at the crowd.)
Quagmire: What about the rest of you guys?
Carl: (wearing a metal necklace) I can only now quote book references!
Tom Tucker: (fire coming out of his mouth whenever he speaks) I can't say "I'm Tom Tucker" without breathing fire!
Dr. Hartman: (now a skeleton) I'm all bones and no skin!
Tiny Tom Cruise: (a 100 foot tall giant) I'm now Gigantic Tom Cruise!
Seamus: (happy, lacking his wooden body and now has a human body) I got my body back!
(The rest of the group looks at him oddly.)
Carl: If you're happy Seamus, then why are you in this angry mob?
Seamus: This is an angry mob? I thought we we're gathering together to praise Peter for being a science God.
(God is looking down below at the scene from Heaven while wearing a science coat.)
God: (looking upset) Well, now I'm jealous.
(Cut to MacFar Lane where a bunch of low-lives are loitering around. A stoned Meg and Brian arrive on the scene, slowly walking across the low-lives.)
Brian: A-a-aright Meg, l-l-listen to this. These-these guys are-are people y-y-you don't want to-to screw with.
Meg: D-d-d-d-double E-e-e-e-e-entendre, Brian.
Brian: W-w-w-w-wha-a-a-a-t's your-your-your point?
(Brian and Meg continue to walk in their stoned-state and soon stop when they encounter, of all people, Principal Shepherd, holding a bag of drugs.)
Shepherd: Hello Meg, Brian. I see you two are still stoned. Anyway, thanks for calling me.
Meg: No-o-o-o-o problem-m-m-m-m-m-mo, P.S.
Brian: Yeaaah! Great to see Meg's head authority figure at her school has a dark side.
Shepherd: Will you two knock it off? Anyway, I got my special cigar's here in this bag.
(He takes out a silver-looking cigar and Meg and Brian awe at it.)
Shepherd: And they cost 50 bucks each.
Meg: A h-h-hundred bucks, eh? Well, I'll just...
(As she reaches his backside for her wallet, a spotlight is suddenly showered on them and all off the lowlifes on MacFar Lane.)
VOICE: Attention all drug dealers, this is the DEA! You're all under arrest!
(All of the drug dealers scream and try to bail out of the alley, Shepherd is no exception. The resulting mob pushes Meg and Brian to the side as a mob of shadows from the DEA follow suit. After the mob is gone, Stewie comes up to the doped-up Meg and Brian.)
Stewie: Hey guys, you're old pal Stewie called the DEA.
Brian: You s-s-s-suck, S-s-s-stewie.
Stewie: Okay, that joke has officially worn out it's welcome.
(Cut back to the Griffin home where the front door is beated on before falling to the ground as the victims of Peter's inventions stormed into the house. 'Giant' Tom Cruise looks into the house.)
Tiny Tom Cruise: Hey guys, I'm just gonna stay out here until you find him.
(In Peter and Lois's room, Quagmire opens the door and he and the mob soon see Lois encased in stone.)
Quagmire: Lois?
(Joe looks ahead and sees some face cream splattered on the floor.)
Joe: That face cream must have been made by Peter and turned her into stone.
Carl: First us and now Peter's wife?
Mort: He must be stopped!
(He placed his fist into his palm's other hand and soon, a single hair falls off his body which he then notices as it lands on his nose.)
Mort: Huh, how about...
(Suddenly, his entire head-of-hair falls off.)
Quagmire: Holy crap!
(He feels something and looks down to see that his 'wiener' is now becoming impotent.)
Joe: Woah!
(Suddenly, the red light on his exoskeleton turns off he is re-crippled.)
Joe: Woah, looks like all of these affects Peter's inventions had us aren't long-term, are they Consuela?
Consuela: No, no.
(She gasps as she realizes what she just said and laughs in happiness, Quagmire looks dour.)
Quagmire: That was the one change I actually liked.
(Suddenly, the rest of the side effects on the others wore off and they were back to normal.)
Mort: Wow, I guess us ganging up on Peter was completely uneccasary.
Joe: Where is Peter anyway?
Peter: (offscreen) Down here.
(Everyone looks down and sees that Peter is now a snail.)
Quagmire: Oh my God! Peter, you've turned into a snail.
Peter: Yeah, it would seem that way.
Mort: Well Peter, when you and Lois turn back to normal, I hope you will learn from this experience and never use people as science guinea pigs again, especially someone who went to science class with you.
Peter: That might not be possible Mort, because unlike you guys, I think these effects aren't gonna go away.
Joe: You mean, you're stuck as a snail and Lois is stuck as a statue for the rest of your days?
Peter: Maybe.
(Everyone looks at each other and give mischievous glances. The scene flips to outside where the snail Peter is being thrown in the air where he lands on a baseball mitt being worn by Quagmire, who then throws Peter to Joe, who is also wearing a baseball mitt while Peter screams again after being thrown. We pan above to see Peter being thrown by the people who became his guinea pigs, who are in a circle wearing baseball mitts all while the song 'Take Me Out to the Ball Game'.)
Peter: (voiceover) And I was tossed around like a baseball for a good 15 minutes before turning back into a human and landing on Consuela and landing on her lungs and heart thus killing her. Joe was given explicit instructions by his employer to not arrest me due to how annoying she was, though it may be due to the fact that the writer of this fanfic isn't fond of Consuela.
(Cut to Quahog Hospital where Brian and Meg are inside, lying on meds and look rather hungover while Stewie is in one of the seats at the room.)
Meg: Brian, can we both agree that we will never do drugs again for the rest of our lives?
Brian: Agreed, Meg. This incident might even make me quit alcohol cold turkey.
Stewie: The fact that your drug exploits have been made public causing you to be banned for two weeks from every place that sells any drugs and alcohol might have been a factor in that.
Brian: Oh, shut up Stewie.
Stewie: By the way, when Lois and the fat man discovered Meg's drug habits, they pulled together whatever resources they have to apply her for military school, but judging how economically scarce military schools can be, I don't think that'll last very long.
Meg: Too bad about Principal Shepherd getting suspended for this. I wonder who's going to replace him?
(Cut to Adam West High School where Tiny Tom Cruise, once again a midget, is standing on the desk and speaking into the P.A. system.)
Tiny Tom Cruise: And today's lunch will consist of baby carrots, pigs-in-blankets, mini-celeries, little cookies and tiny glasses of water.
(He turns off the P.A. system and grins at the audience.)
Tiny Tom Cruise: 5 shorts jokes in once sentence, take that home with you.
(Commercial Break)
(Cut back to the Griffin home where Peter and Lois are having a yard sale of everything related to science.)
Lois: Peter, I hope you realize why we're selling everything science related in this house.
Peter: (sighs in frustration) Because I made a bunch of inventions that had negative side effects on our neighbors and in the process killed Consuela, whose funeral we are not attending due to not being friends with her, not to mention turning you into a statue and that side effect hasn't gone away as your feet are still stiff.
(Cut to Lois's feet sharply on the ground in a certain way. Cut back to Peter and Lois.)
Lois: Do not remind me Peter, I had to hop over here like Kanga from Winnie the Pooh.
(Quagmire comes along.)
Quagmire: Hey, Peter, Lois, can I have the recipe for that erection drink you made me yesterday.
Peter: What? You want to have your wing-wang be stiff for another hour so?
Quagmire: To break my record of longest sex? I would.
Peter: Okay.
(He hands Quagmire the formula to make the drink.)
Peter: Ten dollars.
(Quagmire pays him and makes off with the formula.)
Peter; At least someone's happy with my science.
Lois: I swear, all this because Chris got a good grade in science.
Peter: Actually, Principal Shepherd used his one phone call to call me to inform me that due to Chris's science teachers not believing in failure, he gave everyone an A regardless if they got the answers wrong.
Lois: Really? Well, I'm sure he will deal with that when he gets out of jail. Did he say when?
Peter: Yes, next Sunday at 9:30.
(Lois gazes at the fourth wall in surprise.)
(End Credits)