Notes: Booooy, are we on the other side of the SVU/OC crossover event, or what? Are you still as shocked and awed as I am?
I've been waiting for the episodes to air to get some clarification on a thing or two.
Once again: Thank you guys for reading and telling me how you feel about this story. It's always great to hear from the readers.
This chapter is a bit longer, I think almost double, than the past four. It's not as heavy, trigger warnings for PTSD still apply tho.
Ames, thank you for being my brains when mine were mushy and sleep-deprived from celebrating our beloved characters on screen for the first time in a decade. Thank you for making this chapter better and adding a few lines, correcting my mistakes, adding (much better) suggestions. I'd be lost without you.
Also a loving and warm shoutout to all you lovely women from our discord chat! It was so fun!
Oh, as for Queens: I am sure in canon on the show they sold the house, for my own selfish purposes I decided they still have it, tho. So that's where El and Eli live.
And now I hope you guys enjoy. Let me know what you think and if you're down for more.
By midday Elliot is officially worried. Olivia went through her kitchen cabinets until nine, then took another shower. A long one. There was not a drop of warm water left for him, which was just as well because he'd slept too little. At least after the shower he was somewhat awake. And concerned, because as he stood under the cool spray, she started to scrub the bathroom. Not her usual cleaning routine, no, she'd started compulsively scrubbing the blind spots, every corner, emptying the cabinets and wiping down shelves and contents. He's sure he'd never seen Kathy being this thorough for any annual spring cleaning, but he didn't dare say anything, thinking fatigue would get the better of her sooner or later.
It seems it'll be later. After the bathroom she went through Noah's drawers and closet, tidying out the remaining summer clothing. A stack of t-shirts, a smaller one of shorts, a couple of thin jackets go into a bag for donation. Then, she moves on to her own wardrobe, and he decides, heavy heartedly, that it's enough.
She's sitting on her shins, holding up a dress he remembers her wearing from what seems like a lifetime ago. Simpler times, it crosses his mind. Olivia starts folding it neatly, slowly, making him wonder if she has her own memories about it. He settles at the foot of the bed, still close enough to reach out and rub her shoulder. Turning her head she smiles, but he's wary of it.
"You might wanna catch a break. How about lunch? You haven't eaten."
She looks back at him, dumbfounded, as if this hasn't occurred to her. It's probably been twenty-four hours with no food and too much coffee for her.
"Uh, yeah. Okay, sure." The dress goes into the bag and she turns to him once more. "Chinese?" Her hair is up in a bun and a single strand slips out, falls into her face and settles over her left eye and lip.
He's not prepared for her approval, but he'll take it. Anything to get her away from the self-imposed chores. Maybe some fresh air will help her realize just how tired she is, that she needs some rest. It used to work miracles for his kids when they were little.
"Chinese it is," agrees Elliot and extends his arm. She grabs his hand, he helps pull her up. He comes to stand, and when they are face to face he reaches for her cheek, strokes it. "You okay?"
In her eyes recognition flickers.
"I'm okay, El," she says, and for the first time he sees the fatigue in her features when she glances down between them. "Just trying to distract myself. I… it helped me then. Diversion tactics. When the flashbacks were getting to me."
He's floored. Olivia is completely self-aware. She knows what she is doing. He's still worried, but a little more at ease now that she's talked to him. She seems to have some kind of handle on it.
"Can you promise me to get some rest later? Sleep some?"
"I can promise you I'll try."
"Good enough for me." Gingerly he pulls her close, pressing his lips to her forehead. "Wanna get changed?" She's in sweats, and he wouldn't complain if she left them on. He loves how comfortable she looks in her homewear, but he doubts she'll go out in them.
Looking down on herself Olivia tucks some loose hair behind her ear. "That's probably a good idea."
She slips into a beige sweater and jeans that fit her like a glove. Her hair is down in loose, frizzy waves. She's put on some blush and mascara, just enough to make her look less pale, a little more fresh.
It's a nice day. Late September is treating them well. It hasn't been raining in weeks and the air is still considerably warm. To her favorite Chinese spot it's eight blocks. They walk with their arms interlocked. Elliot curbs her pace, slowing the walk down.
"You wanna hit the park on our way back?
"And let the food get cold?" She sounds distracted.
"We could just pop it in the microwave. I'm gonna pick the kids up around one, then you could nap."
She's nothing but predictable as she stops and looks at him with a slight glare he hasn't seen in a decade, or longer. "El, don't patronize me." It's a warning.
"I'm not," he says easily. "I'm worried about you. I want to make sure you're okay, that you get some rest. That's not patronizing you, that's what I'm supposed to do as your partner, Liv." When she tries to speak he is quick to add: "Don't pretend you wouldn't do the same if roles were reversed. This is really difficult. I'm not going to apologize for caring about you."
She seems to consider how to respond to this, chewing on the inside of her bottom lip. Another thing he hasn't seen her do in way too long. God, he's missed all the shades of her. When she speaks again, she's calm.
"I don't know if I'll be able to nap, so no promises."
"You said that. I heard you," assures Elliot, bobbing his head in towards the direction they are headed. They continue on their way. "I know we didn't make plans for tonight, but I thought maybe Eli and I could stay over. If that's okay with you."
He can't in all good conscience leave her alone tonight, but he also doesn't want to tell Eli he has to stay with Maureen for another night, unless that's what he chooses. It's important to him that his son feels welcome, that he knows he's part of what they are building.
"Well, I don't know. Have you asked Eli?" It doesn't seem like she's averse to the idea, but she sounds cautious.
"Not yet, but I'm sure he won't mind. He could stay with Maureen if he wants to, she wouldn't mind either."
"I'm just thinking… my place is small, it'll be crowded, and I want him to feel comfortable. He has no option to withdraw, no privacy…"
"Liv, it's just for the night. He'll be fine. Unless it's a problem with you…"
"I didn't say that. It's not a problem, he's a good kid, I like having him around."
"Then what?"
"What if he doesn't want to come? Maybe this time he's okay with it. The next five, six times, too. But he's a teen, El. He's 14 and Noah's 8, he… he's going to be fed up with this arrangement soon."
Elliot squints his eyes, wondering where all of this is coming from.
Liv has been worried from the start. At first how Eli will take it, and when he needed some time it had freaked her out, and she was instantly thinking worst case scenarios to the point she catastrophized how a relationship can never work if the kids aren't fully on board.
It hadn't taken much for Eli to come around. He'd never been against the relationship, either. Some confusion about his dad seeing another woman than his mother was fully expected. Eli liked Olivia, and Elliot is certain it made things a lot easier to accept. There was no anger, no acting out involved. What Elliot had seen however, was the emotional struggle, the quiet clutch of desperation. His mom was gone, and someone else was going to take her place next to his father, for all intents and purposes.
They'd talked it through. All of it. Even the cliched 'She's not trying to take your mother's place'. Deep down, Eli said, he knew all that. That, and it wasn't realistic, or fair, to expect his dad to stay alone for the rest of his life. There was an adjustment phase where Eli wasn't expected to come to Olivia's or take part in activities with his dad's new girlfriend and son. But adjustment had come quickly, and the four had been spending more time together.
"We'll figure it out once we cross that bridge, Liv," he tucks her against him, as if it will help to reassure her. "At fourteen he'll be okay alone for a night, or he'll stay with one of his friends. I understand you don't want to come to the house, and I just really don't have the answer here except let's do it like this for as long as it works for Eli. For now, as long as he has his Switch, he's a happy camper."
Something is bothering her, it's not Eli, that's where he's sure. But he can't put his finger on what else it could be. What he does know is that the subsequent silence is deafening.
They reach the restaurant, and order mushroom chicken for him, orange chicken for her, and some spring rolls to share. She hardly says anything on their way back to the apartment. He sets the table as she wearily waits for him. For as enthusiastic as she was about getting food, she's anything but when it comes to eating it. She's merely pushing her rice around with the chopsticks, making a small pile. A few bites make it into her stomach before she pushes the plate away.
"What's wrong?"
Her eyes find him briefly, filled with hesitancy. Her shoulders droop with whatever it is that's weighing her down. "Nothing's wrong."
"Yeah, try again, Liv," he says, not buying it for one second, and the way she visibly falters at the words tell him everything he needs to know. "Look, if you're not comfortable with Eli coming over this weekend, I understand. If you need to be alone..."
"Elliot…"
"It's a lot right now. And it's okay for you to say when it gets too much."
"You really think I don't want him here?" She sounds hurt, her face scrunches up like she bit into a lemon.
He leans back in his chair, looking at her openly. "That is not what I said, it's not what I think, either. I said it's understandable if it's too much under the circumstances. Something is clearly bothering you, and it has been since I asked if we can stay." He cocks his head and reaches out, covering her hand with his. "It sounded like you were trying to find reasons why it's not a good idea," adds Elliot cautiously.
She's awfully quiet again, so he thinks he hit the nail on the head on this one.
"Liv, that's okay," he assures. "It's a lot."
The corners of her mouth drop, and she's fighting the emotions bubbling up.
"You're wrong," she says, her voice thin and tired. "It's not… I don't want to be alone." This, she struggles with.
He suppresses a sigh, because that doesn't get him any further. "Okay." An impatient, unspoken 'then what' hangs in the air between them.
"I'm really just wondering how long all this is gonna work," she admits quietly, and she can't even look him in the eye as she gets up, walks towards the window. Her arms are crossed, and he turns his head, not sure what is happening as she keeps talking.
"I… it's just… I need more, Elliot." Her voice cracks, and so does something within him.
"I don't think I understand."
Instantly he wonders if he's pushed too much. The declarations of love, the coddling, asking if he and Eli can stay. He's astonished. More than that he's scared out of his mind. He walks over, closer, and when he touches her shoulder and she pivots, there's a sad, weary smile on her lips.
"Liv?"
"This is so stupid," she says, chuckling sadly.
"Can you talk to me? You need more. More space? Because I can give you space," he assures.
She shakes her head, swallows hard. His stomach turns.
"More time," she whispers. "With you. With us. I know that's selfish." He can see how nervous she is, when all he can feel is ease. Jesus fucking Christ, for a moment he thought she was going to break up with him. As he breathes a sigh of relief, he pulls her into his embrace. She instantly clings to him.
"That's not selfish, Liv." He mutters against her ear, feeling the tension slipping away from her, from him. He feels the same way. The time they get together never feels like it's enough. He tries to stay over once a week, they get together when they can given their heavy caseloads and the kids. He's in Queens, she's in Manhattan. It's not easy, and he, too, wants more. More time, more dinners, more bonding time, more quality time. Being a full-time dad doesn't make things easier.
"Isn't it?
"Not at all. I want that, too," he whispers, and inhales sharply before pulling back enough to look at her. "We're… we're gonna figure something out." He doesn't yet know how to navigate this, but there has got to be a way. "I'm going to talk to Eli about this, see if… if spending a little more time here is okay with him. Maybe every Wednesday to Thursday. It'll be an early morning with getting him to school, but…." That is a drawback that's acceptable to him. "And maybe we could expand weekends. It is going to be crowded here, but for now it's the best we can do."
She nods at him, as he thinks that it could work-if Eli is on board. They could see each other three days out of seven, dependably, instead of deciding spontaneously whether their schedules allow them to see each other.
"We're gonna do this, okay? One way or another, we're going to figure this out." He kisses her head, and subtly, she leans more into him.
"Okay."
"Let's eat, okay? I know you hate being told but you gotta eat something, Liv. Can't have you collapse with the kids here," he teases.
She chuckles. "Fine. I'll eat."
"That's what I wanna hear."
XXXXXXXXXXX
She doesn't sleep. Elliot left half an hour ago to pick up the boys from his eldest daughter, and if her eyes weren't still puffy and bloodshot, she would have gone with, but she looks a mess, and another woman wouldn't miss it. She's not ready for the questions it's going to raise, even when they wouldn't be asked aloud. She made sure Elliot would tell Maureen she's sorry she couldn't make it. Under different circumstances she would have loved to catch up. It's been a while since they have last seen each other. Three, four months, Olivia thinks, feeling like she should probably get more involved with his other kids. She's always liked them, got along with them, if she doesn't count Richard's outburst of angry suspicion, asking her if she ever slept with his father.
She had coffee with Kathleen after the funeral once, then saw them all for Elliot's birthday in October last year. Since they've been together, she's feeling a little wary, unreasonably scared it's going to be weird as Elliot keeps telling her.
Kathleen sends text, memes, well wishes. She always replies, of course, but part of her is waiting for the other shoe to drop. She's worried they might suspect they had something when they were still partners, and while they have never crossed any lines, never allowed for things to get physical, she knows she couldn't fully deny it at this point. It's not without reason that they've gravitated towards each other so easily after Kathy's death. Not that it was quick, the road to fixing their friendship and rebuilding trust had taken a lot of time, a lot of heartache. But being around each other, finding each other? It had been effortless. He'd call late in the evenings, and sometimes they had talked, but sometimes they'd just listen to each other breathe for an hour of two. She'd fallen asleep to him more times than she can count. A few months in he'd started to show up at her door, empty and desperate, lost. She'd allowed him into her bed. Whenever that happened, they'd only held hands, sometimes each other.
Things had progressed slowly. They'd slipped into a comfortable routine by the time she broke through her barriers and kissed him. After that, nothing much changed, except the level of intimacy. What changed however, was that suddenly she felt very uneasy about the prospect of Elliot telling his kids, of meeting them not as his partner, or friend, but as his girlfriend.
That uneasiness hasn't gone away in the past eight months. She's only just got a handle on it when it comes to Eli.
Eli. With whom, hopefully, she's going to spend more time in the near future, get to know him even better, take tentative steps towards building a life among the four of them. Elliot, Eli, Noah and her.
The idea is a lot less scary than Elliot's upcoming birthday that's sure to take place at Maureen's New Jersey home, accommodating the entire Stabler clan.
She sighs heavily into the room, getting bored with staring at the ceiling. Her eyes burn with fatigue, but her mind won't shut off. She should nap, rationally she knows that. If Eli comes back with Elliot to stay here, no way is she going to get some shut-eye. The threat of having a nightmare that'll leave her fighting and screaming at Lewis' ghost is too great. She can't scare the kid off by losing her shit; it's bad enough Noah had to deal with it occasionally.
She guesses it'll give her a shot at catching up on paperwork. Normally she steers clear of working from home on weekends, but it gives her the perfect excuse not to sleep.
Accepting that rest is not in the cards for her, Olivia sits up, and decides to finish what she started before lunch. Time seems to have flown by, because it's not long before she hears the boys' voices animatedly talking in the entry area.
"Hey," she greets the both of them. Noah instantly rushes over to hug her. She kisses his hair, ruffles his curls. "Hi, sweetie." After a moment Noah peels off of her to get out of his jacket. "Hi, Eli," she smiles. "Good to see you, I was hoping you'd wanna come."
"Hi, Liv," he greets dutifully, a little distracted with his jacket, shoes and backpack.
"Did you guys have a good time? You didn't cause Maureen any trouble, I hope," she asks, eyeing Noah, who shakes his head, rejecting such accusations. Oddly enough the kid knows to behave around others.
"No trouble whatsoever," Elliot confirms. "Matt took them to the movies before they had lunch. Pizza and ice-cream. Maureen strongly suggests they get a proper meal for dinner," he scoffs and shakes his head. "Can't believe I'm hearing that out of my kid's mouth. Same girl that would sneak out at night givin' her old man parenting advice."
"She's a mom now, Elliot. Not your rebellious teen daughter. She's probably praying Ella's not going to give her half as much grief as she did you."
It is amusing, but it's also the circle of life. Kids turn into adults, turn into parents, bound to make the same mistakes while trying to somehow get it right. The thought is comforting in a way, given how many times she feels like a total screw-up of a parent. Noah will, should he decide to have children, feel just like she does, he'll be just as lost, just as insecure. And she'll leave him to figure it out on his own, because every kid is different, every dynamic is different.
"Ella's already feisty as hell. She sure takes after Maureen," grins Elliot with satisfaction.
"You're enjoying that too much, El."
"Hey, I get to enjoy watching the grandmother's curse in action." A bittersweet sadness shadows his eyes because Ella's grandmother will not get to watch her give Maureen hell.
Eli walks into the room, quickly glancing around before dropping his backpack by the couch.
"You remember where everything is, right Eli?"
The boy looks at her but seems to feel a little out of place. "I think so."
"Good. Just make yourself at home," she smiles, inviting. "I was just about to drop a few things off at Goodwill," Olivia lets them know. "I shouldn't be too long."
"Eli?" The teenager looks up at his father, seemingly confused. "Why don't you go with? Give Liv a hand."
"Oh, that's not… it's fine," Olivia brushes off quickly, but Elliot keeps looking at his son, giving a single nod with his head.
"Sure," he shrugs, although he's not enthusiastic about it, making Olivia wonder if making him spend time one on one with her is such a good idea.
"Uh, thanks, Eli. That's… I appreciate it. There's a box in Noah's room, by the bed."
When he goes to grab it, Liv turns to Elliot, giving him a blank stare, sticking her arms out as if asking 'Really? Was that necessary?'.
"Relax," he whispers. "It's gonna be good, he needs a little push sometimes."
"That was shoving. Hard shoving, El," she whispers back with attitude, falling silent when Eli returns with the donations.
"Thanks, Eli. I'll get the rest. Maybe think about what you'd like for dinner, we need to stop by the store real quick on our way back."
She gets the bag of clothes from the bedroom and the sorted out kitchen supplies and mugs, then leads the way to the parking garage. Initially, the drive is quiet. Awkward.
"So, how's school?" It's the lamest question in the book, but it's also safe.
"It's good. School, you know," shrugs Eli.
"Sorry your dad made you come. I bet you had other things in mind, huh?"
"It's cool. I don't mind."
It sounds like he does mind, but maybe that's just him being a teenager, Olivia thinks. Hopes. She glances over at the boy in the passenger seat and once again thinks how he's tall. So tall. She wonders where he gets it from and scolds herself that for a split second it crosses her mind that he might not be Elliot's.
"You know Eli, I really am happy that you came with today. But I also want you to know that you're not obligated to. The apartment's small and the couch…" Jesus, he hardly fits, she realizes for the first time. She needs a new sofa, preferably a pull-out.
For the first time she feels Eli's eyes on her. "I know. That's what dad said."
"Well, good. Okay." This isn't going too well. She's never stumbled through a conversation like this, and Elliot is not there to steer it in a safe direction. Damn him.
Nervously, Olivia purses her lips. "It's probably weird, seeing me and your dad, huh? Together?"
"Not really. Maybe at first." She stops at a red light and their eyes meet. Surprisingly, he doesn't look as annoyed as he sounds. He's just being a teenager, Olivia reminds herself. Then he offers freely: "It's pretty embarrassing, tho. Dad, I mean."
"Is it? How so?"
Next to her Eli straightens in his seat. "Gushes about you to everyone. Liv here, Liv there, my girlfriend this, my girlfriend that," he rolls his eyes at her. "Sounds like he's a fu-," quickly he clears his throat. "-freaking love-struck puppy."
"Does he now." Interesting, Olivia thinks, unable to stop grinning to herself, until it crosses her mind, that Eli probably thinks she's just as embarrassing of an idiot for it and puts a straight face on. But Elliot Stabler gushing? Now that's something she'd die to see for herself. "Want me to tell him to tone it down?" It's impossible to keep the amusement out of her voice.
"Would you?" He sounds hopeful and Olivia shrugs. She's going to enjoy this way too much. In fact, she might not let El live it down.
"Sure," she agrees, smiling over at her fellow passenger.
"You know, you can chill, Liv," Eli says easily. "I'm okay spending time and coming over and all that. You're cool." He waits a few beats as she's trying to keep herself together and not show how much that means to her, how relieved she feels that he doesn't hate it. He'd probably deem it embarrassing, too. "I like you."
"I… thanks, Eli. That's really nice to hear, because I like you, too." The light switches to green and she turns left.
There's a brief silence, and then, as if they didn't just share a somewhat meaningful moment, Eli goes: "So, for dinner, can we have enchiladas?"
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Her quick stop by the store turns out to be a food haul. Olivia decides to make three different sauces for the enchiladas, in part because Eli, as Elliot told her, liked her cooking, in part to keep herself busy. Three sauces means she'll have plenty to do in terms of food preparations and clean up. Busy, she ultimately figures, is good.
The boys are splayed out on the sofa, totally engrossed in Eli's Nintendo Switch that's now hooked up to the TV. Unless their game is paused, they don't take notice of anything that's going on around them, and she wonders how kids can get so lost in video games.
Elliot slides in behind the breakfast bar with her, taking in everything she has purchased as she starts cutting the vegetables for the salsa verde.
"Bit much, don't you think?" She picks up on the hint of concern that hides behind the facile tone of amusement.
"I couldn't decide if I wanted salsa verde, or the normal kind, and Eli said he didn't mind, either way, and I really have been looking for an excuse to try out a mole, so…," she shrugs and lets it hang and quickly lifts the lid on the slow cooking chicken on the stove to give it a quick stir. "I'm making enough for you to take some home tomorrow."
His hands come to rest on her hips as he presses a kiss against the side of her head. It takes every effort within her not to tense when his breath hits her ear. "Thanks. It wouldn't have been necessary, though." He brushes past her and goes for the fridge, grabs a beer.
Releasing a breath, Olivia hasn't been aware of holding, she tries to shake herself out of it without doing so visibly, and focuses on slicing the green peppers in front of her instead. She hates when this happens. She'd last experienced it when she was still with Cassidy, and everything that went down with Lewis was too fresh. She should be able to muster the necessary detachment to not react negatively to Elliot's proximity and touch. But then she hasn't felt this on edge for many years, and she thinks it has a lot to do with being beyond tired and hyper aware of her surroundings at the same time.
"Would you like some wine?"
She glances over at him as he twists off the cap and takes a deep pull of his corona.
"No, thanks, I'm good." She'd like a drink, but if she starts now, she thinks she is either not going to make it through the night, or she won't be able to stop. Both scenarios are less than appealing to her.
"Well, can I help then?"
She shoots him a quick side glance, finding it endearing but the kitchen is small and he's even worse at the cooking thing than she is, so she passes.
"Message received loud and clear," he chuckles, leaning back against one of the counters. "I'm just gonna… watch then," he decides. He doesn't have many options, either, seeing that the TV is completely taken over by the boys, playing Mario Kart.
For a little while she works in silence, until she puts the minced serranos-intended to be on the side for anyone who wanted them-into the salsa. She tries it and curses under her breath.
"Shit. We can't eat that."
"It's okay, Liv. Two sauces is more than enough," Elliot assures her, but she's upset over ruining it, quickly taking inventory.
"No, it's… I can start over, this should be enough for another batch," she tells him, distractedly.
"You don't have to, Liv."
He gently grabs her by the elbow, but she rejects it, shakes him off like his touch burns.
"It's fine, El," she retorts sharply.
Suddenly it's quiet.
Looking around, she takes a deep, calming breath as even the kids have turned their heads to look at what the commotion is about. "It's fine," she repeats. "Sorry."
Elliot looks at her stunned, but there's also worry reflecting in his eyes. He probably thinks she's about to lose her mind with her being so touchy over messing up a sauce. The boys go back to their game straightaway. Elliot however, keeps on scrutinizing her, and she thinks the only reason he doesn't say anything else is that kids are present.
The intensity of his gaze on her every move is scalding, but she works on the second batch of the salsa verde like she's got it under control.
XXXXXXXXXX
By the time dinner is on the table, exhaustion is catching up with her. She hits the coffee like it's water, except this time she's made it extra strong. There's a tremble in her hand as she reaches for the bowel of finely chopped red onion, and he catches it instantly, wondering for how much longer she's going to fight sleep. He doesn't need to ask to know she didn't nap.
"I don't like the sauce. Can I have ketchup?"
Elliot had figured today's cooking would be a little too experimental for Noah. Eli isn't picky when it comes to food, and even he eyes the green sauce suspiciously.
She's up and headed for the kitchen area before he's fully voiced the question. "Sure baby. I'll get it."
Eli, who sits next to him, leans in a little closer, his voice dropping to a whisper. "She's not gonna make that from scratch, too, is she?"
Elliot can't really blame him for asking, her behavior is bordering on bizarre. The last thing he needs is for Liv to hear this, though, so he only dignifies it with a pointed glance at his son, who then, with a little shrug, goes back to his food.
Uncharacteristically, they eat in relative silence, which is quite an accomplishment with a fourteen and eight year old at the table.
There are leftovers for days. While Eli dug in like this was going to be his last meal, Elliot and Olivia hardly ate. She insists on handling the clean up by herself. For fear he'll incur Liv's anger if he keeps watching her, he withdraws and gets some work done, allowing the boys another forty-five minutes on the Switch.
When Liv is with Noah for his bedtime routine, Elliot sits down on the sofa, next to his son who's now playing some game he's addicted to, but that's not age appropriate for Noah.
"You liked dinner then?"
"Uh-huh," Eli manages distractedly, then after thirty more seconds, looks up. "Is she okay?"
"Liv? Yeah. She's just…" He doesn't know how to explain, so he repeats: "She's okay."
"You sure? Cause she's been acting weird."
"She's just tired. It's been a long week. It's nice she made dinner, though, isn't it?"
"Yeah, but really, one sauce would have been plenty. Nobody even touched the green stuff."
Elliot rubs his forehead and sighs heavily, leaning back into the cushions. "Yeah. You're right, bud. But… maybe don't tell her that? She went through a lot of trouble to put a nice meal on the table."
"Dad, I'm not an idiot, okay?"
"I didn't say you were, Eli."
"It was implied," the kid argues dryly, then, goes back to his game.
XXXXXXXXXX
By nine they are finally in the bedroom, alone, making sure Eli has got some privacy in the living room. They share the same bed but at the same time it feels like they are miles apart emotionally. It reminds him of the time when he came back to New York, shortly after Kathy's death, when Liv was so detached, he wasn't sure if she'd ever allow him to make amends.
He isn't sure if it's the pictures, the total lack of sleep and the exhaustion to blame, or if she's pissed at him for saying something earlier. Maybe all of the above. What's for sure is, she's sitting up against the headboard, Macbook on her lap, a few files at the ready in the middle of the bed, as if to make sure he'll stay on his side.
She's got her glasses on, the screen reflecting in the lenses as he looks over at her for a long time. He's debating if he should even try to start a conversation, or if he's better advised to keep his mouth shut and let her be. In the end he decides, some things need to be said. Things he said all too rarely in his marriage, but that Kathy had needed to hear, deserved to hear.
"Liv?" He waits a beat, until she tilts her head and looks at him. "Thank you for dinner."
She scrunches her eyebrows, as if in deep confusion before taking off her glasses.
"I appreciate the effort you went through to make us a nice dinner, and Eli does, too."
"Okay," she says slowly, seemingly thrown. "You're welcome, I guess. I mean, it was just dinner, Elliot."
"That was more than just dinner. You made something Eli wanted, and you went out of your way to make it special. For my son. I'm not taking that for granted, Liv."
"I don't know if I should feel offended or grateful here. Of course I'm doing this for him, why wouldn't I?"
"It's just that… he's not really getting that many family dinners, you know? And even this, it's… it's not the same."
"It's not you and him and Kathy," she declares quietly, and the truth behind her words puts stones in his stomach. Everything has changed for Eli. They didn't return to Rome, he had to change schools, make new friends, learn to adjust to a life without his mother. He'd uprooted his son's life completely, and at the end of the day he wasn't even able to put a proper dinner on the table. So, he appreciates Liv all the more for taking care of it when Eli's here.
"Yeah," he croaks.
"I've been a lonely teen missing her mother." She places a hand on his forearm. "It's the least I could do to try to make him feel welcome."
He nods at her, and then she's focused on her work again. His stomach feels even heavier at it.
"Liv, don't you think you should at least try and get some sleep?"
Distractedly, she answers: "I can't."
"You haven't even tried," he winces. In return she sighs heavily.
"I can't, Elliot. I told you I get nightmares," she states calmly. "I can't… I'll… I'm gonna wake Eli."
He's overcome with love for her, because here she is, terrified to go to sleep because she doesn't want to scare his son. Eli, who has lost his mother just one and a half years ago. Eli, who she feels so fiercely protective of and whom she wants to like her. But at what cost? She needs to sleep eventually.
"Look, Liv," he reaches out, and when he touches her, her fingers still on the keypad. "I get that. But I'm sure it's going to be okay."
"And that's where you're wrong," Olivia tells him. Her eyes are dark when they settle on him. Her voice drops. "I don't think you understand how bad it can get."
"I can wake you up, Liv."
At this she laughs and it sounds edgy and forced before she puts her glasses down once more and scrubs her hand over her face. "Look, I've got a good handle on all of this. Well, normally I do," she corrects and momentarily falls silent, her eyes finding a spot somewhere behind him on the wall. "But when I said I can feel they're going to be bad? I mean really bad, Elliot," she whispers hoarsely. "I'm at a point where I'm inwardly flinching when you're unexpectedly getting too close. I didn't feel that way in a very long time, not since very shortly after it happened." Her eyes fill with tears and she releases a small, shaky breath.
He isn't prepared. Earlier, in the kitchen, there was a fraction of a second where he thought he felt her reacting to him in a way that was completely unfamiliar, but he'd tried to push that away, telling himself she didn't tense up because of him. It couldn't have been something he did.
Except it was. That new reality wrecks him momentarily, and he does what he can to pull himself together and not show her how it affects him. He's supposed to be her safe haven, not another thread looming over her, making things harder for her.
"When Noah was still little? I still woke up screaming now and then. Mostly he slept through it. But one time, I didn't wake up from the nightmare, but because he was screaming. And I have no idea for how long. He was completely hysterical by the time I got to his room and I… I was shaking and crying and I took him out of bed... and I just... held him. And I rocked him." Finally, she makes eye contact again and on each side a tear spills over. "I don't think he remembers it, but I do. And that's not something I'm going to expose Eli to."
He swallows hard at it and nods. Of course he should have thought of that, that her fear stems from a very real place of experience. Once again he's acutely aware of how much he's missed, how many things he still doesn't know about a decade of her life. He can't make her sleep, can't keep the demons from her dreams, either, but it's impossible for him to watch her do this to herself.
"Okay," he says tentatively, wondering how to find an in. "I understand that. But Liv, you need to sleep eventually. You can't pull through a second night with no sleep, no rest?"
"I'll sleep once I'm not going to do this to your son."
"Liv-"
"Elliot, don't. I can't do this with you on top of everything else, I can't sleep, I won't sleep."
He holds out his hand, making sure not to touch her. "Hear me out?" He waits a beat, and she nods once. "What can I do?"
The question catches her off guard, and she blinks rapidly before shrugging her shoulders. "I don't know, El. Maybe keep the coffee coming?"
He's not happy, but if it's the only way he can be supportive, he'll do it. "You got it."
"Thanks." Olivia takes his proffered hand and attaches his knuckles to her lips, a brief, sad smile appearing on her face.
XXXXXXXXXXX
By the time he wakes dawn is creeping in through the bedroom window. Elliot had intended to stay awake with Olivia, but had dozed off around midnight, at least that's when he'd last chanced a glance at the time on the laptop screen. Liv's side of the bed is deserted. The files, the work laptop-they're all missing, as well.
"Shit," he mutters underneath his breath as he takes in the emptiness of the room. His phone reads 5:13. He gets up, quietly padding across the floor, and finds Liv at the dining table, still working while, seemingly, nursing her umpteenth cup of coffee. The coffee pot is empty, and it's certainly not from last night. On the couch his son is still sleeping, stretched out on the sofa, hugging the pillow with one arm.
"Hey," he says quietly upon walking over. When she raises her eyes at him, he can't help but shake his head. Behind her thick glasses, they are huge and bloodshot, telling him she didn't sleep at all.
"Morning," she says back, sounding fatigued. "You're up early."
"Well, you were gone," he points out, pulling a chair.
"It got uncomfortable in the same position for hours." He can tell that she's not being truthful. She couldn't keep herself awake unless she moved, is probably more like it. However, he's certainly not going to call her out on it.
"You look like hell, Liv."
"Yeah, well," she grimaces.
"How much of that did you have?" He nods at the coffee pot.
"I honestly don't even know." A sheepish half-smile appears, and it disappears just as quickly.
"Why don't you go and lie down for a bit. I'm not asking you to sleep, just…"
"Actually, I need some fresh air. I wanted to go and get bagels for breakfast."
"You look like you can hardly stay on your feet, Liv."
"I'm okay. I've got gallons of coffee in me, I'll make it three blocks down to the bakery," she jokes.
It's not funny. In fact it worries him more than he cares to admit.
"You've got time, Liv. The boys are going to sleep for a couple more hours."
"I really just need some air, Elliot. Okay? I'm fine. Tired but fine."
He doesn't like it. He's worried, because sleep deprivation is not a joke, but at the same time he knows she's had so much coffee, she isn't possibly going to sleep within the next couple of hours. So, he decides, he might as well let her go.
"All right. Can I come with, though?" While he expects, to some degree, a lack of understanding, Olivia's face softens.
"Sure." she says, reaching out to wrap her hand around his fingers.
"If I take the boys out later, do you think you could grab a few hours?" The weather is supposed to be nice enough, and he intended to get Eli away from that game console anyway. Like many teenage boys, he's spending too much time in front of it for Elliot's liking.
"Like you said, I gotta sleep sometime," she gives, lips pursed. "I'll at least try."
"Good. Thank you." He gets up and so does she, and where he is unsure if he can just close in on her, she gets in his personal space and attaches her lips to his in a soft kiss. She tastes like strong coffee and, surprisingly, a hint of brushed teeth.
"I'll just hit the bathroom and get ready. The place doesn't open until six." Olivia excuses herself.
The stroll to the bakery, fingers loosely interlaced, is the most relaxed Elliot has seen her-sagging exhaustion and all-since he picked up that godforsaken camera.
By the time they're back, the boys are parked in front of the television again, despite the early hour, shouting instructions for navigating Rainbow Road. Noah turns to greet them and his King-Boo-driven Kart plummets to its doom.
"Aw, man," he whines as the game music signals his loss, then climbs over the back of the sofa. "Fresh bagels! Eli! They got us fresh bagels! Is there strawberry cream cheese?"
"Of course there is, Champ," Elliot assures. "You gonna help me set the table?"
"Do I have to?" All of a sudden his abundant enthusiasm is nowhere to be found. Instead Noah frowns.
"Well, do you want bagels?"
The boy sighs theatrically as Elliot moves towards the sofa. "You, too, Eli. Disconnect that thing, will ya?"
Breakfast is a quick affair, and once it's cleaned up and the kids are dressed, Elliot takes them out, so Liv can get some sleep under the premise that he'll call before they get back.
He engages the boys for four hours, hitting the park first, then a few stores the boys were interested in. They go for lunch, and he gets something for Liv to go before he calls her like she made him promise. Liv, however, doesn't pick up. Not even when he hits redial for a fifth time, which leaves him worried and anxious to get home. In a best case scenario she's asleep and didn't hear the phone, or maybe she has it on silent, it crosses his mind.
At home the bedroom door is closed. He tells the boys to get the Nintendo if they want, giving himself and Olivia some time. She's not in the bedroom, but he hears the hiss of the shower coming from the bathroom. Gently he knocks, but there's no answer, so he steps in, finding the room in thick, stifling fog.
"Liv, we're back," he says carefully, trying not to startle her.
"Okay." The shower is turned off, and she grabs the towel she's draped over one side of the stall, stepping out as she's wrapped it snugly around herself. Her hair is wet and dripping. She looks no less tired than before.
"Couldn't sleep?"
"Two hours or so," she smiles, disheartened. "Had a nightmare then and didn't think it would be smart to try again."
"I'm sorry."
"Not your fault, El. It's not a surprise. Did… did you guys at least have fun?"
"We did. Eli taught Noah some more soccer moves, we did some shopping, had lunch, that kinda thing. We brought you back some salad."
"I don't think I can eat just yet. Feeling a little queasy," she explains, then adds almost casually, "Threw up earlier."
"Shit. Are you all right, Liv?" He walks closer as she rubs her eyes with the pads of her fingers. She's trembling and doing that measured breathing he doesn't remember her using, the weight of the dreams hanging about her like a cloak.
"I don't know. Yes. And no. I'm just so, so tired." She steps up to him and nuzzles her face into his neck, her hair wetting his sweatshirt.
"Of course you are," he mutters, snaking his arm around her. "We're gonna go lie down, okay? Just for a bit, so you can get some rest. The boys will be fine with their video games. Come on." Gently he nudges her towards the bedroom, grabbing a smaller towel for her hair. Luckily, Olivia doesn't protest. She allows him to guide her towards the bed. She sits down at the foot, looking up at him through dark, fatigued eyes.
"May I?" He holds up the towel and, depleted, she nods, letting him dry off the excess moisture of her hair. When he removes the terrycloth, her head bumps against his abdomen as she exhales heavily.
"Can this just be over?" She breathes. "I just want to make the last forty-eight hours undone. Can we do that?" Her arms slip around his waist, holding on to him when there's nothing else she can hold onto.
He wishes they could somehow turn back time, wonders if she regrets viewing the pictures. Unfortunately, they both have learned the hard way, that there is no going back. He puts both hands on her shoulders, stroking up and down her arms.
"I'm sorry, Liv. But it's gonna get better."
"I know." The words are heavy with exhaustion, yet laced with the vulnerability that's crept in over the last hours.
"Let's get some rest."
"Promise to wake me up when I fall asleep?"
"The second you so much as stir, Liv."
She seems to contemplate this before letting go of him. Looking up she nods in agreement. „Okay. I'll get dressed."
He steps away from the bed, giving her a moment of privacy while letting the boys know they'll be in the other room should they need anything, but not to disturb if not necessary, since Liv is tired. Noah's only concern is whether they can play with the Switch again, which Elliot, under the circumstances doesn't mind, but tells Eli in all seriousness to leave that Zelda game in the box, as Noah is too young to play it and watch him play it. He makes a small pot of herbal tea for Liv, to hopefully help her settle down with all that caffeine still pumping through her. By the time he returns to the bedroom, she's on the bed, dressed comfortably in sweats and a plain white t-shirt.
Even after having slept he can see the two nights she's missed out on proper rest in her features, in the way she's slumped against the headboard, thumbing her iPhone screen.
"I made you some tea." He puts the pot and her favorite mug on the nightstand, pouring her some, the aroma of chamomile and fennel scenting the room.
"Thank you." She looks up and puts the phone down.
"Work?"
Olivia shakes her head no. "Rollins. Just wanted to check in."
"That's nice."
"Yeah. I'll… um… I'll have to thank her for… keeping this under wraps. She um… followed up with the clerk at the photo shop, let him know the investigation was closed."
"Good," Elliot sounds non-committal, but deep down he's relieved Amanda thought one step ahead. The last thing they need is an investigation on a case that was never opened, and worse, evidence evaporating into thin air.
He walks around the bed and climbs in on his side, so Liv can choose if she wants to be close, or leave some space between them. She instantly scoots into the middle and rolls over, draping her arm over his chest.
"Eli wants to go to Italy for the summer." He turns his head, finding Liv tilting her head up inquisitively.
"Oh? Well, I guess he misses it. It's… been home for him for a long time."
"Yeah," he sighs, drawing patterns on her back.
"You should go. You were planning to take a couple of weeks off for summer break."
He'd said that, knowing that Liv herself always takes some time off to spend with Noah. His intention had been to open a conversation about the possibility of spending that time together. He'd stalled it only because he hadn't yet got the chance to discuss it with Eli first, which, he realizes, he should have done, because now his son has his hopes up for a vacation in Rome, just the two of them.
"I don't think I will, Liv. Rome…," he shakes his head, trying to find the right words as his heart sinks and soars at the same time.
"It reminds you of Kathy," she says matter-of-factly for him.
"There's that," he agrees.
"What else?"
"I don't think it makes any sense to take him back to something that's never going to be again. I know a part of him held out hope we'd go back eventually and-"
"And you took away that hope when you entered into this relationship with me, El. That hope was crushed for good when he realized you were moving on."
"It was never going to happen either way, Liv," argues Elliot.
"That was your reality. His was that maybe you'd change your mind. When you'd find the person who did this to Kathy. When you'd realize you miss it, too. Anything. You can know something is hopeless and still hold on, telling yourself there's still that chance, however small, however unlikely." The tone of her voice tells him there's something specific she's thinking about, that she is speaking from personal experience. "Maybe he needs that closure, El."
"I took him when I brought all of my affairs in order there," he points out.
"Doesn't mean it was closure, Elliot, come on."
He knows she's right, and yet he isn't sure he wants to be there, be reminded of what he's lost. What he has here now? He wouldn't give it up for anything, and yet, returning to a place where he'd been happiest with Kathy feels... peculiar. Frightening. As if one reality shouldn't exist with the other.
Since he's first seen Olivia again that sense of betrayal clings to him, making him wonder if his feelings and this subsequent new relationship somehow taint the legacy of his wife.
He worries his bottom lip, shaking his head at the war in his own head. "I don't think I can go, Liv," he admits, his voice raspy. "Not with… us."
"What do you mean 'with us'?"
He swallows, sighs, and tenses, unsure how to explain this to her. "There's… guilt there," he reveals. "Because it's you. I left because of you, and I came back here because of you, when I felt ready to see you again and explain in that letter." He didn't want forgiveness or absolution. Not even closure. What he'd needed was for her to understand what drove him to turn his back on her, without giving her the courtesy of saying goodbye. "And Kathy knew. She may have never fully believed we hadn't talked in ten years, but she knew I needed my moment of truth, a truth she'd known long before I was ready to accept it myself. I thought-," his voice cracks and he needs a moment. "I thought I was going to see you at the ceremony, get to say my piece, give you that letter, and go home with my wife."
He hears her swallow and tilts his head enough to be able to see her face, pulling her in even closer, to reassure her. This can't be easy to hear.
"I'm sorry," Liv says thickly, clearing her voice. "I…"
"And I am here now, and I'm heartbroken over losing her, a part of me will always be heartbroken. At the same time I'm… I'm lying here with you, and I can no longer see myself in Italy with her. I can't see what could have been, I don't think I even want to know what could have been." He exhales shakily as his emotions threaten to get the better of him.
"El," she grasps for his hand, squeezes it, and with her touch he tries to blink away tears.
"She once said to me that… if anything should ever happen to her? To go and make things right with you. Whatever 'right' even means." He chuckles watery.
He knows what it means. He could've made things right without the addition of something happening to Kathy.
Olivia's eyes find his and he shrugs, helplessly. "I can't go back with us. I can't take who I am with you there, because I don't want anything to overshadow who I was with Kathy. In Rome."
"You were really happy there," Olivia whispers softly, offering him a small smile that's showing him she's not offended. Olivia, he thinks, has a heart of gold.
"Yeah," he breathes. "We really were."
"That's good, El," Olivia assures him. "I'm… I'm glad you were. You deserved it. You and Kathy both."
He nods, but can't help thinking how their happiness was built on Olivia's grief. He has many regrets about the way he handled things, but knows at the time, he'd felt like there were no options. He'd quit Olivia cold turkey, feeling it was the only way to move on at all, to eventually escape the ghost of what they couldn't be.
"Maybe Eli needs to hear that," Liv suggests, lazily tugging at his hand to get his full attention.
"I think you being the reason I won't go is the very last thing he should hear, Liv," he says earnestly, looking at her like she's out of her mind.
"It doesn't have to be as on the nose, but if he knows how you feel, it might help him understand why you can't go. If you just shut him down with no explanation whatsoever, what good's that gonna do?"
"I'll come up with something."
Liv doesn't miss a beat. "You mean excuses?" Her eyebrow lifts in question, and of course she calls him out, he thinks. "Look, maybe you can figure something out. You said he's still in touch with friends from school there. Talk to the parents, see if he can come visit for a week. He's flown alone before."
"That could work. Kathy was friends with one of his friend's mothers and he'd been on vacation with them once before."
"Maybe this way he gets to be close to what was dear to him, and you still can enjoy your downtime together."
Elliot looks at her, just looks at her, in complete wonderment for a long time, taking her in.
"What?"
"Nothing," he says distractedly. "Just… you're amazing, is all."
"Why, because I can see through your bullshit?" she teases, her eyes briefly lighting up with her smile.
"Among other things." He shifts, moving his body into an angle that allows them to be face to face. "Thanks," he says, his voice dropping. "For listening."
"Thanks for telling me," she gives back, cupping his cheek.
He leans in then, kissing her with gentleness and urgency alike, feeling her fall into it without a moment's hesitation. Her hand slips from his cheek to the back of his neck, pulling him closer as her lips part, inviting him to explore her more deeply. Liv presses into him, searching every bit of proximity he can give. His reaction to her is strong and instant and inwardly he groans, knowing he can't take it further for several reasons. One of them being their boys in the other room. So, when her hand seems to magically appear on his ass, trying to pull him on top, he reminds her that they are not alone, when an even bigger concern is that she can't possibly be in the right headspace for any of where he thinks this might lead.
"The kids." His breath is heavy with need. So is his dick.
"I know," she mutters reasonably against his mouth. He shifts his middle away from her, because any more friction will leave him bitterly frustrated with the situation.
Eventually, it's her who breaks the kiss. He gazes at her, her breath hitting his face. Her rosy cheeks and plum lips are going to be the death of him. Olivia cuddles up to him, getting comfortable in a position that's become perfectly natural for them, allowing him to sink his nose in her hair and breathe her in.
"The second I stir, right?" She reminds him, and he's glad she's okay with getting some sleep just as long as he's by her side and prepared to pull her out of it.
"I promise," he whispers, enveloping her with his body, feeling the last bit of tension slipping from hers.
"Okay," she breathes out.
Twenty minutes later her eyes are closed and her chest rises and falls evenly, telling him she's found sleep. She's peaceful, and he will honor his promise, settling in to watch her, making sure she's comfortable and safe.