Chapter 6

When he came downstairs, Nick was plain and blunt and talking before he even looked at anyone else in the room. "All right, let's hear how it went," he said as he poured his drink.

No one said anything. Nick turned and looked at them.

Victoria sat on the settee with Audra, holding a glass of wine she hadn't touched. Her face was that of a much older woman. Nick was startled. He looked at Jarrod, who stood by the mantle holding a glass of scotch that he hadn't touched. Audra looked confused. Heath looked like he was waiting for a second shoe to drop.

Nick adjusted his attitude and rephrased his question. "What is it? What's happened?"

"Sit down," Jarrod said.

Nick did not sit down. He just stared.

Jarrod left his drink on the mantle and walked closer to his brother. He couldn't struggle with what to say anymore. He just had to say it. "Belinda came to see me today. What I'm about to tell you is going to upset everyone in this room – except Mother, I already told her – but I want you to know that it's also upset Belinda's marriage."

"I don't care about her marriage," Nick said, glaring. "Just say it."

Jarrod stared back at the angry hazel eyes. "Belinda told me – and she just told her husband last night – that the real reason she left here seven years ago was that she was having your child."

Nick's eyes went from anger to startled disbelief and back again. He stood there like a volcano about ready to erupt but not quite there yet. "Where's the child?" was all he asked.

"She left him with the Sisters of Mercy," Jarrod said. "They have a completely anonymous drop off and that's where Belinda left him. She doesn't remember the date she did it. She left nothing with him to identify him. The Sisters would have taken him in, taken him to the home for unwed mothers they're associated with, and they would have found a home for him with a good solid family."

Nick's demeanor didn't change at all. "How do I find him?"

"You don't, Nick."

Nick slammed his drink down and grabbed Jarrod by the shirtfront. Jarrod got his hands under Nick's arms to push him off. Victoria and Audra shot up off the settee, and Heath jumped in to wrench Nick away from Jarrod.

"Nick, attacking me isn't gonna help anything!" Jarrod yelled into his brother's face when he pushed him off and Heath held him back from coming at Jarrod again. "There is no way to identify that child or where he went! No way at all!"

"If I have to search through every kid – "

"No!" Jarrod yelled. "You will not! You will not disrupt the lives of a half a dozen families and you will not disrupt the life of the family who took your son in!"

"If you're not gonna help me, I'm gonna go get Belinda!"

Jarrod grabbed him now. "No! You're gonna leave her alone! You're gonna leave all of this alone!"

"I'm gonna find my son whether you help me or not!"

"Nick," Jarrod tried to sound more calming. "The Sisters have a policy of complete anonymity – complete. They don't keep records and the records of any adoption in the court are sealed."

"You have pull," Nick said. "You know people. You can get records unsealed."

"No, I can't," Jarrod said. "In this case it wouldn't work, because we don't know which records to get unsealed. We don't know which baby Belinda left with the Sisters of Mercy. There's no way to know."

"Then we look at every one that was!"

Jarrod grew louder. "Nick, we can't! No court would authorize that, and I won't do it!"

Nick glared like he wanted to kill him. "You won't do it."

"I've spent a large part of my life helping the Church with adoptions," Jarrod said. "I've supported this system of anonymity they built, and the reason I supported it was to prevent the disruption of children's lives. The Sisters do a good job – a very good job – of finding stable homes for the children they serve. It's very highly likely your son has a good home. You can believe that, Nick. Please believe that. Understand, Nick, please understand, I will not disrupt half a dozen families – not even to help you find your son. I won't do it. It would hurt too many people and too many children and even your son."

Nick turned away from him in a huff. Victoria reached for Nick now, saying, "Nick, I understand how you feel – "

Nick glared at her. "How can you? Do you have a child somewhere you don't know where? Do you have a brother who could pull some strings and help you find your son and he won't do it?!"

Nick barged away, not even hearing Victoria whisper, "I have a grandson."

Audra tried to go after Nick as he headed for the front door and Jarrod made a grab for him too, but Heath intervened. "No, let me," he said and followed Nick.

Victoria stood there as limp as a dying willow tree. Audra held her. Jarrod stood staring at the front door as it slammed closed behind his brothers. "I just can't do what Nick wants," Jarrod said, quietly, regretfully. He looked at his mother. "I'm sorry, Mother. I just can't do it."

Victoria just nodded.

Outside, Heath ran and caught up with Nick before he made it to the stable yard. He just grabbed him and stopped him.

"Let go of me, Heath!" Nick yelled. "Let go of me right now!"

"I'll let go of you after you hear me out," Heath said, "but Nick, I'm gonna say something. It might not come out right but I mean well – for you, for Jarrod, for your son, for everybody. Nick, when I was growing up I used to wonder who my father was. I used to wonder and think I really wanted to know. It hurt a lot sometimes but right behind that wondering, whether it hurt or not, I thought what if he came and wanted to take me away? What if he did that?"

Nick relaxed a little bit. He listened. Heath had a perspective nobody else had. It pulled Nick in.

Heath went on. "I changed my thinking right away, every time I thought I wanted to know who my father was, because I was happy with the way my life was. I had people who loved me and made me feel safe and I didn't want to give that up. The love of my mother, of Hannah, of everybody who raised me meant more to me than finding out who fathered me, when I really felt what it would mean if I knew the truth. Now, I don't know if the system Jarrod's part of is the right one, I don't know for sure, but I do know one thing. To a little kid who's six years old, the main thing he needs and wants is security. Being safe. Being able to count on things. I had that and I was smart enough to realize I didn't want that taken away from me. I don't think our father would have wanted it taken away either. I don't think you really want it taken away from your son."

Nick found himself beginning to understand. Now that it was Heath saying it, now that it was real and not just some abstract theory Jarrod and the Church were working with, but God, it hurt. It hurt so bad. His head was spinning in all kinds of directions. His understanding was still full of doubts. "But what if he's not secure? What if he isn't safe?"

"Jarrod said there's a big likelihood he's with a good family taking good care of him. He believes that, and he oughtta know."

Nick shook his head. "Heath, if I could just know if he's all right. If I could just know if he needed me."

"How many families are you ready to shake up to get that, Nick?" Heath asked gently. "How much are you ready to do to your own boy's life to get that?"

Now Nick hesitated. Now he didn't know what he wanted.

"Jarrod understands the disruption that's bound to happen, Nick," Heath said. "Maybe because the Sisters made him understand it but I understand it because it was part of my life for real. Jarrod's spent a good chunk of his life learning to understand it and making sure kids had what I had. Love. Stability. Good upbringing. If you're asking him to go against that now, aren't you asking him to risk a lot of kids' lives? Aren't you maybe asking too much?"

Nick just stared up at the sky now, his eyes filling up.

Heath knew he was getting through. "I'm just saying there's a lot more involved here than you and how you feel. We're all involved. Your son is Mother's grandson, her only grandchild. What do you think she wants for him? Jarrod knows how it is to be partly responsible for finding a lost kid a good home. What do you think he wants for his nephew? I'm just letting you know that I know how it is for a little kid whose main worry in life is losing the love and the good home he has. What do you think I want for my nephew? Nick, what do you really want for your son?"

"The same," Nick whispered.

Heath put his hand on Nick's shoulder. "Remember something else, Nick. When I was old enough – when I felt secure enough with myself and I had the information – I came looking for my father, and I found him. I was ready. Your son is six years old. He's not ready, but someday he might be. Maybe you can't find him, but maybe someday, like me, he'll find you."

Nick relented. He looked into his half-brother's blue eyes, and he nodded.