The first month in Thirteen feels awful.

I spend it all tied to a medical bed in a white room twice the size of my Capitol cell. The walls have slits in them for the medical and scientific teams to watch me through. It feels like nothing's changed- like I'm still in the Capitol.

I constantly have IV tubes in my arms, but it's morphling running through my blood instead of tracker jacker venom. They're trying to reverse hijack me. It's almost as bad as the original process. I have three versions of some memories and I don't know which of them is real. They insist the third versions are the real versions of each.

Beetee's the first familiar face to come see me after my attempted murder of Katniss- he has a wheelchair now. He tells me that he's in charge of the team working to restore my memories to their correct forms. He tests me about what I remember from during the Games and he either nods or amends what I reply with.

"So, Haymitch, what do you remember about Katniss and Johanna going off with the wire?" He asks me. "What did I say then?"

"No, stay here or I'll make sure you're electrocuted too."

"Alright, fine. They do have Finnick…"

"You threatened to electrocute me." I say uncertainly.

"Not quite." He shakes his head patiently. "Try again."

I sigh in frustration and close my eyes.

"I'll be fine. You should go help them too. I think the Careers are too busy to come here."

"You told me the Careers wouldn't bother you and that I should help the others." I recall.

Beetee nods. "That's right. You're doing better, Haymitch."

"I don't feel like I'm doing any better." I tell him. "Everything's always changing. I don't know who to trust. And I've already nearly killed Katniss once."

"That's not your fault." He assures me, pushing his glasses back upright. "When you were there, in the Capitol, did you know what they were doing to you?"

"I found a book in Snow's library." I admit. "They were using tracker jacker venom on me, changing my memories. I told myself that I would hold onto that, if nothing else. But it's hard. I had no way to resist it."

"If you're ever not sure if something's real or not, ask around. Someone's bound to know."

"When I'm cooped up in here all day?" I retort sarcastically. "Sure, I'll ask you when you come back in a couple weeks."

"How about I ask Finnick to come in tomorrow?" He suggests. "Would you be alright with that?"

"Yeah." I say. "He's okay."

*X*

By the time Finnick arrives the next day, I've already come up with a question to ask him- one that's actually unrelated to my whole memory crisis problem. District Twelve and why no one's even mentioned it to me since Johanna, Annie, and I were rescued.

He's understandably cautious when he enters the room. Word of my choking Katniss would have spread quickly. That and, well, it's been a month. But I see a light in his eyes; he's happy to see me.

"It's good to see you." I say when he refuses to be the first to speak.

"It's been awhile." He nods. "Since the last night in the arena."

"Yeah." I remember. "And that went drastically wrong."

He grimaces, but agrees. "It did. We were lucky to get out of there alive."

"Sometimes I wish we didn't. Everything was so...horrible afterwards."

"That's what I thought, until I saw Annie again. It'll get better soon."

"How have you two been?" I ask.

Finnick smiles a little, looking almost like a lovestruck boy. "We're going to get married."

"Congratulations. You deserve it." I tell him. "I would come, but no one really trusts anything going on in my head right now. Myself included."

"You'll get better."

"Do you really believe that?"

"I do." He nods. "Katniss and Peeta do too. They all do."

"They're listening." I spot a small audio device in his ear.

He doesn't deny it. "They are."

"I don't trust them."

"You will, one day. They don't want to hurt you. You're safe here."

"How can I trust them if I can't trust myself?" I demand, my voice rising slightly. "I'm tired of being told everything will be fine. It's not and it won't be. I'm like a mutt- uncontrollable, destructive...I don't trust myself out there any more than I trust them."

"You're not a mutt." Finnick insists. I can tell he's uncomfortable again. His attention seems divided. "You're just lost. Confused."

"No. Stop." I warn, fighting off a surge of anger. "Don't claim to know how I feel. I don't know how I feel."

"Haymitch-" He tries.

"I said stop!" I cut him off. "I'm tired of lies and half-truths. I'm tired of tubes in my arms and being bound to tables. I'm tired of wishing I died in the arena. I'm a mutt. Just have them kill me now and spare a few lives."

I hear a voice tell him something through his earpiece. He retreats back towards the door. But I'm not finished yet.

"Why does nobody talk about Twelve?" I ask, halting him in his tracks.

When Finnick turns back to face me, he looks truly regretful. "You haven't heard? The Capitol had Twelve wiped out after the Quell. Everyone who survived, they're all here in Thirteen. I'm sorry."

He leaves. I stare at the door after him, jaw hanging open as the news sinks in.

District Twelve is gone.

*X*

A screen is moved into my holding room. I'm allowed to see almost all of the propo shots recorded to gain support to the rebel movement.

I see the whole recording of Katniss walking through the ruins of Twelve, of Gale describing what had happened. It's what I saw during my final interview in the Capitol. I'm not sure how I didn't realize where she was sooner.

I learn about District Eight. About the hospital of wounded people formed after a Capitol attack- about how Snow had the hospital bombed, hundreds of people killed, just because Katniss visited it. I pity them for dying just because they saw someone's face. It wasn't really their choice- just like it wasn't the choice of most of the tributes in the past Games.

I witness a recording of Finnick giving a speech the night that a six man team broke into the Capitol to save me, Annie, and Johanna. I find that he's right in everything he says; poison is fitting to a snake like Snow. I hope the sores in his mouth kill him.

But that's not all I'm shown.

The full, raw footage of the third Quell is played to me. The true footage.

I learn that the person who attacked me at the Cornucopia was the male from District Nine, not Katniss. I learn that she didn't try to convince Finnick to leave me to the fog. I learn that my shoulder injury was because Johanna mistook me for a Career, not because Katniss was angry I survived nearly drowning.

I learn that I really shouldn't mistrust Katniss and Peeta as much as I do.

But there are still the unfilmed, unwitnessed memories that can never be fixed…

Beetee thinks it's still enough for me to be able to talk to one or both of them. "Which of them would you prefer to speak to first?"

I tell him that I don't think I'm ready.

He insists that I'll never move on if I don't talk to them like I did Finnick.

I give in and choose to see Peeta first. It was Katniss I nearly strangled, after all. The guilt of that still weighs on me.

When he stops by, Peeta tries to act normal, though his uneasiness does show through the facade. "Hey, Haymitch."

"Peeta." I try to sound cheerful, but it's not working any more than his attempted normalcy.

"How have you been?" He asks.

"I've been better." I shrug, despite the restraints rubbing against my arms. "It's boring in here, really."

He nods in understanding, coming a little closer to my bed. "Listen, Haymitch, I don't know what's been put in your head about Katniss and I, but I'm sorry about everything you think we did. We don't want to hurt you. And I don't think you want to hurt us either."

"No." I really don't want to hurt either of you. I grimace at the memory of my last interaction with them. "How's Katniss?"

"She's okay." Peeta smiles a little to reassure me. "Coin's sending us to Two in a couple of days."

"What're you going there for?"

"Katniss wants to inspire them into joining our cause."

"I wish you luck then." I comment. "That place is flooded with Peacekeepers."

"We don't plan on getting near them." He assures me.

"That's a great idea."

We talk a little more.

I ask him about Johanna and he tells me that she's recovering and that she's looked better before. That one earns a chuckle out of me.

We talk about Twelve. He asks me if I lost anyone in the bombing. He grins and shakes his head at my reply. "Only the alcohol sellers." I learn that Coin has a prohibition on alcohol down here in Thirteen.

It's almost like old times, the two of us getting along like this.

Then things get serious again.

"I owe you, Haymitch." Peeta tells me. "If you didn't volunteer, I'd be where you are right now. I can't imagine going through that, not knowing what's real and what isn't. I wish there was some way I could make it up to you."

"Peeta, I volunteered. I orchestrated a whole plan to get Katniss out of that arena. I knew the risks. It's not your fault- you don't owe me anything." I assure him. "You shouldn't blame yourself for choices I made."

He nods. "It's some form of survivor's guilt, I guess."

"Well, I don't hold you at fault, so neither should you."

"Okay. I...Thank you, Haymitch."

When Peeta leaves, Beetee congratulates me on how well I did with him. It's a big step up over trying to strangle him during our last encounter. He's confident that I'll do well when Katniss comes to see me. I can only hope he's right; I still don't fully trust myself. I doubt I ever will again, not after what I've already done.

*X*

Beetee decides to test me himself one more time before allowing me to speak with Katniss. I don't blame him. Better safe than sorry. But seeing so many faces after being mostly alone, save for the scientist teams trying to restore my memories, is a bit overwhelming. I wonder what it'll be like to go out and be fully integrated with the rest of the Districts when I'm finally let out of this holding room. It'll be odd, being among so many unfamiliar faces. At least in here I know almost everyone who comes in to see me.

"Alright, Haymitch, are you ready?"

"I don't get much of a choice."

"Why did you volunteer for Peeta?" Beetee asks.

I don't hesitate. "Because Katniss asked me to."

"Very good. What did Finnick do on the first day of group training?"

"He picked on the other tributes. Got one to attack him."

He nods. "And who was the first to attack you in the Quell?"

"K- No." I catch myself. "The man from Nine."

"And the spile? Who sent that?"

"Peeta."

"Who hit your shoulder?"

"...Johanna. With an axe. She thought I was a Career."

"Minimal hesitation." Beetee notes, impressed. "I think you're ready."

"You should give me another injection of morphling, just in case." I advise.

"A morphling addiction is the last thing you need." He shakes his head. "Besides, we need genuine reactions from you."

I sigh and nod in consent.

"Do you want to put it off until tomorrow?"

"They leave for District Two tomorrow."

"Do you want to wait until they get back from Two?" He corrects himself.

"And stay locked in here for another week?" I ask, shaking my own head. "Let's get this over with now."

"Very well." Beetee agrees. "As soon as I leave, she'll come in. Is that alright?"

I nod. "Yeah."

I watch him turn in his wheelchair and roll back towards the exit. He vanishes into the darker room. I can hear talking through the open door. Then the Mockingjay enters.