Acceptance – part 2

It was near the fifth year of his death anniversary that Tenten had her most significant setback.

She woke up late that day and rushed to her training ground before Lee could notice her lateness, hoping she could avoid the thousands of laps around Konoha he was sure to punish her with. After training with Lee, she then went to give her latest report to Kakashi-sensei. Just after lunch, she met with Hinata, Sakura, Ino, and Temari so they could soak in a hot bath and catch up after months of not being able to see each other with their lives taking them down different paths.

Finally, she went by her favorite sesame dumpling place, brought a large order, and headed back home, where she indulged in her comfort meal. Tenten sighed contently before preparing her outfit for the morning. She shut the light, but as she got into bed, she had this bizarre feeling of having forgotten something. She woke up to check twice if the door was locked, tried to remember her tomorrow schedule, was there a meeting she forgot?

Only when her eyes rested on the picture of team Gai on her bedside table did Tenten realize it was the first day since his death that she spent not thinking about him at all. That in her hurried state this morning, she even forgot to go visit his grave before starting her day.

Guilt gripped her stomach.

As peculiar as it was to Tenten, it felt like she killed him a second time. Like not remembering him today killed his memory and the precious comfort she took in knowing he lived on in her grief. She woke up and instantly got dressed. Before closing her closet, her hands rested on Neji's blouse she had taken a few years back, when she emptied his room with his family. Hesitantly, she picked it up and wore it over her tank top. She then ran to his grave, arriving, panting, slouching down on her knees in front of him.

She didn't want to cry anymore, it felt like an overplayed song. Nevertheless, here her sorrow was. Despicably unignorable, unavoidable. More alive than it used to be, almost reminiscent of how it had been, at the very beginning, five years ago.

She looked at his name. Furious at herself for forgetting him, mad at him for putting her through this.

"What is this?" She sobbed out of sadness or anger she couldn't discern anymore.

"What is this, Neji?" She repeated, her voice frail. "Why am I still like this? After everything? Why am I still a whimpering mess because of you?"

"I hate you sometimes, you know." She kept her gaze fixed on his name. "I hate I care so much, I hate you're now too far away for me to run up and catch up to you."

She waited before adding: "I hate that I love you the way I do."

She stopped to wipe down tears with the sleeve of his blouse, looking up at the clouded, starless night sky. She wanted to yell at the sky, scream at the world. So it could reach him, somewhere, anywhere he was. For only heavens knew where he was now.

"I hate you," she whispered, holding herself. "Hinata, Ino, Sakura, Temari.. they all got their happy ending, and, and …" She whimpered. "And where am I now?"

"I spent my younger years running after you, checking up on you, worrying about you, looking up to you, catching up to you." She blabbered. "And now, it seems I still can't stop turning around to you, all the time."

She took a deep unsteady breath before releasing the aching cries pushing at her throat.

"What could have I done more?" She pressed him. "I always prided myself on knowing you inside out. Did I miss something? Did I miss something behind those eyes of yours? Eyes that were always treacherously quiet like troubled water running cold; did they hide an unknown storm you tried to weather? That I could have sailed through with you? Was I completely oblivious to something? If I had known how easy.." She heaved. "How easy it was for you to throw your life away, I would... I would have…"

"I don't know." Her hand covered her eyes, slightly pinching her nose, feeling the warm liquid of continuously flowing tears. "I would have loved you more, letting my walls crash at the shore of your soul, engulfing myself in all your secrets you so painfully kept buried, hooked my heart to yours, hanging on to each of your breaths, never letting you go. In a hopeless attempt to keep you… alive… next to me." Her words spaced with shaky breaths, surprising even herself by the intensity of her declaration.

"Before you went away," She wept her voice frantic. "Was there something I could have said to make your heart beat better, your mind think clearer? Make it all stop, all that was hurting you? All that made you believe you needed to sacrifice yourself? So you could redeem yourself, free yourself?"

"Tell me!" She shouted desperately. "Tell me, Neji." She sobbed. "Tell me what I could have said? What I could have done more?"

"Was there something I could have said? So you'd still be here?" She bellowed. "All that has been left unsaid between us, it kills me. Never even got the chance to say a last goodbye. I – I would have told you so many dreams, so many secrets had I been given a last chance to.. to have my voice reach to you… to have my touch extent to you, holding you one last time, rambling on all the things I wished you'd knew, of all the things I wished for you. I wouldn't even care if you had no feelings for me. Just drinking in your presence, privileged to see you grow and exceed all expectations for years and years to come."

She paused, letting her sobs echo through the empty cemetary.

"It kills me." She whispered, her throat clenching, almost strangled by sorrow's unseeable hand. "It kills me your mind made you believe your life was so worthless that it was so easy to sacrifice. It kills me you didn't know how much your simple existence made mine have sense, made life worth living, made me love everything you loved about the world and adore everything you silently hated about yourself when you could swear no one knew. But I did. I would have kissed all of those scars; so they could warm your heart like they did mine because they told the tale of the man you became, the man that meant everything to me."

"It's driving me crazy, Neji." She cried, winding her fingers at the roots of her hair. "How could you do this? I don't care anymore." She heaved, resting her hands on his grave again, leaning in on him. "I don't care about the greater good and everyone you saved. Why did you have to leave me alone? I meant it when all those years ago when I said I wouldn't forgive you."

Her head was hanging low between her shoulders, hopeless tears splattering on his carved name, as her weight shifted over his grave, almost not enough strength left to hold herself up from the ground, her arms shaking from anger and sorrowful regrets.

"You should have chosen me. Me, ok?" Tenten whispered candidly, letting go of every shred of decorum, of unsaid thoughts she never allowed herself to say out loud because she was ashamed of how unfair and childish they sounded. "I was there. I was there from the beginning. Way before Naruto, way before everyone else. I was the one who cheered for you in a stadium full of people wishing you'd lose, of knowing, trusting your every move while everyone was surprised at your talent."

"I was always there." She bit her lip. "But now, where are you?"

"I was there," She repeated, her hands clenched, her voice a shrill frantic cry in the cold night. "I was there hurrying up to you to make sure you were alright. After your fight with Naruto, during our first chuunin exam, couldn't you see it in my eyes? How much I cared, how much I loved you?"

"So why," Her voice wavered. "So why didn't I matter in the end?"

"Why did you have to make me feel special? Treating me like an equal when you despised everyone else. Why did you let me in so easily? Why did you care for me? Why did you make me believe I wouldn't be alone anymore, that I found with whom I would be with forever?"

Flashbacks of her and Neji were dancing in the shadows of her mind until it rested, like a frozen picture, on his last moment, his body like a cross, loose hair flying in the wind.

"Why? And for what? For what did you do all that if, in the end, it was only to put me through all of this?" She gestured to his tomb, her lips quivering. "Saying it's for saving the world doesn't cut it anymore."

"I hate you." She pounded her knees. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" She accompanied each of the sentences with her fists hitting her knees before giving out with a jerky exhale.

Exhausted, she laid down on the grass next to his tomb, her head resting just next to the cold stone.

"Hating you," She scoffed, ever so slightly shaking her head in disbelief. "Who am I kidding?"

She gazed at the remaining light the moon emitted, raising her hand over her face, holding the celestial form between her thumb and index. Playing pretend she could hold a world in her hands like he held hers in his.

She let her breathing return to a sane pace, her tears drying on her cheeks.

"Neji, you're the genius here. So, tell me." She murmured, her voice soft as silk. "Tell me, how do I trust again? How do I…how do I love again?"

The question hung the air, heavy, in the quiet night, as she let her hand fall back at her side. She contemplated the departing clouds, giving way to a clearer nocturnal sky, its stars glistening light years away from her, yet closer to her than he would ever be.

"This is it for me, Neji." She whispered after a moment, still moongazing. "This is where it stops for me. You are it. You are everything."

In a flutter of wings, a bird gently rested itself on his grave, near her head. She turned to face the jittery little creature.

"So what do I do, now?" Her question lost into the void of the receding night.

"Not everybody gets a happy ending." She murmured, watching the minute movements of the bird's folded wings. "If you felt like a caged bird, I feel like a flightless one since you're death. The whole world is up for grabs… but I can't bring myself to appreciate something that nurtures your absence so torturingly."

She turned her head back to the sky. "Growing up, you never think you're going to be one of those unfortunate souls. One whose happy ending has been written out of the script."

"All I want is for it to stop hurting, for life to go back to normal. But at the same time, it's everything I don't want. I don't want your death to feel normal. I don't want you to be a tomb in my life."

She put her hands over her face, weary from her monologue.

"Is this the crossroad I am at now? Is acceptance having to choose between missing you painfully, forever, or forgetting you, stop loving you? Deciding between holding on to you or letting you go?"

"I know I'm holding on too tightly," She conceded. "I should move on, but it hurts to even try."

"I don't want to let you go," She swallowed hard. "I won't."

"You're stuck with me." She shook her head in rebellion. "I'm not letting you have a choice on this one, you understand? I'll carry you with me."

"Always. Forever." She swore at the passing clouds, prayed at the hushed dawn.

She let out a deep breath, watching soundlessly as hues of creeping sunlight pushed away the darkness.

"There must be some sort of middle ground where I can move on and still keep you by my side." She let her eyes rest on top of the trees, their leaves rustling in the early morning breeze.

She knew she needed to process that she arrived at a point in her life where her mind was ready to let go of Neji's death as something tragic and unimaginable and was instead an ordinary truth. A reality, part of her daily life, as true and plain as the blue of the sky or the flight of birds. An undeniable, most familiar certainty.

Contrary to other stages of grief, she couldn't grasp how accepting his death could affect her relationship with Neji. Would their relationship stop to be the moment she admitted he was not here anymore? Would he stop being her partner, her best friend, when she allowed herself to stop hurting? With the other stages, she still felt like she kept him alive. Accepting his death meant this was really over.

She pushed herself off the ground.

"I will be back tomorrow morning, as usual." She muttered, defeated, before making her way out.

She walked down the streets leading her back home, hoping to rest a little from the turmoil this relapse brought her. Her steps slowed when she recognized the silhouette of a blond woman she knew all too well, that would oftentimes reappear, visiting her old village.

"Tsunade-sama," She called out softly.

Her idol's head turned to face her, her cheeks still flushed from what seemed like a night spent drinking alcohol, a bottle of sake in her hand.

"How are you, Tenten." Tsunade smiled at her.

When she saw the troubled expression of the brunette, her disheveled state and the dry tears highlighting her cheekbones; even recognizing to whom belonged the white blouse she wore; she simply emitted an "ah" before tapping the empty spot next to her.

"Come, Tenten. Come"

"I understand," Tsunade sighed once Tenten sat down next to her. "I also lost someone I loved."

When Tsunade recounted her story, Tenten felt like an impostor at the idea of Tsunade comparing her grief to hers since she was not entangled romantically with Neji. Her idol had suffered a fate worse than death, her pain was a thousand times greater than hers, and Tenten felt ashamed of her silly feelings compared to the tragedy the former Hokage had to overcome. She thus clarified she didn't lose a lover but a friend and teammate, to which Tsunade said it was not the name of the relationship that mattered but the underlying feelings, that pain couldn't be quantified.

At which point Tenten got the feeling the fifth Hokage was not only talking about her first love or her brother, but also about her former teammate and sanin legend, Jiraya.

"You loved him, no?" Tsunade asked her, waking her from her musing.

When Tenten stayed silent, bitting down her lips, Tsunade decided to not confront the younger woman on her feelings any further. After all, she also had to come to terms with her own unrequited feelings after the death of her long-lost friend, realizing the depth of her love for him only when his smile became solely a figment of her imagination. Realizing that he had meant so much more.

"If you love him, you loved him." Tsunade nodded, reaching a conclusion she felt was satisfying enough. "It doesn't matter if you didn't realize it before his death."

"But I feel that to move on, I need to let him go." Tenten thought out loud. "..To stop loving him." She added more hesitantly, the words still forbidden on her tongue, shy on her lips.

Tsunade scoffed. Tenten raised a brow.

"There are no rules in grief, Tenten," Tsunade said, the early chilly wind helping her sobber up her thoughts. "Accepting his death and resolving your grief does not mean you have to stop loving him. It just means you find a way to go on and function with him not being there anymore."

"It feels impossible," Tenten admitted.

"Haven't you done it the past couple of years?" Tsunade shrugged.

"If you want to continue loving him, continue to do so. I don't see the problem with it." The older woman added nonchalantly.

"I am afraid," The younger Kunoichi hesitated. "I am afraid I will never love anyone as I loved him. That love will never feel right again."

Tsunade smiled at her again, squeezing her hand. "Maybe it never will."

"Did it," Tenten gulped, gazing at golden eyes, lost in a sea of memories older than her. "Did it ever feel right again, for you?"

"I don't know," She mused, her honey eyes gleaming, seeing the past unravelling in front of her eyes like a scroll dropping and unwrapping itself. "Did it?" She whispered, more to her contemplative self.

The last question hung in between them as the sun rays began setting long shadows on the streets. In an hour or so, it would be high enough to wake up the village.

"So what is wrong with loving one man all your life?" Tsunade's question broke their silence.

"Maybe," Tsunade began again, her glance still far away. "Maybe the question you should ask yourself isn't if it will feel right again, but why does it have to feel right again? Why does it matter?"

Tenten threw her a quizzical look.

"Why does it matter if you never love anyone the way you loved him? No one is forcing you to settle down and have a relationship. It seems like you're the only one putting that pressure on yourself. If you don't feel that committing to a relationship will bring you joy because the only man you have ever wanted is dead, then why is that a bad thing?"

Tenten winced at the crudeness of her words, feeling them rest heavily within her, but contemplated them nonetheless. The former Hokage did have a point. In the end, denying her feelings and forcing herself to commit to other men only made her uneasy and uncomfortable. Maybe, what she needed to let go of was not him, but the idea that she had to replace him.

Tsunade took a deep breath, looking at the sky clearing up before pursuing :

"It is not the ideal situation. In a perfect world, he would have lived, and you could be with the man you loved. But the world is not going to end just because it's not perfect. It may not be your happiest ending, but you can still have a happy ending."

Tenten thought it over, thought of her future without Neji, and for once without sadness, just plain objectivity. She couldn't see herself marrying or loving someone else to the same extent she did with Neji, but did that mean she would be sad?

No, no, I wouldn't, she settled.

It wouldn't be ideal, like Tsunade said, she would still miss Neji, but she was still happy with her other life goals. She realized the thing that anguished her most was not the fact she was not over Neji. It was more the fact she pushed herself to be over him, trying to cut the love she bore for him because she thought it was the only way forward. But now she understood, she didn't have to.

And for the first time in years, she could see her future clearly again. Neji lingering in her heart, visiting him and talking to him every day, while she grew stronger to be the great kunoichi and hero she had always dreamed of being. Seeing herself travel, meet with friends, enjoy growing with them, seeing life unfolds and being able to experience everything else it had to offer her.

Her life would be different than her friends, but Tenten was convinced she would grow to appreciate the uniqueness of her circumstances and all the opportunities it held.

"Yes, I guess you are right." Tenten finally deciding to agree with Tsunade.

She won't get to be with Neji, she won't get to be his wife or have his children, but that didn't mean she couldn't be happy, that the world would end. It would continue turning, and she would continue learning and getting stronger and loving him. And that would be enough.

Tenten smiled, her head down, sighing in relief, finally ready to accept his death because now she knew it didn't mean having to forget him nor having to stay in self-induced penance to remember him.

She looked back at her idol, eyes shining with newfound peace and determination she hadn't had in so long.

"Thank you," she smiled.

Tsunade smiled back fondly at the young woman. She could see a little bit of herself and the pain she had gone through, once, twice, thrice... She put a hand on the younger woman's shoulder, her amber eyes softening.

"You'll be alright, Tenten." She predicted. "You will become a fierce kunoichi."

While she never committed to a relationship, she still had flings here and there. She enjoyed sex and she never had a problem finding interested partners. She was always down for a good flirt and after years of dealing with an emotionally withholding man like Neji, she became very fluent in teasing someone to extract her wanted reaction from them. In their case, sexual tension. She'd throw them a knowing look, a seductive smile, make a few jokes that alluded to sex but never quite frankly mentioning it, so it would be on their minds while she played innocent to their changing state of arousal. Then when she got them right where she wanted them, enthralled at her every word, eyes shifting from her licked lips to the necklace she would 'unconsciously' play with, right above her cleavage to her half-closed glazed eyes…

She'd break the charm, laughing amusingly at something she just remembered, inconspicuously grasping their arm, then letting it rest on their tights, closing in dangerously, hearing them ever so slightly swallow their saliva harder. She would lift her eyes, looking at them, brazenly, through her luscious lashes.

It usually didn't take more than that. Sometimes, just smiling back was enough to get them riled up. Men, after all, could be very simple creatures. Most of the time, she'd be gone before they could even get their senses back after their intercourse. She wasn't the fastest kunoichi of her age group for nothing.

One of her rare exceptions was with Shino; because he was a friend she trusted, she would usually spend the night with him. It first started after they had finished a mission together, a few months before he became a teacher at the academy. They went for drinks and one thing leading to another, Tenten's back pressed against the wall of her room at the inn they were staying at, her legs wrapped around him.

It was not the last time that it would happen as they found a sort of silent agreement in their new, odd, unexpected relationship. They both appreciated being able to share this kind of intimacy with someone they knew but not too much, enough to trust, not enough for it to be weird, and mostly, who shared the same lack of interest in a relationship that required obligation. For Shino was simply not interested in romance while he strongly suspected Tenten's heart had been taken a long time ago.

It is not like she pushed herself to stay in love with her departed teammate, but the heart had a mind of its own. She had tasted something once, and everything was dull compared to that and didn't substantiate her committing to anyone else but him and the shreds of his memory still walking by her side.

Shino had questioned her once on her lack of serious relationships; even though they usually appreciated the silence of the aftermaths of their impromptu 'training' sessions, they would sometimes have some pillow talks about trivial things. Though, it was the first time one of them asked a personal question to the other, so Tenten was a bit surprised.

Tenten laid back on her stomach with the covers pooling over her butt, her head resting on her arms, facing the opposite side of the man she was in bed with. She stared absentmindedly at the window next to her side of the bed, taking in this winter night, following the spiraling pathways of snowflakes as they gently floated down on already white-covered streets and rooftops.

Tenten savoured the first snows, as rare as they were in Konoha, mesmerized by how it would glisten under the moon. She cherished snowy nights even more. In stark contrast to the ink-tainted sky, the calming white felt oddly comforting, almost like déjà vu, like his eyes through strands of his hair.

"I'm not against it. I'm just not actively looking for it." She finally answered nonchalantly. "If the shoe ever fits, I'll wear it, but for now, my happiness does not come from that."

Shino had nodded, lying on his side, watching Tenten's skin's smoothness uncovered under the moonlight, her expression impossible to read as her teeth played with her bottom lip. Shino would think it was not uncommon in their line of work to never settle down. But as his eyes shifted on her form, something told Shino the shoe had already fit a long time ago and she just didn't feel like wasting her time in an area she could never truly feel satisfied in again.

He probably made this educated guess because of how many times Hinata would exasperatedly tell her ex-team when they reunited how Hiashi was still trying to match Tenten. Even after multiple firm refusals, having as far as thrown an arsenal of weapons at a suitor sent to her house with flowers.

There was a secret boundary to Tenten's love life that was not so secret to others, an unspoken rule that became evident to anyone attentive enough.

Tenten would never date or as much return a look to a Hyuuga man.

Of the dozens of men she had flirted with, no one could ever recall her doing so with someone from Neji's clan. This was not news to anyone remotely acquainted with the weapons mistress. Even when they started the conversation first, showing clear, unmistakable interest, even when they were unashamedly flirting with her; it wouldn't take a second before her gaze would advert somewhere else than their pale opalescent eyes and walk away, smiling or making a light-hearted joke as if nothing had happened. Most people knew that.

Most people didn't know that she averted her eyes so quickly because losing herself into them still hurt. Not as much as before, but the instantaneous pinch was still there.

I will never date a Hyuuga. The fleeting thought would come as fast as it went away, not even existing long enough for Tenten to consciously process it.

But above all, no one knew that she could never date a Hyuuga because they would be a cruel reminder of what she had wanted most and never had. No one knew, not even Tenten, because her avoidant behaviour would already take her far from the Hyuuga man who had yet to know of Tenten, Neji's teammate, the off-limits one.

Though Hinata and Hiashi presumed it, others would never know that their white opalescent eyes would remind her of his constantly. And Tenten didn't know Neji's pearly eyes would still be the last image her mind would conjure to accompany the last breath she took.

His eyes smiling at her, his eyes reading her when he thought she wasn't aware of them lingering on her, his eyes knowing what she needed most and what she felt deep within. His eyes glazing over, half-closed. His curse mark fading, his curse mark fading, his...

"Would you revive him if you could?" Shino asked, staring at the ceiling, breaking her train of thoughts.

Tenten already knew the answer to that question she had tortured herself with so many times, finally understanding why so many well-intentioned persons turned to the dark side after losing loved ones, desperately trying forbidden methods to bring them back. Tenten had toyed with the idea, first as an unspoken hope, then with unadmitted shame and disdain over the notion to resuscitate him.

He chose death and Tenten wouldn't selfishly take away the free will he finally grasped in his last instants. It would dishonour him, and frankly, she was pretty sure he would never forgive her if she did so, caging him again, impeding him from realizing the destiny he chose for himself.

But then again, why would he choose death? Even when her grief became gentle and kind, like a quiet beat purring in her entrails, Tenten could never be at peace with that choice. Fine, he may not have chosen to die but to protect his comrades, but it still left her questioning how he could throw away his life so mindlessly. Didn't it hold more value to him? It wasn't an obvious choice to make. Hiashi certainly didn't have that reflex. Only Hinata did because Naruto was the love of her life. Perhaps that was why Neji was a genius and a hero. For him, the choice of dying for the greater good came more effortlessly, more logically than for anyone else. Still, it left the faintest bitter aftertaste in Tenten's soul.

Tenten sat up on Shino's bed, not aware of him or her surroundings anymore, clutching the covers over her breasts, giving him her entirely bareback. He stared at her chocolate locks cascading down in large curls to the very end of her backbone, in silence, not wanting to disturb the evident agitation his question sparked in Tenten. He wished he could retract it now, not knowing what overcame him. Not realizing, to this day, how deep her love for Neji still ran, even after twelve years marking his death. Though she didn't look pained. She looked calm but confused, almost annoyed. Like someone would when trying to solve an enigma and not finding the answer.

How could he throw away his life so quickly, she would think. When she needed him so much. Would he have hesitated before sacrificing himself had he known how much she would yearn for him?

Would that choice have been this clear and obvious had he known how much he was needed and loved by her?

Did he make the split-second decision so readily because he thought his loss would have the most negligible impact than everyone else? That nobody loved him like Hinata loved Naruto? That he wouldn't leave someone behind, begging all the gods they knew to get him back?

Hiashi's words on him not knowing enough love would reverberate again and again.

Had he been loved and had he known love and understood how crucial his life was to others, to her, would he have hesitated a bit more? Would he have frozen instead of rushing in?

Did he want to die? Did he take this decision even before the war?

Tenten shook her head. She will never have the answers to these questions. Only heaven knows what he's thinking now.

She decided to admit to herself, had she been in Neji's place, she would have done the exact same. They trained, thrived, strived for that, to give their everything to protect the people they loved, even when everything literally meant everything, meant their life and the loss inflicted on their loved ones.

And strangely, this conclusion comforted her because, in a way, it answered her questions.

At this exact moment, as the snow slowed its pace and seemed to almost float eerily in the moonlit sky, Tenten realized that if Neji didn't hesitate to shield Naruto and Hinata, it is precisely because he had known love.

When Hinata threw herself at Pain, Neji couldn't comprehend why she would do that, but he ended up understanding since then. Understanding the meaning of sacrifice and the love for others underlying such sacrifice. Love for your comrades, love for your family, love for your nation.

Tenten was always convinced Neji was the most passionate person she knew, and she always thought he was passionate about becoming more powerful. Now she knew, thinking back on his growth and death, he was passionate about protecting the people he cared for: Naruto, Hinata, their team, his clan, his country.

Tenten sighed in relief and content, drawing Shino's gaze away from the window to her lips.

Tenten eyes closed, peaceful, thankful, the slightest smile tugging at her lips. He had died knowing, showing, experiencing more love than most people would ever dream of. He died for love, for his love of them, for Hinata's love of Naruto, for Naruto's love he bestowed upon Neji during their first confrontation.

Neji knew love. Neji knew love, she repeated, reassuring herself, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

Shino's hands on the small of her back brought her out of her musings and back to reality.

His eyes seemed to ask her silent forgiveness, for he didn't know his question would pain her so. Tenten genuinely smiled at him because, for the first time when thinking about Neji's death, she had tears of joy. Because something that had been underlyingly bothering her since then just resolved itself in a most evident way.

Out of everyone, Neji was the one who found it in the most hopeless place there was in time and history. And he used it to fuel his purpose and she could finally see the beauty in his sacrifice.

Wiping down her tears, still smiling. Tenten finally answered Shino's question: "No."

She could feel Shino's fingers grazing the lowest part of her back, playing with the tips of her loosened hair, right above the dip of her curves. He turned a quizzical look at her before remembering his initial question.

"No, I wouldn't revive him." Tenten finally said, resolved. Then added more softly :

"I wouldn't change a single thing about him."

And at this moment, Shino didn't only guess but knew that Tenten would never find anyone other than Neji. To her, even his absence and the remaining memories of him gave her more than anyone else could.

Tenten was fated to Neji in the most fusional ways, and even if she was still going to live a beautiful, happy, accomplished life; she could never give that place in her heart to a more deserving man than him and nobody else stood a chance to rival how profound and everlasting Neji's influence was to her. Shino doubted even Tenten realized it. Or if she did, she must have been at peace with it for a long time now.

It was not the last time they slept together. But after that, Shino always felt he was a guest, even an intruder, in Tenten's intimacy. Realizing he was only borrowing part of her time and space in this worldly life, now knowing full well her mind, body and soul already belong to someone else, somewhere else. That whenever her body responded to his touch, her thoughts still wandered elsewhere, in a realm that would never be accessible to him, or anyone else for that matter. More than borrowing her attention, he felt he was stealing her before she slipped between his fingers at his every touch.

He almost felt he had to ask permission to Hyuuga, as if he was still here, as if he still lived through her, through her adoration of him. It was such a bizarre and pressing feeling that one day, while he was visiting his grandparents' graves, he couldn't control his feet from making their way to Neji's grave before leaving.

He stood silently before his tomb, uncertain of why exactly he came here.

"I hope you don't mind me stealing some of her time." The words came out, unauthorized, surprising him as he stared at the grave.

Already too far in, he decided to let go of this little truth gnawing at the back of his mind whenever he had unbuttoned Tenten's blouse, traced her jaw with his thumb or gazed in her eyes.

"In any case," He muttered. "I hope you know she has never stopped being yours."

And as Shino departed Neji's grave, so lost in puzzling reflections over his unexpected behaviour, he barely noticed the sound of fluttering wings and rustling leaves.

Thinking it over, Shino understood more what Hinata meant when she came back from a mission with Tenten, Lee, and Kiba, about a year after Neji died. She hadn't smiled like that in a while, and she told them cryptically that as long as there was a Tenten, there would be a Neji.

He didn't understand it at the time because their personalities couldn't be more opposite, but it suited his dearest friend to think so; thus, he didn't ask questions. Now he understood, looking at Tenten, that it was impossible to separate her from her teammate. His lingering presence felt like a halo embracing her, a subtle perfume clinging to her soul.

And he wasn't the only one to think so; all the others seemed to agree. Even Shikamaru, who usually isn't in that kind of nonsense, once told him, when they saw Tenten walk down the streets, that seeing her gave him chills sometimes, as if he expected Neji to turn up next corner. Maybe it was because they had seen them together so often during their youth that Tenten would instantly bring images of Neji too for the rest of their group.

But everyone agreed that, if Neji continued living on in all their hearts, Tenten carried his memory with all her soul.

Tenten would eventually come to the same realization when the kids of her friends grew to become young teenagers passing their first Chuunin exams. One day Himawari asked her with the innocence of a child why she was not married. Hiashi had smiled when she recounted the adorable conversation she had with her. Then she told Hiashi something they both already knew.

"I think Neji is my soulmate."

To which Hiashi smiled and nodded, pleased, almost relieved, that she finally made enough admitted it to herself.

It was the only time in all their time together she was so forthcoming on feelings she wouldn't have dared to voice before because, in the end, she still had no idea how he felt about her, even after all this time, it still felt unrequited. But it didn't pain her anymore like it did before. And she didn't need it to be returned for it to feel valid and comforting.

She stopped hurting a long time ago. Instead, she grew ever so patient with a voracious will to live. Seizing all the adventures she could, seeing all the sights, tasting all the wonders, feel all there was to feel… for she knew one day she would return to him and would have tales to tell. Her heart held no doubt she would meet him again one day.

Death was just him outrunning her again, and she would eventually catch up in her own time.

One day she would join him, be with him, wherever souls go when they go, and she'd run up to him again like she did every day they had known each other.

It was early in the morning, the city was still sleeping, and dawn was lazily stretching itself over a still starry sky. The sound of Tenten steps on the grass was accompanied by the humming of early birds.

She sat on her knees, pressing them on the edge of his grave like she had done every morning for the past fifteen years.

But today, something felt different. Tenten woke up for the third time in a row with uneasiness in the pit of her stomach, a sense of dread she strangely welcomed with calm and peace. And as a habit she was never able to shake away; the first person she wanted to share this with was him.

"Good morning…" She whispered. "Neji."

She couldn't find the right words to express herself, even though she knew it was silly to worry about such things when talking to a grave.

As she pondered over her situation, she gently pressed a hand against her stomach, where her uneasiness rested, while she caressed the edge of his tomb with her other hand. She reminisced the fifteen years she had spent coming to his grave, sharing every single little detail of her life with him.

"So I just came back from my first mission for a long time. Would you believe me if I told you how happy I was to be welcomed by Gai-sensei and Lee? Or that I actually initiated a group hug?" She laughed lightly. "See what you're making me do now?"

-x-

"Hey, Neji. Just got back from a mission with your cousin. You would have been so proud of her; she could definitely give you a run for your money now." She chuckled. "Even Hanabi is improving so much lately, I'm helping her hone her kaiten. She will become an incredible leader. She really looks up to you and Hinata, you know? Your strength and her kindness, she embodies them so beautifully… Anyhow, I learned about your journal entry concerning me. I don't even remember what it had been about... But what are you going to do, now, to alleviate my depression, huh?" She sighed, her ears tuning to the ever-present fluttering wings of birds he liked observing so much.

-x-

"Hey, Neji! Guess what! Naruto went on a mission with Hinata, and they finally got their first kiss!" She squealed at this tomb. "Don't go all overprotective now, ok? Going to haunt Naruto and all? Don't worry, I will make sure he treats her right." She winked, twirling a kunai in her hand.

-x-

"Look, Neji!" Tenten pointed to her hair. "I changed my hairstyle a bit, the first time since forever! I kept the twin buns though, cause I remember one time you said it was 'nice'. That's it and yet it was enough."

Playing with the tip of her braid, she asked him: "What do you think? It's cute, right? I know you wouldn't say so, but I know you'd think it. Look!" She turned around. "Ino helped me with the braid, I'm getting the hang of it also! She also cut my bangs, do you like it?" She smiled shyly at herself. "I hope you do."

-x-

"Good morning Neji... So Lee and Gai-sensei left for a training mission today. Gai-sensei is bringing Lee to visit that old sensei's tomb that died a while back. Do you remember him? In any case, it's the first time in a long time that they did something just the two of them. I think since your death, they tried to leave me as little alone as possible." She laughed. "But here is the great news, I finally succeeded in summoning those robots I was talking to you about. I got the idea from that mission we went on with Naruto where we had to fight off those automatons, do you remember? It felt like such an inaccessible dream the first time I told you about it, but I finally finished the last tweaks today and I'm so excited! My first reaction was to turn to you in the clearing. It still catches me off guard, your absence, that is."

-x-

"So today is Hinata's wedding! The whole village is so invested, you know. Kakashi-sensei had us fight against each other for who gets to attend the ceremony until he realized he could ask other villages to protect our village in the meantime. Isn't this so crazy? Naruto really has a way to bring people together." She smiled, retracing his engraved name. "Lee told us he saw your ghost yesterday. How ridiculous was that, huh? Because you wouldn't go see Lee without coming to see me too, right?" She hesitated. "Right?"

-x-

"Oh, Kami, Neji, I lost my virginity today." She whispered in secrecy, hiding her flushed face behind her hands. "And it was so, so awkward. I know you probably don't want to know about that, but I don't care I need to share that with someone that has the lowest risk of gossiping about it. And if you wanted to protest it, you just had to stay alive. That's your punishment for leaving me alone." She stuck her tongue out. "So it all started when Kakashi assigned us to welcome Gaara, Kankuro and Temari…"

-x-

"Ok, so big updates. Sakura and Sasuke got together. I know." She whispered the last part.

"I wouldn't have thought it possible. Makes you believe in miracles, huh?" She said, staring longingly at his name.

"But that's not even the biggest news! Hinata is expecting! But I guess you already knew that because you are probably watching over them. Well, you better be. Also, Shikamaru and Temari got married a couple of months ago, they eloped to Suna, and Gaara married them. To the great annoyance of Ino, who had already prepared the floral arrangements for a ceremony she planned in Konoha... You could hear her yells from the city square—what a drag for Shikamaru. But thankfully, Sai was there to balance her out. Until he smiled at Temari and told her she looked fatter than usual. Sakura is still treating his wounds."

She laughed.

"Turns out Temari is pregnant too! But again, not the biggest news! Because so is Lee. Let's just say he practiced other things than taijutsu during his training mission with Gai-sensei at the old sensei's tomb. But I will let him tell you all the details tomorrow." She winked. "Oh gosh, now I have to save up for all their baby showers." She groaned pressing her hand to her forehead. "Do you think they sell kunai plushie?"

-x-

"Lee wants to name his son Metal Lee." Tenten pressed her lips together. "Yes, Neji. Yes, I tried to change his mind, but you know how stubborn Lee can be. After that, Gai-sensei hyped him up and there was no coming back." She pinched the bridge of her nose.

-x-

"Turns out everyone likes the name Metal Lee, even Ino. Who would have thought, huh?" She shrugged, twirling a senbon between her fingers nonchalantly. "But then again, it is starting to grow on me too…" She finished with a smile.

-x-

"Morning, Neji... So I have been trying to get into the dating game and to be honest, it has been a disaster so far. Do you think I'm too demanding? Ino seems to think so, and even Sakura and Hinata seem to agree even if they don't say it out loud. But I can't help it if none of them feel…right. I blame you for that, giving me such high expectations of men since I was a pre-teen. Now, where do I find another emotionally guarded brooding prodigy that has opened up only to me since my childhood?"

She shook her head.

"To excuse yourself from ruining my dating prospects, can you please go haunt Hiashi a little bit? He keeps sending Hyuuga suitors my way, and I'm tired of having to threaten your clansmen. Besides, I just recently learned not every Hyuuga can do a proper kaiten against my rising dragons. Who would have thought, huh? Look at you giving me high expectations of Hyuuga feats too. I felt a bit bad for the man, though. Although, I imagine you would have probably scoffed at him for his uncoordinated footwork."

-x-

"So I have told the story of when we had to blindfold you because Sakura had a concussion and was convinced you were a pervert." She grinned. "You may have some explaining to do once you meet your uncle again."

-x-

"Weird development of the day: I started training with Temari. I don't know if she got wind," She smiled at her pun. "About the… err situation with her brother."

She fidgeted with her hands.

"But we ended stumbling on each other and she was actually interested in a training partner since Shikadai was now in the academy and had more time to herself."

"So essentially, she thinks I'm an excellent fit to ease her way in," Tenten rolled her eyes. "But whatever, at least this gives me a chance to upgrade my fighting style against her technique."

-x-

"So Temari is actually quite pleasant now that she doesn't have murderous intents towards me." Tenten beamed. "Did you know that her name also means heaven? We even bonded over weapons when I showed her the banana palms fan from the Tools of the Sage of the Sixth Paths. Who knew she'd make such a fine rival-turned-friend."

-x-

"So I changed my hairstyle again, what do you think? And look at those new earrings I found in my last mission in Kirigakure. They have hidden senbons in them!" She squealed excitedly.

-x-

"Guess what? I am finally opening my weapons shop tomorrow and I am so excited! I know I probably won't get many customers in this era of peace, except maybe Hiashi pity-buying something, but if I'm frank, I don't really do it expecting to make a profit. I needed a project to keep my minds off of things." She let her hand rest on his stone.

-x-

"Happy 30th birthday, Neji!" She smiled, feeling the familiar sensation of tears brushing her cheeks before deposing a bowl of herring soba on his stone and eating hers in silence.

-x-

"So I have a secret I have to confess." She smiled mischievously, wiping a tear. "You're still the person I miss most. And sometimes this overwhelms me."

She mulled her next words over, almost scared to reveal herself, before murmuring softly, in a melodious whisper: "So I stay up all night, thinking of you. Telling myself I'm alright. That you're just harder to see than most."

She lets this confession settle in between them.

"I put your training shirt on, wait until I can smell your scent. Every night, I'm sleeping with your ghost." She said, tracing circles on his stone.

After a moment, she smiled tenderly at his name, picking a stray cherry blossom on the E of his name.

"Will you forgive me? I know you probably hate how I'm still clinging on to you. How pathetic this must sound to you."

She teased him with a smile.

"Do I madden you? Well, that's too bad for you because sometimes I got to do what I got to do to get through." She closed her eyes, breathing in the cold wind of an ending winter, cherishing the comforting and ever-lasting sound of fluttering wings.

"I'm not sad anymore, I promise." She assures him. "I'm at peace. I'm happily missing you, feeling you in the little bright things of life. The first rays of sunlight in the morning, the peace of deep meditating breaths, the exhilaration of spring coming to life, the flight of migrating birds returning home, the calming sound of waves crashing on shores, the soul-crushing hugs of Gai sensei, the big eager eyes of Himawari, the sweet laughter of Metal Lee… Everything that fills my heart and embraces it; I feel you in it."

She sighs merrily. "I'm content."

She smiles at the sun rays caressing her cheeks, almost as if feeling his gentle touch.

"I'm happy." She whispers through her stretched lips. "I'm happy, and I still love you."

In a chuckle, she adds: "And there's nothing you can do about that."

Her crystalline laugh echoes in the cemetery before resting on her lips as a coy smile and on her eyes as a playful gleam.

-x-

"Ok, Neji, we need to talk about Metal Lee. So as you know, I've been training him with Lee for his Chuunin exams, which will happen tomorrow. But I can't cheer for him since I'm going to be an examiner and Lee is really putting some pressure on him. Be there for Metal Lee tomorrow, ok? I don't know, send him some positive genius energy from above or something?"

-x-

"Well, Metal Lee didn't make it as far as you did, but I'm still proud of him. I'm also happy that he seems a little bit more level-headed than Lee was at his age and didn't end up in the hospital." She sighed in relief. "Who knew I would come to care that much for that kid, eh?"

-x-

"I saw Himawari yesterday! Naruto came by with her, and I guilt-tripped a sale out of him." She chuckled. "He is such an easy target and she is such a cute little girl, a perfect combination of younger Hinata and Naruto."

"She is fierce too. I'm sure you would have had the time of your life training her. They are spoiled to the core by Hiashi, and I can only imagine you doing the same, barely able to resist their cuteness. I know you are probably already doing it, but watch out for them from where you are, ok? Mostly Boruto, he seems to be going through a lot recently."

-x-

"So Kakashi asked me to deliver weapons to Mirai during their retreat, but the real reason was to investigate suspiciously missing girls. Just because war is over doesn't mean evil is." She frowned. "Some people said there was a ghost in that bathhouse we went to."

"Is it bad I wish it was true? In part because of Gai-sensei's hilarious reaction, but also because that would mean there are still chances of you being here?"

-x-

"You'd be proud of me Neji!" She grinned excitedly, sunshine glistening in her amber eyes. "I'm slowly getting stronger and stronger. I've been training to expand my chakra enough to use the Tools of the Sage of the Six Paths, and now I can definitely hold my own with them better and longer… even though there is still a long way to go. Eh, not everybody can grow chakra as fast as Naruto, right?"

-x-

"Neji, what did you do? Did you go and haunt Shino because I was sleeping with him? Because lately, he seems a bit more.. prudent when around me? I assure you he is treating me well and anyway, it's not like this is serious relationship stuff… You already know that.." She rested her soft gaze on his name.

-x-

Tenten cleared her throat, willing herself to come back to the present moment and finally relieve herself of what has been on her mind.

"Neji." She started again, more resolved. "I think I'm going to die soon."

"I had this feeling lately, which is a weird impression to have when you're 33 years old, no? Did you have it too? Did you know that day that you would die? Or even before leaving the village? Is that why you were so peaceful when it happened? Why you seemed more evasive before we went to war? You were always so cryptic when you were alive. Not much has changed." She poked the tomb, laughing at her own joke.

"I'm not scared, you know." She assured him. "I'm at peace with everything." She smiled. "I'm ready for my destiny whatever it may be." Her eyes squinted at the ardent sunrays of the first summer days.

"But more seriously, wait for me, ok? Don't go running away again," She warned. "You know I always needed a little bit more time to catch up to you."

"So wait for me this time…" She whispered, standing up. "Please."

"See you soon.." She said, dusting off her training garb, turning away.

She cast one last glance to his grave.

"…Neji."

Disclaimer: I included lyrics from two songs in Tenten's monologue because I thought they were so fitting. "Before you go" from Lucas Capaldi and "Dancing with your ghost" from Sasha Sloan.

A/N: So this concludes this roller coaster of emotions this fanfic has been. I hope you have enjoyed the ride. I left it on a cliffhanger because I was thinking of doing an epilogue? What do you think, do you want more or are you satisfied with an open ending?

Also, I toyed with the idea of Tenten finishing with someone else and just couldn't bring myself to do it. Their dynamic was so unique I couldn't imagine Tenten in a serious long-term relationship, it was like imagining Hinata without Naruto or Sakura without Sasuke. I'm a purist, what can I say. In any case, I wanted to portray that even though she missed him, it didn't impede her from her living her life, being love and feeling happy!

Hope you enjoyed it, and as always reviews are always welcomed!