Chapter 6- Emerging From The Fog
He didn't wake up the rest of the day, stayed passed out for the entirety of the night. As people came and went, checking in and administering meds, Jay remained still; never stirring. To most this would be a sign of trouble, troublesome that even after blood cot injections were placed in his stomach he slept away. But for those recovering from their third brain surgery in two weeks, copious amounts of rest was welcomed and expected. Throughout the night Will and Hailey took turns watching over him. A couple hours each time, one would sleep while the other watched on. They wanted to make sure they kept their promise to Jay, being there when he woke up on the other side of surgery. Watching involved a lot of hand holding, whispering, or just looking on. At this point in the recovery he still wasn't dreaming, no subtle movements or twitches or eye movement under the eyelids. The light switch was in the off position, the brain completely shut off as it tried to heal itself. Watching a lifeless Jay never got easy, every passing minute a cruel reminder that Jay's brain wasn't well, functioning well below the standard, healthy, acceptable levels. But hope remained, Hailey sure that one of these awakenings he'd come back. She wasn't sure when or how, but something told her he'd come back, they'd have a normal conversation before his time in the ICU was up. Perhaps fate heard her thoughts, decided to grant her some kind of reward after hanging in there for so long. Because it was just past 6am when the tired, red, puffy eyes revealed themselves to the world. His resurface was gradual, small and long blinks as he tried to grasp his world once again.
"Hey there, good morning Jay." His eyes took him around the room before finding her. She was holding his hand, smiling at him when he finally found the source of the voice in the room. Another blink, a small yawn, Jay opened his eyes, smirking at her as his eyes begged for answers.
"Surgery is all done. You slept for quite awhile there. How are you feeling?"
"Hungry," Jay whispered. His voice was so shaky and quiet Hailey didn't pick it up at first. She gave him a puzzled look before leaning in a little.
"I'm sorry?"
"I'm hungry." Tears were being blinked back. Jay was talking, normally! It was a very groggy, medicated sound coming out of him, but to Hailey it brought her back to early mornings in bed. He'd roll over and ask her about coffee and breakfast, her response was always a kiss first before anything else. Take away the ICU and medical devices and all that came with his current state, things were back to normal.
"Okay, is there anything in particular that you'd like?" Jay looked in the direction of the door, squinting his eyes in thought before eventually shaking his head. Hailey wasn't sure if Jay had been cleared yet to consume real food. He'd been on a feeding tube for a couple weeks now so she wasn't sure if there was a process of weaning him off, but when he mentioned his hunger again she knew it was time to wake Will up.
"Hey Jay, how are you feeling? How's the pain," Will greeted with.
"I'm just really hungry," Jay lazily spoke back. He was still having a hard time concentrating, looking in the direction of Will and Hailey but not able to look right at them. His eyes were ever wandering, just absorbing and doing it's best to process. In time, they were told, his eye contact would get better: allegedly.
"Okay, I'll go see what I can find. I'll be right back with stuff. Hailey?" Will patted her shoulder as he got up and headed for the door. Hailey nodded that she understood: keeping him awake and talking till he got back.
"So other then hungry, how are you feeling?"
"Tired."
"Yeah, I'm sure." Hailey was baffled at how talkative Jay was, this being the first true conversation they'd had since before the accident. Apparently the missing skull pieces were the thing that was preventing him from speaking.
"What happened?"
"What do you mean?" Hailey sat up a little, having a good idea of what Jay was talking about, not sure if she was ready to tell him the whole thing.
"Why are we here?" Hailey cleared her throat, taking both his hands in hers before continuing.
"You were in an accident two weeks ago. You were hit in the head really hard and were really hurt. They brought you here where you had surgery on your head, a couple times actually, and you've been recovering here ever since."
"Was it bad?"
"Yeah, it was pretty scary for awhile."
"Did I die?"
"No, but you came close." The two of them were silent for a moment, both trying to not cry. Funny, even when they weren't their usual, together, in sync selves, they were connected emotionally. Jay was the first to crack, tears trickling down his face as Hailey finally let hers go. She forewent hand holding, going in for a hug. Being very wary of all that was still on him, Hailey gingerly wrapped herself around him. She felt the shake of tears, the weakness in his body. He was scared, lost, clueless on his entire life. She held him for a few more seconds, just letting him cry on her shoulder.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered a minute or so later.
"I don't remember any of it."
"I know, I'm so sorry." A soft, caring hand brushed her shoulder right then, Hailey pulling up from Jay to see Will holding a Jello cup and spoon in his hand. Will furrowed his brow as if to ask what happened. Hailey rolled her eyes to say that he needed to let it go, Will doing so by showing Jay the Jello cup.
"You ready?" He was slow to respond, but nodded as he pulled away from Hailey. Will sat on the side of the bed, holding out the cup for Jay to take. He moved at sloth pace, grasping the cup in his left hand before looking up at Will for help.
"Can you undo the lid?"
"What lid?"
"Here, I'll show you," Will spoke as he peeled the plastic cover back, revealing untouched, red, bouncy Jello. Jay stared at it oddly, unsure if this was something he could truly stomach. Will put the spoon in his right hand and told him to eat, he and Hailey watching Jay look from cup to spoon before connecting the two. He dipped it in about the amount of a sample before showing his watch party what he'd gathered.
"Eat it. You'll like it." Jay turned the spoon towards himself, opening his mouth a crack and inserting the spoon.
"Gag," he whispered before almost immediately spitting the Jello back out, shaking his head as he handed it back to Will.
"No, no not that." Hailey was now stifling a giggle, biting her lip as she looked away from Jay.
"What? What's wrong."
"That's gross."
"Okay, lucky for you I have pudding!" Again, Will put the pudding cup in his hand, undid the lid before handing Jay a new spoon and inviting him to dig in. Jay was extra cautious this time around, going even slower with his collection of the pudding before turning it towards him. It was like watching an art installation. This frail, ill, slow moving patient in the scariest of floors in a hospital eating pudding. Drowning in medical equipment and IVs, head wrapped from surgery, and many blankets on him, Jay slipped out the smallest of smiles as he swallowed the contents of his mouth. They found Jay's first food post-surgery: vanilla pudding.
"Good," Will inquired as Jay scraped the bottom of the pudding cup? Jay nodded. Handing off the garbage to Will before relaxing back on the pillow.
"Do you want another one?"
"No, maybe later." Hailey looked to Will before whispering something Jay couldn't hear. He watched them talk back and forth with growing dislike. Even in his clueless state, he was quickly hating the whispering. He couldn't make out what they were saying and he hated not knowing.
"Why are you guys acting this way," he bravely spoke to the two of them, both of them surprised and almost excited that he said that. Was this Jay finally poking through?
"What's wrong with me?" Hailey motioned for Will to take over, sitting up and clearing her throat as she looked at Jay with a kind smile. Will nodded, taking a moment to gather his thoughts and self before beginning. There wasn't a good way of telling people that all they knew was gone and there was no guarantee of it coming back. Will knew he just had to come out with it, hoping some part of Jay's fractured brain retained it all.
"When you got hurt, you were taken into surgery and it was a pretty big surgery. They were able to keep you alive, but you did suffer some damage to your brain. As of right now you have short and long term memory damage. On top of that your body isn't regulating body heat all that well and you're a high risk for seizures. We don't know if it's permanent yet, but that's why you're here in this room. You're getting better but you're not to a point where you can be on your own. You still need a lot of medications and help and monitoring. But Hailey and I will be with you the entire time."
"Can I get better?"
"Well, that's kind of up to your brain to decide. You've had all the surgeries that you could have and are on all the right meds, it's up to your brain to decide how it wants to heal. Right now it's just a wait and see." Jay was quiet for awhile after, returning to his silent ways. His hands were now folded in his lap, Jay continuing to not make eye contact as he ventured around the room. It was clear that he was trying to understand, trying to make sense for why he was the way he was. But the injury won out, it always would. He eventually shook his head before muttering something about his head hurting. Will rose to get meds as Hailey snuck in a little to comfort Jay.
"We love you, no matter what. We're so proud of you because you've come so far, Jay. We're right here every step of the way. You will get out of here and live your life again."
"I just want to sleep." Exhaustion was winning out, that or Jay was shutting down. Now seeing his reaction, Hailey wasn't sure if they should've told him everything. It was a lot to process and didn't offer much help or hope. Imagine waking up in a fog and being told said fog was permanent due to a terrible accident you have no memory of. She wished there was a way to take it all away, prayed for some out that she could take on his behalf.
"Okay, get some rest," she whispered before pulling the blankets up and kissing his cheek.
"Love you," she spoke into his ear, deflated when he didn't return the sentiment. Part of her thought with his speech would come his reflex of love. It was hard to watch him slip away into unconscious. He didn't budge when the pain meds were inserted into an IV.
"Should we have told him?" Will shrugged.
"He had to find out eventually." The rest of the morning was a quiet one, the only thing keeping them silent was the hope of Jay waking up in a much better mood.
…
"I'm hungry," greeted them late in the afternoon. Jay slept the remainder of the morning before muttering in his sleep, a huge victory for him. It was pure gibberish and only for a second, but for someone in Jay's situation it was a big step in recovery. It was the beginning of dreams, the brain trying to process all that it absorbed. The noise that came out of him was so quick, quiet, foreign that it took Will and Hailey by surprise. They looked to each other before beaming with pride.
"Did he just.."
"Yup," Will nodded through a whisper. He held up his hand for a high five and Hailey was quick to oblige. Jay, who appeared to be crawling at the pace of paint drying by the length of his fingernails, was starting to come back to them. But what was also touching and a high was the fact he was able to communicate what he needed. They weren't sure if this was his brain forgetting that he'd already eaten or he truly was hungry once more, but the fact remained that he was talking to them in a way that was normal, informative, proving that indeed something was firing in that mind of his.
"How was the rest?" Jay furrowed his brow, looking around before pulling the blankets up on himself a little.
"What do you mean?"
"You fell asleep. Remember when we talked a little this morning?"
"Yeah, but we just did that."
"What do you mean?"
"We just talked. You told me about the accident." They could take this in two parts. The first was that Jay remembered talking to them, the brain was retaining things! But on the other hand, it appeared Jay wasn't aware of what sleep was. His internal clock was so skewed that his hours of sleep felt like a long blink, or a few minutes. He didn't remember sleeping nor did he recall any kind of dream or time when things were shut down. It was a good sign of some things, but overall the brain damage was smacking them in the face. Hailey looked to Will for help, not sure how to communicate with Jay without upsetting him.
"You're right, we did. But then you fell asleep, passed out if you will."
"Oh, how long was I out?"
"Just a couple hours. But that's good since you need all the rest you can get." Will reached into his bag and pulled out the second pudding cup, waving it in Jay's direction.
"Want to try opening it this time?" Jay's eyes were fixed on the cup, obvious that he was doing his best to recall what Will was holding. When he didn't speak after a couple seconds Will put the cup in his hand and tapped the flap on one of the corners.
"Just pull it. You can do it." Jay stared at things for another couple seconds before grasping the flap and slowly pulling. The struggle to pull things off in one swipe was there, but he completed the task.
"What do I do with this," he asked as he held the lid up in the air.
"I'll take it," Hailey said as she stood to grab it and toss it in the trash.
"Okay, now just take the spoon and eat like you did earlier." Jay somewhat blindly did as was told, soon running the spoon just in between his lips and pulling the pudding off. He mulled things around in his mouth for a bit before swallowing, repeating the process faster the second time around.
"If you keep this down for a day or so you might be able to get off the feeding tube." That one stopped Jay in the tracks, eyes widening as he looked up at Will with a nervous look.
"What's that?"
"The thing in your nose." Jay reached towards his face, tapping his cheeks and chin and forehead before finding the tubing taped to the right side of his face.
"Yeah, that's it. But don't pull on it," Will spoke as Jay was doing just that.
"It feels weird."
"I know, but it's got to stay in there." Jay nodded, letting go and returning to the food in his lap.
"So, is there anything you'd like to talk about?" Jay shook his head, continuing to spoon feed himself.
"Well, we're both here whenever you're ready." Again, another nod as Jay ate.
"Can I see stuff," Jay asked when he was done. Will took the cup and spoon away as Hailey hesitated to answer.
"What…do you mean."
"The surgery. You said I had a surgery. I want to see."
"Um, well…are you sure about that? It's kind of a lot." Jay nodded, you could see the tears welling up in the corners.
"I think seeing might help me remember." Both of them didn't have it in them to tell him that it wasn't that simple, lay out the complex truth that his brain wasn't going to just remember things because he saw the damage. This type of damage was deep, almost invisible. They could see the effects of the accident, but locating damage tissue and connections was not possible. But instead of laying all of this out Will agreed to allowing Jay to see.
"I'll go get someone who can help. How's the pain?"
"What do you mean?"
"Does your head hurt?"
"It always does."
"Jay, you have to tell us when it hurts."
"I'm sorry." Jay hung his head, causing Will to immediately regret his words. He didn't mean it in a hurtful way, but Jay in his current state took it as that.
"You don't have to apologize. We just don't want you in pain."
"He's right," Hailey butted in.
"I'm going to get you some meds and then we'll take the stuff off." Jay nodded once more, now relaxing on the pillows. He was still trying to grasp the room, get a sense of the landscape and feel for his world. He was so lost, there was no other way of putting it. Like a little kid at the principal's office, Jay was a scared, confused, struggling soul. Hailey reached to grab his hand and he immediately yanked it away out of fear.
"I'm sorry." Jay didn't respond, now clasping both hands in his lap.
"Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, but just remember that it's all temporary. That how it looks now won't always be true."
"How bad is it?" Ah, there was the dry humor creeping back in.
"It's not bad, just different. And a lot." Will came back into the room with a nurse in tow. She started by inserting the pain meds into Jay's IV before inquiring why they had to remove dressings without Abrams permission. When Will explained why she agreed to the request. Her movements were slow, careful to unwind things before tossing them aside and inspecting the incision sites. In all honesty this was the first time all of them were seeing things. The original scars from the first night of surgeries were still red and puffed from the newness of things, the previous day's surgical sites taped up and masked from the world. It was upsetting, difficult to stomach. They were huge, jagged, stark reminders of what Jay had been through the last few weeks. The only good thing was that the large bruises from the first day were just about gone, the swelling the only thing still hanging around from that night. Will and Hailey were somewhat waiting for Jay to ask why things were cooled down, how he could feel fingers on his skin, or why things felt off. But the odds of Jay not remembering he used to have hair, or the nerves not being in tact, were high, making it almost impossible to Jay to know that part of him was so different.
"You ready," Will asked before handing off his phone? Jay nodded, allowing Will to put the phone in his hand as Will moved to the camera. Jay raised the phone up—that phone knowledge seeming to have never left him—and he stared for a really long time. There weren't any emotions nor were there words, Jay just stared and peered and did his best to grasp the face looking back at him.
"That's me," trickled out of his mouth a minute or so later. Hailey nodded, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"That's you, bud," Will answered. Jay handed the phone off to him as new dressings were put back on his head. Word of an impending scan was announced before the nurse left the room, Hailey and Will thanking her for her help before she disappeared. Turning to face Jay was a sad sight indeed. Jay had now scrunched himself down in the bed, pulling the blankets up to his collarbone as he appeared to be drifting in and out of nap time. He was so sad, that was the recurring theme of his moments of consciousness.
"You doing okay," Will asked? When Jay didnt answer the two of them approached the bed, taking a side and waiting for Jay to wake up. He jolted in the bed, yawning as he looked on at them, shaking his head before he spoke.
"My head is so fuzzy."
"Well, that's thanks in part to the meds. You're on a lot of stuff right now."
"And probably the injury too," Hailey cut in. Jay nodded, looking at the two of them before smirking.
"You're gunna be okay, Jay. It might take some time, but you're gunna make it."
"And we love you."
"Okay," whispered out of his mouth. It was here that an idea popped into Hailey's mind, her face lighting up as she reached for her phone.
"This is you, Jay." She put her phone in his hands, pressing play on a video she had saved on her phone. The one good thing about overnight stakeouts was trying to keep the other awake. Staring at a car or door or roofline all night long was supremely boring and tiring. For the first few hours you'd be great, hyped up on adrenaline and caffeine and lively conversation. But it was in the 3, 4am hours that things truly got tough and gritty. That was where true professionalism took over, the drive and desire to stay awake for the cause. So it was this particular night the two of them decided to take up dad jokes, just stupid jokes that in the daylight would have never gotten a laugh, but at this point and time of the video were the funniest thing ever.
Hailey pressed play on the video, going back from watching the video and watching Jay. The camera captured Jay in the driver's seat, talking and laughing between downing sips of coffee and Red Bull. Yes, they were that desperate. As the video started Jay was resting between the corner of the car sear and window, closing his eyes in laughter as he exhaled on the deepest inhale ever. You could hear Hailey giggling too, clearing her through so she could speak.
"What are you doing?"
"Oh come on, documenting your standup routine." Jay rolled his eyes, taking a sip before looking directly at the camera.
"You cannot show this to anyone. We're on the clock and we can't get caught recording each other."
"Oh just chill. It's for future stakeouts when we have nothing else to do."
"Yeah, yeah." Jay put the coffee cup back in the cup holder as he looked out the window. He was so relaxed, happy. Watching the video now was almost eerie. At that time he had no clue that soon his life was about to be turned upside down and changed forever. It was like watching evidence at a murder trial, except this time the victim was alive to watch his former self. It was odd, scary, Hailey was allowing the tears to drip down her face. They were so happy, now they were back to square zero.
"Oh, I've got one."
"Try me."
"Did you hear about the new Lego store?" Hailey was already laughing, her outcry of joy too much for Jay to not partake in. Jay laughed as she choked through her words.
"No!"
"The opening was so exciting that people were lined up for blocks." Now the two of them had lost it, laughing the moment away over the stupidity of the joke.
"When was this," Jay asked? Hailey took herself back to reality, clearing her throat and brushing her face as she took the phone back.
"That was…three weeks before the accident."
"Why were we together?"
"We work together."
"What do we do?"
"We're cops. Detectives. It's like a special cop."
"Oh, I thought we were married or something. That's why you're always here." Will rolled his eyes as Hailey did her best to not smile or laugh. The last thing she wanted to do was make Jay feel like an idiot.
"Nope, just great partners."
"Well, thanks for being here."
"I wouldn't be anywhere else. But Jay, you'll get back to that."
"But I don't remember any of that."
"I know, and that's okay. That's why were here. To help you get out of here and back to all of that. Alright?" Jay was about to speak but was interrupted by the announcement that Jay had to be taken back to radiology. The gurney was pushed into the room and Jay was transferred. The entire time he kept looking between Hailey and himself. Was he beginning to connect things? Figure out the true relational dynamics between them? The always positive side of Hailey said yes, but reality said it was likely Jay just trying to remember things. Promising to be back before long, Hailey and Will waved farewell with words to Jay pertaining to behaving.
"Marriage," Will teased when they were alone?
"HA! We never talked about it. We weren't to that point yet."
"But…would you ever consider it?"
"Will, we're not that level of close."
"Oh come on, work with me here." Hailey smirked, raising an eyebrow before grabbing her phone.
"Maybe, we'll see." Jay stayed down in radiology for two hours, Hailey glued to her phone memories the entire time. She missed her old life, their old life to be exact.
So I must warn now, the next chapter will see a bit of a time jump. The essence of this story isn't Jay living in the hospital, it's trying to fall in love with Hailey all over again. So now that we've established his injury and the damage, it's time see him on the path to leaving the hospital and trying to re-figure out life. That's where we'll pick up next. Thanks for reading!