He found Inara and Kaylee back in the cargo bay, searching each other's tonsils for the murderer and felt it would be rude to interrupt. So, he sat down on a conveniently placed crate and waited for them to finish.
Unfortunately, they were all interrupted by the appearance of Zoe pulling Simon along by his ear, chastising him for a dereliction of duty. Followed by Mal, backing away from River, who was repeatedly poking him in the chest, mentioning something about Simon's naivete and asking Jayne for a shotgun.
"Don't have a shotgun on me. You want a knife?"
Mal seized the opportunity to change the subject. "All these weapons probably means the one who killed her!" He declared dramatically.
"Killed who?" Wash asked.
Mal pointed and froze. The box that had previously held Yo— Saff— Bridge— a corpse, was now empty.
"We should probably figure out where the dead body went."
Everyone groaned. "I'm tired," someone whinged. It didn't matter who; they were all feeling it.
"Look who I found in the cockpit trying to commandeer the ship," Book announced from the catwalk, where he held a Bible (Book had a mysterious background that had led him to eschew violence in all forms, so he no longer carried a gun, but it was a very large hardcover Bible with poke-y corners) on a red-haired woman who was not a corpse.
"Again?" Mal said.
Zoe shook her head. It was hard to believe that anyone would want to steal this piece of lese.
"Am I going crazy," Simon asked, "or is she not dead?"
"Again!?" Mal said.
"It is strange how many dead people who aren't dead end up on your ship, sir," Zoe acknowledged.
"Of course, I wasn't dead," Saffron began. "If'n I was dead you never would have let me on your ship, and I couldn't've done this —" with a smooth shove, she thrust the Bible back at the shepherd, knocking him unconscious.
"Again?" Mal squeaked. How many times had Book been knocked out, anyway? Simon should study his brain to find a cure for his sister.
"Now, then, as I saying —"
"Wait!" Jayne held up a hand, and moved to yet another convenient crate, one that was a bit wider. "It always takes forever to get through the bad guy's rant, and I just want to get comfortable."
"I am not a bad guy!"
"Sorry, bad gal."
"No, you idiot. I'm a mother, who had her newborn stolen from her, by a big brute of a man, desperately trying to get my baby back — and a very easily fenced ship — but if a jury asks, mostly my baby." She buried her face in her hands, sobbing loudly.
"I didn't steal her! You left her."
Saffron looked up, blinking her eyes hard as she could, but even the dust of Serenity wasn't helping. "Well, that was before I knew she was going to inherit a ship." She pointed the Bible at Mal.
"I already told Zoe she could have everything if I die." Saffron pointed the Bible at Zoe.
"I'm married to Wash," Zoe said. The Bible turned again.
"River's the only one who can handle Serenity like I can. You know, she reminds me of myself, if I was a woman, and crazy, and smart, and a dancer, and —"
"River, let's move this along, shall we?" Book said, sitting up and rubbing his sore head.
River rolled her eyes. "Duh, Simon gets everything if I die."
Simon looked from Kaylee, to Inara, to Jayne. "Kaylee, I guess? Because of how in love with her I am."
"If you say so," Jayne snorted.
"Aw, that's so sweet," Kaylee said, "Okay, I guess I'll leave my stuff to Inara."
Inara groaned. "Really? I have to leave my worldly goods to Jayne? Why me? Wouldn't it make more sense for me to leave them to the Companion's Guild or something?"
"Inara!" Mal prompted. "Get on with it."
"Fine," Inara said, "If I die, Jayne was going to have my stuff."
"But not the silk, right? Or the underwear? Or the silk underwear?" Wash asked.
Jayne ignored him, and continued, "And, of course, everything of mine goes to Steve."
"Right," said Saffron, "So if you all die, I get the ship," — "and the baby," someone interrupted — "And the baby. But mostly the ship. And I've got you all exactly where I want you," she cackled, pointing an especially hard and poke-y Bible corner at them all.
Without anyone seeing her move, River somehow appeared right next to the woman. She spun, kicking the woman in the head, knocking her down, and tying her up with the silk. But not the underwear. Or the silk underwear. She was tied up with non-underwear silk.
"Curses," Saffron cursed. "I thought she was supposed to be a mentally traumatized, fragile waif. I mean, she's bare foot all the time and her clothes are way too big. What's that about?"
Mal sighed in sympathy. "It changes. Sometimes she's a scarily competent, psychic assassin. Depends on what we need really."
"Or what's hot." Kaylee said with an enraptured sigh. River grinned back.
Inara side-eyed her, and pulled out a hair brush. "Kaylee, dear, I think your hair is looking a little frizzy." She sat her down on a crate and began carefully stroking her hair with the brush and her hands. Kaylee relaxed into the stroking, though the crate wasn't perhaps at the best height, as Inara's hand kept accidentally stroking against parts of her that weren't on the top of her head.
Saffron shook her head. "My plan would have worked, if it wasn't for that meddling kid."
Zoe shrugged. "Eh, teenagers." Nevertheless, after years of working with Mal, Zoe was impressed by how well Saffron's plan had almost worked. "If only you weren't an immoral thief, bent on stealing and a life of crime, we would have so much in common." Zoe realized what she had said. "I mean a different kind of immoral thief. One who's not us. The story's not about emher."/Em
"What story?" Simon asked.
But Wash nodded emphatically. "That's right, lamby-toes. It's about us."
"You two?" River said skeptically.
"All of us," Wash said. "Our family."
Zoe smiled and placed a kiss on Wash's head. "Now I remember why I married you."
Inara, who had been standing very close to Jayne and Steve, wrinkled her nose. She looked up at Saffron. "I'll untie you if you change that baby's diaper," she said."
"No deal," Saffron declared.
"We could just space you," Mal said.
"Ugh, fine," Saffron said, "But don't be surprised when I try to kill you again."
Mal shrugged. "I'd rather fend off attempts on my life than have to deal with diapers. It's a fair trade."
"So no one's dead?" Simon asked. "And Jayne and the baby are both healthy?"
Everyone agreed. "Well, Mal, I think it's time we talked about my salary. I may be on the run, but you can't tell me that there aren't better job opportunities out there for a doctor who can raise people from the dead and deliver babies all in one day.
"You didn't do either of those things," Mal exclaimed.
"No, but that's what we're going to tell Steve when she inherits Serenity and wonders why she has so many crazy relatives to take care of."
And so they all lived happily ever after. Except for the ones who died. Which was everyone eventually. Because that's kind of how it works. So, really they all lived happily until they died. I mean, except for those times when they weren't happy. But this has gone on too long as it is, so let's just say —
The End