A/N: And we're done. Thanks for everything, folks. I took an excellent suggestion and now write on A03, too - you can find me under mst_52. And I'm going to take a R&I break for the time being to focus on some way overdue Giles/Jenny head canon that resurfaced during my recent Buffy binging. But don't worry...there's a Growth Chart sequel coming eventually. Much love, all.
"You know, I'm still in shock over this," Jane commented. She stole a look at Maura, but Maura had her head buried in her phone and barely glanced up. "When you said we'd work out stuff to do going forward, I thought...you know. Hikes. Day trips. Museums. That sort of thing."
"So, you underestimated me is what you're saying," Maura noted teasingly, her eyes still on her screen and not on Jane.
"Well," Jane hedged. "Not that maybe. But you definitely redefined the whole concept of 'go big or go home.'"
"But we're not going home." Maura finally looked up, a look of confusion evident on her face. "We're going to Italy."
Jane rolled her eyes skyward. "It's an expression. And yes, I'm well aware." She gestured toward their carry ons in front of them as they waited just outside their gate. Boarding was set to start any minute.
Maura looked unsure of herself. "You aren't having second thoughts, are you? Not that I suppose it would really matter at this point. We can't do very much about it, I mean."
"I'm not having second thoughts," Jane reassured her. She thought privately that she would at least keep them to herself if that was a case; Maura had a point about not really being able to back out of a flight once you were sitting at the gate with your bags checked. "Really, I'm not. It feels surreal to even be here but that's not because I'm doubting."
It was the understatement of the year. Here they were, nearly a year to the day after their fateful conversation, and they were flying off to Europe. A year ago, Jane wouldn't have been able to fathom it. She was too confused, too overwhelmed and too...fragile to even be able to wrap her head around the idea of taking such a pricey, detail-oriented trip like this one. But now, a year later, Jane was surprised to find that she had mellowed. The trauma and fragility of the past year had faded - had been coped with, Jane corrected herself, and coped with appropriately - leaving Jane better adjusted than she'd been in probably years. And that had, of course, opened the door to admitting things that she previously refused to touch.
Maura was obviously the biggest part of that. Jane realized somewhere along the way that their outings, casual and fun though they were, had helped me regain some sense of herself. As silly as it had sounded with Maura proposed it, doing things that she'd always wondered about or wished for as a child with a pure sort of innocence had somehow brought her back to herself. Who she was when she was younger, when the world lay at her feet and her job hadn't yet beaten her down. Before her parents divorced and her family took on this new, unpredictable dynamic. Before Hoyt nearly murdered her, the first time, that is. And before she met Maura - beautiful, kind, loyal Maura, who had nearly taken her breath away from that first moment all of those years ago. It wasn't about redoing her life and forgetting who she had become, but it was about remembering who she once was - what she had hoped for and what she believed in - and somehow blending the two. Young Jane, unblemished Jane believed in love wholly and without cynicism; older, scarred Jane was timid and fragile, haunted by her traumas, to be able to see the woman beside her as anything other than her best friend.
Somehow, these little trips and the revelations that had come along with them helped Jane to see it all clearly. She could be hard and soft, happy and brooding, relaxed and dedicated, loving and practical, playful and serious all at once. And that realization finally meant that Jane could cast off the burden she'd carried for so long and start to let the light in. And letting the light in meant finally, finally facing the reality of Maura's place in her life and pushing through the uncertainty and fear and the rewriting of what Jane thought things once were so that they could finally live as how things should be.
"What are you thinking about?" Maura's soft question interrupted Jane's musings.
"Everything," Jane answered honestly, stopping with her fiddling with her zipper to reach for Maura's hand. "But mostly about how a year ago, something like this would have seemed completely…"
"Inappropriate? Crazy? Impulsive?" Maura smiled at Jane's affronted look. "Is that look because I'm wrong and you're insulted or because you don't want to right and you're insulted?"
"You're right," Jane admitted. "Because of course you always are." She smiled at Maura easily to soften her words. "I really don't mind you being right, you know? Because you were. You are. And it worked out pretty good, didn't it?"
"It worked out pretty well, you mean" Maura laughed outright at Jane's dramatic groan and again when the teenager a few seats away shot Jane a judgmental once-over. "But to your point, yes, yes it did."
"I have just one question," Jane countered, her blood starting to spice up in that comfortable sort of way that happened when she and Maura verbally sparred. It had taken their newly-minted romantic relationship for Jane to realize how much of a turnon their arguing had always been...and how long she had kept herself firmly in denial.
Maura raised an eyebrow. "Just one?"
"Haha. No, seriously. I don't think I ever fully asked you this, which now seems sort of insane because we've been talking about this for like two months, but last year I mentioned Italy and you left it completely alone. And here we are a year later about to do the damn thing, at your suggestion, and I just...what changed? I just assumed, I guess, that this sort of thing wasn't in line with what you meant for us to do or you weren't into Italy or had already been a million times. So what's different?"
Maura's face turned serious and she squeezed Jane's hand tighter in response. "Everything," she said simply, but quickly elaborated. "I'm not being cute. But everything really did change. You got better. You got...looser and happier and lighter but...more you, all at the same time. And we got...better and stronger and different, but in the best way."
"I don't disagree," Jane said carefully. The announcement about their flight boarding blared around them, causing people to begin to gather their things and start to stand and clump near the desk. "But what does that have to do with this?"
"Because you weren't ready," Maura explained earnestly, now reaching for both of Jane's hands to hold in hers. "Italy was - is - a great idea. It wasn't that I wouldn't have gone with you a year ago. But like you said back then, you couldn't have handled it. The planning, the effort, the expense. The culture shock. Probably the whole having to share a bed thing. It would have been too much too soon and it all would have backfired and you would have felt even more confused. So I figured we'd...table that for awhile. It was a good idea but not the right time. I just had to wait and hope that with space and tools you'd get to where you needed to be. And then we both could think about maybe going there."
Jane wasn't even sure where to start. "That's...wow. You really missed your calling there, Maur. You could have totally been a therapist."
Maura considered her comment seriously. "I did take a lot of psychology classes in undergrad. I considered specializing in psychiatry in medical school, actually."
"I'm really not surprised." Jane smiled sweetly at Maura again. She stood and stretched before reaching for their carry ons. "You ready to roll, sweetheart?"
"Oh, so you're done with the psychoanalysis now? Ready to close that particular chapter in our relationship?"
"It's not so bad," Jane countered. "The psychoanalysis, I mean. But I think I'm ready for some Italia instead."